17: Not So Criminal Minds

Episode Transcript
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(00:19):
A royal decree of salutations from inside the sea of forgotten
chores. From this royal self appointed
monarch of procrastination, you are hereby formally invited to
maroon yourselves away from responsibilities, if only for
the duration of this illustriousmeeting.
What the fuck? Welcome to the soft spots.

(00:51):
You're welcome. Oh my God, that.
Was really It was very Bridgerton.
Yes, dude. Oh my God, that was hilarious,
sister. And I told you it was going to
be over the top. She just tells me before she
heads over to record. She goes, hey, so just so you

(01:12):
know, I have an over the top introduction.
I'm like OK, She's like, so be prepared.
I'm like OK. Your your response was.
Oh God, OK like oh shit if she says it's over the top.
It is gonna be gone. That's fucking hilarious.
That was very good. You wrote that you came up with

(01:33):
that yourself or what? Some of it, yeah, I had some
help from the Internet, but yeah, yeah.
I love that I. Freaking steined it together.
That was pretty good. I like it.
How are you? Yeah, How are you?
How's everyone? Oh my God.
OK, so just so you guys know, like right now I am like

(01:55):
battling some kind of sickness. I don't even know what it is,
but like, it won't fully manifest itself for some reason,
which is whatever. But also I feel like I'm just
like in this halfway point of like being sick but not being
sick. Like my body's like, maybe, no,
no, maybe we'll let it win. Actually, no, fuck that.
No, actually, maybe just so backand forth.
So anyways, I don't even know what it is.

(02:17):
It feels like it could be the start of the cold, but it's also
been going on for five days and I haven't actually had like a
cold. I don't know, it's weird.
Anyways, that's why I sound funny.
I'm fighting for my life againstthe grass pollen this weekend.
This is the best that I've sounded.
My nose was just enough not congested for my nasal spray to

(02:38):
work but last night. Was passed all that snot.
Yeah, I tried yesterday and it nothing.
There was nowhere for it to go. There was a we went to the
market yesterday and I was dying.
Oh my God, my there was something weird going with my

(02:59):
voice. And it's that, you know, when
someone's talking and it sounds like they just need to swallow
or like clear their throat. I was having a lot of that.
Like you had a frog in your throat or?
Something, but I would clear it,I would drink water.
It it didn't, it didn't matter. And I had different shit like
that happen all day long. I bet you were fun to listen to.

(03:20):
Oh. Gavin made fun of me
relentlessly. I'm sure, I'm sure.
Well, not relentlessly, but I would say something.
He'd mock you. Yeah, you'd see his face, him
trying not to smile or like laugh at me and like, oh, shut
up. Both laugh at me.
But. That's funny, yesterday was a

(03:40):
really nice day for the Saturdaymarket too.
Mm hmm. It was.
We wanted to sit outside and everything and I was like, it's
such a nice day. I'm going to.
But the entire day I'm just. Fucking allergies.
Yeah. I didn't go outside at all
yesterday. I was feeling not super awesome,
but I was just so fucked. That's the thing with this,

(04:02):
whatever it is that I have like,I am so fucking tired.
Like no energy. So I haven't worked out for two
weeks because the week before was Piper's birthday week and so
I was just too fucking busy withthat.
And then this whole week, I've just been tired, but not tired
enough. Like, you know, when you get
sick and you're just like, Oh myGod, you just sleep all the

(04:23):
time? No, no, no, not that tired.
Not that tired, just tired enough to not actually be able
to do anything. Yeah.
So now I'm just like you. Know around your house and.
Shit, yeah. So like, I did get, like, some
cleaning and stuff done, but Saturday I was just like, dude,
I kicked my ass. I just basically sat on the
couch and watched random movies.But I did discover, like this

(04:46):
music artist, that I really likeJeremy Zucker.
That name sounds familiar. Yeah, well, this song, I was
watching The Hating Game, which was adorable anyways, but at the
end of the movie, or close towards the end of the movie,
this song comes on by Jeremy Zucker and then this other

(05:08):
chick, but it was called. Oh, I do know one of their
songs. OK, it's.
Called This is How You Fall in Love.
And I was just like, oh, it's sobeautiful.
It was so good. I actually listened to it on
repeat all night last night. That's what I went to sleep to
and woke up to. Well, that's lovely.
Yeah. I really liked it.
It was a good vibe, which is weird for me because normally I
can't sleep if there's words in music.

(05:28):
Yeah. But I think because it was the
same song on repeat, my mind wasable to kind of like.
Yeah, it's a kind of a more mellow.
Kind of song. Very, very.
Mellow yeah, yeah I well, in my adult life, I can't fall asleep
unless I am utterly exhausted tolike TV being on or anything
because the different light, thedifferent volumes and

(05:50):
everything, it just wakes me up.But there's a, a podcast that I
found that tells different kindsof stories and I can listen to
to that guy because his voice isvery mellow.
And it's just, it's a nice, not a monotone, but it's just mellow
And it, there's no spikes or anything.
And it has a nice cadence. Like he reads different listener

(06:13):
stories and it's just, it's, it's nice and it's relaxing.
Like I can listen to that. And he usually has, well,
sometimes he'll have some like nice ambiance sounds in the back
or ambient sounds. So I can do that.
But that sounds like music. No, no, no.
No, this lady that I listened tofor a little while, she has a

(06:34):
podcast and it was like, she's like a professional hypnotist,
but like the legit one, she's like, no, you guys, this is
real. Hypnosis does not just make you
go do shit that you don't want to do or that you want to do.
Zombie, yeah. But anyway, so she has like a
hypnosis podcast, but every oncein a while she'll like tell
stories. Like she'll read a story.

