14: Dicks, Donuts & Fruit Rollups

This week we discuss penis envy. What is it? Why do many women have it? Sit back, relax, and find out.

But first, we catch y’all up on what’s been happening in our lives. Spoiler!! Not a lot. Samara expresses her frustration with her dog, Jaxson, and gets on a soap box about not mowing down the natural wildflowers in her yard for the insects and pollinators. Then Nikki wants to skip her update because, well, frankly, she’s a little disappointed in men at the moment, but she elaborates a bit for ya curious cuties.

Moving on Nikki talks about two of her friends that she has met from Reddit. Her Georgia buddy is constantly lifting her up and encouraging her and is an amazing human who she is stoked to call a friend! Then she talks about her friend in Ireland who she is working to convince to come out here, visit and be on the podcast… for his Irish accent, obviously! Kidding! Kind of, he is funny, too! What can we say, we’re suckers for an accent up in this bish!

Penis envy… we go through a list of reasons why we have penis envy including running at full speed through a rabbit hole of what we would love to do if we were able to body swap, Freaky Friday style, with a man. Men, we both feel like the lot of you have been severely slacking in the fun department when it comes to your dicks. We’re talking donuts, load shot records, helicoptering, tattoos, fruit rollups and head, and even a little pain. We even move past penis envy and ponder what else we would do if we were able to body swap with men, as well as what their height and strength might be, whether we want them straight or gay, circumcised or not.

Game this week: New Phone, Who ‘Dis? We go back and forth quite a few times. It’s a Prompt - Response card game, so try to keep up!

Follow us on:

IG: sauceboxed

X: thesauceboxpod

Email: [e-mail]

Samara’s IG: sojourner_samurai

Nikki’s IG: queennikkinik

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Forever and ever. And I will never, ever ever ever
ever. Let you go.
That is recorded. I love that.

(00:35):
Motherfuckers, welcome back to the sauce Box.
Wow, feeling spicy as fuck up inhere, OK.
Feeling some kind of way? Or no, she's really pissed off
at her fucking dog right now, you guys.
My God, this motherfucker won't leave his hotspot alone.
She's literally got her phone sitting on her knee right now
with the camera on, stalking herdog just so that she could.

(00:57):
She yelled at him through the camera.
It's got a speaker that goes to the dog so he could hear her and
she was just spending like 10 minutes yelling at him, telling
him to stop licking and he just was, if he would have listened.
Men, truly. So now I just keep setting the
siren off on him. He makes him stop, whatever
works. Of course he's wearing a shoe

(01:18):
when I get home. Brownie's like dude, stop.
Mom keeps doing that siren thing.
What the fuck man, you know thatmakes me so stressed out and
anxious. This is why mom doesn't fucking
love you. That's kidding.
That would be Brownie's attitudethough.
She's a very confident girl witha lot of attitude.
I. Is she?
Confident she seems she is. You know when dogs pee and then

(01:43):
they like scrape up behind them,that's a sign that they are very
confident and they're trying to spread their scent even more.
And let me tell you. She gets into it OK, all right,
very confident. How have you guys been?
Are you like I mean, do you guyshave like a great Cinco de Mayo?
We are recording this on May 4th, so may the fourth be with

(02:06):
you and with you and with you and with all of you.
For all you Star Wars fans, of which I.
Fucking nerds am not. It's not for everybody.
Not everyone's got good taste. Wow, OK, I've seen the Star Wars
movies. I like them.
I'm not a fucking fanatic about them though.
Honestly, I prefer Star Trek, soI'm just flipping shit 'cause I

(02:28):
can. Oh, that's.
Crazy. I now I'm Trekkie.
Prefer Harry Potter, whichever man I'm not Yeah, I'm not a big
Star Wars fan. Which is funny because, you
know, Grandpa was like a massiveStar Wars fan.
Like he had all the all the movies and he would always get

(02:48):
so excited. Grandpa had all the movies.
It was true. Nama had all the Steven Seagal
movies. She was such a fan girl for
Steven Seagal. No, I mean like they had all all
the movies. No, I know they would just buy
DVDs over like 1000 movies. I swear some of them are
duplicates too 'cause they didn't even keep track of what

(03:09):
they had. Yeah, I that's how I got some of
my free DVDs is oh, we have a duplicate of this.
You like that? Yeah.
You want it? Uh huh.
OK, Here you go. I know.
I've never seen the Godfather, Grandpa, and I don't want to.
Well, it's yours now. Gee, thanks.
You can give it to me. I like the Godfather.
Over my dead body. My grandfather gave that to me

(03:32):
and he's dead. OK, OK, but you're not ever
going to enjoy it. You don't know.
You just. Said the tastes change over
years. OK OK, I mean it is weird you
don't like the Godfather considering how many like true
crime podcasts and shit you listen to.
I don't know if I like it or not.

(03:52):
I've never watched it. Let's watch it.
Don't come at me, it's really good.
Let's watch it. I'll find it somewhere.
Oh, OK, see she it means that much.
She doesn't even know if she hasit still.
I do, I just don't know where. It's either in the Ottoman or
it's in one of. The trash with her yearbooks, Oh
my. God fucking give you the

(04:14):
people's elbow, OK? All right, Rock.
It I thought that was like StoneCold that did that.
I don't fucking. Know it is, I think actually no,
John Cena is the you can't see. Me.
Oh, that's right. Does like hand wave in front of
his face? Maybe that was stone cold then
it. Was the people's elbow.

(04:35):
Yeah, I don't fucking know someone who watches that shit
weigh in or don't, because I actually don't care.
Yeah, or don't. It's OK.
We're we're fine either way, honestly.
Yeah. Oh, but it's either in my
Ottoman or it's in the shed, so.You know what made me think of I
just want to watch like UFC fights, but like when they were
good, you know, like. When there were less

(04:56):
regulations, well. Like Ronda Rousey era.
Like, I loved watching Ronda Rousey and like all the fighters
that were in around that time. I just, I don't know, it's it's
not as awesome anymore. No, you know, Dana sold out and
it's just what? You know how to do enjoy
watching rugby boy. I want to go to a rugby match, I

(05:21):
want to watch those. Things they do with those
shorts. Oh those dirty, dirty boys.
Not fucking hot. I don't know how anybody can
treat trunk thighs. Jesus Christ.
I know. Forest running about running
amok. Rugby is what football wishes it
was a. 100% hands down. Uh yeah, no rugby players, Jesus

(05:47):
Christ. You just look at their bodies
and they're dirty and bloody. Like fucking.
Goodman's Sport. God, yeah, it might be a man's
sport, but it's definitely a woman's fantasy man.
Border. Lodi, I don't even know if I'd
be able to contain myself if I went to a fucking rugby match.
I'd probably just. I'd need a fan.

(06:07):
Just keep fan of myself. Fucking.
I'd have to be a OverDrive. I'd have to have a real good
poker face if I ever went to a game with Gavin.
Poker face? Yeah.
So Gavin, she's going to sit over here with me, Kay.
Yeah, you don't want me to sit with you, right?

(06:28):
You don't want to hear the things that are going to come
out of my mouth. I'm going to be disrespectful,
downright disrespectful. Oh my God, for real.
Just be cat calling the whole time.
Have nothing to do with the sport what I would.

(06:49):
Do to be a pair of your shorts for one day.
Oh my God, Oh pick me up like that please.
Curly, you can toss me around. Oh God.
OK, what are we talking about today?
I know that got me a little hot.OK, what are we talking about
today? Oh, right, yes, you guys.

(07:10):
Speaking of rugby players. What?
Just in that they have Dicks. I was like, how's how's that a
segue? No comprende, no.
Our topic today is going to be penis envy.
I got that. Yes, I think a lot of women,

(07:31):
whether they want to admit it ornot, have penis envy.
I mean, just a little. Don't get it twisted though, it
does not by any means wish mean that we wish we were men.
No, we. Absolutely do not.
No, it's called a body swap for one day.
I want to freaky Friday it with a dude.
Yeah, maybe 2 days. It looks like it might be kind
of fun. Yeah, I might be exhausted by

(07:53):
the end of the two days. Give give them their body back
fucking wet and exhausted and useless.
Like what the fuck did you do? I'm like, I can't even get out
of bed. Oh my God.

