Chapter 5 - He Never Paid Me for My Car...

Thursday, October 28th, 2021

I’m so upset. We went to bed and he tried to rest a hand on me. I feel uncomfortable to his touch. I don’t want to feel this way, but I keep thinking about how he denied saying everything I’d said was idiotic. I stayed strong and repeated what I knew. He assured me I was misremembering. I told him I’d written it down. Eventually, he downplayed it.

I feel like Joffrey can’t be gaslighting me – not this whole time. That’s not him, the man I love. But it seems so clear to me that he is and writing it down has just given me my first proof.

I will be okay on my own. Happy without someone who…

He laid his head in my lap and I was repulsed. He stood behind me while I sat on the couch. I didn’t want him to kiss me goodbye. He kissed my cheek. I usually just move on and forget. Not this time…?

I want him to not call me crazy and make me doubt my feelings. Even on my birthday he made me feel like I was wrong for being upset that no one talked to me at my birthday dinner. But he doesn’t ever think he’s wrong. That I should apologize. I usually do.

I keep remembering how he wouldn’t confide in me about his fight with his childhood friend Sawyer, and how our friend Justin reached out to me concerned. I think back to when we lived with Elliot and how Joffrey destroyed my perception of myself and how he still hangs with Elliot and makes me feel bad about not liking it.

The more I write, the more heartbroken I am by what I’m learning. But I’m numb to the cycle. I even doubt myself here, but I feel like I have to see and love myself enough to do what's best for me, even though it’ll hurt.

I just… thought we were it. Am I making a mistake? It’s easier to think that I’m “crazy” or “dramatic.”

He never paid me for my car…

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