February 17, 2025 • 21 mins
Breaking Free from Guilt: Prioritizing Yourself Without Shame
In this episode of the Muscles and Mindset Revolution podcast, host Anne Jones addresses the pervasive issue of guilt that many women experience when prioritizing themselves. Designed for busy, ambitious women seeking lasting results, this episode explores why guilt is so ingrained, particularly among women, and offers strategies to move past it. Anne dives into the roles of unmet expectations, deeply rooted beliefs, and the over-responsibility trap, and emphasizes the importance of self-care.
Listeners will learn to recognize and challenge guilt, normalize duality, practice radical acceptance, and reframe their thoughts to build a stronger, more confident self. Tune in to transform the way you approach self-care and break free from guilt.
01:02 Breaking Free from Guilt
02:53 Understanding the Roots of Guilt
05:54 Reframing Guilt and Prioritizing Yourself
12:18 Shifting the Guilt Cycle
16:05 Owning Your Power and Embracing Discomfort
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:00):
Welcome to the muscles and mindset revolution podcast,
the podcast for busy ambitiouswomen who are tired of chasing
quick fixes and are ready tofinally achieve real lasting
results, stronger bodies,sustainable habits, and longterm
weight loss.
I'm your host and Jonescertified life coach and fitness
(00:20):
professional for over 15 yearshere to help you break free from
inconsistency, overwhelm andburnout, build strength, feel
confident AF and lose weightwithout obsessing or stressing
over weight loss.
No BS, just simple, sustainablestrategies.
Welcome.
If you are new to the podcast,welcome.
(00:41):
Thank you so much.
And if you're returning, thankyou so much for being back here.
Okay, you guys, today, the daythis podcast is coming out, it
is family day here in BritishColumbia.
And so I hope you are Spendingthe day with your family if you
want to and not spending the daywith your family if that's what
(01:01):
you want.
Because today we are talking allabout breaking free from guilt.
So if you have ever felt guiltyfor putting yourself first, for
taking time away from yourfamily, your work, your
responsibilities, to dosomething for you, this episode
is for you.
(01:22):
Because let's be real, guilt, ithas been showing up everywhere
for years in my clients, in myDMs, even in my own life, I see
it in my friends and my familymembers.
So today we're unpacking why wefeel this way as women in
particular, and moreimportantly, how we can move
(01:45):
past it.
So why is it that we feel somuch guilt?
I almost feel like guilt iswired into us as women, and I
don't love using the word wired,because it makes it sound
permanent, but let's just sayit's deeply ingrained, okay?
And I see this all the time,both in the women who I coach
(02:06):
and in my own life.
The guilt trip is real, it'svery real.
It's a huge barrier, honestly.
But the more awareness that webring to it, the more we can
break free from it.
And this is something that Inoticed when I first started
working in the fitness industryin 2009.
I was young, I was mostlycoaching women who were having
(02:26):
their first babies or werealmost in midlife, had older
kids who were in school.
Women who had spent their wholelives taking care of everyone
else, either in their careers,their partners.
Their kids, their parents, theirteams at work.
And when it came to investing inthemselves, whether that was
(02:49):
with money, time or energy,guilt hit hard.
So why is it that guilt hits sohard?
It usually comes down to a fewthings.
Number one, unmet expectations.
We thought having this thingwould make us feel a certain
way.
And when it doesn't, we feellike we've failed.
And then we feel guilty that wefailed.
(03:10):
Number two, deeply rootedbeliefs.
Many of us grew up with the ideathat we need to be grateful 24
\7.
Many of us didn't, but it'slike, there are kids starving in
Africa," like this kind ofthing.
I don't actually think that'strue appreciation and gratitude.
That's guilt and comparison, inmy opinion.
(03:31):
But anyways, many of us grew upwith that, right?
And that having any negativefeelings means we're ungrateful.
we just put a smile on and movepast it.
Some of us grew up.
With that, like gratitudealways.
And we'll talk more about thatin a moment.
The third reason that guilt hitsso hard is the caretaking trap.
I used to call this thecaretaking trap.
(03:53):
I really have been into the termover responsibility recently.
I'm almost thinking this is nowthe over-responsibility trap.
I think that women have beensocialized to take
over-responsibility for prettymuch everything.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
And this can show up in a few ways; learned
caretaking, like it was modeledfor you, that you put everyone
else before yourself, or in manysituations, responsibility that
was inappropriate for your age.
