May 13, 2025 • 38 mins
Ding Dong! No, it’s not the death of the Wicked Witch. It’s the arrival of the elevator at a non-schedule floor.
But, oh poop! Someone’s trying to get on!
Act Quick! Do you:
A) Hammer Door Close
B) Heroically throw your arm in between the Jaws of Death
C) Pretend to do a NYT mini crossword
D) Offer your fellow rider a Laffy Taffy
This week’s leather dossier was brought to our desk by the undisputed first chair cellist, Jasmine Elist (@jasmineelist), who graciously stepped away from the Vienna Philharmonic to lay some ground rules about elevator etiquette.
It’s a hot button topic, and the elevator buttons are hot too! This is a civil case you DON’T want to miss.
Hosted by Graham Cameron and Neil Zumwalde
Guest: Jasmine Elist (@jasmineelist)
Insta: @premeditatedpod
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What would your walking instrument be?
Jasmine. Mine.
Yeah, What's your spiritual instrument?
What are you? I'm thinking yeah, maybe.
I feel like it's, if I may, yeah, please.
I feel like it's a string that you that you bow specifically.
Thinking bow. Yeah, I was.
I don't. Know which one?
Cello. Yes, I think cello it might be a
(00:21):
thinking. Cello.
Most noble of the strings. Yeah, Viola like one of not not
a stand up bass, yeah, a tiny violin, but one of the medium
sized bowed I. Don't know, I think, yeah, but I
think I think you're more front row too because the violas are
like in the middle back. Are they?
And the sides is like a violin and cello.
(00:41):
Sure. And the bass is up at the back.
They are really the stars, yeah.Right, right.
Thank you. I'm gonna hold on to that.
That'll get me. First Cello.
Wow, that's amazing. What do you all identify as?
I think I'm probably took you so.
Long to ask. Like synthesizer, you know,
(01:02):
like, like an 80s synthesizer. Yeah, kind of techy.
I could see 80s. Yeah.
Pretty gay, yeah. Yeah, I like that.
What do you this is good? I mean, my first thought was
like the, you know, like the electric keyboard that has like
the demo song button, yeah. That's what you think you are.
(01:23):
Yeah, that like plays the same. I thought maybe that that or
like the Dick Van Dyke Mary Poppins machine, you know, like
the boom boom. Boom.
Either way, you're like fun out-of-the-box.
That's. Percussion.
OK, the. Person who can do it all sort of
like all of a sudden they come out with like teeny tiny
symbols. Marimba.
Marimba Maroon. It's percussion and it's
(01:44):
melodic. Yeah.
Yeah. You don't like it?
It's so my I do like I love marimba.
Thank you marimba you don't likemarimba marimba, but you do have
to like read. It is like, you know, you got to
read music and it's I feel like I got to wear more tie dye for
marimba flip flops. You're.
Sort of a Stoner. I do.
Yeah, I do. I was wearing tie dye.
(02:04):
Earlier today. Fuck, you have to do it more.
Yeah, I think percussion. Yeah, yeah.
Your, your, your shirt even, says Morota.
Yeah. That's.
Almost Marima. Wow.
Wow. Mariota.
Not Mariota. Wow.
It's all coming together. It's.
Coming together, it says the cello in the room.
Yeah, the first chair cello. This is premeditated.
(02:30):
The podcast investigating society's unwritten laws and the
heinous ways they're broken. True crime.
Low stakes. I'm Neil, I'm Graham, and this
is premeditated America. It's premeditated.
(02:50):
We're back after some time and we're just catching up here with
Jasmine Ellis, professional cellist.
Professional cellist in that I don't cello but in that I am
body a cello perfect which is all you.
Could body a cello too? Just like really?
I could really see you playing it very well.
(03:11):
Like you know, how do you feel like?
Oh, you just like body that beat.
Like yeah, I do love the way people of the stringed
instruments they do. Cut.
Yeah, because it's between your leg.
Yeah, you got a. Yeah, and the violin is too.
They're, you know, they're usingupper.
Yeah, and most of these DJs are just using, they're just tapping
on a little. Key Yeah, so I have heard a
(03:32):
rumor about your e-mail. Oh, actually I've heard same
rumor. Gosh, it's spreading already.
And. We we learned about it through
an e-mail, actually. Wow.
Wow. It's out of control.
Yeah, it's true. The rumor is true.
I have a general tendency of being very cushiony with my
(03:57):
emails. I do a lot of please and just.
And if you would, maybe could you.
I'm so sorry in advance. You are.
I exist and it's bad of me. I'm going to make myself really,
really small and then maybe we can have a zoom.
(04:17):
And you know what? This week I decided.
No more. No more.
No more just. No more making myself.
Small, just it. So you're going to give up two
whole stars in order to experiment with your e-mail
tone? Yeah.
It's funny, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, did
I have less etiquette or did I just take up more space?
Wow, isn't that always the question?
(04:38):
It is. That is a tough line.
So I need an example of how you of what?
What's new in the e-mail? OK, well, I've removed a lot of
the a lot of the words that I tend to use.
I've removed a lot of the exclamation marks that I tend.
To use extra concise. Yes, and instead of having an
energy of you're doing me a favor and please, won't you
(05:04):
please, please, please. I'm trying to bring in more of
an energy of like, let's hey, this is hey.
I have a need here's. What I want, I don't know that
that I mean, I didn't read the e-mail.
(05:25):
It wasn't to me. So let's just get that out of
the way. This e-mail was not to me.
Let's. Very clear about that.
No proofreading was done by the premeditated staff.
Let's. Be very clear.
But I don't know that that wouldconstitute 2 whole stars.
I know you're right. I think it's just a discomfort.
A. Self to comfort.
So have the replies back to you been like?
(05:47):
Have they? Normal.
OK. Have they had like just that?
Are they cushioning? No, they're not cushioning.
It's funny. I think this is a in my own
brain thing where I'm like, if I'm not being so cushiony, is
that rude? But it's not rude, it's just
direct. Yeah, that's what I brought you
all year. Listen and these are the rules
(06:07):
that we help to give to our listeners so that they can be
more direct with their emails. This is a perfect example.
I feel clearer now that yeah, then you know where that takes
me. I think I'm at A5 store.
We've gotten them back. We've got.
The stars right back up. There, thank you.
Where do you think your etiquette was this week?
(06:28):
You know. I think it was pretty Dang good.
I don't I can't think of anything usually.
Here's here's my thing is that Istarted A5 and then like faux
pas bring me down. That's see, that's he's, that's
my standard. I think I think I'm a little
more and maybe you're this way is like I start, I put myself at
like a 3 1/2 four and then I getit.
I have to I have to earn it. It's just it's just it's just,
(06:51):
you know, like Pats in the back or demerits.
It's just you got to. You can only go up or down,
which is so I. Yours is healthier.
We're gonna try yours. Yeah, we're gonna try yours.
We're gonna try five stars. No, I don't really.
I haven't really had many instances.
I feel like, like you, I've beencushioning emails.
Yeah, there was a few. Like, so I I, I walk a dog.
(07:12):
I, I have a dog that I walk. And so like there's like all
like pass by neighbors and stop,like we'll stop for a bit.
And I I never know if I'm like doing too much confo or just
like a good morning is fine totally, or if I just like we
both stare at the ground until our dogs finish.
Let. Them do their.
Thing there hellos because it's like I like am I doing them?
(07:33):
Am I holding them up by just letting our dogs sniff or should
I be filling the time with playful?
They're answering questions about their day and how's the
job going and you know all that.That's how you build a
community. That is, but there's a
different, I do, I feel the difference between the buyers
and the renters, because a lot of a lot of people in the
neighborhood have been there for20 years and are like, this is
(07:56):
our like rent control community.And that's so and so down the
street and they like to park their SUV this way.
And then like I come in and I'm like, I, I'm always, I feel like
renting. You're just like I've moved
every two to three years. Yeah, you're like, I can't get
attached to you. Yeah, I'm gonna leave at some
point, right? Right.
Never think about you again. Yeah, I mean, I will.
(08:17):
I'll think about some of the badones.
Yeah. Yeah.
You have been by neighbors only one time.
Whoa. His name was Chili.
He was not chil and was. The bite Spicy.
It was. It was on.
It was directly on my butt sheet.
That's an awesome question. The butt was the bite.
Spicy, Spicy. Speaking of spicy, you have a
spicy, contentious court case for us.
(08:39):
I do. Yeah, OK.
I do. Yes, deep in it, yes.
Is it? Do we need to send our our
breaths too for the case? Yeah, let's take a deep breath,
all of us. OK, this is good radio.
Yeah, OK, I feel readier now. You do.
Yeah, OK. So.