(08:14):
Amazing. I know it would be pretty great.
Hey, so, OK, all right, we're not really going to get caught
up on anything because I think our lives have been, well, I
don't want to talk about mine. There's nothing, there's nothing
cool happening in my life at themoment.
It was just a lot of fucking wishful thinking.

(08:38):
I will say this before we dive into this, like my complaint,
'cause you know, everybody's like, oh, I hate dating, Ma.
I can't say that I hate dating because I haven't even been able
to fucking do it, bitches. I was like, you see, like
there's men on these dating appslike will say shit like, oh, I'm

(09:00):
looking for a long term relationship or long term open
to short or I'm still figuring it out.
And they write all this shit in their bio like they're actually
out there looking for the one orlike want to actually like, you
know, date somebody and see, youknow, where things go or
whatever. But the second you start talking
to, OK, maybe not the second, but 5 minutes in.
Some guys though, really like probably just give them like a

(09:22):
few minutes and then it's just like go straight to sex.
And don't get me wrong, guys like I, I like sex, you know, I
think a lot of people like sex and stuff, but I don't want to
just fuck. If I just wanted like a one
night stand and just wanted to fuck, then I could take somebody
home when I go out dancing. But when I go out dancing, I'm

(09:44):
not looking for anybody to take home.
I'm looking to have a good time and dance.
That's it. Anyways, you guys, I'm really.
Frustrated. Yeah.
There's some dumb people out there, man.
Yeah, they keep saying like whata catch I am and building me up,
but then they're like across thecountry or in another country.

(10:07):
And then the ones that are around here can't fucking follow
through to save their goddamn lives so.
They're the ones that need the people elbow.
For real. And then but then they won't
leave me alone. Like, what do you fucking want
from me? Like you do you want to date me?
Do you not want to date me? Like we haven't even, we haven't
even, we haven't anything. Like we've talked.
We've talked literally, yeah, talked and texted.

(10:29):
And like, you know, I'm also just not the woman who's going
to go chase a guy. I've done all the chasing.
I'm I'm over it. I know what I want.
And I want somebody who's going to fucking come after me.
Like, if you want me, fucking prove it.
Show me. I don't want no fucking games,
God damn it. You shouldn't have to fucking
chase anybody. If they want to be there,

(10:50):
they'll fucking be there. Well, I don't mean chasing that,
I mean pursue is what I mean when I say chase.
Well, those have very different definitions.
OK, no, when I say chase, I meanpursue.
OK. Yeah, because I've just been the
one that's like, you know, done the pursuing and stuff and I
just, I don't know, I've always been the giver in every
relationship and I'm kind of over it.

(11:13):
Like I want somebody to be the giver.
Like obviously I'm still going to give.
Like it's just who I am. It's like it's just it's not the
main. Role that you want to be in
anymore. No, I don't even know how to
explain it, you guys. It's like I just, I'm always the
one kind of going above and beyond, and I just want somebody
to fucking do that for me for once in my goddamn life.
Match the effort. Yeah, or even like exceed my

(11:35):
effort, God forbid. I don't know.
Is that even possible? I saw something today and it was
like, I'm not picky, I just knowwhat I want.
And I felt that deep in my soul I was like, that's right, I'm
not fucking picky. I just know what I want.
And it's not even asking that much, I don't think.
No, the bar is just set on the fucking ground.

(11:55):
I mean God, that's fucking pathetic.
That's so sad, isn't it? That for men, like, that's so
sad, that, like, just a basic level of decency is, like, so
hard to come by. Yeah, I don't know.
Don't get me. Started I'll I'll derail this
whole episode. Fucking crash that shit.

(12:19):
I was sad. So a friend of mine that I met
on Reddit, we just freaking vibesuper hard and I'm absolutely
going to meet this motherfucker.They're down in Georgia.
You know who you is. You know who you is.
Anyway, but I'm dancing over. Here.
Yeah, she is. She is.
Anyways, I was telling him aboutmy dating issues or whatever and

(12:41):
he was like, dude, some men are just fucking idiots.
And he was like, but you're likea solid ass woman.
He's like, because you could be,you know, have like a serious
like heart to heart, you know, conversation or just like be
super serious about something. But at the same time, you know,
you could switch it up and be real funny and goofy or you
know, you can get super sexy or whatever with however you're

(13:02):
talking and you're just super kind, you know, just laid back,
chill, whatever. You know, like, you know, you're
the catch, bruh. Like you're like the whole
package, which I was like, gosh,dude, I appreciate that.
And I feel like I hear that frompeople kind of a lot, but I
don't believe it because. Where are the people acting on
that? Yeah, if I'm like such a catch,
then why am I out here struggling to even get a fucking

(13:25):
date? You know what I mean?
But he also was like, you know, he's like you're you're fucking
catch and you're all these things, you know, whatever
flattered me and whatnot. And he's like, but unfortunately
that's just not what guys are looking for.
What the fuck are they looking for?
Then? That's what I want to know.
Like what are they? What are they looking for?
They like they want like a pettyshallow.

(13:45):
Bitch who doesn't give a fuck about them.
Like probably a woman that stayshome with all the kids and
always pregnant and does whatever they tell.
Wow we both went separate directions with that.
I told you don't get me fucking started on this.
I will derail this bitch. That is crazy.
Yeah, anyways, whatever, that's just like the shit that I'm
dealing with and like, just basic frustration with men.
Like God damn it, follow the fuck through.

(14:09):
Like like is there any men that are like men of the like a man
of their word anymore? Like do any men say anything
that they fucking mean at all? Where you at other than I want
to fuck you? And that's even questionable to
be real, you know, So I don't know.
I don't know man. Whatever.
Anyways, moving on. Fuck this.
They could. Just not be in this area.

(14:29):
I think you just need a. No, I'm telling you, I think
like the the dude that's out there for me is not even in this
country. I think he's in a different
country. Good chance.
I think he's in like Scotland orIreland.
I've been feeling that since I was like 16 or 17 and just like
even stronger. I think I just need to go to
Scotland and Ireland and hopefully just find my dude.
Blow this popsicle stand. Yeah, live happily ever after

(14:52):
and fuck each other's brains outtill we die, that just sounds
like. Sounds amazing, sounds perfect
so. Hopefully that's where they're
at, otherwise I'm going over there for nothing.
Just kidding. Wow.
Literally no other reason. No, I want to go over there for
the whiskey and for the beer andthe people and the accents and

(15:15):
the scenery and the people and the accents and the scenery
more. Accents.
Those are all the fucking accents.
I want to, I want to be so inundated with like Scottish and
Irish accents that I come back with a little bit of 1 and
everybody's like, what the fuck's wrong with you?

(15:35):
That would kill me in the best of ways.
Oh, I know. OK so one of my buddies lives in
Ireland and I have been trying to convince him to come out here
do it. Do it, do it, do it, do it.
Come be on the podcast. He was like, well, what would we
even talk about? I was like, it wouldn't fucking
matter. I said, Samara and I will sit

(15:56):
there in awe. We'll give you the microphone
and we'll just hand you a list of questions and you just you
read the questions and the answer.
Because we would just listen. We'd listen to you read a
receipt for real. OK, for real.
The ingredients off of a shampoomodel.
I don't care. Make sound with your mouth.
I know. I was like, are you fucking
kidding me right now? I was like, dude, American women

(16:18):
for an accent like that, especially like Irish or
Scottish. Are you kidding me?
We're so fucking easy. Wet noodles, bro.
Yeah, exactly. It was like, it wouldn't matter
what the fuck you talked about. Like it really it doesn't
matter. We just want to listen to you
talk. And then I was because we talk
over snap sometimes and I was like, send me a voice memo.
I want to hear your voice. And so we just like just a
random little thing, you know, it was like, oh, you know, so

(16:41):
I'm hungover and this cat just like randomly came into my
house. So I need to go figure out what
the fuck that's about. And, you know, just like just
randomly talking like that. And, and it was like, nothing
exciting, but that was it. That was like I played it five
times. Well, there you fucking have it.
It's. Like Oh my God, I like fucking

(17:01):
like I save his voice memos and snap just so I can re listen to
him. He doesn't say anything like
crazy or provocative. It's just basic shit.
Like you'd just be telling me about his work day and I'm like,
Oh my God, I. Fucking get over the the fangirl
part of it and then we'll start caring.
But it's going to take a while. Like weeks probably.
Probably. I mean, I don't know it just

(17:23):
anyway, so I feel like I'm getting close to getting him to
come out here. Come on.
I know it'll be great. It'll be great.
And I already know he's willing to be on the podcast because
when I was planning on going to Ireland this summer, he was
like, well, how are you going todo the podcast?
He's like, I was like, well, we'll do it remotely.
He's like, oh, he's like, you should let me be on the podcast.
I was like, oh, you absolutely will be on the podcast.

