March 24, 2025 • 36 mins
Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage: Breathwork, Awareness, and Sustainable Fitness Results
In this episode of the Muscles and Mindset Revolution Podcast, host Anne Jones walks you through a live breathwork / meditation and delves into the topic of self-sabotage.
Coach Anne begins with a guided breathwork and meditation session aimed at enhancing body awareness. The discussion then shifts to identifying and overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors, both conscious and unconscious.
Coach Anne explores the reasons behind these behaviors and provides strategies for breaking the cycle, including inviting compassion, boosting emotional tolerance, and aligning actions with authentic goals.
Practical examples and personal anecdotes are used to help listeners recognize their own patterns and take actionable steps toward sustainable fitness and mental well-being.
00:43 Breath Work and Meditation
10:56 Understanding Self-Sabotage
11:43 Types of Self-Sabotage
13:53 Common Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
20:34 Overcoming Self-Sabotage
27:42 Aligning Actions with Authentic Self
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 8 (00:00):
Welcome to the muscles and mindset revolution
podcast, the show where we cutthrough the BS and make fitness
nutrition and mindset simple,sustainable, and actually
doable, even for the busiestwomen.
I'm Anne Jones, life coach,mindset coach, and fitness
professional for over 15 yearshere to help you build strength,
feel confident AF and finallysee results that last without
(00:23):
stressing, obsessing, orstarting over every Monday.
Today's episode is a littledifferent.
This is a repurposed live groupcoaching call from Inside
Muscles and Mindset, where Icoached my clients on one of my
very favorite topics, the sneakyways self sabotage show up and
more importantly, how to breakfree from it.
(00:43):
Before we dive in, we're goingto start with a few minutes of
breath work and meditation.
So make yourself comfortable andenjoy.
Let's get into it.
Speaker (00:52):
Make yourself comfortable and we're just going
to start with a few minutes ofbreath work, meditation really,
and we'll just do like a bodyawareness practice.
So really what I would like todo is teach you guys more
consistently how to tune intoyour own body because we talk
about it all the time.
So you could lay down if that'slike you're in a position where
(01:14):
that's happening, but if notjust sit comfortably and sit
nice and tall and you can closeyour eyes or If it doesn't feel
quite right to close your eyes,you can just soften your gaze.
And then for those of us whotend to move quickly or aren't
doing a lot of things, I alwaysfeel like it's nice to just take
(01:37):
some cleansing breaths inthrough the nose
Speaker 2 (01:43):
And out through the mouth.
Speaker (01:52):
Then if your feet are on the floor.
I want you to really feel yourfeet on the floor.
Yeah.
Totally rest into whatever it isthat you're sitting on.
And I just want you to take amoment to notice that you are
(02:12):
breathing.
Notice your breath coming inthrough your nostrils, leaving
your nostrils.
And next I'd like you to noticethe place in your body where you
feel the breath the moststrongly.
So it might be that you noticeit most coming in through your
(02:33):
nose.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
You notice it most moving your lungs.
Your ribcage, belly,
Speaker (02:54):
pick one spot where that sensation of breath is the
strongest and then bring yourattention and your awareness to
that spot.
And as you become aware of thissensation of breathing,
particularly in this one area,I'm going to invite you to bring
(03:14):
in a mantra,
Speaker 2 (03:18):
which will really just be as simple as, Breathing
in, breathing out.
And sometimes I like to say ittwice to slow down my breath.
breathing in, breathing in,breathing out, breathing out.
(03:39):
Breathing in, breathing in.
And in a moment, I'm going togive you
Speaker (03:54):
a full minute to give your mind some space to settle
into that rhythm, focusing onthat space in the body where the
sensation of breathing isstrongest,
Speaker 2 (04:06):
and then just being with it.
So come back to breathing in,breathing in, breathing out,
breathing out.
Breathing in, breathing in,breathing out, breathing out.
(04:32):
And if you find yourself gettingdistracted,
Speaker (04:35):
just bring your attention and your awareness
back to that space in your body.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
And come back to your mantra, breathing in, breathing
in, breathing out, breathingout.
And yes, burps and yawns areexcellent signs of shifts in the
nervous system.
So I'm going to give you oneminute now, just follow your
mantra, breathing in, breathingin, breathing out, breathing
(05:06):
out.
(06:05):
Good.
Now I'm going to invite you toexpand that awareness.
To your whole body, from head totoe, simply noticing whenever
something grabs your attention.
So keeping eyes closed, stayingin the body.
(06:27):
You're not looking for anything,but simply waiting patiently
with your breath.
Waiting for a feeling
Speaker (06:34):
in your body to emerge.
And thoughts will come up, andthat's cool.
And sensations will come up too.
And when they do, I just wantyou to observe what you feel.
And it may be useful to put aone word label on it, where in
the body the sensation isoccurring, so we don't create a
(06:56):
story about it, it might just belike,
Speaker 2 (07:01):
I, my knee is aching, you say knee, you notice the
sensation in your stomach, yousay stomach.
Simply labeling where it is.
And when a sensation comes up, Iwant you to attend to it for a
few breaths, simply allowing itto be there.
(07:22):
And then return to the spot inthe body where you're focusing
on breathing in, breathing inand breathing out, breathing
out.
And simply continue to watchyour breath until another
sensation pops up.
(07:42):
And then maintain this practiceof alternating between breathing
and feeling sensations in thebody.
Bring your attention now back tothat space in the body where
you're breathing, breathing in,breathing in, breathing out,
breathing out.
And then you're going to feelthe body, notice all the
(08:04):
sensations that come up.
I'm going to give you twominutes now to simply notice how
your body feels.
Experiencing it from head totoe.
(10:22):
Now the next time you take abreath in, make it a big one.
When you exhale, do it out yourmouth.
Speaker (10:31):
And then keeping your eyes closed for the next moment,
bring your awareness back to myvoice,
Speaker 2 (10:38):
back to the room, wiggling fingers and toes,
feeling your seat on your chair,your feet on the floor.
And when you feel good andready, you can open your eyes
and come back to me.
Speaker (10:55):
Alright, my darlings.
It's
Speaker 2 (10:57):
just one of my fave things to talk about.
Self sabotage.
Let's do it.
Speaker (11:01):
first, we're gonna discuss what self sabotage is.
We're going to talk about thetwo types, why we do it, because
it's wildly successful, that'swhy we do it.
But really self sabotage isundermining our positive goals
and intentions and values withconflicting actions.
These are the things that Irefer to as your SPBs, your self
protective behaviors.
(11:23):
The result is you maintain thestatus quo, right?
We can say we want all thethings, say we want to do all
the things, but when we engagein our SPBs, we're usually
entering into self sabotage andwe stay.
And then we get into all like,this isn't working, blah, blah,
blah, blah, which is one of theways in which self sabotage
keeps us in that lower vibestate.
There are two types of selfsabotage.
(11:45):
Conscious and unconscious.
Conscious, you are aware in themoment that you are making
choices that are in directconflict with your intentions
and values.
Who has done this?
You know, I know what I'm doing.
I'm still doing it.
Yeah, me too.
And then there's unconsciousself sabotage.
You are unaware, you'resubconsciously making choices
(12:05):
that are undermining yourintentions and values in the
moment.
You might realize that happens alot in this program, right?
It's like we're unconsciouslydoing it.
Oh, I was, yeah, I have a bit ofan aha moment.
But we do it because it works.
At some point in time, welearned to deal with situations
in a way that served us in themoment.
Not, you know, we, we didn'thave any better skills.
(12:25):
Usually at a young age, right?
And that's how we learned tohandle disappointment, fear,
pain, uncertainty.
Those are the things that we didto feel loved, to feel like, to
feel in control, to stay safe.
And to control our world andthen because it worked at that
time, we will continue to repeatthe pattern until we've healed
it at the level of the body,which is one of the reasons
that, I want to practice gettinginto the body.