So having to take onresponsibility for the home,
siblings or parents when therewasn't a safe adult to do so,
(04:31):
that will also createover-responsibility and then
later in life, it can come in.
in control, so you begin tobelieve that, Oh, if I don't do
it, no one's going to do it.
Right?
This is a popular mom meme rightnow.
everyone's telling me to doless, but who's going to do it?
And we can maybe address that onanother day, because I don't buy
(04:53):
into that.
I get it, but I don't buy intothat narrative because I think
it's an over responsibilitytrap.
Speaker (05:00):
Maybe you have some perfectionist tendencies and you
Engage in doing andover-responsibility because you
like it done a certain way.
That's a recipe for burnout forone thing.
And prioritizing yourself,taking care of you before all of
that other stuff is gonna feelwrong.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
And then the other way that this can show up is,
Growing up in a home or asituation where you're walking
on eggshells and you are feelingoverly responsible for the
actions and feelings of others,then you're going to grow into
an adult who is walking oneggshells, acting in a way, not
(05:41):
for your highest good, butmaking sure that there is peace,
no explosions and everyone elseis okay.
Speaker (05:46):
And if we've spent our whole lives making sure everyone
else is okay, taking care ofourselves will feel wrong.
For sure.
So here's the reframe. (05:54):
That feeling of guilt when it comes
up.
It's not a sign necessarily thatyou're doing something wrong.
we all feel guilt about certainthings.
it can be our guiding moralcompass, right?
You left the gate open and thedog got out and ran away.
Yeah, you're gonna feel guiltyabout that, but it doesn't mean
(06:17):
you're a bad person.
And when we start to engage inI'm bad, then that's shame.
That's the difference betweenshame and guilt.
So guilt is not always a signthat you're doing something
wrong.
It's a sign that you have amoral compass, but it can also
be a sign that you've beenconditioned to believe that
prioritizing yourself isselfish.
(06:38):
And that is the belief that I amhere to challenge today.
Let's first talk about the,"Ishould be grateful" guilt trap.
You prayed for this partner.
You worked your ass off for thisjob.
You wanted these babies morethan anything.
And now, you're overwhelmed.
You're drained.
You're stressed.
(06:58):
You're struggling.
You're tired.
And then comes the layer ofguilt.
The one that says, I don't havea right to feel this way.
I asked for this.
Does this sound familiar?
Here's the truth.
Desiring something andstruggling once you have it are
not mutually exclusive.
You can love your job and stillfeel overwhelmed.
(07:20):
Sometimes I call for my clients.
I call overwhelmed too manyblessings at once, right?
I can feel that.
I love my business.
I love my career.
And sometimes it's overwhelming.
It feels like too many blessingsat once.
I have, family commitments andmy husband and my friends.
These things are wonderful.
It's just too many blessings atonce.
It still feels like overwhelm.
It still feels the same.
(07:41):
You can adore your kids andstill need a break because
you're a human with a capacity.
You can be in the relationshipof your dreams that you
manifested and still befrustrated as hell with how it's
going or with them.
It doesn't mean anything aboutyou or them.
It doesn't mean you'reungrateful.
(08:02):
You can be grateful and stillfrustrated.
Here are some phrases that justshow how guilt shows up in our
lives.
some phrases I hear.
I used to hear frequently fromwomen.
I feel guilty spending money onXYZ when my family needs XYZ or
wants XYZ.
Usually kids' sports.
(08:23):
I feel guilty taking time towork out because that's time I
should be spending with my kids.
Can even be I want to bespending with my kids.
It's fine.
You can want two things.
I feel guilty saying no.
For whatever, doing a favour,saying no to plans because I
just need a night to myself.
And the other reason that I saythat these are phrases that I
used to hear all the time isbecause I almost never hear
(08:48):
these phrases in my clients, inmy circle, because they've
rewired their brains.
They don't speak this way.
They don't think this way andthey don't speak this way about
themselves and, and neither doI, to be quite honest.
Still super common.
So no shame.
If you're still thinking orsaying these things, I used to
too.
And here's the other thing.
(09:08):
I will hear this from newclients, right?
Because guilt can show up whenyou start making yourself a
priority.
It could also be uncomfortablefor people in your life when you
start prioritizing yourself.
It might be inconvenient forthem.
And the tricky thing is, it willfeel Like, the guilt is coming
(09:28):
from outside of you.
Like, the world is telling youthat you should feel bad for
doing those things, for takingthe time to work out, investing
in yourself, saying no to rest.
Those voices are from outside.
