Episode 2 Taken..The 5 Pillars In A Relationship

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Chatting about the 5 Pillars in A Relationship....

and a chapter from my Memoir...

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello everyone, a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 2, Sleepless in Granada.
I'm just sitting here quietly onmy terrace sipping my tea and
stroking my two little rescuedogs.
Oh, they've just actually jumpeddown and now they're lying at my
feet.
I've just been feeling veryoverwhelmed today, grateful and
so lucky to be living in thisfantastic part of the world.

(00:23):
Today I'll be chatting about thefive pillars in a relationship
by Peter Sam Markel And at theend, I will read a short chapter
from my memoir.
The five pillars in arelationship are friendship,
loyalty, love, honesty, respect.
And guess what the weakestpillar out of these five is?

(00:45):
Yep, you've got it.
It's love.
Love goes up and love goes down,depending on our mood,
situation, etc., etc.
This is very normal.
Attraction is largely based onthe chemical reactions in our
brain and the intensity of thosereactions will vary from day to
day.
One day you're in love, the nextyou're not.

(01:08):
In addition, as we get to knowour human more and more, our
feelings can shift and fluctuatebased on our perceptions of our
person.
Love is an emotion, a verycomplex emotion.
If one of the other very strongpillars in a relationship is
missing, The relationship issadly doomed to fail.

(01:30):
We should all be looking for aman, a woman, partner, who wants
a friendship and not just arelationship.
A best friend, a partner, alover and a confidant.
All wrapped up in the oneperson.
Humour.
Kindness, respect and empathyshould be on our non-negotiables

(01:52):
list.
Love and loyalty.
Two feelings that are so closelyrelated, yet people often get
confused about which one iswhich.
What is loyalty?
Loyalty is a commitment toyourself to be truthful, to be
there for your someone, to standby them and respect their way of
seeing things, being dedicatedto the relationship, making

(02:16):
conscious choices and decisionsto nurture it especially in
challenging times just beingthere for them unwavering
support through thick and thinoffering encouragement
understanding being there forthem emotionally no matter what
loyalty is being faithful inwords and in actions meaning

(02:38):
emotional and physical fidelityloyalty is prioritizing their
well-being and happiness Loyaltyis built on a foundation of
trust where both partners feelsafe, secure, heard and very
loved.
Loyalty is respecting andmaintaining healthy boundaries

(02:59):
with each other.
Communication is key.
Ultimately, it's all aboutcreating a safe and supportive
space where you both feelcherished, respected and very
safe.
Love.
Now love is a complex emotion,as I've just said.
It takes over our very being andblinds us from reality, as this

(03:22):
feeling has to do with thechemicals produced in our body,
which in turn triggers the love.
Love is also sometimes confusedwith lust, but they're not the
same feeling or emotion.
I love my dogs very much, but Idon't lust them.
Non-sexual intimacy.
Feelings of closeness,connection and complete

(03:44):
vulnerability.
Oh, I love this.
The exciting part.
Sorry, I digress.
Passion.
is the physical attraction, theexcitement, that spark that we
all crave, yet it continues toelude so many of us, the
romantic feelings that drive ourrelationship.
Love goes through differentstages in life, and what in the

(04:06):
beginning started as attraction,lust and love, later develops
into contentment.
companionship and commitment,understanding and loyalty,
valuing each other's opinions,boundaries and feelings.
We all go through differentstages of love in our lives.
The love we feel for ourchildren when they're born,

(04:26):
toddlers, infants and intoadolescence.
As they evolve and change, ourresponse to them and our
communication needs vary.
When they become adults and wecut the Love changes.
It doesn't mean we love themless.
On the contrary, we love themand we have deep respect for

(04:49):
them and an enormous feeling ofpride.
It means that our love maturesand changes.
It also happens with ourparents, our siblings, our
partners, our friends andrelatives.
We love them, each and every oneof them, in a different way,
with different amounts ofloyalty, respect and love.

(05:10):
Let me know your thoughts sothat This is my final question.
Do you think that as long asloyalty remains hand in hand
with respect, we can interactand be civil even if the love is
gone?
A short piece from my memoir.
This piece is called Taken,1967.
I was six years old, soundasleep, snuggled up tight in my

(05:34):
cosy bed.
Suddenly I jolted awake, hearingloud adult voices from the hall
outside the bedroom I sharedwith with my younger siblings.
A sliver of light seeped underthe door and I could feel the
cold wafting through.
In my child brain, I knewsomething was wrong, very wrong.
Mum's voice was scary.