(12:48):
Another reason that we do it issecondary gain.
So we usually subconsciously arereceiving a benefit of not
realizing what we're doing.
and doing it anyways, forexample, and I absolutely have
had clients who did this andrealized that they do it.
Remaining in victim position, sovictim is when you get into it's
the circumstance, this ishappening to me, it's beyond my
(13:10):
control, I can't because ofthis, putting up obstacles,
right?
So this is literally just oneexample, guys, but we could
receive, sympathy, help, andattention in that situation.
It enables us to receiveadditional support, or
literally, I've had clients inthe situation, you receive
financial compensation, youdon't have to take
responsibility for, you know,whatever.
You remain dependent.
(13:32):
Oh, if I heal this, they win,I'm no longer in pain, there's
no, or, or there's no evidenceof what happened to me.
So very much staying in victimposition.
It sounds like that would be nofun, and it's not, but there's
subconsciously a reason that wecontinue to do it.
I'd love for you guys to startto think, if you don't already
know, of your self establishingbehaviors, your SPBs.
(13:53):
But here are some examples.
These are just 10 commonexamples.
It can be pretty much literallyanything, right?
procrastination.
Perfectionism is procrastinationmasquerading as quality control.
I love that.
Because our perfectionisttendencies Will keep us in
procrastination, but we justthink that it's a high achiever,
like positive thing, you know,but really what we're doing is
delaying or avoiding what it'sfor our highest good.
(14:14):
And this works really well toavoid our uncomfortable
feelings.
It works really well to avoidtaking full responsibility for
ourself and our experiences.
Chronic worry gives the illusionof control and certainty when
you're feeling helpless orcertain.
we kind of have a limitingbelief that worry does something
for us, but it's neverproductive in the long run, and
(14:35):
almost always leads to anxiety,because it's a future thing,
right?
But it keeps, it works reallywell to keep you in a lower vibe
state.
Remember, our brain, our nervoussystem is always trying to
conserve energy and keep ussafe.
and comfortable.
And comfort is no change, right?
So if you're very used to livingin worry, living in anxiety,
(14:55):
being hypervigilant, your systemwill literally fight to keep you
there.
So when I say keep you in a lowvibe state, it might sound like,
oh, that's ridiculous, why wouldanyone do that?
Your body is doing it for youbecause it feels normal and
safe.
Okay, number three, judgment.
Which is the ultimate mirror anddeflector.
This is judgment of others andof ourselves.
Right, which I know a lot of us,buy into.
(15:17):
So instead of being curiousabout our triggers and using
them as an opportunity forgrowth, healing, and rising, we
deflect our discomfort byjudging ourselves or others.
And this works really well toprevent intimacy, closeness in
relationships.
It holds us from having to bevulnerable.
You know, if we're judgingsomething out someone else,
okay, what she's doing isstupid.
I don't have to like, look at myown thing.
(15:38):
And also keeps us in a lowervibe state.
Very similar comparison.
This one is pretty common andrampant, especially in my, in my
high achievers here, but it'sliterally the thief of joy.
When I say comparison, I mean toyour, to others, to yourself, a
previous version of yourself.
I've had so many clients,particularly like in the fitness
and body, space comparingthemselves to a previous version
(16:01):
of themselves.
Like, a doctor told me when Iwas 21 that I should weigh 120.
Before I had babies 10 yearsago.
I weighed this, like, completelyirrelevant, but we do it all the
time.
I used to be able to X, Y, andZ, right?
Not, probably no longerrelevant.
Negativity.
Yeah, but.
I have to say, I am guilty ofthis yeah, but.
(16:21):
And I really only realized itrecently, because I'm like, I'm
a very positive person.
But I noticed, catching myself,that I would be like, oh my
gosh, I love this view.
But, you know, like, I don'tknow if I'm going to have it
for, and I was like, Oh, Irecently just realized that I do
that.
And it robs you from justexperiencing the joy in the
moment.
(16:43):
It robs us of that.
So it's not always just beingnegative, saying negative things
to and about yourself.
It's also robbing yourself ofenjoying a positive experience.
And it's also focusing on whatis not working.
You know, in your check in, itsays focus on the gain, not the
gap.
Focusing on the gap is a very,I'm not good enough.
That's not good enough.
What we're doing right now isnot good enough, right?
And then it can also get us intoworry, catastrophizing, worst
(17:05):
case scenario, very, very, veryin our head, right?
Really difficult to experiencelove, joy, and fulfillment when
we're so in our head about kids.
All the things that are not andcould go wrong.
Chaos and drama.
I would say this is like often asubconscious one, whether it's
creating your own or gettingcaught up in other people's
chaos and drama.
But it serves often as adistraction from having to take
(17:27):
full responsibility for your ownlife.
So, and it can look like Someonewho is lacking some fulfillment,
purpose, or connection cansubconsciously fill that void by
engaging in other people's chaosand drama.
I feel like this is why Facebookexists.
It's because Random people getsecondary gain from chaos and
drama.
Substance use and abuse.
So, alcohol and drug use, super,super, super common.
(17:49):
Because it's a quick hit, right?
It's like for our Friday,Saturday brain, it's a dopamine
hit, it's soothing, but itdoesn't allow for authentic
connection with others orourselves.
When I say ourselves, and Ialways use the example like, if
I'm doing the breathwork that wejust did or I'm writing in my
journal, I do not have the same,I don't receive the same DMs
from my brain that I do afterI've had a glass of wine as if I
(18:12):
don't.
You know what I mean?
The connection is not the same.
It's impossible to get into yourbody.
Chronic lateness.
I had so many ladies in my groupbe like, Oh my god, I totally do
this.
Chronic lateness is often a signof self sabotage.
It can erode your relationshipsand leads to a lack of trust and
respect with friends and familymembers.
I'd say people often do thisunconsciously, subconsciously.
Yeah, we can get a lot ofsecondary gain from that guy.
(18:34):
Stress eating! I feel like we'veall done this.
This really should say emotionaleating, of which stress eating
is part of it.
Because food, substances, offersa quick temporary fix, right?
Works for loneliness, works forstress, anxiety, distraction.
But distraction is always, we'relooking usually for connection
or distraction, right?
And then lastly, intimacy andcommitment issues.
I used to be so guilty of thisin my relationship, until I did
(18:57):
this work.
Intentionally abandoning orruining otherwise healthy
relationships out of fear ofHonestly, sometimes I'd like
being vulnerable of it gettingtoo good.
Oh, that's really uncomfortable.
This can't be real.
I may have to be uncomfortableor vulnerable.
So it protects you from gettinghurt, essentially.
you had an aha moment, andthat's the key, right?
(19:18):
It's like, until we look atthis, we don't necessarily know
what our triggers are, and nowthat you know what your trigger
is, it doesn't mean you're goingto eliminate it tonight, but you
can see it turning.
You can work on it, and thenyou, and you can ask yourself in
the moment, okay, what am Iactually craving right now?
It's like, I'm notuncomfortable.
I'm not eating because I'muncomfortable.
(19:38):
I'm eating because I'm anasshole who can't stop eating.
Like, that's what everyone saysto me, literally.
I can't, I'm an uncontrollable,like, terrible person.
No, you're not.
It's serving a purpose in someway.
You're looking for somethingelse.
You have a stress bucket, okay?
You have a window of tolerance.
(19:59):
It is much easier to see thesethings coming and choose
something different when yourstress bucket and your window of
tolerance are not full.
So I'm just saying that becauseI think that sleep is a part of,
an integral part of the flywheelfor most of us.
So when you're not sleeping andthen there's all these
(20:19):
circumstances, sure we can havea perspective when something
shitty happens.
But, every time somethinghappens, it fills our stress
bucket, and then especially ifwe're not practiced, or we don't
have this awareness, it becomesharder to make a choice that's
for our highest good.