We've got we've had that nice case.
Oh, I see you have a leather a leather dossier.
(09:00):
Well, I only travel with leatherDossier.
Yeah, perfect. It's the only way to travel.
Do you keep pens and business cards in there, or do you keep
it kind of just fresh and blank?I keep it blank because it helps
my mind stay blank. Right.
We always carry a blank portfolio.
It's just in case we do something great.
Yeah, sometimes you just want tolook at a blank can.
(09:22):
Oh absolutely. Yeah, sometimes.
What is thinking without no thoughts?
Exactly. And meditation and that, I
believe, Thoreau said. Probably Justin.
He is really quite poetic. So with this case, is this
something that is this somethingthat would happen like only with
between people that like deeply know each other or is this
(09:45):
something that like happens across society stranger to
stranger? This is something that happens
stranger to stranger, yeah. Dangerous, dangerous.
So we all need to watch out. You're everybody needs to watch
out at a lot, a lot of the time at a lot at a lot of the time
if. You if your head.
(10:07):
On a swivel. If you don't want to deal with
this, you stay home. If you don't want to deal with
this, stay home. Yeah, I can say that.
OK. So this is something that US
three, we, US three have all experienced probably for sure.
For sure, for sure. OK, good enough.
For sure, for sure. Should we crack into it?
Let's do it. Let's crack it open.
(10:29):
Oh, hey, do you mind holding theelevator door for me?
Oh, oh, got it. Oh, you you're you're holding
it. Why are you pushing close the
door? It's.
Can you hold? Can you hold it?
I got it. OK.
I'm in the elevator. OK, it seemed like the two of
you didn't want to hold the elevator door for me.
I I'm not with him. I'm not with him.
(10:52):
But. Yeah, I but at.
The same in the same way at the same time.
I didn't. I didn't press a button.
Yeah, 'cause there's the whole door button, but you were
pushing, you were pushing closeddoor, right?
I you weren't supposed to see that, I'm sorry, I I really try
and keep my elevator companions to a minimum.
OK, I. Yeah, sorry.
(11:13):
I glad you made it. Well, yeah, no, now that you're
here, you seem really nice. Yeah.
OK, Jeremy Drew, we've been living in the same apartment
building for seven years and. Jenny from 3B.
Yeah, I'm from 3B. Right.
You know what, I'm going to, I'mjust going to pull an emergency
stop on this elevator because no, because I've I've had
(11:35):
enough. And I think we really need to
hash this out right now, OK? Yeah, I was in a bit of a hurry,
but I suppose. My girlfriend is coming over and
she'll be here in like 5 minutesand I really really need to have
at least wash my face because she thinks I'm disgusting
already and she'll break up withme if I stay this dirty all the
time OK. But.
(11:57):
I'm a bike messenger. I get dirty at work.
Yeah, a lot of grease. I mean it's mostly like bugs
flying in. The face I'm.
Getting my teeth from the chain.Anyways, so let's let's speed it
up. OK, let's hash it out.
OK. Yeah.
So like you want? To get on the elevator.
Yeah, I've been wanting to get on some elevators where the
(12:19):
doors have been closing right the moment after, and the two of
you actually have a very noticeable feature.
So I know that it's the two of you.
You're always wearing the famousclown shoes that you have.
Yeah. Those are three sizes too big.
I don't even understand how it'scomfortable to walk on.
Those it's it's really, I get a lot of leverage when I'm on my
bike. OK.
(12:40):
And that makes sense. Like I bike with my toes, sure,
and then I can go really fast. OK.
So the clown shoes are utility. They're not like they're not
just because I'm also very funny.
OK, and silly, you have the audible Bengals that you wear
all that's just stacked. So I I know it's my.
(13:01):
Bans. Yeah.
My truth bans. Yeah, so I know it's the two of
you. I know you're shutting me out.
Is there a reason why you don't want me to be?
I just I I can I can I get personal issue?
Sure, I would Love. Yeah.
I just don't know what those arrows are doing on those
buttons. Oh, is that it?
'Cause like you have the two triangles and two point each
(13:21):
other and then two are standing back-to-back and it's like, are
the triangles the doors? OK.
In which direction are they going?
And so it's it's well, I know that my Bengals might tell you
that I don't care about you and I don't want you on my elevator.
But yeah, I'm just confused. OK, see I am know that.
I do believe that you're confused, but I'm definitely not
(13:42):
confused. Oh, so you're not confused?
I just like as I said before, I want to keep my elevator
companions to a minimum. And why is that?
And I'm in that circle. This is.
Right. Well, the two of you travel
everywhere. You're on the back seat of his
bike. Yeah, yeah, we we bond together
because everybody can hear when we're coming.
Me with the Bengals and him withthe clown shoes.
That's. Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.
Yeah, absolutely. And I just want to say that like
(14:06):
the, the, the elevator is reallykind of a sacred space and it
reminds me that we are animals. It feels like a little bit like
a cage. And like the fewer the fewer
strangers I know you're not a stranger stranger.
You're from the three Jenny from3B.
(14:27):
Yeah, I mean, I did invite you to my wedding last year and I
didn't get an RSVP card. How was that?
Yeah. Was it nice?
It was nice so. Together.
Yeah. Interesting.
It is is that. Interesting.
It just seems you like have a problem with being shut out of
things, so I've. Yeah, is it weird that I like to
be let in? I I mean, I suppose, you know,
(14:49):
an open door is an open doorway.Yeah.
Sorry, sorry. It's one of my Bengals says
that. Oh.
OK, Did you get that at a festival?
Yes. Which one?
You haven't heard of it? Try me.
Swarma. Swarma, Swarma.
It's when the mosquitoes rise toa mountain altitude and there's
(15:10):
just swarms of them and. And you go to be with.
Them. Yeah.
Drum and bass. Oh, wow, you're right.
I haven't heard of that. Well, you're right.
You're right. I haven't heard of that.
You know what? I'm going to be straightforward
because that's what we're doing in this elevator, right?
Now, yeah, we've learned anytimeyou want, anytime you want to
pull that fire, stop. Make sure people outside are
(15:32):
worrying about. Us.
That's OK that's OK. I'm sending them thoughts and
prayers. OK OK.
You I trust and I think that your intentions are great and
you've just accidentally left meout.
I'm just now you. I don't trust you from a mile
(15:54):
away. You are standing on my clown
shoes, Yeah. That's right, I'm pointing in my
face. I'm not hate.
Give me that. Give me that bow tie that
squirts out water. Give me clown bow tie that hey
squeak, squeak your nose. Oh boy.
Whoa, so someone couldn't get onan elevator?
(16:19):
I think I know what's in that. I think I know it's in that
portfolio dossier. I'll take a gander at it.
Is it see in the scene we made an effort to or an effort to
close the so is it just not holding the elevator door?
I think it's simple as that. I.
I think it might be as simple. As that or pretending to hold
(16:41):
the elevator door because that'slike a different level of, of of
diabolicalism, which I've done I've for sure.
No. Yeah, just like.
Well, OK, I think, I think in that folder is holding the
elevator door. I think that's what's going to
be in that in the in the folder.And so I think, do you agree?
(17:04):
Yes. And I also like to point out all
of our privilege for having ridden an elevator before,
because not everybody has done that.
Not everyone has done it, like our ancestors didn't do it
almost ever. That's true.
Our ancestors didn't ride the elevator.
Almost ever. Back then there was only three
floors and it was all stairs. Right, you had to be like a
nights watch in order to ride anelevator and.
(17:26):
Kill to be a nights watch. Yeah, totally.
I think you have to actually. Kill to be a nights watch.
OK, would you care to open up the the folder and show us
what's inside? Yes.
OK, I don't care. I don't do that.
OK if. You wouldn't if you wouldn't,
could you Just if you wouldn't mind just opening up the dossier
I was cushioning for you? I don't mind, I was trying.
(17:48):
To speak here, OK. I don't mind.
OK, good. But I should hold it out.
Yeah, what does it say? Will you read it for us?
Mr. Roger's style. Not holding, Not holding the
elevator door. There it is, not holding the
elevator door. Not holding the elevator.
Door impressive. All caps Penmanship.
(18:08):
Yeah. Well, I wanted to be clear for
the viewers. Yeah, it's.
Absolutely. Those are the same size too.
That's pretty good. OK, so let's get into this.
OK, let's get into this. What prompted this from from
you? Do you have like a lot of
experience not holding the elevator door?
Do people close the door on you a lot?
I live in a building and there'sprobably like 15 units in my
(18:30):
building. And so, you know, we all sort of
know each other, but like there's like an amount of that
and I really struggle with either trying to time my
entrances into elevators to makesure that I don't have to share
(18:51):
it to have small talk conversation because small talk
conversation is hard for me. It's.