And when you hear them longenough, they start to feel like
they're coming from inside, butthey're not coming from inside
your body, they're just comingfrom inside your head.
In reality, you're guilttripping yourself.
(09:51):
You're guilt tripping yourself.
So why does guilt hit so hardwhen we do this?
When we start to put ourselvesfirst at the core of it, all
guilt is tied to the belief thatin order to be safe, to be
loved, to belong, I have to putother people's needs before my
own.
(10:12):
And we learn that in so manyways, right?
We've been taught to be a goodmom, you have to be selfless to
be a good partner.
You have to make sure they'rehappy first.
What, is it okay with them?
Are they okay?
Enter codependency, right?
To be a good friend, you have tosay yes and help, even when you
(10:32):
don't want to, or have thecapacity to, or both.
And when we break those rulesthat we've learned, by choosing
ourselves, by making our needs apriority, we will feel guilty,
because it's a patterninterrupt.
It goes against everything thatwe've been taught.
So that guilt, it doesn't meanyou're a bad person or it's a no
(10:56):
go.
It's just a sensation that'slike, Oh, this feels different.
This is uncomfortable.
It goes against everything thatyou've been taught and been
practicing.
But here's the truth is yourneeds are just as important as
anyone else's.
Here's the universal truth Iteach to my clients: that you
(11:17):
are valuable and worthy just asyou are.
I've never encountered a reasonto believe that that's not true,
so I will continue to believeand teach that you are valuable
and worthy just as you are.
You don't have to change andyour needs are just as important
as anyone else's.
Prioritizing yourself doesn'tmean that you say or think that
(11:37):
you're better than everyone elseor anyone else.
It means you believe you are asvaluable and worthy as anyone
else.
Making yourself a prioritydoesn't take away from your
ability to show up for thepeople that you love It actually
allows you to show up better itis An investment, a compounding
interest in you.
(11:59):
It's putting all bets on you,believing yourself and imagine
what you do and how you act whenthat faith grows.
And I'm just talking about liketaking time for yourself,
sleeping, saying no, that's allI'm talking about.
Simple, simple things is showingyourself that you believe in
yourself.
So how do we do it?
How do we start shifting out ofguilt?
(12:20):
Well, number one is to noticeand recognize the belief.
So the next time you feelguilty, pause and ask yourself,
What do I feel guilty about?
And what am I making it mean?
Are you telling yourself thattaking time for you makes you a
bad mom?
A bad partner?
(12:40):
A bad friend?
That you're not worth it?
Number two, challenge it.
Is that actually true or is itjust a belief that was handed
down to you?
And then lastly, reframe it.
So instead of saying, I can't, Ifeel guilty for taking time to
work out, try like, when I takecare of myself, I have twice as
(13:05):
much energy and patience for myfamily.
See, I told you compoundinginterest, it gets bigger and
bigger because that's thereality.
When you prioritize yourself,it's not just about you.
You don't just benefit, youbecome a better version of
yourself with an increasedcapacity and resilience for the
people around you.
So we've shifted out of guilt.
(13:29):
Let's break the cycle.
How do we start shifting thisguilt cycle?
Number one, normalize duality.
Like I spoke about earlier, youcan love something and be
overwhelmed by it at the sametime.
Both things can be true.
Number two, practice radicalacceptance instead of fighting
(13:50):
how you feel.
Acknowledge it.
Wow.
This is harder than I thought orlike, I'm just, I'm learning.
I'm learning to be gentle withmyself.
I'm new at this.
No judgment, just awareness.
And lastly, give yourselfpermission.
Give yourself permission.
You don't need it from me, youcan have it, but you don't need
it from me.
You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to have acapacity.
(14:12):
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to take care ofyourself.
Practice that.
Give yourself permission.
So if you have been feelingguilty for prioritizing
yourself, I want you to know youare not alone.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
So why is it that we default to seeking permission?
We live in a world that hasconditioned women, especially to
seek validation before makingdecisions, whether that's from a
partner, a boss, or even societyat large.
We've been subtly trained tosecond guess ourselves and to
outsource our permission toothers who have no experience of
(14:49):
what it's like to be in ourbodies.
And that is why it feels souncomfortable when you start
making choices for you.
If you've been conditioned byyour parents, Just society at
large, your family of originthat you need to ask permission,
receive validation, or do or actsome specific way before being
(15:14):
okay receiving permission.
It's going to feel souncomfortable when you start
making choices just for you.
Women come to me frequentlysaying I don't even know who I
am anymore.