(17:45):
And if you're not down, I will find an Irishman who is.
Yeah, and then we'll both shame you.
That's right. That's right.
Yeah. So anyways, feel about that.
I cannot wait till we start getting like guests on here.
It'd be fun. It would be fun.
It would be fun also. I don't, I totally want to get a
guy on here. Maybe it can be Jake.
I don't know if I want it to be Jake or not, but maybe it can be

(18:05):
Jake. But I do want to talk about what
Jake and I talked about yesterday, which was like the
whole body count thing being an issue because I definitely want
to hear. I want to almost see if we can
find my views. Yeah, I want to find more point
of views and like it would be cool to have like 2 dudes, one
who cares about body count and one who doesn't and just kind of
hear their reasonings back and forth because.
Because for women, I feel like most women don't fucking care.

(18:27):
And part of that, well, whatever.
This I digress. There's like a whole episode we
can have on this. So, you know, whatever.
Moving on. OK, do you have anything you
want to add before we jump in? About a swinging bench for my
backyard and I love it. Did you guys mow your yard yet?
No, we just got twine and no, wewere really busy this weekend,

(18:48):
so I will have to try to find some time after work every day
to do a little get out there. Yeah, just do make make yourself
a grin. Just go on knockout it.
I really want to leave the dogs section of just really tall
grass. I really do.
Yeah, I might. That's kind of fun.
I already told Gavin he can't cut the all the little tiny

(19:10):
daisies. He has to avoid it.
You can trim the grass around it, shorten the grass that's
above the daisies, but you can'tget rid of them.
We get a couple butterflies I saw on the bench.
Yes, we saw a Caterpillar. I haven't seen a Caterpillar in
so fucking long. I love Caterpillar.
Me too and I'm so excited about.It like picking them up and

(19:33):
letting them like crawl on your arm and your hand and they're.
Like scrunchy, I love them so made me very very happy.
I, I insisted this year since weactually have a yard that we
aren't doing like any leaf cleanup or anything like that
until, well now May because there's a bunch of different
insects and things like that that use leaves and like grass

(19:58):
clippings or yard waste or whatever as cover until they're
done hibernating for the winter where it's warm enough.
And a lot of them are like. There's a lot of different bees
that use like mulch or fallen leas off of your trees as a safe
place to hibernate from weather conditions and everything.

(20:19):
And when you clean them up, you're just killing them and
they don't really stand a chance.
So I insisted we're leaving thatshit alone.
After it's like the first or second week in May, then we can
go and clean things up because things are going to be coming
out doing their fucking thing. And yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah. And that's why I insisted on
letting like the Clover bloom, little flowers and and

(20:43):
everything. I was like, no, we're we're
going to help out the little fucking critters.
So do you just need to get over whatever issues you're going to
have with it silently and silently by not doing anything
besides what I'm telling you to do with this?
So you should. Get over that now.

(21:03):
Like I don't even want to hear your your opinion.
I don't want to hear your point of view.
Just keep it all to yourself, it's not important.
Because it doesn't matter, nothing's going to change.
So he was very compliant with it.
Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, that's good.
I can see it's killing him slowly inside a little bit.
Hey, it's me though. So but the.
Other part of it is like, oh I also like the little critters

(21:26):
and they're important so I guessI can get over the Super tall
grass or the leaves in the front, whatever.
All you guys have is just tall grass, that's all I noticed.
Well, I got a fucking Meadow growing back there.
I know I've always wanted my ownMeadow.
You got one. I know, but no, we had the grass
in her backyard is tall enough. You guys have the dogs ran

(21:46):
through it and disappeared. Not completely, just mostly.
I don't know. I couldn't see Brownie at all.
She was peeing, she was squatting down.
OK, whatever. It's fucking tall and thick.
It is. This is the time of year that
you can cut your grass one weekend and it's the same height
as before the next weekend because of all the rain and then
all the sun. So.

(22:07):
But I also have a lot of mint. Thank you very much.
There's more than just there's more than just grass.
I have little flowers along the far fence.
You do. They're like a little with the
tall. Grass, they're kind because
there's like a little hill and then it dips down towards that

(22:30):
house that nobody lives in. Yeah, they're, well, the dogs
have also trampled them a lot because they run up and down
that fence. But they're the kind of like a a
bluebell kind of flower. They're not actual bluebells,
but they're very similar in the shape.
There's that and I got the little daisies and some really

(22:51):
itty bitty, teeny tiny little purple flowers.
I think those are coming from the clovers.
Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so there's other things,
you just have to actually look. OK, OK.
OK, OK, OK. Yeah, I fucking invite you about
this. God Violent.
Yeah, he's just now picking up on that.
We're talking about saving insects and.

(23:11):
Flowers and I'm a punch anybody who fights me about saving them
or not saving them we saved the insects OK a couple butterflies
back there I. Do love the butterflies?
I'm excited because it's starting to get to that point of
year where all the hummingbirds come out.
I know I love the. Happy birds.
I like it. Yeah.
Anyway, Sir, that's. I'll step down.

(23:34):
Step, step off your soapbox. Yeah, OK, cool.
Feeling ranty today. Yeah, I see that it's all
because of Jackson. High energy.
High energy. That too.
Yeah. All right, you guys, penis envy.
So, you know, guys, what is it? Women want it.
It's just, it's crazy. It's just.

(23:55):
OK, let me just start off like the obvious one that all women
can agree with. What's it feel like?
That was not what I was thinkingI was.
Thinking not all women. What is it like to be able to
stand up and fucking pee any goddamn where you want?
That is just so fucking jealous.Always squatting for us.

(24:18):
It's stupid. Right.
Like even if you have to, like, you know, you're on a long ass
road trip in the middle of nowhere and you just want to
pull over and take a piss because there's no rest stops,
there's nothing. You know, it's like a guy unzip
your pants, fucking whip your Dick out.
You're basically completely covered.
You just got your hands basically covering your fucking
cock while you're peeing. You just see the stream coming
out essentially completely private women.

(24:40):
No, no, no, that's out. We have to bear it all.
Squat down and then deal with pee splatter.
We have to make sure we spread our legs wide enough.
Don't squat down too low to avoid all splatter of the piss
when it hits the ground. And if you have to, peeing and
the peeing. Doesn't get to your shoe.
Right. Exactly.
Because, like, what? What way is that Pee River
running? You know, you're like, yeah.
You can't check your surroundings, you have to see

(25:01):
where that pee is going so you can avoid it.
Exactly a little weird. Squat dance.
Exactly. Just like squatting, straddling,
moving around while you're trying to do that.
And if you're real unlucky, there's shit poking you in the
ass, so that's cool. Or the back of the thigh, or
even in your vagina. So you're just like, oh, that
was too low. Better raise it up a little bit.

(25:23):
Hands on the knees, God. It's just like it's just
terrible. And if you have to pee really,
really bad, like you don't even have any control.
Like you can try to control likehow fast your pee comes out, but
man, if that shit comes out really fast, like it's you just
need to just accept that you're you're going to have you're
going to have pee somewhere on you that you don't want pee, you
know, on your shoes, your pant leg, your ankle.

