June 1, 2025 • 25 mins
What happens when partners experience mismatched desire—or when sex starts to feel like just another item on the to-do list? In this insightful episode, I’m joined by Dr. Maureen Ryan, a sexual health counselor, nurse practitioner, and nationally certified health coach, to unpack some common yet often unspoken issues in relationships.
We explore how couples can navigate different levels of sexual interest, the importance of prioritizing intimacy in busy lives, and how mindfulness and being truly present can enhance sexual function and connection. Dr. Ryan offers practical strategies, thoughtful perspective, and a compassionate voice that helps normalize the ebbs and flows of desire.
Whether you're in a long-term relationship or on a personal journey toward better sexual wellness, this conversation will leave you with tools to reconnect—with yourself and your partner.
If you want to learn more about sexual health, sexual dysfunction, or how to improve your sex life, follow me on Instagram at @thepgspot or check out my website at doctorpattyj.com for blogs and resources related to sex positivity and real talk about sexuality. As as always, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:08):
Welcome to the PG spot, where our goal is to take the X
out of sex by breaking down thebarriers that prevent open
communication about sexualhealth.
I'm Dr.
Patty Jalomo, a dual certifiednurse practitioner, pelvic floor
therapist, and certified sexualcounselor.
I'm here to provide expertinsights, debunk myths, and
empower you to embrace yoursexual wellbeing.
(00:29):
Whether you're looking foranswers or simply curious, join
us as we open up theconversation around sex,
intimacy and everything inbetween.
I want to take this opportunityto acknowledge that some
content may not be appropriatefor all listeners.
I'm a huge proponent of honestand accurate information
regarding sexuality.
But I'm also mindful that thisshould be age appropriate.
(00:50):
Therefore, if you are under 18,this may not be the podcast for
you.
Additionally, some of thelanguage used in this podcast
may be offensive to somelisteners.
Please take these things intoconsideration before going
forward with your consensualparticipation in this podcast.
The opinions expressed bymyself or my guests are just
(01:11):
that, and these opinions areneither expected or required to
be shared by all listeners.
The information that isprovided is for educational and
entertainment purposes only, andshould not be mistaken for
individual medical advice if youdo find the information that we
cover in the PG spot helpful,interesting or
informative, please rate andreview the podcast wherever
(01:33):
you're listening from.
If you think this informationis important, I would love for
you to share it with yourfriends or family.
This is a great way to get theinformation out to more people.
So thank you for listening andlet's get on with the show.
Patty (01:47):
Today's guest is someone who brings compassion, expertise
and a deep commitment tohelping people reconnect with
themselves and their partners.
Maureen Ryan is a nursepractitioner with dual
certification in adult andwomen's health.
A national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach, and
an AASECT certified sexualitycounselor.
She works with individuals andcouples in a confidential
(02:10):
virtual setting to address awide range of intimacy and
sexual health concernseverything from low desire,
erectile dysfunction,performance anxiety, and the
impact of menopause or cancertreatment.
Her goal is to help peopleexperience deeper connection,
satisfaction, and joy in theirintimate lives.
Maureen also holds a doctoratein nursing practice and is an
(02:31):
improved continuing educationprovider through the California
Board of Registered Nursing andAASECT.
She's passionate abouteducating healthcare providers
on how to confidently addresssexual health, recognizing how
essential it is to overallwellbeing and quality of life.
So thank you, Maureen, forbeing here with me today.
Let's talk a little bit aboutwhat it is that you do, kind of
(02:54):
how you got into sexualitycounseling.
Can you share a little bitabout your background and what
led you to specialize in sexualhealth and specifically in
sexual counseling?
Maureen (03:05):
Yes.
So, I worked in a woman'sclinic.
for almost 10 years.
And when I was there, you wouldthink that if a woman's
struggling with intimacy orsexual concerns, you would talk
to your GYN provider, ob, GYN.
And, I know a lot of mypatients were struggling with
that, but I really didn't ask'em about that because I didn't
know how to respond.
(03:26):
So I didn't know how to helpthem.
I saw people struggling, and Ijust thought.
We can do a lot better thanthis, that we really need to
help people address what's mostimportant to them.
And that's relationships and,connection.
so back then I thought, youknow what?
I would like to help peoplewith this.
So I got certified as a sextherapist, in Florida.
(03:48):
It was a year long program.
But, what I found was thatapproach didn't really work for
me because it was really likeabout what's, you know, let's
find the dysfunction andlabeling people as something's
wrong with you.
And, and that's not the way itis.
People, you know, oftentimespeople with low desire, that's
actually a functional responseto a dysfunctional relationship.
(04:11):
So, and, and life iscomplicated.
We have peaks and valleys, wehave lots of stressors.
I found that the coachingapproach worked best.
So then I went on and became, ahealth and wellness coach.
So I'm a national boardcertified health and wellness
coach, and that approach really,works the best because I talk
to people about what's importantto you.
What do you want to bedifferent?
Why does that matter to you?
(04:32):
I help them find theirmotivators.
we talk about barriers, andbarriers would be labeled as the
dysfunction.
so maybe, you know, low desire,erectile dysfunction, arousal.
Patty (04:44):
correlates together and plays in, you know, to each
other too.
So.
That's a great way to think
Maureen (04:49):
Yeah.
Patty (04:50):
Okay.
Maureen (04:51):
Yeah.
Patty (04:52):
I noticed on your website you have a lot of, information
about, provider education andalso a course that you offer.
So tell us about the coursethat you offer for, individuals
or couples.
Maureen (05:04):
the course I have now that's available is really for
providers.
Patty (05:08):
Okay.
Maureen (05:09):
So it's, patient centered sexual health
conversations, like how to talkto your patients about sex,
there are so many people, somany providers who really wanna
be able to help their, theirpatients, but they just need
some, some tools to open thedialogue and to feel like they
can help, somebody move forward.
Patty, you know, there's not alot of people who are highly
(05:29):
trained in sexual health Ireally feel passionate about
helping other providers becomemore comfortable.
But I actually, I do have a, aprogram also up now that's,
it's, postmenopausal concernsabout -vulvo -vaginal health.
for postmenopausal women.
Patty (05:43):
that for providers also?
Is that for,
Maureen (05:46):
There's one for providers.
They can get CE credit.
