May 23, 2025 • 38 mins
In this conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe and early childhood trainer Cara Tyrrell discuss the importance of teaching children conflict resolution skills from a young age. They explore how children process emotions, the significance of modeling healthy behaviors, and the balance between guiding children and allowing them to navigate conflicts independently. The discussion emphasizes the need for parents to expand their emotional vocabulary, create a safe space for children to express their feelings, and the shift in parenting dynamics towards more conscious and collaborative approaches. Ultimately, the conversation highlights that conflict is a natural part of life that can lead to growth and understanding when approached with intention and care.
Key Takeaways
- Equipping kids with conflict skills early on is crucial.
- Children process emotions differently than adults.
- Creating a permission space for emotions is essential.
- Responding to emotions with facts helps avoid projection.
- Using 'we' statements fosters collaboration in conflict resolution.
- Teaching compromise requires explaining the concept to children.
- Expanding emotional vocabulary helps children articulate feelings.
- Modeling healthy behaviors is more effective than just telling children what to do.
- Teachable moments can arise from witnessing less healthy behaviors.
- The shift in parenting dynamics emphasizes collaboration and conscious awareness.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
intro/outro music (00:01):
*intro
Dr. Shay (00:21):
Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn
tension into transformationthrough clarity, connection, and
consistency.
I'm your host, Dr.
Nashay Lowe, and this is aspace where we explore what's
really underneath the momentsthat challenge us and how they
can lead to something morehonest, more human, and more
whole.
So let's get into it.
The way children are guidedthrough conflict shapes how they
(00:42):
handle power, emotion, andconnection throughout their
lives.
By equipping kids with conflictskills early on, we don't just
avoid tantrums.
We raise emotionallyintelligent, self-aware, and
resilient adults.
I'm joined today by earlychildhood trainer, Cara Tyrrell.
Cara, can you please introduceyourself to the people?
Cara Tyrrell (01:01):
I'd love to.
Thank you so much for havingme, Dr.
Nishai.
I am thrilled to be here.
I am a mom of adult girls whoare now women.
So I've been through everyphase and stage of that
transformation with them.
I am an early childhoodeducator, as you mentioned, and
also the founder of Core4Parenting, which helps me be a
(01:24):
collaborative parenting coach totoddler and preschool parents.
Dr. Shay (01:30):
Beautiful.
So to start off, let's talkabout conflict and what stages
it begins for children.
So what are the earliest signsthat a child is beginning to
learn how to navigate conflict?
Cara Tyrrell (01:43):
Well, when kids are very young, so between zero
and one, that first year oflife, they really are just still
in that survival space.
They're learning how to gettheir basic needs met.
Once there's an elevation, likewe call it a learning leap, and
that cognition kind of leaps upinto those early toddler years
(02:06):
and then they start to realizethat they have opinions and
wants and desires.
And they start to visualizeoutcomes in their head.
And when the outcome in reallife doesn't match the outcome
in their head is when we startto see those early signs of
conflict, usually indicated bycrying or tantruming.
Dr. Shay (02:29):
Interesting.
And so, you know, you broughtup children interpreting
conflict.
Some complex emotions that Ithink even as adults are hard
for us to sort throughsometimes.
So how do young childreninterpret things like power,
fairness, or frustration?
Cara Tyrrell (02:42):
Well, the first thing that is so important to
understand is that they don't.
So we as adults do all of thatcognitive interpretation.
And we are looking at thoseboundary lines and the fairness.
And that's all up here in ourbrain.
We are cognitive problemsolvers every minute of the day
(03:07):
as adults.
Kids in that one tothree-year-old range, if we're
talking like real toddlerhood,are all feeling.
They're all emotion.
That's all they do is absorbemotion or feeling.
and try to process it or have afeeling and try to identify it
(03:31):
or express a feeling.
And the expression of feeling,the energy in motion, emotions
that come out very often are thethings that we look at and say,
that's a meltdown, that's atantrum, but they really are
just processing their feelingsaround a potential conflict.
Dr. Shay (03:54):
Wow.
Okay.
So thinking about that, a childis, again, learning in the
moment, processing, right?
And how do we as parents thenkeep ourselves, I guess, from
projecting our conditions ontothem?
Cara Tyrrell (04:10):
That's exactly it.
And it's so, so hard to dobecause our conditioning is sets
us up for that knee-jerkreaction, and our cognitive
state of being at this advancedage of whatever it might be,
mid-20s all the way up throughmid-40s, when we are
(04:32):
child-rearing, those littleteeny ones, tells us, oh, you
can solve this for them, but wejust shouldn't.
So instead of, when there's aconflict and there's a meltdown
in the moment, instead ofreacting to the emotion, we need
(04:54):
to respond by naming facts.
Facts first, feelings second.
Right?
So what I mean by this is, if achild has just been told that
they cannot have their specialtreat that came home from
preschool with them until afterdinner, and they're having a
(05:17):
massive emotional outburstaround this news, instead of
talking to the outburst, Stopcrying.
Why do you always get so upset?
My answer's never different.
All those things.
We need to talk to just thefacts we see in front of us.
(05:39):
Be their mirror.
You are so upset that you arekicking your feet on the floor.
You are so angry about mydecision that you are screaming
really loudly.
These reflective statementsspeak to what's happening and so
(06:01):
when we use those type ofstatements with there's no
danger of projecting identityissues onto our small children
the identity issues come when wedo exactly what you said we
tend to do because that's howwe've been conditioned
Dr. Shay (06:21):
right right Oh, so many thoughts there.
My sort of first one, justplaying devil's advocate, was
naming the facts or what'shappening.
I guess in that moment, youkind of explained the goal, but
I feel like there would be a lotof parents, especially with
young children who are justlike, that doesn't work or that
(06:43):
doesn't help me get, I guess,the situation under control.
So I guess what would you sayto those parents?
Cara Tyrrell (06:50):
Well, there's stages towards a resolution,
right?
And in the stage that I justdescribed, I'm not thinking
about the resolution yet.
I'm not trying to solve it,right?
That's what we're trying toavoid as our first entry with
this conversation or with thishuman interaction.
(07:11):
What you need to create, andthis is the hard part because we
weren't given thistraditionally, You need to
create a permission space.
Permission to cry.
Permission to feel.
Space to do it.
And here's the craziest part.
(07:32):
Time.
Kids process at a differentspeed than we do.
A very different speed.
Especially when they're tryingto figure it all out.
So they need enough time tomove all of this through their
body, just as long as they'resafe, right?
If they're doing this in a waythat other people aren't safe or
(07:56):
we think they aren't, that's adifferent strategy.
That's a different interactionpoint.
But as long as they are justletting it out, they need
permission to do that becausewhen they feel safe in their
space and they feel safe enoughto be heard, even if it's not
what we love to hear, they willthen also feel on the other side
(08:20):
of the meltdown ready to have areal conversation with you.
