Chapter 8 - When You... I Feel

Sunday, October 31st, 2021

I went out with Rita yesterday. She doesn’t give the best advice, but she took care of me and I appreciated it. I cried almost all day and was confident about breaking up.

Elena was also really nice. She was understanding and told me his behavior wasn’t okay and that my feelings are valid.

Hanging with all my college friends, I felt like it would be cool to be single. Bar hopping with them was fun and going to the Avalon with Bonnie and her friends as VIPs with a table felt out of this world! We skipped the line – Cat Woman walked us in and we got a bunch of free drinks. Dancing with them, I felt free.

I had a 20 minute problem-solving phone consultation with a therapist today. She encouraged me talk with Joffrey and to tell him how I’m feeling:

When you…

* Told me I was insane and I asked if you really thought that and you said yes, I felt abusive. It made me question whether I was a level headed person and when you... acted like it never happened, I was left feeling crazy and upset.

* When you... said that I was idiotic for wanting to go see Dune as a group or as a date…

* That I’m trying to make things harder for you…

* That I’m selfish…

* That it’s always about me…

* That it shouldn’t matter…

* When you... apologized for getting mad, but went on to talk about how I’m ruining things for you…

* When I said you called me idiotic and you didn’t say anything and continued to insist I was trying to ruin things…

* That I was making you be bad…

* When you... attacked my understanding of social harmony…

* And said I always do what I want and that you didn’t feel bad and changed your ticket…

* I felt... like you had a lot of contempt towards me.

* When you... were mad you saw Dear Evan Hansen with me when I thought I hadn’t made you and you were just doing something nice for me, I felt... confused.

* When we... went to the Haunted Hayride and you said you should start saying no to me and you hated the date I planned, I felt... sad and that I needed to practice being happy just for me.

* When you... didn’t want to talk through the first part of it, I felt... like it’s often up to me to have fun and I felt... alone and scared about dating you.

* I wish... you’d have fun with me and not shut down my inner child and social butterfly.

* To me that means... you’re embarrassed of me and don’t enjoy going out with me and I feel... you’re often annoyed by what excites me and I want to be excited.

* When you... say I’m crazy and just being dramatic, I question myself…

* When you... asked if we were breaking up and I told you I felt... hurt and you were annoyed that I put you in a tough situation, I felt... confused because I felt... like I hadn’t and sad that you blamed me.

* When I told you about how I felt and you said I was holding a grudge, and said that you weren’t from when I hit you with a pillow, I felt... like you weren’t hearing that I was hurt and telling me I felt something else.

* When you... rolled your eyes when I said you’d gaslit me, I felt... like you didn’t care…

* When you... called me aggressive when I was calm, I felt... like you were changing my perception of myself and that’s really confusing. I wish… you would see me.

* When you... complained that you shouldn’t have to apologize – that I was making it hard, I hadn’t asked for an apology and I felt... like you wanted to blame me when I was hurt. I felt... like you didn’t see me and that you were putting words in my mouth.

* When you... laughed when I cried, I felt... like you didn’t care about my feelings at all. And then you said that this was all stupid.

* I felt... like you thought I wasn’t entitled to my feelings and saw a red flag.

* To me that means... that I don’t want to see myself through your eyes.

* When you... said you had nothing to go off of when I wanted a break to cool down I felt… unheard.

* When you... denied saying I was idiotic twice, I felt… gaslit, and scared that without this journal and proof, I’d have believed you and felt bad like usual, and apologized. To me... that’s emotional abuse.

* When you... said I was misremembering I felt... angry because I’ve doubted myself so much in the past. When you… eventually downplayed it, I felt... like questioning if the gaslighting was intentional and it broke my heart to think so.

* When we... lived with Elliot and you called me mean all the time and made me feel bad when I was upset, I felt... like you changed my perception of myself and I wish... you wouldn’t make me question the way I feel. I’m sad you still make me feel bad when it upsets me when you hang out with him. It makes me feel... like you’re not sorry for the way you treated me or the way he treated me when we lived with him. I wish you’d defend me.

* I felt...