(25:45):
I don't know, it's going to be somewhere.
It's just fucked. Guys are just.
It's bullshit, it really is. It's not fair.
And the Shiwi I guess is comparable as close as we're
going to get. But I've definitely on road
trips where I've been literally in the middle of nowhere, like
driving through Wyoming and likeresting my butt kind of on the

(26:08):
foot area door frame. Oh of a.
Car to the. Car and just using that to help
support me so I didn't have to fully squat down yeah.
That's so funny. It more or less works.
Yeah, the other thing though toowith that is say you're not in
the middle of nowhere and you'reon the fucking Interstate and

(26:29):
there's cars zooming past you, but there's no rest stop
anywhere and you have to fuckingpee.
You have to open up the passenger door and the rear
passenger door to create a little barrier there a.
Little. Cubicle, a little cubicle for
you to pee in which isn't even still going to fully like hide
you because the door doesn't go all the way to the fucking
ground. And if it's a truck, well then
you're fucked anyway so who cares?

(26:51):
Just you're going to bear it allso it is what it is.
Maybe hide behind the tire a little bit, I don't know.
It's just like you just have to accept that people oncoming
traffic is probably going to seeyour fucking pale butt and.
What was that? Gosh, yeah.
What's a an irresponsible thing you would do if you had a penis

(27:14):
for a day? An irresponsible I don't an
irresponsible thing do. You want to hear mine?
Like a fun like I can see. Yeah, it's.
Fun, but it's probably a little irresponsible.
Honestly, I would see how many Donuts I could fit on it.
That's fucking hilarious. That is wild.
That's OK. OK.
I like that. That's funny.
I was not expecting that. Yeah.

(27:35):
So you're gonna get hard first, right?
I assume, Yeah. I mean, well, I guess it
depends. Are you going to be a grower or
a shower? Because if you're just a shower,
then I guess you don't really need to be hard.
I. Don't know, I would just assume
hard. That's automatically where I
went. That's pretty great actually.
I want to do that. Yeah, see.
See. I just want to know what it
feels like to fucking Jack off. Yeah, that too.

(27:56):
Feel balls in your hand, like your balls.
What does that feel like? No, I don't care about the
balls. I just care about the Dick.
Like what does that feel like inyour hand?
And like what does it feel like to your Dick?
Honestly, like I'm just like, you know, the heads a lot more.
I just, Oh my God, I would just Jack off probably for like
hours. I'd fucking freaky Friday with
someone. They'd come back.
Their Dick is just raw. Yeah, their.

(28:18):
Dick could be fucking raw and I know.
So I've had this conversation with guys before where they're
like oh I've been edging for like 4 hours.
I'm like fucking cry. Do you not have a life?
4 hours like. 4 hours, what you know?
Or no, or it's like, not, no, not like that's it.
There was like one guy I was talking to and he was obviously
like the longest I've ever edgedfor was 3 days and I was like,
holy fuck. He was like, yeah, I was in a

(28:39):
lot of pain. I'm like, why did you do that?
I just wanted to see how big of a load I could shoot.
I was like, that's fair. I can't.
I probably. I can't say I wouldn't do it.
You know, I just. I don't know.
Honestly, I were science. I would probably edge for as
long as possible because I wouldabsolutely measure how far I
could shoot my load. Looking at everyone who did not

(29:01):
tell us how far. Yeah, look at all of you who
didn't even bother to try. How are you not fucking remotely
curious how far you can shoot your load?
Right. I feel like that'd be bragging
worthy, right? How is that not just like a
basic dude thing? Yeah, that's like the first on
my agenda. When I body swap, I'm going to
fucking Jack off and I'm going to see how far I can shoot a

(29:21):
load. I want to know.
I want to know it all. I do I God I really want to know
what it feels like though. Like I just want to know what
the sensations are and the Dick when you have like a hand around
it or if you're getting head. Actually I just don't even know
what sex feels like. I would do all of it.
I want to know what it feels to get a blowjob.
I want to know what it feels like to fucking get a hand job.

(29:42):
I want to know what it feels like to have sex.
I want to know what it feels like to titty fuck.
I want to know all of it. All of it.
Jake just messaged me that I outed him about his lady
preferences and he's like what else?
Oh. Yeah, I wouldn't answer him.
He was like, what else has she outed me about?
And I was like, I don't know, itwas like, and then a little bit

(30:05):
later, I think it was a few hours later, I was like, you
still never told me what else Samara outed me about.
And I was like, never said I wasgoing to either.
Crazy. Just just information that I'm
holding on to. So sweat it out there, buddy.
I'm keeping some secrets, don't you worry.
Yeah, I told I was like, well, actually, maybe I didn't tell
him. I might have said she told me

(30:25):
everything. Jesus Christ.
But how would I know? It's everything.
I don't fucking know Everything.You could say I told you
everything and I would believe you.
Yeah, I would fucking know. Don't worry, Jay.
Don't. Worry your Pretty Little
redhead, you know you're fine. It's OK, it'll.

(30:46):
Be OK, It'll be OK, buddy. I'm not judging you anyways,
Jake. So, I mean, we're friends now.
I still judge you occasionally, but you know it's out of love.
You judge me. Too so don't even don't even
don't even don't even OK, So what what's something that you
got like penis in before? What's something that a guy can

(31:06):
do with like a Dick that you wish that you could do other
than stack fucking Donuts on your hard cock, which I.
I don't know that one would. Be pretty hard.
I don't know man. I get a boyfriend.
We are getting real fucking close because I'm buying some
Donuts. I want to see how many Donuts
you can fit on your cock. If I can't do it, you're doing
it for me. Yeah.

(31:28):
And then it's like, OK, well, like, you know, Voodoo
Doughnuts, they're they've got some thick ass doughnuts.
Yeah. So like how many Voodoo
doughnuts compared to like? How many just.
Krispy Kreme doughnuts. You know, just the glazed Krispy
Kremes. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, smash them down. You'd probably get a lot.
The biggest Krispy Kreme doughnuts is that Bavarian

(31:53):
cream. OK, we're did.
Totally. No, I just went there in my head
and you said it. Perfect.
Perfect for us. Disgusting.
We are. We're fucking dirty.
Oh my God. No I I do want to know what it
feels like to have balls and honestly just I would hurt

(32:16):
myself so I could leave and go back into my female body with
knowledge of how much it hurts to get flicked in the balls.
Well, at least you said flicked in the balls and not kicked in
the balls or. I can't kick myself in the in
the balls. I am not that flexible.
You could have somebody do it for you, yeah.
They would have to be another woman because I ain't given no
man that kind of pleasure. Yeah, I don't think a dude would

(32:39):
do that though. I feel like they know the pain.
I don't know you think highly ofmen.
I typically do not. I don't know growing up with the
boys the they're fucking even when they would like fight like
all out hate each other, that was off limits.
Like I and even even like friends throughout high school
like the guys are like no dude, fucking nut shots are off
limits. Like that's just an unspoken.

(32:59):
Rule. I would do a flip just to now a
flick. Yeah.
Because then I could compare it to, you know, like menstrual
pain. Or you could compare it to
birth, I guess. Yeah, No, I don't think there's
anything a man goes through that's even remotely close to
the pain of giving birth. So, Well, I've never given
birth, so I can't talk about that.
But I would at least give myselfa flick in the nut, not a little

(33:22):
left hap like. A good solid flick.
Yeah, like a Copenhagen can flick, you know.
Right. Do you think you'd have to like
work up to her because you don'teven know the pain you?
Just don't know. I'd go in blind and dumb.
Blind and stupid man. Oh, this poor.
Guy, this poor guy who's like, they're gonna get their bodies
back. And it's like, what?

(33:42):
What happened? That's OK, because let's just,
let's just say here, we're doingthis body swap.
Your body swap. You already know that these
motherfuckers are fingering themselves and playing with
their titties. Like, yeah, careful, go to a
doctor, maybe afterwards, because you might have some
broken carrot left in there or something.

(34:07):
Nipples come back just raw. Raw.
Oh my God. Just bruises all over your
titties. Yeah, So like, what the fuck
were you doing? Everything right?
Everything, all of it. I wanted to know how all of it
felt. I wonder if guys wonder that,
Like, what does anal? What does anal like as a
straight dude? Like, what does it feel like?
Or what does sex feel like? For a woman, I feel like that's

(34:27):
a pretty common. Like I wonder.
Yeah, right. I think so.
Yeah, I mean, at least amongst the people I've known throughout
life. Also I just.
I want to know what it feels like to edge like that.
Like to just be able to just edge yourself.
Like just going about your day, just fucking stroking yourself.
Just always being fucking hard like it is.

