Nikki Boyer is an Emmy Award-winning host, actress, and the creator of Dying for Sex — the wildly beloved Wondery podcast that's now the hit FX series starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate.
But at the heart of that story is something deeper: Nikki’s relationship with her real-life soul sister, Molly, and how it deepens through life, death, and beyond.
In this conversation, Nikki and I drop into the sacred, messy terrain of grief, death, and the magic that lingers long after someone we love leaves the physical.
We talk about the soul contract between best friends, how spirit shows up in the quietest (and weirdest) ways, and how Nikki believes Molly is still working through her, through the show, and in other ways, big and small.
This episode is a tribute to the kind of sisterhood that spans lifetimes — and the love that doesn’t die.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Next up on Soul Level , Human, it's like birth, death
and orgasms in between.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That's as vulnerable as you get right, you just
nailed dying for sex.
That's pretty much how it went.
That's what I'm saying, girl,that's what I'm saying.
Yes, you nailed it.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I am not the same after watching this show.
This is something that I willthink about for the rest of my
life.
Oh my God.
That is such a common responsethat I came across over and over
and over again too, and I justwant to acknowledge you, because
this is not the podcast andshows and everything.
This is not just entertainment.
(00:35):
That's medicine, that'smedicine.
You didn't come here to playsafe.
You came to remember your powerand build what comes next.
I'm Sylvia Beatriz, psychicmedium and intuition coach, and
this is Soul Level Human, thepodcast for truth tellers, cycle
breakers and soul-ledrevolutionaries.
You didn't come here to bypassthe chaos.
(00:56):
You came here to lead throughit.
Nikki Boyer is one of thosepeople you instantly feel at
home with and I did, since wemet at a photo shoot with my
husband Adam back in our phototeam days over 10 years ago.
Nikki's an Emmy award-winninghost, actress and producer and
(01:17):
the creator of Dying for Sex,the wondery podcast that won
podcast of the year and was justadapted into the hit FX series
starring Michelle Williams andJenny Slate.
The show is based on Nikki'sreal-life soulmate and best
friend, molly, and the wild,beautiful, hilarious and
heartbreaking journey theywalked together as Molly faced a
(01:40):
terminal diagnosis.
In this episode, we talk aboutgrief faced a terminal diagnosis
.
In this episode, we talk aboutgrief, soulmates, signs from the
other side and how love doesn'tend.
It just changes shape.
Let's get into it.
Nikki Boyer, thank you forcoming on the show.
I'm so happy to see you, oh mygosh.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Any chance to get to spend time with you is like such
a bonus, and so thank you forgiving me a space to come and
share and just be girls together.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
That's my favorite thing and I know that if we got
together in person, we would betalking for an entire weekend
retreat.
We have so much to talk about.
I'm just going to take us therereal quick, like okay.
First of all, when we met, wemet at a photo shoot.
Adam and I were shooting withyou and we just spent the entire
day together, and the way thatwe used to work was like hyper
(02:30):
speed soul connection in thefirst five minutes, right.
So I feel like we've alreadyspent lifetimes together and
this is the perfect extension ofthat, right.
Like a decade and a half later,here we go, let's drop in again
.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
You.
I have to say one of myfavorite memories of you, oh my
God, I just I fell in love withyou instantly.
First of all, you're going intoa photo shoot.
You don't know what to expect.
You're feeling a littlevulnerable, like am I cute
enough, am I good enough?
You know all those, those likeinvasive thoughts.
Yeah, exactly.
And I remember we were gettingdressed and I was coming up with
this cute little you know likeshould I wear this dress?
(03:06):
And you said wait, wait, I havethe perfect shoes.
And you came in and you let mewear your shoes for the photo
shoot and I thought that's like,you're there, you want me to
feel good, and you let me borrowyour shoes, your personal shoes
, and I was just like and thiswas after like maybe 15, 20
minutes of knowing each otherand I was like I, this human, is
(03:26):
a good soul like a good soulwho's here to support and love
and make, make me feel good.
And I, just from that moment on,I just was like those two
people, you and your husband.
I was just like this is I don'tknow.
This feels nice.
This feels really good.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
And we're locked in forever.
We're done.
Okay, great, perfect, yeah, Ijust love you.
Okay, let me, let me make yousquirm a little bit, because I
need to be a mirror for you toreflect back to you the amazing
impact that you, your presenceand all of the things that
you're doing or having in theworld.
Okay, you're ready?
Okay, okay, I'm buckling up.
I was scrolling on TikTok lastnight for a good hour, just like
(04:01):
seeing what people are sayingabout your show.
Okay, and the two main thingsthat I found these are the two
main through lines that arerepeated over and over.
Amanda Butler says I was dyingcrying and two seconds later,
I'm dying laughing.
Standard reaction CelesteYvonne says I am not the same
(04:22):
after watching this show.
This is something that I willthink about for the rest of my
life.
I can't even look at you rightnow.
That is such a common responsethat I came across over and over
and over again.
Those two and I just want tojust acknowledge you for showing
up, answering the call andbeing seen and playing big,
(04:47):
because this is not podcast andshows and everything.
This is not just entertainment,it's medicine.
It's medicine and that's so huge.
That's so huge, and so my firstquestion is if I've learned
anything on the spiritual path,it's whatever medicine we have
(05:09):
to give, it's because we'veingested it already first.
So how has this wholeexperience been medicine for you
first?
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Oh, what a gorgeous deep question.
Oh, what a gorgeous deepquestion.
It has helped in so many waysbecause my grief is not linear
as you know right, but I have tosay I've never grieved in this
(05:41):
way before.
It was very I was grievingbefore she was even gone.
I was grieving after.
But there is a different kind ofgrief and I think I've learned
that.
And this is going to sound soairy fairy, but I have to say it
this is the right place forwords but I think what it has
(06:12):
done for me is given me theconfidence in my own ability to
navigate my shit, Like beforeI'd be like I'm just, I'm just
on autopilot and I'm just in ahamster wheel of feelings and
this.
But I'm being.
I'm being very mindful of mygrief process and what it feels
like day to day, what it feelslike month to month, and it's
(06:33):
ever changing, but I'm alwaysthere for it.
And I think, if you can reallystop and clear out the noise and
sit within, like that placewithin yourself where you're
kind of watching yourself, butyou're inside yourself and that
sounds so, but that's how itfeels, like I'm sitting in a
chair inside of my body butwatching myself, and I've really
(06:55):
learned to stop and take amoment and be really accountable
for my own feelings and where Iam, even when I'm in the
hamster wheel so.
Molly has through this process,has shown me that I can quiet
myself when everything else ismoving very quickly and I don't
know if I had the tools to dothat as quickly and as
(07:16):
efficiently as I do now.
And I know that sounds a littleout there but like it's a deep
knowing of yourself becauseyou're being kind of ripped
apart so you can either just bein the chaos or you can find the
peace within that.
And I think she taught me howto do that and that's been
happening with my grief with her, and grief that you have for
one person kind of startsbubbling up the grief that you
(07:39):
have for other people.
So my grief around my dad, mygrief around people that I've
lost in the past, have beenbubbling up.
So, yeah, grief has been a real, a real eye opener for me.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
It's interesting that you say that you have other
things to compare it to.
How has it been the same ordifferent?
Because if you've walked thatroad before, then it's like you
kind of know the terrain alittle bit, like okay, yeah, I
know that it's not linear and Iknow that this is coming up, but
okay, yeah, I know that it'snot linear and I know that this
is coming up.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
But how is this one different?
Oh, that's good, the.
I think the difference isbecause I'm a little older and a
little wiser in my brains, alittle more developed in my
emotional capacities deepened,and you know, the saying is like
you can only meet someone asdeeply as you're willing to meet
yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
And I think at the time that Molly died.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I was really digging deep on my own time that Molly
died.
I was really digging deep on myown individually, and also she
was igniting me to dig deep aswell.
It was like she was a goodmirror of like hey, I'm dying
and you're living, so what areyou doing, right, like for
months on end, for four months,three and a half months straight
.
That's like bootcamp like lifebootcamp that's the best way to
(08:44):
describe it.
I hadn't thought of it that way, but it felt like life bootcamp
because I was going to thehospital over and over again and
I felt I was resistantsometimes to go and I felt like
I didn't know what that wasabout.
But now that we're having thisconversation I'm like I think it
was because I was forced toreally look life dead in the
(09:05):
eyes.
Yes, those are words that Idon't but like right in the eyes
.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I was forced to look at it.
Yeah, yeah, there's no way.
There is nowhere to run at thatpoint.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
No, right, and I was, oh my gosh, I was going through
so much personally and, yeah,but the grief with Molly feels
different.
You had asked because I'm.
So I'm working with her and Ifeel like she's really
spiritually with me and I canfeel her kind of getting growing
more and more distant over theyears.
Cause, that's what's how Ithink that's what happens with
(09:35):
souls.
This is just my like sort ofmade up version, is that like
they stay pretty close becausethere's that connection and then
, as time goes on, I feel likethere's just a movement that
happens that they get a littlemore distant from what grounded
them here on earth.
And so I felt Molly kind ofgrowing a little distant after
the five years.
But then the show came out andnow she's right back here, like
(09:55):
I can feel her right here again.
So I feel like I get, I'mworking with her, I feel like
she's with me very much.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
That's beautiful.
Did you have any conversationsbefore she passed about how that
evolution would happen betweenboth of you?
Yeah, yeah, what was that like?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Well, she was having some really interesting
experiences.
Some of them were a littleeerie and she couldn't tell if
she was hallucinating or on medsor if she was really having
experiences, but definitely Giveus the eerie, give us the eerie
, yeah, so she said to me.
Okay, right, I don't know ifI've said this because nobody's
asked.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Right Like you are yeah, that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
There was a time, she said, when the doctors came in
and two of the doctors in theirwhite coats were standing at the
edge of her bed.
Coats were standing at the edgeof her bed and she said she saw
these very tall, very darkcreatures standing behind the
doctors and she said they lookedeerie but they felt angelic and
(10:56):
she's like, and then I wonderedis our idea of what angels are
completely off Like?
Because we painted this pictureof what we think they look like
in our minds but she's like itwas a dark presence but it
didn't feel dark but the colorwas dark.
But she said the interestingpart was that the, these
creatures that kind of look likevery tall sort of human like,
(11:17):
but darker and long heads andlong arms and long fingers.
So they were standing therelike feeding information into
the doctors and I'm likeincredible what I said and she's
like I don't know if I wasmaking that up or hallucinating,
but like I kept looking behindthe doctor so much that the
doctors were turning around tosee what I was looking at.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Isn't that wild.
But she's like I felt like theywere getting the information
that they needed to help supportme, like there was just a
transference of somethinghappening.
Yeah, that completely tracks.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
I mean when people are waking up with psychic sight
.
That's how they start to seefigures before they have the
discernment of seeing what thisis and what that is.
It just shadows or likesomething out of the corner of
your eye so that completelytracks that she would have seen
just shadow or a dark figure,without like details being
colored in.
That's so cool.
(12:11):
And the fact that she was ableto feel into oh, they're kind
and benevolent and they're herefor their loving presence,
that's just validation thatthere's nothing to be afraid of.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
I think that's one thing that I learned.
I'm, of course, I'm very I'mafraid of losing people, yeah,
but I don't know if I am asafraid to die as I was before
going through this experiencewith Molly.
So I have a little bit of peaceabout that, which I think is
really special.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah, yeah.
Did you have what was yourspirituality like before, like
what was it like when you weregrowing up?
Did you have any experienceslike that before, or did this
kind of blast the door open foryou?
How was that for you?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I was raised with like in a religious, in a very
Catholic like.
I went to all girls Catholichigh school.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
We bonded over this.
That's right.
Yeah, we did, that's right.
Like I wore a uniform to school, I went to all girls.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Catholic high school.
Oh, we bonded over this, that'sright.
Yeah, we did, we did, that'sright.
I wore a uniform to school.
I went to church three times aweek and I always kind of I mean
no offense to religion itactually gave me structure.
It ignited my love for music.
I love being in a church, butorganized religion is just not
we're on the same page.
For me, spirituality, thoughI'm like leaning and tell me
(13:26):
more, give, yeah, give me moreand the fact that, like our tiny
little brains on earth, thinkthat we could somehow have it
all figured out.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I think it's so cute.
Yeah, cute little humans.
Oh, exactly, yeah, like you'retrying so hard and you're so
certain you're so certain,you're so certain and you think
everyone else is wrong.
Oh my gosh, exactly my love,and in fact I do.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
It's so funny.
I always say like I picturethem on the other side being
like look at them, they're sosweet.
I love that you articulated itthat way.