I don't even know what I likeanymore because they've spent so
many years receiving validationand acting from outside of
(15:34):
themselves.
And so it's going to feeluncomfortable when you start
making choices just for you, notbecause you're doing something
wrong because you're doingsomething different.
For example, think about thefirst time you set a boundary
with someone.
And they reacted negatively.
That doesn't mean there'ssomething wrong with your
boundary.
It means they were used to adifferent version of you and
(15:56):
that old version perhaps didn'tput herself first.
So that's what I mean.
It's going to be confronting anduncomfortable for other people
as well.
And you have to be okay withthat.
Let's talk about what happenswhen you start owning your
power.
The guilt, the fear, thediscomfort, it will all show up
like an emotional securitysystem.
Not here to torture you, buttrying to pull you back into
(16:18):
what feels safe.
Even if what feels safe is notworking for you.
Having no boundaries,overworking, overdoing, all the
hustling behaviors, overeating,whatever.
Because that guilt coming upagain is not proof that you're
doing something wrong.
It's proof that you're doingsomething differently.
Every time you reach, I think oflife as a video game, right?
(16:38):
Every time you reach a new levelof empowerment, there will be a
new boss.
A new old belief trying to keepyou grounded.
Keep you grounded.
you'll keep having to do thatbattle until you learn the
lesson.
That old belief will try to keepyou grounded like that boss.
Not because the old belief istrue, but because it is
familiar.
(16:59):
So what if instead of seeingthat feeling of guilt as a stop
sign, you saw it as aconfirmation, a signal that
you're actually on the righttrack.
Okay, here's a mindset shiftthat changes everything.
Instead of asking, can I dothat?
Do I have permission to do that?
Ask, what would the highestversion of me?
(17:19):
Or a woman who fully trustsherself do right now.
What would a woman who fullytrusts herself do right now?
And you may not be able to holdthat vision of the highest
version of yourself or, or evenwhat a woman who fully trusts
herself looks like.
But you might know somebody oraspire to be like someone who
you know, and you can use themnot because you are acting like
(17:39):
they're going to act andcomparing yourself, but because
it can be easier to embody whenyou see someone else who has
done it.
H deep down that your health,your goals and your happiness
matter just as much as anyoneelse's, what would change?
How would you show=updifferently and then show up as
her?
And yes, discomfort will show uptoo, but so will freedom.
(18:02):
And I am all about freedom.
Your job on this planet is notto avoid discomfort.
It's not to make other peopleavoid discomfort or to teach
your kids how to avoiddiscomfort.
It is to move through it.
So that next time it doesn'thave the same hold on you
because it will hold you down Sohere is my challenge for you for
this week.
The next time you find yourselfwondering if you can I Need
(18:26):
permission to do that whetherit's skipping a workout because
somebody might judge you, or youthink you're gonna get fat,
Holding back an opinion becauseyou think somebody might judge
you Saying yes when you mean no,I want you to refrain, pause,
and ask yourself, what would Ido if I just fully trusted
myself right now?
And then do that.
The more you choose you, theeasier it gets.
(18:49):
I promise, because I've beenpracticing this for a long time.
And trust me, the world won'tcrumble when you stop people
pleasing.
The world won't even crumble ifsomebody gets mad at you.
I had to learn this.
I can let that person have theirtemper tantrum and I can still
be okay because it actually hasnothing to do with me.
(19:10):
It actually will open you up inways that you never imagined.
So if you have been feelingguilty for prioritizing
yourself, I want you to knowyou're not alone,
Speaker (19:20):
And you don't have to stay stuck in this pattern.
The next time guilt creeps in, Ijust want you to take a big
breath in through your nose, outyour mouth, and recognize it for
what it is.
Remind yourself, I'm allowed toput myself first.
I am allowed to take up space.
(19:41):
I am allowed to matter just asmuch as everyone else.
And the best part is that whenyou give yourself permission to
do that, you lead the way forthe women around you to do the
same.
I see this all the time.
Normalize it.
Normalize taking care ofyourself.
One of the best compliments Iever received from one of my
(20:01):
very best friends, she saw thisin me and in her sister.
She said We gave her permissionto do things or ask for things
that she hadn't even consideredthat she was allowed to do or
ask for.
That's huge to me, to showsomeone else that they can do or
(20:21):
request something that they hadnot even considered before.
That's what you do bydemonstrating this for your
circle, for your community, forthe next generation.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
If this episode resonated with you, please send
me a DM on Instagram at@annejonesfit and tell me one
way that you're going to startprioritizing yourself this week.
