Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
I know some people
probably had it hard, but I was
blessed.
They ain't never saw my mom anddad in stress.
They only shows.
They said I'm living comfy fromthe sweat off they bags and
that's why all I ever wanted wasto give it back.
I'm not ashamed because I wasraised right.
I would only be ashamed if Ididn't help you fight through
the pain, help you drain out thegames that your mind plays.
(00:22):
No matter what, I'm neverletting my shine fade away,
(00:55):
forever searching.
Outro Music.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Hello everyone and
welcome back to the Journey Out
podcast.
Today we have another amazingepisode.
But first things first, we wantto make sure you guys like,
subscribe, comment, share thisinformation out to everybody who
you think will be, you know,able to just enjoy it and
journey through their life withthis information that they're
getting.
uh, we have a great guest todayyes, yes an awesome guest by the
(01:22):
name of Kimberly Drake yes, yes, yes come on y'all round of
applause, okay, so today we willbe talking with Miss Kimberly
Drake about grief to grace andit's just such an impactful,
just journey and story thatshe'll be sharing with us today,
and so I got tissues ready, weon board like we're locked and
(01:43):
loaded, and so please just givea warm welcome to Miss Kimberly
Drake.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Thank you so much for
being here today.
Thank you so much.
I'm so grateful to be here withyou guys.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
So we'll be talking
about from grief to grace today,
pretty much a caregiver'sjourney through loss, healing
and hope, right?
So, first and foremost, pleasetell us who you are and what you
do.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
Well, my name is
Kimberly Drake.
I am a clinical nursecoordinator at Medical City
Dallas.
I've been a nurse for the last22 years and I am a wife, a
mother, a daughter, a sistermultiple hats and I have a blog
called Kim Talks Blog, and Ialso have an organization called
(02:27):
Be Unique where we focus onyouth making confidence a
lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Awesome.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Awesome.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
So that's who we are
today, right, but there was a
storm that you encounteredpreviously.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
During your life
journey.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
During your life
journey you encountered
previously during your life.
During your life, yes.
So how did you manage griefwhile continuing to show up as a
mother, a nurse and a spouse?
And tell me kind of a littlebit of what that, how you got to
that point well, definitely washard, but I leaned on my faith.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
Um, faith definitely
has gotten me through um.
Without god's grace and mercy Iwouldn't be here, because there
were times that I didn't thinkI could handle it all.
I felt like everything wascoming down on me.
But because I know I'm rootedand grounded in God, I leaned to
my faith and that's what got methrough and course, my
(03:22):
community, my family, my friends.
That definitely makes adifference so between faith and
community.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
That's what now talk
to me a little bit about the
grief.
What happened and what was that?
Speaker 3 (03:36):
like because you was
wearing many hats as a mother, a
nurse, uh, a leader, a spouse,right?
So tell me what happened duringthat process, while you was
running.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Well, recently, with
the whole grief process, I, um,
it was like an 18 month journey.
So I got engaged.
I was so excited I was ready togo tell my parents like, hey,
I'm getting married and my mom,she suffered from dementia.
Um, my dad has COPD, um, and so, even though my mom had
(04:13):
dementia you know with dementiathey have periods of time,
periods of clarity so I went totell her that, um, I was engaged
and I knew that, she knew thatI was happy because she hugged
me and she said everybodydeserves somebody, and that just
like warmed my heart.
I was like you know, she knowsshe really knows that I'm happy.
(04:35):
And so I went through thatprocess and started planning a
wedding and I guess about fiveor six months in, I got a call
that they was going to have toput my mom on hospice.
So we made that decision andthat was one of the hardest
decisions of my life because,you know, as a nurse, you know
(04:56):
hospice usually means it's aboutthat time, you know, and I had
to roll with it and then aboutso that was April, may, june, so
about three months later my mompassed.
So I'm like, okay, I'm supposedto plan a wedding and I'm like,
(05:16):
and now I'm in the process ofplanning a funeral.
