Chapter 3: Your Relationships

We will focus on the importance of relationships in developing our Full Lives. Our relationships include our life partners and friends. It is essential to practice empathic listening and show gratitude.

Episode Transcript

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Chapter 3. Your Relationships

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Quote, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
End quote. Zulu proverb. Imagine this situation. You meet someone
you don't know and want to ask them a question to find out if they are happy. To do so, you
must choose one of the following five questions. One, how much money do you have in the bank?

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Two, are you satisfied with your personal relationships?
Three, are you satisfied with your work?
Four, do you consider yourself an optimistic person?
Five, are you often sad? Which question would you choose?
Of these, the second question is the one that best predicts the level of life satisfaction

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as our relationships are one of the most important aspects.
We are fundamentally social animals. Of course, some people choose solitude, but that is a
personal decision. However, unwanted loneliness can be a terrible experience. This happens
increasingly in big cities, where people can surround you and feel very lonely. It is not

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just about seeing other people around you, but knowing that people care about you.
That's not to say there aren't conflicts, disagreements, and occasional fights, but as
long as we know we care, that is enough. Love and affection are what lead to us having
quality relationships. In this chapter, we'll explore together one
of the pillars of the lifehouse of the full life, your relationships with others.

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How to create beneficial relationships? Aristotle spoke of three types of friendship, amusement,
interest, and character. Friends for amusement are those you hang out
with, do fun things, and share hobbies. In friendships of interest, you want to get
something out of each other. It can be business or work contacts. Friends by interest are

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not necessarily negative as both parties know this dynamic and agree on its terms.
The third is character friendships. These are the friends you can rely on, and know
will be by your side through difficult times. It's not a matter of having fun together or
getting something out of each other, but this is a deep friendship based on mutual loyalty

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in which we are there for each other without asking for anything in return.
While these three types of friendship can be satisfying, a problem occurs when we confuse
them with each other. For example, in times of difficulty, we turn
to a fun-type friend and find that he or she is not interested in helping us. Even if they
show solidarity and offer words of support, they will walk away in the end.

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In the case of friendships of interest, when we lose the position that gave us power over
the resources, they might stop the relationship with us.
This usually happens with people who hold senior positions in organizations or the government.
I remember a former minister who no longer holding any office told me. The big difference
between when I was a minister and now is that my phone doesn't ring anymore.

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The fundamental problem is that these people confuse their position of power with their
own person. When their influence wears off, people know
they no longer have power and simply do not care about them.
On the other hand, character-based friends are forever. They are the ones we can turn
to in both bad times and good. For this reason, it is critical to know how to distinguish between

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these types of friendships. There is a fourth type of relationship that
Aristotle does not mention, toxic relationships. These types of people are the ones who ask
but never give. Those who criticize you to your face and behind your back.
They are characterized by being negative and always focusing on your negative aspects.

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You realize you are dealing with the toxic person when you feel down after being with
them. They suck your energy like vampires. In extreme cases, they can even be abusive
and violent. While friendships of fun and interest are
not bad by necessity, we need to be aware of what we can expect from those types of friends.

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In the case of toxic relationships, it is best to avoid them altogether. And if this is difficult
because of fear, especially if they are abusive or violent, it is best to ask for help.
Don't resign yourself to suffering in the belief that they will change. The best thing
to do is to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

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Learn to listen. Listening plays an important role in how we connect with others. The act
of listening has two facets. First, paying attention to what they are telling us and
then communicating what we think. The listening process involves a two-way interaction. Listening
quality depends on how much attention we devote to the conversation. We can identify five

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levels of care, ranging from minimum to maximum. Ignoring. We ignore what the other person
is telling us. We don't pay attention when they are talking to us as we are too busy
with our phones or just not engaged in the conversation.
How often have you seen couples in a restaurant at the next table who don't speak to each
other? They are both busy with their phones. It is a sad situation that is becoming increasingly

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frequent. Pretending that we are listening. In this
case, we look like we are interested in the conversation, but inside our heads we are
thinking about other things. We say yes or no or no to pretend we are listening. Ultimately,
the other person will notice our lack of interest and feel ignored and even offended. Selective

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listening. You are showing more interest here, but only in parts of the other person's message.
This is common at social and business meetings. Active listening. Here, we participate fully
in the conversation. We show interest and provide our opinion. In a way, this level adds a new
element, valuing the other person. Listen empathetically.

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Well, at level four, we listen more with our brain. In this case, we also listen with our
heart. This level of listening is appropriate when talking to someone we love, someone who
is going through a rough time and needs to be heard and receive our affection and understanding.
Each level of listening can be appropriate depending on the situation. If we are in a

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boring lecture, we may ignore or pretend to listen while our mind is elsewhere. In this
case, if we have the option, perhaps the best thing to do is leave. In a business meeting,
active or active listening may be more appropriate. In a college class, active listening is preferable
unless the professor is very monotonous. Finally, empathic listening is convenient when conversing

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with our life partner, parents, children, and trusted friends, as it serves to strengthen
these relationships. I will end this section with a greeting used by members of the Zulu
tribe, Sabona Siboka, which means, I see you and exist for you. This is a good example
of active and empathetic listening. How do you connect with others? I once had the opportunity