I would love to hear from youand if you are ready to stop
feeling guilty and startbuilding the strength, the
confidence and the balance thatyou deserve, join us inside
muscles mindset.
You can have a strong, confidentbody and a peaceful mind without
(20:54):
the guilt.
I promise you Thank you fortuning in to the Muscles and
Mindset Revolution podcast.
If you loved this episode,please share it with a friend
who needs to hear this message.
And don't forget to hitsubscribe so you never miss an
episode.
See you next time.
Welcome to the muscles and mindset revolution podcast,
the podcast for busy ambitiouswomen who are tired of chasing
quick fixes and are ready tofinally achieve real lasting
results, stronger bodies,sustainable habits, and longterm
weight loss.
I'm your host and Jonescertified life coach and fitness
(00:20):
professional for over 15 yearshere to help you break free from
inconsistency, overwhelm andburnout, build strength, feel
confident AF and lose weightwithout obsessing or stressing
over weight loss.
No BS, just simple, sustainablestrategies.
Welcome.
If you are new to the podcast,welcome.
(00:41):
Thank you so much.
And if you're returning, thankyou so much for being back here.
Okay, you guys, today, the daythis podcast is coming out, it
is family day here in BritishColumbia.
And so I hope you are Spendingthe day with your family if you
want to and not spending the daywith your family if that's what
(01:01):
you want.
Because today we are talking allabout breaking free from guilt.
So if you have ever felt guiltyfor putting yourself first, for
taking time away from yourfamily, your work, your
responsibilities, to dosomething for you, this episode
is for you.
(01:22):
Because let's be real, guilt, ithas been showing up everywhere
for years in my clients, in myDMs, even in my own life, I see
it in my friends and my familymembers.
So today we're unpacking why wefeel this way as women in
particular, and moreimportantly, how we can move
(01:45):
past it.
So why is it that we feel somuch guilt?
I almost feel like guilt iswired into us as women, and I
don't love using the word wired,because it makes it sound
permanent, but let's just sayit's deeply ingrained, okay?
And I see this all the time,both in the women who I coach
(02:06):
and in my own life.
The guilt trip is real, it'svery real.
It's a huge barrier, honestly.
But the more awareness that webring to it, the more we can
break free from it.
And this is something that Inoticed when I first started
working in the fitness industryin 2009.
I was young, I was mostlycoaching women who were having
(02:26):
their first babies or werealmost in midlife, had older
kids who were in school.
Women who had spent their wholelives taking care of everyone
else, either in their careers,their partners.
Their kids, their parents, theirteams at work.
And when it came to investing inthemselves, whether that was
(02:49):
with money, time or energy,guilt hit hard.
So why is it that guilt hits sohard?
It usually comes down to a fewthings.
Number one, unmet expectations.
We thought having this thingwould make us feel a certain
way.
And when it doesn't, we feellike we've failed.
And then we feel guilty that wefailed.
(03:10):
Number two, deeply rootedbeliefs.
Many of us grew up with the ideathat we need to be grateful 24
\7.
Many of us didn't, but it'slike, there are kids starving in
Africa," like this kind ofthing.
I don't actually think that'strue appreciation and gratitude.
That's guilt and comparison, inmy opinion.
(03:31):
But anyways, many of us grew upwith that, right?
And that having any negativefeelings means we're ungrateful.
we just put a smile on and movepast it.
Some of us grew up.
With that, like gratitudealways.
And we'll talk more about thatin a moment.
The third reason that guilt hitsso hard is the caretaking trap.
I used to call this thecaretaking trap.
(03:53):
I really have been into the termover responsibility recently.
I'm almost thinking this is nowthe over-responsibility trap.
I think that women have beensocialized to take
over-responsibility for prettymuch everything.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
And this can show up in a few ways; learned
caretaking, like it was modeledfor you, that you put everyone
else before yourself, or in manysituations, responsibility that
was inappropriate for your age.
So having to take onresponsibility for the home,
siblings or parents when therewasn't a safe adult to do so,
(04:31):
that will also createover-responsibility and then
later in life, it can come in.
in control, so you begin tobelieve that, Oh, if I don't do
it, no one's going to do it.
Right?
This is a popular mom meme rightnow.
everyone's telling me to doless, but who's going to do it?
And we can maybe address that onanother day, because I don't buy
(04:53):
into that.
I get it, but I don't buy intothat narrative because I think
it's an over responsibilitytrap.