That was very funny becausethat's how I feel.
But I had a lot of you know,questions when I was growing up.
I was like wait a minute, waita minute.
So we believe this.
And I remember reading theBible and being like hold on a
(14:13):
second, so this means this here.
But then it said over here andit's contradictory and like so I
just had a lot of questions andso I kind of abandoned all of
it and found my own spiritualityand I think when my dad died, I
had a real feeling thatsomething was happening outside
of this realm in the room whenhe was dying.
What?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
year?
Was that to put perspective onthere?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Yeah, yeah, it was 2005 when my dad died.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
So, yeah, 20 years ago.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Yeah, oh gosh, that's wild.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Wait, 25.
Wait, hold on, I can't do math.
Yeah, we're in 25.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So 20 years ago.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I got you Together.
We have one brain.
It's good, it's fine, everyoneis fine.
Math is hard.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
So 20 years ago I felt like I was able to really
tap into something's going onhere, because when my dad died,
my mom was kind of standing overhim and I was with him, I had
the gift of being with him.
But my mom, when he died, mymom went and I was like I could
(15:19):
feel that something had gonethrough her and I felt it and I
saw it and she felt it and so Iwas like, okay, that's
undeniable.
And then I just leaned intolike meeting with psychics and
meeting with spiritual guru andI just loved it.
I loved meditation and I waslike there's no way that what
our tiny little brains thinks ispossible is really what's out
there.
(15:40):
So I'm so open and I I say godsometimes, sometimes I say the
universe.
It just depends on what kind ofmood I'm in.
But with Molly she was not veryreligious at all, she was
Jewish but didn't practiceJudaism, and we just always
connected on like humanity, likehumanity feels like my religion
(16:00):
like humans and souls andconnections.
So yeah, we were similar in thatway.
But growing up I definitely didnot have that understanding of
I get to decide.
I was told what I was supposedto believe and it took me a long
time to undo that.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that makes sense, butI always was like wait a second,
(16:22):
we're taking a piece of breadand you're going to give me wine
at the age of like nine.
I have questions.
I was like wait, I mean, I justknew something, felt I was like
this doesn't make sense to me,but I do love.
I love creating habits anddoing things that feel like Like
(16:43):
the rituals, rituals and whatthey, but they represent no
shade to anyone.
I just I'm talking in real timeabout what I was like pulling
apart as I was getting older.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
We are completely on the same page.
There was such a foundationthere.
Like, okay, you're telling me,god is love, god loves me, and
then you're turning around andsaying everyone that thinks like
this is a bad and evil.
I'm like, wait, but I feel soloved and I love others.
How can loving someone who isdifferent be wrong?
I have questions.
This feels wrong.
(17:14):
So, anyway, I'm glad we're onthe same page.
Yeah, 100%.
Oh, my gosh, and what you saidtoo, about you and Molly being
so connected spiritually througha human experience I mean that
you just spoke volumes in thatsentence, because I mean there
is nothing more spiritual thanto fully live, like to actually
(17:35):
let your soul express throughyour choices in your life.
Like what can?
What is possibly more spiritualthan that?
And there is nothing more humanthan to die, because everything
dies.
So it's like you can't escapethat paradigm, no matter what
you do.
It's not like you can actuallylike fuck this up and not be a
soul.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Right, right.
So that's such a beautiful wayof putting it.
I want that embroidered on apillow.
It can be a long sentence.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
It's going to be a really big pillow embroidered on
a pillow, and it can be a longsentence.
It's going to be a really bigpillow I got you.
I'll write it down somewhereand then you can have it
embroidered.
Oh my God, that's amazing.
Okay, so door opening wise.
It sounds like you're sayingthat your dad was the initial
door opener when you firstrealized, oh, something's
happening here and it'sinteresting that you mentioned
(18:25):
that that's in 2005, because mydoor opener wasn't a family
member, but it was my childhooddog who died in 2006.
So parallel experiences.
I was looking into his eyes ashe was passing and it was this
moment of like lights on, lightsoff, yeah, Like I can connect
with you.
And you went, went somewhereand I want to know where you
(18:46):
went.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Like I must know everything, yeah, and your body
is here, but your soul is likewhat happened?
What just happened?
Isn't that fascinating?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
to see that and I don't know that it's possible to
have an experience like thatand not have that door blown
open.
And not everybody chooses towalk through that door.
It's just an invitation likeokay, there's a whole other
world here that's available toyou if you want to walk through.
And I have this theory thatmany of us have a door opening
(19:18):
event where it's the invisiblestring of love that creates that
safety for your curiosity totake over.
Because if you grow up withexperiences and you're having
quote unquote scary things thatyou don't understand, it makes
sense that you're going to lockthat door or shut it fast, right
.
But if you have a loved onethat walks through and you know
(19:42):
that there's something more,then doesn't it make sense that
you feel safe in continuing thatrelationship?
Huh yeah yeah, yeah, you knowit's not like you're putting
yourself out there to pursuesomething scary.
You're putting yourself outthere to love more.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Right, that's so beautiful.
Yes, yes, right, so beautiful.
Yes, yes, it's interesting toothat you have had that was
locked.
It was, that door was, uh,burst open by your dog, and I do
believe that they are here toteach us that lesson and to just
kind of crack us open a littlebit.
And, um, it's interesting youmentioned that because um two
years ago, my, my dog, my giantSt Bernard, passed away and I
(20:24):
was so present for her passingbecause of what I had gone
through with my dad and becauseof what I had gone through with
Molly, and you know, of course,that there are a couple of
things I wished I would havedone different, like you just go
.
Oh, she was laying, she was huge, she was, like, you know, 150
pound dog.
She was on me but I wanted tolook into her eyes, but I didn't
want to pull my body out fromunderneath her because she was
(20:46):
so comfortable and so I didn'tget to look at her, but I could
see her peripherally.
I wish I would have just beenright there, in front of her
face, just right there.
But there was that moment thatyou say, syl, where it's like
they're there, their soul isthere, and all of a sudden,
sudden, it's just, there's ashift and you feel what happens
(21:10):
in that moment.
Where do we go?
What do we do?
What is the portal?
What is it like?
I am so completely fascinatedby this that I can go down the
rabbit hole.
I look at people that have hadnear-death experiences.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Same.
I'm obsessed with those onYouTube.
Have you binged all thiscontent, like me?
Yes, yes.
And they're the fact thatthey're all so similar,
consistent the same, no matterwhat age they are, what
background, what religion, it'sthe same.
I know I got chills, I know Ilove that stuff so good.
I know I love that stuff sogood.
(21:48):
So it's so comforting thenbecause, okay, if we have this
foundation of like this is thereality that we're living in, at
least right, then everythingthat's happening now gets to be
kind of I don't know if the wordis cocooned, but kind of
sheltered by this understandingof everything.
And I mean without that cushion, I feel like everything here is
(22:09):
just so much scarier, so muchharder, so much.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Yeah, the stakes just feel incredibly high all the
time.
Yeah, but there there issomething after you've
experienced.
Okay, so this, this I'm so gladyou're bringing this up,
because the reason that I wantpeople to have conversations
about death, first of all, it'sthe one thing that's going to
happen to all of us.
So why are we avoiding?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
it.
You can't get out of this placealive.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Exactly Right.
And then the second thing is Ido think when you get over that
initial uncomfortable feeling oftalking about death or what you
want your death to look like,if you're lucky enough to be
able to walk someone home or tonavigate that for yourself or
someone else, it's such a giftLike.
Once you get over thatuncomfortable part, like it's,
then the conversation becomesjust really deeply connected and
(22:57):
you're like talking about thethings that no one talked about
and you're kind of in thislittle like bubble together
Right and I love that and Ithink if you can get over that
uncomfortable part and get tothe, the others, the other stuff
, then the ability to haveintimacy with somebody, it's on
a different level, it really is.
So I just encourage anyone whohasn't had that conversation, if
(23:20):
they feel safe in therelationship and they feel like
they're not too afraid it's notgoing to trigger like a panic
attack or something like, please, I say, lean into those
conversations with your friendsand family.
I did it with Molly and I'm so,so glad I did.
I mean we came up with a dealthat she was going to come visit
me, but it wasn't going to becreepy.
And then there was one nightwhere it was creepy and I was
like you are crossing the line.
(23:41):
You are crossing the line.
You remember our rules.
What does she do?
Can I tell you what you'regoing to?
Please?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
tell me.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I'm in bed sleeping, my husband is sleeping next to
me.
Molly and my husband oddlylooked a little bit alike.
They had very similar featuresblonde hair, very cute.
I'm getting up to go to thebathroom and I'm I'm assuming my
(24:12):
husband is next to me rightSleeping, and I walk by the
bathroom and I see him on thetoilet and I'm like, oh, he's in
the bathroom.
So I went to the other bathroomto use it and when I came back
he was still in bed, sleeping.
So I was like am I having a?
Am I in a different universehere?
(24:33):
And so I realized it was hersitting on the toilet, hanging
out in the bathroom to give me ahello or something.
And I thought it was him.
But it wasn't him, because itwas so jarring.
I got into bed, I lifted thecovers up to my neck and I don't
even know if I'm describing thestory correctly, but what I can
tell you is that I just assumedit was him and I don't know how
(24:56):
he had gotten into the bathroom, because who else would?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
have been sitting on the toilet.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
That's the perfect way of putting it, thank you.
And I realized it was her and Iwas like, hey, I'm terrified
and that was the one and onlytime she did it.
But she's come around, like myphone will just dial her number
out of the blue.
The other day I was sitting atlunch with my really good friend
, tara, and the coffee saucerjust started sliding across the
table while we were talkingabout Molly.
(25:21):
I mean, we were both like so Ithink she's definitely around
and I feel her, but I don't knowif I would have been as open to
really taking those moments inif I wouldn't have really been
mindful with her about talkingabout those things before she
died and how we were going tonavigate that together.
(25:41):
And she did say like I want tomeet your dad when I cross over
and I can't wait to like holdhis hand and talk about how much
we love you and like we werereally.
We talked about it a lot.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yeah, it was really, really sweet to be able to like
talk with her about she was alittle afraid.
I think there was a part of herthat's like I'm afraid to take
my last breath, I'm afraid it'sgoing to feel hard and be scary.
And then when she decided to gothrough sedation which I think
was really helpful for her tocalm her down and get her into a
(26:16):
place where she could kind ofnavigate her spiritual crossing
over where she wasn't sofear-based, that's when she came
to me and woke me up in themiddle of the night so I could
wake up for her last breath.
And so the fact that she didthat how did she?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
come to you.
Did you have a dream?
Did she wait, like how?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
did that go?
Okay, I love that.
I love that I get to talk aboutthis.
I'm here for it.
Molly was in the hospital, Idecided to go see my husband
play in his band that night.
I'm at the band gig.
Um, this man comes up to mytable and says hello, my name is
Robert.
And I'm like hello, robert.
And he's like I am a psychicmedium and I just wanted to let
you know that Molly is here.
(26:54):
She's right next to me andshe's talking to you and I'm
like well, you didn't say Molly.
He said your friend, you have afriend that's ill.
And I said yes, and he goes,she's here and she's giving me.
And I said absolutely.
And he said she wants you tostay over.
(27:14):
And I was like, okay, the nightgoes on.
I go to the hospital the nextday.
We decide that Molly wants todo sedation.
It's a Monday.
She gets sedated.
It's Tuesday, it's Wednesday.
Wednesday night comes and we'reall sort of around her bed
rallying and giving her love andshe's completely sedated and
her breathing is definitelyshifting.
And I said I think I want to gohome for a few hours, maybe
(27:36):
come back later.
And her mom said wait, wait,can you stay over?
And I was like, yes, chills,exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yes, I can stay over.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
First of all, it's a very specific way of saying can,
yes, I can stay over which?
First of all, it's a veryspecific way of saying can you
spend the night?
Like can you stay over?
And I was like Word for word,yeah, Went home, packed my bags,
came back I had never spent thenight at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Really, it was always my mom that was there.
I had never stayed overnight.
That was the first night.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Yes, it was the first and only night I stayed in the
hospital, oh my gosh, becauseher mom was there.
Yeah, so having two people in ahospice room was too much, it's
a lot.
Yeah, yeah, and I needed abreak.
Yeah, no for sure, yeah, right.
But like looking back, I'm like, oh, I never did stay over,
that's right, I never spent thenight.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
No, but that's just more like from my perspective.
That's just so incredible thatthat was the night Like.
What a validation of what youexperienced to have that be the
night I know Wow.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
So I stayed over.
I actually was in the waitingroom talking to my husband.
I said I think I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go into
the room, and there was nowherefor me to sleep.