(06:55):
And I love what she would read the stories.
I'm like, I remember listening to her read a particular story
for two weeks straight just because I was trying to get
through the whole story before Ifell asleep because I was like,
ow, out. I'm like, oh shit.
And like, you know, just like really just put you out because
you do like these breathing and relaxation exercises before she

(07:16):
even gets there. So you're like in a super deep
state of relaxation and then shestarts to read.
So you're basically just a goner, you know, it's fucking
hard. But I love when people, I love
to listen to people read and tell stories and stuff.
Yeah, I, I was, I'm always looking for a new podcast
because of how much driving I do.

(07:37):
I listen to podcasts cause music.
I can kind of get in like this trance like state when I'm
driving. Especially long distances.
Yeah, so the one I was talking about is called sleep magic.
It's guided sleep hypnosis. That one's really cool, but one
for driving, which I think I told you about this one.
I don't know if you ever actually wound up listening to

(07:58):
it, but I happen to come across this podcast and I fucking love
it because I like stories. So I'm like, if I'm listening to
somebody tell me this story, I'dfucking love it.
So there's two Actually, there'sone that's called Ad Looseum and
then another one called rabbits and I think a.
Positive. I I listen to the ad Lucum.
I'm pretty sure it's pretty short.
Yeah, that one was that was pretty cool.

(08:20):
Yeah, I do remember that one. And I've been meaning to listen
to the rabbits one because I remember you telling me about.
It and so fucking nice. They're both so that sounds.
Really. Awesome.
Oh yeah, I would. Those are what I would listen to
when I was going back and forth between Washington and Oregon.
Yeah, but Dude Story podcasts like that are so good.

(08:42):
I I love them. Right, I know they're really
good. I I really need to find more of
them. You know, if we sniffle or
cough, we'll do our best to makesure we cut as much of it out as
possible. But you know, does this bear
with just the time of the year Where they might just not be
possible? You know people.
Are out here fighting for their life against the fucking plant.

(09:04):
Cum in the goddamn air. So so fucking weird.
Tell me I'm wrong. Oh my gosh, I mean I don't.
I'm not struggling from allergies.
Snap cough. Excuse me jeez.
I'm not struggling from allergies, I'm struggling from

(09:25):
whatever this fucking sickness is that has now like moved
because it wasn't my sinuses andthen my throat and now it's like
down in my chest. So I'm hoping it'll go away
soon. God I feel like my voice sounds
so fucking low. You have, you have a little bit
of a rasp, Yeah. So you kind of got that, Just
woke up Rasp. Yeah, not rasp like the.

(09:46):
Almost like a gravelly kind of voice.
Yeah, like the feminine version of that, the Pebble voice.
It's not. Gravely.
It's pebbly. Get it together.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
So anyways, we're just struggling with that.
Just struggling. I've been keeping up with my
friend Jason. He said I could say his name.

(10:08):
So stop, Jason. Stop, girl.
Wow. Hey, girl.
Hey. He says to say hi to you, by the
way. I see.
So, yeah, there you go. Anyway, so I've just been, you
know, staying in touch with him,talking with him and stuff.
And dude, it's fucking wild. Like, as he pointed out, we

(10:29):
haven't seen each other in like over 25 years.
That's wild. Yeah, I think it was 97 was the
last time that we saw each other.
So whatever the math is on that you guys?
I mean, if you guys both live to100, that's a quarter of your
life you guys have. Lost contact.
Yeah. And so it's wild to think that

(10:51):
now we just been talking and picking up like, like never just
skipped a beat or just catching up with each other.
And when we talk on the phone, dude, we talk for hours.
Ah, besties hours. Like last night we were on the
phone for 3 1/2 fucking hours. Damn.
Yeah, I know. And then today, an hour and a
half the day before that, like 21/2 hour.

(11:12):
Like, we just talk Like it just.And it doesn't even, it just
flies by. It's just wild because you're
like, Oh yeah, how long we been on the phone?
You look like, holy fuck, dude, we've been on the phone for
three hours. Like what?
No way. I love those kind of
conversations where it's just. It just, you're talking about
everything naturally and nothing.
Yeah, but you don't feel like you're not in a rush.
Like it just feels natural. Yeah, man, you guys are going to

(11:34):
have such a fucking blast. Oh my God.
I know. We're like, we're fucking being
little grumpy bitches about it though, because we reconnected a
week ago and it's been the longest fucking week of our
lives. Just waiting.
Just waiting. We still have 5 more weeks to
go. It's like, fuck, Oh my God, he's

(11:55):
like, yeah, fuck May and fuck June.
He's like July is where it's at.First week specifically.
But yeah, so it's just been really awesome.
I'm really fucking excited to see him.
I, I officially booked my tickets, so that's going to be
very awesome. And I asked him today.
I was like, 'cause I was lookingat tickets, 'cause I was

(12:16):
originally going to try to fly into the airport near his town,
which is a little bit smaller, kind of like what we have.
But it was just, it was kind of a lot.
And he was like, hey, I don't mind getting you from Atlanta.
Like that's a bigger airport. It's not far.
And I'm like, OK, cool. So I looked at tickets flying
out of here into Atlanta and I was like, holy fuck, dude.

