Your Estranged Child Just Called—What’s Next?

Your Estranged Child Just Called—What’s Next? Reconnecting with an estranged adult child can be overwhelming, especially when they finally reach out after a long time. In this episode, I’ll share what to do when your estranged child calls or replies to your text. From scheduling a follow-up conversation to staying calm, listening without judgment, and ending the call with an open invitation, these steps will help you navigate this delicate moment with grace and patience. As a coach who has worked with hundreds of moms in similar situations, I’ll also share insights on handling anger or emotional responses during these calls. Reconciliation takes time, but every small step matters.

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You have waited so long for this moment.
But what if you say the wrong thing?
That first call from your estrangedchild could change everything.
So don't let fear or emotion sabotagethis chance to reconnect with them.
So I want to be able to guide you throughthe exact steps to handle this life

(00:20):
changing moment with your adult child.
And I want you to be able tohandle it with some grace and some
confidence, because I know howSo, uh, feels threatening, right?
And so I just want you to rememberthat as a mom, your one job
is to take care of yourself.
So let's dive in.

(00:42):
Number one, you know, whether you havea text message or a phone call, try to
schedule the call if possible, right?
If you have an opportunity to scheduleyour, your meeting, let's do that.
Why?
Whether, like I said, whether itwas an unexpected call, which you'll
have to deal with, whether Or maybeit's a short reply to a text that you

(01:02):
had sent or an email or something.
But if you can schedule that followup, it allows both of you to approach
the conversation with intention.
You're going to have time to prepareemotionally and so will they.
Because I guarantee you they'rejust as nervous as you are.
So how to handle that?
What I would suggest is I want youto be very calm, I want you to be
peaceful, and I want you to mentionto them, obviously, a truth that

(01:26):
you're glad to hear from them.
And if you have the opportunity,like I said, would it be okay if
we scheduled a time to talk more?
Because I want to giveyou my full attention.
Maybe you're at work, maybeyou're busy with something.
But I want to make sure that weboth have the space to share and,
you know, get to catch up more.
So, if they say yes, great.
So, if they respond to a text,maybe you're saying, thanks for

(01:50):
responding, I really appreciate it.
Again, could we schedulethat time to talk more?
I'd love to catch up when you're ready.
No pressure.
No pressure.
And they may not respond right away.
And that's okay.
Now, if anger arises on their side,based on my experience, coaching
hundreds of moms, the first conversationusually brings out some type of

(02:11):
anger from the estranged child.
They may be venting.
They may need to express emotions thatthey've been holding in could possibly
be the emotions that made them walk away.
Okay.
So what is your response with that?
Stay calm.
Don't match their tone.
Don't react.
Right defensively do not donot get defensive whatsoever.
Let them express whatever they need tosay This is about listening not solving

(02:36):
everything at once this whole Situationis not going to be solved in one call.
But why is it worth it?
Even if the call starts with anger orpain, it's still a step towards healing
your relationship and healing your familySo let's have some patience and try to
understand You know possibly where they'recoming from Cause then, then over time,

(02:59):
those deeper conversations will happen.
So have limited expectations on whatthat call is going to look like.
Number two, stay calm and composed.
It's really important because whenthe emotional moments happen and they
start escalating, you just need totake some deep breaths and you need
to stay calm so you can focus onthe connection and not the conflict.

(03:22):
The connection and not the conflict.
There's, there's likely going to besome words that you don't want to
hear one way or the other, right?
So taking that deep breathThinking before you reply.
Avoid overwhelming themand don't be indifferent.
Don't have a chip on your shoulder.
Don't have an attitude, right?
Don't, don't feel like you're putting someguilt trip on them and Silence, silence

(03:49):
could be very awkward sometimes, right?
Don't feel the rush to fill the gap.
Silence is okay.
But what I want you to avoid inthat is I don't want you to react
emotionally, like I said, to theirwords, even if they're critical.
We do not raise your voice.
Do not interrupt.
Do not push for immediate explanationsof XYZ and why this happened and why did

(04:11):
you do this and why did you say that.
This is some tough love today,you guys, because I am so many
of the moms in my group and themoms that I'm coaching one on one.
I'm seeing so many breakthroughs.
This here is the stuff thatwe talk about in my group.
And if you're interested in learning howto navigate that next step, I want you to
fill out the link for the discovery calland you can feel free to find me there.