So her mom was on the cot nextto her and I pulled up like one
of those giant reclining chairsthat weighed like 700 pounds.
That are awful and you can't getcomfortable in, Turned off the
lights, laid next to her,reclined the chair so that I was
(28:56):
facing her and I put my hand onher, like the bottom of her leg
, and fell asleep really, reallyhard because I was exhausted.
I fell asleep for, maybebecause I paid attention to the
it was like 1145, 1150.
And I fell asleep for what feltlike a hundred hours and it was
like nine minutes.
(29:16):
But my hand was on her leg andI felt what I thought was a
nurse tapping my finger to wakeme up and I wake up and the room
is empty.
There's no nurse there.
Molly's sleeping and breathingvery slowly and her mother is
fast asleep next to her.
So I felt that tapping.
(29:38):
I woke up and I thought oh mygosh.
And then I thought, oh, thatwas her.
So I stood up and I put my handon her chest and my other hand
right on her head and I justsaid I'm here and I got you.
And she took one breath in likea, and it felt like minutes
(29:58):
went by and then I heard herexhale and I waited and I waited
and that was it.
I was there for her finalbreath.
It was so powerful, it was sobeautiful and I think she woke
me up to tell me like I'm here,I need you, like please stand up
(30:22):
.
But the fact that she tapped myfingers so intentionally
underneath my hand, the fingerswere like tap, tap, tap, tap,
it's like it's go time baby.
It's go time, yeah.
So I just feel like, eventhough the grief is intense and
the losing her is so hard, Ijust feel like what I've gained
in this process is just out ofthis world.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Literally right, literally.
Oh my God, yeah, what atestament to your soulmate
relationship.
That's a soulmate, I know.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
I know she always used to call me her soulmate and
I was like stop being sodramatic, oh, well, in your face
, she's still calling you asoulmate, so there.
And my husband's.
Like she really is yoursoulmate.
She's working through you andyour soul, Like you guys are
soul souls working together.
Yes, yes, still working on thisproject together.
So, yeah, it was pretty.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
Yeah, Amazing.
I mean, okay, there's different, you know, experiences that
people have when they pass awayRight and and many people choose
to do it when there's no onearound.
What I've read what I'vestudied is.
It's very intentional the waythat you leave, and so to be
chosen, truly to be chosen to bethere in that moment, so much
(31:41):
so that's so vulnerable.
It's like it's like birth,death and orgasms in between.
That's.
That's as vulnerable as you getright.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
You just nailed dying for sex.
That's pretty much how it went.
That's what I'm saying, girl,that's what I'm saying.
Yes, you nailed it.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
So you're soulmates, you're still working together.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yeah, do you feel her when you're doing interviews?
Do you feel her on set?
Do you feel her?
What was, what was?
Tell me the magic that you feltaround like pre-production,
production and now gettingeverything out into the world.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I.
I think I was so nervous and socaught up during pre-production
time because I I I'd never beenan executive producer.
It was new for me.
I was trying to be included asmuch as I could and be a part of
it, without being like there'sa certain kind of walking on
eggshells that can happen whenthe person who created the
(32:40):
original content is in the room.
And I think very early on I hadto create such a bond with my
showrunners, kim Rosenstock andLiz Merriweather, where I could
say such a bond with myshowrunners, kim Rosenstock and
Liz Merriweather, that where Icould say you talk about me like
I'm not here, talk about thislike I'm not, like you can dive
in creatively without having toworry about my feelings.
Don't worry if I cry becausethat's my love language, don't
(33:03):
worry if it seems uncomfortable,like I want to serve the
greater purpose and so veryincredible humility Like that's
hard.
I just trusted it.
I.
But thank you for saying that.
I just didn't want to muck uphow Molly was coming through
them, right, Like I wanted herto be able to come through them
as well.
(33:23):
And, Michelle, when I've spokento Michelle Michelle Williams,
who plays Molly in the show, shefelt Molly coming through her
as well.
Molly was so busy workingthrough everyone so I felt very
included and very a part of it.
But it was still very new forme, Like my, my inadequacies
were like I was feeling themtenfold Once I got on set.
(33:44):
I felt really good Once theshow was finished and I was
watching the rough cuts.
That's when the grief kicked in, Cause I was like, oh, I'm
going to really have to let goof her, Right, Like, really let
go.
And um, when I watched theseries, I watched the last
episode in my bed with myhusband and I just remember the
the cry that came out of me.
(34:04):
It was kind of the same cry thathappened after she died and I
remember thinking oh, this is asecond version of a death.
But then I woke up the next dayand here I am doing interviews
and talking about her.
So she keeps becoming a rebornversion of herself with each
year that passes.
So I don't know if she'll everleave my soul because she's just
(34:26):
so deeply within me and I'mtalking about her and living
with her so much.
And so I don't even rememberwhat the original question was,
but it was like just like, yeah,I feel her so deeply in every
phase of all of this.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
But what was the question Basically, the magic
around the different stages ofit, I mean, yeah, was it?
Did you find that things thatmight've been kind of 3d harder
to line up were easier?
With her working behind thescenes on it, Like yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Yes, because I felt like when things would get muddy
or we would be like, what do wedo with this?
How do we do it?
This way, I just trusted that,with Molly working through us
and with all these amazingcreative minds, that it just
needed to.
You need to just be patient andgive things a process.
Let things be uncomfortable fora minute, let it kind of
(35:22):
marinate let people get.
Yeah, let it breathe.
And I learned that Molly taughtshe was very, very smart and
very emotionally intelligent andvery patient, and I learned
that from her.
Oh it's 11, 11.
Oh, it is 11, 11.
I just looked up right at my Idon't know why.
I looked at my clock but, yes,I felt Molly a lot being like
it's okay, it's okay, you don'thave to fight it, like you don't
(35:44):
have to fight for me anymore,like it's okay, cause I'm a
fighter, I will fight for myfeelings, I'll fight for my
friends.
And I just felt a calmness andwhen things felt uncomfortable,
I knew that it was just part ofthe process and that was really
great lesson for me.
But she was around.
I felt her magic all around andthe fact that Michelle felt her
as well was really just abeautiful reminder that like she
(36:10):
was with everyone, I mean evenmy production designer.
He called me and said I knowit's set in New York and Molly
lived in LA but she was born inNew York and I want to
incorporate things that sheloved in the place that
Michelle's Molly's apartmentwill be.
And I sent him photos of thefurniture that she had and art
(36:32):
that she liked and he said Ithought you said you had some of
her artwork as a little girland I said I do, and he printed
it and put it in.
So there's little Easter eggsin the show of Molly's artwork
from her childhood.
She was actually a really greatpainter when she was very
abstract art but like so aheadof her time and so there's some
artwork in the show that isactually Molly's existing.
(36:54):
I know so, like everyone wasjust so in tune with her so she
was working through everyone onthat set.
I felt it so deeply.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Oh, that's just incredible.
That's incredible and that justthat soulmate vibe, I feel
magnetizes our people righttowards us, right.
So now you have Michelle, youhave Jenny in this new chapter.
I mean, I feel, when you'replaying someone that actually
exists, you're bonded for lifeLike this, is it?
Speaker 2 (37:22):
This is just I love that you said that.
Right, I love her Like there'sa love that is.
And she gave me this littlebeautiful necklace that says
Nikki on it.
It's a gold heart that she worein the show for the first three
episodes and she gave it to meat the end and she was like I
want to be close to your heartforever.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
So wear this.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
And so I love her.
Like I can't wait to see hernext week at the Gotham awards.
We're going going and I cannotwait to be in the presence of
her and hug her and just be nearher.
I love her.
And Michelle, like there's thisweird thing I feel around
Michelle.
Like when I said goodbye to herat the premiere and I hugged
her, I was like there was agrief in letting go of Michelle,
(38:04):
like I was like and then sheleft me this beautiful voicemail
.
And I remember thinking like.
I feel like that's a littlesliver of Molly that I have in
Michelle.
It is.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, I cannot believe how powerful Molly is.
First of all, are you kiddingme?
And how well she's been takingcare of you.
She's literally lining up yourpeople, like, okay, I may not be
here in the 3D, but I got somereally amazing people that are
going to carry the torch forward.
What a beautiful person.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
She was just in the kitchen shoving eggs in my face
before I came on to talk withyou and I looked at my husband
and I go can you believe her?
And he was like he startscrying.
And then I start crying.
I'm like, look at her, her tinylittle life, her tiny little,
sweet little life, because shewas so willing to crack herself
(38:59):
open and share and, I think,teach people through her death
of what life can feel like that.
The ripple effect of her is soprofound and so beautiful.
And I'm like talk about leavingyour mark.
Yes, yeah, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Well, to bring that back to her courageous choices,
to double down on what she washere to experience and what she
wasn't going to miss out on yeah, the courage that takes.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
I mean, you know she was a very fearful little girl
because of the sexual traumathat happened to her.
I think she was a fearful womanin her 20s as well and I think
the cancer diagnosis was a realshift for her of like, wait a
second, I don't have a lot oftime and I want to figure this
(39:49):
out.
And she chose sexual adventuresto do that.
But what's interesting ispeople.
You know there've been a fewcomments which I think are so
funny.
I love people that troll andleave mean comments.
They're my favorite.
I'm so glad you feel that way.
I love it.
They're like really great,leave your husband and go on a
journey of fucking around.
That's a real way to.
(40:09):
And I was like oh, that's whatyou projection, projection.
projection I was like is someoneafraid that Jerry's going to
leave her?
Like.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Oh my God, get over yourself, Linda.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
But I was like um.
I mean, I really think her namewas Linda but, Linda's are
amazing.
I love that, lindas are amazing, I love them.
But she said, you know, she hadthis, this feeling, and I didn't
respond to it but I thought,gosh, if that's what she's
getting out of molly's journey,that's this.
So you know, it's so uh,surface.
Because I do think molly'sdesire to be connected to her
(40:43):
body, be connected to herpleasure and not feel shame
around her, accepting otherpeople for their kinks and
fetishes and their trauma thatthey have gone through as well,
there's a really deep connectionshe had with every almost I
wouldn't say every the majorityof the men that she had
relationships with.
But I think what's reallyimportant, sylvia, to point out,
is that, yes, she was deepeningher relationship with sex, but
(41:07):
she was also deepening herrelationship with herself and
she said, yeah, I really want tofall in love.
I want to fall in love, and shedid.
And she fell so deeply in lovewith herself.
She got to that point where shewas like I really love myself
and I'm so proud of my body andlook, look what I did.
And I'm like, yes, you did it.
You did it.
So she had that before she died.
(41:29):
She knew.
I think she got it for herself.
Speaker 1 (41:32):
I mean, I feel we all choose our medicine, we all
choose our pathway to that sameendpoint.
Like this whole journey trulyis unlearning the human side of
what we've been taught,questioning what this all means,
figuring out who we really areand what we're here to do, and
just letting ourselves be thatand experience that.
(41:53):
I mean.
Isn't that the whole point?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
I love that.
You just said that we'reunlearning the human side of
ourselves that's so powerful weare.
That's what we're activelydoing and trying to tap into the
bigger meaning, the biggerpurpose and the bigger
connection.
I mean, you know, when you walkby someone on the street and
you see them and you feelsomething for them, you're like
a stranger and you're like whatis that?
(42:16):
And that's the spiritualconnection.
I do believe that souls go inand out of different bodies at
different times and we've allknown each other in different
versions of time.
And one thing Molly said to mewhen she was dying she was like
I know now that time is notlinear.
I know it Like I can feel thatit is not linear.
(42:37):
And I was like what does itfeel like?
And she's like like I'meverywhere, but I'm also right
here and.
I'm like what Tell me more.
And so one of the the coolthings that I learned from
watching her die, which sounds Iknow it sounds a little like,
but it was- not for this show,yeah.
It was.
It was so cool to watch her gothrough.
(42:58):
This was, watching her, um, uh,learn those lessons in real
time for herself, like, oh, thisis this, is this.
I'm here, but I'm also a lot ofother places.
I feel like, and I was like, ohmy gosh, I and you know she'd
get really tired and I thinkshe'd get exhausted.
She was also writing her bookwhile she was dying as well.
(43:19):
So we had lots of lots ofreally interesting chats and
then we'd laugh and make fun ofthings and be you know, go on
Bumble and Hinge and look at theyou know the guys that were
still trying to connect with her.
We would laugh about it youknow and have fun.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
And then you mentioned that she had visitors
in the hospital too.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
I mean, oh yeah, she's so fun.
She had some.
It was before she was in thehospital at the very end, but it
was.
It was when she was pretty sick.
She was, I mean, she was hookedup to an IV.