It's it's, it's can be pretty unpleasant.
Yeah. So you're on the outside?
Yes, and. Not wanting to get in.
So. Yeah, I will.
I will sometimes let people go and make my weight a a bit
longer. Just like hang back around the
(19:12):
corner so they don't see. Yeah.
Or like if I'm coming from the garage, I'll like.
Walk slowly. Or just like stay in the car and
do the crossword puzzle for a little bit.
Is that wild? That is crazy.
You're calling. I hashtag believe women but
like, that is an #gaslight women.
(19:34):
I guess you're crazy. Oh my.
Gavel, gavel, gavel. Gavel, tell me more about these
feelings that you're having where it's like, what's wrong
with being in an elevator with somebody?
I have an amount of social anxiety, OK and and by an amount
I mean a lot, OK. Perfect and.
(19:57):
And may I, may I be so bold? Yeah, I'm an ally.
Thank you. OK.
Thank you for standing in solidarity.
I've I've I've occupied myself with a mini crossword to avoid a
hello. I'm a bit of an antagonist.
Not necessarily the elevator, I think because especially a home
elevator, I just want to get home.
You want to get home? I understand.
It's, but I, I, I think that it is difficult that it's your
(20:19):
immediate neighbors. So like you, I feel a certain
amount of like I have to give them the yeah, time of day.
Also, let me provide some context.
My elevator doors close very slowly.
So if I were to get into the elevator with them, it wouldn't
just be a like, zip boop bop, Itwould be like, So what?
(20:43):
Yeah. Do you have a good night?
Yeah. Oh, no, I haven't been to that.
I haven't been to that restaurant.
Was it good? How many floors are we talking?
33 but and then like dingy elevator.
So like we're talking. Like, slow was it?
I gotta go there. And then.
Like, you know, when you run outof questions, then I'm like
(21:04):
pretending to like or like, yeah.
Or like pretending to find my key, rummaging.
Oh, here it is, let me find the key.
OK, OK, have a good night. Sorting through your Sorting
through your janitor's key ring,let.
Me. See which key it is?
Oh, here it is. I'm real.
(21:25):
We're ready. For the door, let.
Me try again. No, I dropped the keys on the
floor like. Just having something to do with
your. Hands.
Oh no, dropping your keys on thefloor in an elevator would be
horrible because like what if they go too close to the other
person then like you both bend down but then they feel
obligated to bend down. I know them, they have to pick
it up. I know Bonk and Heads.
I know you're telling. Me, I'm, I'm moving towards
(21:46):
crossword. I mean, if you if you are going
to tell me I can either do a miniature five letter or
whatever the mini crossword is. Yeah, feel fart smart about
myself. Sit in your car.
For 29 minutes, 27 seconds. Yeah.
Or bonk heads with with your neighbors.
What? Do.
You want to think I I think thatI like couldn't disagree with
(22:09):
you more. I maybe I'm a monster.
Maybe you've lived in a town. Like starting to think I might
be a monster because. You want a bunk heads?
Well, like I, I'm a leader. 'S closer heads, but I also feel
still feel the obligation to sayhello to my neighbors in the
street. Like, like even across the
street I'm like, hello feels. Better than being in an enclosed
(22:30):
environment. That's just hello, hi, ha ha.
Yeah. Sunny.
Whatever it is, whatever the weather is doing, you say.
Yeah, tell me why you couldn't agree less.
So do you? Do you talk in an elevator or do
you just let the loud silence seep?
I use it as an opportunity to make a friend.
(22:50):
That's all disgusting. I'm like.
We are trapped in it. It's my perfect situation.
Oh yeah, yeah. Where I'm like OK.
Pee Wee Herman. Maybe I can.
Maybe your name, maybe I'm. I don't know, but like I so I
remember when I started college,I was so nervous because I
(23:11):
didn't have any friends at college.
Yeah. And there was an elevator.
Pretty popular. There.
That was my elevator in the engineering building.
You just go up and down. Well like literally I would have
laffy taffies in my pocket so I could tell them a laffy taffy
joke. Unbelievable.
Are you? For someone to get.
(23:33):
Off are you? Would you read it off I didn't
know this, but would you read itoff the rapper?
Yeah, Oh my God. So.
You wait for someone to come in so that you could be like, did
you know the ducks fly in in synchronized harmonies when
they're menstruating or whatever, waiting for the time
it's. Supposed to.
Be it's supposed. To be It's like the worst jokes
(23:54):
you've ever. Heard was the joke.
Is like Laffy Taffy's, but they would sell Laffy Taffy's and I
would always just like have a few in my pocket pockets in the
elevator with someone and then like they weren't funny.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sociallyaware enough to know that
they're not funny. Right, but.
But the fact I was hoping that people would just be so endeared
(24:15):
by the fact that I just happenedto have a laffy taffy happened
to just tell a stranger a joke inside of an elevator that
they'd be just like, that's so kooky, that's so funny.
That's what a bad joke. We could laugh about it for just
a moment like this. It's very zany.
You're very. It's zany, it's zany.
It's. Would they come in and then
you'd say, hey, do you want to hear a laffy taffy joke?
(24:35):
I wouldn't. I wouldn't I?
Or would you pull there? Was no consent.
There was absolutely it was a consent.
You would you, But no, that's that's a good that's a good
question. Would you like kind of make a a
joke out of that? It was a laffy taffy joke.
Or would you just pull it out and start reading it as if you
were like, here's an anecdote? I I abandoned the strategy maybe
(24:55):
a month in you. Know why is that?
Because, like, people didn't want to warm Laffy Taffy from
your pocket. Why is that?
Hey, you want to pretty soften my laffy taffy?
He ate. The Laffy.
That's my laffy taffy I paid. For it.
Oh so. He was reading.
Reading the joke. They were.
For the entertainment, not the flavour.
I thought you were like Renaissance Festival, menstrual
(25:16):
just being like hell, I have gotsomething for you.
And then you hand them the candy.
No, I'm not. Like I was a college student.
I couldn't afford to give out mylaffy tap.
Those are for me. Yeah, yeah, that was like a big
part of my diet at the time. OK, so you were OK, so so they
would come in, but you wouldn't,you wouldn't ask.
(25:38):
Can I tell you a joke? No, no, the whole you.
You just, you just absolutely cold open the joke and the
silence was always deafening. So I did have to stop, right?
Because you'd expect that peoplewould be like, what a what a
what a good, good faith opening to a interaction.
(25:58):
But that's not how people react.How are How are the majority of
people reacting? Just like.
Yeah, it's not a, it's not a badfaith opening.
It's a faith opening. People like looked terrified.
Their eyes would get very wide, They would get very they would
make themselves as small as possible.
Any of this as a freshman in college?
And to be fair, I was an old freshman because I didn't start.
(26:24):
Doing laughing. Have you guys seen that old
freshman in the elevator who's going around reading Laffy Taffy
jokes to everybody? Well all my college student
friends were like under over 21 and I was the only one that was
over 21 so I couldn't like take friends to ours.
You would literally. Have to read them laffy Taffy's
in the in the elevators like thechildren they were.
(26:44):
This honestly. Makes it better, Yeah.
Yeah. So you're like teaching the
youth. Yeah.
Yeah. So even with that experience, to
this day you still prefer to be enclosed in an elevator with
somebody in silence. Well, yeah, he was.
He's like Bane. He was born in silence.
So you're pushing the button. You're like keep it open because
(27:04):
I want. To I wanted to keep it.
Open I would I I don't. I don't mind being in an
elevator with other people clearly, but I prefer I don't
like elevators. Actually elevators themselves.
The mechanics of them make me anxious so I will always take
the stairs. Yeah, I'm kind of yeah.
I'm more I don't like, I don't like the idea that there's like
literally nothing below me. I'm afraid of heights and it's
like an imagined height. So it's not quite as bad.
(27:26):
No, it's a literal. It is I.
Think, yeah, it's well, it's literal, but like you can't see
it. I don't know.
Anyways, and. Let me ask you this, do you feel
safer in an elevator alone or with another person?
Or does it make? Hands down.
For you it's a feeling of safety, and for me I feel less
safe. I because it's because it's the
trapped part. The trapped and also just like
all of a sudden my anxiety is peaking just from social
(27:48):
anxiety. Sure.
I mean, it's it's not lost on methat I'm like a six foot one
white guy either that like basically no one has ever been
threatening to me. So to be locked in an elevator
with someone is like never goingto be a threat to my physical
safety. Yeah.
You guys. The literal, that's where I am
starting from and then I'm going, let's socialize from
there, yes? But here, sorry, I don't.
(28:10):
Want to no approach approach the.