(12:38):
They're like half the price. So I was, oh shit.
So I was looking at all of them.Figured out my flights and
stuff. And when I get in and leave,
those times are fucking better too.
And so I was like. I was like, hey, so Are you sure
you're cold picking me up Atlanta?
I was like, because I could actually get in at like 2:45 in
the afternoon instead of 10/30 at night.

(12:59):
And then when I leave, instead of leaving at 2:00 in the
afternoon, I, my flight would leave 6:15 at night.
So like, we would get as much time as possible.
Yeah. And he was like, dude, I would
pick your ass up in fucking Mexico.
Jesus Christ. I just want you here.
Just do it, for fuck's sake. I was like.
OK, OK, OK, OK. Jeez, I just like, I just tried

(13:22):
to be considerate, OK. But yeah, I was like, aw,
thanks. Appreciate it, Jason.
Yeah. So I'm very, very excited to see
him. And Ty needs to hurry the fuck
on and let's go. I mean, there's a lot of cool
stuff happening between now and then.
Like, a lot. Because my youngest is
graduating high school in days. Like, yeah, in days, basically.

(13:44):
And then we have her graduation party and we have the burlesque
show and we have the mud run. Like we.
Have a water happening? In June, we have our cousins.
Baby also graduating the week after Sydney, which I don't
know. Final show, yeah.
There's so much happening in June, holy shit.

(14:07):
Yeah, I'm going to be tapped outfrom doing anything.
Right. No, I know every weekend is
pretty much got something going on because the first weekend is
for graduation then and the burlesque show, Then the second
weekend is Johnny's graduation and Sydney's final dance show.
And then the weekend after that is Sydney's graduation party.
And then the weekend after that is the mud run.

(14:28):
Yeah, and in between, sometime in there, Gavin's going up to go
see his family for a thing with his sister, and then it's his
dad's or their dad's birthday, so he'll be gone for some part
of it, too. Yeah, it's a lot, June.
There's always a lot of shit happening in June.
We haven't had like speaking forGavin and I, we haven't had such

(14:51):
a busy month in a long time, quite a while.
So it's just like, Oh my God, it's just go, go, go, go, go.
I feel like it'll mellow out, though, after June because, I
mean, June's notoriously just a busy time of year for people.
Yeah. You know, whether it's birthdays
or graduations or weddings or what, there's just a lot

(15:13):
happening. So I think, yeah, it's going to
be kind of crazy. But I I'm looking forward to it
because I'm hoping that's also going to help it fly by really
fast. The thing is, my flight, OK?
This was a sacrifice I made so that I could get there sooner.
Oh no. So I'm flying out the day after
the mud run, but my flight leaves at 5:30 in the morning.

(15:35):
I know, but it's from here. I mean, at least there's.
That, but I still don't have to drive to Portland.
So I was like, OK, I'm going to be so tired from the mud run,
but I'm going to come home pack.Maybe I'll take a nap, but not
late. I'm going to do it earlier in
the day and then I'm just going to pull an all nighter.
So I'll just take an Uber to theairport and just be chilling
there until I can go. Yeah, So it'll be cool not.

(15:57):
Bad. Are you someone that can take
naps on a plane or? I don't know.
I've never tried. I've never been tired on a
plane. I usually am just like staring
out the window and taking pictures or whatever because
even if I am tired, once I'm on the plane I'm not.
I think maybe once I've tried tosleep and I think I did fall
asleep but. Oh, I'm just not tired.

(16:18):
I'm always if I can't get a window seat, I'm always in some
weird position trying to get a couple of minutes of sleep.
Oh really? Yeah, because I anytime that
I've the most that I've flown isfriend from Oklahoma up to
Washington, obscure hours just so like the landing time for
someone to pick me up is reasonable because there's still

(16:39):
drive time, you know, a couple of hours.
So I'd always try to get earlierflights that landed earlier.
And so I'd always be tired. Yeah, be it sleeping like just
oh dude, I'm going to be absolutely fucking exhausted.
You're going to be so fine by the time I land.
Are you kidding me? I'm going to be so fucking

(16:59):
pumped up it won't matter that Ihadn't slept.
In no, if anything, it's going to be 1820 hours because you're
going to be just. Goofy as fuck.
Yeah, goofy with exhaustion, which is sometimes the best.
Thank you. I.
Agree. I agree.
I know we were talking. That was like at one point, I
think it was last night we were talking.

(17:21):
I was up until 12:30 for me, which would have been 3:30 for
him in the morning. I was like, you know, I was
like, you do realize, like, whenI'm there, like, we're just
going to be up just bullshitting, like, constantly.
Like, you'd be like, oh, yeah, we should go to bed.
But then I'm gonna start talkingand then you're gonna talk and
then we're just gonna be talking.
It's just gonna be a fucking sleepover, basically.