She was there for two or threedays and she did have a visitor
come in and they got a littlefrisky and the nurses knew to
kind of like give her her space,which is also sort of depicted
in the TV show as well with RobDelaney and Michelle Williams so
beautifully shot.
But I ended up interviewing thatspecific guy on our podcast and
(44:07):
I had judgment about him.
I was like, who goes to ahospital to like, hook up with
the sick girl?
Like I had judgment and I gotto talk to him on the podcast
and it was so different and somuch more beautiful than what I
had had conjured up in my mind.
So it was a good lesson for meof like don't make judgment
about other people's journeysthrough whatever they're going
(44:29):
through.
Like just let it, let it be andlet it unfold.
And it actually made her feelvery alive and she wanted it,
she was excited about it, but hewas very distraught by her
passing and loved her very much.
I mean, he was polyamorous, sohe believed in many loves and he
wasn't able to give Molly therelationship that I think maybe
she sort of secretly craved, buthe loved her deeply and was
(44:52):
very distraught by her passing,which is something I didn't
anticipate or know until I goton the phone with him and talked
about it with him.
This was after Molly hadactually died, so I was still
learning about her even aftershe passed.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
So such a cool reminder this whole experience
is such a time release medicine.
I feel like you have thisexperience once, but it like
diverges, like a like a infinitetesseract of some kind of like.
Okay, well, now you're going tolearn this, and now you're
going to see this, now you'regoing to meet with that, and
then I mean just what?
Speaker 2 (45:23):
I know.
That's incredible, molly wouldalways say I just want to be the
most important person in yourlife, that's all I want.
And I'd be like, well, that'sridiculous.
And now I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Yeah, I get it, that bitch.
Speaker 2 (45:32):
She is the most important.
I mean like everything I do isunder the umbrella of her, her
creative force in this world,and also, like I always say to
myself, like what would Molly do?
What would Molly do?
Speaker 1 (45:45):
I just carry her with me.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And I think other people are starting to carry her
.
I got a DM yesterday and I'llkeep this human anonymous and
not even divulging theinformation.
But this person expressed howthey were very much struggling
and didn't tap into theiremotions, but episode six of the
podcast it sort of unleashed anemotion in them that they
(46:11):
didn't think they had and thatthey had been feeling taunted by
the idea of self-harm and nottaking care of themselves and
that this episode of the podcastshifted them deeply and that
they're going to start gettingthe help that they need.
And this person said you maynot have been able to save Molly
(46:32):
, oh my gosh.
She somehow saved me and thisperson was just telling me this,
and I'm going back and forthwith this person and I was just
like Molly, you are justchanging the world and I'm so
impressed by your ability to bein people, in, in, in people,
(46:53):
that she's in them, you know,and so that's just but you're
also the representative holdingthat energy because she, if you
weren't here, available and opento do this teamwork thing that
you both signed up to do, thenshe wouldn't be able to have the
impact she's having now.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So, thank you, thanks for saying I.
I noticed in your bio, whichwas extensive, by the way, like,
excuse me, is it who me?
Who is this amazing person I'mtalking to right now?
Excuse me, but like so, youmentioned that you volunteer for
the suicide hotline, right?
So it's like you, you holdspace for that energy, you do
know how to go there and you doknow how to be the light in that
(47:29):
moment.
And I don't believe in mistakesand coincidences, I believe in
the timing is the best andhighest good.
You made this podcast, you madethe two podcasts and then you
made the show, and it just livesout there for people to find
exactly when they need it and tobe open to being used.
In that way, it's like you showup for the moment, you show up
(47:53):
for what feels right in thatmoment and then you release it
and you don't know how it'sgoing to be used.
You don't know how you're goingto be used.
Speaker 2 (48:03):
That's such a nice reminder.
Thanks for saying that.
Yeah, you don't know, you don't.
You just have to be likewilling, a willing participant
in all of it.
I feel like I am.
I don't think I've beenresistant.
I can be a real assholesometimes, but I think I really
I love that for you.
(48:24):
Yeah, and Molly was really goodat protecting her magic and
setting boundaries and I was.
I learned that from her.
I learned a lot from her, mygosh, my gosh and I still am.
I think we all are.
I just love you for beingwilling to have you know.
I've done a lot of press andI've done a lot of talking about
the show and the podcast andI'll do it until I'm blue in the
(48:46):
face.
It's my favorite thing to talkabout.
But this interview has been so,uh, spiritually, it was a.
It brought me back to centerand reminded me of why I'm doing
this and what this is reallyreally about.
Thank you, thank you, thank youso much, like it's been.
I haven't thought about any ofit in this way, in a in a
(49:10):
participatory way.
I don't think in a long time.
So thank you.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
I'm just calling what .
I'm seeing, and you need to berefilled too, because you're
doing a lot.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
Do you know what's funny?
Is it like you'd think I'd want?
Like, after all of this, I'mlike you'd think I'd want like
some spiritual guidance, or I'dwant like a retreat, or to go to
some beautiful place.
I want to lay in my bed andwatch really bad reality TV and
drink soda and eat Doritos.
That's what I want to do.
Yeah, yeah, why not?
I think that's what I'm goingto do tomorrow.
(49:44):
I haven't done that in monthsand and it was so funny because
I remember it's so funny oh myGod, I remember I worked really
I'm just a hard worker and Mollywould always be like, why are
you like, why don't you giveyourself some time to just
recharge?
And I would always judge whatmy recharging looked like.
And now I don't judge itanymore.
I'm like bed, some version ofhousewives, some version of
(50:07):
Doritos whether it's cool ranchor the regular traditional kind
and a Coke Zero with a ton ofice, like that is heaven.
What is yours, what is yourguilty?
Guilty like deep, like nasty,doesn't look pretty soulful
thing that you do.
That's like kind of cheesy.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
I mean it's snacks in bed, with all the crumbs
everywhere it's having.
Like whatever drinks I'mdrinking, like just accumulating
on the nightstand.
Yes, Okay.
I mean I have a kid, so likewhenever I do get to sleep in,
it's like amazing.
So good To sleep.
Sleep, yeah, mainly sleephonestly.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
I like that.
It kind of is in the same fontas mine.
Oh yeah, it's not that far off.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yeah Well, I feel like when you're giving so much,
the output is so high.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
You have to go back to the absolute basics to pour
back in.
My ask is not big.
I don't need a lot, I just needa little bit.
Just need a little something,something that's so funny.
Speaker 2 (51:11):
Some greasy ass chips .
Yes, and my phone is not likemy phone's on so I can scroll
TikTok and all the stupid things, but like my email is somehow
disabled so I can't check myemails.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
Yeah, no, no email, I don't want to do that.
No connecting to anyone else.
I don't want to give anyonelike nothing, nothing for anyone
else, just me.
What do I want anyone to likenothing, nothing for anyone else
, just me.
Speaker 2 (51:32):
What do I want?
Oh, my God, you've justinspired me.
I think I have a couple ofmeetings tomorrow morning and I
have like four hours and likeI've just been going going and I
think I'm just going to lay inmy bed and eat snacks and think
of and think of you and Mollyand be like listen, we're in
this together.
We all have to stop and eatsnacks in bed.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
We do Cause.
What else are we going to do?
What are we even doing here?
Come on, it's time for somesnacks.
Everything else we could dolater, wait.
What's your favorite snack?
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Popcorn.
It is popcorn.
Yeah, Now do you make thepopcorn, or do you just buy a
bag of popcorn?
Oh no, I make it.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
A little butter, a little salt.
A lot of butter, a lot of salt.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Okay, a lot of butter , a lot of salt.
Okay, can I tell you this onething really quick, please do so
.
When Molly and I were recordingDying for Sex, we came up with
a segment at the end of theoriginal podcast that was never
really released, because when Iwould text, voice text, molly
hey, I want to get together, Iwant to talk about Dying for Sex
with you it would voice textand hear me say Diane for snacks
.
So we started calling it Dianefor snacks.
So we came up with a segment atthe end of our show called
(52:38):
Diane for snacks, which makes nosense to anybody else but us.
And it would be hey, what areyou eating this week?
And Molly would always be likeI'm on chemotherapy, I'm
nauseous, I'm not eatinganything, but thanks for asking.
Or she'd be like Jell-O I ateJous.
I'm not eating anything, butthanks for asking.
Yeah, like right, like that.
Or she'd be like jello I atejello this week.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
You're jealous.
Speaker 2 (52:55):
Exactly, and then I would go on with all the stupid
shit that I was eating, but weso.
I think it's very funny thatwe're we're ending our
conversation talking.
Speaker 1 (53:04):
It's almost like she's hanging out in the room
with us.
Oh my God, I love that so much.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
I do, I do, I love that Diane for snacks.
Speaker 1 (53:16):
I will Diane for snacks any day of the week with
you, my friend Same girl.
I'll bring you popcorn.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
I will shove that popcorn directly into your mouth
, hell to the yes, please Anyday, oh my gosh, I love you so
much, thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Thank you for dropping in with me.
This is like my favorite thingto do.
Speaker 2 (53:35):
I love what you're putting out into the world and I
know that the work that you'redoing because I know it's a
grind sometimes because you'rethere's a deep desire for
connection, right, and thatdoesn't just happen magically.
You have to, like, make a planand you are making your plan and
(53:55):
you're making your podcast andyou're connecting with people on
a really deep level and that'swhat makes this life feel good.
So, thanks for being like partof what makes life feel really
good, right now.
I love you.
Speaker 1 (54:07):
Thank you.
I love you To all of uslightworkers.
We're holding the light in areally dark time and it's time
to fucking show up, right.
Speaker 2 (54:17):
For yourself and for each other.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
So get it together, elf, first Get your shit
together.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Yeah, get your shit together with love and then go
give that shit to other people.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
This is life advice according to us.
I love it.
I love it.
We'll send you an invoice later.
It's great, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
Oh my God, I know I'm looking at my.
You know I joked earlier aboutour embroidered pillow.
My friend Katie gave me this,this embroidery.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
What does it say?
No, it's all blurry on my end.
What is it?
Oh my God, I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (54:45):
It says something really crass and horrible it
says suck a dick, suck a dick.
Speaker 1 (54:48):
It says suck a dick.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
It says suck a dick.
But I don't really mean I don'thave a dick and I don't want
you to suck it.
But if I feel like I need tolike say back off or like even
to my thoughts, like usually I'msaying suck a dick to my
thoughts.
So don't be afraid to tell yourthoughts to suck a dick.
Speaker 1 (55:01):
I love that.
I saw a TikTok the other day.
That was like not today, becky.
Same energy.
Suck a dick, becky.
100%.
Speaker 2 (55:11):
Yours is just a little nicer.
Speaker 1 (55:12):
Well, yours was really nice too, because there's
little embroidery.
The little font and thedecorations it's neat, but the
message has some um to it, right, yeah, embroidered.
Speaker 2 (55:23):
I can't imagine on Etsy what the woman said when my
friend Katie was like, hey,could you embroider, suck a dick
with flowers on a?
Yeah, the woman was probablylike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
There are many people who make some off-color
beautiful things on purpose, soI feel like those are just our
people and we just need to takeover the world already so that
we can just have more fun andhave boundaries.
That's it.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
You are just like just magical, and the day I met
you I just I don't know I fellin love.
And we haven't reallycommunicated in person, but
there's just a soul connection Ifeel that I'm so grateful for
you.
So back at you, back at you.
Speaker 1 (56:03):
Thanks for hanging.
I'm going to let you go and beyour famous amazing self.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
Lord.
Speaker 1 (56:10):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (56:11):
I okay, Soon, let's do this again soon, maybe in
person, with snacks.
Speaker 1 (56:15):
We'll be we can and some drinks together, it'll be
great I love you, love you byeas we close, I just want to
dedicate this episode to my momand to soul sisterhood.
As dying for sex premiered, mymom was spending her days being
with her best friend of over 40years, while she was in hospice
(56:35):
and with a kid's school scheduleand spring break, I wasn't even
able to watch Nikki's showuntil a few days after my mom's
friend passed away.
And now, less than a monthlater, my mom is halfway around
the world caring for yet anothersoul sister with dementia.
So thank you, mom, for showingme what it means to be there for
your people, and thank you tothe sisters, the special ones
(56:59):
you're gifted by blood and theones that the universe drops in
your path, the ones that get it,roll up their sleeves with you,
make you laugh in the darkestof times, let you be messy,
protect your life with theirsand have your back when anyone,
including the Becky inside yourown head, tries to tear you down
(57:20):
.
And look, my mom's calling meright now.
What are we psychic?
So send this episode to yoursoul sisters while I go talk to
my mom.
Thank you for listening to SoulLevel Human.
If this episode moved somethingin you, share it, text it to a
friend, post to your stories.
