Chapter 2 - Why I'm Insane

Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Our flight got canceled yesterday so we’re spending two more nights with Joffrey’s family. Last night Joffrey finally offered to go see Dear Evan Hansen with me. We got back around midnight. I hadn’t eaten since 2 PM. I planned to get dinner at Taco Bell after the movie but it closed due to unforeseen circumstances. The luck! There was another Taco Bell open only ten minutes away but Joffrey didn’t want to take me – he told me to accept my fate.

So we went to bed. It’s hot in the room and I’m getting frustrated because I’m hungry, sweaty, and I can’t get the blinds to stay open to push the window up. Then a spider falls down on me and I jump back panicked!

At this point, Joffrey chimes in and says something to make me angry that I can’t remember now, but I’m guessing it was the usual, “You’re fine,” or, “You’re so dramatic.” I hate it when I’m upset and he says this, as he knows. So I hit him with a pillow. He says something else, so I hit him with the pillow a few more times. He turns around, and I think a pillow fight might be kind of sexy. But I’m mad that he’s not taking me seriously so I go to the bathroom.

When I’m back, I’m calmer and I apologize for hitting him with a pillow. He doesn’t brush it off, make a joke, apologize himself, or forgive me. Instead, he tells me I’m insane and aggressive. I tell him he gets angry when he’s hungry and he remarked that he still doesn’t hit me with pillows. I ask him if he really thinks that I’m insane and he says yes. He turns off the light and goes to bed.

I start crying because now I feel abusive. He tells me to stop and to come to bed – he doesn’t seem upset. He says there are worse things to be hit by which makes me feel even more abusive, but I never wanted to hurt him. Did I hurt him? I cried myself to sleep wondering if I have anger issues like my brother in childhood, but to my partner. But I feel like I’m a level headed person. Why would my partner call me these names? I feel like hitting him with a pillow isn’t that crazy of a situation. And now he just wants to act like it never happened, but it did – my partner left me feeling crazy. And I’m upset about it.

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