Okay.
So how on earth do we removethis from our lives?
Well, first of all, invitingcompassion and understanding.
(20:40):
So.
Seeking to understand thepurpose of it.
So I think some of you arealready kind of making
connections, aha moments, whatam I actually needing right now?
I've totally been there too,that when, and I don't do this
so much anymore, but I used to.
When I was lonely, it was likewine and my phone.
Those are my things.
But really I was like, oh, Ithink actually I just like want
to talk to somebody.
(21:01):
Or what am I afraid of rightnow?
So I'm not, I'm afraid of notdoing it perfectly.
I'm afraid of failing.
I'm afraid of being vulnerablewith this person and then
getting hurt.
I'm afraid of beinguncomfortable.
What if I'm sitting here bymyself and I start thinking
about that stupid thing I saidseven years ago and then I have
to like, oh, think about howstupid I am.
And we're really just afraid ofall the terrible things we're
(21:21):
going to say to ourselves.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
You know?
Speaker (21:22):
What is feeling uncomfortable right now?
So has anyone ever successfullyor other, successfully, has
anyone ever successfullybypassed their self protective
behavior?
So like, I know, I know some ofyou have.
I 100%, I'm pretty sure all ofyou have.
So for example, you think abouteating the thing for a long
time, and then you maybe don'teat the thing.
(21:43):
Or you don't eat all of thething.
Or you don't drink the thing.
Can you relate to this?
that's the uncomfortable piece.
This is what I want to draw yourattention to.
Isn't that the mostuncomfortable 20 minutes of your
life?
Not engaging in that behaviorand having the negotiating with
terrorism.
if you can stay there.
Oh my gosh.
Why is this so uncomfortable?
You can so much more frequentlysuccessfully bypass it because
(22:04):
when we skip over it or weengage in the thing, we don't
have to address it and it keepsthat charge.
But when you get through it,like a number of times.
You build confidence and you'relike, Oh yeah, this sucks right
now.
But There's another, there'sanother side over here.
But once you can see that yourself sabotaging habit is meeting
an authentic need, soloneliness, connection, like
(22:25):
lack of connection, fear foryour safety, like if it's about
money or overworking.
There's an authentic somethingthere, right?
You're afraid.
You're afraid of someone beingmad at you.
You're afraid of the terriblethings you're going to say to
yourself.
You're afraid of failing.
Like, these things are real.
We're not saying these feelingsand fears are not real.
So let's just call it, like,let's see it happening.
(22:46):
Oh, what am I actually needing?
Oh, I'm actually, like, justreally don't want this person to
be mad at me, so I'm going toemail them back at 2am.
You know, like, that's notnecessarily a healthy boundary,
and we can still validate thefeeling.
The part of you that's doing thebest that they can with the
skills that they have, even ifit's less than ideal Tough love
and shaming does not work.
(23:07):
I think you guys know that,that's why you're all here,
because you know that we're notmotivated by fear or shame, we
are motivated by love and peace.
so, number one is to know.
What your, what your selfprotective behavior is.
Start to identify your trigger,which is something we can talk
(23:27):
about another day, if you guyswould like.
I have a whole activity forthat.
So you can see it coming.
And then inviting compassion andunderstanding, like we're doing
now.
Okay, why is this souncomfortable for me?
Why do I feel like I need in mysoul to do this and eat this
thing right now?
Or, like, am I feeling lonely?
What's actually going on?
Number one.
Our nervous system is just animprint of everything that we've
(23:48):
experienced ever, but mostlyunder the age of 12.
So, it is our primal, this isthe protector, this is the fight
or flight, the lion's coming toget you, lives.
It's here.
And when you're tired, you donot have this like executive
function.
You are only making decisionsand operating from the base
level, which is why we regulatethe nervous system.
Your prefrontal cortex, which isnot finished developing until
(24:10):
you're 21, is our center ofexecutive decision making and
control.
So it is your, what I call yourSunday night, Monday morning
brain when you're like regulatedand you're like, I'm so tired of
feeling this way.
Why do I do this?
Like, why did I eat all thethings or whatever?
When you're regulated, it's veryeasy to see that.
But, it's like the futurethinker, the future pacer.
(24:31):
But when you're dysregulated,when you're tired, when you've
already had three drinks, You'renot operating from executive
function.
You're in like YOLO.
I want the dopamine hit now.
I'm a caveman.
I need meat.
Like you're operating from yourprimal brain.
and that's the one that's goingto talk you into it, like, maybe
you're hungry.
Oh, we just do have one more.
(24:51):
It's really not a big deal.
That's the conversation you'rehaving down here when you're
dysregulated.
You're not thinking from thisplace that's like, Oh, it's not
really in line with how I wantto feel on a brain level.
So again, so valid, makes somuch sense.
But can you even just start tosee it as that's literally just
my brain.
That doesn't mean that it'strue.
Number two.
boosting our emotionaltolerance.
So when I say window oftolerance, I say stress bucket,
(25:13):
and I know this to be truebecause I've done it.
Your window will start whereverit is now.
So let's say your window oftolerance is, this is all I
have, is this big.
But then your, you know, bossyells at you and your kid got
sick.
And all these things are fillingyour bucket, and for a while,
your stress bucket will remainthe same size, because that's a
(25:36):
skill that you have right now,so we have to use your skills to
cope with the same size stressbucket.
But over time, we can literallygrow the bucket.
You can boost your emotionaltolerance.
You can boost your resilience.
And so whether your habit isalways being in a low vibe,
always feeling low, alwayssitting in procrastination.
(25:57):
Or being too intense, do, do,do, do, do, hustle, hustle,
hustle.
Incrementally strengthening yourability to sit with the
discomfort and not do anythingabout it, get out of fixing, is
essential.
Right?
And then we can, this is why I'mso big on titrating.
I want you to feel anxious andpull in a one minute tool.
Because that's what you have thecapacity for right now.
(26:17):
And then, you know, next weekwe'll use a two minute tool.
And you'll be able to sit withthis for two minutes.
Incrementally growing yourtolerance.
So when you feel an overwhelmingemotion come on, see if you can
sit with it for literally 10seconds, and then 20 seconds,
and so on.
And you might pull in anaffirmation, all is well in my
world.
It's safe for me to feel good.
Fear is just an illusion.
One of mine previously has been,it's safe to be present.
(26:40):
Okay.
I don't have to, I don't want toopen another tab.
It's actually safe to be presentand do what I'm doing right now
because emotions are actuallyjust chemical surges from your
limbic system that lasts for 90seconds.
They're not good.
They're not bad.
They're literally just like yourbrain be doing.
Your system is doing chemicalshit.
That's all just information.
It's the, meaning you assign toit and the story you tell after
(27:00):
that determines how you affectit.
If you guys have not seen myrunning of a model, circumstance
be what it is.
Circumstance might happen.
Some guy might, I don't know whyI thought of this example.
Some dumb guy could run nakedpast my window right now.
I'm gonna have an emotion aboutit.
But then it passes or I create awhole drama about it and do a
bunch of things be the emotionis real.
But can you sit with it withouttelling a story or making it
(27:23):
mean something?
Oh, my God, I live in a terribleneighborhood.
And like, why isn't my fenceclosed?
I'm like, my child's probablydoing drugs right now.
Like, that's really, reallygetting wrapped up in a story
about it.
Right?
Or can we just be like, Oh, thisthing happened.
Well, that kind of made me feellike this.
Okay.
And then next to a new actionbased on how you are wired.
So we do all this self awarenesswork because you have to know
(27:46):
yourself to act accordingly.
And create something that'srealistic and aligned for who
you are.
So, I'm trying to think of someexamples of this, but when you
force yourself to go againstyour wiring because you were
told like, this is the right wayto do it, or this is the right
thing to do, I wouldn't even sayit can be exhausting.
