June 17, 2025 • 46 mins
Who run the Court? GIRLS!! Who gives pets as gifts? Hopefully only people who intimately know your schedule and capabilities!!
On this SPECIAL EPISODE of Premeditated our favorite improv group in town, Girls Night (Danielle Shvartsman, Jasmine Elist, Lizzie McGroder) drop by our law office to debate in the teenage-old question: should you give pets as gifts?
Are there be size limitations? Does the gift have to include the tank or cage or requisite apparatus? Is there a maximum limit on the gift pet’s lifespan?
It’s a wild and wacky episode that you WON’T want to miss. On an ALL NEW Premeditated.
Hosted by Graham Cameron and Neil Zumwalde
Guests: Danielle Shvartsman(@stanleytushi)
Jasmine Elist (@jasmineelist)
Lizzie McGroder (@scootermcgroder)
Premeditated Episode 028
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The same color except all over. I think it's going to be I.
Love all the texture. Color all over.
Not yellow, no, no. You don't know, Kiss Yellow, you
still like this? More I.
Love. Piss yellow.
Wait. You know what this all over like
the light is? Blonde.
Yeah, like the blonde, but the blonde.
In time, Silver. Yeah.
(00:21):
Yeah. That's it's cool.
It's gonna be cool now. Yeah, it'll be cool.
I need. It'll be cool, Lizzie, because
it's on you. It will.
Be because it helps with the difference.
It will be cool. Lizzie's going to pull it off
and you're going to be eating poop in your hands.
Oh my gosh, you're not. With my hands.
Hands you'll be eating poop. That's sucks.
I'm going to do. This.
(00:46):
Terrible. And it's.
My jokes. You guys are in trouble.
And. I am in trouble for sure.
This is premeditated. The podcast investigating
society's unwritten laws and theheinous ways they're broken.
True crime, low stakes. I'm Neil, I'm Graham and this.
(01:08):
Is premeditated, ladies and gentlemen, premeditated.
Is back again. We have the most people we've
ever had on the premeditated couch at one time.
We call the Titanic. We're going down.
(01:32):
It's premeditated. Iceberg.
Edition. Iceberg Edition Edition Edition
Edition. Edition Edition brought to us by
Girls Night. Oh my God, we've got Danielle
Schwartzman, Jasmine Ellis and Lizzie Mcgroder.
Oh amazing. So they're making a.
(01:55):
Little. Judah 3DR3 DRI.
Would say that's 4 dimensional chess playing A3 dimensional.
That's right. Women in STEM.
That's us. That's us, yeah.
We're science. Yeah.
We're going to space. Yeah.
Are you going? To sing It's a wonderful world,
yeah. Katies your favorite Katie, it's
(02:17):
a. Wonder.
Where'd you guys go in space? Would you just?
I wouldn't go. Infinite frontier or.
Would we? There's no fucking.
Lane No, I'm not. I'm not leaving this planet.
Ever. We've never talked about this.
That's so interesting in that death capsule.
(02:39):
I'm not going up I. Don't want to go?
Yeah, OK. You have.
A problem with people who care face.
I'm not gonna make them. Go.
I mean, it's true. I mean, Jasmine, you said you
don't like being going up in an elevator with somebody.
Go up in a spaceship. Obviously I'm not going in a
spaceship, but I do feel like I would have more to talk about in
the spaceship than I do in another.
Not if you're with Katy Perry and Jeff.
(03:01):
But with Katy, with whoever I'd be like, what do you guys think
it's gonna be like? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.
It's you do have at least at least like 90 seconds of small
talk. Yeah.
To. Basically get.
Work, yeah. Yeah, but unfortunately I think
it takes hours. So to get up to get up there,
but I thought theirs was just a 12 minute journey once.
It is, yeah. She's.
Just 12 minutes totally or is it?
(03:21):
They were in space. There was 12 minutes from start
to finish. Isn't.
That crazy? That is crazy.
Wow. Yeah, that is true.
A lot out of that experience. She was 12 minutes.
Yeah, you're right. Like what are we doing?
Millions and millions is everyone.
OK, famous. People, we said it's Katy Perry.
There was Oprah's best friend, GAIL.
Yeah, GAIL, GAIL looked unhappy.She looked absolutely over it.
(03:42):
But she was like, it was so wonderful.
We were begging Katie to sing. Yeah, begging harder saying.
And then she sang It's a Wonderful World, which is so
classy that she didn't do her own song.
It's like, OK, yeah, great. Can I say it's?
Social faux pas? Yes.
I've I met Jeff Bezos. Oh, I need that.
She's really nice. Was she nice?
(04:03):
Whoa. Well.
And we hate him. We hate him.
I know, but what did? She say that.
Was one of my. Girlfriend, she complimented me
on my shoes and I was like, they're from Amazon.
She's like, girl, we have to tell Jeff and then Jeff.
Did you tell Jeff? She's like Jeff.
She's like Jeff. And I will say this, he was
really nice too, what he said. Well, he said, good girl, what
(04:26):
is? There not to be nice about you
bought something from Amazon. They've easily just been like,
like, like, OK, OK, but he was like, hey, what do you do?
Like, he was really nice. We hate him billions.
We hate billionaires and he was really nice shit.
Yeah. Hey, guys, You wanna eat them?
But they're just, they're just so endearing.
Yeah. Did you?
Did you know it was she before you talked to her?
(04:47):
Yeah, we're out there the. Amazon has a little bit of like
a name drop. Yes, Yeah, yeah, that's.
You were at their house. You're wow.
Where is their house? It's a whole.
It's a whole block in the Beverly Hills, it's a whole
block. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a whole block.
Local houses. No, it's just one and it's like
an estate that takes the whole thing.
(05:08):
Oh God, I. Don't know man.
Guys past life. You seem not sold it.
Makes me. Exhausted.
I don't no, no and I'm not saying anything.
I'm not saying any no and I hateit and she's.
Not doing anything. And Emison, I got 2 deliveries
this week, do you know what I mean?
From the Big A. Yeah, I'm not happy I'm
(05:30):
returning one of them. OK.
Was it a poor product or do you just not like Amazon?
It was gloves. So they got to go.
I got them in two different colors and I and sorry I knew
from the beginning I was only going to keep one.
I only need one color and I'm keeping the lighter 1 and I
wasn't sure if it was going to be the lighter one or the darker
one. It's the lighter one.
(05:50):
Fast, fast. That's right, that's right,
that's right. I only need them for one night
only. I'm sticking a bunch of nails on
them. I just can't spend fucking money
like that, OK? Yeah, not.
In this economy. That's what I'm saying.
No, no, that's what I'm saying we're.
All doing. We're all doing the best we can.
Thank you. Everyone stick nails and one
pair of gloves and. Yes.
(06:10):
Thank you so much for understanding.
OK. I feel a lot better now.
Yeah. Speaking of doing the best we
can, yeah, Yeah. I think Danielle here has been
doing the best she can in another way.
Thank you. Say that.
What are you referring to You? Brought a case file.
Oh yeah. In the dossier.
In the dossier. Away from home.
(06:32):
I've been dragging it on my back.
Ohh Damn, that feels good. Ohh good.
Yeah, that's nice. Thank you.
That feels nice. I'm glad that Jasmine can
alleviate some of the back pain from carrying around the weight
of this social faux pas. Oh my.
God, I'm so curious just about it.
(06:52):
Do you want to tell us anything about it without giving it away?
You kind of ask, is this one that your?
Is this one of your mom's? No, I I thought of it by myself.
She's. A big girl.
She orders off of Amazon. By myself, But I will say my mom
really wants to come on this podcast, I said that privately
announced. We should.
(07:14):
Have She's down. Your mom on this?
All of our moms, that's so. Funny.
Just so funny. We have Girls night and then we
have all of. Girls nights yeah, we're going
to break our. Own record, We're all on this
couch. Women's evening, Yeah.
That's so. Good.
And then we make them improvise our moms.
(07:35):
You guys should. Do that I think our.
Moms on the podcast. Yeah, that's funny.
We could have our moms hosted, yeah.
That's funny. I'm obsessed.
I'm obsessed. It's coming.
It's coming. Oh yeah.
Get them in. It might be too fast.
You can't start a Patreon that fast.
We need to get this behind a paywall or something.
(07:57):
That's the. Truth.
You're right, you're right. You're.
Getting ahead of myself, you're right, you're right.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I think we need to crack this case up, Yeah.
Clash of 2025 Chelsea. You did it.
(08:17):
Guys, we did it well. Guys, no, I didn't make it,
Theresa. Well, and that's OK because we
all, you know, after high schoolwe all went to different
schools. And so like coming to your
party, Chelsea is. Just like it's a big deal.
I know, Emma. I know you studied so hard,
guys. I'm going to.
Pepperdine. That's so.
Major to get your masters while I'll be repeating freshman year
(08:38):
again because freshman. Year of high school.
They make you start right away back.
Yep, Teresa, that's like really sad.
Teresa, do not get down on yourself.
You're so amazing and. Get down on myself because I'm
going to be 35 by the time. Again, that amazing.
OK, well I'm going to let you feel your feelings.
I'm not going to tell you to do,but I wouldn't.
I wouldn't see you as any other than my best friend.
(08:59):
Thank you. I guess while I was trying to
become a bedazzling major, they faced me in the eyes senior year
and they said, excuse me, that'snot a major.
Well. It's not a major.
Well, I thought I could make it.What's the?
Point you forget, but if it wasn't attached to but girls,
girls, girls. I hate it when my girls fight
this. Is my party guys that's right
(09:20):
we're. Celebrating and actually, I know
that you kind of were like, I don't need a gift, but I did get
you a little. Emma, you shouldn't have.
I didn't do that. I thought we said we weren't
getting anyone gifts. I know.
But I just, I really thought like, OK, my girl is going to be
a Pepperdine. Yeah.
A Pepperdine patriot. I I wish I thought of that.
(09:45):
God, is that what they call you?No, it's their.
It's it's their mascot. Oh, the Patriot.
Yeah. Is that?
True. So emblematic of America.
Oh yeah, Emma, it's. True.
That's so major that you're going to be just like a
patriotic patriot of these United States.
For the next 49ers. Oh my God, I heard that.
Pepperdine has a tradition wheresomeone dresses as Paul Revere
(10:06):
and said the British are coming the British.
Yeah, it's going to be me. You have so much fun ahead of
you coming I. Know Thanks Emma.
So you got me a gift. Well, I just figured like for
such like a momentous life changing occasions such as
graduating and moving on to the next stage of life, you need
sort of like something that's gonna signify a major life
(10:29):
shift. So you bought me a car?
OK. You bought her a car?
Go. You got me a car.
It's not a car. Thank God.
You know, I feel like it's goingto be really disappointed.
You get her like a card or something small that like she
probably will be more annoyed athaving to like carry around for
a while so then she'll be grateful that I didn't get her
(10:51):
anything probably. It's actually that's an
interesting way to put it. That's an interesting because
that is an element of it. But I would.