So help my dad with planningthe funeral and everything.
My dad was the one that kept megoing, to be honest, because I
just wanted to be strong for him, right, I knew he had lost his
wife of 61 years and I didn'twant to just break down.
So I felt like that's what heldme together, so taking care of
(05:42):
my dad, making sure he was good,and for a while he seemed like
he was getting back, you know,in the swing of things, and then
he just took a turn and he hada heart attack.
He got better, then he fell andthen it just like spiraled from
there.
So I went from being so excitedabout getting engaged to my mom
(06:03):
passing to now my dad's in thehospital and trying to, you know
, figure that whole part out,all while still trying to plan a
wedding.
And my daughter is a seniorabout to graduate from high
school.
So I'm like, lord Lord, how dowe do this?
How do we manage?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
all of this.
Speaker 4 (06:21):
And I remember it was
about um three weeks before my
dad passed.
He had fell and we went down tosee about him and we laid in
bed all day and, um, we waswatching some football game and
I was like dad, how you feeling.
He was like, oh, you know, theold body wearing down, you know.
(06:41):
So every time he starts to talklike that, I'm like dad, you're
fine, you're okay you know, andso we was getting ready to leave
and my dad, he went, took ashower and he, you know, got all
ready and I said, oh, look atyou.
I said you got some energy.
I was like, all right.
I was like, so you gettingready to walk me down the aisle?
(07:01):
And he said, no, I'm probablynot gonna be able to do that.
When I tell you the life leftout of me because I was like dad
, what do you mean, you know?
and so tears started rollingdown my eyes and he was like no,
you gotta be strong, you gottabe strong.
And so I'm like all right, dad.
(07:23):
I was like.
I was like I don't want to hearit.
And so he started talking to meand mark, and he said you know,
you gotta slow down.
You know, you, you're trying todo too much.
He was like you can't doeverything and so I was like,
okay, dad.
And then mark came in and hetold mark the same thing.
He was like, yeah, you're't doeverything.
And so I was like, okay, dad.
And then Mark came in and hetold Mark the same thing.
He was like yeah, you trying tobe everywhere for everybody,
you got to slow down.
(07:44):
And he was like you know, whenI passed out the other day, he
said I was at peace.
And he said I want that peaceback.
And a part of me was like, oh,help you with this piece we can
figure out the piece right.
But then a part of me was likehe was married for 61 years to
(08:07):
my mom, so I know he wants thatback.
And I can't be selfish as I'menjoying this moment of getting
ready to go into holy matrimonyand want him to stay here.
And so we got ready to leave.
He was like you can make ithome, I promise ain't nothing
going to happen tonight.
(08:27):
So I was like okay and so, andit didn't.
But three weeks later, likethree o'clock in the morning, I
got phone call and um, my sisterwas just screaming and um, he
passed away.
And then I had to.
I remember he passed away on awednesday and then my bridal
(08:51):
showers was that saturday so, so, let's, let's go back so
through this.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
You was a caregiver,
taking care of your loved one,
planning a wedding, being amother and also a nurse.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
A nurse engaged, you
know.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
So you was juggling
all this.
I want you to answer thisquestion what was the biggest
emotional challenge during thattime that you faced while trying
to navigate the situation?
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Trying to allow
myself to feel, because I never
want to be a burden to people.
So a lot of times I'll try tokeep stuff inward and try to be
strong for everybody, and thatwas one thing that my dad would
(09:45):
say is you can't be strong foreverybody.
He says sometimes you got tothink about you and that was my
hardest struggle, because I waslike I can't drop the ball
because everybody needs me.
So if I drop the ball,everything's going to crumble.
And that's something that,throughout this journey, I've
had to learn that it's not in myhands, it's in.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
God's hands.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
Right.