I would say it is exhausting andit is soul depleting.
(28:08):
Which is a great trigger forself sabotage, and I would say
that this is why most women whoI talk to and work with are
exhausted, burnt out, and soultired, is from, trying to do
anything someone else's way.
So, I mean, is fitness not agreat example?
I've been talking to you guysabout ideal versus optimal.
Sure, it would be ideal to Eatonly whole foods, six times a
(28:32):
day, and go to spin five times aweek, and also do force
strength, like, that would begreat, that's not optimal for
your life, and yet we still tryto shove ourselves into all
sorts of, routines like thatanyways, don't we?
I will sometimes be reluctantwhen clients ask for, like a
morning routine because I knowthey're comparing it to my
morning routine, which I've beenworking on for five years.
And so I don't really want totell you because you're going to
(28:55):
try to shove yourself intosomething that I've been trying
to do for at least, you know,see what I'm saying?
And then it's a failure and thenI'm a basket case and I can't
even get a morning routineright.
It becomes a whole thing.
So I'm more interested in.
what feels good to you like whatis one to ten percent more than
you're doing now, but as I'msaying this I think that this
comes up a lot in health andfitness because I think there's
(29:16):
so many shoulds and so muchinformation and so much
comparison and she's doing thisand my friend is doing this and
well I have the impression thatit's taking her this long to do
this and so I should do that.
So, for one thing it causes alot of distraction, routine
hopping.
Because instead of just stickingto what's working for us and
doubling down on that, Oh, maybeit's faster if I do it like
(29:39):
this, and then we never seeresults in any way.
Or we're forcing ourselves to dosomething that feels absolutely
terrible.
and then that's a trigger forself sabotage.
We engage in self sabotage, weengage in our SPBs, and then
we're like, Well, fitness doesnot work for me.
Obviously, I've just proved itbecause I just did all these
things, right?
So as I'm saying this, what doyou try and force yourself to do
because you think you should?
(30:00):
What are your shoulds?
That doesn't feel good.
I'll give you an example.
Well, I just gave you somefitness examples, but, I heard a
lot about diets.
My friend is doing this diet.
My friend says that, like, Ishould be in a calorie deficit.
Should I be doing cardio thismany times a day?
I hate cardio, but should I domore cardio?
I'm losing weight, but it's notfast enough.
Should I do more party hope?
Even though I hate it.
that kind of thing.
or you know I love planner porn,so, I'll always be like to my
(30:23):
friends, like, can I see yourcalendar?
what does it look like?
And then compare my calendar totheir calendar.
I don't do that anymore, butit's irrelevant.
So what do you try and forceyourself to do because you think
you should?
Fasting, cleaning the house andbeing perfectly organized.
One of the best phrases I everlearned is, that's not for me.
instead of being like, I hatethat dress on you, just in my
(30:46):
head, that's just, you know,that's just not for me.
Fasting?
Not for me.
you can still ask others howthey're taking action, and we're
not making it mean anythingabout us and how we quote
unquote should operate becausethere is no right way.
There are just ways that arealigned for you.
And then lastly, connect to yourcompelling reason why.
(31:06):
Why do you want to stop yourself sabotaging pattern?
Is it not serving for you insome way?
Or maybe it's working right now.
when I first moved and I feltlike an absolute gong, my actual
therapist, my psychologist,because I was like, I'm doing
this and I'm doing this and I'mdoing this.
She's like, we're just not goingto worry about most of those
right now.
I was like, okay, so it's like,we're not going to remove all
(31:27):
the, and I've had clients withthat as well, who are trying to
quit smoking and startexercising and stop being
critical.
And also let's just not takeeverything away all at once,
because it's going to blow outyour nervous system and then
you're going to crash and thenwe're going to be starting from
zero anyway.
So, no shame for what'shappening right now, but also
how do you want to feel?
And what would you love toexperience?
(31:47):
And why?
How do you think you will feel?
I just did this activity with myRISE ladies a couple hours ago,
so I got them to give examplesof the experience they want to
have.
One of them, her thing hasalways been, like, I want to
have the mobility so that, if Istepped in my dog's pee, I can
just hop to the sink on onefoot, no problem.
That's the experience that shewants to have, because the
(32:09):
emotion on the other side ofthat is, like, Ease,
contentment, no big deal.
And so, what I want you to leadwith is that feeling.
Because how do you become theperson who has that kind of
mobility?
It's not from telling yourselfthat you suck and you should
work out seven times a week.
It's leading with the feeling ofease, contentment, and peace.
Oh, I feel like doing thatmobility thing that like, helps
(32:32):
me, my balance, or whatever.
Like that feels fun.
That's what motivates.
Women in particular, not likeyou should do this and you
should do this and you suck ifyou don't do this.
So what would you love toexperience?
Why?
What's the feeling that youthink that you're going to have
always focus on what you want,not what you don't want.
I even forget that this is athing.
Cause you guys, I hope noticelike coming into this program,
(32:52):
having your first conversationwith me, filling out your
application form, I will alwaysflip what you say into a
positive.
Always.
And there will never be aquestion that's like.
What do you not want?
It's like, how do you want tofeel?
What do you want, Okay, cool.
We're gonna lead with that.
We're not gonna lead with I wantto stop eating and I want to
stop being a jerk to mychildren.
What do you want to feel?
(33:12):
Like that's how we get there.
And then make sure that that isin line with your authentic self
now.
So, inviting, why am I doingthis?
Maybe there's a real reason, andthen having some compassion for
it, boosting your tolerance,sitting with it, a little
longer, a little longer, gettingthrough it.
And then choosing new actionsthat are really, really, really,
really based on you, your goals,your desires, and how you are
(33:34):
wired.
Not how, your friend Bethany isdoing a fast, or, what her deck
looks like, but literally, thatare in line That gets you really
excited, which is another reasonthat I'm really big on goal
setting with you and doing yourcompelling visions.
I want you to think about howyou feel.
Let's not spend another momentthinking about how you don't
want to feel.
We are very familiar with that.
Let's get really excited abouthow you want to feel.
(33:56):
What you would love toexperience.
Connect to that feeling and thenlead from that place.
whether it's about your healthor your fitness or something
else, scripting it is beautiful,Okay, this is the experience
that I want to have.
Write it out as if you're havingit.
I have the number one talk showon CBS.
I don't know, I feel like that'swhat everyone wanted in the 90s.
And then like, what will youhave?
(34:16):
Why does that matter to me, toyou?
How will it feel?
What emotions will I have?
What will be possible?
What can I do for others?
That's a good one for mycaretakers who have trouble with
self care.
What can I do for others?
What capacity will I have?
What will I be able to give whenI'm having this experience in my
body or whatever?
Why is it so important?
And then there's youraffirmations.
Read that to yourself.
(34:36):
This is who I am.
Talk to yourself as if youalready have it because the
universe always says, yes,you'll just receive a match for
whatever you are putting out.
So we are embodying.
Future vision of ourselves andthen bringing it to life.
And then we don't sit back anddo nothing.
We take inspired action.
We bring it to life by saying itover and over and over speaking
as if
Speaker 9 (34:54):
All right, that's it for today's episode.
I hope this gave you somepowerful insight into how self
sabotage shows up and moreimportantly, how you can break
free of the cycle for good,because here's the truth.
The women who see lasting,sustainable results aren't just
more disciplined.
They're not just more motivated.
They don't just have morewillpower.
That's not why they're notconstantly entering into self
(35:17):
sabotage.
They have learned how to workwith their bodies and brains,
not against them.
And that is exactly what I amteaching inside Flow,
Speaker 10 (35:25):
my live course designed to help you achieve
more with ease so you can stopoverworking, stop overthinking
and start seeing real lastingresults.
