Chapter 4 - I Hold Grudges

Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Joffrey went to see Dune by himself and I went with Voldemort and the neighbors. It was great! I’m so excited to get to know Ramy and Rori better.

When I came home, Joffrey was already in bed, so I watched a documentary about gender inequality in Hollywood. When I came up to bed he was getting off TikTok. We didn’t talk or cuddle.

He did work out with me earlier which meant a lot, but it was obvious he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make him go, so I waited downstairs until the last minute hoping he’d come.

“Am I still invited to that?” he questioned in a negative tone.

“Of course!”

It was fun and he did a good job! I just wish things weren’t – that all of the above hadn’t just happened. I think we’d have enjoyed it more. After, he showered and quickly left to catch his movie without saying goodbye.

Yesterday, he wanted to act like nothing had happened. I was still hurt, but I didn’t want to force him into apologizing or asking me about my feelings – I need to remember that he is capable. And even if he doesn’t ever bring it up again, that’s fine.

I’m learning that I don’t need him to understand or say that what he said was wrong. I know it was for me and that’s enough. If he doesn’t want to fix it, I can’t make him, and I don’t want to anymore. I told him I was hurt, and that’s enough.

I’m glad I’m journaling. It helps me feel better and I am able to self-validate and not question myself and sanity later.

I had a good time with Joffrey last night because I love him, even though I’m hurt. But when we went to bed he wanted to cuddle. It’s cliché, but my head was very happy because he’s rarely the big spoon. He usually doesn’t even let me cuddle him. I said I was hot and needed space, but he persisted and flirted, which made my head happy, but my heart still hurt. I accidentally said, “I don’t want you touching me,” and he still persisted which made my head mad. I insisted on space, and now I’m afraid he’s mad at me. But I’m writing here so I can reinforce that I am a good, caring person – my own person.

I know things will get better. Dinesh’s invited me to Jordan a few times now! That would be so cool! I told Joffrey and I think he called me crazy… I changed the vibe and told him he should come. Hmmm… Dinesh also wants to go to Catalina and Horror Nights with us. Deeper friendships are blossoming! And I have four auditions!! Two musicals, two films. I’m going to kill it! And have fun just auditioning!

I had drinks with Catherine tonight. I’m excited to have a new friend. It was nice going into work and working with her. And seeing my boss, Tara, was nice!

Catherine and I talked about our partners. She said her boyfriend lets this other girl cuddle up to him even though she’s expressed her discomfort. He’s also BFFs with a guy who hit a woman. But when I told her about Joffrey, she said he’s been gaslighting me and that he reminded her of her college boyfriend and that I have it worse. I don’t think so… But it was helpful to get another woman’s perspective.

I came home, grabbed a glass of wine and Penny and went to the roof. Joffrey was on Xbox. I came back eventually and went upstairs. We had a brief convo through the bathroom door and now he’s back on Xbox.

I went downstairs and he asked if I was going to break up with him. He noticed I’d been distant. I told him I felt hurt. He was frustrated. He told me I’d put him in a tough situation. I repeated how I felt. He said I was holding a grudge. That I’d hit him with a pillow out of hanger, and he wasn’t holding a grudge.

I told him he was/had gaslit me – he rolled his eyes. I was calm and compassionate. He called me aggressive. He didn’t get why it was such a big deal – I tried to explain that it wasn’t the scenario, but the way he’d treated me. He circled back and complained that he shouldn’t have to apologize, that I was the one making it hard for him. I told him twice I wasn’t looking for an apology. I could see him so clearly putting words in my mouth. He kept blaming me. I cried, he laughed. I told him we could continue talking later. He refused. He asked why. I wanted him to listen – I felt like he wasn’t hearing me. I wanted to speak to him when he was compassionate and not annoyed. He tried to say this was all stupid – not to me. I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said no because he loves me, but after all of the above, RED FLAG.

I love him so much. I told him that. He rolled his eyes. I don’t want to lose my Joffrey, but I don’t want to see myself through his lens. I know I’m more beautiful and special than that. I told him I needed space, and though he fought it, we should take time to relax and think about what the other had said and then continue. He said he had nothing to go off of.

He’s watching TV now and I’m writing this.

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