Speaker (05:00):
Maybe you have some perfectionist tendencies and you
Engage in doing andover-responsibility because you
like it done a certain way.
That's a recipe for burnout forone thing.
And prioritizing yourself,taking care of you before all of
that other stuff is gonna feelwrong.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
And then the other way that this can show up is,
Growing up in a home or asituation where you're walking
on eggshells and you are feelingoverly responsible for the
actions and feelings of others,then you're going to grow into
an adult who is walking oneggshells, acting in a way, not
(05:41):
for your highest good, butmaking sure that there is peace,
no explosions and everyone elseis okay.
Speaker (05:46):
And if we've spent our whole lives making sure everyone
else is okay, taking care ofourselves will feel wrong.
For sure.
So here's the reframe. (05:54):
That feeling of guilt when it comes
up.
It's not a sign necessarily thatyou're doing something wrong.
we all feel guilt about certainthings.
it can be our guiding moralcompass, right?
You left the gate open and thedog got out and ran away.
Yeah, you're gonna feel guiltyabout that, but it doesn't mean
(06:17):
you're a bad person.
And when we start to engage inI'm bad, then that's shame.
That's the difference betweenshame and guilt.
So guilt is not always a signthat you're doing something
wrong.
It's a sign that you have amoral compass, but it can also
be a sign that you've beenconditioned to believe that
prioritizing yourself isselfish.
(06:38):
And that is the belief that I amhere to challenge today.
Let's first talk about the,"Ishould be grateful" guilt trap.
You prayed for this partner.
You worked your ass off for thisjob.
You wanted these babies morethan anything.
And now, you're overwhelmed.
You're drained.
You're stressed.
(06:58):
You're struggling.
You're tired.
And then comes the layer ofguilt.
The one that says, I don't havea right to feel this way.
I asked for this.
Does this sound familiar?
Here's the truth.
Desiring something andstruggling once you have it are
not mutually exclusive.
You can love your job and stillfeel overwhelmed.
(07:20):
Sometimes I call for my clients.
I call overwhelmed too manyblessings at once, right?
I can feel that.
I love my business.
I love my career.
And sometimes it's overwhelming.
It feels like too many blessingsat once.
I have, family commitments andmy husband and my friends.
These things are wonderful.
It's just too many blessings atonce.
It still feels like overwhelm.
It still feels the same.
(07:41):
You can adore your kids andstill need a break because
you're a human with a capacity.
You can be in the relationshipof your dreams that you
manifested and still befrustrated as hell with how it's
going or with them.
It doesn't mean anything aboutyou or them.
It doesn't mean you'reungrateful.
(08:02):
You can be grateful and stillfrustrated.
Here are some phrases that justshow how guilt shows up in our
lives.
some phrases I hear.
I used to hear frequently fromwomen.
I feel guilty spending money onXYZ when my family needs XYZ or
wants XYZ.
Usually kids' sports.
(08:23):
I feel guilty taking time towork out because that's time I
should be spending with my kids.
Can even be I want to bespending with my kids.
It's fine.
You can want two things.
I feel guilty saying no.
For whatever, doing a favour,saying no to plans because I
just need a night to myself.
And the other reason that I saythat these are phrases that I
used to hear all the time isbecause I almost never hear
(08:48):
these phrases in my clients, inmy circle, because they've
rewired their brains.
They don't speak this way.
They don't think this way andthey don't speak this way about
themselves and, and neither doI, to be quite honest.
Still super common.
So no shame.
If you're still thinking orsaying these things, I used to
too.
And here's the other thing.
(09:08):
I will hear this from newclients, right?
Because guilt can show up whenyou start making yourself a
priority.
It could also be uncomfortablefor people in your life when you
start prioritizing yourself.
It might be inconvenient forthem.
And the tricky thing is, it willfeel Like, the guilt is coming
(09:28):
from outside of you.
Like, the world is telling youthat you should feel bad for
doing those things, for takingthe time to work out, investing
in yourself, saying no to rest.
Those voices are from outside.
And when you hear them longenough, they start to feel like
they're coming from inside, butthey're not coming from inside
your body, they're just comingfrom inside your head.
In reality, you're guilttripping yourself.
(09:51):
You're guilt tripping yourself.
So why does guilt hit so hardwhen we do this?
When we start to put ourselvesfirst at the core of it, all
guilt is tied to the belief thatin order to be safe, to be
loved, to belong, I have to putother people's needs before my
own.
(10:12):
And we learn that in so manyways, right?
We've been taught to be a goodmom, you have to be selfless to
be a good partner.