And I will lose my mind if Icontinue to try to keep control
and, with that too, if Icontinue to try to keep control
and with that too, because youwere getting ready to celebrate
such a just huge engagementabout to get married.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
But also you're
dealing with everything else.
But you were previously marriedand so you probably have that
emotional kind of thing going onwith the divorce that happened
there.
So kind of talk to me aboutthat too, Like how, going into
that, where were you?
What were you even thinkingemotionally and mentally, before
even a mom and dad evenhappened with?
Speaker 4 (10:45):
that Well the thing
with my last husband, the reason
why it made it so hard for meto be vulnerable and to let
people in, was because I, when Iwas married previously, I was
really sick.
After I had my son, I ended upwith a ulcer that I didn't know
about, that perforated, and so Ilost half the blood of my body
(11:09):
in my toilet that day and I wentinto emergency surgery.
They had to cauterize the ulcer.
They didn't think I was goingto make it and I was in ICU.
But my mom was there.
You know like, no, you're goingto be here for your kids.
You got to stay here.
And so my ex-husband my husbandat the time was not supportive
(11:30):
and I remember my mom watchingthe kids and letting him come to
the hospital and he, he, I'mgot a blood transfusion going,
hooked up to ivs, and he said,well, how long you expect for me
to go through this with you?
And I was like and the person Iam, I was like, you don't have
(11:51):
to, yeah, and he left and wentwherever he was going.
So my mom thinking that he's atthe hospital and he's gone
wherever.
But that hurt me, that rockedme to the core, and so I built
up a wall.
So when I got to, you know mynew relationship with mark I.
It took me a while to bringthat down because I was like I'm
(12:15):
never gonna let no one make mefeel like that again, right?
So in my vulnerable moments,even with grief.
It was hard for me to lean onhim, but he made it easier
because he was like I'm not him.
You know, you can be vulnerablewith me.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Let me ask a question
real quick.
Why were you on that?
He made it easier, but youstill had to realize it oh yeah.
So what did he do?
What did he say?
That said okay, you know what,let me let my cards down.
What was that moment that yougot?
Speaker 4 (12:54):
okay, you know what a
high moment I can let my walls
down with him now, it wasn'teasy at first because I think it
was a learning period for himalso, right and so, because he
wasn't used to so much happeningin a relationship, so much
going on.
and so at first, you know, Iwould have moments where I felt
like, you know, I was a botherto him and so so I would pull
(13:16):
back.
And then eventually he realized, and he came to me and was like
, hey, I'm not used to so muchthings happening in a
relationship and so it was newto me, but I realized that I
want to be here for you and Iwant to support you and you can
(13:39):
be vulnerable with me.
And then he started showing itthrough his actions and showing
up and being present, and so asI started watching, you know,
then I was like, well, maybe heis a little genuine you know,
and so I slowly you know, itwasn't like instant, you know
but I slowly started letting thewalls down, and then now I'm
(14:00):
like I'll cry.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I'm like.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
Well, I'm struggling
today.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I love that because
because it's different facets to
a caregiver.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
And I think we talk
about that all the time.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
But I don't think.
I don't think people reallyunderstand it.
But I don't think people reallyunderstand it when we say a
mother, a daughter, a caregiver,I'm also employed.
All these different things takea toll on our life.
Right, they place differentparts and when one is holding on
by a thread, you can lack in alot of areas.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
But then you have
like the caregiving health, and
then it's just, it's just a lot.
Speaker 4 (14:44):
So a caregiver's
journey is it's not the same,
it's never ending, right, andthen it can be stressful right
because you're taking care ofsomeone, but you're also trying
to take care of yourself yeah,because even in the moment where
, um I was sick with my stomachand I had, I ended up finding
out I had gastroparesis, um, andso I literally got separated in
(15:05):
october and was struggling with, you know, going in and out of
surgery myself, and then indecember my daughter ended up on
life support for six weeks.
So I'm trying to juggle likerunning in and out of work when
I could, and then newlyseparated and going to
(15:26):
appointments myself.