Dr. Shay (08:25):
And so going back a little bit about the sort of
habitual practice of projectingonto the children, how does that
sort of affect a child'slong-term ability to manage
conflict independently?
Cara Tyrrell (08:42):
Yeah.
So the example I used when wesay stop crying, what we're
really saying is stopcommunicating.
And when we send that messageunintentionally, what we do is
we build that wall for thembrick by brick by brick so that
(09:04):
when they have an opinion,inside a conflict moment, when
they disagree with anotherperson, or they have a different
idea than the other person,they don't feel self-confident
enough to say it out loud.
We are the ones that give themthat.
(09:25):
They're born using their voice.
They are just borncommunicating.
And first, it's veryinstinctive.
And we know the different typesof cries.
What's a wet cry?
What's a dirty cry?
What's a hungry cry?
That type of expressivelanguage organically happens as
(09:47):
kids grow up.
But we often squash that voiceearly on.
And in doing that, we'resetting them up to be either the
followers or just kind of goinward or even worse, people
pleasers.
Dr. Shay (10:07):
And I guess building on that sort of, you know,
again, we're talking about theearly years, but so what's that
sort of balance between guidingand letting kids work things out
on their own?
Cara Tyrrell (10:22):
Well, This is where the power of pronouns
comes in big time.
And I am a linguist, right?
That is in my background.
And I bring all of thisintentional language to what I
teach when we're interactingwith small kids.
When we're using I statements,they're hearing something
(10:43):
different.
When we're using youstatements, they hear I
statements.
So when you say...
You're so messy.
They hear, I'm so messy, right?
So these are really importantframeworks to understand that in
(11:04):
order to give kids a sense ofthat early boundary setting,
because it is key.
I'm not saying that they getfree range, right?
But you have to believe thatyou're a team, right?
And teams are built on mutualrespect and honesty and the
ability to believe that theother person is telling you the
(11:28):
truth and are willing to hearwhat you have to say.
So if we can bring that down totiny hood level, it means that
we're going to be using westatements.
You're not the problem.
I'm not the problem.
We have problems.
a problem.
(11:49):
And we can figure out how tosolve it together.
Dr. Shay (11:56):
Wow.
And again, the flow of this ismoving so beautifully because my
next sort of curiosity point,if you will, is what are some
age-appropriate ways tointroduce concepts like
boundaries, like you're talkingabout, and active listening and
compromise?
Cara Tyrrell (12:16):
Okay.
So the first thing is you needto teach what that is.
Kids don't know what compromiseis, right?
This is where we get stuck inour head as adults a lot, is we
understand all these conceptsand we are using strategies.
People go on social media, theygo on TikTok, they go on
Instagram, they're like, oh,quick tip, quick this strategy.
(12:38):
But the kids don't understandthe concept.
So if you want to be learninghow to compromise with your
child and you want them to learnwhat that is, tell them.
A compromise means a little bitof what you want and a little
bit of what I want.
And we both will have to worktogether because we're each
(12:59):
going to have to make a littlebit of a sacrifice.
Teach what it is.
And then around that, if thereare non-negotiables, because
there are definitely parts ofyour day as a parent or as a
teacher with toddlers, where itjust is what it is.
And if we're saying that wewant them to have a voice, and
(13:22):
we do, so that they feelincluded, then we need to make
sure that the opportunities wegive them to use their voice are
spaces that we're willing tohear what they have to say.
So please, if you get nothingelse out of this interview, take
this with you.
Stop asking yes, no questions.
(13:43):
If you are not in a position orspace to be able to hear them
tell you no.
If you ask it, you're givingthem that space and that
opportunity and you have tohonor and respect that you
respect their answers and theirvoice.
If the answer is, this has gotto be happening, we're going to
(14:04):
turn those questions intostatements.
Instead of, are you ready fornap time?
It is, it is nap time.
Or would you like to get yourdiaper changed?
It is time for a diaper change.
So you automatically hijack thepossibility of that massive
(14:28):
power struggle by just definingthe boundary right out of the
gate.
Dr. Shay (14:34):
Thank you.
And then, so...
I think we talked about this alittle bit in the beginning of
like children, again, learningand discovering their emotions,
right?
So of course there's differentparenting styles.
And so let's, I guess, enterthis part of the conversation,
(14:54):
incorporating the plethora ofknowledge and types of parents
that there are.
So how do we as parentsnormalize emotions without
encouraging blame or reactivity?
Cara Tyrrell (15:08):
Oh, I love this.
Well, first of all, it's reallyimportant to me that people
expand their emotionalvocabulary.
One of the things we tend to dois dumb down the range of
emotion for kids.
They're either happy, sad, ormad.
(15:28):
And that is usually how wereflect back to them.
Oh, you're so happy.
Oh, you feel sad.
Oh, I can tell you're mad.
Well, There are so many moreemotions and there's depths of
emotion.
So it's essential that we startto expand that emotional
vocabulary.
And the easiest way to do thisis actually to get a little bit
(15:51):
vulnerable, as we should, andreflect how we are feeling about
things in our lives.
Because as adults, wedefinitely know all those
different levels of It doesn'thave to be around your kids.
You can be sitting at thedinner table and you can share a
daytime story from when youwere out at work that day about
(16:14):
how frustrated you felt becauseyour coworker told you they were
going to do something butdidn't end up doing it.
And then you had some overwhelmbecause all of a sudden you had
more work than you thought youhad.
And then you had anxietybecause you didn't think you
could get it done on time.
The modeling through yourexperience allows you to then
(16:35):
circle back when they're havingthat And say, remember when I
had anxiety?
I told you I just felt like allweird in my body and I didn't
know if I could get this thingdone.
It looks like you might befeeling that right now, too,
because you made such a big messwith all your toys.
You're worried you can't pickthem all up.
Dr. Shay (16:59):
I'd like to focus on that modeling part you just
talked about, which is, I think,so important.
I think there's a lot ofparents with good intentions who
try to, there's an old saying,do as I say, not as I do.
Can you talk to the importanceof modeling the behaviors and
how it actually affects a childlong term versus just being told
(17:20):
something?
Cara Tyrrell (17:21):
Absolutely.
So first of all, I grew up withthat phrase.
And It took me a while, but Ihave an article that I wrote
early on in Core 4 Parenting'sexistence where the last line
is, instead of do as I do, notas I say, how about we say, do
as I do and I'll learn to dobetter.
Dr. Shay (17:42):
How about?
Cara Tyrrell (17:45):
Because we're always learning and growing and
we should be.
This idea that parents got itall figured out.
That's ridiculous.
I don't know who sold you thatbill of goods, but it's rotten,
right?
So that's the first mostimportant thing to feel right
now is we're in this journeytogether, right?
(18:07):
I'm designing your childhood,yes, based on my choices and my
methods and my words, but youget to be part of designing your
childhood too.