You have to make sure they'rehappy first.
What, is it okay with them?
Are they okay?
Enter codependency, right?
To be a good friend, you have tosay yes and help, even when you
(10:32):
don't want to, or have thecapacity to, or both.
And when we break those rulesthat we've learned, by choosing
ourselves, by making our needs apriority, we will feel guilty,
because it's a patterninterrupt.
It goes against everything thatwe've been taught.
So that guilt, it doesn't meanyou're a bad person or it's a no
(10:56):
go.
It's just a sensation that'slike, Oh, this feels different.
This is uncomfortable.
It goes against everything thatyou've been taught and been
practicing.
But here's the truth is yourneeds are just as important as
anyone else's.
Here's the universal truth Iteach to my clients: that you
(11:17):
are valuable and worthy just asyou are.
I've never encountered a reasonto believe that that's not true,
so I will continue to believeand teach that you are valuable
and worthy just as you are.
You don't have to change andyour needs are just as important
as anyone else's.
Prioritizing yourself doesn'tmean that you say or think that
(11:37):
you're better than everyone elseor anyone else.
It means you believe you are asvaluable and worthy as anyone
else.
Making yourself a prioritydoesn't take away from your
ability to show up for thepeople that you love It actually
allows you to show up better itis An investment, a compounding
interest in you.
(11:59):
It's putting all bets on you,believing yourself and imagine
what you do and how you act whenthat faith grows.
And I'm just talking about liketaking time for yourself,
sleeping, saying no, that's allI'm talking about.
Simple, simple things is showingyourself that you believe in
yourself.
So how do we do it?
How do we start shifting out ofguilt?
(12:20):
Well, number one is to noticeand recognize the belief.
So the next time you feelguilty, pause and ask yourself,
What do I feel guilty about?
And what am I making it mean?
Are you telling yourself thattaking time for you makes you a
bad mom?
A bad partner?
(12:40):
A bad friend?
That you're not worth it?
Number two, challenge it.
Is that actually true or is itjust a belief that was handed
down to you?
And then lastly, reframe it.
So instead of saying, I can't, Ifeel guilty for taking time to
work out, try like, when I takecare of myself, I have twice as
(13:05):
much energy and patience for myfamily.
See, I told you compoundinginterest, it gets bigger and
bigger because that's thereality.
When you prioritize yourself,it's not just about you.
You don't just benefit, youbecome a better version of
yourself with an increasedcapacity and resilience for the
people around you.
So we've shifted out of guilt.
(13:29):
Let's break the cycle.
How do we start shifting thisguilt cycle?
Number one, normalize duality.
Like I spoke about earlier, youcan love something and be
overwhelmed by it at the sametime.
Both things can be true.
Number two, practice radicalacceptance instead of fighting
(13:50):
how you feel.
Acknowledge it.
Wow.
This is harder than I thought orlike, I'm just, I'm learning.
I'm learning to be gentle withmyself.
I'm new at this.
No judgment, just awareness.
And lastly, give yourselfpermission.
Give yourself permission.
You don't need it from me, youcan have it, but you don't need
it from me.
You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to have acapacity.
(14:12):
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to take care ofyourself.
Practice that.
Give yourself permission.
So if you have been feelingguilty for prioritizing
yourself, I want you to know youare not alone.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
So why is it that we default to seeking permission?
We live in a world that hasconditioned women, especially to
seek validation before makingdecisions, whether that's from a
partner, a boss, or even societyat large.
We've been subtly trained tosecond guess ourselves and to
outsource our permission toothers who have no experience of
(14:49):
what it's like to be in ourbodies.
And that is why it feels souncomfortable when you start
making choices for you.
If you've been conditioned byyour parents, Just society at
large, your family of originthat you need to ask permission,
receive validation, or do or actsome specific way before being
(15:14):
okay receiving permission.
It's going to feel souncomfortable when you start
making choices just for you.
Women come to me frequentlysaying I don't even know who I
am anymore.
I don't even know what I likeanymore because they've spent so
many years receiving validationand acting from outside of
(15:34):
themselves.
And so it's going to feeluncomfortable when you start
making choices just for you, notbecause you're doing something
wrong because you're doingsomething different.
For example, think about thefirst time you set a boundary
with someone.
And they reacted negatively.
That doesn't mean there'ssomething wrong with your
boundary.
It means they were used to adifferent version of you and
(15:56):
that old version perhaps didn'tput herself first.
So that's what I mean.
It's going to be confronting anduncomfortable for other people
as well.