(34:48):
What is that exhausting? It just.
Kind of sound exhausting, but maybe that's because it's so
much work for us. Maybe, you know, like I also
just want to know, like, how fast can I make myself come?
Like, how fast can I get myself hard?
Yeah. Like a piece of paper, like a
note tag in it writing down all these numbers.
Yeah. Like, I just want to know.
I'm like, this is just crazy. And I also.

(35:10):
I do, I do. I really want to like be super
turned on and have sex and then want like feel what it's like to
have to fight coming, you know, like to, to keep myself to come
to keep myself from coming too quick.
Like I want to know what that's like.
Like what is it? Naked Grandma.
Naked grandma. Naked naked grandma, Tires,

(35:30):
tires, tires. Like does that shit actually
work? I feel like does it not like
kill a hard on because you're having sex you want to go
completely soft? I feel like if you could
probably get it back pretty quick as you're having sex, it
was like balancing between the hot chick you're having sex with
and naked grandma. Yeah, you got to face it like

(35:52):
maybe it's a couple strokes and then naked grandma and then a
couple strokes and then naked grandma.
I don't fucking know. I don't either.
I think that feels sounds good, sounds right.
Yeah. I just, I'm curious.
I do. I want to know.
I want to know what that's like.For sure I want to know about
HEAD. Thank you.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, what that tongue do?
What that tongue do? Yeah.
What does it feel like? What?

(36:13):
Somebody deep throats you? Yeah, right.
I want to know what all of that feels like.
I'm so fucking curious. Yeah.
And it must be great because guys talk about how much they
want it. So bad I would definitely get a
hard on that wouldn't actually matter if I was hard or not.
But I'd stand there naked and hit my foot.
My what are my? What's my mouth doing?

(36:33):
Well, I have no. Idea There's too much going on.
Too many things are trying to come out at once.
But like, standing there and moving my hips back and forth
and make my, oh, do a helicopter.
Well, not even that. Just literally back and forth
and make my Dick slap each thigh.
Like, that's so funny. Yeah.
I want to, like, just sit there and make it helicopter.

(36:56):
I've heard that it can hurt yourballs.
I don't know. Play guitar.
Find out what. I'm just going to like, strum it
like guitar. Oh, I thought you might use the
no, no guitar, my Dick. Like a guitar.
The boys used to do it all the time because they would like,
we're all younger, you know, like they'd run around naked
because there's stupid little boys.
But yeah, I always thought it was so funny because they'd run

(37:17):
around naked out of the bath andthey'd just like, come out in
the living room laughing and just fucking strumming their
Dick like a guitar. That's what it means.
Boys will be boys. They'll do dumb things like
that. You know this.
Is funny to me. Yeah.
Anyways, so basically all thingssexual is what we're curious
about. You've got a little bit of pain

(37:38):
and wondering how many Donuts you can stick on your Dick.
Yeah. Just a hungry masochist, I
guess. I guess.
So. I want to know what a cock ring
feels like. Oh, I didn't even think about
anything like that. Or like you see like it would.
Take them to go get their Dick pierced.
So when they come back, is that a Prince Albert?

(38:02):
Even worse, she was like, let's do a Jacob's Ladder.
Oh jeez, they're like, they comeback in their body just
screaming bloody murder. Get a little tattoo on it.
I'm just saying Nikki was here. OK, you went with that.
And then I pictured like a little pig.

(38:24):
Banana. Banana.
Just a banana. I fucking know man.
Just tattoo the head of their Dick.
Oh, it seems like it would be painful.
Oh, all black. Oh my God, that's brutal.
No, I was thinking like a littlelike a snake, A little flowery
trim on the edge of his head. Little crown of daisies.

(38:54):
Go ahead and try getting that laser doll.
Can explain that to every woman ever in the future.
Why do you have a crown of daisies tattoos on the head of
your cock? Don't want to talk about?
It long story, let's just move past it.
I'm coming up with like some other thing.
It's not a crown of daisies. I love that.

(39:19):
I'm trying to think of what you can't even pretend like the
crown of daisies could even be. We'll see.
It represents. It's a circle.
Of life, the birds and the flowers.
I'm just really in touch with myfeminine side.
OK, We. See, my mom's favorite flower

(39:41):
wasn't. Amazing.
So fucked up you got your mom's favorite flower.
She's always with me. Oh my God, it hurts.

(40:05):
You're welcome. So fucked up, she says.
It's the sense of humor where I really flourish.
Just I'm just picturing you go down on a guy, right?
You see this crown of flowers? You're like, what it, what is
this? It was like, oh, well, daisy's
from my mom's favorite flower. And then in your head, you're

(40:25):
like, this dude has his mom's favorite flowers tattooed on the
head. His Dick.
How close? Were you guys like clothes or
like clothes? Right.
Because I might start feeling nauseous here and I might have
to leave. Oh, oh, my God, That's a bad

(40:48):
story. Don't use that story when you
get your body back. No, don't. 10 out of 10, don't
recommend. Yeah.
I would say you're just trying to be, you know, more in touch
with your feminine side and trying to really get control of
that toxic masculinity, you know, real feminist.
Yeah. Let all those bitches have a
nice view going down on me. That's right.
I just wanted it to look really pretty for you and every other

(41:11):
woman who puts it in their mouth.
Yeah, you know. Slap you in the face with my
Daisy covered Dick. Oh wow.
Maybe we can't let anybody know that we're body swapping with
them because if they've heard this they'd be like, we do not
volunteer as tribute. You get you tattoo my Dick.

(41:33):
I'm doing shit to you, you see. Exactly.
So like so if we body swap they can't know.
Yeah, I wouldn't do that. That'd be so fucked.
Get him a Mike Tyson tattoo. No, I honestly, I'd be so
absorbed with playing with my Dick and balls that I'd, I'd,
I'd leave the house to maybe go buy Donuts, but I might have

(41:54):
them delivered. OK?
Don't worry about getting a fucking tattoo.
If anything, it's going to be a temporary tattoo that I got in
the mail. That's something.
Oh my God. There's no concerns.
No concerns, don't worry about it.
I on the other hand, I hope thatwhoever I body swap with though
is like really strong and tall. Like I just want to know what

(42:15):
it's like to be really strong and tall and I.
Want to know what it's like to be tall?
I'm 52, bitch. It's a whole different world up
there. Well, especially for you, yeah.
Can you imagine if you were likein a six foot two man, I'd get
Vertigo. Almost and start sweating I
just. Want to know?
I'm just like, man, what is it like to just like, you know,

(42:37):
something that's like heavy or hard to move and you just go do
it kind of effortlessly. And then just like, yeah, like
should I be looking at myself inthe mirror too?
Me too. I would be looking at myself,
playing with myself. I'd just be completely obsessed
with myself. My God, would I be an obnoxious.
Like I probably would be misogynistic, not misogynistic,
but like self absorbed dude be like 100% obsessed.
Yeah, I would fucking play with my nipples.

(42:59):
I'd fucking touch my abs. I'd fucking be.
I'd probably. My balls they got, you know, it
does kind of fucks the the men'sfun button is in their butt.
You know I'm. Go fishing, it gets splunking.
Only time in my life. Can you imagine, after you,

(43:27):
like, switch back to your bodies, you guys like, hey, so
what'd you do? Like, we should probably just
move past that. Actually, let's not talk about
what we did. We probably shouldn't, you know?
Yeah. Mutual respect.
Yeah. If you're a little sore, I do
apologize. I try to be gentle mostly.
Mostly you're like oh shit they grab their Dick.

(43:49):
It's fucking raw. Look down at just red and sad
looking. This has been abused.
Begging for mercy. Are you not pleased?
He's I'm tired. Please master, no more.