Bench, please, if I walked into an elevator and somebody read me
a laffy taffy joke, I would enjoy that.
Yes, what? Yes, I thought.
You would never get that because.
That would get rid of my, like, anxiety.
Like, what are we going to talk about?
Do I have enough questions linedup?
(28:31):
What, like I'm like, this person's taking care of me?
Yeah. So we're we're.
Breaking the ice, that's. A good ice breaker.
There we go. Every time I'd walk into an
elevator, somebody would ask me an interesting question.
What's his favorite time of day?Yeah, exactly.
Or or we're not going to just a just a 2:30, just a factor act
like did you know that like Himalayan salt can.
(28:56):
Jersey, cure the measles. What music?
Yeah, can help a headache. I don't know.
Whatever. If I knew that that is what I
would receive every time I'd go in an elevator, I would be
bolting out of my car to get in an.
Elevator so I think I think you're so.
Thank you, but I think to be in an elevator with me.
In elevators with Nos. Just some like young Weird Al.
(29:20):
It's like a ukulele. I need someone who's waiting for
me with Laffy Taffy. Just like flip.
It they play the finger symbols when you walk on.
Yeah, that's what I want. I need more.
Yeah, I need, I need more icebreaker games in my elevator.
So I think you want like like the the fortune teller from big
the Tom Hanks movie. You want like you want like a
little like what do we like an animatronic joke teller with
(29:41):
that? Because that would have reduced
the social part, because you don't have to worry about them,
Neil, as a human. Totally no I but.
Or is it better that it's it's aa human body bobbing and.
Leaving I I'm perfectly OK walking in to an elevator with a
human person if they had a joke or a fun fact waiting for me.
Everybody loves it, see, And I was really counting on the world
(30:03):
having that attitude towards me,yeah.
And the world did not. You know what, Neil?
I think. University of Saint Thomas.
If I was an engineer elevator, you would have had the right
audience. Thank you.
Yeah. Appreciate that.
No, I would appreciate you for the novelty for sure.
(30:24):
So I love you dearly. That's beautiful.
But that's crazy that you said that.
But I think at the end of the day, we've got to close the door
button, close the door button. Hold the door button.
I'm not, I'm not trying to be glib here, but I have the
momentary like dyslexia of like which ones closed and which ones
open I had. Never thought about it until you
(30:47):
started describing it as like the arrows.
Because the arrow, so the arrow,the play buttons that face that
point to each other. Yeah, to me, I always.
Thought that's closed. Yeah, but there's like they
always put lines on either side of the arrow.
So I'm like, is it going? I don't know, it's like.
Are the doors open? Like I've never had this like to
make the L's. You know which one is the left.
(31:08):
What? You know how Like, you know
which one's your left hand? You make an L with your fingers.
Yeah. You talk about this often.
Those are both. L's I'm pretty sure.
This is J. Left and Jeff.
Left and Jeff. Jasmine, you've you've been
coached. This is how I know where I am.
Yeah, when you reduce yourself to somebody, you say cello and
(31:29):
then you throw up AJ. That's me.
I'm right here. Right.
There Yeah, I think I, if I I'lltry to I'll make a I'll make an
effort to open the hit the door open button yeah like cuz I also
have like like we've done this before, like in a crosswalk.
I'll make a little like like I'mdoing the jog to get out of your
way, like, you know, you fake you.
(31:51):
No, it's, it's faster, like I'm pressing the button, but it's
like I wouldn't be worried if they don't, if they don't make
it. Yeah, I'm not worried about.
It I'm not sticking a hand in between the bands.
Actually, no, I probably do stick hands.
To hold, yeah, yeah. For me, it's not that I'm going
to close the door on somebody, but it's that if I can avoid for
(32:12):
myself, I don't want to inconvenience someone else.
I will inconvenience myself to avoid something that I'm afraid
will be uncomfortable anxiety inducing.
I think that's a that's very human.
That's my truth y'all. So we have.
We have one more thing to get through.
(32:32):
I think I'm going to have to recuse myself from the
punishment part of this because I think that like I think I'm on
a different level or a different.
Like a higher level? Just a different.
One you can be. You can be you're you're.
I might be a sociopath reading Laffy Daffy's to people, or it
might be making them. So, yeah, we try to, like, come
up with like, a punishment or a,you know, whatever, a penalty
(32:52):
for people who don't so hold up an elevator door.
So maybe, Neil, in this case, you're prosecuting minors for
this case, and we're trying themas adults.
Oh, like you? You'd have a softer punishment
for this, is what you're saying?Well, I, I think, I think that
the real crime, if we can identify one here is you want
the door to close, but somebody else already in the elevator
(33:15):
with you is holding it for more people.
I think that's maybe a worst case scenario.
Wait, OK, wait. I'm in the elevator with
somebody else and they're holding the door for more people
to. Come in, come in.
It's against your will. So there's more people like,
well, you're already in the elevator with someone.
What are we saying that's that is a crime if somebody does
that? I think that, yeah, that to me
(33:35):
that's like the clearest crime that could be committed.
See, in that case, if there's other people just Noah's Ark,
just come on in. Yeah, for me, I'm like, we
should be holding that door, right?
OK, because 3 is 3 is maybe better than two.
Yeah, OK. I guess it's sort of like here's
like, here's the question. How far away from the elevator
(33:57):
does somebody have to be for it to be a like a crime?
Yeah, for it to be crime if likeif somebody is like just getting
if somebody is like just gettinginto the building and is like
about to Protilla, if somebody just like what's do we can we
put? Them, Yeah, yeah, I think, I
think if you can, if you can seethem from the inside of the
(34:18):
elevator, I think he got it. You got to, you got to reach an
arm out and make an effort. What if you can only see them at
certain angles in the elevator? Just move to an angle where you
don't see them anymore. Just.
Like you're just. Around, but like I, I think, I
think it's like if, you know, ifyou hear somebody coming in the
door and you know that they're going to be at the elevator
doors in whatever 10 seconds, yeah, you hold.
It you. Can't see them.
Oh no, I think. It's oh, you can't see that
just. Wait for the next one, yeah.
(34:39):
If you can't. See that you know it's coming,
but like they're like they haven't called out yet.
They're totally wait. It's just like, oh, don't ask,
don't tell. Totally total.
OK, so that feels fair. But Neil's looking for a new
joke audience, so you would if you if you know anybody's trying
to take the elevator. I kind of just like live and let
(35:00):
live ultimately. Now I've kind of gotten the,
I've kind of gotten the socializing in an elevator out
of my system and I'm kind of OK with both.
Yeah. I'll I'll, I'll hold it if
they're obviously going to be able to make it and I'll.
Just let it go. If, if I don't feel so
compelled, but I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for
(35:20):
me, yeah. OK, let's we'll make it say
we're the Jenny in the situation.
We're the Jenny from 3B. OK.
And the criminals are what wouldI Eric and Jason?
Drew and Jeremy. Drew and Jeremy, yeah.
So like, what's what should the penalty for Drew and Jeremy be
like where they they actively were not helping?
Yes, because she called, she said Will.
(35:41):
You hold it. She said.
Will you hold it OK? Which is 2 separate crimes
because I showed indifference and you showed actually just
fully. Actively, actively going against
what you asked. I think you should have to.
The next time you come into yourhouse, obviously you have to
take the stairs. Your elevator privileges are
revoked, but I think the stairs have to be the escalator going
(36:04):
down. Like you have to go up the
escalator going down. That just seems dangerous, Yeah.
So let's not play with people's lives here.
Going against escalator. Like, have you ever tried to do
that before? Like, yeah.
That's dangerous. That's.
Dangerous. That's.
Dangerous. All right?
Maybe I'm a little too hard and fast.
Maybe I'm a little too. But I do like elevator
privileges being revoked. Yeah, yeah, wiped out.
Or maybe the elevator will go slower, but that would also trap
(36:27):
the person you've got on. More social anxiety, more
conversations. If they don't make it, the
elevator is just going to go really slowly.
Oh, that's good. Yeah, they get inconvenience for
inconveniencing you also. You get it.
You get even more because. It takes the elevator longer to
come back to you. Yeah, I think the collateral
damage is worth it. Do you think society a lesson?
(36:48):
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
I think that's it. I could I could close the case
on that. Should we close the case on that
you? Got any plugs?
Oh well, I'm on an improv team called Girls Night.
Yeah, we Wednesdays. Yeah, yeah.
(37:12):
Every other week. Yeah, and we perform.
Yeah. And you're in Los Angeles.
Oh yeah, we're doing this weekend.
We probably won't be out by then.
Yeah, we're doing. We're doing the March Improv Los
Angeles Festival and we also have a show Monday, April 28th
(37:37):
at Growlings. Growlings.