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to attend a lecture at Harvard by Dr. Edward M. Hollowell on relationships. Hollowell is
an American psychiatrist and author specializing in attention deficit disorders and mental health
issues. He has written several successful books addressing hyperactivity, anxiety, depression,
and the relationship between mental health and work. He is also a well-known speaker

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and has appeared in numerous media outlets to speak on these issues. Hollowell founded
the Hollowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Sudbury, Massachusetts, and has been
a professor at Harvard Medical School. His book Connect is a guide for building positive
connections at work and in life. Hollowell highlights the importance of human connections

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to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. He calls the connections vitamin C because
of the energy and positive benefits they generate. Throughout the book, Hollowell describes the
main challenges we face in making fruitful connections, such as avoiding social isolation
and distraction from electronics. It also offers us practical strategies for creating

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connections in our lives. Hollowell argues that connections are necessary for human survival,
referencing examples from the most primitive civilization to recent evidence in neuroscience.
Connect also provides several practical techniques for effective communication and
connection with others. Active listening. Hollowell emphasizes the importance of listening actively

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and attentively, focusing on the interlocutor, and trying to understand what they are saying without
interrupting or judging. Use nonverbal communication to connect with others effectively. Hollowell
suggests paying attention to nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, body language,
tone of voice, and eye contact. Share your emotions. The author states that expressing

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our emotions healthily and respectfully is essential to building connections. Be open
and honest about how we feel. Explain why we feel the way we do and invite others to
share their feelings. Recognize your own limitations. To better connect with others,
it is crucial to recognize your own limitations and weaknesses, and be willing to reveal them

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when appropriate, practicing humility. Create space for quality connections.
Hollowell suggests setting up distraction-free time and unplugging electronic devices that
can disrupt a conversation. Ensuring the space in which you will be talking has a comfortable
environment and no distracting noises or interruptions. Active empathetic listening is a communication

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skill that involves focusing completely on what the other person is saying and reflecting
on the message conveyed without judgment. Listening with empathy shows that you are actively
striving to understand what they are saying, and that you care about what they are communicating.
In summary, the advantage of active and empathic listening is that it strengthens healthy relationships,

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promotes successful teamwork, and makes it easier to find better solutions to shared
challenges.
Merital and Family Relationships John Gottem is an American psychologist and scientist
specializing in marital and family relationships. He founded the Gottem Institute, a research
and therapy center specializing in couples therapy, and is one of the most influential

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scientists in relationship research. Gottem has spent more than 40 years studying diverse
couples and their behavior patterns, identifying the factors contributing to success or failure
in marital relationships. Through working with hundreds of couples, he has developed
early therapy methods to prevent the trafficking of divorce and facilitate the building of

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harmonious relationships. In addition to being one of the most recognized marriage therapists,
Gottem has written several books on the subject, including The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work and The Science of Trust. His work focuses on teaching people how to communicate,
resolve conflicts, and foster unity in their relationships, defining himself as an ally

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for the betterment of relational health. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work, Gottem recommends one, friendship. Relationships based on mutual respect to
the foundation of every functioning marriage, both spouses should prioritize friendship and
emotional connection. Two, learn to resolve conflicts. Conflicts

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in a relationship are inevitable. The most important thing is to know how to listen,
understand, and use constructive language to avoid destructive conversations. Three,
balance. The relationship should exist with a fair and mutual balance between the needs
and expectations of each member. Four, attention. Mutual interest and appreciation for the needs

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and desires of the couple should be shown. Five, intimacy. There should be emotional
openness in the relationship. Money, sex, work, and other important issues should be addressed
sensibly and sensitively by frequently supporting and caring for each other's needs and with
respect. Six, focus on the positive. Happy moments and

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optimal experiences are many in married lives. They must be strengthened by giving adequate
importance to solving problems and promoting common goals and visions. Seven, mutual goals
and projects. Working together to achieve mutual goals impels the desire to live and strive
to expand life together. These seven principles proposed by Gottman show that despite the

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difficulties during any relationship, the strongest unions treasure joyful moments and
positive experiences. Before ending this chapter, I will propose
a simple and very powerful exercise for improving the relationships you have with the most important
people in your life. The gratitude exercise. This exercise comes

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from positive psychology. Thinking other people for their help has been shown to affect both
the person giving and receiving the gratitude positively. With that in mind, this exercise
aims to foster an appreciation of life and happiness through gratitude. When I present
this exercise to the participants in my course, some begin to write a thank you letter addressed

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to that person and then decide to share it with him or her. Other participants tell me
they will write the letter but choose not to read it to that person. I respect their
decision and encourage them to consider sharing their feelings at some point. It's important
that they at least take the first step of writing the letter. After completing this exercise,

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some participants have told me how the recipient reacted with tears of joy. Others have shared
that the person they addressed the letter to had passed away and decided to read it to
honor their memory. I did this exercise with my mother. I've
used the phone to keep in touch with her since I was in the United States and she was in
Spain. She listened silently before thanking me. A few years later, she died. I'm so glad,

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I told her. It helped me and my mother. Don't miss the opportunity to thank those people
who have helped you. It will serve you and them as well. That's why I encourage you
to keep doing this exercise. Reflection 5, Gratitude, C-Page 20 of the PDF Workbook.
Think of someone who has helped you through bad times. A person who you know will always

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be willing to help you without asking for anything in return. Someone who has helped
you become who you are. Write in the first person as if they were in front of you.