The Soul Level Revolutionspreads one brave human at a
(57:41):
time and your voice makes adifference.
So until next time, remember toslow down, tune in, trust your
guidance and keep having theaudacity to choose the highest
timeline.
When you show up fully, yougive others permission to do the
same.
Make this the timeline whereyou show up.
Next up on Soul Level , Human, it's like birth, death
and orgasms in between.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That's as vulnerable as you get right, you just
nailed dying for sex.
That's pretty much how it went.
That's what I'm saying, girl,that's what I'm saying.
Yes, you nailed it.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I am not the same after watching this show.
This is something that I willthink about for the rest of my
life.
Oh my God.
That is such a common responsethat I came across over and over
and over again too, and I justwant to acknowledge you, because
this is not the podcast andshows and everything.
This is not just entertainment.
(00:35):
That's medicine, that'smedicine.
You didn't come here to playsafe.
You came to remember your powerand build what comes next.
I'm Sylvia Beatriz, psychicmedium and intuition coach, and
this is Soul Level Human, thepodcast for truth tellers, cycle
breakers and soul-ledrevolutionaries.
You didn't come here to bypassthe chaos.
(00:56):
You came here to lead throughit.
Nikki Boyer is one of thosepeople you instantly feel at
home with and I did, since wemet at a photo shoot with my
husband Adam back in our phototeam days over 10 years ago.
Nikki's an Emmy award-winninghost, actress and producer and
(01:17):
the creator of Dying for Sex,the wondery podcast that won
podcast of the year and was justadapted into the hit FX series
starring Michelle Williams andJenny Slate.
The show is based on Nikki'sreal-life soulmate and best
friend, molly, and the wild,beautiful, hilarious and
heartbreaking journey theywalked together as Molly faced a
(01:40):
terminal diagnosis.
In this episode, we talk aboutgrief faced a terminal diagnosis
.
In this episode, we talk aboutgrief, soulmates, signs from the
other side and how love doesn'tend.
It just changes shape.
Let's get into it.
Nikki Boyer, thank you forcoming on the show.
I'm so happy to see you, oh mygosh.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Any chance to get to spend time with you is like such
a bonus, and so thank you forgiving me a space to come and
share and just be girls together.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
That's my favorite thing and I know that if we got
together in person, we would betalking for an entire weekend
retreat.
We have so much to talk about.
I'm just going to take us therereal quick, like okay.
First of all, when we met, wemet at a photo shoot.
Adam and I were shooting withyou and we just spent the entire
day together, and the way thatwe used to work was like hyper
(02:30):
speed soul connection in thefirst five minutes, right.
So I feel like we've alreadyspent lifetimes together and
this is the perfect extension ofthat, right.
Like a decade and a half later,here we go, let's drop in again
.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
You.
I have to say one of myfavorite memories of you, oh my
God, I just I fell in love withyou instantly.
First of all, you're going intoa photo shoot.
You don't know what to expect.
You're feeling a littlevulnerable, like am I cute
enough, am I good enough?
You know all those, those likeinvasive thoughts.
Yeah, exactly.
And I remember we were gettingdressed and I was coming up with
this cute little you know likeshould I wear this dress?
(03:06):
And you said wait, wait, I havethe perfect shoes.
And you came in and you let mewear your shoes for the photo
shoot and I thought that's like,you're there, you want me to
feel good, and you let me borrowyour shoes, your personal shoes
, and I was just like and thiswas after like maybe 15, 20
minutes of knowing each otherand I was like I, this human, is
(03:26):
a good soul like a good soulwho's here to support and love
and make, make me feel good.
And I, just from that moment on,I just was like those two
people, you and your husband.
I was just like this is I don'tknow.
This feels nice.
This feels really good.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
And we're locked in forever.
We're done.
Okay, great, perfect, yeah, Ijust love you.
Okay, let me, let me make yousquirm a little bit, because I
need to be a mirror for you toreflect back to you the amazing
impact that you, your presenceand all of the things that
you're doing or having in theworld.
Okay, you're ready?
Okay, okay, I'm buckling up.
I was scrolling on TikTok lastnight for a good hour, just like
(04:01):
seeing what people are sayingabout your show.
Okay, and the two main thingsthat I found these are the two
main through lines that arerepeated over and over.
Amanda Butler says I was dyingcrying and two seconds later,
I'm dying laughing.
Standard reaction CelesteYvonne says I am not the same
(04:22):
after watching this show.
This is something that I willthink about for the rest of my
life.
I can't even look at you rightnow.
That is such a common responsethat I came across over and over
and over again.
Those two and I just want tojust acknowledge you for showing
up, answering the call andbeing seen and playing big,
(04:47):
because this is not podcast andshows and everything.
This is not just entertainment,it's medicine.
It's medicine and that's so huge.
That's so huge, and so my firstquestion is if I've learned
anything on the spiritual path,it's whatever medicine we have
(05:09):
to give, it's because we'veingested it already first.
So how has this wholeexperience been medicine for you
first?
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Oh, what a gorgeous deep question.
Oh, what a gorgeous deepquestion.
It has helped in so many waysbecause my grief is not linear
as you know right, but I have tosay I've never grieved in this
(05:41):
way before.
It was very I was grievingbefore she was even gone.
I was grieving after.
But there is a different kind ofgrief and I think I've learned
that.
And this is going to sound soairy fairy, but I have to say it
this is the right place forwords but I think what it has
(06:12):
done for me is given me theconfidence in my own ability to
navigate my shit, Like beforeI'd be like I'm just, I'm just
on autopilot and I'm just in ahamster wheel of feelings and
this.
But I'm being.
I'm being very mindful of mygrief process and what it feels
like day to day, what it feelslike month to month, and it's
(06:33):
ever changing, but I'm alwaysthere for it.
And I think, if you can reallystop and clear out the noise and
sit within, like that placewithin yourself where you're
kind of watching yourself, butyou're inside yourself and that
sounds so, but that's how itfeels, like I'm sitting in a
chair inside of my body butwatching myself, and I've really
(06:55):
learned to stop and take amoment and be really accountable
for my own feelings and where Iam, even when I'm in the
hamster wheel so.
Molly has through this process,has shown me that I can quiet
myself when everything else ismoving very quickly and I don't
know if I had the tools to dothat as quickly and as
(07:16):
efficiently as I do now.
And I know that sounds a littleout there but like it's a deep
knowing of yourself becauseyou're being kind of ripped
apart so you can either just bein the chaos or you can find the
peace within that.
And I think she taught me howto do that and that's been
happening with my grief with her, and grief that you have for
one person kind of startsbubbling up the grief that you
(07:39):
have for other people.
So my grief around my dad, mygrief around people that I've
lost in the past, have beenbubbling up.
So, yeah, grief has been a real, a real eye opener for me.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
It's interesting that you say that you have other
things to compare it to.
How has it been the same ordifferent?
Because if you've walked thatroad before, then it's like you
kind of know the terrain alittle bit, like okay, yeah, I
know that it's not linear and Iknow that this is coming up, but
okay, yeah, I know that it'snot linear and I know that this
is coming up.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
But how is this one different?
Oh, that's good, the.
I think the difference isbecause I'm a little older and a
little wiser in my brains, alittle more developed in my
emotional capacities deepened,and you know, the saying is like
you can only meet someone asdeeply as you're willing to meet
yourself.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
And I think at the time that Molly died.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I was really digging deep on my own time that Molly
died.
I was really digging deep on myown individually, and also she
was igniting me to dig deep aswell.
It was like she was a goodmirror of like hey, I'm dying
and you're living, so what areyou doing, right, like for
months on end, for four months,three and a half months straight
.
That's like bootcamp like lifebootcamp that's the best way to
(08:44):
describe it.
I hadn't thought of it that way, but it felt like life bootcamp
because I was going to thehospital over and over again and
I felt I was resistantsometimes to go and I felt like
I didn't know what that wasabout.
But now that we're having thisconversation I'm like I think it
was because I was forced toreally look life dead in the
(09:05):
eyes.
Yes, those are words that Idon't but like right in the eyes
.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I was forced to look at it.
Yeah, yeah, there's no way.
There is nowhere to run at thatpoint.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
No, right, and I was, oh my gosh, I was going through
so much personally and, yeah,but the grief with Molly feels
different.
You had asked because I'm.
So I'm working with her and Ifeel like she's really
spiritually with me and I canfeel her kind of getting growing
more and more distant over theyears.
Cause, that's what's how Ithink that's what happens with
(09:35):
souls.
This is just my like sort ofmade up version, is that like
they stay pretty close becausethere's that connection and then
, as time goes on, I feel likethere's just a movement that
happens that they get a littlemore distant from what grounded
them here on earth.
And so I felt Molly kind ofgrowing a little distant after
the five years.
But then the show came out andnow she's right back here, like
(09:55):
I can feel her right here again.
So I feel like I get, I'mworking with her, I feel like
she's with me very much.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
That's beautiful.
Did you have any conversationsbefore she passed about how that
evolution would happen betweenboth of you?
Yeah, yeah, what was that like?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Well, she was having some really interesting
experiences.
Some of them were a littleeerie and she couldn't tell if
she was hallucinating or on medsor if she was really having
experiences, but definitely Giveus the eerie, give us the eerie
, yeah, so she said to me.
Okay, right, I don't know ifI've said this because nobody's
asked.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Right Like you are yeah, that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
There was a time, she said, when the doctors came in
and two of the doctors in theirwhite coats were standing at the
edge of her bed.
Coats were standing at the edgeof her bed and she said she saw
these very tall, very darkcreatures standing behind the
doctors and she said they lookedeerie but they felt angelic and
(10:56):
she's like, and then I wonderedis our idea of what angels are
completely off Like?
Because we painted this pictureof what we think they look like
in our minds but she's like itwas a dark presence but it
didn't feel dark but the colorwas dark.
But she said the interestingpart was that the, these
creatures that kind of look likevery tall sort of human like,
(11:17):
but darker and long heads andlong arms and long fingers.
So they were standing therelike feeding information into
the doctors and I'm likeincredible what I said and she's
like I don't know if I wasmaking that up or hallucinating,
but like I kept looking behindthe doctor so much that the
doctors were turning around tosee what I was looking at.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Isn't that wild.
But she's like I felt like theywere getting the information
that they needed to help supportme, like there was just a
transference of somethinghappening.
Yeah, that completely tracks.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
I mean when people are waking up with psychic sight
.
That's how they start to seefigures before they have the
discernment of seeing what thisis and what that is.
It just shadows or likesomething out of the corner of
your eye so that completelytracks that she would have seen
just shadow or a dark figure,without like details being
colored in.
That's so cool.
(12:11):
And the fact that she was ableto feel into oh, they're kind
and benevolent and they're herefor their loving presence,
that's just validation thatthere's nothing to be afraid of.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
I think that's one thing that I learned.
I'm, of course, I'm very I'mafraid of losing people, yeah,
but I don't know if I am asafraid to die as I was before
going through this experiencewith Molly.
So I have a little bit of peaceabout that, which I think is
really special.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah, yeah.
Did you have what was yourspirituality like before, like
what was it like when you weregrowing up?
Did you have any experienceslike that before, or did this
kind of blast the door open foryou?
How was that for you?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I was raised with like in a religious, in a very
Catholic like.
I went to all girls Catholichigh school.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
We bonded over this.
That's right.
Yeah, we did, that's right.
Like I wore a uniform to school, I went to all girls.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Catholic high school.
Oh, we bonded over this, that'sright.
Yeah, we did, we did, that'sright.
I wore a uniform to school.
I went to church three times aweek and I always kind of I mean
no offense to religion itactually gave me structure.
It ignited my love for music.
I love being in a church, butorganized religion is just not
we're on the same page.
For me, spirituality, thoughI'm like leaning and tell me
(13:26):
more, give, yeah, give me moreand the fact that, like our tiny
little brains on earth, thinkthat we could somehow have it
all figured out.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I think it's so cute.
Yeah, cute little humans.
Oh, exactly, yeah, like you'retrying so hard and you're so
certain you're so certain,you're so certain and you think
everyone else is wrong.
Oh my gosh, exactly my love,and in fact I do.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
It's so funny.
I always say like I picturethem on the other side being
like look at them, they're sosweet.
I love that you articulated itthat way.
That was very funny becausethat's how I feel.
But I had a lot of you know,questions when I was growing up.
I was like wait a minute, waita minute.
So we believe this.
And I remember reading theBible and being like hold on a
(14:13):
second, so this means this here.
But then it said over here andit's contradictory and like so I
just had a lot of questions andso I kind of abandoned all of
it and found my own spiritualityand I think when my dad died, I
had a real feeling thatsomething was happening outside
of this realm in the room whenhe was dying.