If you're tired, spinning yourwheels, feeling stuck, stressed
or like you're never doingenough, flow will show you how
to break free from the hustleand step into a stronger, more
confident and balanced life.
Speaker 11 (35:45):
Enrollment for Flow is officially open and I would
love for you to join us.
Head to the link in the shownotes to sign up now.
Speaker 10 (35:52):
And if this episode hit home for you, send me a DM
on Instagram at an Jones fitthat's an with an E and Jones
fit.
I would love to hear yourbiggest takeaway.
Thanks for tuning in and I'llsee you next week.
Welcome to the muscles and mindset revolution
podcast, the show where we cutthrough the BS and make fitness
nutrition and mindset simple,sustainable, and actually
doable, even for the busiestwomen.
I'm Anne Jones, life coach,mindset coach, and fitness
professional for over 15 yearshere to help you build strength,
feel confident AF and finallysee results that last without
(00:23):
stressing, obsessing, orstarting over every Monday.
Today's episode is a littledifferent.
This is a repurposed live groupcoaching call from Inside
Muscles and Mindset, where Icoached my clients on one of my
very favorite topics, the sneakyways self sabotage show up and
more importantly, how to breakfree from it.
(00:43):
Before we dive in, we're goingto start with a few minutes of
breath work and meditation.
So make yourself comfortable andenjoy.
Let's get into it.
Speaker (00:52):
Make yourself comfortable and we're just going
to start with a few minutes ofbreath work, meditation really,
and we'll just do like a bodyawareness practice.
So really what I would like todo is teach you guys more
consistently how to tune intoyour own body because we talk
about it all the time.
So you could lay down if that'slike you're in a position where
(01:14):
that's happening, but if notjust sit comfortably and sit
nice and tall and you can closeyour eyes or If it doesn't feel
quite right to close your eyes,you can just soften your gaze.
And then for those of us whotend to move quickly or aren't
doing a lot of things, I alwaysfeel like it's nice to just take
(01:37):
some cleansing breaths inthrough the nose
Speaker 2 (01:43):
And out through the mouth.
Speaker (01:52):
Then if your feet are on the floor.
I want you to really feel yourfeet on the floor.
Yeah.
Totally rest into whatever it isthat you're sitting on.
And I just want you to take amoment to notice that you are
(02:12):
breathing.
Notice your breath coming inthrough your nostrils, leaving
your nostrils.
And next I'd like you to noticethe place in your body where you
feel the breath the moststrongly.
So it might be that you noticeit most coming in through your
(02:33):
nose.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
You notice it most moving your lungs.
Your ribcage, belly,
Speaker (02:54):
pick one spot where that sensation of breath is the
strongest and then bring yourattention and your awareness to
that spot.
And as you become aware of thissensation of breathing,
particularly in this one area,I'm going to invite you to bring
(03:14):
in a mantra,
Speaker 2 (03:18):
which will really just be as simple as, Breathing
in, breathing out.
And sometimes I like to say ittwice to slow down my breath.
breathing in, breathing in,breathing out, breathing out.
(03:39):
Breathing in, breathing in.
And in a moment, I'm going togive you
Speaker (03:54):
a full minute to give your mind some space to settle
into that rhythm, focusing onthat space in the body where the
sensation of breathing isstrongest,
Speaker 2 (04:06):
and then just being with it.
So come back to breathing in,breathing in, breathing out,
breathing out.
Breathing in, breathing in,breathing out, breathing out.
(04:32):
And if you find yourself gettingdistracted,
Speaker (04:35):
just bring your attention and your awareness
back to that space in your body.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
And come back to your mantra, breathing in, breathing
in, breathing out, breathingout.
And yes, burps and yawns areexcellent signs of shifts in the
nervous system.
So I'm going to give you oneminute now, just follow your
mantra, breathing in, breathingin, breathing out, breathing
(05:06):
out.
(06:05):
Good.
Now I'm going to invite you toexpand that awareness.
To your whole body, from head totoe, simply noticing whenever
something grabs your attention.
So keeping eyes closed, stayingin the body.
(06:27):
You're not looking for anything,but simply waiting patiently
with your breath.
Waiting for a feeling
Speaker (06:34):
in your body to emerge.
And thoughts will come up, andthat's cool.
And sensations will come up too.
And when they do, I just wantyou to observe what you feel.
And it may be useful to put aone word label on it, where in
the body the sensation isoccurring, so we don't create a
(06:56):
story about it, it might just belike,
Speaker 2 (07:01):
I, my knee is aching, you say knee, you notice the
sensation in your stomach, yousay stomach.
Simply labeling where it is.
And when a sensation comes up, Iwant you to attend to it for a
few breaths, simply allowing itto be there.
(07:22):
And then return to the spot inthe body where you're focusing
on breathing in, breathing inand breathing out, breathing
out.
And simply continue to watchyour breath until another
sensation pops up.
(07:42):
And then maintain this practiceof alternating between breathing
and feeling sensations in thebody.
Bring your attention now back tothat space in the body where
you're breathing, breathing in,breathing in, breathing out,
breathing out.
And then you're going to feelthe body, notice all the
(08:04):
sensations that come up.
I'm going to give you twominutes now to simply notice how
your body feels.
Experiencing it from head totoe.
(10:22):
Now the next time you take abreath in, make it a big one.
When you exhale, do it out yourmouth.
Speaker (10:31):
And then keeping your eyes closed for the next moment,
bring your awareness back to myvoice,
Speaker 2 (10:38):
back to the room, wiggling fingers and toes,
feeling your seat on your chair,your feet on the floor.
And when you feel good andready, you can open your eyes
and come back to me.
Speaker (10:55):
Alright, my darlings.
It's
Speaker 2 (10:57):
just one of my fave things to talk about.
Self sabotage.
Let's do it.
Speaker (11:01):
first, we're gonna discuss what self sabotage is.
We're going to talk about thetwo types, why we do it, because
it's wildly successful, that'swhy we do it.
But really self sabotage isundermining our positive goals
and intentions and values withconflicting actions.
These are the things that Irefer to as your SPBs, your self
protective behaviors.
(11:23):
The result is you maintain thestatus quo, right?
We can say we want all thethings, say we want to do all
the things, but when we engagein our SPBs, we're usually
entering into self sabotage andwe stay.
And then we get into all like,this isn't working, blah, blah,
blah, blah, which is one of theways in which self sabotage
keeps us in that lower vibestate.
There are two types of selfsabotage.
(11:45):
Conscious and unconscious.
Conscious, you are aware in themoment that you are making
choices that are in directconflict with your intentions
and values.
Who has done this?
You know, I know what I'm doing.
I'm still doing it.
Yeah, me too.
And then there's unconsciousself sabotage.
You are unaware, you'resubconsciously making choices
(12:05):
that are undermining yourintentions and values in the
moment.
You might realize that happens alot in this program, right?
It's like we're unconsciouslydoing it.
Oh, I was, yeah, I have a bit ofan aha moment.
But we do it because it works.
At some point in time, welearned to deal with situations
in a way that served us in themoment.
Not, you know, we, we didn'thave any better skills.
(12:25):
Usually at a young age, right?
And that's how we learned tohandle disappointment, fear,
pain, uncertainty.
Those are the things that we didto feel loved, to feel like, to
feel in control, to stay safe.
And to control our world andthen because it worked at that
time, we will continue to repeatthe pattern until we've healed
it at the level of the body,which is one of the reasons
that, I want to practice gettinginto the body.
(12:48):
Another reason that we do it issecondary gain.
So we usually subconsciously arereceiving a benefit of not
realizing what we're doing.
and doing it anyways, forexample, and I absolutely have
had clients who did this andrealized that they do it.
Remaining in victim position, sovictim is when you get into it's
the circumstance, this ishappening to me, it's beyond my
(13:10):
control, I can't because ofthis, putting up obstacles,
right?