Yeah, go see Girls Night Groundlings.
Go see Girls Night wherever you see.
Go follow them on Instagram as well.
Yeah, it's perfect. That's how you'll know about
future things. Should we close the case on
this? Yeah, let's do it.
Oh my gosh. All right, elevator privileges
revoked. Wow, that feels powerful, isn't
(38:00):
it nice? This is premeditated.
What would your walking instrument be?
Jasmine. Mine.
Yeah, What's your spiritual instrument?
What are you? I'm thinking yeah, maybe.
I feel like it's, if I may, yeah, please.
I feel like it's a string that you that you bow specifically.
Thinking bow. Yeah, I was.
I don't. Know which one?
Cello. Yes, I think cello it might be a
(00:21):
thinking. Cello.
Most noble of the strings. Yeah, Viola like one of not not
a stand up bass, yeah, a tiny violin, but one of the medium
sized bowed I. Don't know, I think, yeah, but I
think I think you're more front row too because the violas are
like in the middle back. Are they?
And the sides is like a violin and cello.
(00:41):
Sure. And the bass is up at the back.
They are really the stars, yeah.Right, right.
Thank you. I'm gonna hold on to that.
That'll get me. First Cello.
Wow, that's amazing. What do you all identify as?
I think I'm probably took you so.
Long to ask. Like synthesizer, you know,
(01:02):
like, like an 80s synthesizer. Yeah, kind of techy.
I could see 80s. Yeah.
Pretty gay, yeah. Yeah, I like that.
What do you this is good? I mean, my first thought was
like the, you know, like the electric keyboard that has like
the demo song button, yeah. That's what you think you are.
(01:23):
Yeah, that like plays the same. I thought maybe that that or
like the Dick Van Dyke Mary Poppins machine, you know, like
the boom boom. Boom.
Either way, you're like fun out-of-the-box.
That's. Percussion.
OK, the. Person who can do it all sort of
like all of a sudden they come out with like teeny tiny
symbols. Marimba.
Marimba Maroon. It's percussion and it's
(01:44):
melodic. Yeah.
Yeah. You don't like it?
It's so my I do like I love marimba.
Thank you marimba you don't likemarimba marimba, but you do have
to like read. It is like, you know, you got to
read music and it's I feel like I got to wear more tie dye for
marimba flip flops. You're.
Sort of a Stoner. I do.
Yeah, I do. I was wearing tie dye.
(02:04):
Earlier today. Fuck, you have to do it more.
Yeah, I think percussion. Yeah, yeah.
Your, your, your shirt even, says Morota.
Yeah. That's.
Almost Marima. Wow.
Wow. Mariota.
Not Mariota. Wow.
It's all coming together. It's.
Coming together, it says the cello in the room.
Yeah, the first chair cello. This is premeditated.
(02:30):
The podcast investigating society's unwritten laws and the
heinous ways they're broken. True crime.
Low stakes. I'm Neil, I'm Graham, and this
is premeditated America. It's premeditated.
(02:50):
We're back after some time and we're just catching up here with
Jasmine Ellis, professional cellist.
Professional cellist in that I don't cello but in that I am
body a cello perfect which is all you.
Could body a cello too? Just like really?
I could really see you playing it very well.
(03:11):
Like you know, how do you feel like?
Oh, you just like body that beat.
Like yeah, I do love the way people of the stringed
instruments they do. Cut.
Yeah, because it's between your leg.
Yeah, you got a. Yeah, and the violin is too.
They're, you know, they're usingupper.
Yeah, and most of these DJs are just using, they're just tapping
on a little. Key Yeah, so I have heard a
(03:32):
rumor about your e-mail. Oh, actually I've heard same
rumor. Gosh, it's spreading already.
And. We we learned about it through
an e-mail, actually. Wow.
Wow. It's out of control.
Yeah, it's true. The rumor is true.
I have a general tendency of being very cushiony with my
(03:57):
emails. I do a lot of please and just.
And if you would, maybe could you.
I'm so sorry in advance. You are.
I exist and it's bad of me. I'm going to make myself really,
really small and then maybe we can have a zoom.
(04:17):
And you know what? This week I decided.
No more. No more.
No more just. No more making myself.
Small, just it. So you're going to give up two
whole stars in order to experiment with your e-mail
tone? Yeah.
It's funny, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, did
I have less etiquette or did I just take up more space?
Wow, isn't that always the question?
(04:38):
It is. That is a tough line.
So I need an example of how you of what?
What's new in the e-mail? OK, well, I've removed a lot of
the a lot of the words that I tend to use.
I've removed a lot of the exclamation marks that I tend.
To use extra concise. Yes, and instead of having an
energy of you're doing me a favor and please, won't you
(05:04):
please, please, please. I'm trying to bring in more of
an energy of like, let's hey, this is hey.
I have a need here's. What I want, I don't know that
that I mean, I didn't read the e-mail.
(05:25):
It wasn't to me. So let's just get that out of
the way. This e-mail was not to me.
Let's. Very clear about that.
No proofreading was done by the premeditated staff.
Let's. Be very clear.
But I don't know that that wouldconstitute 2 whole stars.
I know you're right. I think it's just a discomfort.
A. Self to comfort.
So have the replies back to you been like?
(05:47):
Have they? Normal.
OK. Have they had like just that?
Are they cushioning? No, they're not cushioning.
It's funny. I think this is a in my own
brain thing where I'm like, if I'm not being so cushiony, is
that rude? But it's not rude, it's just
direct. Yeah, that's what I brought you
all year. Listen and these are the rules
(06:07):
that we help to give to our listeners so that they can be
more direct with their emails. This is a perfect example.
I feel clearer now that yeah, then you know where that takes
me. I think I'm at A5 store.
We've gotten them back. We've got.
The stars right back up. There, thank you.
Where do you think your etiquette was this week?
(06:28):
You know. I think it was pretty Dang good.
I don't I can't think of anything usually.
Here's here's my thing is that Istarted A5 and then like faux
pas bring me down. That's see, that's he's, that's
my standard. I think I think I'm a little
more and maybe you're this way is like I start, I put myself at
like a 3 1/2 four and then I getit.
I have to I have to earn it. It's just it's just it's just,
(06:51):
you know, like Pats in the back or demerits.
It's just you got to. You can only go up or down,
which is so I. Yours is healthier.
We're gonna try yours. Yeah, we're gonna try yours.
We're gonna try five stars. No, I don't really.
I haven't really had many instances.
I feel like, like you, I've beencushioning emails.
Yeah, there was a few. Like, so I I, I walk a dog.
(07:12):
I, I have a dog that I walk. And so like there's like all
like pass by neighbors and stop,like we'll stop for a bit.
And I I never know if I'm like doing too much confo or just
like a good morning is fine totally, or if I just like we
both stare at the ground until our dogs finish.
Let. Them do their.
Thing there hellos because it's like I like am I doing them?
(07:33):
Am I holding them up by just letting our dogs sniff or should
I be filling the time with playful?
They're answering questions about their day and how's the
job going and you know all that.That's how you build a
community. That is, but there's a
different, I do, I feel the difference between the buyers
and the renters, because a lot of a lot of people in the
neighborhood have been there for20 years and are like, this is
(07:56):
our like rent control community.And that's so and so down the
street and they like to park their SUV this way.
And then like I come in and I'm like, I, I'm always, I feel like
renting. You're just like I've moved
every two to three years. Yeah, you're like, I can't get
attached to you. Yeah, I'm gonna leave at some
point, right? Right.
Never think about you again. Yeah, I mean, I will.
(08:17):
I'll think about some of the badones.
Yeah. Yeah.
You have been by neighbors only one time.
Whoa. His name was Chili.
He was not chil and was. The bite Spicy.
It was. It was on.
It was directly on my butt sheet.
That's an awesome question. The butt was the bite.
Spicy, Spicy. Speaking of spicy, you have a
spicy, contentious court case for us.
(08:39):
I do. Yeah, OK.
I do. Yes, deep in it, yes.
Is it? Do we need to send our our
breaths too for the case? Yeah, let's take a deep breath,
all of us. OK, this is good radio.
Yeah, OK, I feel readier now. You do.
Yeah, OK. So.
We've got we've had that nice case.
Oh, I see you have a leather a leather dossier.
(09:00):
Well, I only travel with leatherDossier.
Yeah, perfect. It's the only way to travel.
Do you keep pens and business cards in there, or do you keep
it kind of just fresh and blank?I keep it blank because it helps
my mind stay blank. Right.
We always carry a blank portfolio.
It's just in case we do something great.
Yeah, sometimes you just want tolook at a blank can.