(44:10):
No that so that totally does reminds me though.
So I was asking, I'm like, why do you guys edge for so long?
Like what is it they're like? Because we only get one real
good orgasm. The longer, the longer you edge,
the more intense it is. But they're also saying like,
you know, yeah, you can just make yourself cum multiple
times, like, you know, but you keep doing that like your Dick's

(44:31):
just going to get raw after a while and then it just hurts.
So it's just easier to to edge for a long time, I guess.
And then does it still get? Raw if it's in a condom.
I don't know. I don't know.
Oh, that's another one. What does sex feel like with a
condom? Yeah.
Is there really a big difference?
You know, that's really how big is the difference?

(44:54):
Would you want to know what it'slike to have a circumcised and
an uncircumcised penis? Yes.
Oh my God. If I got to choose, I want an
uncircumcised one. Yeah.
Yeah. I wonder what the foreskin and
all that feels like. Yep, absolutely.
I feel like it's just a little bit more pleasure.
Yeah. Well, I mean, there's more
sensitivity for the man. Yeah, they're in, they say.

(45:14):
I don't. I just thought about that.
I want to know. Would you, if you got to choose,
would you choose uncircumcised or circumcised to to body swap
with probably uncircumcised. Yeah, same, same, 100%.
I mean, obviously I want to knowwhat both feel like, but if I
only got to choose one that would be uncircumcised.
Yeah. And I'll take care of it, don't
worry. I will make sure it's cleaned
properly. You know, I'm not going to leave

(45:36):
you in some poor hygiene state. Ideally I would like if it was
just a full 24 hours. I'd want 12 hours with each.
Wow. So you want a body swap twice?
OK. If it's a 24 hour period, would.
You want a body swap with a straight man or a gay man I'm.
Inclined to say a gay man because maybe it would help also

(45:59):
my fashion sense, maybe I would.I would learn more and take that
back with me. He's going to his closet.
You're like, I don't even know why I'm looking in here.
I don't plan on getting dressed today anyways.
We're staying home, baby. Look at your hand.
Look at your other hand. Look at your Dick.
You're like, we're all about to have a good time.

(46:21):
Exactly. Now, where's the.
I don't know what it made the different oil.
I mean, outside of, like, havingsomeone else there with you.
Well, the only reason I asked isbecause I guess it really
wouldn't make a difference actually, because if you did
want to try anal, you could do that with straight or not.
Yeah, that's what they got toys for.
Yeah. I'm trying to think of anything
else. Yeah, definitely want to check

(46:42):
out which you put your Would youtry putting your penis in a jar
of mayonnaise? What?
No. Lightly warmed up.
No, But I might American Pie it.Yeah, I would totally American
Pie it. And I would absolutely put it in
like a Bavarian cream doughnut. Doctor, the doughnuts kind.
Of want a doughnut? Fuck some food.
My mouth is watering a little bit.

(47:04):
Is it because we're talking about Dick or doughnuts?
Yes, yes, same. Same.
Oh. The whole fruit roll up thing
around the Dick and given head. What I don't know, I don't even
know where sounds delicious. Yeah, right.
I think it was like a maybe likea TikTok thing where people
obviously weren't showing it butlike talking about.

(47:28):
Like taking a fruit roll up and wrapping it around the Dick and
then giving them head or what? Yeah.
And so like, you get kind of a treat and it's all fruity and
everything and wow, I don't knowif it really does anything for
the man. I don't know, but who cares?
That's the Spirit. They're getting their Dick in
the mouth. Like I think they'll be fine.

(47:48):
I can. I deserve a treat down here, OK?
Thank you, I'm doing all the fucking.
Work. Oh my God, with that stain in
your mouth. What stain?
Yeah, because the fruit rollups,they're like red and blue.
OK. Oh, like the actual candy fruit?
See, I'm thinking like, yeah, OK, yeah.
'Cause you're like saliva and everything.
Like would you come up looking like you just blew a fucking

(48:09):
Smurf? Oh, I hope so.
Would their? Dick be absolutely blue.
Oh my God, I never thought of ohthis.
What was the one that had like the little tattoos?
Oh my God. Oh, this is getting fun 100% Oh,
I'm just getting ideas for when I have a boyfriend so if any of
you are considering dating me, just know this is happening.
You got to have a point. Very adventurous personality

(48:30):
'cause we gonna play, we are gonna play.
Oh my God, I want to do this awesome roll up and hopefully I
look like I blew a Smurf and your Dick looks like it belongs
to a Smurf, so put little tattoos on it.
Yeah Oh my God, I want to do that so bad.
That sounds so fun. That does sound fun.
I just yeah, I need somebody that's that playful.

(48:50):
Mm hmm. Absolutely.
Like 100% great dream right there.
Sign me up. Is there a certain kind like is
would? Never mind.
No, tell me. I want to know.
No, because I don't. Know how to say it?
Yeah, well, thinking about it, Idon't think it would even
matter. Like the whole straight man, gay

(49:13):
man thing. I think it I think the point
would be mute. So moot, moot.
Moot, moot, MOOT. OK.
But I want to say so somebody onReddit had said, what's 1 of the
interesting things that a man can do that women can't?
And he goes, I'm able to make a water vortex in the toilet bowl

(49:37):
when I pee. It's that powerful.
I'm like, wow, that's. A strong stream.
That's amazing. I, I want to do that.
You know something else that I want to do?
I want to like, like, pee and I want to like, put like a beer
bottle like a few feet away fromme and I want to see if I can
get most of my piss in the beer bottle, you know what I mean?

(49:59):
Like one of those carnival games.
Yeah, yeah. I want to see if I can get all
my pee to go in the in the beer bottle a few feet away.
You know it would be great. I want to see if I could like
how heavy of an object I could hold up with my penis.
Oh, like, there's like this guy back in the day, like if you
ever seen like, Ripley's BelieveIt or Not, I want to do that,

(50:21):
like take like a rod or whateverand we'll just kind of stretch
out his Dick like he's rolling dough and like, roll it up flat
and then roll it up around that rod.
What? Yeah, I'm like, I don't even
have a penis, and that looks painful as fuck.
Or like another guy I saw in Ripley's and he was like, he had

(50:43):
cinder blocks, like tied to his Dick, and then he would, like,
squat down. They were tied to his Dick.
And then he would stand up and pick them up with his Dick.
OK now. Yeah, OK.
I'm just saying that that's whatthat invoked right there.
Guys saw. I've seen some crazy shit, but
that's some war flashbacks. Yep.
Yep. OK.
Well, now, now I'm gonna take itback.

(51:05):
Yeah. I was thinking like, TV remote
TV. Oh, that's funny.
You're going super lightweight. Yeah, I'll tattoo a penis, but I
am picking up cinder blocks. No shit.
I know. No, it's terrible.
Look, somebody else had the samething.
What can a guy do that a girl can't?

(51:25):
The helicopter, One dude said. I can't do the helicopter, but I
could do the light switch. I'm assuming that's just up and
down. Oh, like the flex?
Maybe work on your kegels. Go up and down, up and down.
Oh my gosh. So he goes.
I remember at my school there were targets in the urinals.

(51:51):
I feel like that's that's. Fair adolescents are negligent.
Fuck, grown men can barely fucking so he said I can make
drum beats from my penis. I went.
I need more boxing instead of beatboxing meat boxing.
I need more information on what exactly that means.

(52:11):
I need more information, I love it.
But I saw this video where this woman had taken a black light to
the her bathroom, like where herbecause her husband stands up to
be most men do not everyone. And it just showed all of his
pee splatter all around the toilet.
And I was like, you know, honestly, I would prefer if if

(52:34):
men sat down to pee because it'sfucking icky.
It's gross. And you want me to clean it?
That's your piss. You fucking clean it.
Thank you. Also, learn to put the fucking
seat down. Monkey feet.
Foot jobs. I just want to try it all, truly

(52:56):
I do. I just I want to know what it
all feels. Like I can't really blame men
for weird stuff anymore right now that I'm like, I'm like,
curious. Me too.
I also want to know. Me too.
I know. Just like just have somebody
just just wrap their like, just so you guys know, I just put my

(53:17):
feet together like I was about to give somebody a foot job.
And Samara stuck her hand in between the arches and went back
and forth like she was fucking my feet.
So that was special demonstration.
It was a demonstration, Yes. Yeah.
It's so funny. Oh, my God.
OK, So clearly, you guys, we have a lot of penis envy.
There is a lot that we would love to explore and I think that

(53:37):
we should. Curiosity.
Yeah, I mean, we all know what guys are curious about.
Guys talk about what they would do.
Like, do you not play with your tits all the time?
How are you not fingering yourself constantly like?
Just walking around with a hand down your pants.
Just. Fingering myself like what?
I bet a guy would want to know what it's like to squirt though.
Oh definitely. Can you make yourself squirt?