(04:35):
Um, the, the call for yourkids is going to be vulnerable.
Like I said, so vulnerability is huge.
But we want to be able to practicesome reflective listening.
Scratch that.

(04:55):
Okay.
You know, these are some ofthe things that we talk about
in my group coaching program.
When the, for the moms that are at thatjourney at that point in their journey.
And I believe you're all going toget to that point in your journey.
And you need to be prepared for that,even if you don't see it right now.
So if that's you, you'vetried other things.
You're looking for some coaching.
If you want to talk to me aboutthe coaching options, click the

(05:18):
link below for the discovery call.
I'd love to hear from you.
All right.
Number three, focus onlistening, not fixing.
We always want to fix everything, right?
This call is likely a supervulnerable moment for them.
And they may just want to be heardrather than have their problem
solved or the past analyzed.

(05:38):
So when you have that in mind, you caneven say things like, you know, I hear
you saying this has been hard for you.
And I understand that.
And I understand whyyou might feel that way.
You don't have to go into, do you haveany idea how hard this has been on me?
Even though that's true.
, even though that's true,it's super important.
One day you will be able to sharethat, but this first conversation

(06:00):
is probably not the time.
So don't jump in with advice,even if feels help, even if
it feels like helpful, right?
So don't shift the focus toyour pain, like I said, because
this call is about them.
And if you're not ready for that,then I wouldn't take the call.
So you need to prepare yourself.
You need to heal yourself.
You need to take care of yourselffirst, so you are ready for this call.

(06:22):
That's the whole point of this.
So number four is gratitude.
We have to keep this positive.
You guys, you know, showing gratitudefor their effort to connect with you.
It reinforces their decision to reach out.
It's going to set a positive tone forfuture communication with you too.
So you might even be able to say, youknow, thank you so much for reaching out.

(06:42):
It is so good to hear from you.
I love you.
It can just be super light like that.
we just need to keep it light and focusedon connection rather than, you know,
we don't need to go into all the heavytopics because I know you have them.
We all do.
We all have the heavy topics thatthe elephant in the room, but
we need to avoid guilt tripping.
So we don't want to sayit's about time you called.

(07:06):
You might be thinking that,but that's not what we say.
So, you know, those unresolved issues,like I said, when the relationship
feels more stable, you'll be ableto dive into some of that stuff.
So, and lastly ending thecall with an open invitation.
Why?
Because if you can leave the dooropen for future communication, it's
going to show that you're willingto kind of go at their pace and

(07:28):
they're, they might be testing you.
They might be testing you to see likewhere you're where you're at has mom
healed has mom done any work on herselfSome of you don't want to hear that but
this is so true and I'm raising my handbecause that was me, too But you could
end this conversation on a note a verypositive note like just saying I would
love to hear from you again when you'reReady doesn't have to be This huge ordeal

(07:53):
like, you know, are you gonna be herefor Christmas for the next three years?
We have to be really realistic here
One thing you could do also is ifthey seem hesitant about further
contact, you could say, you know what?
I just want you to know I'm herewhen you're ready and I'm not
trying to pressure you whatsoever.

(08:14):
So we don't want to do that.
And again, like I said, theremight be some time in between now
and the next conversation, but youhave a lot of control over this
conversation and the direction it goes.
So, um, setting some expectations.
for frequent communication, I would not dobecause unless there's the ones suggesting

(08:36):
it, if they suggested fantastic.
So my final thoughts here again,um, this was all done in love.
This was some tough love for you, butthis is a, this is a moment for you
to step forward, no matter how small,whether you have this new communication
with your child, or you know that it'scoming, you feel it's coming, you're

(08:57):
right on that precipice of that, or.
Maybe you just need to preparefor it because we need to, we
need to believe that this is, thisrelationship is going to be healed.
So you're showing them thatyou're committed to healing
the relationship, right?
By doing all of thesethings that I mentioned.
So it's not easy.
I'm not going to lie.
It's not easy, but you can practice it.

(09:18):
And so I hope that helps.
God bless.
I'll see you next time.