(17:42):
Yeah, it's. Yeah.
It's gonna be fun. I'm two grown people going back
in time, having sleepovers with their best friends.
Just. I'm very excited.
Yeah. You've got a big fucking.
Smile on your face right now. Yeah, I'm very, very.
Jason, I hope you're ready, I heard him be said.
Oh, I. Am Yeah, He's beyond ready.
Also, Speaking of which, I was like, did you know the movie of

(18:04):
that? Did you know the name of that
movie? The the Good Morning Vietnam one
or whatever? He was like, fuck yes, I did
like yelling at you guys. I was like, I knew I could feel
it. I could feel all the men that
were like listening. Yeah, I could feel them all.
That's why I had to say stop yelling.
OK. But also, he fucking loves our
games. He's really good at minding the
gutter. Oh yeah.
Yeah, he was like, it's a fucking tornado.

(18:25):
It's a fucking tornado. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
Yeah, fucking tornado. But also, thank you.
We we said, OK, anybody who lives in Tornado Alley is going
to probably pick up on this, right?
Like we're in the Pacific. Northwest, OK, The two people
that spoke up screaming into their whatever they're listening
on was screaming. Tornado Jake.

(18:46):
Tornado Alley. Jason, Tornado Alley.
Sons of pitches, right? It doesn't count.
The guys don't count, OK. No, he's like, I saw that game
when I went to David Buster's. I was like, they have mind in
the Gutter as a game that you can win at Dave and Buster's.
Isn't that like a kid in family place because he was there with

(19:08):
his kids? Oh, right, Right.
Yeah. So I was like, OK.
He's like, the only reason I know what that game is because
you and Samara play it. He's like when I won that game,
it is so fun and I'm really goodat it.
Yeah. Fucking talking about games.
Gavin and I went and played minigolf yesterday.
Fun. I was dying at the entire
fucking time. Did you guys go to one of the

(19:30):
outdoor or indoor courses? The outdoor, the one that's over
on the river, yeah, we did both sides I.
Like that course? It's a fun little course I won.
The first nine holes and then onthe back 9 is when he won.
There were a couple of them where it took us like five shots
to get it the ball in and we're just like, you know what, we're

(19:51):
just going to call that three for both.
Of us. I, I knocked my ball off the
course three times. I got it stuck in a fake log
because it, it only rolled partially through and then
rolled back and got stuck. So Gavin had to reach in through
one of the holes and like, grab it out.

(20:13):
And then he got his ball stuck somewhere.
It was, yeah, I lost one of minein some water.
He lost his way once in water. So when you guys sign up for the
pro. League.
I was like, I'm so fucking good at this.
Oh my God. But it was, it's a lot of fun.

(20:34):
It's such a simple little thing.And he's he's always happy
whenever I do something related to golf, even if it's just mini
golf. I was like, dude, I will go mini
golfing with you any day. Real golf, have fun with someone
else. Yeah.
Real golf, actually, depending on who you go with, can actually
be fun. I just don't like going with

(20:55):
people who are competitive because I suck.
And so I don't want. It's not fun.
It's not fun. I want to play with other people
who also suck. Yeah.
And then we can drink while we're, like, driving our little
golf cart around, and we can allsuck together and laugh at each
other and have fun. And that I would do.
Yeah, that sounds good. I would do that.
See, and I'll go to the driving range with them too.

(21:15):
Yeah, that's that's fun. I know I suck at that also, but
I I'll do it. Yeah.
I just, I don't think I have thepatience for a full 18 holes of
actual golf. I'm like, I don't.
Like I don't want to keep score.No.
I mean, if I get a like if I getlike a Part 2 or something like
that, obviously I'm going to be,which is called something.
Was that a bogey? I don't know, let's not even.

(21:37):
But anyways, like if I didn't even go really.
Good. Then yeah, I'm like excited
about it. But for the most part, I'm not
keeping track. I'm like, I don't know, I was
halfway through my beer when I finally got the ball in.
Is that is that good? How many?
How many strokes? Is it half a beer?
How does that equate? Oh look, I got it in the hole

(21:58):
before I finished my beer. That's what I'm about.
That's the kind of golf I want to play.
Let's go do that together. Oh my God, playing golf.
But the rule is every time you don't get it in like each
stroke, you have to take a big drink of your yeah, just turn it
into a fucking drinking game. Oh God, people falling out of

(22:19):
golf carts crash. I'm getting stuck in sand traps.
That sounds like a blast. It does actually a good way to
get banned from a golf course too.
We should go to fiddlers. We should go to fiddlers.
That's super low key. We could do it there.
That'll be fun. Yeah, cool.
So dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. We are going to be talking about

(22:39):
super, super stupid criminals, you guys.
We're just talking about the fucking cream of the crop.
Fucking idiots. Yeah, the creamed crop.
Dumb and Dumber over here. Good grief.
We went through and found, I mean, there's just an abundance
of, Oh yeah, moronic people. I found 7.

(22:59):
Some are definitely better than others, but they're all fucking
dumb. They're all dumb.
I have like 11 of them, but honestly they're all just some
of them are like like you said, better than others, but they're
all just stupid. You're like what?
I read Wanda Piper and she was like, I, I don't even know what
to say. Like I'm just embarrassed.