CE credit is available throughAASECT as well as California
Board of Nursing, but thenthere's one that I just tweaked
so it's just for lay people too,
Patty (05:56):
Okay.
And then, what about the, Guidefor Women's Sexual being, the
Discovering Desire?
Is that just a program that youused to work through with your
patients?
Maureen (06:05):
I use it with my patients and then when I get
groups together, I have moreinformal groups.
They're not set up right now.
it is something that I'm gonnado again in the near future.
But yeah, so what I find is somany women struggle with low
desire.
for all sorts of reasons.
we have a mind, our beliefs,our thoughts.
We have a heart and emotionsand connection and resentment
(06:29):
and anger.
all those things that caninterfere with emotional
connection and then a physicalbody that can also, have some
struggles that way.
So, that's very common and yousee that all the time.
Patty (06:41):
That's probably the number one that I have when
patients, especially menopausalpatients come in.
It's always decreased desire.
What's wrong with me?
Maureen (06:51):
Yeah.
Patty (06:52):
You know,
Maureen (06:53):
Right.
And there's a lot to explorewith that because sometimes
there is nothing wrong with you.
maybe you're just not desiringthe kind of sex you're having.
Patty (06:58):
right.
And that's what I,
Maureen (06:59):
Yeah.
Patty (07:00):
and that's a difficult thing, in an office visit
setting because time is solimited and I tell patients
Maureen (07:05):
Right.
Patty (07:06):
a lot of different things that can affect that.
I noticed just looking throughthat course that, it mentions
really working on, kind ofstarting from a place of a
neutral state.
You introduce the idea ofinitiating sexual encounters
from a neutral state.
Can you explain what that meansand why that can be powerful
and helpful?
Maureen (07:25):
Okay.
It's very helpful.
I should say that workbookyou're talking about, that can
be available for people, so youcan put on your website or
however you link to it andpeople can download that because
I think it's really helpful.
I think it normalizes what alot of, women's experience with
sex is as well as men too,especially as they get older.
I equate sex to like the gymsometimes.
(07:47):
There's so many reasons to workout and be strong, right?
We can talk about that for thenext hour.
And there's so many reasons tohave a healthy sexual
relationship too.
It adds so much value to yourlife and meaning and connection
and love and, all sorts ofbeautiful things.
What happens is if you're notconnected with your why, like
why do I work out?
(08:07):
Why is my, sexual relationshipimportant to me?
You can forget it and put it onthe back burner and nothing's
gonna happen, or you're gonna behaving, you know, just ho hum
sex just to crossed off yourlist.
And that's no fun for anybody.
You have to find yourmotivator.
Just like the gym, you dragyourself to the gym because of
all your why's.
And then you start working outand blood starts pumping.
(08:29):
You're like, okay, I'm feelingbetter.
And when you're done, it'slike, wow, I'm really glad I did
this.
I feel so much better and Ifeel healthier.
And all of those reasons.
And it's like that with sextoo, because oftentimes I'm
gonna say the majority of timepeople in long-term
relationships, they do startfrom a neutral place.
Like for instance, this istypical, uh, you just get
(08:50):
everything done for the night.
kids in bed, house cleaned up,and then you sit down and you're
like, I'm gonna watch myNetflix show.
Right?
I've been looking forward to,and then you get the look from
your partner, like, oh boy, Iknow what they want.
Well, instead of rolling youreyes and being, You know, not
very
Patty (09:05):
Excited about that.
Maureen (09:06):
You have to like pause there and say, you know what?
There's a lot of reasons why itwould be good for me to just go
and see what's possible becauseall the reasons why, sexual
intimacy is so important in arelationship.
'cause it really is the gluefor a lot of people.
Patty (09:20):
prioritize that.
You know, you have to reallyput time and effort into making
that important in yourrelationship.
Maureen (09:29):
especially if it's important to at least one person
in the relationship, they havea really solid relationship,
solid friendship, commitment,then great.
But when one person, when it'simportant to one person, then
it's important to both, or itshould be.
Figure out a way to meet theneeds.
starting from a place ofneutral, like, okay, not really
feeling it, but I'll see what'spossible.
So you, you start, touchingskin to skin contact, the body
(09:53):
starts to get relaxed, the touchfeels good, then the body
healthy body's gonna getaroused.
And then as the arousal builds,like the prefrontal cortex,
blood flow slows down and youbecome more present in the
moment, less distracted.
And now.
There's desire.
instead of like desire comingfirst, and then arousal, which
(10:13):
is how a lot of people think itshould be it's flipped.
the body has to get aroused,so, so you want to be there.
So it's like you don't wannaplay the game until the third
quarter, the game.
You gotta show up and startplaying the game
Patty (10:25):
exactly right.
Maureen (10:27):
Yeah.
Patty (10:27):
so how can creating pleasurable contacts and
sensations help women developdesire, even if they aren't
initially feeling in the mood?
Maureen (10:37):
Okay, so that's, um, taking time to include the whole
body in essential,
Patty (10:44):
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (10:44):
experience because what happens all too often is that
it goes right to, there's anerect penis, okay.
Act on it and comingintercourse.
And it's like, very rare is itthat that's enough time for a
woman to get aroused and switchgears.
And become more present in herbody, and that comes with
arousal.
So I think that I often advisepeople to slow down.
(11:07):
I like the sensate focusexercises because that slows
things down.
It includes the whole body andtouch.
There's no goal.
Patty (11:15):
the listeners don't know what the Sensate focus concept
is?
Maureen (11:19):
Yeah.
And I have to like reallyencourage my patients too,
because at first they thinklike, oh my God, it's weird.
We have to do our homework.
And they're really resistant.
So we talk about that when Iexplain it to them.
And then I say, by the thirdtime, you're gonna love it.
And they usually do by thesecond or third time.
But anyway, so Masters andJohnsons that they're sex
researchers back from theseventies, when Virginia Johnson
(11:42):
was a little girl.
And she'd be upset.
Her mother would soothe her byjust slowly stroking her arm or
her cheek or her head.
And that was very calming toher.
And then when Virginia Johnsonstarted working with couples who
experienced a lot of, sexualperformance anxiety, she
thought, I wonder if that wouldhelp them.
So what this ev about to isthis, series of exercises,
(12:04):
touching exercises that are nongoal oriented.
when you first start out, it'snot about arousal.
I always tell people like, um,you don't, don't include, don't
touch anything under a bathingsuit the first time.
Because I want people to relax.
So they set aside time.
They don't talk during it, andthey take turns giving and
receiving touch it's whole bodytouch.
(12:24):
And it's not like massagetouch.
It's light, feathery touchbecause that activates more
sensory fibers in the skin.
So the, the focus of this is tostay connected to sensation.
What are you feeling in thebody, and also to trigger
relaxation, the relaxationresponse and take any goal out
of The purpose of this, so youtake turns giving and receiving
(12:46):
touch for 15 minutes if you can.
and I tell people to set atimer on their phone because
they'll think like 15 minutes,they'll think like, oh, five
minutes, and they start lookingat the phone.
No, it'll ding when it's 15minutes.
Because otherwise you're going to bedistracted by trying to watch
the clock, right?
right.
So again, I just ask them, justfocus on what am I feeling?
(13:07):
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
and so that helps peoplediscover other places in the
body that feel good.
It slows things down into moreof sensual experience.
and it also, you're touching inthat, nurturing way,
affectionate way.
It releases oxytocin, the,feel good hormone.
Patty (13:26):
Right?
Maureen (13:27):
Mm-hmm.
Patty (13:27):
I think that leads into, you know, the next question,
that deals with really justbroadening the definition of
sexual intimacy.
I think in our culture we'reprogrammed to think of sex as
penis in vagina or penis in anuspenetration, But sex can be
Maureen (13:43):
Right.
Patty (13:44):
so much more than that.
And for vulva owners, itprobably is important for it to
be much more than that.
Maureen (13:50):
Yes.
You know, it's interesting, andyou probably see this too,
Patty, like sometimes when acouple starts to struggle with a
sexual dysfunction, likepainful sex or erectile
dysfunction, they can't haveintercourse like they once did.
Sometimes couples will give upand think it's over.
But others who are, moreresourceful and, they'll explore
like, what else is possible.
And then they'll start to slowthings down and make things more
(14:13):
essential.
like the sense focus,discovering things that feel
good that way, and oftentimesfind it to be much more
pleasurable than just the 1, 2,3, 4, you know, goal oriented
sex, which, can get old after awhile.
Patty (14:27):
And just being curious, you know, I think that's, an
important part.
And by using that sensatefocus, then you're really
focusing on the sensations thatyou're feeling, how it's, you
know,
Maureen (14:38):
Mm-hmm.
Patty (14:38):
you're receiving that touch.
And yeah, that can just open upa lot of, opportunities
Maureen (14:43):
Sometimes I'll ask people to consider putting a
blindfold on both of them thisis not for everybody, but for
some people who are comfortablewith it, it's really nice
because if you, take away sight,then your other senses become
heightened and so you reallyfeel, and you really are using
all of your senses to be in themoment and, explore each other's
(15:06):
bodies.
a lot of people are reallyself-conscious of their bodies.
So if they have a blindfold onand their partner has a
blindfold on, nobody can seeanything.
They're not worried about like,oh, do I have a, flabby butt
Patty (15:20):
And then you just can't be present and
Maureen (15:23):
So it doesn't matter what position you're in, nobody
can see anything.
Patty (15:26):
That's a great idea
Maureen (15:27):
You can just be in your body.
Patty (15:28):
I love the blindfold idea
Maureen (15:29):
For both people.
For them both to be able to.
Patty (15:31):
speaking of being present, focusing on
mindfulness, how do you definemindfulness in the context of
sexuality or sexual function?
I know we talked about thatpresence the brain is the
biggest sex organ.
So many times we get in our waybecause, like you mentioned
with body image just thinkingabout, what do I look like?
What would be some practicalways that women can to be more
(15:52):
mindful or more present theirbodies?
Maureen (15:56):
So, the cognitive distractions, like the mind that
won't stop, that's like, youknow, you're intimate and you're
thinking about doing thelaundry or what you have to do
at work tomorrow.
So you're missing out oneverything.
So, um, mindfulness is aboutbeing in the present moment, and
how do you get there sexually.
You get there by connectingwith your senses, by being in
your body.
So oftentimes people are, whenthey're intimate, they're
(16:19):
outside, like, kind ofcritiquing, like, what do I look
like?
Or, you know, being critical oftheir bodies they're not in
their body.
I ask people to try to puttheir center of focus, their
presence inside their body, soin their heart, and then move
from there out.
So I am in my body and I'mexperiencing this event through
my senses, through my hands,through my skin, through my
(16:42):
eyes.
I'm fully present in my body.
And with my partner.
that means I'm no longer in myhead, So connecting with senses.
when my mind starts to thinkabout what I have to do tomorrow
I come back and maybe put myfull attention on my hands.
What am I feeling or what doesthe skin to skin contact feel
like?
what do their muscles feellike?
really using senses Too many ofus don't live in our bodies.
(17:06):
We're in our head all the time.
We're thinking, and we're, youknow, we live in our heads.
So, how do you learn to getback in your body?
We do it on a day-to-day basisby stopping and noticing and
being present.
when you're washing your hands,actually feel the water, feel
the soap.
Feel yourself, lathering upyour hands, drying your hands
(17:27):
when you're in the shower.
Pause, feel the water.
do you feel it on your back, onyour face?
what's the temperature whenyou're shampooing your hair,
feeling the shampoo, shavingyour legs, putting on lotion,
like actually being present inyour body.
And that's what Sensei Focushelps you to do.
It helps you be present andconnect with sensation.
Because again, with sensatefocus, what are you focusing on?
(17:49):
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
Patty (17:51):
by incorporating those things in your everyday life.
You know that that in turneventually will help sexually to
be able to more easily get backinto your body.
A lot of, eating plans anddietary things, yeah.
just really stress slow down oreven put your fork down in
between bites, really chew thefood so many times.
(18:12):
Be able to, focus on how thefood actually tastes.
'cause it's kinda the samething with that.
We just snarf it down and.
You know, and then you're,yeah, and then you eat
everything.
if you are more present andmindful about eating, you find
that you actually get fullfaster without having to the
whole meal, it definitely playsinto a lot of different areas,
Maureen (18:35):
So that's something that people can, you know, just
because it's a healthy thing todo, you know, to appreciate the
food in front of you.
That's a great place topractice every day.
Patty (18:45):
Just practice.
Maureen (18:46):
Yeah.
Patty (18:47):
and like you said in the shower, I love that too.
Just because, you know, feelingthat warmth of the water, the
smells of the soap, you know,all of those things are just
great ways to, really slow downand practice that mindfulness
And then it makes it so mucheasier to not get in your head
during sex and bring that intoyour, sexual life too.
Maureen (19:05):
You know, also like walks outside.
So mindful walk where you'reactually like looking, looking
at the trees and the things areblooming now where I am.
The sky is blue.
It's been gray for a long time.
So things are green and blue,just feeling the breeze on your
face and the sun, on your skin,things like that.
just pausing and being fullypresent in your body.
Patty (19:28):
Yeah, just, incorporating, getting that,
that, parasympathetic nervesystem going, you know, just to
slow
Maureen (19:34):
Yes.
Patty (19:36):
Yeah.
Maureen (19:36):
Yeah.
Patty (19:37):
Well, definitely, you know, we talked about how stress
and anxiety and getting in yourhead, you know, can affect
arousal.
But also orgasm.
You know, I have oftentimespatients that maybe have never
been able to reach orgasm, and alot of that is, really focusing
on the sensations andpracticing and, getting that
(19:57):
presence.
are there other areas of sexualhealth or sexuality you feel
that, um, being present andmindful can be helpful?
Maureen (20:06):
Yeah.
Well, and also presence,mindfulness, but also empathy
for your partner too.
I've had a lot of coupleslately where it's like one
person has decided they nolonger wanna have a sexual
relationship, and, that'simportant to the other person
they have a real hard timeputting themselves in their
partner's shoes and that canbuild up a lot of resentment and
feeling not wanted and rejectedand a lot of loneliness and
(20:31):
really could be the downfall ofa lot of relationships.
When you were talking a fewminutes ago, you said something
that made me think of thiscouple that was really this cool
couple.
So, I call him my, did I evershare this with you?
The minimum requirement couple.
Patty (20:43):
yes, I love it.
But share it with everybodyelse.
Maureen (20:47):
All right.
So I was at Eon for, um, aconference and it was mostly
like therapists and sexualhealth, experts.
And there was a couple, theirworkshop was canceled last
minute, and so they ended up inours.
So they're like this couple intheir sixties.
They had raised four kids.
They'd been together a longtime and, um.
(21:07):
In general, like, you know,marriage is up and down, but a
healthy, successful couple.
he said when they got marriedhe said to her, I need to have
sex once a week.
I know this about myself, it'simportant to me.
and she said, I can dothat, but I need my back rub for
15 minutes before we doanything sexual because it's
hard for me to relax and thatwould help me relax so I can be
(21:29):
present.
And he said, I can do that.
So I think it's important tohave discussions about like,
what are my minimumrequirements?
I'm not okay being in a, arelationship where I can't have
sex because my partner doesn'twant it.
Now, obviously there are timeswhen it's a really dysfunctional
relationship and, there'sreasons absolutely not to, or,
(21:53):
You know, so there's, I mean,I'm not saying, I'm saying that,
you need to look at every,every couple is different and
but just saying, Nope, I'm doneshutting it down, that's like,
you know, that's a tough one.
Patty (22:07):
for sure.
And you know, even like yousay, having empathy for your
partner, but also having thoseconversations and finding out
why, oftentimes in my practice,I'll see women who have pain
with intercourse.
Maybe it's due to menopause,vaginal dryness, you know, that
type of thing.
Instead of understanding thatsexuality is an important part
(22:29):
and their intimacy is animportant part of their life.
you know, they're just like,Nope, I'm done.
It just hurts, you know?
So, uh, again, having a
Maureen (22:36):
Yeah.
Patty (22:37):
is interested enough to say, well, you know, let's look
at this further.
Let's figure out why this is anissue for you, and, then see
what can be
Maureen (22:46):
Yeah.
Patty (22:47):
to help with that.
Maureen (22:48):
and Patty and I feel the same way.
If somebody's having pain,don't do something that causes
pain.
Patty (22:53):
Yeah.
Maureen (22:53):
that's gonna set up a pain cycle and it's a sign.
Something's going on.
There's a lot of things thatcan really help with, if we're
talking about postmenopausal,just, painful sex.
and that's why we need toeducate people and help them be
able to experience what theywant in their relationships.
Patty (23:09):
Yeah.
All right.
is there anything that wemissed or anything else that you
want to share with
Maureen (23:15):
We can talk forever about, we can talk forever.
There's so, there's so much totalk about, so many, challenges
that come up and I just lovewhen I help people reconnect and
they're like, you know, happyagain and feeling loved and
special and, uh, it's a reallygood feeling to do that.
(23:37):
we work in a good area.
Patty, you and I.
Patty (23:39):
Absolutely.
All right, well, I appreciateyou taking the time to come on
and talk to me and all thelisteners today.
So where can, um, everybodyfind you if they want to learn
more about what you do now, doyou, practice or see patients
outside of your state?
Maureen (23:57):
I do, I do.
So, um, I do that when I put onmy coaching hat.
I'm a national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach, so I
can see people All over thecountry.
I'm licensed in New York Stateas a nurse practitioner, so the
roles are a little bitdifferent.
they can find me on my website.
my name's Maureen Ryan.
It's just, Dr.
Maureen Ryan, which is just drmaureen ryan.com.
Patty (24:19):
And I'll put that in the show notes so that people can,
find you there.
Anything else you wanna saytoday?
Maureen (24:24):
Don't give up.
don't try not to let, um, youknow, people build up walls
because they get hurt and theynever find a way to communicate.
And to, I always say like, the,where I always like to start is
like, seek to understand.
Like, it's really important tounderstand where your partner's
coming from, what they'refeeling, but in, not in a
(24:46):
defensive way.
Like we wanna get rid of allthe defensiveness and we wanna
hear each other.
And I think that's a, a placethat a lot of people never get
to so they never get unstuck.
Patty (24:57):
That's very important.
Maureen (24:58):
Yeah.
But when there's empathykindness and caring, you can do
a lot and really improve arelationship.
Patty (25:04):
All right.
Maureen (25:06):
Hmm.
Patty (25:06):
well, take care.
I will probably talk to yousoon, and thank you again for
coming on.
Maureen (25:13):
Thanks, Patty.
I appreciate it.
Okay, bye.
Speaker (25:21):
That's it for today's episode.
Thanks for listening, and besure to rate and review the
podcast on whatever platformyou're listening from and share
it with your friends.
That's a great way to helpreach new listeners and make
this a more sex positive world.
Also, I'd love your feedbackand questions, so send me a
message.
It's at email@doctorpattyj.com,and that's doctor spelled out,
(25:43):
D-O-C-T-O-R-P-A-T-T-Y- j.com.
Until next time, stay curious,stay empowered, and stay you.
Welcome to the PG spot, where our goal is to take the X
out of sex by breaking down thebarriers that prevent open
communication about sexualhealth.
I'm Dr.
Patty Jalomo, a dual certifiednurse practitioner, pelvic floor
therapist, and certified sexualcounselor.
I'm here to provide expertinsights, debunk myths, and
empower you to embrace yoursexual wellbeing.
(00:29):
Whether you're looking foranswers or simply curious, join
us as we open up theconversation around sex,
intimacy and everything inbetween.
I want to take this opportunityto acknowledge that some
content may not be appropriatefor all listeners.
I'm a huge proponent of honestand accurate information
regarding sexuality.
But I'm also mindful that thisshould be age appropriate.
(00:50):
Therefore, if you are under 18,this may not be the podcast for
you.
Additionally, some of thelanguage used in this podcast
may be offensive to somelisteners.
Please take these things intoconsideration before going
forward with your consensualparticipation in this podcast.
The opinions expressed bymyself or my guests are just
(01:11):
that, and these opinions areneither expected or required to
be shared by all listeners.
The information that isprovided is for educational and
entertainment purposes only, andshould not be mistaken for
individual medical advice if youdo find the information that we
cover in the PG spot helpful,interesting or
informative, please rate andreview the podcast wherever
(01:33):
you're listening from.
If you think this informationis important, I would love for
you to share it with yourfriends or family.
This is a great way to get theinformation out to more people.
So thank you for listening andlet's get on with the show.
Patty (01:47):
Today's guest is someone who brings compassion, expertise
and a deep commitment tohelping people reconnect with
themselves and their partners.
Maureen Ryan is a nursepractitioner with dual
certification in adult andwomen's health.
A national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach, and
an AASECT certified sexualitycounselor.
She works with individuals andcouples in a confidential
(02:10):
virtual setting to address awide range of intimacy and
sexual health concernseverything from low desire,
erectile dysfunction,performance anxiety, and the
impact of menopause or cancertreatment.
Her goal is to help peopleexperience deeper connection,
satisfaction, and joy in theirintimate lives.
Maureen also holds a doctoratein nursing practice and is an
(02:31):
improved continuing educationprovider through the California
Board of Registered Nursing andAASECT.
She's passionate abouteducating healthcare providers
on how to confidently addresssexual health, recognizing how
essential it is to overallwellbeing and quality of life.
So thank you, Maureen, forbeing here with me today.
Let's talk a little bit aboutwhat it is that you do, kind of
(02:54):
how you got into sexualitycounseling.
Can you share a little bitabout your background and what
led you to specialize in sexualhealth and specifically in
sexual counseling?
Maureen (03:05):
Yes.
So, I worked in a woman'sclinic.
for almost 10 years.
And when I was there, you wouldthink that if a woman's
struggling with intimacy orsexual concerns, you would talk
to your GYN provider, ob, GYN.
And, I know a lot of mypatients were struggling with
that, but I really didn't ask'em about that because I didn't
know how to respond.
(03:26):
So I didn't know how to helpthem.
I saw people struggling, and Ijust thought.
We can do a lot better thanthis, that we really need to
help people address what's mostimportant to them.
And that's relationships and,connection.
so back then I thought, youknow what?
I would like to help peoplewith this.
So I got certified as a sextherapist, in Florida.
(03:48):
It was a year long program.
But, what I found was thatapproach didn't really work for
me because it was really likeabout what's, you know, let's
find the dysfunction andlabeling people as something's
wrong with you.
And, and that's not the way itis.
People, you know, oftentimespeople with low desire, that's
actually a functional responseto a dysfunctional relationship.
(04:11):
So, and, and life iscomplicated.
We have peaks and valleys, wehave lots of stressors.
I found that the coachingapproach worked best.
So then I went on and became, ahealth and wellness coach.
So I'm a national boardcertified health and wellness
coach, and that approach really,works the best because I talk
to people about what's importantto you.
What do you want to bedifferent?
Why does that matter to you?
(04:32):
I help them find theirmotivators.
we talk about barriers, andbarriers would be labeled as the
dysfunction.
so maybe, you know, low desire,erectile dysfunction, arousal.
Patty (04:44):
correlates together and plays in, you know, to each
other too.
So.
That's a great way to think
Maureen (04:49):
Yeah.
Patty (04:50):
Okay.
Maureen (04:51):
Yeah.
Patty (04:52):
I noticed on your website you have a lot of, information
about, provider education andalso a course that you offer.
So tell us about the coursethat you offer for, individuals
or couples.
Maureen (05:04):
the course I have now that's available is really for
providers.
Patty (05:08):
Okay.
Maureen (05:09):
So it's, patient centered sexual health
conversations, like how to talkto your patients about sex,
there are so many people, somany providers who really wanna
be able to help their, theirpatients, but they just need
some, some tools to open thedialogue and to feel like they
can help, somebody move forward.
Patty, you know, there's not alot of people who are highly
(05:29):
trained in sexual health Ireally feel passionate about
helping other providers becomemore comfortable.
But I actually, I do have a, aprogram also up now that's,
it's, postmenopausal concernsabout -vulvo -vaginal health.
for postmenopausal women.
Patty (05:43):
that for providers also?
Is that for,
Maureen (05:46):
There's one for providers.
They can get CE credit.
CE credit is available throughAASECT as well as California
Board of Nursing, but thenthere's one that I just tweaked
so it's just for lay people too,
Patty (05:56):
Okay.
And then, what about the, Guidefor Women's Sexual being, the
Discovering Desire?
Is that just a program that youused to work through with your
patients?
Maureen (06:05):
I use it with my patients and then when I get
groups together, I have moreinformal groups.
They're not set up right now.
it is something that I'm gonnado again in the near future.
But yeah, so what I find is somany women struggle with low
desire.
for all sorts of reasons.
we have a mind, our beliefs,our thoughts.
We have a heart and emotionsand connection and resentment
(06:29):
and anger.
all those things that caninterfere with emotional
connection and then a physicalbody that can also, have some
struggles that way.
So, that's very common and yousee that all the time.
Patty (06:41):
That's probably the number one that I have when
patients, especially menopausalpatients come in.
It's always decreased desire.
What's wrong with me?
Maureen (06:51):
Yeah.
Patty (06:52):
You know,
Maureen (06:53):
Right.
And there's a lot to explorewith that because sometimes
there is nothing wrong with you.
maybe you're just not desiringthe kind of sex you're having.
Patty (06:58):
right.
And that's what I,
Maureen (06:59):
Yeah.
Patty (07:00):
and that's a difficult thing, in an office visit
setting because time is solimited and I tell patients
Maureen (07:05):
Right.
Patty (07:06):
a lot of different things that can affect that.
I noticed just looking throughthat course that, it mentions
really working on, kind ofstarting from a place of a
neutral state.
You introduce the idea ofinitiating sexual encounters
from a neutral state.
Can you explain what that meansand why that can be powerful
and helpful?
Maureen (07:25):
Okay.
It's very helpful.
I should say that workbookyou're talking about, that can
be available for people, so youcan put on your website or
however you link to it andpeople can download that because
I think it's really helpful.
I think it normalizes what alot of, women's experience with
sex is as well as men too,especially as they get older.
I equate sex to like the gymsometimes.
(07:47):
There's so many reasons to workout and be strong, right?
We can talk about that for thenext hour.
And there's so many reasons tohave a healthy sexual
relationship too.
It adds so much value to yourlife and meaning and connection
and love and, all sorts ofbeautiful things.
What happens is if you're notconnected with your why, like
why do I work out?
(08:07):
Why is my, sexual relationshipimportant to me?
You can forget it and put it onthe back burner and nothing's
gonna happen, or you're gonna behaving, you know, just ho hum
sex just to crossed off yourlist.
And that's no fun for anybody.
You have to find yourmotivator.
Just like the gym, you dragyourself to the gym because of
all your why's.
And then you start working outand blood starts pumping.
(08:29):
You're like, okay, I'm feelingbetter.
And when you're done, it'slike, wow, I'm really glad I did
this.
I feel so much better and Ifeel healthier.
And all of those reasons.
And it's like that with sextoo, because oftentimes I'm
gonna say the majority of timepeople in long-term
relationships, they do startfrom a neutral place.
Like for instance, this istypical, uh, you just get
(08:50):
everything done for the night.
kids in bed, house cleaned up,and then you sit down and you're
like, I'm gonna watch myNetflix show.
Right?
I've been looking forward to,and then you get the look from
your partner, like, oh boy, Iknow what they want.
Well, instead of rolling youreyes and being, You know, not
very
Patty (09:05):
Excited about that.
Maureen (09:06):
You have to like pause there and say, you know what?
There's a lot of reasons why itwould be good for me to just go
and see what's possible becauseall the reasons why, sexual
intimacy is so important in arelationship.
'cause it really is the gluefor a lot of people.
Patty (09:20):
prioritize that.
You know, you have to reallyput time and effort into making
that important in yourrelationship.
Maureen (09:29):
especially if it's important to at least one person
in the relationship, they havea really solid relationship,
solid friendship, commitment,then great.
But when one person, when it'simportant to one person, then
it's important to both, or itshould be.
Figure out a way to meet theneeds.
starting from a place ofneutral, like, okay, not really
feeling it, but I'll see what'spossible.
So you, you start, touchingskin to skin contact, the body
(09:53):
starts to get relaxed, the touchfeels good, then the body
healthy body's gonna getaroused.
And then as the arousal builds,like the prefrontal cortex,
blood flow slows down and youbecome more present in the
moment, less distracted.
And now.
There's desire.
instead of like desire comingfirst, and then arousal, which
(10:13):
is how a lot of people think itshould be it's flipped.
the body has to get aroused,so, so you want to be there.
So it's like you don't wannaplay the game until the third
quarter, the game.
You gotta show up and startplaying the game
Patty (10:25):
exactly right.
Maureen (10:27):
Yeah.
Patty (10:27):
so how can creating pleasurable contacts and
sensations help women developdesire, even if they aren't
initially feeling in the mood?
Maureen (10:37):
Okay, so that's, um, taking time to include the whole
body in essential,
Patty (10:44):
Mm-hmm.
Maureen (10:44):
experience because what happens all too often is that
it goes right to, there's anerect penis, okay.
Act on it and comingintercourse.
And it's like, very rare is itthat that's enough time for a
woman to get aroused and switchgears.
And become more present in herbody, and that comes with
arousal.
So I think that I often advisepeople to slow down.
(11:07):
I like the sensate focusexercises because that slows
things down.
It includes the whole body andtouch.
There's no goal.
Patty (11:15):
the listeners don't know what the Sensate focus concept
is?
Maureen (11:19):
Yeah.
And I have to like reallyencourage my patients too,
because at first they thinklike, oh my God, it's weird.
We have to do our homework.
And they're really resistant.
So we talk about that when Iexplain it to them.
And then I say, by the thirdtime, you're gonna love it.
And they usually do by thesecond or third time.
But anyway, so Masters andJohnsons that they're sex
researchers back from theseventies, when Virginia Johnson
(11:42):
was a little girl.
And she'd be upset.
Her mother would soothe her byjust slowly stroking her arm or
her cheek or her head.
And that was very calming toher.
And then when Virginia Johnsonstarted working with couples who
experienced a lot of, sexualperformance anxiety, she
thought, I wonder if that wouldhelp them.
So what this ev about to isthis, series of exercises,
(12:04):
touching exercises that are nongoal oriented.
when you first start out, it'snot about arousal.
I always tell people like, um,you don't, don't include, don't
touch anything under a bathingsuit the first time.
Because I want people to relax.
So they set aside time.
They don't talk during it, andthey take turns giving and
receiving touch it's whole bodytouch.
(12:24):
And it's not like massagetouch.
It's light, feathery touchbecause that activates more
sensory fibers in the skin.
So the, the focus of this is tostay connected to sensation.
What are you feeling in thebody, and also to trigger
relaxation, the relaxationresponse and take any goal out
of The purpose of this, so youtake turns giving and receiving
(12:46):
touch for 15 minutes if you can.
and I tell people to set atimer on their phone because
they'll think like 15 minutes,they'll think like, oh, five
minutes, and they start lookingat the phone.
No, it'll ding when it's 15minutes.
Because otherwise you're going to bedistracted by trying to watch
the clock, right?
right.
So again, I just ask them, justfocus on what am I feeling?
(13:07):
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
and so that helps peoplediscover other places in the
body that feel good.
It slows things down into moreof sensual experience.
and it also, you're touching inthat, nurturing way,
affectionate way.
It releases oxytocin, the,feel good hormone.
Patty (13:26):
Right?
Maureen (13:27):
Mm-hmm.
Patty (13:27):
I think that leads into, you know, the next question,
that deals with really justbroadening the definition of
sexual intimacy.
I think in our culture we'reprogrammed to think of sex as
penis in vagina or penis in anuspenetration, But sex can be
Maureen (13:43):
Right.
Patty (13:44):
so much more than that.
And for vulva owners, itprobably is important for it to
be much more than that.
Maureen (13:50):
Yes.
You know, it's interesting, andyou probably see this too,
Patty, like sometimes when acouple starts to struggle with a
sexual dysfunction, likepainful sex or erectile
dysfunction, they can't haveintercourse like they once did.
Sometimes couples will give upand think it's over.
But others who are, moreresourceful and, they'll explore
like, what else is possible.
And then they'll start to slowthings down and make things more
(14:13):
essential.
like the sense focus,discovering things that feel
good that way, and oftentimesfind it to be much more
pleasurable than just the 1, 2,3, 4, you know, goal oriented
sex, which, can get old after awhile.
Patty (14:27):
And just being curious, you know, I think that's, an
important part.
And by using that sensatefocus, then you're really
focusing on the sensations thatyou're feeling, how it's, you
know,
Maureen (14:38):
Mm-hmm.
Patty (14:38):
you're receiving that touch.
And yeah, that can just open upa lot of, opportunities
Maureen (14:43):
Sometimes I'll ask people to consider putting a
blindfold on both of them thisis not for everybody, but for
some people who are comfortablewith it, it's really nice
because if you, take away sight,then your other senses become
heightened and so you reallyfeel, and you really are using
all of your senses to be in themoment and, explore each other's
(15:06):
bodies.
a lot of people are reallyself-conscious of their bodies.
So if they have a blindfold onand their partner has a
blindfold on, nobody can seeanything.
They're not worried about like,oh, do I have a, flabby butt
Patty (15:20):
And then you just can't be present and
Maureen (15:23):
So it doesn't matter what position you're in, nobody
can see anything.
Patty (15:26):
That's a great idea
Maureen (15:27):
You can just be in your body.
Patty (15:28):
I love the blindfold idea
Maureen (15:29):
For both people.
For them both to be able to.
Patty (15:31):
speaking of being present, focusing on
mindfulness, how do you definemindfulness in the context of
sexuality or sexual function?
I know we talked about thatpresence the brain is the
biggest sex organ.
So many times we get in our waybecause, like you mentioned
with body image just thinkingabout, what do I look like?
What would be some practicalways that women can to be more
(15:52):
mindful or more present theirbodies?
Maureen (15:56):
So, the cognitive distractions, like the mind that
won't stop, that's like, youknow, you're intimate and you're
thinking about doing thelaundry or what you have to do
at work tomorrow.
So you're missing out oneverything.
So, um, mindfulness is aboutbeing in the present moment, and
how do you get there sexually.
You get there by connectingwith your senses, by being in
your body.
So oftentimes people are, whenthey're intimate, they're
(16:19):
outside, like, kind ofcritiquing, like, what do I look
like?
Or, you know, being critical oftheir bodies they're not in
their body.
I ask people to try to puttheir center of focus, their
presence inside their body, soin their heart, and then move
from there out.
So I am in my body and I'mexperiencing this event through
my senses, through my hands,through my skin, through my
(16:42):
eyes.
I'm fully present in my body.
And with my partner.
that means I'm no longer in myhead, So connecting with senses.
when my mind starts to thinkabout what I have to do tomorrow
I come back and maybe put myfull attention on my hands.
What am I feeling or what doesthe skin to skin contact feel
like?
what do their muscles feellike?
really using senses Too many ofus don't live in our bodies.
(17:06):
We're in our head all the time.
We're thinking, and we're, youknow, we live in our heads.
So, how do you learn to getback in your body?
We do it on a day-to-day basisby stopping and noticing and
being present.
when you're washing your hands,actually feel the water, feel
the soap.
Feel yourself, lathering upyour hands, drying your hands
(17:27):
when you're in the shower.
Pause, feel the water.
do you feel it on your back, onyour face?
what's the temperature whenyou're shampooing your hair,
feeling the shampoo, shavingyour legs, putting on lotion,
like actually being present inyour body.
And that's what Sensei Focushelps you to do.
It helps you be present andconnect with sensation.
Because again, with sensatefocus, what are you focusing on?
(17:49):
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
What am I feeling?
Patty (17:51):
by incorporating those things in your everyday life.
You know that that in turneventually will help sexually to
be able to more easily get backinto your body.
A lot of, eating plans anddietary things, yeah.
just really stress slow down oreven put your fork down in
between bites, really chew thefood so many times.
(18:12):
Be able to, focus on how thefood actually tastes.
'cause it's kinda the samething with that.
We just snarf it down and.
You know, and then you're,yeah, and then you eat
everything.
if you are more present andmindful about eating, you find
that you actually get fullfaster without having to the
whole meal, it definitely playsinto a lot of different areas,
Maureen (18:35):
So that's something that people can, you know, just
because it's a healthy thing todo, you know, to appreciate the
food in front of you.
That's a great place topractice every day.
Patty (18:45):
Just practice.
Maureen (18:46):
Yeah.
Patty (18:47):
and like you said in the shower, I love that too.
Just because, you know, feelingthat warmth of the water, the
smells of the soap, you know,all of those things are just
great ways to, really slow downand practice that mindfulness
And then it makes it so mucheasier to not get in your head
during sex and bring that intoyour, sexual life too.
Maureen (19:05):
You know, also like walks outside.
So mindful walk where you'reactually like looking, looking
at the trees and the things areblooming now where I am.
The sky is blue.