I would say. It's a It's a little more work
than a card. I must spill the beans, I'm
getting tired. You are so fired up today, my
little superstar. OK, I I brought it in a bunch of
(11:12):
different components. OK, so this one is.
What is it like a Chili Bowl station?
Imagine, I figure, a Chili Bowl station.
Yeah, it comes. In a bunch.
Of different components. So have you ever thought about
pursuing comedy? You don't have to go to college
(11:33):
for that. You.
Don't think I get to do that. I think you can just do it even
though a lot of people go to college.
No, I. Think I'm gonna.
I think I'm gonna. Waste some money 1st and then
and then probably see if we can.Pepperdine has an improv team,
so I'm basically have a fast track to Hollywood, she said.
I'm gonna be a comedian, not you.
Girls. Girls, girls, there's a room at
(11:54):
the top for all of us, OK? So what is it if it's not a
chilly station? OK, I'll pull them out one by
one. OK first, and this might give it
away. It's a big bag of little
pebbles. All right, next gift do you
like? Confused, is it aquarium?
That's right, Teresa, it's a nice one is a big glass box.
(12:16):
I'm a team. What am I supposed?
And then finally, a little bag full of water and your gift.
Is it a is it a fucking goldfish?
You're gonna have to deal with the goldfish for the ocean of
your life. I leave for Turkey in a few
weeks before Pepperdine. Oh well, you should.
Figure out somebody to watch. I can't take it.
You can't give a pet as a gift. Well, I did do.
(12:39):
That I was feeling pretty happy that I decided not to get you a
gift. Yeah, actually I am Emma,
You're. Out.
No. Yeah, no.
Crystal, you're you're in. Why?
I thought I did something amazing.
Hey, you know what? I was forget.
You know what, Chelsea? You're out.
I know. I'm not even gonna stop you.
My girls have turned against me.No.
You're out. I'm in, you're in.
(13:02):
I'm in, you're out. I'm out, I'm out.
Am I in? And I'm in.
Am I in? I'm out.
You're out, you're out. You're both and I'm in and I'm.
Out. Don't lie you're.
I lied. I'm not going to Pepperdine
Chelsea. Yeah, no, I didn't get in.
Stop. Are you going anywhere?
I'm going to I'm going to ASU. That's the party.
(13:26):
Central, I know, and I didn't even get in, so I'm just going
to show up and hope that they don't say.
Anything. I bet it'll be fine.
Thanks, Emma. Yeah, guys, can we squash this
beef? Yeah, I'm.
Begging you, I'll take the fish with me to Turkey.
I can. Watch it while you're in Turkey.
Thanks, Emma. Yeah, you're welcome.
And maybe we can name the fish. Best friends, yeah.
(13:47):
Let's name our one goldfish bestfriends 3/2. 1.
Best friends. That was quite wow.
The dramatic improv, improvised reenactment, Yes, all rise for
(14:08):
their Honorable girls night. I say we're rising.
He's missing. So Danielle, you brought that to
us. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you and thank you and for.That and you're welcome.
And by the way, thank you, Daniel.
Thank you for bringing that. And you're welcome and thank
you. Yeah, yeah.
You're welcome. Thank you.
Yeah. And you're and you're welcome
and thank you. Yes, yeah.
That's good etiquette. Yes, that's good.
(14:29):
You're welcome and thank you, everybody.
Yeah, yeah. Please and thank yous, peas and
teas. I think I have a pretty good
idea what this one. Is I?
I do too, I think. I think that it's pretty clear.
Well. Acted.
Bar portrayed, I feel pretty clear on it.
Do you wanna start? Me.
Yeah, about what you think it could be.
(14:50):
OK, I think it is around the world of being gifted something
that becomes like a responsibility or a nuisance.
Not necessarily a chili station.Yeah.
Which could be pretty nice. Dying to be gifted Chili station
and it. Almost never happened it.
Almost never happened. Almost never.
(15:11):
It's any of those things you have to like piece.
Together through gifts like you get the crockpot one birthday,
then Christmas you get the cheese topping or the whole
thing. And a bunch of beans.
That's a bad birthday. Oh, it's that year.
It's the just the beans here. And they have to stay for a
whole year and can't even. Use.
(15:31):
Yeah, they have to stay. It's the.
Last. No, the last one has to be the
cheese. Ohh yeah, stuff that goes.
Right the. Perishables one.
Has to be green. The perishables.
Lime goes on top. Lime gets.
Yeah, you do. Perishables.
A little lots. So that's a good year.
The lime one. All the perishables.
Oh yeah. Cuz you get them all.
That'll be the final. You'll finally be able to have
(15:52):
the chili. After 10 years of receiving
gifts. We've been aspiring to this the
whole time. That's that's worse than what I
brought. That's better, I should say.
Yeah, I think that it's being gifted a pet.
Maybe, yeah. Specifically a pet you.
Think I think it might specifically be a pet.
Yeah, because this is I'm interested because I think, I
(16:15):
think goldfish is a more common pet because it's they're like
$0.25. Are they?
Yo, they're very goldfish. You're just so hard.
You deserve. They're so much more on goldfish
later. I've I've I'm a big goldfish guy
and he'll have this. I've just.
Gifted 2 goldfish. Oh my God, so this just happened
to. You the gifter was cheap.
Oh my God. Aww give me a big.
(16:37):
Tank a whole setup for it just like you did for.
Yeah, for SO. This literally happened to you?
Yeah. Is it?
Was this did you receive it withenthusiasm?
Yes. Yeah.
OK. This was a good thing for you?
For me, yes, and I think they knew that, the audience, me.
Is like the. Two of the two and from gift.
(17:00):
If I open my door and there's ananimal on the other side of it,
I'm taking that animal, sure. Yeah.
OK, that animal's living with me, OK, forever.
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.
I won't try and take the animal.Yeah, so, but yeah, but still a
responsibility like there is new, there's new routine I have
had to learn. But it's interesting that you
think it's specifically a pet, but can you think of any other
(17:21):
like nuisancey gifts that you could be given that are not a
pet? An orchid.
Yes, that's tough 'cause. You have to give an ice cube to
it a day. OK, but then I heard recently
that ice cubes are not good actually so.
The jury is actually. Out, yeah, and.
Actually, and actually, you're going to love this.
Orchids have been showing up on your doorstep, and you have just
been. Killing No, because I really, I
(17:44):
really can't. I have two plants that I'm like
that are alive. Maintenance plants.
Not even, not even. But it's like a wonder that
they're alive under my care is like what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, OK, so we know I don't have an orchid I walk into.
Kind of say this. I know this about you.
OK, thank you. And it's not something I've ever
(18:05):
said in front of you. So I walk into there's this
woman who is like a seamstress. Is that the?
Seamstress. Seamstress.
She sells in my she sells in my grandma's building and I walk in
to like get something fixed and I look over and it's just a wall
(18:26):
of orchids, a wall of them because she under like special
grow lights, whatever. Because her other gig is she
takes care of and I guess sells orchids and there's so many and
they're so beautiful or she or she collects.
I sort of made that assumption, to be honest.
I. Say that she sells them.
Yeah. My mom, I think like orchids, I
(18:46):
mean not collects like well, I mean.
But she takes good care she has.Orchids has a giant like statue
in her house. When you open the door, there's
this giant ceramic thing that looks like a huge bird bath.
OK. And at the top of what would be
the bird bath like, the basin isjust filled with orchid.
That sounds live. Orchid so.
(19:07):
Magical. Once a week, she brings a
stepladder to the bird bath, climbs up, takes each of the
orchids out, puts it out like onthe driveway, waters them, gives
them water like, let's them dry out, gets back up on the step
ladder, puts each one back in. Yeah.
Or none is so amazing. She loves orchids.
She believes. But you guys are good at that
(19:29):
kind of stuff. Fuck.
No, no, let me find out. No, I'm probably wrong because.
She said that but like I don't know my.
I'm probably wrong. Let's call my mom right now.
And I'm going to call my seamstress.
I don't have her phone number. I have to call my mom and she'll
call her and she'll conference her in now, right?
Now everybody's mom is coming onthe.
(19:52):
Seamstress, please. That sounds beautiful.
It sounds like your mom knows how to make a dramatic.
Oh yeah. Dramatic bird baths.
Happen. Absolutely.
You open the front door and that's the first thing you see.
I can't even imagine that being indoors.
No, she's always like, isn't it gorgeous?
She's so amazing. I love her.
(20:13):
She sounds love her. I love her.
I would love to open this. Up, yeah, but.
Totally, before we go too much further and we start talking
about. Something OK, and I will open
this, Yeah. But then I have two things to
say. OK.
Do you want to say them one before 1 After.
Nah. Nah, Oh my God.
Wow, just. Kidding.
(20:34):
Will you read it out loud for us?
Yeah, giving a pet as a gift. Giving a pet as a gift I.
Got it. OK.
And all my two things that I'm allowed to say, yeah, but
everybody said I could you. Could say more OK.
I did know that about the fish and I forgot that that happened
and I did and I did forget and and now I sort of feel like a
piece of shit for putting you onblast like that.
(20:57):
But but I actually think you're right.
Like it really is know your audience because with you, you
will take care of a fish and it won't be like a big deal.
When I was a kid, I went with like an old, what was she like?
My daycare teacher, I was best friends with her kid, and she
was buying a fish. And she also bought me a fish.
(21:18):
And so I came home with like, a tank and a fish and whatever.
And my mom was pissed. She was like, what the hell?
And I think about it. I'm like, yeah, like, imagine
giving someone a kitten. And that's why I didn't say
birthday. I said graduation.
I was like, the party's inconsequential, the type of
party, because I think giving somebody a gift, you either
(21:42):
really have to know what you're doing.
Totally. Or you're crazy for doing that.
Have you ever been gifted an animal?
No, but I've done it. You've done it.
Tell me who? What, where, when, Why?
Emotions. Space work, Yeah.
And how did it go? So I orchestrated this big thing
my my ex-boyfriend was gonna meet my parents for the first
(22:04):
time. So we both flew to Minnesota to
meet my parents. My parents live on a farm.
OK and. Animals live on farms, OK?
Way since when? And we're driving, we're driving
and driving out in the middle ofnowhere and we stop at this
other farm and he's like, Oh my gosh, where are we?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then this like little puppy
(22:25):
comes running up to the car and he's like, oh, this little
puppy's so cute. And we were with a friend of
mine and she was like, I just have to stop at my aunt and
uncle's or whatever on the way to the out to the farm.
And he's like, you're so cute. I want a puppy so bad.
And I want to name him Wasabi. And then I was just like,
surprised That's your dog. I already got it.
(22:46):
And so he found the puppy right away.
And that was the one that I had already picked up for him.
And he loved it forever, but it was a gamble.
Really. So I surprised my ex-boyfriend
with a dog that he has to this day.
He loves the dog so. Much the dog's name Wasabi.
The dog's name is Wasabi. Yeah, that's.
What a hard. Frog.
That worked out, But I was like,I hope this works.