And you have to be okay withthat.
Let's talk about what happenswhen you start owning your
power.
The guilt, the fear, thediscomfort, it will all show up
like an emotional securitysystem.
Not here to torture you, buttrying to pull you back into
(16:18):
what feels safe.
Even if what feels safe is notworking for you.
Having no boundaries,overworking, overdoing, all the
hustling behaviors, overeating,whatever.
Because that guilt coming upagain is not proof that you're
doing something wrong.
It's proof that you're doingsomething differently.
Every time you reach, I think oflife as a video game, right?
(16:38):
Every time you reach a new levelof empowerment, there will be a
new boss.
A new old belief trying to keepyou grounded.
Keep you grounded.
you'll keep having to do thatbattle until you learn the
lesson.
That old belief will try to keepyou grounded like that boss.
Not because the old belief istrue, but because it is
familiar.
(16:59):
So what if instead of seeingthat feeling of guilt as a stop
sign, you saw it as aconfirmation, a signal that
you're actually on the righttrack.
Okay, here's a mindset shiftthat changes everything.
Instead of asking, can I dothat?
Do I have permission to do that?
Ask, what would the highestversion of me?
(17:19):
Or a woman who fully trustsherself do right now.
What would a woman who fullytrusts herself do right now?
And you may not be able to holdthat vision of the highest
version of yourself or, or evenwhat a woman who fully trusts
herself looks like.
But you might know somebody oraspire to be like someone who
you know, and you can use themnot because you are acting like
(17:39):
they're going to act andcomparing yourself, but because
it can be easier to embody whenyou see someone else who has
done it.
H deep down that your health,your goals and your happiness
matter just as much as anyoneelse's, what would change?
How would you show=updifferently and then show up as
her?
And yes, discomfort will show uptoo, but so will freedom.
(18:02):
And I am all about freedom.
Your job on this planet is notto avoid discomfort.
It's not to make other peopleavoid discomfort or to teach
your kids how to avoiddiscomfort.
It is to move through it.
So that next time it doesn'thave the same hold on you
because it will hold you down Sohere is my challenge for you for
this week.
The next time you find yourselfwondering if you can I Need
(18:26):
permission to do that whetherit's skipping a workout because
somebody might judge you, or youthink you're gonna get fat,
Holding back an opinion becauseyou think somebody might judge
you Saying yes when you mean no,I want you to refrain, pause,
and ask yourself, what would Ido if I just fully trusted
myself right now?
And then do that.
The more you choose you, theeasier it gets.
(18:49):
I promise, because I've beenpracticing this for a long time.
And trust me, the world won'tcrumble when you stop people
pleasing.
The world won't even crumble ifsomebody gets mad at you.
I had to learn this.
I can let that person have theirtemper tantrum and I can still
be okay because it actually hasnothing to do with me.
(19:10):
It actually will open you up inways that you never imagined.
So if you have been feelingguilty for prioritizing
yourself, I want you to knowyou're not alone,
Speaker (19:20):
And you don't have to stay stuck in this pattern.
The next time guilt creeps in, Ijust want you to take a big
breath in through your nose, outyour mouth, and recognize it for
what it is.
Remind yourself, I'm allowed toput myself first.
I am allowed to take up space.
(19:41):
I am allowed to matter just asmuch as everyone else.
And the best part is that whenyou give yourself permission to
do that, you lead the way forthe women around you to do the
same.
I see this all the time.
Normalize it.
Normalize taking care ofyourself.
One of the best compliments Iever received from one of my
(20:01):
very best friends, she saw thisin me and in her sister.
She said We gave her permissionto do things or ask for things
that she hadn't even consideredthat she was allowed to do or
ask for.
That's huge to me, to showsomeone else that they can do or
(20:21):
request something that they hadnot even considered before.
That's what you do bydemonstrating this for your
circle, for your community, forthe next generation.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
If this episode resonated with you, please send
me a DM on Instagram at@annejonesfit and tell me one
way that you're going to startprioritizing yourself this week.
I would love to hear from youand if you are ready to stop
feeling guilty and startbuilding the strength, the
confidence and the balance thatyou deserve, join us inside
muscles mindset.
You can have a strong, confidentbody and a peaceful mind without
(20:54):
the guilt.
I promise you Thank you fortuning in to the Muscles and
Mindset Revolution podcast.
If you loved this episode,please share it with a friend
who needs to hear this message.
And don't forget to hitsubscribe so you never miss an
episode.
See you next time.
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