We're in this together, right?
So this really boils down intothe healthy relationship
category because everything wedo, whether we are modeling by
(18:30):
having a conversation with ourpartner, they're watching and
they're listening, or modelingby doing what we just did in
that example with our life andhow it connects to their life,
it's all about healthyrelationships.
And there's three differenttypes of relationships.
There is inner relationships.
Because we are designing arelationship with ourself.
(18:53):
And we have so, I work with somany parents now that say, I
really wish I didn't have to goback and reparent myself to be
the parent I want to be now.
I would really like to create ascenario where my child is good
as they go up, you know, sothey don't have to do that.
So there's the inner, there'sthe interpersonal relationships
(19:15):
between people.
And then there are kind of themore acquaintance style
relationships that you have inthe world at the grocery store
with your favorite checkoutperson at the post.
I live in a small town.
Can you tell?
We all know each other.
The local grocery store.
(19:37):
But when it comes to modeling,you are planting long-term seeds
of what it looks like whenpeople interact with each other
in a healthy way, what it soundslike when people interact with
each other in a healthy way.
And you are showing that beyondthe conflict, beyond that
(20:05):
challenging conversation thatthey were either part of or
overheard, that relationshipcontinues to exist and it
returns to that nice, healthystatus quo most of the time.
And then there's these blipsbecause the truth is conflict is
part of life.
And so if parents, as we sooften do, see it coming and
(20:30):
prevent it or see it coming andblock it, we're actually doing
our kids a massive disservicebecause they will not have the
reflective tools they need Youknow, those experiences that
they have garnered over theyears to think back on when
they're in the middle of one orthe linguistic tools.
Dr. Shay (20:55):
And so I'm thinking, you know, I imagine as important
as modeling healthy behaviorsis for a child to see on a
day-to-day basis, It's not goingto be perfect, of course.
And so in those moments, Iguess, where the child is
witnessing the less healthyhabits and patterns, how can
(21:19):
parents use that as a teachablemoment instead?
Maybe transform it into adifferent way of looking at what
just happened.
Cara Tyrrell (21:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
And this, again, this takesincredible honesty and
self-reflection and like thisactualization process inside
ourselves to be able to thenlater on sit down with your two
and a half year old and talk tothem like an adult.
Hey, I blew it.
(21:47):
That is not what my voiceusually sounds like.
And I didn't want it to.
And it happened.
And I'm sorry.
I wish I had said, and thengive them like, it's almost like
you're going back in time toreplay the moment, except this
(22:07):
time you're going to do it theway that if you had had your
wits about you that you wouldhave.
And so they have thatcomparison model of, oh yeah,
sometimes things don't go right.
And that's life and that'sokay.
As long as we do this thingcalled take ownership of
everything.
And that is a skill that youcan teach a two-year-old.
(22:33):
You can teach a three-year-oldby modeling it, but then also
coming down into their world andsaying, when things don't go
the way I thought they could orshould, I make sure to revisit
it in my mind.
And then I play it again.
And they're good at that,right?
(22:53):
They're learning that creativeplay.
They're learning all thatimagination and using their
brain in that way.
And another one that I alwaysask parents to do at the end of
the day, whether it's been agreat day or it was an off the
rails kind of day, is high, low,hope.
So a lot more parents arereally intentionalizing that
(23:18):
bedtime routine beyond just abook and a bath and all this
stuff.
And they're asking kids to havean interactive conversation
processing parts of their day.
And so when you've got teenytiny ones, you don't want to get
into all those layers, right?
What's something you want totalk about today?
That's more of like afive-year-old and up
(23:39):
conversation.
But when you've got littles,you can say, let's do High Low
Hope.
My high of the day is when youate all the peas off your plate.
My low of the day is when Iyelled and didn't mean to or
didn't want to.
And my hope for tomorrow isthat when we go to the park that
(24:00):
you will make a new friend andplay with them for a little
while, right?
We're recapping and we'removing forward.
And then you'll be surprisedhow quickly these small people
start to have their own highlows and hopes?
Dr. Shay (24:16):
You know, this honestly just almost sounds like
a parenting evolution, really,in the way that we're
communicating.
Because I think moretraditionally, there's almost
just like a, not hierarchy, butit's very just like the way we
operated is I'm the parent,you're the child.
I don't basically have toexplain anything to you.
(24:38):
You do as I say.
That's kind of been thedynamic, I think, historically,
right?
intro/outro music (24:42):
Yeah.
Dr. Shay (24:42):
When has this shift happened?
And I think it gets a lot ofcriticism because it's almost
like seen as quote unquote softparenting or that just doesn't
work.
You know, you shouldn't have totalk or explain anything to
your children.
So can you talk a little bitabout maybe when that shift
happened and the importance ofmoving in that direction?
Yeah,
Cara Tyrrell (25:02):
absolutely.
So this has been...
a decade or two in the makingconscious parenting and being
but you know I talk a lot aboutconscious being something that
happens individual withinyourself right when you are
consciously attending tosomething it's all about your
mindset your perspective youroutlook your choices when we
(25:25):
collaborate that's the teamright then there's two mindsets
two perspectives two opinionstwo voices so This conscious
awareness that the way we neededto interact with our children,
first of all, to raise healthyhumans, and then also teach them
(25:47):
the skills that they needed tobe successful when they were not
with us in a preschool, in adaycare, in a school setting.
This has been a couple decadesin the making, but I will tell
you, COVID put it on hyperdrive.
intro/outro music (26:04):
Mm-hmm.
Cara Tyrrell (26:04):
The minute the world turned upside down and
parents who were used to seeingtheir kids for maybe four hours
a day were seeing them 24 hoursa day, they had their eyes open
to this possibility that, oh mygosh, one, I've lost a lot of
time.
(26:24):
Two, the way we're interactingis actually not feeling good.
I did this because I wanted...
parenting feel joyful, right?
So where's the joy?
How do we recapture that?
And so there has been kind ofthis ratchet up of all these
(26:44):
different labels that are puton, but really essentially it is
parents who really just want toenjoy parenting.
And instead of having massiveexpectations that can't be met,
therefore everyone's constantlyreturning to conflict and power
struggle, They've lowered thoseexpectations to make them
(27:05):
reasonable and achievable and tosay, hey, we're in this
together and we'll figure it outtogether.
That said, I, in my framework,we hold kids accountable and
that teaches them to be what thenatural consequences are for
their choices.
But what I do before they evenmake the choice.
(27:28):
So here's another one.
Remember you said, Do as I say,not as I do.
Something I remember is, if youfill in the blank, then I will
fill in the blank.
Yes?
If then.
In that framework, they're verypunitive.
Some people will say they're awarning, but they're not.
(27:49):
It's more of a threat.
So what I do is I add onesimple word, Nishay.