(23:21):
Oh, secondhand embarrassed kid. That's bad.
Like, like, what? Oh, I can't wait to get into
these. Oh my gosh.
And then I I only have one picture for all of my stories
but. Funny, so do.
I Oh, nice. OK, It's a good picture, let me
tell you. OK, mine's not a very good
picture. Maybe I'll find some.
I thought about actually taking the mug shots of each of these

(23:42):
criminals and and posting those on there too.
So make like a collage. I'm not going to go back and try
and find. I don't want to do that.
Yeah, no, no. But hey also you guys, I know
everybody loves a good dumb criminal story so if you have
any so over we would love to hear them, yes.
We would love to hear 1000% man.Well since you have more stories

(24:05):
than I do, do you want to start and would you just do an
exchanging of dumb ass criminals?
I love it. I love it.
Hopefully, hopefully we don't have any duplicates because we
didn't actually confer about this before.
We never do. We really don't.
We get it all the time. The sauce box, we wing it.

(24:27):
Yeah, it was some sauce within wings.
All right, this is a recent one.March of this year, the 25 year
old woman by the name of Aletha Sumter, while she was working at
a burger joint, a fast food burger joint, working the drive

(24:47):
through window. Client came through, paid for
some shit. She was like you know what they
paid with the credit card? I have this information.
Fantastic. She took the client's credit
card information and then the next day she used that
customer's credit card information to pay her over
$400.00 in court fines. I feel like that's everybody's

(25:09):
fear. Like she took his credit card
information and paid her court fines with a stolen credit card
information. You're just like, you're a
fucking moron. I'm going to clear out my
outstanding criminal fines by committing another crime.
Exactly. And she went viral on the

(25:30):
Internet apparently, and the Internet dubbed her like the
dumbest criminal. I don't know if she's the
dumbest, but that is pretty fucking stupid.
Incredibly. And that you're not you're
you're literally handing in habitats.
Yeah, you're turning yourself in.
Essentially. It's just a delayed sentencing.

(25:51):
She's so. Stupid.
My God. Oh my gosh.
And then the police were like, gave her the opportunity to,
like, turn herself in and said she fled the state.
And then she called into the local Police Department where
she had fled. It's like I'd like a second
chance at turning myself in without any punishment.

(26:11):
I don't what I don't know. Are you allowed to do that?
Yeah, so she just was like, I'd like a do over.
You know, I made him my bad. You know, no biggie.
Oh, my God. Good Lord.
All right, Well, I've got a Malachi love, Robinson and a

(26:36):
Doctor love. OK.
Oh God. OK, he claimed he had several
degrees, including a PhD and an MD in his patients.
After all of this came out, his patients told investigators that
they didn't realize that he was only 18 at the time.
He was accused of stealing $35,000 from an elderly patient

(27:00):
back in 2015, and authorities said that he was illegally
operating a medical practice complete with an office, a lab
coat and even a stethoscope. And then later, he was also
charged with Grand Theft. He insisted that he didn't pose
as a medical doctor. No, no, no.
He was a naturopathic physician.Still a fucking doctor, dumb

(27:24):
ass. Still a fucking, you know,
doctor. No, no, no.
Semantics. Semantics.
It's different. What an idiot I know.
But also kind of impressive for 18.
Yeah. I couldn't find anything of
like, what if he was like tryingto prescribe people anything or
anything like that. But I was like, that's yeah, it

(27:48):
was really the the lab coat and the stethoscope.
Yeah, he's like, oh, this is it.This is this is everything I
need. Yeah, that's all I need.
Good God. Also.
But he had a like, an office, like where patients came.
How how did you manage that? And also, did you have like, a
receptionist or was it just a room in your house?

(28:10):
Like you just cleaned shit up tomake it look like a waiting
room. Oh, my God, That's pretty
elaborate for an 18 year old. I'm kind of impressed.
Yeah, well, it wasn't good enough, I guess.
OK. July 2023 a would be robber
found out that crime is not as easy as he thought.
So there was a video released bythe Atlanta Police Department

(28:34):
and it shows this guy. He goes into a nail salon with
his hand in a bag and he starts shouting at everybody.
He's like everybody get down, get down, give me all your
money. Well, all the customers in the
nail salon looked unimpressed. They all just like stared at
him, barely moved or even changed their expressions and
continued on with what they weredoing.
I believe that one customer eventually stands up and raises

(28:57):
her hands when he had confrontedher directly, but instead of the
handing over any money as she's got her hands up, she just
slowly backs out of the nail salon and then turns and leaves.
Nope, not today. I ain't got time for this.
Eventually, eventually, the robber realizes he's not getting

(29:19):
anywhere with his crowd free in the room, which apparently
extends a little bit, so he stops.
He takes a minute. You know, he's like looking out
everybody. He's like, what?
What is happening here? OK, fine, this, this clearly
isn't working. Fucking throws his hands in the
air, leaves the nail salon, throws his hands in the air.

(29:41):
Just exacerbated. Like walks out the door.
He like looked around everybody.He's like what the fuck?
Fine, fuck you guys, I don't want to rob you anyway.
Oh my gosh. The only thing that he did wind
up stealing was apparently the one lady who stood up.
He had taken her phone. Are you kidding?
But then she got her phone back.What the fuck?

(30:04):
You're such an idiot. Oh Lord, I know, I know.
It's really him throwing his ownhands up that really gets me,
right? Yeah.
He's just exacerbated. Just like, what the fuck?
You guys, This is stupid. I'm being serious.
I'm serious right now. Give me your fucking money.
Do it let. Me Rob you so unfair.