What?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
year?
Was that to put perspective onthere?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Yeah, yeah, it was 2005 when my dad died.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
So, yeah, 20 years ago.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Yeah, oh gosh, that's wild.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Wait, 25.
Wait, hold on, I can't do math.
Yeah, we're in 25.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So 20 years ago.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I got you Together.
We have one brain.
It's good, it's fine, everyoneis fine.
Math is hard.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
So 20 years ago I felt like I was able to really
tap into something's going onhere, because when my dad died,
my mom was kind of standing overhim and I was with him, I had
the gift of being with him.
But my mom, when he died, mymom went and I was like I could
(15:19):
feel that something had gonethrough her and I felt it and I
saw it and she felt it and so Iwas like, okay, that's
undeniable.
And then I just leaned intolike meeting with psychics and
meeting with spiritual guru andI just loved it.
I loved meditation and I waslike there's no way that what
our tiny little brains thinks ispossible is really what's out
there.
(15:40):
So I'm so open and I I say godsometimes, sometimes I say the
universe.
It just depends on what kind ofmood I'm in.
But with Molly she was not veryreligious at all, she was
Jewish but didn't practiceJudaism, and we just always
connected on like humanity, likehumanity feels like my religion
(16:00):
like humans and souls andconnections.
So yeah, we were similar in thatway.
But growing up I definitely didnot have that understanding of
I get to decide.
I was told what I was supposedto believe and it took me a long
time to undo that.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that makes sense, butI always was like wait a second,
(16:22):
we're taking a piece of breadand you're going to give me wine
at the age of like nine.
I have questions.
I was like wait, I mean, I justknew something, felt I was like
this doesn't make sense to me,but I do love.
I love creating habits anddoing things that feel like Like
(16:43):
the rituals, rituals and whatthey, but they represent no
shade to anyone.
I just I'm talking in real timeabout what I was like pulling
apart as I was getting older.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
We are completely on the same page.
There was such a foundationthere.
Like, okay, you're telling me,god is love, god loves me, and
then you're turning around andsaying everyone that thinks like
this is a bad and evil.
I'm like, wait, but I feel soloved and I love others.
How can loving someone who isdifferent be wrong?
I have questions.
This feels wrong.
(17:14):
So, anyway, I'm glad we're onthe same page.
Yeah, 100%.
Oh, my gosh, and what you saidtoo, about you and Molly being
so connected spiritually througha human experience I mean that
you just spoke volumes in thatsentence, because I mean there
is nothing more spiritual thanto fully live, like to actually
(17:35):
let your soul express throughyour choices in your life.
Like what can?
What is possibly more spiritualthan that?
And there is nothing more humanthan to die, because everything
dies.
So it's like you can't escapethat paradigm, no matter what
you do.
It's not like you can actuallylike fuck this up and not be a
soul.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Right, right.
So that's such a beautiful wayof putting it.
I want that embroidered on apillow.
It can be a long sentence.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
It's going to be a really big pillow embroidered on
a pillow, and it can be a longsentence.
It's going to be a really bigpillow I got you.
I'll write it down somewhereand then you can have it
embroidered.
Oh my God, that's amazing.
Okay, so door opening wise.
It sounds like you're sayingthat your dad was the initial
door opener when you firstrealized, oh, something's
happening here and it'sinteresting that you mentioned
(18:25):
that that's in 2005, because mydoor opener wasn't a family
member, but it was my childhooddog who died in 2006.
So parallel experiences.
I was looking into his eyes ashe was passing and it was this
moment of like lights on, lightsoff, yeah, Like I can connect
with you.
And you went, went somewhereand I want to know where you
(18:46):
went.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Like I must know everything, yeah, and your body
is here, but your soul is likewhat happened?
What just happened?
Isn't that fascinating?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
to see that and I don't know that it's possible to
have an experience like thatand not have that door blown
open.
And not everybody chooses towalk through that door.
It's just an invitation likeokay, there's a whole other
world here that's available toyou if you want to walk through.
And I have this theory thatmany of us have a door opening
(19:18):
event where it's the invisiblestring of love that creates that
safety for your curiosity totake over.
Because if you grow up withexperiences and you're having
quote unquote scary things thatyou don't understand, it makes
sense that you're going to lockthat door or shut it fast, right
.
But if you have a loved onethat walks through and you know
(19:42):
that there's something more,then doesn't it make sense that
you feel safe in continuing thatrelationship?
Huh yeah yeah, yeah, you knowit's not like you're putting
yourself out there to pursuesomething scary.
You're putting yourself outthere to love more.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Right, that's so beautiful.
Yes, yes, right, so beautiful.
Yes, yes, it's interesting toothat you have had that was
locked.
It was, that door was, uh,burst open by your dog, and I do
believe that they are here toteach us that lesson and to just
kind of crack us open a littlebit.
And, um, it's interesting youmentioned that because um two
years ago, my, my dog, my giantSt Bernard, passed away and I
(20:24):
was so present for her passingbecause of what I had gone
through with my dad and becauseof what I had gone through with
Molly, and you know, of course,that there are a couple of
things I wished I would havedone different, like you just go
.
Oh, she was laying, she was huge, she was, like, you know, 150
pound dog.
She was on me but I wanted tolook into her eyes, but I didn't
want to pull my body out fromunderneath her because she was
(20:46):
so comfortable and so I didn'tget to look at her, but I could
see her peripherally.
I wish I would have just beenright there, in front of her
face, just right there.
But there was that moment thatyou say, syl, where it's like
they're there, their soul isthere, and all of a sudden,
sudden, it's just, there's ashift and you feel what happens
(21:10):
in that moment.
Where do we go?
What do we do?
What is the portal?
What is it like?
I am so completely fascinatedby this that I can go down the
rabbit hole.
I look at people that have hadnear-death experiences.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Same.
I'm obsessed with those onYouTube.
Have you binged all thiscontent, like me?
Yes, yes.
And they're the fact thatthey're all so similar,
consistent the same, no matterwhat age they are, what
background, what religion, it'sthe same.
I know I got chills, I know Ilove that stuff so good.
I know I love that stuff sogood.
(21:48):
So it's so comforting thenbecause, okay, if we have this
foundation of like this is thereality that we're living in, at
least right, then everythingthat's happening now gets to be
kind of I don't know if the wordis cocooned, but kind of
sheltered by this understandingof everything.
And I mean without that cushion, I feel like everything here is
(22:09):
just so much scarier, so muchharder, so much.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Yeah, the stakes just feel incredibly high all the
time.
Yeah, but there there issomething after you've
experienced.
Okay, so this, this I'm so gladyou're bringing this up,
because the reason that I wantpeople to have conversations
about death, first of all, it'sthe one thing that's going to
happen to all of us.
So why are we avoiding?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
it.
You can't get out of this placealive.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Exactly Right.
And then the second thing is Ido think when you get over that
initial uncomfortable feeling oftalking about death or what you
want your death to look like,if you're lucky enough to be
able to walk someone home or tonavigate that for yourself or
someone else, it's such a giftLike.
Once you get over thatuncomfortable part, like it's,
then the conversation becomesjust really deeply connected and
(22:57):
you're like talking about thethings that no one talked about
and you're kind of in thislittle like bubble together
Right and I love that and Ithink if you can get over that
uncomfortable part and get tothe, the others, the other stuff
, then the ability to haveintimacy with somebody, it's on
a different level, it really is.
So I just encourage anyone whohasn't had that conversation, if
(23:20):
they feel safe in therelationship and they feel like
they're not too afraid it's notgoing to trigger like a panic
attack or something like, please, I say, lean into those
conversations with your friendsand family.
I did it with Molly and I'm so,so glad I did.
I mean we came up with a dealthat she was going to come visit
me, but it wasn't going to becreepy.
And then there was one nightwhere it was creepy and I was
like you are crossing the line.
(23:41):
You are crossing the line.
You remember our rules.
What does she do?
Can I tell you what you'regoing to?
Please?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
tell me.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I'm in bed sleeping, my husband is sleeping next to
me.
Molly and my husband oddlylooked a little bit alike.
They had very similar featuresblonde hair, very cute.
I'm getting up to go to thebathroom and I'm I'm assuming my
(24:12):
husband is next to me rightSleeping, and I walk by the
bathroom and I see him on thetoilet and I'm like, oh, he's in
the bathroom.
So I went to the other bathroomto use it and when I came back
he was still in bed, sleeping.
So I was like am I having a?
Am I in a different universehere?
(24:33):
And so I realized it was hersitting on the toilet, hanging
out in the bathroom to give me ahello or something.
And I thought it was him.
But it wasn't him, because itwas so jarring.
I got into bed, I lifted thecovers up to my neck and I don't
even know if I'm describing thestory correctly, but what I can
tell you is that I just assumedit was him and I don't know how
(24:56):
he had gotten into the bathroom, because who else would?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
have been sitting on the toilet.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
That's the perfect way of putting it, thank you.
And I realized it was her and Iwas like, hey, I'm terrified
and that was the one and onlytime she did it.
But she's come around, like myphone will just dial her number
out of the blue.
The other day I was sitting atlunch with my really good friend
, tara, and the coffee saucerjust started sliding across the
table while we were talkingabout Molly.
(25:21):
I mean, we were both like so Ithink she's definitely around
and I feel her, but I don't knowif I would have been as open to
really taking those moments inif I wouldn't have really been
mindful with her about talkingabout those things before she
died and how we were going tonavigate that together.
(25:41):
And she did say like I want tomeet your dad when I cross over
and I can't wait to like holdhis hand and talk about how much
we love you and like we werereally.
We talked about it a lot.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yeah, it was really, really sweet to be able to like
talk with her about she was alittle afraid.
I think there was a part of herthat's like I'm afraid to take
my last breath, I'm afraid it'sgoing to feel hard and be scary.
And then when she decided to gothrough sedation which I think
was really helpful for her tocalm her down and get her into a
(26:16):
place where she could kind ofnavigate her spiritual crossing
over where she wasn't sofear-based, that's when she came
to me and woke me up in themiddle of the night so I could
wake up for her last breath.
And so the fact that she didthat how did she?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
come to you.
Did you have a dream?
Did she wait, like how?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
did that go?
Okay, I love that.
I love that I get to talk aboutthis.
I'm here for it.
Molly was in the hospital, Idecided to go see my husband
play in his band that night.
I'm at the band gig.
Um, this man comes up to mytable and says hello, my name is
Robert.
And I'm like hello, robert.
And he's like I am a psychicmedium and I just wanted to let
you know that Molly is here.
(26:54):
She's right next to me andshe's talking to you and I'm
like well, you didn't say Molly.
He said your friend, you have afriend that's ill.
And I said yes, and he goes,she's here and she's giving me.
And I said absolutely.
And he said she wants you tostay over.
(27:14):
And I was like, okay, the nightgoes on.
I go to the hospital the nextday.
We decide that Molly wants todo sedation.
It's a Monday.
She gets sedated.
It's Tuesday, it's Wednesday.
Wednesday night comes and we'reall sort of around her bed
rallying and giving her love andshe's completely sedated and
her breathing is definitelyshifting.
And I said I think I want to gohome for a few hours, maybe
(27:36):
come back later.
And her mom said wait, wait,can you stay over?
And I was like, yes, chills,exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yes, I can stay over.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
First of all, it's a very specific way of saying can,
yes, I can stay over which?
First of all, it's a veryspecific way of saying can you
spend the night?
Like can you stay over?
And I was like Word for word,yeah, Went home, packed my bags,
came back I had never spent thenight at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Really, it was always my mom that was there.
I had never stayed overnight.
That was the first night.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Yes, it was the first and only night I stayed in the
hospital, oh my gosh, becauseher mom was there.
Yeah, so having two people in ahospice room was too much, it's
a lot.
Yeah, yeah, and I needed abreak.
Yeah, no for sure, yeah, right.
But like looking back, I'm like, oh, I never did stay over,
that's right, I never spent thenight.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
No, but that's just more like from my perspective.
That's just so incredible thatthat was the night Like.
What a validation of what youexperienced to have that be the
night I know Wow.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
So I stayed over.
I actually was in the waitingroom talking to my husband.
I said I think I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go into
the room, and there was nowherefor me to sleep.
So her mom was on the cot nextto her and I pulled up like one
of those giant reclining chairsthat weighed like 700 pounds.
That are awful and you can't getcomfortable in, Turned off the
lights, laid next to her,reclined the chair so that I was
(28:56):
facing her and I put my hand onher, like the bottom of her leg
, and fell asleep really, reallyhard because I was exhausted.