It's been gray for a long time.
So things are green and blue,just feeling the breeze on your
face and the sun, on your skin,things like that.
just pausing and being fullypresent in your body.
Patty (19:28):
Yeah, just, incorporating, getting that,
that, parasympathetic nervesystem going, you know, just to
slow
Maureen (19:34):
Yes.
Patty (19:36):
Yeah.
Maureen (19:36):
Yeah.
Patty (19:37):
Well, definitely, you know, we talked about how stress
and anxiety and getting in yourhead, you know, can affect
arousal.
But also orgasm.
You know, I have oftentimespatients that maybe have never
been able to reach orgasm, and alot of that is, really focusing
on the sensations andpracticing and, getting that
(19:57):
presence.
are there other areas of sexualhealth or sexuality you feel
that, um, being present andmindful can be helpful?
Maureen (20:06):
Yeah.
Well, and also presence,mindfulness, but also empathy
for your partner too.
I've had a lot of coupleslately where it's like one
person has decided they nolonger wanna have a sexual
relationship, and, that'simportant to the other person
they have a real hard timeputting themselves in their
partner's shoes and that canbuild up a lot of resentment and
feeling not wanted and rejectedand a lot of loneliness and
(20:31):
really could be the downfall ofa lot of relationships.
When you were talking a fewminutes ago, you said something
that made me think of thiscouple that was really this cool
couple.
So, I call him my, did I evershare this with you?
The minimum requirement couple.
Patty (20:43):
yes, I love it.
But share it with everybodyelse.
Maureen (20:47):
All right.
So I was at Eon for, um, aconference and it was mostly
like therapists and sexualhealth, experts.
And there was a couple, theirworkshop was canceled last
minute, and so they ended up inours.
So they're like this couple intheir sixties.
They had raised four kids.
They'd been together a longtime and, um.
(21:07):
In general, like, you know,marriage is up and down, but a
healthy, successful couple.
he said when they got marriedhe said to her, I need to have
sex once a week.
I know this about myself, it'simportant to me.
and she said, I can dothat, but I need my back rub for
15 minutes before we doanything sexual because it's
hard for me to relax and thatwould help me relax so I can be
(21:29):
present.
And he said, I can do that.
So I think it's important tohave discussions about like,
what are my minimumrequirements?
I'm not okay being in a, arelationship where I can't have
sex because my partner doesn'twant it.
Now, obviously there are timeswhen it's a really dysfunctional
relationship and, there'sreasons absolutely not to, or,
(21:53):
You know, so there's, I mean,I'm not saying, I'm saying that,
you need to look at every,every couple is different and
but just saying, Nope, I'm doneshutting it down, that's like,
you know, that's a tough one.
Patty (22:07):
for sure.
And you know, even like yousay, having empathy for your
partner, but also having thoseconversations and finding out
why, oftentimes in my practice,I'll see women who have pain
with intercourse.
Maybe it's due to menopause,vaginal dryness, you know, that
type of thing.
Instead of understanding thatsexuality is an important part
(22:29):
and their intimacy is animportant part of their life.
you know, they're just like,Nope, I'm done.
It just hurts, you know?
So, uh, again, having a
Maureen (22:36):
Yeah.
Patty (22:37):
is interested enough to say, well, you know, let's look
at this further.
Let's figure out why this is anissue for you, and, then see
what can be
Maureen (22:46):
Yeah.
Patty (22:47):
to help with that.
Maureen (22:48):
and Patty and I feel the same way.
If somebody's having pain,don't do something that causes
pain.
Patty (22:53):
Yeah.
Maureen (22:53):
that's gonna set up a pain cycle and it's a sign.
Something's going on.
There's a lot of things thatcan really help with, if we're
talking about postmenopausal,just, painful sex.
and that's why we need toeducate people and help them be
able to experience what theywant in their relationships.
Patty (23:09):
Yeah.
All right.
is there anything that wemissed or anything else that you
want to share with
Maureen (23:15):
We can talk forever about, we can talk forever.
There's so, there's so much totalk about, so many, challenges
that come up and I just lovewhen I help people reconnect and
they're like, you know, happyagain and feeling loved and
special and, uh, it's a reallygood feeling to do that.
(23:37):
we work in a good area.
Patty, you and I.
Patty (23:39):
Absolutely.
All right, well, I appreciateyou taking the time to come on
and talk to me and all thelisteners today.
So where can, um, everybodyfind you if they want to learn
more about what you do now, doyou, practice or see patients
outside of your state?
Maureen (23:57):
I do, I do.
So, um, I do that when I put onmy coaching hat.
I'm a national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach, so I
can see people All over thecountry.
I'm licensed in New York Stateas a nurse practitioner, so the
roles are a little bitdifferent.
they can find me on my website.
my name's Maureen Ryan.
It's just, Dr.
Maureen Ryan, which is just drmaureen ryan.com.
Patty (24:19):
And I'll put that in the show notes so that people can,
find you there.
Anything else you wanna saytoday?
Maureen (24:24):
Don't give up.
don't try not to let, um, youknow, people build up walls
because they get hurt and theynever find a way to communicate.
And to, I always say like, the,where I always like to start is
like, seek to understand.
Like, it's really important tounderstand where your partner's
coming from, what they'refeeling, but in, not in a
(24:46):
defensive way.
Like we wanna get rid of allthe defensiveness and we wanna
hear each other.
And I think that's a, a placethat a lot of people never get
to so they never get unstuck.
Patty (24:57):
That's very important.
Maureen (24:58):
Yeah.
But when there's empathykindness and caring, you can do
a lot and really improve arelationship.
Patty (25:04):
All right.
Maureen (25:06):
Hmm.
Patty (25:06):
well, take care.
I will probably talk to yousoon, and thank you again for
coming on.
Maureen (25:13):
Thanks, Patty.
I appreciate it.
Okay, bye.
Speaker (25:21):
That's it for today's episode.
Thanks for listening, and besure to rate and review the
podcast on whatever platformyou're listening from and share
it with your friends.
That's a great way to helpreach new listeners and make
this a more sex positive world.
Also, I'd love your feedbackand questions, so send me a
message.
It's at email@doctorpattyj.com,and that's doctor spelled out,
(25:43):
D-O-C-T-O-R-P-A-T-T-Y- j.com.
Until next time, stay curious,stay empowered, and stay you.
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