(30:27):
You guys are not America. This is my.
Dream. OK.
Oh my God. All right, so this one isn't a
dumbass criminal. It's not.
I don't think it's even really acrime.
Maybe it was, I don't know. But in Tampa, FL, a musician

(30:50):
going by the name Prince Midnight Sweet turned his sounds
like a gay vampire. Walks around and trench goat and
shit, flipping his hair with a shiny belt.

(31:14):
Oh my God, Oh my God. OK yeah, sorry.
OK, so. Prince Midnight turned his
dearly departed Uncle Phillip, his skeleton into an electric
guitar by using the remains of aFender Telecaster, and he called
the creation the Skelecaster. He said that there were some

(31:37):
awkward moments with his mom. He said at first she said it was
sacrilegious in the work of the devil.
You know how moms are. And it goes on.
He goes on to say. But I asked her Uncle Philip was
the biggest metal head of anybody.
Where would he rather be? In the ground or shredding?
She said Shredding. And so he tried to use his

(32:03):
uncle's skull, but I guess it was too broken for him to use
it. I knew this was the picture you
had. Absolutely.
I'm showing Nikki a picture of it you guys can find in our
Instagram post and on X, but it's it's legit.
Oh my God. Like a rib cage pelvis, like
yeah, it's all there. Yeah, and it it's usable.

(32:26):
You you can fucking play it. I believe he's got a a video on
YouTube of him playing his unclePhillip him.
Playing his uncle Phillip. Playing his skellocaster it's
it's pretty legit. I just I love how his mom went

(32:46):
from It's sacrilegious. It's the work of the devil.
You're right uncle. My brother would rather be
shredding. It's medal as fuck.
I love it. Yeah, there's Cheese Louise.
This takes place in March. I'm not sure what year in March,
but on a sunny day in March, this 17 year old boy in Omaha,

(33:09):
NE decided that he was going to stick a gun in the face of a
woman who was taking her son to school, demanding that he or
that she give him her car. She's like, yeah, OK, cool, take
the car, buddy. Take the car.
Her and her son get out of the car.
The kid gets into the car. Well unfortunately her car was a

(33:29):
manual. This motherfucker didn't know
how to drive it. He was like messing around with
all the controls, moved it like 4 feet, got out and started
running. Oh my God, I love that so much.
Oh that's so good, 'cause I tookGav and I talk about it all the

(33:52):
time on had anti theft manuals now are their own anti theft
system because people don't knowhow to fucking drive them
anymore. That's incredible.
I love it. Yeah, I was like, it was a real
story. 'Cause you know he's sitting in
there and he's like, why the fuck is there a third pedal on
the ground? How do I do this?

(34:15):
Which ones drive? She's probably standing there.
I can just see her standing on the sidewalk holding her sons
hand watching him with like a look like you're such a fucking
idiot. Looking down at her son.
Don't worry, you'll learn how todrive one.
He gets out and runs. She's just like, all right, go
ahead and get back in the car, sweetheart, let's go.
Don't worry, you won't be markedtardy.

(34:36):
I'll talk to the principal. Oh my gosh, so fucking.
He was caught by the police though.
Just have. How old was he?
Did it 17170 stay in school? And and maybe learn how to drive
a stick. Oh man, I think I was around 15
or 16 when I was taught how to drive a stick.

(34:58):
I think it's the first time. First time I got to drive a
stick and I don't even know if you could really call it driving
a stick because I sat on dad's lap and steered while he shifted
and then other times I would shift while he steered into the
pedals because I couldn't reach everything.
We'll call it. Learning.
But I was definitely learning. But I was 12 when I very first
like drove a stick and it was just in a field.

(35:19):
But yeah. Oh lucky you at 12 being able to
reach the gas pedal and clutch. I mean, I was being able to
blinky awkward thing of a girl for sure.
You see pictures of me when I was 12 years old, and I'm just
like, all limbs, Just like all limbs.
Just like tripping over myself. Like, I couldn't even manage my
own limbs. Like I had all the scars on my

(35:40):
shins and knees or from me tripping yourself, Basically.
Yeah. Operate this thing.
Yeah. That's why Mom would always
sarcastically call me Grace. Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
I was absolutely not graceful. I love that.
Yeah. I love that for you.
Thanks. All right, we have a man in
Pasco County that drove to a Dunkin' Donuts through the drive

(36:05):
through. When he got there, he showed the
employee his badge, which read Morris County on it and then
asked for a discount on his Donuts.
You know, because we do that forpolice officers.
Oh, he was a police officer. We'll get there, OK.
What got him caught was when he went back a second time to get

(36:25):
discount doughnuts, he was he showed an employee his gun to
prove that he was a cop. Well, he wasn't and he's just
brandishing this firearm in a drive through being like, no, I
got a I'm a cop. Look at my gun.
This means I'm I'm a cop. Give me my discount doughnuts.

(36:48):
Well, the employee that day was obviously freaked out because
actual law enforcement don't do that.
Yeah, I'd be like, I got my gun right here.
Yeah, so does half of America. But so the employee, freaked out
by this, just gives him the discount doughnuts because
again, it is America. And it's also just doughnuts,

(37:10):
like let's just. Let's not risk anything, just
take the fucking doughnuts and get out of my God damn drive
through. Yeah OK.
I work at Dunkin. I don't have the mental capacity
for this. Move along.
So they went and told their manager, and the manager called
the cops, reported the the man'slicense plate from the security
footage, and he was later arrested.