(54:00):
Like can you get the right angleon that?
I don't know, I don't know cuz. I know I well, I've tried, I've
never tried, but I don't. I can with a toy I don't.
Know I mean, but just just fingers.
No, I mean acoustic. Acoustic, not electric.
Yeah, I got you. I got you.
It took me a second. I was like, wait, what?

(54:22):
Yeah. No, I I don't think you.
I think it's just, it's too. I think it's a bad angle.
It's a bad angle. Yeah.
Kind of like how a dude can't suck his own own Dick.
A woman can't make herself squirt.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know, maybe
maybe there's a woman that can. OK, yeah.
I mean, I only tried it like once and I was like, yeah, fuck
this. I don't care that much.
How I want to OK, this is raising a whole lot of

(54:42):
questions. Like we're we talked about
squirting in a previous episode.Where exactly is that gland?
So it's at the top, it's at the top of the vagina, just behind
the pelvic bone and it's. My wrist doesn't turn like that.
No, that's why that's why it would be difficult because I

(55:03):
mean, dude, that's that's a pretty crazy angle, right?
Your body, just your arm isn't long.
Like you'd have to be like sitting up, I feel like.
And even still, that might be. That doesn't seem like the right
angle to. Yeah, well, and then you got to
have like that faster movement and stuff too.
I just, I don't know. I don't think I have.
I don't want to do it anyways because I have nails so I feel

(55:23):
like I would be hurting myself in there and I don't want to do
that. No, I don't I.
Already don't like it when dudesfinger me and their fingernails
are too long and I can feel it scrape.
I'm like, no, no, I had. Someone like Nick me with their
nail. Mm.
Hmm. That's fucking terrible.
Yeah. No, be gentle to my pussy.
Yeah. She's precious.
We both love her, right? Thank you.

(55:46):
Yeah, I don't think I have the the the ability for the angle or
the conditioning or the stamina that I would require.
Men just really have it. I bet they use the same hand
that they Jack on with, right? Like they use that same hand.
They're like, Oh yeah, no, I've been doing that.

(56:06):
I've been working for this my whole life.
I've. Been training all life, all
life. It drained my life.
It drained my whole life for this moment.
Got a massive forearm muscles all just so I can fucking really
get in there and make women squirt.
I really do want to see how far I can shoot a load, truly, I
really do. I don't know how that's not more

(56:29):
of a a thing. Me either I don't understand I.
Don't. Know yeah, OK all right man,
you're. Dropping the ball.
For real. And if you guys, you should be
dropping the load, measuring as far away from you as possible
across the room. Matter of fact.
Exactly. I want somebody to beat that 8

(56:50):
feet. Show me how far you can shoot.
Dale's so crazy. That is wild.
Blows my mind. That was wild.
One guy did respond and he was like I don't know.
I think if I edge for a really long time I could probably maybe
make like 5 feet like have you tried it?
Find out bro, come on, we all want answers.
Yes. Do it for the women.

(57:11):
We're curious. Yeah.
And even if other women aren't, these two are.
That's enough, right? Isn't that enough?
Yeah. Three's company.
Don't we matter enough? You're fucking going to do it
anyways. We had this discussion already.
You guys, you guys, you men, allof you listening.
I know because I've talked to lots of you throughout my entire
life. Not just like you listening, but

(57:32):
just men in general. You guys Jack off multiple times
a day. Why don't you spice it up for
yourself and do something fun and creative for?
US. Yeah, don't be so selfish with
your jacking off. What do it for science?
Do it for science? Yeah, it's totally for science.

(57:53):
The people want to know. It's important, Yeah.
Survey says do it. Measure it.
Measure. Yes.
All right. You want to play a game?
What are we playing today? We're playing new photo.

(58:13):
It is. I'm so fucking excited.
Me too, it only took me like 3 weeks to finally buy the game.
Oh my. God, sorry, I'm so excited.
So look, there's inbox cards andthen reply cards, you know, like
it's a full text message. And I noticed when I was

(58:33):
unwrapping each card deck that there was some sort of message
written on the bottom inside of the box.
OK, so under the inbox it says SOS.
I actually texted one of these cards to my girlfriend as a
joke, but she took it seriously.OK.
And I had and I had to flee the country and hide in the machine

(58:54):
that printed this game. If you're reading this, please
send help. I was like, that's fun.
I really like that. It was funny.
That's the time, OK. So you would be giving birth
today if I nutted in you on our first date?
Heart emoji. Happy nine months, babe.

(59:16):
Oh my God, it started out with the shit.
How did it end up like this? It was only a shit.
It was only a shit. Seems appropriate It does.

(59:37):
You still think I'm ugly or did the antidepressants finally kick
in? Be honest, are you on your 48th
White Claw right now? Fucking love it.
It's so great, OK. Are you still shitting?
Open up. OK man M2 that are actually

(01:00:07):
pretty great for this. This is what it means to be in
love in 2024. That that has long term
relationship. We're in all over it.
Right. Exactly.
Hey, it's Mark from Equinox. You left your phone outside the

(01:00:27):
sauna so I texted myself from it.
Would love to grab a cinnamon roll with you soon.
Happy sweating. Can you stop texting me?
I'm masturbating and you keep fucking up my momentum.
Fucking love it, I really love that.

(01:00:47):
Oh, I like that a lot. It's good.
Do you think God and Mother Nature ever scissor?
I've been waiting all day for this text.
This feels like a conversation I'd have with Jake.

(01:01:13):
Should I be a fucking asshole and just wreak havoc at Home
Depot? Just been mode you 5000.
Is that enough? OK.
Hey Curly, what's the T Mama? Well, it sounds like my friend
from Georgia. Hannah.
You know, I'm in painting poor from 6 to 8, same as every other

(01:01:36):
Friday. Can I send you a video?
It's 11 1/2 minutes long, but it's so worth it.
It's a long fucking video. Yeah.
This is what happens when you drop out of Community College.
Chickpea feast soon. Chickpea feast soon what?

(01:01:58):
Does that even mean? It just sounds like you're going
to make hummus. Well, thank you.
That's what I thought too. I've been single for four hours.
Relax. That does sound like some single
girl shit. It does right in the deli.
Is your dream dad. I'm going to be an influencer.

(01:02:21):
My brother in Christ, it's 3:45 AM.
Oh, I love it. Hey, I'm at Chuck E Cheese right
now. Everyone says they know you.
Please sign for our divorce and stop texting me shit like this.

(01:02:42):
That's so fucking great. That was perfect.
Please don't be mad, but I came at the dentist's office again.
Do you know the name of a new one?
Not within a 10 mile radius of N6th and Broadway?

(01:03:05):
Rolling eyes emoji. Well, if it isn't my dipshit
little brother, I see you're drinking again.
Perfect. Love it.
God, honestly, that'd be mortifying.
For real, you're that excited atthe dentist's office, right?

(01:03:26):
Did you like, fall asleep and have a wet dream?
Again again, again. Sup cunt.
The derogatory way, not the bodypart.
Oh, I struggled with that a little bit, but I like.
The I like the clarity on it now.

(01:03:50):
It's not a good time. My granddaughter just got her
first period. 2 old ladies. I just got fucking beat.
Oh my God, I fucking love it. Hey man, I had fun with you last

(01:04:13):
night. You mind venmoing me the for the
beers? I'd rather staple my tits
together, she says. Oh, it's such a brutal response.

(01:04:33):
Wow. Now that's a way to say go fuck
yourself. Hi King, our 10 year class
reunion is around the corner. Will you be attending?
Are you seriously texting me this from your boyfriend's
funeral? That's so fucked Oh my God.
Hi, this is Crystal with Northstar Energy.