(05:55):
She was pleading with someone ina hushed tone, shh, shush, keep
your voices down, you'll wakethe kids up.
She was upset and cryingquietly.
The voices continued, growinglouder, louder, loud.
Clinging tightly to my soft pinkteddy, I continued to listen.
Oh no! I felt warmth spreadthrough my flannelette nightie.

(06:18):
I had wet the bed.
My heart sank.
Oh no, no, I'm a big girl.
Only babies pee the bed.
This was the first time this hadhappened to me and a wave of
shame washed over me.
I realised I was lying in acold, wet spot as the warmth
faded.
My lip was trembling.
I wanted my mum.

(06:40):
Burying my head in Ted's softfur, I continued to listen.
The bedroom door suddenly swungopen.
I sat bolt upright.
Standing there, his face inshadow was a man.
He wasn't my dad.
A big man wearing a dark leatherswishy coat.
He swooped down and lifted mefrom my bed and swaddled me in a

(07:03):
blanket.
I tried in vain to keep my legsclosed as confusion, fear and
embarrassment coursed through mytiny wee body.
He smelled of cigarettes and hisbeard was scratchy.
I wanted my mum, I smelled ofpee.
As we left the safety of ourroom, glancing over at my little
brother, his big chocolate browneyes wide and terror as he too

(07:26):
was lifted from his bed andcradled in the arms of another
stranger.
Neither of us made a sound.
We were shocked and bewildered.
The men carried us down thestairs into the cold damp night.
In all the chaos I let go of mybeloved pink teddy, a gift from
my grandmother when I was born.
Desperately I reached out andcried out, extending my chubby

(07:49):
little hands towards her.
Ted! Ted! I was wriggling andstretching out repeatedly but
the A man kicked her away.
I watched horrified as she slidinto the darkness, removing my
comfort in an instant.
That moment scorched into mymemory.
A part of my childhood had beenforcibly taken from me by these
strangers.

(08:09):
My childhood innocence was gone,like an irrevocable part of me
taken without consent.
My security, comfort andprecious bear were kicked and
discarded without thought.
I never saw Ted again.
My brother clung tightly.
onto his precious blue Ted.
Silent, frightened tears drippeddown his wee, worried, frowning

(08:31):
face.
I want my mummy.
Where's my dad?
What's happening?
I lost sight of my mum andwondered where my other siblings
might be.
The world outside felt cold andvery unwelcoming, so different
to the warmth of the only home Ihad ever known.
As strange men whisked us awayinto the night, my mind whirled

(08:53):
in confusion.
We all just simply vanished asif we had never been.
I was just six years old on thatcritical night in 1967.
While much of it feels like adream and certain moments in my
memory are like vividbrushstrokes on a rainbow
canvas.
Years later mum spoke of thatnight.
None of my other siblings seemedto remember when six

(09:15):
plainclothes policemen had comein the small hours to take us to
a safe house.
All I felt then was confusionand longing for my old house.
Our grandparents lived in theapartment below us and were fast
asleep when my family and I weretaken away in the wee hours.
The day that changed our worldforever.
They were jolted Thank you verymuch.

(10:00):
My grandparents listened inhorror to the ruckus as the mob
ransacked her home, platessmashing, and the hard thugs'
furniture was being upturned.
Back then, they didn't have aphone to call for help.
The gangsters henchmen sent astaunch warning, but the police
were already one step ahead.

(10:21):
Two key witnesses who previouslygave evidence against this
gangster had their homesfirebombed, leading them to
retract their testimonies.
It was a chilling lesson aboutthe dangers we faced and the
lengths those in power would goto protect us.
They were taking no chances withus this time.
The fear and loss I felt thatnight were the beginning of a

(10:44):
long journey I didn't fullyunderstand.
It is excruciatingly painful toremember just how vulnerable we
all were and how the impact ofthose moments rippled through
our lives shaping who we became.
The dynamics of our family werenever the same again.
I have no recollection of thecar journey to our new so-called

(11:07):
home and perhaps that's ablessing.
It feels easier not to rememberhow uncertain and restless we
must have been during that ride.
It's a blank space in my memory.
Suddenly the car stopped and thetwo strangers got out.
My brother and I clung to eachother.
We were terrified.
Just then I spotted my mumstanding there.

(11:28):
My little heart sank.
Her usually happy smiling facewas ashen, sorrowful, worry was
etched all over.
Her eyes were red and puffy fromcrying but they lit up when she
spotted us in the car.
She was trying to console my twoirritable younger siblings.
Excitedly I hit the car windowwith my pudgy little fists.

(11:50):
One of the men opened the backdoor and pulled us out into my
mum's loving arms.
She covered her faces withkisses and hugged me so tightly
that I thought my little heartwould burst.
My brother's quiet whimpersbroke the uneasy silence.
Watching with completehelplessness as the sound set
off the other two children,their tiny faces contorted in

(12:12):
distress.
Stinging tears dripped down myunhappy face and I fought to
hold them back, biting down hardon my thumb and reminding myself
that I had to be strong.
After all, I was a big girl now.
Letting out a breath I didn'tknow I was holding, being close
to my mum.
Felt like being wrapped in amarshmallow cocoon of love.

(12:34):
Her smell was so soothing.
A tiny spark of happiness justknowing mum was there.
She told us all that we had tobe big and brave and that this
is where we would now be living.
She said this will be a greatadventure.
I wasn't convinced.
Everything will be fine now shesaid.
Suddenly a draft cut through theair giving me goosebumps.

(12:56):
Gripping mum's coat edge tightlywe slowly and cautiously And
each sound...

(13:20):
A whisper, a shift of weightseemed to bounce off the walls,
creating a hollow echo in thevast, unloved, sterile space.
Standing in the middle of theroom, chilled to the bone, a
solitary tear rolled down mycheek.
Stunned, my mouth hung open indisbelief.
How can this place be our newhome?
The pungent smell of paint andsawdust on the floor invaded my

(13:45):
nostrils and made them feelitchy.
There were no curtains to softenthe stark windows No carpets to
cushion our chilled bare feet.
The walls were stark white, voidof any colour.
There were no pictures on thewalls, no lamps and no messy
toys thrown on the floor.
And where was mum's sewingmachine?
Where were my books?

(14:06):
I was taken aback by theharshness of it all.
A skeleton of a house.
I wanted to run, but I knew Icouldn't.
I had to be brave.
Mum needed me to help her withthe younger children.
Biting my lip sharply and tryingto stem the hot tears that once
again threatened to escape.
Staring at the lone piece offurniture on the vast living

(14:26):
room was a shiny black leathercouch.
Its skinny wooden legs didn'tlook strong enough to support
its weight.
And when I plopped myself down,it let out a squeaky farty
protest.
A tiny giggle escaped from mythroat.
Mum scanned the big empty roomwith a frown across her brow.
She was angry, hands on herhips.

(14:47):
She turned to the unfamiliarfaces of the police officers.
men she'd only just met, and shedemanded that they retrieve her
comfy couch and matching chairfrom her real home.
Mum's voice was thunderous andstern.
I can't live like this.
I want my stuff.
This place is still underconstruction.
Mum was visibly upset.

(15:08):
She hated this place and it waswritten all over her frowny
face.
Wringing her hands, she touchedthe crucifix that was a
permanent fixture around herneck, a surefire sign that Mum
was worried.
I knew this was Mum's securityblanket.
I bit my lip again.
My comfort was gone.
Mum's presence was an invisibleshield that protected us from

(15:31):
the unease of this strange,unfamiliar place.
The house had four bedrooms.
each an empty cold shell.
My sister and I would share oneof the larger rooms and my two
brothers would each have asmaller room.
I noticed there weren't any cotsfor the smaller children.
I would need to tell mum.
The prospect should have beenexciting, creating new memories,

(15:54):
but I felt terror andapprehension.
It felt too stark to provide thedesperately needed warmth and
security I craved.
Sensing the underlying tensionamong us the fear of the
unknown.
My little heart felt crushedwhen I realised that something
essential was missing.
Where was my dad?
There was an uneasy silencewhere his presence should have

(16:17):
been and I felt tension in theair as if we were all waiting
for something or someone,someone that might never come.
A knot tightened in my stomach,glancing around, feeling a deep
sense of loss that I couldn'tquite put into words.
Mum, where's dad?
Thank you for listening.

(16:38):
Please message me onsleeplessingrenada at yahoo.com.
I would absolutely love yourfeedback and thank you for
listening to episode two.
Episode three will followshortly.