I remember my daughter was inthe icu, I had surgery and when
they discharged me they said um,okay, so is your driver coming?
I was like oh no, just wheel meto room.
Five, five, five and they werelike what I was like?
Uh, yeah, I'm going back to mydaughter's room, so literally I
was dealing with my own healthchallenges and then I'm going
(15:47):
back to make sure she's goodbecause I mean, she was in a
coma on life support.
I wasn't gonna leave her fortoo long.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And so that was the
story.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
And then came healing
Right.
Um, in what ways did yourhealing come?
I know you talked to talk aboutdifferent things on your blog
about how counseling was, wasone of those inner work.
So kind of talk to me a littlebit about how did counseling
help you navigate the pain andloss and the pressure of just
(16:19):
daily life.
Speaker 4 (16:21):
So counseling was a
big thing.
When my mom first got onhospice, I started the
counseling because, like I said,I wanted to be there for my dad
and I knew I couldn't because Ifelt myself losing myself.
I felt myself going down thatdeep hole because my mom was my
(16:42):
best friend, like she literally,when I got divorced, uprooted,
and came and watched my kids forme the nights that I went to
work and then would go back andtake care of my dad and go back
and forth, and so ourrelationship was super strong.
And so the counseling helped me, gave me the tools that I
(17:02):
needed, and it was somebodyneutral, you know.
So it wasn't anybody in yourfamily, it wasn't Mark.
So I didn't have that feelingof being a burden because I'm
like, well, it's your job, so Ican just like, spit it all out
to you and so.
But the counselor I had, sheliterally let me know that it's
OK, it's OK to feel, it's OK toyou and so.
But the counselor I had, sheliterally let me know that it's
(17:23):
okay, it's okay to feel, it'sokay to cry, it's okay to hurt.
You don't have to be this superwoman and put on this cape,
because I'll wear a smile in aminute and no one will know half
the stuff I'm going through.
But, um, when I'm behind closeddoors, you know she let me know
(17:44):
that it's okay.
It's okay to be vulnerable,it's okay to scream, it's okay
to be mad, cause it was for aminute.
I was mad, I was and I wasupset Like God.
Why now?
Why you know why all this pain?
Why me?
And then I had to just changethe narrative and be like why
(18:05):
not me?
and not have like the victimmentality and realize that, okay
, well, he must be doing thisfor a reason.
And so that's how the blog cameabout, because I'm like I'm
going through life's ups anddowns and journeys and I always
was this little girl that lifeis a fairy tale and you know,
I'm gonna be married for 60 plusyears and have this big house
(18:29):
and fancy cars and stuff likethat, and then, as life is life
and you realize life is not afairy tale, right, but it is my
story to tell, and so that'swhat manifested me starting the
blog and it actually is healingfor me so, in saying that, what
do healing look like for you now, personally, professionally and
spiritually?
(18:50):
healing looks like for me isallowing myself, like I said, to
feel, and not really caringwhat anybody thinks about you
know whether they're going tojudge me, whether they're going
to say oh, she's being selfish.
Allowing myself to rest,allowing myself to.
(19:11):
You know, just be me and that.
I feel, like is healing withinitself.
Yeah, you know, I love that.
Take the mask off.
Right, like it's healing withinhimself when it within itself.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, I love that, take themask off right and it's all.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
It's so important
because I know a lot of
caregivers.
They're always like you know, Ifeel like I'm on this island by
myself and they say I and Idon't want to be upset because
or I don't want to.
You know, take it out.
Take it out because they're.
It's like, that's my mom,that's what I'm supposed to do,
or I'm not supposed to befrustrated because this is my,
this is what I need to do.
But at the same time, I thinkit's important for everybody to
(19:47):
understand that you do havefeelings and emotions, and you.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
It is important for
you to let them out, because the
more that you keep, it in youjust bottle it up in it and next
thing, you know, you exploderight, and I think I think
caregiver is the right term, butfor for the caregivers out
there, you are a person thatwear many hats.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Right right.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
You wear many
emotions on your sleeves and you
do a great job, right, like Kimjust said why me?