(23:06):
And then he was like, how are wegoing to get this thing back to
Texas? Because it was, like, way too
young to fly. Yeah.
And we had to like, we paid a vet to like lie about its age so
we could get it under the plane.How'd you get the you what you
like told the vet you were like just do?
It. Yeah, and.
I was like. You need nine years of medical.
(23:26):
School. And they're like, yeah, yeah,
OK. You need to say it's over like
20 weeks old or something and he's like, this is an 8 week old
dog. But I was like, well, he can't
get on the plane. He's gonna be left at the
airport, right, If you don't sayhe's 21 weeks old or whatever.
Yeah. And she was like, OK.
Whatever hasn't. Well, and this is your gift.
I think the like, we'll figure it out when it's fine, it'll be
(23:48):
fine. And then it's like it's fine
and. Then it turns out.
This is your this is your gift. Wow.
That's your gift. That's Yeah, no that.
Love that everything works out for me, it is really beautiful.
Yeah. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah, we guys aren't together
anymore. It's true, yeah, but that's not
that's some time. With friends, yeah.
It worked out. Yeah, There you go.
(24:09):
Do you get to see wasabi? I do, yeah.
My sister babysits Wasabi all the.
Time. Oh, that's cute.
Does. She still live in Texas, Yeah.
She's cute. Cute.
Yeah, I did something sweet. Yeah.
In 2017 I think. That's very sweet.
I never gotten, I don't think I've ever been gifted pets
(24:30):
before, but I've for sure one pets like, you know, the the
goldfish, Yeah. You won.
And I've I've taken home like class pets, like like when this
is any this is this is straight out of like Lewis Sacker, But
but the the hamster had babies and we got we got to take home
the babies. No way there's like they like
our 4th grade teacher auctioned off little baby hamsters.
(24:51):
It's like it's, I think a fourthgrade teacher brought capitalism
in. Yeah, I like the fact that it
was unknown. Yeah, it's auction.
It's gonna be alertable remedies.
Yeah. It was, I mean it was to make
sure, you know, the hamster wentto a good home and stuff, but.
Well, how did that go? Did you, hamster?
Yeah, you've did. You give it a good home.
Yeah, I gave it a good home. I got a good home so.
(25:12):
Got a good home? I found out that hamsters are
nocturnal. They're nocturnal.
Yeah, they're so he was like sleeping in his like piss
covered sawdust. I should clean the tank but he
just peed on it. All the time.
He was just like hang out in like moist sawdust all day.
Like I'm a little kid. I go to bed at 7:30 or probably
7:30, maybe a little later than that, 7:30.
(25:33):
And then he would just get up and get on his wheel and he
would just prank that wheel likethe night is young.
It would just be this like a little like wait.
Wait, wait, wait. So like not white noise?
No no no no. Like even even my 9 year old
self at some points would be like shut up Peaches.
Oh. My God, Peaches.
(25:54):
Peaches. Is cute, I mean.
So what? What prompted you bringing this
to us? I just was thinking I was like,
OK, I want this to be different than the other cases that I've
done and I don't know why I was.The first judge.
I just don't know why I was thinking about that today
because it just to me, I'm like,it's such a big, you do know
(26:18):
what it is. It's because I today met the dog
that I think I'm going to go pick up on Saturday and so maybe
that. Animal along the mind.
Yeah. And maybe it's like the anxiety
of like, am I going to do a goodjob?
Am I going to like take care of this animal?
And then it's like to to surprise somebody with the
responsibility of. Right.
Yeah, it's a burden. Yeah, then it's like, Oh my God,
(26:41):
because I've had to. I found out that I'm picking
this dog up two days earlier than I thought.
And immediately I was like, OK, OK, so I need I need, I need to
buy this. I need to OK.
Oh, my God. There's gonna be two hours that
I need to go somewhere. Oh, my God.
Who's gonna like, I'm driving myself insane.
(27:01):
What if she doesn't like the food that I got?
Like. Imagine if you're picking up a
goldfish, I mean. I know, I guess it's easier if
it's a goldfish, but this, because this happened in my
childhood and my mom loves to tell this story, loves to tell
this story. And then she tells the story of
like, because I did not take care of the fish.
It's Yeah, my mom. I was kind of sensing that for
(27:22):
me it's like, yeah, because whenyou're that young, it kind of
becomes the parents response. I'm like.
Fine. I'm like, oh, really?
Like, I don't know. She's like, yeah, Danielle
didn't look at that fish one time.
I'm sure that's true. And then I think too much.
I think like one day I was like,where did it go?
Like, I think like that's. And then maybe it had been a
(27:42):
while. You know what I mean?
Yeah. So yeah.
That's what brought it on your mind?
Yeah. Well.
Do you? So you are you are you like
anxious about gifting yourself this dog?
No, I actually. Get mad at somebody about it,
maybe. No, no, I think that that will
all be OK. I just like my mom loves that
story of when I was a kid of like somebody else bringing this
(28:05):
into hmm, our like parents. Life yeah parents love hoarding
things over kids heads. Ohh.
Yes, forever. Ohh, it's.
Really great George 5. Like I was fine I'm.
Old and shiny and I wanted it. Yeah, she said.
Do you want one? I said.
Yeah, sure, I'm sure. I don't remember.
I once went to a birthday as a kid where the goodie bags no
(28:28):
were turtles. No turtles live a long time.
That seems like an exotic. Pet.
It was in like a little. It was like little turtles.
Do was it a water turtle or likea sand rock rock turtle?
Oh, that's. Rock Turtle Rock.
Rock. Because if it's a water turtle,
you can let it go in a pond. I couldn't let it go.
(28:50):
Yeah, OK. And it stunk up my thing really
quickly. But I've always loved animals,
and so I wanted so much to figure out how.
And I don't. I'm not.
It's all blurry but I remember that was the goody bag.
Did it live long? I don't remember, I was in
kindergarten. Probably not.
That long? Wow, we're giving kindergarten's
garden gardeners turtles in thisworld.
(29:10):
That's like also like a specialized pet like I feel like
you have to have. Vegetables and.
Where are those and? Where are those?
I've never seen one. God, I don't know which is this
is. This was before Google.
This is before Google this. Is before Google.
OK, give me some. Oh, that's fine, they can.
Figure it out so you have a fishnow.
Two and it's. I started with three.
(29:32):
So you don't I'm I'm a big old. Guy, tell me more about that.
You can't use tap water here. OK, I was.
Given I've killed a fish with California tap, I moved from
Pacific Northwest. Beautiful tap water, just no no
no gushing out of the faucets. And then I moved to San Diego
and first time I refilled my tank with tap water.
But I was given a thing like drops to put in it with the tap
(29:55):
water. Is that OK?
They're still alive. Well, one of them's not.
I know I used to use like filtered water from my fridge.
Or you could go like buy. I have filtered water.
Yeah, I did use filtered water, Brita.
Yeah. It could.
I live in a Brita. In the new conditions, you know
you. Can't.
You can't do top water because it's bad.
It's gross. I think it's too much metal.
(30:17):
Why are we drinking that I don'thave to eat.
That maybe it's like. Maybe you're like.
Drinking unfiltered. Oh, you're talking from the top.
You're saying from the top? Yeah, I drink from the top and I
think it's fine. You, you.
Yeah. We're judging you.
You. I drink.
From the house I once got gatekeeps from buying a goldfish
which is like the opposite. What does it mean?
I was gatekeeps by a 19 year oldPetco employee.
(30:39):
They said no. Yeah, actually.
So the goldfish that died, they tried to they tried.
She tried. Why?
So the goldfish that died from California tap water?
Yeah, I've always had like 2 goldfish and one-on-one dies I
get another one. You currently have two Yeah.
Whoa. Did you know that?
I did, yeah. I was waiting for it to come up.
It's being like a buddy. I like I've had them.
I've had two for a long. I think this current duo is
(31:03):
Walter and Graebert. Those are good names.
I think you're going to say Walter and Cronkite.
No, Walter. Missed opportunity missed.
Opportunity. Actually, no.
But Graebert, I went to go pick up Graebert at Petco and you
know, like there's like a big fish.
It's just there's tons of them in there.
Yeah, they're literally 19 cents25 for their organic ones, but
(31:24):
they're like small little fish. So like, the return on
investment on a fish is incredible.
Uh huh. There's no way.
That like like Walter is probably 7 or 8 years right now.
So like 20? 50 I see.
That's over 28 years. Like how are you getting money
out of this fish? Joy, Joy.
Danielle, I'm. Gonna try get 50 fish.
(31:46):
How? Are you kidding?
The return on your There's no money in this machine.
What? The way goldfish are just
filling up your Roth IRA just. Don't look at it for 60 years
and. Then Oh yeah, no, that makes
sense 'cause when I spend my money I'm happier.
(32:06):
Always. Always.
Nothing makes me happier than spending as much money as.
More boxes with smiles on them. Wait, so then what happened?
So you were at the Petco? And the Petco And this little
pimple wearing a blue polo shirt, was that too harsh?
I had some. No, I hate her.
Yeah. She's wait till you hear that.
So she I was like, hey cuz you have to go like tell them to get
(32:28):
the little net out and do whatever And I was like, yeah, I
just need one goldfish. And she was like, what are you
going to do with it? I.
Was like shut up. And I was like, oh, she I was
like, I have a tank at home. She goes how big?
And I was like, it's like, I think it's I don't even know.
I think it's like 5. I was like 5 gallons and she
goes, they should really be in 10.
And I was like, OK. And then she was and then I was
(32:50):
like, well, I've had this tank for a while, you know, like it's
this fish is replacing a perfectly happy fish who died
from the California tap water most tragically.
And she was like, you know, likeif you can overfeed them and
their and their stomachs will explode.
And I literally was like, are you gonna sell me this fish?
And she just like gets in a little huff and gets out the bag
(33:10):
and like puts it. But she like.
So you got it. Yay.
Yeah, I got it, OK. Now she was like cents 19.
Cents that's. Your.
Fish that you have now, Yeah, great.
So it's been a long around for awhile.
Four years. 3-4 Wow, good for you 4 year old.
Yeah, good job. Wow, I hope my fish live that
long. Yeah, they will, Yeah.
They're. Two months old.
(33:31):
OK for now too. Soon to tell, but I bet they
will. Thank you.
Yes. I believe in you.
Thank you. I named them Haley after my dog
Haley. Haley.
Come. Here everybody's name is.
Haley and they're all like. They, like, don't know who to
respond to. Everybody's like, Huh?
I one time. So funny, I didn't know that.
(33:55):
After Joel Osmond. A Baldwin Bieber.
OK. Oh yes.
I was at Baldwin Beamer and I was like, this is a card
dealership. Oh, they're good.
That's a very good couple. That's.
Good Baldwin Biebers. Yeah.
Are they good? Yeah.
I think they're should we get them on the phone?
Yeah, and our moms, please, and our moms and my get them all,
(34:21):
get them all on the horn. Yeah, I think.
I guess you have to know the person that gets my goldfish.
Yeah, that's. Like like it's known you, you
would be a safe person to give me goldfish.