So this is literally just oneexample, guys, but we could
receive, sympathy, help, andattention in that situation.
It enables us to receiveadditional support, or
literally, I've had clients inthe situation, you receive
financial compensation, youdon't have to take
responsibility for, you know,whatever.
You remain dependent.
(13:32):
Oh, if I heal this, they win,I'm no longer in pain, there's
no, or, or there's no evidenceof what happened to me.
So very much staying in victimposition.
It sounds like that would be nofun, and it's not, but there's
subconsciously a reason that wecontinue to do it.
I'd love for you guys to startto think, if you don't already
know, of your self establishingbehaviors, your SPBs.
(13:53):
But here are some examples.
These are just 10 commonexamples.
It can be pretty much literallyanything, right?
procrastination.
Perfectionism is procrastinationmasquerading as quality control.
I love that.
Because our perfectionisttendencies Will keep us in
procrastination, but we justthink that it's a high achiever,
like positive thing, you know,but really what we're doing is
delaying or avoiding what it'sfor our highest good.
(14:14):
And this works really well toavoid our uncomfortable
feelings.
It works really well to avoidtaking full responsibility for
ourself and our experiences.
Chronic worry gives the illusionof control and certainty when
you're feeling helpless orcertain.
we kind of have a limitingbelief that worry does something
for us, but it's neverproductive in the long run, and
(14:35):
almost always leads to anxiety,because it's a future thing,
right?
But it keeps, it works reallywell to keep you in a lower vibe
state.
Remember, our brain, our nervoussystem is always trying to
conserve energy and keep ussafe.
and comfortable.
And comfort is no change, right?
So if you're very used to livingin worry, living in anxiety,
(14:55):
being hypervigilant, your systemwill literally fight to keep you
there.
So when I say keep you in a lowvibe state, it might sound like,
oh, that's ridiculous, why wouldanyone do that?
Your body is doing it for youbecause it feels normal and
safe.
Okay, number three, judgment.
Which is the ultimate mirror anddeflector.
This is judgment of others andof ourselves.
Right, which I know a lot of us,buy into.
(15:17):
So instead of being curiousabout our triggers and using
them as an opportunity forgrowth, healing, and rising, we
deflect our discomfort byjudging ourselves or others.
And this works really well toprevent intimacy, closeness in
relationships.
It holds us from having to bevulnerable.
You know, if we're judgingsomething out someone else,
okay, what she's doing isstupid.
I don't have to like, look at myown thing.
(15:38):
And also keeps us in a lowervibe state.
Very similar comparison.
This one is pretty common andrampant, especially in my, in my
high achievers here, but it'sliterally the thief of joy.
When I say comparison, I mean toyour, to others, to yourself, a
previous version of yourself.
I've had so many clients,particularly like in the fitness
and body, space comparingthemselves to a previous version
(16:01):
of themselves.
Like, a doctor told me when Iwas 21 that I should weigh 120.
Before I had babies 10 yearsago.
I weighed this, like, completelyirrelevant, but we do it all the
time.
I used to be able to X, Y, andZ, right?
Not, probably no longerrelevant.
Negativity.
Yeah, but.
I have to say, I am guilty ofthis yeah, but.
(16:21):
And I really only realized itrecently, because I'm like, I'm
a very positive person.
But I noticed, catching myself,that I would be like, oh my
gosh, I love this view.
But, you know, like, I don'tknow if I'm going to have it
for, and I was like, Oh, Irecently just realized that I do
that.
And it robs you from justexperiencing the joy in the
moment.
(16:43):
It robs us of that.
So it's not always just beingnegative, saying negative things
to and about yourself.
It's also robbing yourself ofenjoying a positive experience.
And it's also focusing on whatis not working.
You know, in your check in, itsays focus on the gain, not the
gap.
Focusing on the gap is a very,I'm not good enough.
That's not good enough.
What we're doing right now isnot good enough, right?
And then it can also get us intoworry, catastrophizing, worst
(17:05):
case scenario, very, very, veryin our head, right?
Really difficult to experiencelove, joy, and fulfillment when
we're so in our head about kids.
All the things that are not andcould go wrong.
Chaos and drama.
I would say this is like often asubconscious one, whether it's
creating your own or gettingcaught up in other people's
chaos and drama.
But it serves often as adistraction from having to take
(17:27):
full responsibility for your ownlife.
So, and it can look like Someonewho is lacking some fulfillment,
purpose, or connection cansubconsciously fill that void by
engaging in other people's chaosand drama.
I feel like this is why Facebookexists.
It's because Random people getsecondary gain from chaos and
drama.
Substance use and abuse.
So, alcohol and drug use, super,super, super common.
(17:49):
Because it's a quick hit, right?
It's like for our Friday,Saturday brain, it's a dopamine
hit, it's soothing, but itdoesn't allow for authentic
connection with others orourselves.
When I say ourselves, and Ialways use the example like, if
I'm doing the breathwork that wejust did or I'm writing in my
journal, I do not have the same,I don't receive the same DMs
from my brain that I do afterI've had a glass of wine as if I
(18:12):
don't.
You know what I mean?
The connection is not the same.
It's impossible to get into yourbody.
Chronic lateness.
I had so many ladies in my groupbe like, Oh my god, I totally do
this.
Chronic lateness is often a signof self sabotage.
It can erode your relationshipsand leads to a lack of trust and
respect with friends and familymembers.
I'd say people often do thisunconsciously, subconsciously.
Yeah, we can get a lot ofsecondary gain from that guy.
(18:34):
Stress eating! I feel like we'veall done this.
This really should say emotionaleating, of which stress eating
is part of it.
Because food, substances, offersa quick temporary fix, right?
Works for loneliness, works forstress, anxiety, distraction.
But distraction is always, we'relooking usually for connection
or distraction, right?
And then lastly, intimacy andcommitment issues.
I used to be so guilty of thisin my relationship, until I did
(18:57):
this work.
Intentionally abandoning orruining otherwise healthy
relationships out of fear ofHonestly, sometimes I'd like
being vulnerable of it gettingtoo good.
Oh, that's really uncomfortable.
This can't be real.
I may have to be uncomfortableor vulnerable.
So it protects you from gettinghurt, essentially.
you had an aha moment, andthat's the key, right?
(19:18):
It's like, until we look atthis, we don't necessarily know
what our triggers are, and nowthat you know what your trigger
is, it doesn't mean you're goingto eliminate it tonight, but you
can see it turning.
You can work on it, and thenyou, and you can ask yourself in
the moment, okay, what am Iactually craving right now?
It's like, I'm notuncomfortable.
I'm not eating because I'muncomfortable.
(19:38):
I'm eating because I'm anasshole who can't stop eating.
Like, that's what everyone saysto me, literally.
I can't, I'm an uncontrollable,like, terrible person.
No, you're not.
It's serving a purpose in someway.
You're looking for somethingelse.
You have a stress bucket, okay?
You have a window of tolerance.
(19:59):
It is much easier to see thesethings coming and choose
something different when yourstress bucket and your window of
tolerance are not full.
So I'm just saying that becauseI think that sleep is a part of,
an integral part of the flywheelfor most of us.
So when you're not sleeping andthen there's all these
(20:19):
circumstances, sure we can havea perspective when something
shitty happens.
But, every time somethinghappens, it fills our stress
bucket, and then especially ifwe're not practiced, or we don't
have this awareness, it becomesharder to make a choice that's
for our highest good.
Okay.
So how on earth do we removethis from our lives?
Well, first of all, invitingcompassion and understanding.
(20:40):
So.
Seeking to understand thepurpose of it.
So I think some of you arealready kind of making
connections, aha moments, whatam I actually needing right now?
I've totally been there too,that when, and I don't do this
so much anymore, but I used to.
When I was lonely, it was likewine and my phone.
Those are my things.
But really I was like, oh, Ithink actually I just like want
to talk to somebody.
