Chapter 21 - Epilogue

Saturday, November 13th, 2021

Katy and I went to see Reggie Watts last night at Dynasty Typewriter. She got to meet him in the hall when she went to the bathroom.

Sara June opened and she did a bit where she pretended to be the moon. As the moon, she was tired of everyone blaming her for their problems. She had us read cards with all of the nice things you could say about the moon instead, “Let us dance in worship of her!”

“See, it’s not that hard!” She exclaimed.

I am the moon.

After the show, we went to Idle Hour where we felt like mice in a barrel. It was a cool spot – I love going out and seeing so many young people! A guy told me my blazer brought him joy.

I watched Katy down a burger. I know I need to eat, my stomach is growling, but I’m not hungry – I have no appetite.

We came back to the house and even though Katy had an early flight to catch, we stayed up later than we had in a long time; we didn’t want the night to end. I listened to Katy play along to music videos on the TV with the ukulele she got me for my birthday.

Joffrey turned all of the photos of us in our room back around. I think I’ll take them all out. He left an empty suitcase, so I’m guessing he’ll be back – I’ll try to be out of the house. I was ready for him to have left. Our last conversation gave me the closure I needed. I know that seeing him again would only bring more pain.

I’m glad he didn’t understand in the end. When he said that we share the blame 50/50, I felt good about my choice to leave him. When he said he hopes I learn to forgive, it was clear to me – we’ve always said there was this imaginary list… Some people are on the list and some people are not. You know who’s on your list. Joffrey is no longer on my list.

In all of this, I’ve learned from re-reading my own thoughts and feelings that I have a beautiful mind and soul. At some point, Joffrey stopped seeing that. He doesn’t see that all I’ve done is love him so much that I’ve forgiven him over and over and over again.

I deserve someone who shares my heart and mind.

There’s literally (and physically) a mountain between us now. The space feels good. I am at peace. I’m going to buy myself flowers today.

I know that the excitement for my new life and the grief for my old one will come in waves.

These last few weeks have taught me that you’re never alone. There are always people who are ready to carry you through – all you have to do is ask.

I’m 138 pounds now. I’ve lost 8 pounds over the course of this breakup.

Katy said it took her a year to get her ex’s negative voice out of her head, but she knew those thoughts weren’t hers. I wonder at what point their thoughts became ours. How did we lose our light?

I blocked Joffrey across my social media and unfollowed his family to make this all easier. I changed my relationship status to single and un-shared my location.

I asked him to let me know when he’s coming over so that I can be out of the house. I swear, this is like a movie that just doesn’t end. We hit all of the plot points, but it just keeps going. Right when you think it’s over… BAM! A new conflict. We’ve got at least another thirty minutes left.

We can’t message on Facebook now, so he texted back:

Joffrey: I didn’t like how our last conversation went last night. Could we please talk a little more today?

I just wanted a good day – a celebration of me! Amy, Elena, and April are coming over for my goth-themed break-up slumber party tonight. I have things to do. They’re so great. April congratulated me on my living situation becoming less tense and is bringing wine. Elena is excited to celebrate me!

Me: I really don’t want to. I feel like I got closure. I’d just cry more. I’m afraid you’ll make it harder again.

Joffrey: Please. I might not see you for a long time. I just can’t sit with all of this.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I have to be so goddamn empathetic to where I put his feelings above my own? And for what? To only be criticized in return? What could he possibly say now that would make it better for me? This is all for him. It’s still all for him.

But I’m curious. Would it be better to be left wondering? Phone a friend.

I worked it out with my dad. He always gives the best advice. I need space, and if he loves me and cares about me, he’ll understand that. Maybe he’d have said all the right things, but that wouldn’t help me heal. And I can’t risk him making me question my decision even more.

Dad said not to suggest this because it could come off as cold, but it made me feel better to hear that if he really wants to get closure himself, get whatever he’s thinking off his chest, he can write it down. And if he really needs me to hear how he’s feeling, he can send it in a letter. He knows I’ve always wanted a letter – or more practica