Chapter 9 - Heartbreak Is Giving Me the S***s

Monday, November 1st, 2021

I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday, I couldn’t eat. I’m very hungry but can’t do food. I’m up two hours early, and can’t fall back asleep. I feel sick. Heartbreak is giving me the s***s.

Joffrey was complaining I didn’t have to physically sacrifice anything (about the couch) and here I am.

Joffrey has tried over the years, he really has, and he’s gotten better at communicating, but this is where we’re at. He says we don’t need therapy, that he can fix it if I would just stop leaving all week. I said it’s oka y to take time apart to reflect and continue the conversation, one talk at a time. In every talk, except the bathroom one, he’s been mean and he’s made it worse.

This has been a good year. A really good year. I don’t want him to delete all of his One Seconds, and it hurts when I think about those.

I’m trying to hang on because of all of the good times, but he’s making it harder by being ugly to me now and not having compassion for me.

He said he wasn’t even upset at me about Dune. He took it out on me though. I’m scared to think if he was upset at me, that he’d be worse, like right now.

He continues to make me feel like I’m blowing it out of proportion. It would be easier if I felt like I was. To just move on and not go through this.

He said he wanted to do better, but he’s giving me such a hard time along the way when I tell him how.

I’m grateful that Rita took care of me when I couldn’t stop sobbing and needed a friend. I wish though that she hadn't of texted Joffrey. Carrie and Bonnie also thought that was inappropriate. I could see her heart was in a good place. I told her I was certain about the break up before telling her everything, and to please not talk me out of it or say anything to Joffrey – she did both.

Amy said all the guys she’s broken up with have been mean and that’s how they cope with their feelings – by getting defensive. Do guys just suck? Will it be like this if I try to date again eventually? Is this normal? Should I just accept being treated this way? What if Joffrey’s the best I got? Olivia said there are plenty of mature guys… I just want to feel understood and supported by my partner, but I don’t know how I can communicate any better – he said he was disappointed with my communication in all of this.

Amy said they’d eventually be considerate of my feelings, but not at first. I truly hope so.

When I left for work this morning, he moved up to the room without acknowledging me when I looked over to him. I get that he’s upset. I’m sad that he’s mad.

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