If you choose to jump off theswing one more time, then you're
choosing that we get back inthe car and go home because
that's not a safe choice.
One word changes everything.
(28:11):
Now it's their choice.
Not telling them not to makethe decision, but I'm saying
here's what's going to happen ifyou choose it.
That natural consequence toyour choice is something I will
100% follow through on because Ilove you that much.
that I need to teach you.
That's how it works.
Dr. Shay (28:33):
So powerful.
So powerful.
Wow.
And also in your work then, howdo you help parents maybe that
first step in shifting their ownconflict habits so that they
can model healthier behaviors?
Cara Tyrrell (28:48):
Yeah, that's a big one, isn't it?
I guess I would say in doingthis work, you just have to Be
willing to put a mirror up toyourself.
I talk to you about pronouns.
Be your own pronoun, please.
Listen to what's coming out ofyour mouth, and if you hear it,
(29:11):
fix it.
I talk to you about yes-noquestions.
If you're somebody who hearsthem just popping out and
popping, especially rhetoricalones.
Your kiddo is sitting therebuilding a very tall tower, and
you walk up to them and you say,oh, are you building a tower?
I'm like...
Yes, clearly they are, right?
(29:32):
Instead, give them someinformation.
Wow, you're building thetallest tower I've ever seen you
build, right?
Do something different.
Just make those little minishifts to start conversations
differently.
And you will start to see howquickly your kids respond
differently.
(29:53):
And the more they do, the moreyou're going to want to keep
going down this journey.
Dr. Shay (29:58):
It sounds like, A little more intentionality in
how you're speaking with them,right?
Cara Tyrrell (30:03):
A lot more intentionality.
Yeah.
Everyone comes for strategies.
Why?
Because we want to solve,right?
But before we get to thosestrategies, we work through
entire modules on mindsetshifts, perspective shifts, and
then getting inside, like Iteach people, like the little
people in neuroscience, so thatthey know what's happening
(30:26):
inside their child's brain andhow the wiring is coming
together and how it's uniquelydifferent than theirs.
And boy, does that help somuch.
It just levels the playingfield.
Dr. Shay (30:35):
And so obviously this transformation is not easy.
We have these things ingrainedin us, right?
Passed down from generation togeneration.
And So what role does graceplay in the work that you do for
ourselves and our children?
Cara Tyrrell (30:51):
Well, it's everything.
Because if you're willing toput a mirror up and look at the
parts of you that you, one,didn't realize were there, and
two, don't particularly like,then you have to have a lot of
grace for yourself.
And I...
counsel people to build theirown affirmations for this
(31:13):
purpose.
So I am someone who is thebeginning of all of our
affirmation statements.
And for that parent, it wouldbe, I am someone who is learning
to accept that the words havebeen coming out of my mouth.
don't want them to anymore.
I am somebody who is choosingto be present in the moment and
(31:33):
let my child cry so that theycan move emotions through their
body.
And so we build affirmationstatements to match and
personalize the most challengingtriggers for these parents.
Dr. Shay (31:50):
Can you share one belief about conflict that you
want every parent to unlearn andone you wish every child could
grow up with?
Cara Tyrrell (32:02):
So one belief about conflict I wish every
parent could unlearn is thatit's always negative.
It's not.
Just like the word consequencehas that real negative
connotation, there are verypositive consequences to our
choices.
And conflict builds character.
(32:24):
It is an internal process ofweighing decisions.
If I do this, I wonder whatwill happen.
If I do this, it's the learningof what feels right and wrong.
It's tapping into your gut.
The conflict is something thatwe learn from.
We're not damaged by as long aswe address it that way.
(32:46):
And so you have to give yourkids opportunities to practice
this.
So that's one thing I wishpeople could just say, enough of
that.
So about conflict, right?
Yeah.
I wish that every child couldgrow up understanding that
(33:13):
conflict can be a discussion.
My prayer is that every childcan grow up knowing that
conflict can be Yes, it is apart of life and it will happen,
but that when we intentionallychoose to interact with somebody
in such a way that we are notsetting ourselves up for
(33:39):
conflict, it can be avoided moreoften than not.
I talk about this when I'mdoing teacher trainings,
particularly around the ideathat there's always a way to
avoid saying no.
We are no-sayers.
And no is a negative word.
It builds the wall.
Kids go into protection mode.
(34:01):
And so no big surprise, all ofa sudden, we end up in a power
struggle, a conflict.
But if there's a way to avoidsaying no, then we remain open
to the conversation.
We remain open to thecollaboration.
And we can often avoid thatconflict.
intro/outro music (34:22):
Yeah.
Dr. Shay (34:24):
I like that.
I have to build on that alittle bit because I actually
often say conflict isn't theissue.
Avoiding conflict is.
However, I do see the overlapin that I think we're both
getting to a point whereconditions serve the parties
(34:46):
enough that you can prevent theconflict from happening in the
first place, right?
Cara Tyrrell (34:50):
Yes.
Just a quick example then tokind of help solidify it.
If a child says, mom isdropping off at daycare and the
kiddo says, as they often do,just they're great at
statements, by the way, they go,after school, we're going to
the park.
And she's like, whoa, this isnew information to me in my
(35:12):
brain.
She has choices.
She can shut them down and say,No, we're not doing that today.
Now, conflict will ensue inthat moment because energy
motion, meltdown.
Now it's the poor teacher'ssituation to deal with moms
walking out the door, right?
(35:32):
Or she could say, I'm not surethat will fit into our schedule
today.
I like the idea of going to thepark after school.
That sounds fun.
Let me look at the calendar andsee which day this week we can
do that.
There isn't a no anywhere inthose.
It's a not.
(35:53):
We turn the no into a not.
Dr. Shay (35:57):
Love that.
I love that.
Gosh, I can talk to youforever.
This is so insightful.
And, you know, not even being aparent, I'm learning so much.
But before we wrap this up, canyou just let everyone know
where to find you or follow youin your work?
Cara Tyrrell (36:14):
Absolutely.
So the best way to get to knowme is actually to come over to
my podcast.
It's called Transforming theToddler Years.
And there are episodes therefor parents.
There are episodes there foreducators.
And then also through thosechannels, you're going to see
some resources that I have foryou, language, specific language
(36:36):
that your child needs to hearyou say every single day to
build those bonds.
And then I do have a course,the Transforming the Toddler
Years course.
They're where we work togetherto personalize your journey.
And then when we get tostrategies, they actually work
because we now know who you are,who your child is, and what the
value system of your household
Dr. Shay (36:57):
is.
Amazing.
And what's the website toaccess that course?
Cara Tyrrell (37:02):
It is caraterral.com backslash
transform.
Dr. Shay (37:07):
We'll also have that in your bio.
So today's conversationreminded us that how children
learn to navigate tension,power, and emotion starts long
before adulthood.