I fell asleep for, maybebecause I paid attention to the
it was like 1145, 1150.
And I fell asleep for what feltlike a hundred hours and it was
like nine minutes.
(29:16):
But my hand was on her leg andI felt what I thought was a
nurse tapping my finger to wakeme up and I wake up and the room
is empty.
There's no nurse there.
Molly's sleeping and breathingvery slowly and her mother is
fast asleep next to her.
So I felt that tapping.
(29:38):
I woke up and I thought oh mygosh.
And then I thought, oh, thatwas her.
So I stood up and I put my handon her chest and my other hand
right on her head and I justsaid I'm here and I got you.
And she took one breath in likea, and it felt like minutes
(29:58):
went by and then I heard herexhale and I waited and I waited
and that was it.
I was there for her finalbreath.
It was so powerful, it was sobeautiful and I think she woke
me up to tell me like I'm here,I need you, like please stand up
(30:22):
.
But the fact that she tapped myfingers so intentionally
underneath my hand, the fingerswere like tap, tap, tap, tap,
it's like it's go time baby.
It's go time, yeah.
So I just feel like, eventhough the grief is intense and
the losing her is so hard, Ijust feel like what I've gained
in this process is just out ofthis world.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Literally right, literally.
Oh my God, yeah, what atestament to your soulmate
relationship.
That's a soulmate, I know.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
I know she always used to call me her soulmate and
I was like stop being sodramatic, oh, well, in your face
, she's still calling you asoulmate, so there.
And my husband's.
Like she really is yoursoulmate.
She's working through you andyour soul, Like you guys are
soul souls working together.
Yes, yes, still working on thisproject together.
So, yeah, it was pretty.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
Yeah, Amazing.
I mean, okay, there's different, you know, experiences that
people have when they pass awayRight and and many people choose
to do it when there's no onearound.
What I've read what I'vestudied is.
It's very intentional the waythat you leave, and so to be
chosen, truly to be chosen to bethere in that moment, so much
(31:41):
so that's so vulnerable.
It's like it's like birth,death and orgasms in between.
That's.
That's as vulnerable as you getright.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
You just nailed dying for sex.
That's pretty much how it went.
That's what I'm saying, girl,that's what I'm saying.
Yes, you nailed it.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
So you're soulmates, you're still working together.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yeah, do you feel her when you're doing interviews?
Do you feel her on set?
Do you feel her?
What was, what was?
Tell me the magic that you feltaround like pre-production,
production and now gettingeverything out into the world.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I.
I think I was so nervous and socaught up during pre-production
time because I I I'd never beenan executive producer.
It was new for me.
I was trying to be included asmuch as I could and be a part of
it, without being like there'sa certain kind of walking on
eggshells that can happen whenthe person who created the
(32:40):
original content is in the room.
And I think very early on I hadto create such a bond with my
showrunners, kim Rosenstock andLiz Merriweather, where I could
say such a bond with myshowrunners, kim Rosenstock and
Liz Merriweather, that where Icould say you talk about me like
I'm not here, talk about thislike I'm not, like you can dive
in creatively without having toworry about my feelings.
Don't worry if I cry becausethat's my love language, don't
(33:03):
worry if it seems uncomfortable,like I want to serve the
greater purpose and so veryincredible humility Like that's
hard.
I just trusted it.
I.
But thank you for saying that.
I just didn't want to muck uphow Molly was coming through
them, right, Like I wanted herto be able to come through them
as well.
(33:23):
And, Michelle, when I've spokento Michelle Michelle Williams,
who plays Molly in the show, shefelt Molly coming through her
as well.
Molly was so busy workingthrough everyone so I felt very
included and very a part of it.
But it was still very new forme, Like my, my inadequacies
were like I was feeling themtenfold Once I got on set.
(33:44):
I felt really good Once theshow was finished and I was
watching the rough cuts.
That's when the grief kicked in, Cause I was like, oh, I'm
going to really have to let goof her, Right, Like, really let
go.
And um, when I watched theseries, I watched the last
episode in my bed with myhusband and I just remember the
the cry that came out of me.
(34:04):
It was kind of the same cry thathappened after she died and I
remember thinking oh, this is asecond version of a death.
But then I woke up the next dayand here I am doing interviews
and talking about her.
So she keeps becoming a rebornversion of herself with each
year that passes.
So I don't know if she'll everleave my soul because she's just
(34:26):
so deeply within me and I'mtalking about her and living
with her so much.
And so I don't even rememberwhat the original question was,
but it was like just like, yeah,I feel her so deeply in every
phase of all of this.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
But what was the question Basically, the magic
around the different stages ofit, I mean, yeah, was it?
Did you find that things thatmight've been kind of 3d harder
to line up were easier?
With her working behind thescenes on it, Like yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Yes, because I felt like when things would get muddy
or we would be like, what do wedo with this?
How do we do it?
This way, I just trusted that,with Molly working through us
and with all these amazingcreative minds, that it just
needed to.
You need to just be patient andgive things a process.
Let things be uncomfortable fora minute, let it kind of
(35:22):
marinate let people get.
Yeah, let it breathe.
And I learned that Molly taughtshe was very, very smart and
very emotionally intelligent andvery patient, and I learned
that from her.
Oh it's 11, 11.
Oh, it is 11, 11.
I just looked up right at my Idon't know why.
I looked at my clock but, yes,I felt Molly a lot being like
it's okay, it's okay, you don'thave to fight it, like you don't
(35:44):
have to fight for me anymore,like it's okay, cause I'm a
fighter, I will fight for myfeelings, I'll fight for my
friends.
And I just felt a calmness andwhen things felt uncomfortable,
I knew that it was just part ofthe process and that was really
great lesson for me.
But she was around.
I felt her magic all around andthe fact that Michelle felt her
as well was really just abeautiful reminder that like she
(36:10):
was with everyone, I mean evenmy production designer.
He called me and said I knowit's set in New York and Molly
lived in LA but she was born inNew York and I want to
incorporate things that sheloved in the place that
Michelle's Molly's apartmentwill be.
And I sent him photos of thefurniture that she had and art
(36:32):
that she liked and he said Ithought you said you had some of
her artwork as a little girland I said I do, and he printed
it and put it in.
So there's little Easter eggsin the show of Molly's artwork
from her childhood.
She was actually a really greatpainter when she was very
abstract art but like so aheadof her time and so there's some
artwork in the show that isactually Molly's existing.
(36:54):
I know so, like everyone wasjust so in tune with her so she
was working through everyone onthat set.
I felt it so deeply.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Oh, that's just incredible.
That's incredible and that justthat soulmate vibe, I feel
magnetizes our people righttowards us, right.
So now you have Michelle, youhave Jenny in this new chapter.
I mean, I feel, when you'replaying someone that actually
exists, you're bonded for lifeLike this, is it?
Speaker 2 (37:22):
This is just I love that you said that.
Right, I love her Like there'sa love that is.
And she gave me this littlebeautiful necklace that says
Nikki on it.
It's a gold heart that she worein the show for the first three
episodes and she gave it to meat the end and she was like I
want to be close to your heartforever.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
So wear this.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
And so I love her.
Like I can't wait to see hernext week at the Gotham awards.
We're going going and I cannotwait to be in the presence of
her and hug her and just be nearher.
I love her.
And Michelle, like there's thisweird thing I feel around
Michelle.
Like when I said goodbye to herat the premiere and I hugged
her, I was like there was agrief in letting go of Michelle,
(38:04):
like I was like and then sheleft me this beautiful voicemail
.
And I remember thinking like.
I feel like that's a littlesliver of Molly that I have in
Michelle.
It is.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, I cannot believe how powerful Molly is.
First of all, are you kiddingme?
And how well she's been takingcare of you.
She's literally lining up yourpeople, like, okay, I may not be
here in the 3D, but I got somereally amazing people that are
going to carry the torch forward.
What a beautiful person.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
She was just in the kitchen shoving eggs in my face
before I came on to talk withyou and I looked at my husband
and I go can you believe her?
And he was like he startscrying.
And then I start crying.
I'm like, look at her, her tinylittle life, her tiny little,
sweet little life, because shewas so willing to crack herself
(38:59):
open and share and, I think,teach people through her death
of what life can feel like that.
The ripple effect of her is soprofound and so beautiful.
And I'm like talk about leavingyour mark.
Yes, yeah, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Well, to bring that back to her courageous choices,
to double down on what she washere to experience and what she
wasn't going to miss out on yeah, the courage that takes.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
I mean, you know she was a very fearful little girl
because of the sexual traumathat happened to her.
I think she was a fearful womanin her 20s as well and I think
the cancer diagnosis was a realshift for her of like, wait a
second, I don't have a lot oftime and I want to figure this
(39:49):
out.
And she chose sexual adventuresto do that.
But what's interesting ispeople.
You know there've been a fewcomments which I think are so
funny.
I love people that troll andleave mean comments.
They're my favorite.
I'm so glad you feel that way.
I love it.
They're like really great,leave your husband and go on a
journey of fucking around.
That's a real way to.
(40:09):
And I was like oh, that's whatyou projection, projection.
projection I was like is someoneafraid that Jerry's going to
leave her?
Like.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Oh my God, get over yourself, Linda.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
But I was like um.
I mean, I really think her namewas Linda but, Linda's are
amazing.
I love that, lindas are amazing, I love them.
But she said, you know, she hadthis, this feeling, and I didn't
respond to it but I thought,gosh, if that's what she's
getting out of molly's journey,that's this.
So you know, it's so uh,surface.
Because I do think molly'sdesire to be connected to her
(40:43):
body, be connected to herpleasure and not feel shame
around her, accepting otherpeople for their kinks and
fetishes and their trauma thatthey have gone through as well,
there's a really deep connectionshe had with every almost I
wouldn't say every the majorityof the men that she had
relationships with.
But I think what's reallyimportant, sylvia, to point out,
is that, yes, she was deepeningher relationship with sex, but
(41:07):
she was also deepening herrelationship with herself and
she said, yeah, I really want tofall in love.
I want to fall in love, and shedid.
And she fell so deeply in lovewith herself.
She got to that point where shewas like I really love myself
and I'm so proud of my body andlook, look what I did.
And I'm like, yes, you did it.
You did it.
So she had that before she died.
(41:29):
She knew.
I think she got it for herself.
Speaker 1 (41:32):
I mean, I feel we all choose our medicine, we all
choose our pathway to that sameendpoint.
Like this whole journey trulyis unlearning the human side of
what we've been taught,questioning what this all means,
figuring out who we really areand what we're here to do, and
just letting ourselves be thatand experience that.
(41:53):
I mean.
Isn't that the whole point?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
I love that.
You just said that we'reunlearning the human side of
ourselves that's so powerful weare.
That's what we're activelydoing and trying to tap into the
bigger meaning, the biggerpurpose and the bigger
connection.
I mean, you know, when you walkby someone on the street and
you see them and you feelsomething for them, you're like
a stranger and you're like whatis that?
(42:16):
And that's the spiritualconnection.
I do believe that souls go inand out of different bodies at
different times and we've allknown each other in different
versions of time.
And one thing Molly said to mewhen she was dying she was like
I know now that time is notlinear.
I know it Like I can feel thatit is not linear.
(42:37):
And I was like what does itfeel like?
And she's like like I'meverywhere, but I'm also right
here and.
I'm like what Tell me more.
And so one of the the coolthings that I learned from
watching her die, which sounds Iknow it sounds a little like,
but it was- not for this show,yeah.
It was.
It was so cool to watch her gothrough.
(42:58):
This was, watching her, um, uh,learn those lessons in real
time for herself, like, oh, thisis this, is this.
I'm here, but I'm also a lot ofother places.
I feel like, and I was like, ohmy gosh, I and you know she'd
get really tired and I thinkshe'd get exhausted.
She was also writing her bookwhile she was dying as well.
(43:19):
So we had lots of lots ofreally interesting chats and
then we'd laugh and make fun ofthings and be you know, go on
Bumble and Hinge and look at theyou know the guys that were
still trying to connect with her.
We would laugh about it youknow and have fun.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
And then you mentioned that she had visitors
in the hospital too.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
I mean, oh yeah, she's so fun.
She had some.
It was before she was in thehospital at the very end, but it
was.
It was when she was pretty sick.
She was, I mean, she was hookedup to an IV.
She was there for two or threedays and she did have a visitor
come in and they got a littlefrisky and the nurses knew to
kind of like give her her space,which is also sort of depicted
in the TV show as well with RobDelaney and Michelle Williams so
beautifully shot.
But I ended up interviewing thatspecific guy on our podcast and
(44:07):
I had judgment about him.
I was like, who goes to ahospital to like, hook up with
the sick girl?