(37:31):
Yeah, impersonating an officer. They don't take lightly to that.
They're they're not fans. Only using it for Donuts.
Not OK there, but he. You know, if anything that
probably worked against him. Yeah, right.
You're. Impersonating and you're
insulting us. How dare you.
What kind of Donuts did you get exactly?
Exactly. OK.
So obviously, if you're going topull off a crime, planning big

(37:54):
part of that, right? If you want to be successful,
pretty essential. Well, Derrick Mosley did not
place a lot of importance on planning things.
He decided to go into a gun store with a baseball bat and
rob them. Well, OK, yeah, not even a
knife. Nope.

(38:15):
Baseball bat. So he went in here with a
baseball bat, said give me your money, the manager.
Hold it like a gun, I hope. So I hope he held it like a
shotgun. Oh my God, That would just make
it so much better. Seeing as it was a gun shop.

(38:38):
The manager pulled a gun on him.Oh, go through here.
Yeah. And said go ahead and just have
AC right over here. Well, until the cops come.
And don't move, you fucking idiot.
Yeah. And so basically he just was
forced to stay there in the gun shop with his baseball bat, with
the manager pointing a gun at him until the cops came and
arrested him. What?
How do you how do you think that's going to work?

(39:02):
They they think that because it's a gun shop, like just
because it's a gun shop, the people there wouldn't actually
have like access to loaded guns.Like, I just don't understand.
Right. And also you went in with a
fucking bat. You have better luck with a
throwing star, OK? Just what fucking idiot.
Right. Yeah, for fuck's sake.

(39:23):
No, fucking stupid. So fucking stupid.
I really do like the mental image of him holding the bat
like a gun though. I do too.
That's pretty great actually. So this you'll be able to guess
on this one. OK, interactive.
OK. A Florida man was arrested and
charged with assault with a deadly weapon without intent to

(39:46):
kill after allegedly throwing something through a Wendy's
drive through window. Can you guess what he threw
through the drive through windowin Florida?
But. I'll tell you what he threw
through the drive through window.
What is it? An alligator.
Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding. Correct.
This man threw a fucking alligator.

(40:08):
Threw a drive through window. There's a there's a comedian
that actually talks about. This too.
Yes. If I can find the real, we
should share it because yeah, it's so funny.
Yeah, it's so funny. It is.
It's hilarious. So when an employee handed this
man his drink, he he threw this alligator that he just got off

(40:30):
of the street. He later talked about the
investigators and just to fucking speed off, no one was
hurt and a wildlife officer captured the alligator and
released it back into the wild. But you know that alligator was
harassed and kidnapped for a night and didn't know what the
fuck was going on. Sir, this was a Wendy's.

(40:54):
Throw it at a person right? And it you can see pictures of
it and it wasn't obviously a bigalligator.
No, it was a It was a young alligator.
You can't just pick up and a full grown alligator, OK?
They're heavy as fuck, boy. Also, I'd love to see a man try
to throw an alligator. Right, I want to know what what

(41:16):
was his technique? Because he's sitting in a car.
Yeah, I thought you could just like grab by the tail and like,
fling it. Yeah, you can't go long ways
with it. So was it like a two hands under
the belly and like a side? Toss.
Did he using like a torpedo? Like I want to know this man's
technique of tossing. How?

(41:38):
Exactly. Did he do that?
Fucking Also concerning that in Florida there's just alligators
around that you can just pick up, apparently.
I mean, anytime I've been to Florida, there's a lot of places
where in the Everglades and stuff, there's just kind of
everywhere. You're going to have people who
live down there like, yeah, you can't just go swimming just
anywhere. Like there's crocodiles in the

(41:59):
water. Like there's only certain places
you can go swimming in the wild.Oh God, have I?
So I've seen. We're just going to go talk
about alligators for a minute. Side tangent, I saw some videos
that apparently alligators will float upside down and stick
their front little hands out of the water to imitate someone
drowning to like lure people into the fucking water.

(42:20):
What? Are you kidding me?
No, he's like, hate it. They're like, watch this.
These people are stupid. Bro I'm hungry, watch this.
They're not gonna fall for that,man.
They're they're not. They're not gonna fall for that.
Just watch this. Wait this?
Wait like this? Looks like a tourist.

(42:44):
Blowing bubbles. Fucking I just see somebody.
In their Bermuda shorts and their fucking Hawaiian T-shirt
with their camera around their neck.
They'll throw their camera on the fucking on the ground.
They're like, I'm coming. I'll see.
Locals, I'm bothered just drinking beer or whatever people

(43:04):
in Florida do, just watching. There goes another one.
Erase a number on a whiteboard and make it 1 longer.
That's third one this month. That is the wildest shit.
That's fucking crazy. Yeah, no thanks.