Parenting isn't just aboutteaching right and wrong.
It's about modeling how tolisten, how to speak up with
care, and how to stay connectedeven when things get hard.
When we teach conflict skillsearly, we're not just raising
(37:31):
children who know how to getalong.
We're raising future leaders,partners, and community builders
who can meet the world withresilience.
resilience, empathy, andcourage.
As always, thank you forjoining me today in the
Resolution Room.
I'm grateful you're here doingthis work alongside me.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to please
share.
Until next time, keep buildingon the quiet because that's what
(37:53):
will carry you forward.
intro/outro music (38:06):
Thank you.
*intro
Dr. Shay (00:21):
Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn
tension into transformationthrough clarity, connection, and
consistency.
I'm your host, Dr.
Nashay Lowe, and this is aspace where we explore what's
really underneath the momentsthat challenge us and how they
can lead to something morehonest, more human, and more
whole.
So let's get into it.
The way children are guidedthrough conflict shapes how they
(00:42):
handle power, emotion, andconnection throughout their
lives.
By equipping kids with conflictskills early on, we don't just
avoid tantrums.
We raise emotionallyintelligent, self-aware, and
resilient adults.
I'm joined today by earlychildhood trainer, Cara Tyrrell.
Cara, can you please introduceyourself to the people?
Cara Tyrrell (01:01):
I'd love to.
Thank you so much for havingme, Dr.
Nishai.
I am thrilled to be here.
I am a mom of adult girls whoare now women.
So I've been through everyphase and stage of that
transformation with them.
I am an early childhoodeducator, as you mentioned, and
also the founder of Core4Parenting, which helps me be a
(01:24):
collaborative parenting coach totoddler and preschool parents.
Dr. Shay (01:30):
Beautiful.
So to start off, let's talkabout conflict and what stages
it begins for children.
So what are the earliest signsthat a child is beginning to
learn how to navigate conflict?
Cara Tyrrell (01:43):
Well, when kids are very young, so between zero
and one, that first year oflife, they really are just still
in that survival space.
They're learning how to gettheir basic needs met.
Once there's an elevation, likewe call it a learning leap, and
that cognition kind of leaps upinto those early toddler years
(02:06):
and then they start to realizethat they have opinions and
wants and desires.
And they start to visualizeoutcomes in their head.
And when the outcome in reallife doesn't match the outcome
in their head is when we startto see those early signs of
conflict, usually indicated bycrying or tantruming.
Dr. Shay (02:29):
Interesting.
And so, you know, you broughtup children interpreting
conflict.
Some complex emotions that Ithink even as adults are hard
for us to sort throughsometimes.
So how do young childreninterpret things like power,
fairness, or frustration?
Cara Tyrrell (02:42):
Well, the first thing that is so important to
understand is that they don't.
So we as adults do all of thatcognitive interpretation.
And we are looking at thoseboundary lines and the fairness.
And that's all up here in ourbrain.
We are cognitive problemsolvers every minute of the day
(03:07):
as adults.
Kids in that one tothree-year-old range, if we're
talking like real toddlerhood,are all feeling.
They're all emotion.
That's all they do is absorbemotion or feeling.
and try to process it or have afeeling and try to identify it
(03:31):
or express a feeling.
And the expression of feeling,the energy in motion, emotions
that come out very often are thethings that we look at and say,
that's a meltdown, that's atantrum, but they really are
just processing their feelingsaround a potential conflict.
Dr. Shay (03:54):
Wow.
Okay.
So thinking about that, a childis, again, learning in the
moment, processing, right?
And how do we as parents thenkeep ourselves, I guess, from
projecting our conditions ontothem?
Cara Tyrrell (04:10):
That's exactly it.
And it's so, so hard to dobecause our conditioning is sets
us up for that knee-jerkreaction, and our cognitive
state of being at this advancedage of whatever it might be,
mid-20s all the way up throughmid-40s, when we are
(04:32):
child-rearing, those littleteeny ones, tells us, oh, you
can solve this for them, but wejust shouldn't.
So instead of, when there's aconflict and there's a meltdown
in the moment, instead ofreacting to the emotion, we need
(04:54):
to respond by naming facts.
Facts first, feelings second.
Right?
So what I mean by this is, if achild has just been told that
they cannot have their specialtreat that came home from
preschool with them until afterdinner, and they're having a
(05:17):
massive emotional outburstaround this news, instead of
talking to the outburst, Stopcrying.
Why do you always get so upset?
My answer's never different.
All those things.
We need to talk to just thefacts we see in front of us.
(05:39):
Be their mirror.
You are so upset that you arekicking your feet on the floor.
You are so angry about mydecision that you are screaming
really loudly.
These reflective statementsspeak to what's happening and so
(06:01):
when we use those type ofstatements with there's no
danger of projecting identityissues onto our small children
the identity issues come when wedo exactly what you said we
tend to do because that's howwe've been conditioned
Dr. Shay (06:21):
right right Oh, so many thoughts there.
My sort of first one, justplaying devil's advocate, was
naming the facts or what'shappening.
I guess in that moment, youkind of explained the goal, but
I feel like there would be a lotof parents, especially with
young children who are justlike, that doesn't work or that
(06:43):
doesn't help me get, I guess,the situation under control.
So I guess what would you sayto those parents?
Cara Tyrrell (06:50):
Well, there's stages towards a resolution,
right?
And in the stage that I justdescribed, I'm not thinking
about the resolution yet.
I'm not trying to solve it,right?
That's what we're trying toavoid as our first entry with
this conversation or with thishuman interaction.
(07:11):
What you need to create, andthis is the hard part because we
weren't given thistraditionally, You need to
create a permission space.
Permission to cry.
Permission to feel.
Space to do it.
And here's the craziest part.
(07:32):
Time.
Kids process at a differentspeed than we do.
A very different speed.
Especially when they're tryingto figure it all out.
So they need enough time tomove all of this through their
body, just as long as they'resafe, right?
If they're doing this in a waythat other people aren't safe or
(07:56):
we think they aren't, that's adifferent strategy.
That's a different interactionpoint.
But as long as they are justletting it out, they need
permission to do that becausewhen they feel safe in their
space and they feel safe enoughto be heard, even if it's not
what we love to hear, they willthen also feel on the other side
(08:20):
of the meltdown ready to have areal conversation with you.
Dr. Shay (08:25):
And so going back a little bit about the sort of
habitual practice of projectingonto the children, how does that
sort of affect a child'slong-term ability to manage
conflict independently?
Cara Tyrrell (08:42):
Yeah.
So the example I used when wesay stop crying, what we're
really saying is stopcommunicating.
And when we send that messageunintentionally, what we do is
we build that wall for thembrick by brick by brick so that
(09:04):
when they have an opinion,inside a conflict moment, when
they disagree with anotherperson, or they have a different
idea than the other person,they don't feel self-confident
enough to say it out loud.
We are the ones that give themthat.
(09:25):
They're born using their voice.
They are just borncommunicating.
And first, it's veryinstinctive.
And we know the different typesof cries.
What's a wet cry?
What's a dirty cry?
What's a hungry cry?
That type of expressivelanguage organically happens as
(09:47):
kids grow up.
But we often squash that voiceearly on.
And in doing that, we'resetting them up to be either the
followers or just kind of goinward or even worse, people
pleasers.
Dr. Shay (10:07):
And I guess building on that sort of, you know,
again, we're talking about theearly years, but so what's that
sort of balance between guidingand letting kids work things out
on their own?
Cara Tyrrell (10:22):
Well, This is where the power of pronouns
comes in big time.
And I am a linguist, right?
That is in my background.
And I bring all of thisintentional language to what I
teach when we're interactingwith small kids.
When we're using I statements,they're hearing something
(10:43):
different.
When we're using youstatements, they hear I
statements.
So when you say...
You're so messy.
They hear, I'm so messy, right?
So these are really importantframeworks to understand that in
(11:04):
order to give kids a sense ofthat early boundary setting,
because it is key.
I'm not saying that they getfree range, right?
But you have to believe thatyou're a team, right?
And teams are built on mutualrespect and honesty and the
ability to believe that theother person is telling you the
(11:28):
truth and are willing to hearwhat you have to say.
So if we can bring that down totiny hood level, it means that
we're going to be using westatements.
You're not the problem.
I'm not the problem.
We have problems.
a problem.
(11:49):
And we can figure out how tosolve it together.
Dr. Shay (11:56):
Wow.
And again, the flow of this ismoving so beautifully because my
next sort of curiosity point,if you will, is what are some
age-appropriate ways tointroduce concepts like
boundaries, like you're talkingabout, and active listening and
compromise?
Cara Tyrrell (12:16):
Okay.
So the first thing is you needto teach what that is.
Kids don't know what compromiseis, right?
This is where we get stuck inour head as adults a lot, is we
understand all these conceptsand we are using strategies.
People go on social media, theygo on TikTok, they go on
Instagram, they're like, oh,quick tip, quick this strategy.
(12:38):
But the kids don't understandthe concept.
So if you want to be learninghow to compromise with your
child and you want them to learnwhat that is, tell them.
A compromise means a little bitof what you want and a little
bit of what I want.
And we both will have to worktogether because we're each
(12:59):
going to have to make a littlebit of a sacrifice.
Teach what it is.
And then around that, if thereare non-negotiables, because
there are definitely parts ofyour day as a parent or as a
teacher with toddlers, where itjust is what it is.
And if we're saying that wewant them to have a voice, and
(13:22):
we do, so that they feelincluded, then we need to make
sure that the opportunities wegive them to use their voice are
spaces that we're willing tohear what they have to say.
So please, if you get nothingelse out of this interview, take
this with you.
Stop asking yes, no questions.
(13:43):
If you are not in a position orspace to be able to hear them
tell you no.
If you ask it, you're givingthem that space and that
opportunity and you have tohonor and respect that you
respect their answers and theirvoice.
If the answer is, this has gotto be happening, we're going to
(14:04):
turn those questions intostatements.
Instead of, are you ready fornap time?
It is, it is nap time.
Or would you like to get yourdiaper changed?
It is time for a diaper change.
So you automatically hijack thepossibility of that massive
(14:28):
power struggle by just definingthe boundary right out of the
gate.
Dr. Shay (14:34):
Thank you.
And then, so...
I think we talked about this alittle bit in the beginning of
like children, again, learningand discovering their emotions,
right?
So of course there's differentparenting styles.
And so let's, I guess, enterthis part of the conversation,
(14:54):
incorporating the plethora ofknowledge and types of parents
that there are.
So how do we as parentsnormalize emotions without
encouraging blame or reactivity?
Cara Tyrrell (15:08):
Oh, I love this.
Well, first of all, it's reallyimportant to me that people
expand their emotionalvocabulary.
One of the things we tend to dois dumb down the range of
emotion for kids.
They're either happy, sad, ormad.
(15:28):
And that is usually how wereflect back to them.
Oh, you're so happy.
Oh, you feel sad.
Oh, I can tell you're mad.
Well, There are so many moreemotions and there's depths of
emotion.
So it's essential that we startto expand that emotional
vocabulary.
And the easiest way to do thisis actually to get a little bit
(15:51):
vulnerable, as we should, andreflect how we are feeling about
things in our lives.
Because as adults, wedefinitely know all those
different levels of It doesn'thave to be around your kids.
You can be sitting at thedinner table and you can share a
daytime story from when youwere out at work that day about
(16:14):
how frustrated you felt becauseyour coworker told you they were
going to do something butdidn't end up doing it.
And then you had some overwhelmbecause all of a sudden you had
more work than you thought youhad.
And then you had anxietybecause you didn't think you
could get it done on time.
The modeling through yourexperience allows you to then
(16:35):
circle back when they're havingthat And say, remember when I
had anxiety?
I told you I just felt like allweird in my body and I didn't
know if I could get this thingdone.
It looks like you might befeeling that right now, too,
because you made such a big messwith all your toys.
You're worried you can't pickthem all up.
Dr. Shay (16:59):
I'd like to focus on that modeling part you just
talked about, which is, I think,so important.
I think there's a lot ofparents with good intentions who
try to, there's an old saying,do as I say, not as I do.
Can you talk to the importanceof modeling the behaviors and
how it actually affects a childlong term versus just being told
(17:20):
something?
Cara Tyrrell (17:21):
Absolutely.
So first of all, I grew up withthat phrase.
And It took me a while, but Ihave an article that I wrote
early on in Core 4 Parenting'sexistence where the last line
is, instead of do as I do, notas I say, how about we say, do
as I do and I'll learn to dobetter.
Dr. Shay (17:42):
How about?
Cara Tyrrell (17:45):
Because we're always learning and growing and
we should be.
This idea that parents got itall figured out.
That's ridiculous.
I don't know who sold you thatbill of goods, but it's rotten,
right?
So that's the first mostimportant thing to feel right
now is we're in this journeytogether, right?
(18:07):
I'm designing your childhood,yes, based on my choices and my
methods and my words, but youget to be part of designing your
childhood too.
We're in this together, right?
So this really boils down intothe healthy relationship
category because everything wedo, whether we are modeling by
(18:30):
having a conversation with ourpartner, they're watching and
they're listening, or modelingby doing what we just did in
that example with our life andhow it connects to their life,
it's all about healthyrelationships.
And there's three differenttypes of relationships.
There is inner relationships.
Because we are designing arelationship with ourself.
(18:53):
And we have so, I work with somany parents now that say, I
really wish I didn't have to goback and reparent myself to be
the parent I want to be now.
I would really like to create ascenario where my child is good
as they go up, you know, sothey don't have to do that.
So there's the inner, there'sthe interpersonal relationships
(19:15):
between people.
And then there are kind of themore acquaintance style
relationships that you have inthe world at the grocery store
with your favorite checkoutperson at the post.
I live in a small town.
Can you tell?
We all know each other.
The local grocery store.
(19:37):
But when it comes to modeling,you are planting long-term seeds
of what it looks like whenpeople interact with each other
in a healthy way, what it soundslike when people interact with
each other in a healthy way.
And you are showing that beyondthe conflict, beyond that
(20:05):
challenging conversation thatthey were either part of or
overheard, that relationshipcontinues to exist and it
returns to that nice, healthystatus quo most of the time.
And then there's these blipsbecause the truth is conflict is
part of life.
And so if parents, as we sooften do, see it coming and
(20:30):
prevent it or see it coming andblock it, we're actually doing
our kids a massive disservicebecause they will not have the
reflective tools they need Youknow, those experiences that
they have garnered over theyears to think back on when
they're in the middle of one orthe linguistic tools.
Dr. Shay (20:55):
And so I'm thinking, you know, I imagine as important
as modeling healthy behaviorsis for a child to see on a
day-to-day basis, It's not goingto be perfect, of course.
And so in those moments, Iguess, where the child is
witnessing the less healthyhabits and patterns, how can
(21:19):
parents use that as a teachablemoment instead?
Maybe transform it into adifferent way of looking at what
just happened.
Cara Tyrrell (21:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
And this, again, this takesincredible honesty and
self-reflection and like thisactualization process inside
ourselves to be able to thenlater on sit down with your two
and a half year old and talk tothem like an adult.
Hey, I blew it.
(21:47):
That is not what my voiceusually sounds like.
And I didn't want it to.
And it happened.
And I'm sorry.
I wish I had said, and thengive them like, it's almost like
you're going back in time toreplay the moment, except this
(22:07):
time you're going to do it theway that if you had had your
wits about you that you wouldhave.
And so they have thatcomparison model of, oh yeah,
sometimes things don't go right.
And that's life and that'sokay.
As long as we do this thingcalled take ownership of
everything.
And that is a skill that youcan teach a two-year-old.
(22:33):
You can teach a three-year-oldby modeling it, but then also
coming down into their world andsaying, when things don't go
the way I thought they could orshould, I make sure to revisit
it in my mind.
And then I play it again.
And they're good at that,right?
(22:53):
They're learning that creativeplay.
They're learning all thatimagination and using their
brain in that way.
And another one that I alwaysask parents to do at the end of
the day, whether it's been agreat day or it was an off the
rails kind of day, is high, low,hope.
So a lot more parents arereally intentionalizing that
(23:18):
bedtime routine beyond just abook and a bath and all this
stuff.
And they're asking kids to havean interactive conversation
processing parts of their day.
And so when you've got teenytiny ones, you don't want to get
into all those layers, right?
What's something you want totalk about today?
That's more of like afive-year-old and up
(23:39):
conversation.
But when you've got littles,you can say, let's do High Low
Hope.
My high of the day is when youate all the peas off your plate.
My low of the day is when Iyelled and didn't mean to or
didn't want to.
And my hope for tomorrow isthat when we go to the park that
(24:00):
you will make a new friend andplay with them for a little
while, right?
We're recapping and we'removing forward.
And then you'll be surprisedhow quickly these small people
start to have their own highlows and hopes?
Dr. Shay (24:16):
You know, this honestly just almost sounds like
a parenting evolution, really,in the way that we're
communicating.
Because I think moretraditionally, there's almost
just like a, not hierarchy, butit's very just like the way we
operated is I'm the parent,you're the child.
I don't basically have toexplain anything to you.
(24:38):
You do as I say.
That's kind of been thedynamic, I think, historically,
right?
intro/outro music (24:42):
Yeah.
Dr. Shay (24:42):
When has this shift happened?
And I think it gets a lot ofcriticism because it's almost
like seen as quote unquote softparenting or that just doesn't
work.
You know, you shouldn't have totalk or explain anything to
your children.
So can you talk a little bitabout maybe when that shift
happened and the importance ofmoving in that direction?
Yeah,
Cara Tyrrell (25:02):
absolutely.
So this has been...
a decade or two in the makingconscious parenting and being
but you know I talk a lot aboutconscious being something that
happens individual withinyourself right when you are
consciously attending tosomething it's all about your
mindset your perspective youroutlook your choices when we
(25:25):
collaborate that's the teamright then there's two mindsets
two perspectives two opinionstwo voices so This conscious
awareness that the way we neededto interact with our children,
first of all, to raise healthyhumans, and then also teach them
(25:47):
the skills that they needed tobe successful when they were not
with us in a preschool, in adaycare, in a school setting.
This has been a couple decadesin the making, but I will tell
you, COVID put it on hyperdrive.
intro/outro music (26:04):
Mm-hmm.
Cara Tyrrell (26:04):
The minute the world turned upside down and
parents who were used to seeingtheir kids for maybe four hours
a day were seeing them 24 hoursa day, they had their eyes open
to this possibility that, oh mygosh, one, I've lost a lot of
time.
(26:24):
Two, the way we're interactingis actually not feeling good.
I did this because I wanted...
parenting feel joyful, right?
So where's the joy?
How do we recapture that?
And so there has been kind ofthis ratchet up of all these
(26:44):
different labels that are puton, but really essentially it is
parents who really just want toenjoy parenting.
And instead of having massiveexpectations that can't be met,
therefore everyone's constantlyreturning to conflict and power
struggle, They've lowered thoseexpectations to make them
(27:05):
reasonable and achievable and tosay, hey, we're in this
together and we'll figure it outtogether.
That said, I, in my framework,we hold kids accountable and
that teaches them to be what thenatural consequences are for
their choices.
But what I do before they evenmake the choice.
(27:28):
So here's another one.
Remember you said, Do as I say,not as I do.
Something I remember is, if youfill in the blank, then I will
fill in the blank.
Yes?
If then.
In that framework, they're verypunitive.
Some people will say they're awarning, but they're not.
(27:49):
It's more of a threat.
So what I do is I add onesimple word, Nishay.
If you choose to jump off theswing one more time, then you're
choosing that we get back inthe car and go home because
that's not a safe choice.
One word changes everything.
(28:11):
Now it's their choice.
Not telling them not to makethe decision, but I'm saying
here's what's going to happen ifyou choose it.
That natural consequence toyour choice is something I will
100% follow through on because Ilove you that much.
that I need to teach you.
That's how it works.
Dr. Shay (28:33):
So powerful.
So powerful.
Wow.
And also in your work then, howdo you help parents maybe that
first step in shifting their ownconflict habits so that they
can model healthier behaviors?