Too. Give me goldfish.
I think you would be too. You'd be nervous about it seems
like. Yeah, I think I'd do a good job,
but I'd be like, Oh my God, there's a lot to think about.
Yeah, I think we need to crank up the stakes a little bit.
(34:43):
I think when it says pet we don't mean just goldfish.
You're right, dog I. You're right, and both.
Are the dice on a whole dog? Yeah.
That's a OK. One, let's make it big dice
roll. Let's make it a horse.
Let's make it a horse. Let's make it.
A horse. This is a financial burden.
That's what I'm saying you've seen.
There's money in horses. Yeah, we are.
We are good friends, like whatever.
(35:07):
And I go, I know you're going off to college.
Big surprise. I got you a horse.
And where will the horse live? Figure it out.
Yeah. So for me I.
Didn't I'm not getting you a stable?
Yeah, I just got you a horse. Because you can't afford that
you you spent I. Spent all 60. $1000 on horse.
For my girl, Anything for my girl.
Would you get the accoutrements for it?
(35:30):
Stabling. Yeah, absolutely not.
I would not. I I am so allergic to horses
that I will go into show. Really.
I'm I'm, I'm like scared of. The I'm scared of them too.
I would I would find a way. Yeah, you would.
Of course you would, yeah. And then I'd put my forehead to
the horse's forehead and I'd saytell me everything.
Yeah, I think you. Have the I think you have the
best heart of the four of us. Yeah, it also.
(35:50):
Can be Jasmine is a. Pure, pure soul.
Animals. Shut up.
I'm I'm. You you won't hold the elevator.
For all the people, wait, I wantto hear about that.
Wait in my car. Do it because I thought it was
puzzle because Jasmine. The animal is in that elevator.
That's true. You are getting running.
And that's funny because Jasminetold me the case, but not which
(36:12):
side you were. On yeah that I get too much
anxiety to have to do small so. You say door closed.
Don't do door closed. But you don't do door open.
I don't, I do don't enter. I don't enter.
You don't enter when you're. When you're coming to that, you
go. Don't hold it for.
Me. Yeah, go.
I'll get the next one, OK, and Irespect that.
(36:32):
Yeah, and I love that and I think it's awesome.
And I'm never gonna ride in an elevator with another person
again. You will never share an elevator
with my ass. Ever.
That's a friend. That's a.
Friend, now that I know. But now I will I will release a
nearby animal into the elevator with you and then walk away.
(36:54):
And you tell me a laugh happy joke.
Yeah, that's. True.
What if it's a? Snake.
As a gift. Yeah.
Is it a friendly snake? You just name the two scariest
animals, horses and snakes. Isn't they, they live till
they're like 1000 snakes, Not actually, but like, but like,
yeah. Turtles.
They they live long snakes. And parrots too.
(37:15):
Parrots are a big thing. Well, parrots is even harder
because they imprint on you and then they will never.
If you get a parrot as like a little as like a little chick
and it sees you, yeah, it will never like a person that's not
you. Wait, they only like?
You they only like one person because they're like a naturally
monogamous animal or. Something like that stress.
(37:38):
Is that what they say when they say baby birding?
It's just imprinting. It's imprints on like one
person. I've seen it happen.
I had a friend who's you've watched an imprint.
I've watched. Well, I've seen.
I've seen Avatar but I haven't seen Word Imprint.
And Twilight, I'm sure. I had a friend with a blue
macaw. Weird imprint.
And it hated everyone except formy friend's mom.
(38:01):
It decided that that was mom. It's partner, person, mother,
whatever and everyone else wouldget too close to his mom and the
bird would like swoop at them. No including her kids.
It was incredibly jealous an. Indoor swooping bird.
Yes, that's horror. That's that's it's.
Macaw. OK.
I heard about a neighborhood where there was somebody who
(38:23):
wanted to gift the crows becausehe knew you can form a
relationship with a crow. And so this person would, like,
get little, little food for themor leave little gifts for them.
And so the crows in the neighborhood very much loved
this one person to the point that if a neighbor was talking
to this person, the crows would come and, like, attack.
And so they had to make it a rule that everybody in the
(38:45):
neighborhood had to be nice to the crows.
And then the crows like expandedtheir neck.
That's terrifying. Honestly, I love the end of that
story. Yeah, I would love to have a
murder of crows protecting me atall.
Times protecting you. Crows are really smart.
Yeah, they have an economy, are they?
Oh, tell me, what the crows? Say they do calculus, but they
have an economy too. All chagrins that these crows
(39:08):
have. What the hell?
They invest in stocks. They.
Have their own stock market, they're all.
Phi major, I bet all. Crows can grow seeds and grow
more food maybe. Yeah, and they have the
Internet. I like that.
That's so crazy. So crazy.
Yeah, I think crows are also menaces, I feel like.
(39:31):
Yeah. But like, good ones.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, making.
That would be That's the next Marvel superheroes crow.
Do they don't have a crow? There's the crow.
The Crow. And then there's Russell Crowe
and. There's Russell Crowe.
Yeah, and there's this role Rachel Crow vino that's from
college and with their. Hollywood representation.
(39:51):
That's it. It's.
So bad. It's not so under
representation, they're underwrite that's they're under
represented. They're gonna start doing union
talks about it, actually, yeah. Because they're gonna have to.
You're gonna have to include a crow in a lot of movies.
Yeah. Yeah, crows are not being given
up as gifts. I don't think so.
No. And that that should have been
on that piece of paper. That's actually.
What's wrong is that crows aren't being given as.
(40:13):
Gift and I'm pissed. Because they are so loyal.
So pissed off about it. OK, So what do we do about these
people who give pets as gift? Yeah, can you give a pet as a
hate gift? Like, I guess, I guess we're
doing two things right. We're celebrating them if
they're smart about it and kind because you're being kind of the
(40:35):
animal if you're giving as a gift to somebody who will
appreciate it. So in that case, they get a
crown. But if you give a gift sort of
randomly and it feels irresponsible and perhaps your
mommy is stuck with, you know, shouldering the burden, maybe
then they get 4 of whatever theygifted.
(40:58):
Yeah, and it costs four times the amount of whatever. 4.
Or so one. Dollar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So if I show up to your birthday.
Yeah, I give you a fish? Yeah, you're seven.
You don't want the fish or you just don't?
Yeah, whatever. Yeah, it's a bad gift.
I then have to buy 4 fishes. And four tanks.
(41:19):
And four tanks. Yeah, and four things of food.
Each one will be $1.00 instead of $0.25.
Yeah. Because they cost. 4.
Dollars and and. You're gonna get a hard time
tariffs every single one, and every single tank is gonna be a
10 gallon tank. Whoa.
It's gonna be a 40 gallon tank. That is 4 tank or 140 gallon
tank is fine. Which would be acceptable from
(41:40):
the gatekeepers at Petco. They would, yeah, subscribe to
that tank size. Or and I'm I'm also fine with it
and you could tell them that I said that.
OK, that feels fair. Yeah, I was thinking what if,
what if the person who gave the gift, I I give a bad gift, Now I
have to be given as a gift to someone or.
Something you have to be given. As a gift.
(42:00):
You're the gift, I. I have to be the gift at that
point, right? To like an alien or.
Like a. And you know what?
What else has to be a part of that?
Those like, reveal videos where they put a puppy in a box.
Yeah, you're in a box. I'm in the box, I'm in the.
Box I'm in the. Top Yeah, I was going to say I'm
giving being given to a murder of crows as a gift at that
point. Wait, OK, but they're.
(42:22):
They're gonna. They can.
Well, it depends. They could take very good care
of you. We just don't know what's gonna
happen. Exactly.
It's so uncertain. That's really good.
That's really good. Care of you well.
What if it's an alien? Here's hoping we don't know.
They might just probe. They might just probe and throw
me out. They might probe Oh.
I hope they probe. Of course they'll.
Probe. Wait, should we ask Katy Perry?
(42:45):
Yes, she's seen now. She came back singing though, so
I came back. From the Daisy.
She sing to the aliens, yeah. What a wonderful world.
Jasmine, do you have a punishment for these people?
OK. I agree with Danielle that if
it's like well-intentioned and you know your audience, then
(43:05):
you're just like, that's fine. Yeah, and I think no white
elephants either. That's 'cause that's just like
you're just passing official. Irresponsible.
If you're being responsible, yeah, then it's cool.
OK, I think that if you give an animal as a gift to a person who
like didn't want it, doesn't want it, isn't ready for it, you
(43:26):
then have to be the person to like either pick up the dog poop
or you have to be the person wholike comes in twice a day to
feed the fish. So you become indentured to that
other person, Yes. OK, that's.
What? I'm paid to pick up servants.
No, you're. Not right, right, right island.
(43:52):
What? Yeah, you, you become
responsible for the responsibilities, yes.
Yeah. Yeah, I would be fine with that,
yeah. It sounds pretty good, yeah.
Graham, do you have anything other ones off the top of your
head? You've covered a lot of
potential punishments here. No, I, I think, I think, I mean,
yeah, I, I think we've covered it all pretty well.
I would only, I would maybe justoffer one little punishment
(44:13):
where cuz as you know, I like a personal embarrassment.
Yes, it's very fun. I think.
I think if you commit a crime, you should have to feel the, the
shame if you're ashamed for it. So I think just one night in the
goldfish bowl for you. Where everybody's looking at
you, Yeah. It's like it's part of the
party. And you don't drown.
Yeah, you don't drown, but you also can't talk or communicate
(44:34):
because. You're just in it.
Yeah, you. Just are you naked in it and.
People can feed you. I think you are.
Because embarrassing. That's so embarrassing.
Everybody's looking at you, my body, and you can't talk.
It's like like frozen peas. Frozen peas is good so well,
it's. Pretty cool, you sound nice.
Like not even thawed peas. Yeah, frozen peas.
And I even like peas. Yeah, but don't.
But not like that. Not like.
(44:59):
I think we all agree. Not like that.
Not like. That.
So I think we pretty much unanimously agree it's a gamble
if you give a pet as a gift, andyou probably just shouldn't.
Just in case. Just in case or or you really
gotta be sure. Yeah, and and you have to bring
(45:19):
the housing too. Yeah, just give a fish in a bag
and be like have fun. Right.
Like that's the, that's the. Hope you have some old.
City bottles, that's the major part.
It's like a house stuff, yeah. And I think it's, I think we
came up with four really good punishments.
And I think it's up to the person who got the gift which
punishment. That's nice that they have all
that's. Nice yeah, cuz we don't hate
them yeah they. Right.
It could go make it in a goldfish bowl to, you know,
(45:42):
being given to aliens. Buy yeah buying 4 * 4 fish.
There's so many options, there'sso many.
Options. Wow.
Yeah, that's right. We're all wearing wigs.
We don't have gavels. Oh my.
Goodness. Do you have anything that you'd
like to plug? Girls Night.
I want to plug a stand up show that I do once a month every
(46:06):
first Monday of the month at thegood night called like comedy or
whatever. Like comedy or whatever.
Yeah, good night, Mondays. That's right.
On Instagram we are at like comedy or whatever.
That's nice. So excellent.
Check them. Out.
Thank you. That's all.
Case closed. Case closed.
Yay, we can share one. Gavel with me.
(46:26):
Yeah, here. Wait, I'll do this two.
Snacks. No, we have to go here.
Oh, we do OK. 2 ready. Ready.
That's. The best we've ever done it.
This is premeditated.
The same color except all over. I think it's going to be I.
Love all the texture. Color all over.
Not yellow, no, no. You don't know, Kiss Yellow, you
still like this? More I.
Love. Piss yellow.
Wait. You know what this all over like
the light is? Blonde.
Yeah, like the blonde, but the blonde.
In time, Silver. Yeah.
(00:21):
Yeah. That's it's cool.
It's gonna be cool now. Yeah, it'll be cool.
I need. It'll be cool, Lizzie, because
it's on you. It will.
Be because it helps with the difference.
It will be cool. Lizzie's going to pull it off
and you're going to be eating poop in your hands.
Oh my gosh, you're not. With my hands.
Hands you'll be eating poop. That's sucks.
I'm going to do. This.
(00:46):
Terrible. And it's.
My jokes. You guys are in trouble.
And. I am in trouble for sure.
This is premeditated. The podcast investigating
society's unwritten laws and theheinous ways they're broken.
True crime, low stakes. I'm Neil, I'm Graham and this.
(01:08):
Is premeditated, ladies and gentlemen, premeditated.
Is back again. We have the most people we've
ever had on the premeditated couch at one time.
We call the Titanic. We're going down.
(01:32):
It's premeditated. Iceberg.
Edition. Iceberg Edition Edition Edition
Edition. Edition Edition brought to us by
Girls Night. Oh my God, we've got Danielle
Schwartzman, Jasmine Ellis and Lizzie Mcgroder.
Oh amazing. So they're making a.
(01:55):
Little. Judah 3DR3 DRI.
Would say that's 4 dimensional chess playing A3 dimensional.
That's right. Women in STEM.
That's us. That's us, yeah.
We're science. Yeah.
We're going to space. Yeah.
Are you going? To sing It's a wonderful world,
yeah. Katies your favorite Katie, it's
(02:17):
a. Wonder.
Where'd you guys go in space? Would you just?
I wouldn't go. Infinite frontier or.
Would we? There's no fucking.
Lane No, I'm not. I'm not leaving this planet.
Ever. We've never talked about this.
That's so interesting in that death capsule.
(02:39):
I'm not going up I. Don't want to go?
Yeah, OK. You have.
A problem with people who care face.
I'm not gonna make them. Go.
I mean, it's true. I mean, Jasmine, you said you
don't like being going up in an elevator with somebody.
Go up in a spaceship. Obviously I'm not going in a
spaceship, but I do feel like I would have more to talk about in
the spaceship than I do in another.
Not if you're with Katy Perry and Jeff.
(03:01):
But with Katy, with whoever I'd be like, what do you guys think
it's gonna be like? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.
It's you do have at least at least like 90 seconds of small
talk. Yeah.
To. Basically get.
Work, yeah. Yeah, but unfortunately I think
it takes hours. So to get up to get up there,
but I thought theirs was just a 12 minute journey once.
It is, yeah. She's.
Just 12 minutes totally or is it?
(03:21):
They were in space. There was 12 minutes from start
to finish. Isn't.
That crazy? That is crazy.
Wow. Yeah, that is true.
A lot out of that experience. She was 12 minutes.
Yeah, you're right. Like what are we doing?
Millions and millions is everyone.
OK, famous. People, we said it's Katy Perry.
There was Oprah's best friend, GAIL.
Yeah, GAIL, GAIL looked unhappy.She looked absolutely over it.
(03:42):
But she was like, it was so wonderful.
We were begging Katie to sing. Yeah, begging harder saying.
And then she sang It's a Wonderful World, which is so
classy that she didn't do her own song.
It's like, OK, yeah, great. Can I say it's?
Social faux pas? Yes.
I've I met Jeff Bezos. Oh, I need that.
She's really nice. Was she nice?
(04:03):
Whoa. Well.
And we hate him. We hate him.
I know, but what did? She say that.
Was one of my. Girlfriend, she complimented me
on my shoes and I was like, they're from Amazon.
She's like, girl, we have to tell Jeff and then Jeff.
Did you tell Jeff? She's like Jeff.
She's like Jeff. And I will say this, he was
really nice too, what he said. Well, he said, good girl, what
(04:26):
is? There not to be nice about you
bought something from Amazon. They've easily just been like,
like, like, OK, OK, but he was like, hey, what do you do?
Like, he was really nice. We hate him billions.
We hate billionaires and he was really nice shit.
Yeah. Hey, guys, You wanna eat them?
But they're just, they're just so endearing.
Yeah. Did you?
Did you know it was she before you talked to her?
(04:47):
Yeah, we're out there the. Amazon has a little bit of like
a name drop. Yes, Yeah, yeah, that's.
You were at their house. You're wow.
Where is their house? It's a whole.
It's a whole block in the Beverly Hills, it's a whole
block. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a whole block.
Local houses. No, it's just one and it's like
an estate that takes the whole thing.
(05:08):
Oh God, I. Don't know man.
Guys past life. You seem not sold it.
Makes me. Exhausted.
I don't no, no and I'm not saying anything.
I'm not saying any no and I hateit and she's.
Not doing anything. And Emison, I got 2 deliveries
this week, do you know what I mean?
From the Big A. Yeah, I'm not happy I'm
(05:30):
returning one of them. OK.
Was it a poor product or do you just not like Amazon?
It was gloves. So they got to go.
I got them in two different colors and I and sorry I knew
from the beginning I was only going to keep one.
I only need one color and I'm keeping the lighter 1 and I
wasn't sure if it was going to be the lighter one or the darker
one. It's the lighter one.
(05:50):
Fast, fast. That's right, that's right,
that's right. I only need them for one night
only. I'm sticking a bunch of nails on
them. I just can't spend fucking money
like that, OK? Yeah, not.
In this economy. That's what I'm saying.
No, no, that's what I'm saying we're.
All doing. We're all doing the best we can.
Thank you. Everyone stick nails and one
pair of gloves and. Yes.
(06:10):
Thank you so much for understanding.
OK. I feel a lot better now.
Yeah. Speaking of doing the best we
can, yeah, Yeah. I think Danielle here has been
doing the best she can in another way.
Thank you. Say that.
What are you referring to You? Brought a case file.
Oh yeah. In the dossier.
In the dossier. Away from home.
(06:32):
I've been dragging it on my back.
Ohh Damn, that feels good. Ohh good.
Yeah, that's nice. Thank you.
That feels nice. I'm glad that Jasmine can
alleviate some of the back pain from carrying around the weight
of this social faux pas. Oh my.
God, I'm so curious just about it.
(06:52):
Do you want to tell us anything about it without giving it away?
You kind of ask, is this one that your?
Is this one of your mom's? No, I I thought of it by myself.
She's. A big girl.
She orders off of Amazon. By myself, But I will say my mom
really wants to come on this podcast, I said that privately
announced. We should.
(07:14):
Have She's down. Your mom on this?
All of our moms, that's so. Funny.
Just so funny. We have Girls night and then we
have all of. Girls nights yeah, we're going
to break our. Own record, We're all on this
couch. Women's evening, Yeah.
That's so. Good.
And then we make them improvise our moms.
(07:35):
You guys should. Do that I think our.
Moms on the podcast. Yeah, that's funny.
We could have our moms hosted, yeah.
That's funny. I'm obsessed.
I'm obsessed. It's coming.
It's coming. Oh yeah.
Get them in. It might be too fast.
You can't start a Patreon that fast.
We need to get this behind a paywall or something.
(07:57):
That's the. Truth.
You're right, you're right. You're.
Getting ahead of myself, you're right, you're right.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I think we need to crack this case up, Yeah.
Clash of 2025 Chelsea. You did it.
(08:17):
Guys, we did it well. Guys, no, I didn't make it,
Theresa. Well, and that's OK because we
all, you know, after high schoolwe all went to different
schools. And so like coming to your
party, Chelsea is. Just like it's a big deal.
I know, Emma. I know you studied so hard,
guys. I'm going to.
Pepperdine. That's so.
Major to get your masters while I'll be repeating freshman year
(08:38):
again because freshman. Year of high school.
They make you start right away back.
Yep, Teresa, that's like really sad.
Teresa, do not get down on yourself.
You're so amazing and. Get down on myself because I'm
going to be 35 by the time. Again, that amazing.
OK, well I'm going to let you feel your feelings.
I'm not going to tell you to do,but I wouldn't.
I wouldn't see you as any other than my best friend.
(08:59):
Thank you. I guess while I was trying to
become a bedazzling major, they faced me in the eyes senior year
and they said, excuse me, that'snot a major.
Well. It's not a major.
Well, I thought I could make it.What's the?
Point you forget, but if it wasn't attached to but girls,
girls, girls. I hate it when my girls fight
this. Is my party guys that's right
(09:20):
we're. Celebrating and actually, I know
that you kind of were like, I don't need a gift, but I did get
you a little. Emma, you shouldn't have.
I didn't do that. I thought we said we weren't
getting anyone gifts. I know.
But I just, I really thought like, OK, my girl is going to be
a Pepperdine. Yeah.
A Pepperdine patriot. I I wish I thought of that.
(09:45):
God, is that what they call you?No, it's their.
It's it's their mascot. Oh, the Patriot.
Yeah. Is that?
True. So emblematic of America.
Oh yeah, Emma, it's. True.
That's so major that you're going to be just like a
patriotic patriot of these United States.
For the next 49ers. Oh my God, I heard that.
Pepperdine has a tradition wheresomeone dresses as Paul Revere
(10:06):
and said the British are coming the British.
Yeah, it's going to be me. You have so much fun ahead of
you coming I. Know Thanks Emma.
So you got me a gift. Well, I just figured like for
such like a momentous life changing occasions such as
graduating and moving on to the next stage of life, you need
sort of like something that's gonna signify a major life
(10:29):
shift. So you bought me a car?
OK. You bought her a car?
Go. You got me a car.
It's not a car. Thank God.
You know, I feel like it's goingto be really disappointed.
You get her like a card or something small that like she
probably will be more annoyed athaving to like carry around for
a while so then she'll be grateful that I didn't get her
(10:51):
anything probably. It's actually that's an
interesting way to put it. That's an interesting because
that is an element of it. But I would.
I would say. It's a It's a little more work
than a card. I must spill the beans, I'm
getting tired. You are so fired up today, my
little superstar. OK, I I brought it in a bunch of
(11:12):
different components. OK, so this one is.
What is it like a Chili Bowl station?
Imagine, I figure, a Chili Bowl station.
Yeah, it comes. In a bunch.
Of different components. So have you ever thought about
pursuing comedy? You don't have to go to college
(11:33):
for that. You.
Don't think I get to do that. I think you can just do it even
though a lot of people go to college.
No, I. Think I'm gonna.
I think I'm gonna. Waste some money 1st and then
and then probably see if we can.Pepperdine has an improv team,
so I'm basically have a fast track to Hollywood, she said.
I'm gonna be a comedian, not you.
Girls. Girls, girls, there's a room at
(11:54):
the top for all of us, OK? So what is it if it's not a
chilly station? OK, I'll pull them out one by
one. OK first, and this might give it
away. It's a big bag of little
pebbles. All right, next gift do you
like? Confused, is it aquarium?
That's right, Teresa, it's a nice one is a big glass box.
(12:16):
I'm a team. What am I supposed?
And then finally, a little bag full of water and your gift.
Is it a is it a fucking goldfish?
You're gonna have to deal with the goldfish for the ocean of
your life. I leave for Turkey in a few
weeks before Pepperdine. Oh well, you should.
Figure out somebody to watch. I can't take it.
You can't give a pet as a gift. Well, I did do.
(12:39):
That I was feeling pretty happy that I decided not to get you a
gift. Yeah, actually I am Emma,
You're. Out.
No. Yeah, no.
Crystal, you're you're in. Why?
I thought I did something amazing.
Hey, you know what? I was forget.
You know what, Chelsea? You're out.
I know. I'm not even gonna stop you.
My girls have turned against me.No.
You're out. I'm in, you're in.
(13:02):
I'm in, you're out. I'm out, I'm out.
Am I in? And I'm in.
Am I in? I'm out.
You're out, you're out. You're both and I'm in and I'm.
Out. Don't lie you're.
I lied. I'm not going to Pepperdine
Chelsea. Yeah, no, I didn't get in.
Stop. Are you going anywhere?
I'm going to I'm going to ASU. That's the party.
(13:26):
Central, I know, and I didn't even get in, so I'm just going
to show up and hope that they don't say.
Anything. I bet it'll be fine.
Thanks, Emma. Yeah, guys, can we squash this
beef? Yeah, I'm.
Begging you, I'll take the fish with me to Turkey.
I can. Watch it while you're in Turkey.
Thanks, Emma. Yeah, you're welcome.
And maybe we can name the fish. Best friends, yeah.
(13:47):
Let's name our one goldfish bestfriends 3/2. 1.
Best friends. That was quite wow.
The dramatic improv, improvised reenactment, Yes, all rise for
(14:08):
their Honorable girls night. I say we're rising.
He's missing. So Danielle, you brought that to
us. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you and thank you and for.That and you're welcome.
And by the way, thank you, Daniel.
Thank you for bringing that. And you're welcome and thank
you. Yeah, yeah.
You're welcome. Thank you.
Yeah. And you're and you're welcome
and thank you. Yes, yeah.
That's good etiquette. Yes, that's good.
(14:29):
You're welcome and thank you, everybody.
Yeah, yeah. Please and thank yous, peas and
teas. I think I have a pretty good
idea what this one. Is I?
I do too, I think. I think that it's pretty clear.
Well. Acted.
Bar portrayed, I feel pretty clear on it.
Do you wanna start? Me.
Yeah, about what you think it could be.
(14:50):
OK, I think it is around the world of being gifted something
that becomes like a responsibility or a nuisance.
Not necessarily a chili station.Yeah.
Which could be pretty nice. Dying to be gifted Chili station
and it. Almost never happened it.
Almost never happened. Almost never.
(15:11):
It's any of those things you have to like piece.
Together through gifts like you get the crockpot one birthday,
then Christmas you get the cheese topping or the whole
thing. And a bunch of beans.
That's a bad birthday. Oh, it's that year.
It's the just the beans here. And they have to stay for a
whole year and can't even. Use.
(15:31):
Yeah, they have to stay. It's the.
Last. No, the last one has to be the
cheese. Ohh yeah, stuff that goes.
Right the. Perishables one.
Has to be green. The perishables.
Lime goes on top. Lime gets.
Yeah, you do. Perishables.
A little lots. So that's a good year.
The lime one. All the perishables.
Oh yeah. Cuz you get them all.
That'll be the final. You'll finally be able to have
(15:52):
the chili. After 10 years of receiving
gifts. We've been aspiring to this the
whole time. That's that's worse than what I
brought. That's better, I should say.
Yeah, I think that it's being gifted a pet.
Maybe, yeah. Specifically a pet you.
Think I think it might specifically be a pet.
Yeah, because this is I'm interested because I think, I
(16:15):
think goldfish is a more common pet because it's they're like
$0.25. Are they?
Yo, they're very goldfish. You're just so hard.
You deserve. They're so much more on goldfish
later. I've I've I'm a big goldfish guy
and he'll have this. I've just.
Gifted 2 goldfish. Oh my God, so this just happened
to. You the gifter was cheap.
Oh my God. Aww give me a big.
(16:37):
Tank a whole setup for it just like you did for.
Yeah, for SO. This literally happened to you?
Yeah. Is it?
Was this did you receive it withenthusiasm?
Yes. Yeah.
OK. This was a good thing for you?
For me, yes, and I think they knew that, the audience, me.
Is like the. Two of the two and from gift.
(17:00):
If I open my door and there's ananimal on the other side of it,
I'm taking that animal, sure. Yeah.
OK, that animal's living with me, OK, forever.
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.
I won't try and take the animal.Yeah, so, but yeah, but still a
responsibility like there is new, there's new routine I have
had to learn. But it's interesting that you
think it's specifically a pet, but can you think of any other
(17:21):
like nuisancey gifts that you could be given that are not a
pet? An orchid.
Yes, that's tough 'cause. You have to give an ice cube to
it a day. OK, but then I heard recently
that ice cubes are not good actually so.
The jury is actually. Out, yeah, and.
Actually, and actually, you're going to love this.
Orchids have been showing up on your doorstep, and you have just
been. Killing No, because I really, I
(17:44):
really can't. I have two plants that I'm like
that are alive. Maintenance plants.
Not even, not even. But it's like a wonder that
they're alive under my care is like what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, OK, so we know I don't have an orchid I walk into.
Kind of say this. I know this about you.
OK, thank you. And it's not something I've ever
(18:05):
said in front of you. So I walk into there's this
woman who is like a seamstress. Is that the?
Seamstress. Seamstress.
She sells in my she sells in my grandma's building and I walk in
to like get something fixed and I look over and it's just a wall
(18:26):
of orchids, a wall of them because she under like special
grow lights, whatever. Because her other gig is she
takes care of and I guess sells orchids and there's so many and
they're so beautiful or she or she collects.
I sort of made that assumption, to be honest.
I. Say that she sells them.
Yeah. My mom, I think like orchids, I
(18:46):
mean not collects like well, I mean.
But she takes good care she has.Orchids has a giant like statue
in her house. When you open the door, there's
this giant ceramic thing that looks like a huge bird bath.
OK. And at the top of what would be
the bird bath like, the basin isjust filled with orchid.
That sounds live. Orchid so.
(19:07):
Magical. Once a week, she brings a
stepladder to the bird bath, climbs up, takes each of the
orchids out, puts it out like onthe driveway, waters them, gives
them water like, let's them dry out, gets back up on the step
ladder, puts each one back in. Yeah.
Or none is so amazing. She loves orchids.
She believes. But you guys are good at that
(19:29):
kind of stuff. Fuck.
No, no, let me find out. No, I'm probably wrong because.
She said that but like I don't know my.
I'm probably wrong. Let's call my mom right now.
And I'm going to call my seamstress.
I don't have her phone number. I have to call my mom and she'll
call her and she'll conference her in now, right?
Now everybody's mom is coming onthe.
(19:52):
Seamstress, please. That sounds beautiful.
It sounds like your mom knows how to make a dramatic.
Oh yeah. Dramatic bird baths.
Happen. Absolutely.
You open the front door and that's the first thing you see.
I can't even imagine that being indoors.
No, she's always like, isn't it gorgeous?
She's so amazing. I love her.
(20:13):
She sounds love her. I love her.
I would love to open this. Up, yeah, but.
Totally, before we go too much further and we start talking
about. Something OK, and I will open
this, Yeah. But then I have two things to
say. OK.
Do you want to say them one before 1 After.
Nah. Nah, Oh my God.
Wow, just. Kidding.
(20:34):
Will you read it out loud for us?
Yeah, giving a pet as a gift. Giving a pet as a gift I.
Got it. OK.
And all my two things that I'm allowed to say, yeah, but
everybody said I could you. Could say more OK.
I did know that about the fish and I forgot that that happened
and I did and I did forget and and now I sort of feel like a
piece of shit for putting you onblast like that.
(20:57):
But but I actually think you're right.
Like it really is know your audience because with you, you
will take care of a fish and it won't be like a big deal.
When I was a kid, I went with like an old, what was she like?
My daycare teacher, I was best friends with her kid, and she
was buying a fish. And she also bought me a fish.
(21:18):
And so I came home with like, a tank and a fish and whatever.
And my mom was pissed. She was like, what the hell?
And I think about it. I'm like, yeah, like, imagine
giving someone a kitten. And that's why I didn't say
birthday. I said graduation.
I was like, the party's inconsequential, the type of
party, because I think giving somebody a gift, you either
(21:42):
really have to know what you're doing.
Totally. Or you're crazy for doing that.
Have you ever been gifted an animal?
No, but I've done it. You've done it.
Tell me who? What, where, when, Why?
Emotions. Space work, Yeah.
And how did it go? So I orchestrated this big thing
my my ex-boyfriend was gonna meet my parents for the first
(22:04):
time. So we both flew to Minnesota to
meet my parents. My parents live on a farm.
OK and. Animals live on farms, OK?
Way since when? And we're driving, we're driving
and driving out in the middle ofnowhere and we stop at this
other farm and he's like, Oh my gosh, where are we?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then this like little puppy
(22:25):
comes running up to the car and he's like, oh, this little
puppy's so cute. And we were with a friend of
mine and she was like, I just have to stop at my aunt and
uncle's or whatever on the way to the out to the farm.
And he's like, you're so cute. I want a puppy so bad.
And I want to name him Wasabi. And then I was just like,
surprised That's your dog. I already got it.
(22:46):
And so he found the puppy right away.
And that was the one that I had already picked up for him.
And he loved it forever, but it was a gamble.
Really. So I surprised my ex-boyfriend
with a dog that he has to this day.
He loves the dog so. Much the dog's name Wasabi.
The dog's name is Wasabi. Yeah, that's.
What a hard. Frog.
That worked out, But I was like,I hope this works.
(23:06):
And then he was like, how are wegoing to get this thing back to
Texas? Because it was, like, way too
young to fly. Yeah.
And we had to like, we paid a vet to like lie about its age so
we could get it under the plane.How'd you get the you what you
like told the vet you were like just do?
It. Yeah, and.
I was like. You need nine years of medical.
(23:26):
School. And they're like, yeah, yeah,
OK. You need to say it's over like
20 weeks old or something and he's like, this is an 8 week old
dog. But I was like, well, he can't
get on the plane. He's gonna be left at the
airport, right, If you don't sayhe's 21 weeks old or whatever.
Yeah. And she was like, OK.
Whatever hasn't. Well, and this is your gift.
I think the like, we'll figure it out when it's fine, it'll be
(23:48):
fine. And then it's like it's fine
and. Then it turns out.
This is your this is your gift. Wow.
That's your gift. That's Yeah, no that.
Love that everything works out for me, it is really beautiful.
Yeah. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah, we guys aren't together
anymore. It's true, yeah, but that's not
that's some time. With friends, yeah.
It worked out. Yeah, There you go.
(24:09):
Do you get to see wasabi? I do, yeah.
My sister babysits Wasabi all the.
Time. Oh, that's cute.
Does. She still live in Texas, Yeah.
She's cute. Cute.
Yeah, I did something sweet. Yeah.
In 2017 I think. That's very sweet.
I never gotten, I don't think I've ever been gifted pets
(24:30):
before, but I've for sure one pets like, you know, the the
goldfish, Yeah. You won.
And I've I've taken home like class pets, like like when this
is any this is this is straight out of like Lewis Sacker, But
but the the hamster had babies and we got we got to take home
the babies. No way there's like they like
our 4th grade teacher auctioned off little baby hamsters.
(24:51):
It's like it's, I think a fourthgrade teacher brought capitalism
in. Yeah, I like the fact that it
was unknown. Yeah, it's auction.
It's gonna be alertable remedies.
Yeah. It was, I mean it was to make
sure, you know, the hamster wentto a good home and stuff, but.
Well, how did that go? Did you, hamster?
Yeah, you've did. You give it a good home.
Yeah, I gave it a good home. I got a good home so.
(25:12):
Got a good home? I found out that hamsters are
nocturnal. They're nocturnal.
Yeah, they're so he was like sleeping in his like piss
covered sawdust. I should clean the tank but he
just peed on it. All the time.
He was just like hang out in like moist sawdust all day.
Like I'm a little kid. I go to bed at 7:30 or probably
7:30, maybe a little later than that, 7:30.
(25:33):
And then he would just get up and get on his wheel and he
would just prank that wheel likethe night is young.
It would just be this like a little like wait.
Wait, wait, wait. So like not white noise?
No no no no. Like even even my 9 year old
self at some points would be like shut up Peaches.
Oh. My God, Peaches.
(25:54):
Peaches. Is cute, I mean.
So what? What prompted you bringing this
to us? I just was thinking I was like,
OK, I want this to be different than the other cases that I've
done and I don't know why I was.The first judge.
I just don't know why I was thinking about that today
because it just to me, I'm like,it's such a big, you do know
(26:18):
what it is. It's because I today met the dog
that I think I'm going to go pick up on Saturday and so maybe
that. Animal along the mind.
Yeah. And maybe it's like the anxiety
of like, am I going to do a goodjob?
Am I going to like take care of this animal?
And then it's like to to surprise somebody with the
responsibility of. Right.
Yeah, it's a burden. Yeah, then it's like, Oh my God,
(26:41):
because I've had to. I found out that I'm picking
this dog up two days earlier than I thought.
And immediately I was like, OK, OK, so I need I need, I need to
buy this. I need to OK.
Oh, my God. There's gonna be two hours that
I need to go somewhere. Oh, my God.
Who's gonna like, I'm driving myself insane.
(27:01):
What if she doesn't like the food that I got?
Like. Imagine if you're picking up a
goldfish, I mean. I know, I guess it's easier if
it's a goldfish, but this, because this happened in my
childhood and my mom loves to tell this story, loves to tell
this story. And then she tells the story of
like, because I did not take care of the fish.
It's Yeah, my mom. I was kind of sensing that for
(27:22):
me it's like, yeah, because whenyou're that young, it kind of
becomes the parents response. I'm like.
Fine. I'm like, oh, really?
Like, I don't know. She's like, yeah, Danielle
didn't look at that fish one time.
I'm sure that's true. And then I think too much.
I think like one day I was like,where did it go?
Like, I think like that's. And then maybe it had been a
(27:42):
while. You know what I mean?
Yeah. So yeah.
That's what brought it on your mind?
Yeah. Well.
Do you? So you are you are you like
anxious about gifting yourself this dog?
No, I actually. Get mad at somebody about it,
maybe. No, no, I think that that will
all be OK. I just like my mom loves that
story of when I was a kid of like somebody else bringing this
(28:05):
into hmm, our like parents. Life yeah parents love hoarding
things over kids heads. Ohh.
Yes, forever. Ohh, it's.
Really great George 5. Like I was fine I'm.
Old and shiny and I wanted it. Yeah, she said.
Do you want one? I said.
Yeah, sure, I'm sure. I don't remember.
I once went to a birthday as a kid where the goodie bags no
(28:28):
were turtles. No turtles live a long time.
That seems like an exotic. Pet.
It was in like a little. It was like little turtles.
Do was it a water turtle or likea sand rock rock turtle?
Oh, that's. Rock Turtle Rock.
Rock. Because if it's a water turtle,
you can let it go in a pond. I couldn't let it go.
(28:50):
Yeah, OK. And it stunk up my thing really
quickly. But I've always loved animals,
and so I wanted so much to figure out how.
And I don't. I'm not.
It's all blurry but I remember that was the goody bag.
Did it live long? I don't remember, I was in
kindergarten. Probably not.
That long? Wow, we're giving kindergarten's
garden gardeners turtles in thisworld.
(29:10):
That's like also like a specialized pet like I feel like
you have to have. Vegetables and.
Where are those and? Where are those?
I've never seen one. God, I don't know which is this
is. This was before Google.
This is before Google this. Is before Google.
OK, give me some. Oh, that's fine, they can.
Figure it out so you have a fishnow.
Two and it's. I started with three.
(29:32):
So you don't I'm I'm a big old. Guy, tell me more about that.
You can't use tap water here. OK, I was.
Given I've killed a fish with California tap, I moved from
Pacific Northwest. Beautiful tap water, just no no
no gushing out of the faucets. And then I moved to San Diego
and first time I refilled my tank with tap water.
But I was given a thing like drops to put in it with the tap
(29:55):
water. Is that OK?
They're still alive. Well, one of them's not.
I know I used to use like filtered water from my fridge.
Or you could go like buy. I have filtered water.
Yeah, I did use filtered water, Brita.
Yeah. It could.
I live in a Brita. In the new conditions, you know
you. Can't.
You can't do top water because it's bad.
It's gross. I think it's too much metal.
(30:17):
Why are we drinking that I don'thave to eat.
That maybe it's like. Maybe you're like.
Drinking unfiltered. Oh, you're talking from the top.
You're saying from the top? Yeah, I drink from the top and I
think it's fine. You, you.
Yeah. We're judging you.
You. I drink.
From the house I once got gatekeeps from buying a goldfish
which is like the opposite. What does it mean?
I was gatekeeps by a 19 year oldPetco employee.
(30:39):
They said no. Yeah, actually.
So the goldfish that died, they tried to they tried.
She tried. Why?
So the goldfish that died from California tap water?
Yeah, I've always had like 2 goldfish and one-on-one dies I
get another one. You currently have two Yeah.
Whoa. Did you know that?
I did, yeah. I was waiting for it to come up.
It's being like a buddy. I like I've had them.
I've had two for a long. I think this current duo is
(31:03):
Walter and Graebert. Those are good names.
I think you're going to say Walter and Cronkite.
No, Walter. Missed opportunity missed.
Opportunity. Actually, no.
But Graebert, I went to go pick up Graebert at Petco and you
know, like there's like a big fish.
It's just there's tons of them in there.
Yeah, they're literally 19 cents25 for their organic ones, but
(31:24):
they're like small little fish. So like, the return on
investment on a fish is incredible.
Uh huh. There's no way.
That like like Walter is probably 7 or 8 years right now.
So like 20? 50 I see.
That's over 28 years. Like how are you getting money
out of this fish? Joy, Joy.
Danielle, I'm. Gonna try get 50 fish.
(31:46):
How? Are you kidding?
The return on your There's no money in this machine.
What? The way goldfish are just
filling up your Roth IRA just. Don't look at it for 60 years
and. Then Oh yeah, no, that makes
sense 'cause when I spend my money I'm happier.
(32:06):
Always. Always.
Nothing makes me happier than spending as much money as.
More boxes with smiles on them. Wait, so then what happened?
So you were at the Petco? And the Petco And this little
pimple wearing a blue polo shirt, was that too harsh?
I had some. No, I hate her.
Yeah. She's wait till you hear that.
So she I was like, hey cuz you have to go like tell them to get
(32:28):
the little net out and do whatever And I was like, yeah, I
just need one goldfish. And she was like, what are you
going to do with it? I.
Was like shut up. And I was like, oh, she I was
like, I have a tank at home. She goes how big?
And I was like, it's like, I think it's I don't even know.
I think it's like 5. I was like 5 gallons and she
goes, they should really be in 10.
And I was like, OK. And then she was and then I was
(32:50):
like, well, I've had this tank for a while, you know, like it's
this fish is replacing a perfectly happy fish who died
from the California tap water most tragically.
And she was like, you know, likeif you can overfeed them and
their and their stomachs will explode.
And I literally was like, are you gonna sell me this fish?
And she just like gets in a little huff and gets out the bag
(33:10):
and like puts it. But she like.
So you got it. Yay.
Yeah, I got it, OK. Now she was like cents 19.
Cents that's. Your.
Fish that you have now, Yeah, great.
So it's been a long around for awhile.
Four years. 3-4 Wow, good for you 4 year old.
Yeah, good job. Wow, I hope my fish live that
long. Yeah, they will, Yeah.
They're. Two months old.
(33:31):
OK for now too. Soon to tell, but I bet they
will. Thank you.
Yes. I believe in you.
Thank you. I named them Haley after my dog
Haley. Haley.
Come. Here everybody's name is.
Haley and they're all like. They, like, don't know who to
respond to. Everybody's like, Huh?
I one time. So funny, I didn't know that.
(33:55):
After Joel Osmond. A Baldwin Bieber.
OK. Oh yes.
I was at Baldwin Beamer and I was like, this is a card
dealership. Oh, they're good.
That's a very good couple. That's.
Good Baldwin Biebers. Yeah.
Are they good? Yeah.
I think they're should we get them on the phone?
Yeah, and our moms, please, and our moms and my get them all,
(34:21):
get them all on the horn. Yeah, I think.
I guess you have to know the person that gets my goldfish.
Yeah, that's. Like like it's known you, you
would be a safe person to give me goldfish.
Too. Give me goldfish.
I think you would be too. You'd be nervous about it seems
like. Yeah, I think I'd do a good job,
but I'd be like, Oh my God, there's a lot to think about.
Yeah, I think we need to crank up the stakes a little bit.
(34:43):
I think when it says pet we don't mean just goldfish.
You're right, dog I. You're right, and both.
Are the dice on a whole dog? Yeah.
That's a OK. One, let's make it big dice
roll. Let's make it a horse.
Let's make it a horse. Let's make it.
A horse. This is a financial burden.
That's what I'm saying you've seen.
There's money in horses. Yeah, we are.
We are good friends, like whatever.
(35:07):
And I go, I know you're going off to college.
Big surprise. I got you a horse.
And where will the horse live? Figure it out.
Yeah. So for me I.
Didn't I'm not getting you a stable?
Yeah, I just got you a horse. Because you can't afford that
you you spent I. Spent all 60. $1000 on horse.
For my girl, Anything for my girl.
Would you get the accoutrements for it?
(35:30):
Stabling. Yeah, absolutely not.
I would not. I I am so allergic to horses
that I will go into show. Really.
I'm I'm, I'm like scared of. The I'm scared of them too.
I would I would find a way. Yeah, you would.
Of course you would, yeah. And then I'd put my forehead to
the horse's forehead and I'd saytell me everything.
Yeah, I think you. Have the I think you have the
best heart of the four of us. Yeah, it also.
(35:50):
Can be Jasmine is a. Pure, pure soul.
Animals. Shut up.
I'm I'm. You you won't hold the elevator.
For all the people, wait, I wantto hear about that.
Wait in my car. Do it because I thought it was
puzzle because Jasmine. The animal is in that elevator.
That's true. You are getting running.
And that's funny because Jasminetold me the case, but not which
(36:12):
side you were. On yeah that I get too much
anxiety to have to do small so. You say door closed.
Don't do door closed. But you don't do door open.
I don't, I do don't enter. I don't enter.
You don't enter when you're. When you're coming to that, you
go. Don't hold it for.
Me. Yeah, go.
I'll get the next one, OK, and Irespect that.
(36:32):
Yeah, and I love that and I think it's awesome.
And I'm never gonna ride in an elevator with another person
again. You will never share an elevator
with my ass. Ever.
That's a friend. That's a.
Friend, now that I know. But now I will I will release a
nearby animal into the elevator with you and then walk away.
(36:54):
And you tell me a laugh happy joke.
Yeah, that's. True.
What if it's a? Snake.
As a gift. Yeah.
Is it a friendly snake? You just name the two scariest
animals, horses and snakes. Isn't they, they live till
they're like 1000 snakes, Not actually, but like, but like,
yeah. Turtles.
They they live long snakes. And parrots too.
(37:15):
Parrots are a big thing. Well, parrots is even harder
because they imprint on you and then they will never.
If you get a parrot as like a little as like a little chick
and it sees you, yeah, it will never like a person that's not
you. Wait, they only like?
You they only like one person because they're like a naturally
monogamous animal or. Something like that stress.
(37:38):
Is that what they say when they say baby birding?
It's just imprinting. It's imprints on like one
person. I've seen it happen.
I had a friend who's you've watched an imprint.
I've watched. Well, I've seen.
I've seen Avatar but I haven't seen Word Imprint.
And Twilight, I'm sure. I had a friend with a blue
macaw. Weird imprint.
And it hated everyone except formy friend's mom.
(38:01):
It decided that that was mom. It's partner, person, mother,
whatever and everyone else wouldget too close to his mom and the
bird would like swoop at them. No including her kids.
It was incredibly jealous an. Indoor swooping bird.
Yes, that's horror. That's that's it's.
Macaw. OK.
I heard about a neighborhood where there was somebody who
(38:23):
wanted to gift the crows becausehe knew you can form a
relationship with a crow. And so this person would, like,
get little, little food for themor leave little gifts for them.
And so the crows in the neighborhood very much loved
this one person to the point that if a neighbor was talking
to this person, the crows would come and, like, attack.
And so they had to make it a rule that everybody in the
(38:45):
neighborhood had to be nice to the crows.
And then the crows like expandedtheir neck.
That's terrifying. Honestly, I love the end of that
story. Yeah, I would love to have a
murder of crows protecting me atall.
Times protecting you. Crows are really smart.
Yeah, they have an economy, are they?
Oh, tell me, what the crows? Say they do calculus, but they
have an economy too. All chagrins that these crows
(39:08):
have. What the hell?
They invest in stocks. They.
Have their own stock market, they're all.
Phi major, I bet all. Crows can grow seeds and grow
more food maybe. Yeah, and they have the
Internet. I like that.
That's so crazy. So crazy.
Yeah, I think crows are also menaces, I feel like.
(39:31):
Yeah. But like, good ones.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, making.
That would be That's the next Marvel superheroes crow.
Do they don't have a crow? There's the crow.
The Crow. And then there's Russell Crowe
and. There's Russell Crowe.
Yeah, and there's this role Rachel Crow vino that's from
college and with their. Hollywood representation.
(39:51):
That's it. It's.
So bad. It's not so under
representation, they're underwrite that's they're under
represented. They're gonna start doing union
talks about it, actually, yeah. Because they're gonna have to.
You're gonna have to include a crow in a lot of movies.
Yeah. Yeah, crows are not being given
up as gifts. I don't think so.
No. And that that should have been
on that piece of paper. That's actually.
What's wrong is that crows aren't being given as.
(40:13):
Gift and I'm pissed. Because they are so loyal.
So pissed off about it. OK, So what do we do about these
people who give pets as gift? Yeah, can you give a pet as a
hate gift? Like, I guess, I guess we're
doing two things right. We're celebrating them if
they're smart about it and kind because you're being kind of the
(40:35):
animal if you're giving as a gift to somebody who will
appreciate it. So in that case, they get a
crown. But if you give a gift sort of
randomly and it feels irresponsible and perhaps your
mommy is stuck with, you know, shouldering the burden, maybe
then they get 4 of whatever theygifted.
(40:58):
Yeah, and it costs four times the amount of whatever. 4.
Or so one. Dollar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So if I show up to your birthday.
Yeah, I give you a fish? Yeah, you're seven.
You don't want the fish or you just don't?
Yeah, whatever. Yeah, it's a bad gift.
I then have to buy 4 fishes. And four tanks.
(41:19):
And four tanks. Yeah, and four things of food.
Each one will be $1.00 instead of $0.25.
Yeah. Because they cost. 4.
Dollars and and. You're gonna get a hard time
tariffs every single one, and every single tank is gonna be a
10 gallon tank. Whoa.
It's gonna be a 40 gallon tank. That is 4 tank or 140 gallon
tank is fine. Which would be acceptable from
(41:40):
the gatekeepers at Petco. They would, yeah, subscribe to
that tank size. Or and I'm I'm also fine with it
and you could tell them that I said that.
OK, that feels fair. Yeah, I was thinking what if,
what if the person who gave the gift, I I give a bad gift, Now I
have to be given as a gift to someone or.
Something you have to be given. As a gift.
(42:00):
You're the gift, I. I have to be the gift at that
point, right? To like an alien or.
Like a. And you know what?
What else has to be a part of that?
Those like, reveal videos where they put a puppy in a box.
Yeah, you're in a box. I'm in the box, I'm in the.
Box I'm in the. Top Yeah, I was going to say I'm
giving being given to a murder of crows as a gift at that
point. Wait, OK, but they're.
(42:22):
They're gonna. They can.
Well, it depends. They could take very good care
of you. We just don't know what's gonna
happen. Exactly.
It's so uncertain. That's really good.
That's really good. Care of you well.
What if it's an alien? Here's hoping we don't know.
They might just probe. They might just probe and throw
me out. They might probe Oh.
I hope they probe. Of course they'll.
Probe. Wait, should we ask Katy Perry?
(42:45):
Yes, she's seen now. She came back singing though, so
I came back. From the Daisy.
She sing to the aliens, yeah. What a wonderful world.
Jasmine, do you have a punishment for these people?
OK. I agree with Danielle that if
it's like well-intentioned and you know your audience, then
(43:05):
you're just like, that's fine. Yeah, and I think no white
elephants either. That's 'cause that's just like
you're just passing official. Irresponsible.
If you're being responsible, yeah, then it's cool.
OK, I think that if you give an animal as a gift to a person who
like didn't want it, doesn't want it, isn't ready for it, you
(43:26):
then have to be the person to like either pick up the dog poop
or you have to be the person wholike comes in twice a day to
feed the fish. So you become indentured to that
other person, Yes. OK, that's.
What? I'm paid to pick up servants.
No, you're. Not right, right, right island.
(43:52):
What? Yeah, you, you become
responsible for the responsibilities, yes.
Yeah. Yeah, I would be fine with that,
yeah. It sounds pretty good, yeah.
Graham, do you have anything other ones off the top of your
head? You've covered a lot of
potential punishments here. No, I, I think, I think, I mean,
yeah, I, I think we've covered it all pretty well.
I would only, I would maybe justoffer one little punishment
(44:13):
where cuz as you know, I like a personal embarrassment.
Yes, it's very fun. I think.
I think if you commit a crime, you should have to feel the, the
shame if you're ashamed for it. So I think just one night in the
goldfish bowl for you. Where everybody's looking at
you, Yeah. It's like it's part of the
party. And you don't drown.
Yeah, you don't drown, but you also can't talk or communicate
(44:34):
because. You're just in it.
Yeah, you. Just are you naked in it and.
People can feed you. I think you are.
Because embarrassing. That's so embarrassing.
Everybody's looking at you, my body, and you can't talk.
It's like like frozen peas. Frozen peas is good so well,
it's. Pretty cool, you sound nice.
Like not even thawed peas. Yeah, frozen peas.
And I even like peas. Yeah, but don't.
But not like that. Not like.
(44:59):
I think we all agree. Not like that.
Not like. That.
So I think we pretty much unanimously agree it's a gamble
if you give a pet as a gift, andyou probably just shouldn't.
Just in case. Just in case or or you really
gotta be sure. Yeah, and and you have to bring
(45:19):
the housing too. Yeah, just give a fish in a bag
and be like have fun. Right.
Like that's the, that's the. Hope you have some old.
City bottles, that's the major part.
It's like a house stuff, yeah. And I think it's, I think we
came up with four really good punishments.
And I think it's up to the person who got the gift which
punishment. That's nice that they have all
that's. Nice yeah, cuz we don't hate
them yeah they. Right.
It could go make it in a goldfish bowl to, you know,
(45:42):
being given to aliens. Buy yeah buying 4 * 4 fish.
There's so many options, there'sso many.
Options. Wow.
Yeah, that's right. We're all wearing wigs.
We don't have gavels. Oh my.
Goodness. Do you have anything that you'd
like to plug? Girls Night.
I want to plug a stand up show that I do once a month every
(46:06):
first Monday of the month at thegood night called like comedy or
whatever. Like comedy or whatever.
Yeah, good night, Mondays. That's right.
On Instagram we are at like comedy or whatever.
That's nice. So excellent.
Check them. Out.
Thank you. That's all.
Case closed. Case closed.
Yay, we can share one. Gavel with me.
(46:26):
Yeah, here. Wait, I'll do this two.
Snacks. No, we have to go here.
Oh, we do OK. 2 ready. Ready.
That's. The best we've ever done it.
This is premeditated.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.