Chapter 6 - A Big Deal

Friday, October 29th, 2021

He wants me back. He’s tired of feeling sad. This week has been hard for him. But he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

I shared that I’d called my work’s Employee Assistance Program and we could both get three therapy sessions for free with someone we’re comfortable with. I explained I wanted to do couples therapy because I love him. He responded, it feels like you’re just trying to push me out and break up with me – there must be something else. I assured him I’d been honest with him and I’d said everything I’d needed to say. I wouldn’t make him go, but I wanted to for us.

He thought it seemed excessive. That it’s not actually a big deal – we’ve fought about worse. He was annoyed and said we didn’t need to go, that we could just talk.

I told him I needed a therapist and that even now, he’s downplaying my feelings.

“You’re just mad because I said your idea is stupid – is that it?”

I stayed strong. And it breaks my heart. But this is clearly gaslighting. And even though he wants to make up, he had no compassion for my feelings – they were just wrong.

I found Joffrey crying in the bathroom. In the last five years I’ve never seen him cry. He thought he might be having a panic attack, like I’d had so many times in the past five years; he wasn’t. I rubbed his back and got him water. I told him I needed him to look at me and really listen. Eventually he was able to look up at me. He didn’t understand what was wrong. He said this was what his last break up felt like.

I, again, explained how I felt and what I thought we should do. This time he said he’d do better. That it was hard for him to understand the emotions and he wasn’t trying to be mean, but now he has something to work with. “Now...”

I told him I need to see action and that I love him, but need space.

When I started explaining how I felt, he only rolled his eyes once at the beginning. I think he took it in.

I went to Horror Nights with Jonah instead of Joffrey. It was tough because I was really excited to go with Joffrey. I had a really good time and we got incredibly lucky with the lines. Jonah was supportive of me and a good friend. Though, I was out $50 because Jonah couldn’t pay full price and Joffrey didn’t want to pay me for the ticket.

When I came home, Joffrey and I had a chat about our evenings. I have an audition tomorrow at 9 AM, so he asked me to wake him and he’d move downstairs. I suggested that he sleep downstairs. At first, he rejected the idea as it would be uncomfortable, but I told him I was uncomfortable upstairs. With sad eyes he pleaded, “Please don’t make me sleep downstairs,” which tore my heart. I told him I wouldn’t make him do anything, but I’m asking for space. He agreed.

I went upstairs and he’d rearranged, though I’d asked him not to, and hung up vines (which I loved) and seeing them made me cry. They looked so good, and I don’t want him to take them down…

It’s so hard to not dismiss my feelings when he does sweet things. I have to remember that he’s hurt me by making me feel bad about my feelings, a lot, and I want to be with someone who doesn’t shut me down.

It’s hard sleeping alone tonight. It’s hard knowing he’s hurting too and feeling like it’s my fault. But I don’t want to comfort him because I feel bad.

I’m surprised he agreed to take the couch this time. He’s never done that when I’ve asked for space before.

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