(21:01):
Or what am I afraid of rightnow?
So I'm not, I'm afraid of notdoing it perfectly.
I'm afraid of failing.
I'm afraid of being vulnerablewith this person and then
getting hurt.
I'm afraid of beinguncomfortable.
What if I'm sitting here bymyself and I start thinking
about that stupid thing I saidseven years ago and then I have
to like, oh, think about howstupid I am.
And we're really just afraid ofall the terrible things we're
(21:21):
going to say to ourselves.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
You know?
Speaker (21:22):
What is feeling uncomfortable right now?
So has anyone ever successfullyor other, successfully, has
anyone ever successfullybypassed their self protective
behavior?
So like, I know, I know some ofyou have.
I 100%, I'm pretty sure all ofyou have.
So for example, you think abouteating the thing for a long
time, and then you maybe don'teat the thing.
(21:43):
Or you don't eat all of thething.
Or you don't drink the thing.
Can you relate to this?
that's the uncomfortable piece.
This is what I want to draw yourattention to.
Isn't that the mostuncomfortable 20 minutes of your
life?
Not engaging in that behaviorand having the negotiating with
terrorism.
if you can stay there.
Oh my gosh.
Why is this so uncomfortable?
You can so much more frequentlysuccessfully bypass it because
(22:04):
when we skip over it or weengage in the thing, we don't
have to address it and it keepsthat charge.
But when you get through it,like a number of times.
You build confidence and you'relike, Oh yeah, this sucks right
now.
But There's another, there'sanother side over here.
But once you can see that yourself sabotaging habit is meeting
an authentic need, soloneliness, connection, like
(22:25):
lack of connection, fear foryour safety, like if it's about
money or overworking.
There's an authentic somethingthere, right?
You're afraid.
You're afraid of someone beingmad at you.
You're afraid of the terriblethings you're going to say to
yourself.
You're afraid of failing.
Like, these things are real.
We're not saying these feelingsand fears are not real.
So let's just call it, like,let's see it happening.
(22:46):
Oh, what am I actually needing?
Oh, I'm actually, like, justreally don't want this person to
be mad at me, so I'm going toemail them back at 2am.
You know, like, that's notnecessarily a healthy boundary,
and we can still validate thefeeling.
The part of you that's doing thebest that they can with the
skills that they have, even ifit's less than ideal Tough love
and shaming does not work.
(23:07):
I think you guys know that,that's why you're all here,
because you know that we're notmotivated by fear or shame, we
are motivated by love and peace.
so, number one is to know.
What your, what your selfprotective behavior is.
Start to identify your trigger,which is something we can talk
(23:27):
about another day, if you guyswould like.
I have a whole activity forthat.
So you can see it coming.
And then inviting compassion andunderstanding, like we're doing
now.
Okay, why is this souncomfortable for me?
Why do I feel like I need in mysoul to do this and eat this
thing right now?
Or, like, am I feeling lonely?
What's actually going on?
Number one.
Our nervous system is just animprint of everything that we've
(23:48):
experienced ever, but mostlyunder the age of 12.
So, it is our primal, this isthe protector, this is the fight
or flight, the lion's coming toget you, lives.
It's here.
And when you're tired, you donot have this like executive
function.
You are only making decisionsand operating from the base
level, which is why we regulatethe nervous system.
Your prefrontal cortex, which isnot finished developing until
(24:10):
you're 21, is our center ofexecutive decision making and
control.
So it is your, what I call yourSunday night, Monday morning
brain when you're like regulatedand you're like, I'm so tired of
feeling this way.
Why do I do this?
Like, why did I eat all thethings or whatever?
When you're regulated, it's veryeasy to see that.
But, it's like the futurethinker, the future pacer.
(24:31):
But when you're dysregulated,when you're tired, when you've
already had three drinks, You'renot operating from executive
function.
You're in like YOLO.
I want the dopamine hit now.
I'm a caveman.
I need meat.
Like you're operating from yourprimal brain.
and that's the one that's goingto talk you into it, like, maybe
you're hungry.
Oh, we just do have one more.
(24:51):
It's really not a big deal.
That's the conversation you'rehaving down here when you're
dysregulated.
You're not thinking from thisplace that's like, Oh, it's not
really in line with how I wantto feel on a brain level.
So again, so valid, makes somuch sense.
But can you even just start tosee it as that's literally just
my brain.
That doesn't mean that it'strue.
Number two.
boosting our emotionaltolerance.
So when I say window oftolerance, I say stress bucket,
(25:13):
and I know this to be truebecause I've done it.
Your window will start whereverit is now.
So let's say your window oftolerance is, this is all I
have, is this big.
But then your, you know, bossyells at you and your kid got
sick.
And all these things are fillingyour bucket, and for a while,
your stress bucket will remainthe same size, because that's a
(25:36):
skill that you have right now,so we have to use your skills to
cope with the same size stressbucket.
But over time, we can literallygrow the bucket.
You can boost your emotionaltolerance.
You can boost your resilience.
And so whether your habit isalways being in a low vibe,
always feeling low, alwayssitting in procrastination.
(25:57):
Or being too intense, do, do,do, do, do, hustle, hustle,
hustle.
Incrementally strengthening yourability to sit with the
discomfort and not do anythingabout it, get out of fixing, is
essential.
Right?
And then we can, this is why I'mso big on titrating.
I want you to feel anxious andpull in a one minute tool.
Because that's what you have thecapacity for right now.
(26:17):
And then, you know, next weekwe'll use a two minute tool.
And you'll be able to sit withthis for two minutes.
Incrementally growing yourtolerance.
So when you feel an overwhelmingemotion come on, see if you can
sit with it for literally 10seconds, and then 20 seconds,
and so on.
And you might pull in anaffirmation, all is well in my
world.
It's safe for me to feel good.
Fear is just an illusion.
One of mine previously has been,it's safe to be present.
(26:40):
Okay.
I don't have to, I don't want toopen another tab.
It's actually safe to be presentand do what I'm doing right now
because emotions are actuallyjust chemical surges from your
limbic system that lasts for 90seconds.
They're not good.
They're not bad.
They're literally just like yourbrain be doing.
Your system is doing chemicalshit.
That's all just information.
It's the, meaning you assign toit and the story you tell after
(27:00):
that determines how you affectit.
If you guys have not seen myrunning of a model, circumstance
be what it is.
Circumstance might happen.
Some guy might, I don't know whyI thought of this example.
Some dumb guy could run nakedpast my window right now.
I'm gonna have an emotion aboutit.
But then it passes or I create awhole drama about it and do a
bunch of things be the emotionis real.
But can you sit with it withouttelling a story or making it
(27:23):
mean something?
Oh, my God, I live in a terribleneighborhood.
And like, why isn't my fenceclosed?
I'm like, my child's probablydoing drugs right now.
Like, that's really, reallygetting wrapped up in a story
about it.
Right?
Or can we just be like, Oh, thisthing happened.
Well, that kind of made me feellike this.
Okay.
And then next to a new actionbased on how you are wired.
So we do all this self awarenesswork because you have to know
(27:46):
yourself to act accordingly.
And create something that'srealistic and aligned for who
you are.
So, I'm trying to think of someexamples of this, but when you
force yourself to go againstyour wiring because you were
told like, this is the right wayto do it, or this is the right
thing to do, I wouldn't even sayit can be exhausting.
I would say it is exhausting andit is soul depleting.
(28:08):
Which is a great trigger forself sabotage, and I would say
that this is why most women whoI talk to and work with are
exhausted, burnt out, and soultired, is from, trying to do
anything someone else's way.
So, I mean, is fitness not agreat example?
I've been talking to you guysabout ideal versus optimal.