(09:22):
Oh absolutely. Yeah, sometimes.
What is thinking without no thoughts?
Exactly. And meditation and that, I
believe, Thoreau said. Probably Justin.
He is really quite poetic. So with this case, is this
something that is this somethingthat would happen like only with
between people that like deeply know each other or is this
(09:45):
something that like happens across society stranger to
stranger? This is something that happens
stranger to stranger, yeah. Dangerous, dangerous.
So we all need to watch out. You're everybody needs to watch
out at a lot, a lot of the time at a lot at a lot of the time
if. You if your head.
(10:07):
On a swivel. If you don't want to deal with
this, you stay home. If you don't want to deal with
this, stay home. Yeah, I can say that.
OK. So this is something that US
three, we, US three have all experienced probably for sure.
For sure, for sure. OK, good enough.
For sure, for sure. Should we crack into it?
Let's do it. Let's crack it open.
(10:29):
Oh, hey, do you mind holding theelevator door for me?
Oh, oh, got it. Oh, you you're you're holding
it. Why are you pushing close the
door? It's.
Can you hold? Can you hold it?
I got it. OK.
I'm in the elevator. OK, it seemed like the two of
you didn't want to hold the elevator door for me.
I I'm not with him. I'm not with him.
(10:52):
But. Yeah, I but at.
The same in the same way at the same time.
I didn't. I didn't press a button.
Yeah, 'cause there's the whole door button, but you were
pushing, you were pushing closeddoor, right?
I you weren't supposed to see that, I'm sorry, I I really try
and keep my elevator companions to a minimum.
OK, I. Yeah, sorry.
(11:13):
I glad you made it. Well, yeah, no, now that you're
here, you seem really nice. Yeah.
OK, Jeremy Drew, we've been living in the same apartment
building for seven years and. Jenny from 3B.
Yeah, I'm from 3B. Right.
You know what, I'm going to, I'mjust going to pull an emergency
stop on this elevator because no, because I've I've had
(11:35):
enough. And I think we really need to
hash this out right now, OK? Yeah, I was in a bit of a hurry,
but I suppose. My girlfriend is coming over and
she'll be here in like 5 minutesand I really really need to have
at least wash my face because she thinks I'm disgusting
already and she'll break up withme if I stay this dirty all the
time OK. But.
(11:57):
I'm a bike messenger. I get dirty at work.
Yeah, a lot of grease. I mean it's mostly like bugs
flying in. The face I'm.
Getting my teeth from the chain.Anyways, so let's let's speed it
up. OK, let's hash it out.
OK. Yeah.
So like you want? To get on the elevator.
Yeah, I've been wanting to get on some elevators where the
(12:19):
doors have been closing right the moment after, and the two of
you actually have a very noticeable feature.
So I know that it's the two of you.
You're always wearing the famousclown shoes that you have.
Yeah. Those are three sizes too big.
I don't even understand how it'scomfortable to walk on.
Those it's it's really, I get a lot of leverage when I'm on my
bike. OK.
(12:40):
And that makes sense. Like I bike with my toes, sure,
and then I can go really fast. OK.
So the clown shoes are utility. They're not like they're not
just because I'm also very funny.
OK, and silly, you have the audible Bengals that you wear
all that's just stacked. So I I know it's my.
(13:01):
Bans. Yeah.
My truth bans. Yeah, so I know it's the two of
you. I know you're shutting me out.
Is there a reason why you don't want me to be?
I just I I can I can I get personal issue?
Sure, I would Love. Yeah.
I just don't know what those arrows are doing on those
buttons. Oh, is that it?
'Cause like you have the two triangles and two point each
(13:21):
other and then two are standing back-to-back and it's like, are
the triangles the doors? OK.
In which direction are they going?
And so it's it's well, I know that my Bengals might tell you
that I don't care about you and I don't want you on my elevator.
But yeah, I'm just confused. OK, see I am know that.
I do believe that you're confused, but I'm definitely not
(13:42):
confused. Oh, so you're not confused?
I just like as I said before, I want to keep my elevator
companions to a minimum. And why is that?
And I'm in that circle. This is.
Right. Well, the two of you travel
everywhere. You're on the back seat of his
bike. Yeah, yeah, we we bond together
because everybody can hear when we're coming.
Me with the Bengals and him withthe clown shoes.
That's. Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.
Yeah, absolutely. And I just want to say that like
(14:06):
the, the, the elevator is reallykind of a sacred space and it
reminds me that we are animals. It feels like a little bit like
a cage. And like the fewer the fewer
strangers I know you're not a stranger stranger.
You're from the three Jenny from3B.
(14:27):
Yeah, I mean, I did invite you to my wedding last year and I
didn't get an RSVP card. How was that?
Yeah. Was it nice?
It was nice so. Together.
Yeah. Interesting.
It is is that. Interesting.
It just seems you like have a problem with being shut out of
things, so I've. Yeah, is it weird that I like to
be let in? I I mean, I suppose, you know,
(14:49):
an open door is an open doorway.Yeah.
Sorry, sorry. It's one of my Bengals says
that. Oh.
OK, Did you get that at a festival?
Yes. Which one?
You haven't heard of it? Try me.
Swarma. Swarma, Swarma.
It's when the mosquitoes rise toa mountain altitude and there's
(15:10):
just swarms of them and. And you go to be with.
Them. Yeah.
Drum and bass. Oh, wow, you're right.
I haven't heard of that. Well, you're right.
You're right. I haven't heard of that.
You know what? I'm going to be straightforward
because that's what we're doing in this elevator, right?
Now, yeah, we've learned anytimeyou want, anytime you want to
pull that fire, stop. Make sure people outside are
(15:32):
worrying about. Us.
That's OK that's OK. I'm sending them thoughts and
prayers. OK OK.
You I trust and I think that your intentions are great and
you've just accidentally left meout.
I'm just now you. I don't trust you from a mile
(15:54):
away. You are standing on my clown
shoes, Yeah. That's right, I'm pointing in my
face. I'm not hate.
Give me that. Give me that bow tie that
squirts out water. Give me clown bow tie that hey
squeak, squeak your nose. Oh boy.
Whoa, so someone couldn't get onan elevator?
(16:19):
I think I know what's in that. I think I know it's in that
portfolio dossier. I'll take a gander at it.
Is it see in the scene we made an effort to or an effort to
close the so is it just not holding the elevator door?
I think it's simple as that. I.
I think it might be as simple. As that or pretending to hold
(16:41):
the elevator door because that'slike a different level of, of of
diabolicalism, which I've done I've for sure.
No. Yeah, just like.
Well, OK, I think, I think in that folder is holding the
elevator door. I think that's what's going to
be in that in the in the folder.And so I think, do you agree?
(17:04):
Yes. And I also like to point out all
of our privilege for having ridden an elevator before,
because not everybody has done that.
Not everyone has done it, like our ancestors didn't do it
almost ever. That's true.
Our ancestors didn't ride the elevator.
Almost ever. Back then there was only three
floors and it was all stairs. Right, you had to be like a
nights watch in order to ride anelevator and.
(17:26):
Kill to be a nights watch. Yeah, totally.
I think you have to actually. Kill to be a nights watch.
OK, would you care to open up the the folder and show us
what's inside? Yes.
OK, I don't care. I don't do that.
OK if. You wouldn't if you wouldn't,
could you Just if you wouldn't mind just opening up the dossier
I was cushioning for you? I don't mind, I was trying.
(17:48):
To speak here, OK. I don't mind.
OK, good. But I should hold it out.
Yeah, what does it say? Will you read it for us?
Mr. Roger's style. Not holding, Not holding the
elevator door. There it is, not holding the
elevator door. Not holding the elevator.
Door impressive. All caps Penmanship.
(18:08):
Yeah. Well, I wanted to be clear for
the viewers. Yeah, it's.
Absolutely. Those are the same size too.
That's pretty good. OK, so let's get into this.
OK, let's get into this. What prompted this from from
you? Do you have like a lot of
experience not holding the elevator door?
Do people close the door on you a lot?
I live in a building and there'sprobably like 15 units in my
(18:30):
building. And so, you know, we all sort of
know each other, but like there's like an amount of that
and I really struggle with either trying to time my
entrances into elevators to makesure that I don't have to share
(18:51):
it to have small talk conversation because small talk
conversation is hard for me. It's.
It's it's, it's can be pretty unpleasant.
Yeah. So you're on the outside?
Yes, and. Not wanting to get in.
So. Yeah, I will.
I will sometimes let people go and make my weight a a bit
longer. Just like hang back around the
(19:12):
corner so they don't see. Yeah.
Or like if I'm coming from the garage, I'll like.