Like I had judgment and I gotto talk to him on the podcast
and it was so different and somuch more beautiful than what I
had had conjured up in my mind.
So it was a good lesson for meof like don't make judgment
about other people's journeysthrough whatever they're going
(44:29):
through.
Like just let it, let it be andlet it unfold.
And it actually made her feelvery alive and she wanted it,
she was excited about it, but hewas very distraught by her
passing and loved her very much.
I mean, he was polyamorous, sohe believed in many loves and he
wasn't able to give Molly therelationship that I think maybe
she sort of secretly craved, buthe loved her deeply and was
(44:52):
very distraught by her passing,which is something I didn't
anticipate or know until I goton the phone with him and talked
about it with him.
This was after Molly hadactually died, so I was still
learning about her even aftershe passed.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
So such a cool reminder this whole experience
is such a time release medicine.
I feel like you have thisexperience once, but it like
diverges, like a like a infinitetesseract of some kind of like.
Okay, well, now you're going tolearn this, and now you're
going to see this, now you'regoing to meet with that, and
then I mean just what?
Speaker 2 (45:23):
I know.
That's incredible, molly wouldalways say I just want to be the
most important person in yourlife, that's all I want.
And I'd be like, well, that'sridiculous.
And now I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Yeah, I get it, that bitch.
Speaker 2 (45:32):
She is the most important.
I mean like everything I do isunder the umbrella of her, her
creative force in this world,and also, like I always say to
myself, like what would Molly do?
What would Molly do?
Speaker 1 (45:45):
I just carry her with me.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And I think other people are starting to carry her
.
I got a DM yesterday and I'llkeep this human anonymous and
not even divulging theinformation.
But this person expressed howthey were very much struggling
and didn't tap into theiremotions, but episode six of the
podcast it sort of unleashed anemotion in them that they
(46:11):
didn't think they had and thatthey had been feeling taunted by
the idea of self-harm and nottaking care of themselves and
that this episode of the podcastshifted them deeply and that
they're going to start gettingthe help that they need.
And this person said you maynot have been able to save Molly
(46:32):
, oh my gosh.
She somehow saved me and thisperson was just telling me this,
and I'm going back and forthwith this person and I was just
like Molly, you are justchanging the world and I'm so
impressed by your ability to bein people, in, in, in people,
(46:53):
that she's in them, you know,and so that's just but you're
also the representative holdingthat energy because she, if you
weren't here, available and opento do this teamwork thing that
you both signed up to do, thenshe wouldn't be able to have the
impact she's having now.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So, thank you, thanks for saying I.
I noticed in your bio, whichwas extensive, by the way, like,
excuse me, is it who me?
Who is this amazing person I'mtalking to right now?
Excuse me, but like so, youmentioned that you volunteer for
the suicide hotline, right?
So it's like you, you holdspace for that energy, you do
know how to go there and you doknow how to be the light in that
(47:29):
moment.
And I don't believe in mistakesand coincidences, I believe in
the timing is the best andhighest good.
You made this podcast, you madethe two podcasts and then you
made the show, and it just livesout there for people to find
exactly when they need it and tobe open to being used.
In that way, it's like you showup for the moment, you show up
(47:53):
for what feels right in thatmoment and then you release it
and you don't know how it'sgoing to be used.
You don't know how you're goingto be used.
Speaker 2 (48:03):
That's such a nice reminder.
Thanks for saying that.
Yeah, you don't know, you don't.
You just have to be likewilling, a willing participant
in all of it.
I feel like I am.
I don't think I've beenresistant.
I can be a real assholesometimes, but I think I really
I love that for you.
(48:24):
Yeah, and Molly was really goodat protecting her magic and
setting boundaries and I was.
I learned that from her.
I learned a lot from her, mygosh, my gosh and I still am.
I think we all are.
I just love you for beingwilling to have you know.
I've done a lot of press andI've done a lot of talking about
the show and the podcast andI'll do it until I'm blue in the
(48:46):
face.
It's my favorite thing to talkabout.
But this interview has been so,uh, spiritually, it was a.
It brought me back to centerand reminded me of why I'm doing
this and what this is reallyreally about.
Thank you, thank you, thank youso much, like it's been.
I haven't thought about any ofit in this way, in a in a
(49:10):
participatory way.
I don't think in a long time.
So thank you.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
I'm just calling what .
I'm seeing, and you need to berefilled too, because you're
doing a lot.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
Do you know what's funny?
Is it like you'd think I'd want?
Like, after all of this, I'mlike you'd think I'd want like
some spiritual guidance, or I'dwant like a retreat, or to go to
some beautiful place.
I want to lay in my bed andwatch really bad reality TV and
drink soda and eat Doritos.
That's what I want to do.
Yeah, yeah, why not?
I think that's what I'm goingto do tomorrow.
(49:44):
I haven't done that in monthsand and it was so funny because
I remember it's so funny oh myGod, I remember I worked really
I'm just a hard worker and Mollywould always be like, why are
you like, why don't you giveyourself some time to just
recharge?
And I would always judge whatmy recharging looked like.
And now I don't judge itanymore.
I'm like bed, some version ofhousewives, some version of
(50:07):
Doritos whether it's cool ranchor the regular traditional kind
and a Coke Zero with a ton ofice, like that is heaven.
What is yours, what is yourguilty?
Guilty like deep, like nasty,doesn't look pretty soulful
thing that you do.
That's like kind of cheesy.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
I mean it's snacks in bed, with all the crumbs
everywhere it's having.
Like whatever drinks I'mdrinking, like just accumulating
on the nightstand.
Yes, Okay.
I mean I have a kid, so likewhenever I do get to sleep in,
it's like amazing.
So good To sleep.
Sleep, yeah, mainly sleephonestly.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
I like that.
It kind of is in the same fontas mine.
Oh yeah, it's not that far off.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yeah Well, I feel like when you're giving so much,
the output is so high.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
You have to go back to the absolute basics to pour
back in.
My ask is not big.
I don't need a lot, I just needa little bit.
Just need a little something,something that's so funny.
Speaker 2 (51:11):
Some greasy ass chips .
Yes, and my phone is not likemy phone's on so I can scroll
TikTok and all the stupid things, but like my email is somehow
disabled so I can't check myemails.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
Yeah, no, no email, I don't want to do that.
No connecting to anyone else.
I don't want to give anyonelike nothing, nothing for anyone
else, just me.
What do I want anyone to likenothing, nothing for anyone else
, just me.
Speaker 2 (51:32):
What do I want?
Oh, my God, you've justinspired me.
I think I have a couple ofmeetings tomorrow morning and I
have like four hours and likeI've just been going going and I
think I'm just going to lay inmy bed and eat snacks and think
of and think of you and Mollyand be like listen, we're in
this together.
We all have to stop and eatsnacks in bed.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
We do Cause.
What else are we going to do?
What are we even doing here?
Come on, it's time for somesnacks.
Everything else we could dolater, wait.
What's your favorite snack?
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Popcorn.
It is popcorn.
Yeah, Now do you make thepopcorn, or do you just buy a
bag of popcorn?
Oh no, I make it.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
A little butter, a little salt.
A lot of butter, a lot of salt.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Okay, a lot of butter , a lot of salt.
Okay, can I tell you this onething really quick, please do so
.
When Molly and I were recordingDying for Sex, we came up with
a segment at the end of theoriginal podcast that was never
really released, because when Iwould text, voice text, molly
hey, I want to get together, Iwant to talk about Dying for Sex
with you it would voice textand hear me say Diane for snacks
.
So we started calling it Dianefor snacks.
So we came up with a segment atthe end of our show called
(52:38):
Diane for snacks, which makes nosense to anybody else but us.
And it would be hey, what areyou eating this week?
And Molly would always be likeI'm on chemotherapy, I'm
nauseous, I'm not eatinganything, but thanks for asking.
Or she'd be like Jell-O I ateJous.
I'm not eating anything, butthanks for asking.
Yeah, like right, like that.
Or she'd be like jello I atejello this week.
Speaker 1 (52:54):
You're jealous.
Speaker 2 (52:55):
Exactly, and then I would go on with all the stupid
shit that I was eating, but weso.
I think it's very funny thatwe're we're ending our
conversation talking.
Speaker 1 (53:04):
It's almost like she's hanging out in the room
with us.
Oh my God, I love that so much.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
I do, I do, I love that Diane for snacks.
Speaker 1 (53:16):
I will Diane for snacks any day of the week with
you, my friend Same girl.
I'll bring you popcorn.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
I will shove that popcorn directly into your mouth
, hell to the yes, please Anyday, oh my gosh, I love you so
much, thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Thank you for dropping in with me.
This is like my favorite thingto do.
Speaker 2 (53:35):
I love what you're putting out into the world and I
know that the work that you'redoing because I know it's a
grind sometimes because you'rethere's a deep desire for
connection, right, and thatdoesn't just happen magically.
You have to, like, make a planand you are making your plan and
(53:55):
you're making your podcast andyou're connecting with people on
a really deep level and that'swhat makes this life feel good.
So, thanks for being like partof what makes life feel really
good, right now.
I love you.
Speaker 1 (54:07):
Thank you.
I love you To all of uslightworkers.
We're holding the light in areally dark time and it's time
to fucking show up, right.
Speaker 2 (54:17):
For yourself and for each other.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
So get it together, elf, first Get your shit
together.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Yeah, get your shit together with love and then go
give that shit to other people.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
This is life advice according to us.
I love it.
I love it.
We'll send you an invoice later.
It's great, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
Oh my God, I know I'm looking at my.
You know I joked earlier aboutour embroidered pillow.
My friend Katie gave me this,this embroidery.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
What does it say?
No, it's all blurry on my end.
What is it?
Oh my God, I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (54:45):
It says something really crass and horrible it
says suck a dick, suck a dick.
Speaker 1 (54:48):
It says suck a dick.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
It says suck a dick.
But I don't really mean I don'thave a dick and I don't want
you to suck it.
But if I feel like I need tolike say back off or like even
to my thoughts, like usually I'msaying suck a dick to my
thoughts.
So don't be afraid to tell yourthoughts to suck a dick.
Speaker 1 (55:01):
I love that.
I saw a TikTok the other day.
That was like not today, becky.
Same energy.
Suck a dick, becky.
100%.
Speaker 2 (55:11):
Yours is just a little nicer.
Speaker 1 (55:12):
Well, yours was really nice too, because there's
little embroidery.
The little font and thedecorations it's neat, but the
message has some um to it, right, yeah, embroidered.
Speaker 2 (55:23):
I can't imagine on Etsy what the woman said when my
friend Katie was like, hey,could you embroider, suck a dick
with flowers on a?
Yeah, the woman was probablylike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
There are many people who make some off-color
beautiful things on purpose, soI feel like those are just our
people and we just need to takeover the world already so that
we can just have more fun andhave boundaries.
That's it.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
You are just like just magical, and the day I met
you I just I don't know I fellin love.
And we haven't reallycommunicated in person, but
there's just a soul connection Ifeel that I'm so grateful for
you.
So back at you, back at you.
Speaker 1 (56:03):
Thanks for hanging.
I'm going to let you go and beyour famous amazing self.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
Lord.
Speaker 1 (56:10):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (56:11):
I okay, Soon, let's do this again soon, maybe in
person, with snacks.
Speaker 1 (56:15):
We'll be we can and some drinks together, it'll be
great I love you, love you byeas we close, I just want to
dedicate this episode to my momand to soul sisterhood.
As dying for sex premiered, mymom was spending her days being
with her best friend of over 40years, while she was in hospice
(56:35):
and with a kid's school scheduleand spring break, I wasn't even
able to watch Nikki's showuntil a few days after my mom's
friend passed away.
And now, less than a monthlater, my mom is halfway around
the world caring for yet anothersoul sister with dementia.
So thank you, mom, for showingme what it means to be there for
your people, and thank you tothe sisters, the special ones
(56:59):
you're gifted by blood and theones that the universe drops in
your path, the ones that get it,roll up their sleeves with you,
make you laugh in the darkestof times, let you be messy,
protect your life with theirsand have your back when anyone,
including the Becky inside yourown head, tries to tear you down
(57:20):
.
And look, my mom's calling meright now.
What are we psychic?
So send this episode to yoursoul sisters while I go talk to
my mom.
Thank you for listening to SoulLevel Human.
If this episode moved somethingin you, share it, text it to a
friend, post to your stories.
The Soul Level Revolutionspreads one brave human at a
(57:41):
time and your voice makes adifference.
So until next time, remember toslow down, tune in, trust your
guidance and keep having theaudacity to choose the highest
timeline.
When you show up fully, yougive others permission to do the
same.
Make this the timeline whereyou show up.
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