Cara Tyrrell (28:48):
Yeah, that's a big one, isn't it?
I guess I would say in doingthis work, you just have to Be
willing to put a mirror up toyourself.
I talk to you about pronouns.
Be your own pronoun, please.
Listen to what's coming out ofyour mouth, and if you hear it,
(29:11):
fix it.
I talk to you about yes-noquestions.
If you're somebody who hearsthem just popping out and
popping, especially rhetoricalones.
Your kiddo is sitting therebuilding a very tall tower, and
you walk up to them and you say,oh, are you building a tower?
I'm like...
Yes, clearly they are, right?
(29:32):
Instead, give them someinformation.
Wow, you're building thetallest tower I've ever seen you
build, right?
Do something different.
Just make those little minishifts to start conversations
differently.
And you will start to see howquickly your kids respond
differently.
(29:53):
And the more they do, the moreyou're going to want to keep
going down this journey.
Dr. Shay (29:58):
It sounds like, A little more intentionality in
how you're speaking with them,right?
Cara Tyrrell (30:03):
A lot more intentionality.
Yeah.
Everyone comes for strategies.
Why?
Because we want to solve,right?
But before we get to thosestrategies, we work through
entire modules on mindsetshifts, perspective shifts, and
then getting inside, like Iteach people, like the little
people in neuroscience, so thatthey know what's happening
(30:26):
inside their child's brain andhow the wiring is coming
together and how it's uniquelydifferent than theirs.
And boy, does that help somuch.
It just levels the playingfield.
Dr. Shay (30:35):
And so obviously this transformation is not easy.
We have these things ingrainedin us, right?
Passed down from generation togeneration.
And So what role does graceplay in the work that you do for
ourselves and our children?
Cara Tyrrell (30:51):
Well, it's everything.
Because if you're willing toput a mirror up and look at the
parts of you that you, one,didn't realize were there, and
two, don't particularly like,then you have to have a lot of
grace for yourself.
And I...
counsel people to build theirown affirmations for this
(31:13):
purpose.
So I am someone who is thebeginning of all of our
affirmation statements.
And for that parent, it wouldbe, I am someone who is learning
to accept that the words havebeen coming out of my mouth.
don't want them to anymore.
I am somebody who is choosingto be present in the moment and
(31:33):
let my child cry so that theycan move emotions through their
body.
And so we build affirmationstatements to match and
personalize the most challengingtriggers for these parents.
Dr. Shay (31:50):
Can you share one belief about conflict that you
want every parent to unlearn andone you wish every child could
grow up with?
Cara Tyrrell (32:02):
So one belief about conflict I wish every
parent could unlearn is thatit's always negative.
It's not.
Just like the word consequencehas that real negative
connotation, there are verypositive consequences to our
choices.
And conflict builds character.
(32:24):
It is an internal process ofweighing decisions.
If I do this, I wonder whatwill happen.
If I do this, it's the learningof what feels right and wrong.
It's tapping into your gut.
The conflict is something thatwe learn from.
We're not damaged by as long aswe address it that way.
(32:46):
And so you have to give yourkids opportunities to practice
this.
So that's one thing I wishpeople could just say, enough of
that.
So about conflict, right?
Yeah.
I wish that every child couldgrow up understanding that
(33:13):
conflict can be a discussion.
My prayer is that every childcan grow up knowing that
conflict can be Yes, it is apart of life and it will happen,
but that when we intentionallychoose to interact with somebody
in such a way that we are notsetting ourselves up for
(33:39):
conflict, it can be avoided moreoften than not.
I talk about this when I'mdoing teacher trainings,
particularly around the ideathat there's always a way to
avoid saying no.
We are no-sayers.
And no is a negative word.
It builds the wall.
Kids go into protection mode.
(34:01):
And so no big surprise, all ofa sudden, we end up in a power
struggle, a conflict.
But if there's a way to avoidsaying no, then we remain open
to the conversation.
We remain open to thecollaboration.
And we can often avoid thatconflict.
intro/outro music (34:22):
Yeah.
Dr. Shay (34:24):
I like that.
I have to build on that alittle bit because I actually
often say conflict isn't theissue.
Avoiding conflict is.
However, I do see the overlapin that I think we're both
getting to a point whereconditions serve the parties
(34:46):
enough that you can prevent theconflict from happening in the
first place, right?
Cara Tyrrell (34:50):
Yes.
Just a quick example then tokind of help solidify it.
If a child says, mom isdropping off at daycare and the
kiddo says, as they often do,just they're great at
statements, by the way, they go,after school, we're going to
the park.
And she's like, whoa, this isnew information to me in my
(35:12):
brain.
She has choices.
She can shut them down and say,No, we're not doing that today.
Now, conflict will ensue inthat moment because energy
motion, meltdown.
Now it's the poor teacher'ssituation to deal with moms
walking out the door, right?
(35:32):
Or she could say, I'm not surethat will fit into our schedule
today.
I like the idea of going to thepark after school.
That sounds fun.
Let me look at the calendar andsee which day this week we can
do that.
There isn't a no anywhere inthose.
It's a not.
(35:53):
We turn the no into a not.
Dr. Shay (35:57):
Love that.
I love that.
Gosh, I can talk to youforever.
This is so insightful.
And, you know, not even being aparent, I'm learning so much.
But before we wrap this up, canyou just let everyone know
where to find you or follow youin your work?
Cara Tyrrell (36:14):
Absolutely.
So the best way to get to knowme is actually to come over to
my podcast.
It's called Transforming theToddler Years.
And there are episodes therefor parents.
There are episodes there foreducators.
And then also through thosechannels, you're going to see
some resources that I have foryou, language, specific language
(36:36):
that your child needs to hearyou say every single day to
build those bonds.
And then I do have a course,the Transforming the Toddler
Years course.
They're where we work togetherto personalize your journey.
And then when we get tostrategies, they actually work
because we now know who you are,who your child is, and what the
value system of your household
Dr. Shay (36:57):
is.
Amazing.
And what's the website toaccess that course?
Cara Tyrrell (37:02):
It is caraterral.com backslash
transform.
Dr. Shay (37:07):
We'll also have that in your bio.
So today's conversationreminded us that how children
learn to navigate tension,power, and emotion starts long
before adulthood.
Parenting isn't just aboutteaching right and wrong.
It's about modeling how tolisten, how to speak up with
care, and how to stay connectedeven when things get hard.
When we teach conflict skillsearly, we're not just raising
(37:31):
children who know how to getalong.
We're raising future leaders,partners, and community builders
who can meet the world withresilience.
resilience, empathy, andcourage.
As always, thank you forjoining me today in the
Resolution Room.
I'm grateful you're here doingthis work alongside me.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to please
share.
Until next time, keep buildingon the quiet because that's what
(37:53):
will carry you forward.
intro/outro music (38:06):
Thank you.
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