Sure, it would be ideal to Eatonly whole foods, six times a
(28:32):
day, and go to spin five times aweek, and also do force
strength, like, that would begreat, that's not optimal for
your life, and yet we still tryto shove ourselves into all
sorts of, routines like thatanyways, don't we?
I will sometimes be reluctantwhen clients ask for, like a
morning routine because I knowthey're comparing it to my
morning routine, which I've beenworking on for five years.
And so I don't really want totell you because you're going to
(28:55):
try to shove yourself intosomething that I've been trying
to do for at least, you know,see what I'm saying?
And then it's a failure and thenI'm a basket case and I can't
even get a morning routineright.
It becomes a whole thing.
So I'm more interested in.
what feels good to you like whatis one to ten percent more than
you're doing now, but as I'msaying this I think that this
comes up a lot in health andfitness because I think there's
(29:16):
so many shoulds and so muchinformation and so much
comparison and she's doing thisand my friend is doing this and
well I have the impression thatit's taking her this long to do
this and so I should do that.
So, for one thing it causes alot of distraction, routine
hopping.
Because instead of just stickingto what's working for us and
doubling down on that, Oh, maybeit's faster if I do it like
(29:39):
this, and then we never seeresults in any way.
Or we're forcing ourselves to dosomething that feels absolutely
terrible.
and then that's a trigger forself sabotage.
We engage in self sabotage, weengage in our SPBs, and then
we're like, Well, fitness doesnot work for me.
Obviously, I've just proved itbecause I just did all these
things, right?
So as I'm saying this, what doyou try and force yourself to do
because you think you should?
(30:00):
What are your shoulds?
That doesn't feel good.
I'll give you an example.
Well, I just gave you somefitness examples, but, I heard a
lot about diets.
My friend is doing this diet.
My friend says that, like, Ishould be in a calorie deficit.
Should I be doing cardio thismany times a day?
I hate cardio, but should I domore cardio?
I'm losing weight, but it's notfast enough.
Should I do more party hope?
Even though I hate it.
that kind of thing.
or you know I love planner porn,so, I'll always be like to my
(30:23):
friends, like, can I see yourcalendar?
what does it look like?
And then compare my calendar totheir calendar.
I don't do that anymore, butit's irrelevant.
So what do you try and forceyourself to do because you think
you should?
Fasting, cleaning the house andbeing perfectly organized.
One of the best phrases I everlearned is, that's not for me.
instead of being like, I hatethat dress on you, just in my
(30:46):
head, that's just, you know,that's just not for me.
Fasting?
Not for me.
you can still ask others howthey're taking action, and we're
not making it mean anythingabout us and how we quote
unquote should operate becausethere is no right way.
There are just ways that arealigned for you.
And then lastly, connect to yourcompelling reason why.
(31:06):
Why do you want to stop yourself sabotaging pattern?
Is it not serving for you insome way?
Or maybe it's working right now.
when I first moved and I feltlike an absolute gong, my actual
therapist, my psychologist,because I was like, I'm doing
this and I'm doing this and I'mdoing this.
She's like, we're just not goingto worry about most of those
right now.
I was like, okay, so it's like,we're not going to remove all
(31:27):
the, and I've had clients withthat as well, who are trying to
quit smoking and startexercising and stop being
critical.
And also let's just not takeeverything away all at once,
because it's going to blow outyour nervous system and then
you're going to crash and thenwe're going to be starting from
zero anyway.
So, no shame for what'shappening right now, but also
how do you want to feel?
And what would you love toexperience?
(31:47):
And why?
How do you think you will feel?
I just did this activity with myRISE ladies a couple hours ago,
so I got them to give examplesof the experience they want to
have.
One of them, her thing hasalways been, like, I want to
have the mobility so that, if Istepped in my dog's pee, I can
just hop to the sink on onefoot, no problem.
That's the experience that shewants to have, because the
(32:09):
emotion on the other side ofthat is, like, Ease,
contentment, no big deal.
And so, what I want you to leadwith is that feeling.
Because how do you become theperson who has that kind of
mobility?
It's not from telling yourselfthat you suck and you should
work out seven times a week.
It's leading with the feeling ofease, contentment, and peace.
Oh, I feel like doing thatmobility thing that like, helps
(32:32):
me, my balance, or whatever.
Like that feels fun.
That's what motivates.
Women in particular, not likeyou should do this and you
should do this and you suck ifyou don't do this.
So what would you love toexperience?
Why?
What's the feeling that youthink that you're going to have
always focus on what you want,not what you don't want.
I even forget that this is athing.
Cause you guys, I hope noticelike coming into this program,
(32:52):
having your first conversationwith me, filling out your
application form, I will alwaysflip what you say into a
positive.
Always.
And there will never be aquestion that's like.
What do you not want?
It's like, how do you want tofeel?
What do you want, Okay, cool.
We're gonna lead with that.
We're not gonna lead with I wantto stop eating and I want to
stop being a jerk to mychildren.
What do you want to feel?
(33:12):
Like that's how we get there.
And then make sure that that isin line with your authentic self
now.
So, inviting, why am I doingthis?
Maybe there's a real reason, andthen having some compassion for
it, boosting your tolerance,sitting with it, a little
longer, a little longer, gettingthrough it.
And then choosing new actionsthat are really, really, really,
really based on you, your goals,your desires, and how you are
(33:34):
wired.
Not how, your friend Bethany isdoing a fast, or, what her deck
looks like, but literally, thatare in line That gets you really
excited, which is another reasonthat I'm really big on goal
setting with you and doing yourcompelling visions.
I want you to think about howyou feel.
Let's not spend another momentthinking about how you don't
want to feel.
We are very familiar with that.
Let's get really excited abouthow you want to feel.
(33:56):
What you would love toexperience.
Connect to that feeling and thenlead from that place.
whether it's about your healthor your fitness or something
else, scripting it is beautiful,Okay, this is the experience
that I want to have.
Write it out as if you're havingit.
I have the number one talk showon CBS.
I don't know, I feel like that'swhat everyone wanted in the 90s.
And then like, what will youhave?
(34:16):
Why does that matter to me, toyou?
How will it feel?
What emotions will I have?
What will be possible?
What can I do for others?
That's a good one for mycaretakers who have trouble with
self care.
What can I do for others?
What capacity will I have?
What will I be able to give whenI'm having this experience in my
body or whatever?
Why is it so important?
And then there's youraffirmations.
Read that to yourself.
(34:36):
This is who I am.
Talk to yourself as if youalready have it because the
universe always says, yes,you'll just receive a match for
whatever you are putting out.
So we are embodying.
Future vision of ourselves andthen bringing it to life.
And then we don't sit back anddo nothing.
We take inspired action.
We bring it to life by saying itover and over and over speaking
as if
Speaker 9 (34:54):
All right, that's it for today's episode.
I hope this gave you somepowerful insight into how self
sabotage shows up and moreimportantly, how you can break
free of the cycle for good,because here's the truth.
The women who see lasting,sustainable results aren't just
more disciplined.
They're not just more motivated.
They don't just have morewillpower.
That's not why they're notconstantly entering into self
(35:17):
sabotage.
They have learned how to workwith their bodies and brains,
not against them.
And that is exactly what I amteaching inside Flow,
Speaker 10 (35:25):
my live course designed to help you achieve
more with ease so you can stopoverworking, stop overthinking
and start seeing real lastingresults.
If you're tired, spinning yourwheels, feeling stuck, stressed
or like you're never doingenough, flow will show you how
to break free from the hustleand step into a stronger, more
confident and balanced life.
Speaker 11 (35:45):
Enrollment for Flow is officially open and I would
love for you to join us.
Head to the link in the shownotes to sign up now.
Speaker 10 (35:52):
And if this episode hit home for you, send me a DM
on Instagram at an Jones fitthat's an with an E and Jones
fit.
I would love to hear yourbiggest takeaway.
Thanks for tuning in and I'llsee you next week.
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