Walk slowly. Or just like stay in the car and
do the crossword puzzle for a little bit.
Is that wild? That is crazy.
You're calling. I hashtag believe women but
like, that is an #gaslight women.
(19:34):
I guess you're crazy. Oh my.
Gavel, gavel, gavel. Gavel, tell me more about these
feelings that you're having where it's like, what's wrong
with being in an elevator with somebody?
I have an amount of social anxiety, OK and and by an amount
I mean a lot, OK. Perfect and.
(19:57):
And may I, may I be so bold? Yeah, I'm an ally.
Thank you. OK.
Thank you for standing in solidarity.
I've I've I've occupied myself with a mini crossword to avoid a
hello. I'm a bit of an antagonist.
Not necessarily the elevator, I think because especially a home
elevator, I just want to get home.
You want to get home? I understand.
It's, but I, I, I think that it is difficult that it's your
(20:19):
immediate neighbors. So like you, I feel a certain
amount of like I have to give them the yeah, time of day.
Also, let me provide some context.
My elevator doors close very slowly.
So if I were to get into the elevator with them, it wouldn't
just be a like, zip boop bop, Itwould be like, So what?
(20:43):
Yeah. Do you have a good night?
Yeah. Oh, no, I haven't been to that.
I haven't been to that restaurant.
Was it good? How many floors are we talking?
33 but and then like dingy elevator.
So like we're talking. Like, slow was it?
I gotta go there. And then.
Like, you know, when you run outof questions, then I'm like
(21:04):
pretending to like or like, yeah.
Or like pretending to find my key, rummaging.
Oh, here it is, let me find the key.
OK, OK, have a good night. Sorting through your Sorting
through your janitor's key ring,let.
Me. See which key it is?
Oh, here it is. I'm real.
(21:25):
We're ready. For the door, let.
Me try again. No, I dropped the keys on the
floor like. Just having something to do with
your. Hands.
Oh no, dropping your keys on thefloor in an elevator would be
horrible because like what if they go too close to the other
person then like you both bend down but then they feel
obligated to bend down. I know them, they have to pick
it up. I know Bonk and Heads.
I know you're telling. Me, I'm, I'm moving towards
(21:46):
crossword. I mean, if you if you are going
to tell me I can either do a miniature five letter or
whatever the mini crossword is. Yeah, feel fart smart about
myself. Sit in your car.
For 29 minutes, 27 seconds. Yeah.
Or bonk heads with with your neighbors.
What? Do.
You want to think I I think thatI like couldn't disagree with
(22:09):
you more. I maybe I'm a monster.
Maybe you've lived in a town. Like starting to think I might
be a monster because. You want a bunk heads?
Well, like I, I'm a leader. 'S closer heads, but I also feel
still feel the obligation to sayhello to my neighbors in the
street. Like, like even across the
street I'm like, hello feels. Better than being in an enclosed
(22:30):
environment. That's just hello, hi, ha ha.
Yeah. Sunny.
Whatever it is, whatever the weather is doing, you say.
Yeah, tell me why you couldn't agree less.
So do you? Do you talk in an elevator or do
you just let the loud silence seep?
I use it as an opportunity to make a friend.
(22:50):
That's all disgusting. I'm like.
We are trapped in it. It's my perfect situation.
Oh yeah, yeah. Where I'm like OK.
Pee Wee Herman. Maybe I can.
Maybe your name, maybe I'm. I don't know, but like I so I
remember when I started college,I was so nervous because I
(23:11):
didn't have any friends at college.
Yeah. And there was an elevator.
Pretty popular. There.
That was my elevator in the engineering building.
You just go up and down. Well like literally I would have
laffy taffies in my pocket so I could tell them a laffy taffy
joke. Unbelievable.
Are you? For someone to get.
(23:33):
Off are you? Would you read it off I didn't
know this, but would you read itoff the rapper?
Yeah, Oh my God. So.
You wait for someone to come in so that you could be like, did
you know the ducks fly in in synchronized harmonies when
they're menstruating or whatever, waiting for the time
it's. Supposed to.
Be it's supposed. To be It's like the worst jokes
(23:54):
you've ever. Heard was the joke.
Is like Laffy Taffy's, but they would sell Laffy Taffy's and I
would always just like have a few in my pocket pockets in the
elevator with someone and then like they weren't funny.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sociallyaware enough to know that
they're not funny. Right, but.
But the fact I was hoping that people would just be so endeared
(24:15):
by the fact that I just happenedto have a laffy taffy happened
to just tell a stranger a joke inside of an elevator that
they'd be just like, that's so kooky, that's so funny.
That's what a bad joke. We could laugh about it for just
a moment like this. It's very zany.
You're very. It's zany, it's zany.
It's. Would they come in and then
you'd say, hey, do you want to hear a laffy taffy joke?
(24:35):
I wouldn't. I wouldn't I?
Or would you pull there? Was no consent.
There was absolutely it was a consent.
You would you, But no, that's that's a good that's a good
question. Would you like kind of make a a
joke out of that? It was a laffy taffy joke.
Or would you just pull it out and start reading it as if you
were like, here's an anecdote? I I abandoned the strategy maybe
(24:55):
a month in you. Know why is that?
Because, like, people didn't want to warm Laffy Taffy from
your pocket. Why is that?
Hey, you want to pretty soften my laffy taffy?
He ate. The Laffy.
That's my laffy taffy I paid. For it.
Oh so. He was reading.
Reading the joke. They were.
For the entertainment, not the flavour.
I thought you were like Renaissance Festival, menstrual
(25:16):
just being like hell, I have gotsomething for you.
And then you hand them the candy.
No, I'm not. Like I was a college student.
I couldn't afford to give out mylaffy tap.
Those are for me. Yeah, yeah, that was like a big
part of my diet at the time. OK, so you were OK, so so they
would come in, but you wouldn't,you wouldn't ask.
(25:38):
Can I tell you a joke? No, no, the whole you.
You just, you just absolutely cold open the joke and the
silence was always deafening. So I did have to stop, right?
Because you'd expect that peoplewould be like, what a what a
what a good, good faith opening to a interaction.
(25:58):
But that's not how people react.How are How are the majority of
people reacting? Just like.
Yeah, it's not a, it's not a badfaith opening.
It's a faith opening. People like looked terrified.
Their eyes would get very wide, They would get very they would
make themselves as small as possible.
Any of this as a freshman in college?
And to be fair, I was an old freshman because I didn't start.
(26:24):
Doing laughing. Have you guys seen that old
freshman in the elevator who's going around reading Laffy Taffy
jokes to everybody? Well all my college student
friends were like under over 21 and I was the only one that was
over 21 so I couldn't like take friends to ours.
You would literally. Have to read them laffy Taffy's
in the in the elevators like thechildren they were.
(26:44):
This honestly. Makes it better, Yeah.
Yeah. So you're like teaching the
youth. Yeah.
Yeah. So even with that experience, to
this day you still prefer to be enclosed in an elevator with
somebody in silence. Well, yeah, he was.
He's like Bane. He was born in silence.
So you're pushing the button. You're like keep it open because
(27:04):
I want. To I wanted to keep it.
Open I would I I don't. I don't mind being in an
elevator with other people clearly, but I prefer I don't
like elevators. Actually elevators themselves.
The mechanics of them make me anxious so I will always take
the stairs. Yeah, I'm kind of yeah.
I'm more I don't like, I don't like the idea that there's like
literally nothing below me. I'm afraid of heights and it's
like an imagined height. So it's not quite as bad.
(27:26):
No, it's a literal. It is I.
Think, yeah, it's well, it's literal, but like you can't see
it. I don't know.
Anyways, and. Let me ask you this, do you feel
safer in an elevator alone or with another person?
Or does it make? Hands down.
For you it's a feeling of safety, and for me I feel less
safe. I because it's because it's the
trapped part. The trapped and also just like
all of a sudden my anxiety is peaking just from social
(27:48):
anxiety. Sure.
I mean, it's it's not lost on methat I'm like a six foot one
white guy either that like basically no one has ever been
threatening to me. So to be locked in an elevator
with someone is like never goingto be a threat to my physical
safety. Yeah.
You guys. The literal, that's where I am
starting from and then I'm going, let's socialize from
there, yes? But here, sorry, I don't.
(28:10):
Want to no approach approach the.
Bench, please, if I walked into an elevator and somebody read me
a laffy taffy joke, I would enjoy that.
Yes, what? Yes, I thought.
You would never get that because.
That would get rid of my, like, anxiety.
Like, what are we going to talk about?
Do I have enough questions linedup?
(28:31):
What, like I'm like, this person's taking care of me?
Yeah. So we're we're.
Breaking the ice, that's. A good ice breaker.