(01:04:56):
Wanted to confirm you're still free today to come in for an
interview. I know the breakup has been hard
but. We need boundaries.
Oh my gosh. Well, you just signed the
divorce papers. Fucking love it.
Good stuff. I I'm a big fan.
No, I love it. This was really fun.

(01:05:18):
This would be just another really fun game with a group of
people. Yeah, for sure.
I do appreciate the fact that you can play with just two
people. Mm hmm, not me.
Two player games. I know there really aren't.
Well, that was fun. All right.
Did you guys have a good time? We had a good time.
This is great. My stomach hurts.
We laughed a lot this episode. Yeah, I have a slight headache.

(01:05:41):
My ABS are really sore, but I also did a bunch of AB workouts
so they're especially sore. And then the laughing.
Just really, you know, sealed hand.
It compounded. That compounded it compounded
that pain, right? There in my belly.
Don't mommy. I'm just going to go on the
back, play with my Willy, be back in no time.

(01:06:07):
All right, I ran a lot at the gym because we have that fucking
obstacle 5K that we're going to be doing and Oh my God, my face
was red. I'm really excited.
I'm yeah, I think it's going to be really fun.
I'm super excited. For that kind of, that's so
dirty. I love the mud runs and I'm

(01:06:27):
really excited. We have like a fun group of
people doing it with us this year.
So yeah, it's. Going to be good.
Times. It's going to be good times.
Oh, and I was able to change ourname because when I was going
through doing all the registering and stuff, I don't
know if I told you, but our, ourname, our team name is Big Dirt
Energy. I saw that.
Yeah. So I was like, well, I like
that. It fits better in with like,

(01:06:48):
because remember, like we had like some other name that was
stupid that we thought was kind of cool.
And then we read everybody else's name.
So we're like, dude, our name's dumb.
Yeah. I was like, oh, yeah.
Big Dirt Energy. I love it.
I like it. Yeah.
That's good. Well, that's it for this
episode, folks. I hope you enjoyed it and hope
you liked that game. If not, well, too bad.

(01:07:10):
We love that we're gonna. Play again.
I had a fun time so. I did, too.
It was really good. Yeah.
I'm so happy we have it. I get wheat.
All right. I'm good.
I'm good. Yeah.
No, super good. I'm totally not going to leave
this episode and think about allthe things I want to do with a
penis if I had one. Right, I know what I'm doing

(01:07:31):
next weekend. I know what I want to do with a
penis and I don't have one. There's so many things, yeah.
Penis dream board, you know, yes, really make your dreams
come true. I need to do that.
I'm going to start manifesting. I'm going to make myself a
vision board and it's just goingto be like everything that I
want and it's going to be Donutson there.
Fruit roll ups, Yep, Dicks, Donuts, fruit roll ups.

(01:07:54):
I love it. This is going to be fun yes.
I am going to do this, actually,and then I'm going to post a
picture of it at some point downthe road when I finish my vision
board and all of you can help memake my dreams come true.
Yeah, you know, bitches supporting bitches, Yeah.
Oh, you know something else I just thought about that would be
really fun if you could like body swap and have a Dick for a

(01:08:17):
day. I just want to be able to
present my Dick in a box to somebody.
Yes, Oh my God, I would do little googly eyes on it, right?
I know. Just like I was just like, Dick
in a box, baby. Oh my gosh.
Dick in a box, right? I know.
Yep, you guys just don't have enough fun.
You really don't. You're really sleeping on your

(01:08:38):
Dicks. You really are cod.
Don't leave a sleeping Dick lie.You just said like the little
googly eyes and all I thought about was like nipple covers
that were the googly eyes, just like.
Googly your titties. And the eyes just moving around
everywhere. The conversation that we had
over Thanksgiving last year whenwe were talking about like if

(01:09:01):
nipples had teeth and Piper was like, I'd give, I'd give them
lipstick and like decorate them and everything.
I was like, This is why I fucking love you, Piper.
Yes, that's just what that's what made me think of it.
It was just a, you know, the snowball just grew rolling
downhill. Could you imagine how fun would
that be though? Like, OK, so you're dating this

(01:09:23):
guy. OK, You guys are hitting it off.
They got a pretty good sense of humor.
You got a good sense. You guys are vibing right?
And you're like, OK. I'm really suspicious on where
this is. Going, we're gonna you know,
you're like, OK, we're definitely having sex.
So you're, you prepare, right? So the whole date night,
whatever you've like prepared earlier.
So you get back to your place orhis place, wherever you go.
And you guys are like all hot and heavy.

(01:09:44):
And then he takes off your shirtand he takes off your bra.
You have just like big googly eyes, one on each, one on each
titty. Not even the little ones like
the big ones. The big ones.
Just covering, just covering your nipple.
You just got 2 googly eyes, justone on each nipple.

(01:10:04):
He just takes off your bras, your straddling.
You can hear him clinking around.
You drive me crazy. Spin them around, listen to the
eyes bounce inside. Do you think that?
Would be a mood killer or do youthink that would just make
everything like make them just fall in love right away?

(01:10:25):
If you chose well, they. 'D fall in love, they'd.
Fall in love. Exactly.
How could you fucking not? That would be incredible.
Oh my God, get over here. RIP those googly googly eyes off
with my teeth. That's right.
I'd love it. I would be just as happy.
I would be fucking stoked if I was about to have sex with a guy
and then he just pulls out his Dick like I'm undoing his pants

(01:10:46):
or whatever. And if I could pull his Dick out
and he's got just like one eye on his head.
He's a fire. Of you like stop or or he just
got like 2 eyes at the base of his Dick.
It's an elephant. Oh man.

(01:11:08):
You know, take that into the theweekend and I hope you guys
enjoyed this. I hope your girlfriends are as
fun as us. Yeah, go put some googly eyes on
yourself. Spice things up.
You know, let's just loosen up. Let's get back in touch with
like, the silly goofy kid and all of us.
Yeah, because when you lose touch with that kid is when you

(01:11:30):
become a boring old fuck. And you start yelling at kids to
get off your lawn. No, no, no.
It's always like an old man who comes out, I can't speak
anything, like, coherently. It just comes out arms raised
like he's fucking haunted. Damn kids.

(01:11:51):
They just, like, chase you with their cane.
Anyways, don't be that guy. Put googly eyes on your Dick,
OK? Or your titties.
Or your titties. You're both, you know, both.
Whatever. Just yeah, put it on your ass
cheeks. I don't give a fuck.
Put it on, put them on, put themon.
Well, that being said, thanks for joining us again.

(01:12:11):
You can find us on Spotify and Pod Chaser iHeartRadio.
Pandora, Amazon Music, fuck Apple, you guys, I've given up
on Apple, OK, I've really put itand given it like the old
college try like for three fucking months.
I'm over it. So if you, I'm sorry if.
Change platforms, it's not goingto kill you.

(01:12:32):
Exactly, just fucking download Spotify or Amazon or Pandora.
It literally. IHeartRadio is free and you can
find us there. Yes, come on, because I don't
want to hear that excuse anymore.
I've put in like a super hard effort with Apple and fuck them
because their websites don't work, their shit doesn't work.
I have really truly tried and I'm over it.
I've given it three months so. Three months and you?

(01:12:54):
Out. Yeah.
And honestly, we're good enough,so feel free to download a
different platform just to listen to us.
We are worth it. Or just go to iHeartRadio they
have a web browser. Download their app.
If you don't want to download anything and use the you want
everything served to you cateredbitch.
Use a web browser. You can listen to us there, it's
fine. That's right, whatever.

(01:13:15):
You know where to listen to us. We love you.
Love us back. Don't forget to rate US.
You can find us on Instagram at Sauceboxed.
You can find us on X Twitter at the Sauce Box Pod. e-mail us the
[e-mail]. Our IG's are LinkedIn, our show
notes, and check out the link tree.

(01:13:36):
You can find all of this shit right, right there.
That's right. Yeah.
We do have links to other past episodes and information and
stuff like that too. So yeah, definitely check out
our link tree. Yeah.
Come look at our shit. Yeah, Come look at our shit.
It's great shit. Yeah, yeah.
No. All right.
It's time to go. Bye.
Love you guys. Bye.