Then she turned around and saidwhy not me?
Right, and you're excellent.
That's all I have to say.
That's awesome, kim, you'reexcellent.
That's awesome, yes.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
No, I'm telling you,
anyone that is a caregiver and
that is taking care of a lovedone just know that it's OK for
you to not be OK, it's OK foryou to not have great days, but
what you do after that is whatmatters the most.
Like are you just going to laythere and just take it, or are
(20:46):
you going to use that as fuel tokeep you going?
And so that's what I do youknow I just use it as fuel.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
And and.
Caregiving is a balancing act,right, so you want to be able to
care for others without losingyourself, right?
And so how did you balance yourrole as a caregiver with work
and with home?
Speaker 4 (21:06):
Oh, it was hard.
It was hard.
It was.
It was sometimes you know cause?
I'm a clinical nursecoordinator and I'm in a
leadership role, so it's a lotof times you get to work and you
know people are going throughthings themselves and they're
coming to you and they want totalk to you about it.
And you may have so much onyour mind that you know people
are going through thingsthemselves and they're coming to
you and they want to talk toyou about it, and you may have
so much on your mind that you,like, I'm about to explode.
(21:29):
You know and so you have to tryto you know separate church from
state and be like, ok, I gotthis, you know, and go in and
just be there for them.
And a lot of times, things thatI've been through, I actually
tell you know some of myemployees.
I'm like, hey, this is what Iwent through in life and this is
how I navigated it, cause a lotof them are a lot younger you
(21:53):
know, and so that helps them,because it makes it relatable,
because they're like oh well,you know you've been through
some things too, okay, so sotell me this, for for the
caregivers that's out therelistening to you what strategies
or routines help you staygrounded and when you feel an
overwhelm in life.
(22:15):
Prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer,prayer is the biggest one, you
know, um, also journaling, whichmy journaling turns and turned
into my blogs, but prayer hasbeen the biggest things.
When I tell you, I've had tocry out to God because there
were times that I just felt likeI wasn't going to make it, like
(22:40):
I felt like it's just too much,like for one person.
You know, um, especially when Iwas a single mom, it was very
hard because you felt so aloneand so, thankfully, I had a
praying mom, because the timethat my daughter was in the coma
(23:04):
in ICU and she coded and I wasin the room yes, I'm a nurse,
but when you're in that, momentyou're not thinking on nurse
level You're thinking on mychild is
fighting for her life, right,and I remember going down the
hallway because my mom was inthe waiting room and I and they
(23:24):
was they she had coded and I waslike kim, do not faint in this
room, because they need to focuson her.
And I remember just trying towalk down the hallway and the
hallway felt like it was justgetting longer and I got down
there and I don't know if Iblacked out or what, because
when I realized where I was, Iwas, the chaplain was there and
(23:45):
I was just crying on his sleevebut my mom was in that corner
and she was on her knees and shewas praying and speaking in
tongues over my child's life andmy child is about to be 20
years old today.
All right, and this was at, thisis when she was four years old,
but because I had a praying mom, a praying father and I'm a
praying woman, that is what hasallowed me to continue in all
(24:09):
these multiple hats.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Okay and so with that
, because really that's support.
That's really support.
And so now we're we had thestorm, there's healing, now
we're like the rainbow after thestorm, and so that's really
that, that support system.
So what does support look likefor you now, especially as a
wife, a mom and a leader?
Speaker 4 (24:32):
Um, open
communication.
You know, just knowing that Ihave someone to lean on, talk to
.
Um, my husband is verysupportive.
He's um there for me, he allowsme to be myself, he allows me
to be vulnerable.
So that is all the support Ineed.
And then, as far as work, justbeing able to communicate with
(24:56):
the staff, communicate with myfellow employees, and just
knowing that they understandthat sometimes I'm like you know
what I'm going to have todelegate, that I'm not going to
be able to do that.
So, that right.
There is the support.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Let me, speaking on
the rainbow right.
For someone that don't havefamily, in the sense of they are
a caregiver and they don't havea husband, or they don't have
children or whatever the case,but they're going through
something, what would you saythe best fit for them to help
them?
Modern resilience, yeah.
What would you say would helpthem?
Speaker 4 (25:29):
I would definitely
say you need to have a counselor
, an outlet.
Caregivers typically keepthings inside or they feel like
they got to keep you knoweverything together, so they
feel as though they don't wantto let no one in.
Right, and if they don't haveanyone, that's even worse.
(25:49):
So definitely having you know,whether it's church or
professional, but someone thatyou can talk to and just like
blow steam off to where youdon't feel judged that's what
I'm gonna say judge free zoneyeah, and so let's talk about
the blog.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Kim talks right, okay
, so tell us more about the ball
, the, the voice behind the blog.
What do you want readers whenthey, when they come on, to kind
of get from you?
Speaker 4 (26:18):
well.
I want readers to know thatwhen you come to the blog, you
are talking to someone that'sreal, that's relatable, that's
been through some things.
It's not all cookies and creamand that's okay.
I want them to know that theymay be going through things that
I've already gone through andthis is how I have overcame it
(26:41):
or I'm still overcoming.
It's not perfect you know, Istill have my moments, but just
letting them know that it's aprocess and if I can get through
it, you can too.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Right, right and so
the blog originally started out
with your caregiving journey,right, and then you know the
story of the storm and the grief.
What can viewers kind of expectto see moving forward as well?
Speaker 4 (27:09):
Well, I want to talk
through life's challenges, and
so that goes back to my healthchallenges.
It goes back through, you know,divorce, single motherhood and
just how I went through it,because I want to touch
different audiences to let themknow that, hey, I went through,
you know, being there for my momand dad and losing them both
(27:31):
within a year of each other, andI'm still standing.
You know, I went through adivorce.
I'm still standing.
I, you know, went throughparent parenting and I'm still
standing.
So, no matter what comes andwhat the enemy tries to, you
know, throw at you, just knowthat you can still be standing
too, you know, but it's aconscious decision to do that.
(27:53):
It's like, are you gonna stand,are you gonna fall?
Speaker 3 (27:56):
so you gotta make
that decision right I want to
encourage the listeners outthere to go to Kim talks blog.
This young lady right here,this powerful woman of God,
right yeah that is standing onher beliefs and it's standing on
her truth and it's standing onher lessons learned through life
(28:19):
as a caregiver, a mother a wife.
So please, please, tap into KimTalks.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Give them all the
details of where they can go and
check you out and follow youand kind of just follow the
journey in the blog.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
Yes, you can go to
KimTalksnet.
That is my website, and you canfollow me on Facebook and
Instagram at Kim Talks Blogs.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yes, yes.
So I hope this encouraged youguys, because when you're
navigating grief, when you'renavigating being a caregiver or
just life transitions as a whole, it can be very daunting and it
can feel like you're alone, but, like she said, you can still
stand and you can get through it.
So I hope that this kind ofhelped you kind of just know
that there is a team.
(29:03):
That's what this podcast isabout.
It's the journey out, it's uscoming together as community and
journeying from one life'stransition to the next.
But we're doing it withcommunity and we're doing it
with love and we're doing it asa whole.
So I hope this has blessedy'all in tremendous ways, cause,
look, I tried to keep together.
I had a little too.
I tried to keep together and Ithink I did a good job.
(29:24):
So, thank you, you know, justmaking me making me drown over
here, but this was amazing and Ithink thank y'all so very much.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Thank you I
appreciate you, we out of here
man, peace out, peace in theaudience.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Thank you.