There we go. Every time I'd walk into an
elevator, somebody would ask me an interesting question.
What's his favorite time of day?Yeah, exactly.
Or or we're not going to just a just a 2:30, just a factor act
like did you know that like Himalayan salt can.
(28:56):
Jersey, cure the measles. What music?
Yeah, can help a headache. I don't know.
Whatever. If I knew that that is what I
would receive every time I'd go in an elevator, I would be
bolting out of my car to get in an.
Elevator so I think I think you're so.
Thank you, but I think to be in an elevator with me.
In elevators with Nos. Just some like young Weird Al.
(29:20):
It's like a ukulele. I need someone who's waiting for
me with Laffy Taffy. Just like flip.
It they play the finger symbols when you walk on.
Yeah, that's what I want. I need more.
Yeah, I need, I need more icebreaker games in my elevator.
So I think you want like like the the fortune teller from big
the Tom Hanks movie. You want like you want like a
little like what do we like an animatronic joke teller with
(29:41):
that? Because that would have reduced
the social part, because you don't have to worry about them,
Neil, as a human. Totally no I but.
Or is it better that it's it's aa human body bobbing and.
Leaving I I'm perfectly OK walking in to an elevator with a
human person if they had a joke or a fun fact waiting for me.
Everybody loves it, see, And I was really counting on the world
(30:03):
having that attitude towards me,yeah.
And the world did not. You know what, Neil?
I think. University of Saint Thomas.
If I was an engineer elevator, you would have had the right
audience. Thank you.
Yeah. Appreciate that.
No, I would appreciate you for the novelty for sure.
(30:24):
So I love you dearly. That's beautiful.
But that's crazy that you said that.
But I think at the end of the day, we've got to close the door
button, close the door button. Hold the door button.
I'm not, I'm not trying to be glib here, but I have the
momentary like dyslexia of like which ones closed and which ones
open I had. Never thought about it until you
(30:47):
started describing it as like the arrows.
Because the arrow, so the arrow,the play buttons that face that
point to each other. Yeah, to me, I always.
Thought that's closed. Yeah, but there's like they
always put lines on either side of the arrow.
So I'm like, is it going? I don't know, it's like.
Are the doors open? Like I've never had this like to
make the L's. You know which one is the left.
(31:08):
What? You know how Like, you know
which one's your left hand? You make an L with your fingers.
Yeah. You talk about this often.
Those are both. L's I'm pretty sure.
This is J. Left and Jeff.
Left and Jeff. Jasmine, you've you've been
coached. This is how I know where I am.
Yeah, when you reduce yourself to somebody, you say cello and
(31:29):
then you throw up AJ. That's me.
I'm right here. Right.
There Yeah, I think I, if I I'lltry to I'll make a I'll make an
effort to open the hit the door open button yeah like cuz I also
have like like we've done this before, like in a crosswalk.
I'll make a little like like I'mdoing the jog to get out of your
way, like, you know, you fake you.
(31:51):
No, it's, it's faster, like I'm pressing the button, but it's
like I wouldn't be worried if they don't, if they don't make
it. Yeah, I'm not worried about.
It I'm not sticking a hand in between the bands.
Actually, no, I probably do stick hands.
To hold, yeah, yeah. For me, it's not that I'm going
to close the door on somebody, but it's that if I can avoid for
(32:12):
myself, I don't want to inconvenience someone else.
I will inconvenience myself to avoid something that I'm afraid
will be uncomfortable anxiety inducing.
I think that's a that's very human.
That's my truth y'all. So we have.
We have one more thing to get through.
(32:32):
I think I'm going to have to recuse myself from the
punishment part of this because I think that like I think I'm on
a different level or a different.
Like a higher level? Just a different.
One you can be. You can be you're you're.
I might be a sociopath reading Laffy Daffy's to people, or it
might be making them. So, yeah, we try to, like, come
up with like, a punishment or a,you know, whatever, a penalty
(32:52):
for people who don't so hold up an elevator door.
So maybe, Neil, in this case, you're prosecuting minors for
this case, and we're trying themas adults.
Oh, like you? You'd have a softer punishment
for this, is what you're saying?Well, I, I think, I think that
the real crime, if we can identify one here is you want
the door to close, but somebody else already in the elevator
(33:15):
with you is holding it for more people.
I think that's maybe a worst case scenario.
Wait, OK, wait. I'm in the elevator with
somebody else and they're holding the door for more people
to. Come in, come in.
It's against your will. So there's more people like,
well, you're already in the elevator with someone.
What are we saying that's that is a crime if somebody does
that? I think that, yeah, that to me
(33:35):
that's like the clearest crime that could be committed.
See, in that case, if there's other people just Noah's Ark,
just come on in. Yeah, for me, I'm like, we
should be holding that door, right?
OK, because 3 is 3 is maybe better than two.
Yeah, OK. I guess it's sort of like here's
like, here's the question. How far away from the elevator
(33:57):
does somebody have to be for it to be a like a crime?
Yeah, for it to be crime if likeif somebody is like just getting
if somebody is like just gettinginto the building and is like
about to Protilla, if somebody just like what's do we can we
put? Them, Yeah, yeah, I think, I
think if you can, if you can seethem from the inside of the
(34:18):
elevator, I think he got it. You got to, you got to reach an
arm out and make an effort. What if you can only see them at
certain angles in the elevator? Just move to an angle where you
don't see them anymore. Just.
Like you're just. Around, but like I, I think, I
think it's like if, you know, ifyou hear somebody coming in the
door and you know that they're going to be at the elevator
doors in whatever 10 seconds, yeah, you hold.
It you. Can't see them.
Oh no, I think. It's oh, you can't see that
just. Wait for the next one, yeah.
(34:39):
If you can't. See that you know it's coming,
but like they're like they haven't called out yet.
They're totally wait. It's just like, oh, don't ask,
don't tell. Totally total.
OK, so that feels fair. But Neil's looking for a new
joke audience, so you would if you if you know anybody's trying
to take the elevator. I kind of just like live and let
(35:00):
live ultimately. Now I've kind of gotten the,
I've kind of gotten the socializing in an elevator out
of my system and I'm kind of OK with both.
Yeah. I'll I'll, I'll hold it if
they're obviously going to be able to make it and I'll.
Just let it go. If, if I don't feel so
compelled, but I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for
(35:20):
me, yeah. OK, let's we'll make it say
we're the Jenny in the situation.
We're the Jenny from 3B. OK.
And the criminals are what wouldI Eric and Jason?
Drew and Jeremy. Drew and Jeremy, yeah.
So like, what's what should the penalty for Drew and Jeremy be
like where they they actively were not helping?
Yes, because she called, she said Will.
(35:41):
You hold it. She said.
Will you hold it OK? Which is 2 separate crimes
because I showed indifference and you showed actually just
fully. Actively, actively going against
what you asked. I think you should have to.
The next time you come into yourhouse, obviously you have to
take the stairs. Your elevator privileges are
revoked, but I think the stairs have to be the escalator going
(36:04):
down. Like you have to go up the
escalator going down. That just seems dangerous, Yeah.
So let's not play with people's lives here.
Going against escalator. Like, have you ever tried to do
that before? Like, yeah.
That's dangerous. That's.
Dangerous. That's.
Dangerous. All right?
Maybe I'm a little too hard and fast.
Maybe I'm a little too. But I do like elevator
privileges being revoked. Yeah, yeah, wiped out.
Or maybe the elevator will go slower, but that would also trap
(36:27):
the person you've got on. More social anxiety, more
conversations. If they don't make it, the
elevator is just going to go really slowly.
Oh, that's good. Yeah, they get inconvenience for
inconveniencing you also. You get it.
You get even more because. It takes the elevator longer to
come back to you. Yeah, I think the collateral
damage is worth it. Do you think society a lesson?
(36:48):
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
I think that's it. I could I could close the case
on that. Should we close the case on that
you? Got any plugs?
Oh well, I'm on an improv team called Girls Night.
Yeah, we Wednesdays. Yeah, yeah.
(37:12):
Every other week. Yeah, and we perform.
Yeah. And you're in Los Angeles.
Oh yeah, we're doing this weekend.
We probably won't be out by then.
Yeah, we're doing. We're doing the March Improv Los
Angeles Festival and we also have a show Monday, April 28th
(37:37):
at Growlings. Growlings.
Yeah, go see Girls Night Groundlings.
Go see Girls Night wherever you see.
Go follow them on Instagram as well.
Yeah, it's perfect. That's how you'll know about
future things. Should we close the case on
this? Yeah, let's do it.
Oh my gosh. All right, elevator privileges
revoked. Wow, that feels powerful, isn't
(38:00):
it nice? This is premeditated.
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