(43:24):
Florida people aren't OK. I know it clearly.
Nearly other alligators. No one's taken Florida from a
kidnapping People, alligators. Doesn't matter.
Oh my gosh. OK.
Oh, it's hot here. OK, so Joey and Matthew McNally

(43:45):
were behind likely the worst andleast thought out of disguises
in the history of crime. Oh boy, can't wait.
He's fucking idiots. So when can when committing
their misdeed they didn't use masks or hoods or like ski masks
or anything like that like a typical criminal criminal would,

(44:07):
right? Instead they chose to draw on
their faces. OK with permanent?
Marker. OK, OK, there it is.
Which is hard to remove. And so after they committed this
little robbery crime of theirs and they're trying to run away,
well, guess what? You can't just go wipe your
face. Everybody knows what you fucking

(44:28):
do on your face is, you fucking idiot.
And so they were pretty easy to identify and find.
Yeah. Anyways, it earned them the
nickname of Dumb and Dumber. That's fitting.
Yeah, here's like dumb ass fucking stupid.
Wow, this is this is the best guys ever.

(44:50):
Bro this is the best guys ever. Do you think part way through
one of them was like, oh shit, dude, that says permanent?
Fuck it. Look, it'll be fine.
We'll we'll just do it. Let's just do it anyway.
Yeah, yeah. No, fucking so dumb.
You're just like what you guys are.
I can't so stupid. Like I'm just like I I don't

(45:12):
even know how to react to that. Like you're just that fucking
dumb. You don't know better.
Like that's just like you didn't.
Do you have any brain? Cells, right?
Even one just kind of like grazing another one thought like
fucking anything besides this isa good idea.
Yeah, fucking stupid. Shame Shame, shame, shame.

(45:34):
So this next 1 is probably my second favorite of my criminals.
How many do you have left? I have 123.
Let me do another one of mine. OK.
All right. So while attempting to break
into and rob his own mother's home during broad daylight,

(45:59):
James Blankenship got spooked and went to hide in the crawl
space of the house. Well, he was apprehended by the
police and when they got him outof the crawl space, he was very
stunned because do you want to know why he did not think that
it was possible to be arrested for burglary if it happened

(46:21):
during the day? What?
Yes, no, this fucking idiot thought that you could not be
arrested for burglary because itwasn't night time.
No, no, it doesn't count. The sun's out.
What do you mean? What?
What do you mean I don't? Yeah, I'm like only, only burly.

(46:46):
Yeah. And then I'm thinking I'm like,
oh, his mom, Are you ashamed of how fucking stupid your son is,
bride? Like, real dumb.
Like super super dumb. She probably thinks, man, I
would have been better off swallowing it that night.
That orgasm was not worth it. Oh my God you're just like what

(47:07):
the fuck dude you're so stupid. That's sad.
Did it say how old he was? Oh, that's a damn shame.
I know I, I just really is, you're like, I just, I, I think
about, I'm like, where where do people get these ideas?
Right? Where what, what happened that
made you think that people couldn't be arrested for

(47:28):
burglary during the day? Is it because of all the movies
you watch? It all happened at night.
Or like the cartoons that you watched maybe, you know,
something like you couldn't evengo to the Public Library and
take 5 minutes just to do his little Google search something.
I mean, surely he's got a phone.You couldn't Google search that.
Yeah, just the lack of effort. Maybe ask somebody.

(47:49):
I bet you could ask like a buddy.
You know, you probably have dumbfriends.
I bet they actually probably might have known a thing or two.
Shit, maybe they encourage them or like, no, totally.
Yeah, do it, bro. Do it, Yeah.
See what happens? Yeah, do it.
Yeah, it's totally not illegal, right?
Not nudge. Right.
You're told you can't get arrested.
Bro, just do it. It's.
Some wild thought process. Plus it's your mom's house.

(48:11):
So like, you know, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm an
idiot and now I'm like, you knowwhat?
I'm doing pretty good, right? I'm doing.
Pretty good. Pretty good, right?
Yeah. It could be so much worse, so
you could. Be any number of these fucking
idiots that we're talking about today.
You know anyone of our listeners, if you feel down

(48:33):
about yourself anytime this week, just remember you're
better than these people. You're doing much better.
That's right, you're not as dumbas you think you are.
No, and honestly, I think it's funny is so far of all of our
criminals, only one's been a woman.
Huh, I didn't even consider thatwith mine.
I'm pretty sure all of no I, allof mine are men.

(48:56):
All of mine are men. Except for the very first one,
which was a woman. Well, one it doesn't.
It never. What's the word specified?
Yes, thank you. If it was a man or a woman.
Oh, OK. We'll just assume all men.
OK. One of my favorite ones of my

(49:16):
compilation today. On one evening a couple is at
home and they start hearing somenoises outside.
So the husband goes to check andwhen he's outside investigating
he finds a 20 year old man namedGreg naked on their roof.
On the roof, on the roof. So.

(49:40):
Fuck, was he high? High on that roof.
So Greg jumps off the roof and starts punching the husband
before running into the couple'shome, where he takes a large
screen TV off of the wall and then empties the well.
His motherfucker was high. His motherfucker.
Was high as a kite. Absolutely.

(50:04):
And then he empties the contentsof the couple's vacuum onto the
floor. Mm hmm, just.
Pencil to the injury, you know. I see the wife.
That was not necessary, OK. Bro I hate vacuuming Dick.
Really. God just take the fucking TV and

(50:25):
go man. So Greg runs up to the couple's
son's bedroom, goes into his closet, and rubs the son's
clothing all over his face. