#24 I am God

In the finale of the Idol Series, we turn the mirror inward. What happens when the last idol left standing is...ourselves? This episode confronts the seductive pull of hyper-individualism, the myth of self-made salvation, and the spiritual exhaustion of always being our own answer. We explore how the performance of autonomy can become its own trap—where every boundary, every goal, every ritual is curated in service of an image we’re terrified to fall short of. With cultural commentary, research-backed insights, and raw personal reflection, we ask: when self-worship replaces self-worth, who are we really serving?

Sources

1. Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.

2. Dittmar, Helga. “The Costs of Consumer Culture and the ‘Cage Within’: The Impact of the Material ‘Good Life’ and ‘Body Perfect’ Ideals on Individuals’ Identity and Well-Being.” Psychological Inquiry, vol. 18, no. 1, 2007, pp. 23–31.

3. Foucault, Michel. Technologies of the Self: A Seminar with Michel Foucault. University of Massachusetts Press, 1988.

4. Illouz, Eva. Saving the Modern Soul: Therapy, Emotions, and the Culture of Self-Help. University of California

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
What happens when the person you've spent your whole life
becoming still isn't enough? What happens when you run out of
things to fix, but you still feel broken?
Today's episode is the final chapter in our idol series, and
we're ending it not with anotherexternal idol, but with the most

(00:25):
sacred one of all, ourselves. This is the God of me you're
listening to. So I was told a podcast about
healing, meaning, and the messy in between.
I'm your host curves. And this is the final chapter of

(00:46):
our idol series. Let's get into it.

(01:06):
We started the series talking about perfection, about that
gnawing voice that tells you if I could just get it right then
I'll be worthy. But perfection was never the end
point. It was the bait.
You see, we moved into healing, into individuality, into the
fantasy of being chosen. And what we uncovered each time

(01:27):
was the same hidden engine. The self as a project, the self
as a God we quietly serve. Whether it's that girl
aesthetics or productivity hacks, shadow work, journaling
or brand strategy, the line between becoming and performing
gets dangerously thin. I love this study done in 2021

(01:52):
by Cyber Psychology, Behavior and Social Networking.
It found that individuals with high levels of self concept
clarity still experienced anxiety if they constantly
curated their identities online.So what does that mean?
It means even when we think we know ourselves, we're still
performing for someone. Sometimes that someone is a

(02:14):
crowd. Maybe you feel indebted to a
certain image that your family has always had of you or your
friends. Maybe you have this unseen
expectation that you feel you'recarrying to reach a point of
success by a certain age so as to not let those people down.
Sometimes it's the ghost of who we thought we'd be.

(02:34):
When I had left the church in 2021, I felt aimless for not
just the next seven months as I navigated separation and
divorce, but for years. It really wasn't until maybe
about a year and a half ago thatI really started to understand
who I was apart from church. I was haunted by the ghost of

(03:00):
who I thought I'd always be. I was doing a lot online.
I was helping people, I was sharing my thoughts, being
honest and open, but none of it ever felt real to me.
It wasn't until I realized fullythat I didn't need an
institution to function in to know that I was doing good in

(03:21):
the world. Every skill that I had
cultivated in the last seven years of my life doesn't need to
be shown through church. And I'm not knocking anybody
down who goes to church. I think religion is a great tool
for self help and human flourishing.

(03:42):
Now I know that that's a bit of an unpopular opinion, but I talk
about it all the time online. Spirituality is good, religion
is good. It's the power hungry, political
agenda driven demons that lead these institutions that are
giving religion a bad name. Anyways, I thought I knew what

(04:04):
my purpose in life was until I no longer had a setting to
understand my purpose in. My visibility felt like the most
valuable thing in my life. You see, I don't think we're
just worshipping ourselves. It's not as simple as
worshipping ourselves. I don't think we wake up every
day and think I am the God of myuniverse and think I am the God

(04:27):
of this world, although sometimes some of us mirror some
affirmations close to that. And while I'm all for
affirmations like I can do this,I am brave, I am smart, my body
is great, all of those sorts of affirmations are fantastic.
But I do think that there comes a point where we rely so much on
affirmations that they end up teetering more and more and more

(04:51):
to one side. To where it no longer becomes
about helping our minds grasp the reality that we are
valuable, but rather turns into to this form of self worship
where we need to be elevated above everyone and everything
else to know our value. So I don't think we're just
worshipping ourselves. I think we're worshipping our

(05:13):
witnessed selves. We've mistaken visibility for
value. If it's not seen, it's not real.
If it's not liked, it's not lovable.
But let's be honest, Instagram didn't make us this way, but it
did give us the tools to build altars from pixels.
The likes, the story views, the wow, you're so wise comments.

(05:37):
These become affirmations we collect like scripture.
Social media scholar Brooke Aaron Duffy calls this the
aspirational labor economy. That's where people, especially
women and queer folk, are expected to be emotionally
expressive, always healing and always ascending.

(05:58):
But when your value is always somewhere out there, it
fractures your ability to fill hole in here.
You see, we become trapped in our own echo chambers begging
for resonance. We're all looking for good news

(06:20):
in this world, and there is a gospel of growth in our culture.
Its commandments are be better, no more, heal endlessly, never
settle. And yet no one tells you what
happens when there's no more trauma to process.

(06:41):
No one tells you what happens when you've optimized your
sleep, your boundaries, your skin care routine, and you're
still afraid to be alone with yourself.
Psychologist Doctor Jennifer Koontz puts it simply, quote, we
have to live with ourselves. And sometimes that's the hardest
person to accept. You see, the gospel of growth

(07:03):
says you are a project, but reallove says you are a person.
Not a brand, not an algorithm, not a performance piece, but a
human being imperfectly perfect.So my hope for you in this

(07:27):
entire series and all five of these episodes is that we would
have the courage to dismantle the idols in our lives.
To be deeply introspective, thatis to look inward and to ask
ourselves, is there anything, anyone, any ideology that I am

(07:49):
putting on a pedestal so high that I am giving so much meaning
to, so much weight to, that I'm not realizing is crushing me
because I simply was not createdwith the strength to carry it
all. Is it our relationship?

(08:10):
Is it a significant person? Is it our family?
Is it an ideology? Is it our sexuality?
Is it fashion? Is it power?
Is it sex? Is it our art or is it
ourselves? What do we do with the God of

(08:32):
me? Well, we don't destroy them, we
unburden them. We let ourselves be human again.
Not sacred, not optimized nor perfect or holy.
Just alive. Because you're allowed to be

(08:54):
ordinary. You're allowed to be boring.
You're allowed to not know. Because love doesn't require
spectacle, belonging doesn't require branding.
And maybe, just maybe, the self you've been trying to become is

(09:15):
someone you already are, my friend.
Oh, that you would know your worth, your value to not be
rooted in someone else's expectation of you.
Or that you would be bold enoughto look inward, to set aside
your pride, to nurture the garden of your heart with love,

(09:40):
with vigor. That you would cultivate
resiliency by getting back up again and again after you've
fallen and failed. That you would have your eyes
fixed forward into the mirror, looking at yourself, knowing
that in this present moment you are enough, but also becoming.

(10:02):
Becoming what you consume, becoming what you think about,
becoming what you worship. And that you would take those
things seriously. That your pursuit of knowledge
would be rooted not just in selfimprovement, but the flourishing
of your neighbors, of your community, of your friends, your

(10:23):
family, your loved ones. That you would reject hyper
individualism. That you would reject hyper
consumerism? That you would link arms with
those in your life to uplift each other.
Then, and only then, do I think we can tear down the idols in

(10:43):
our life.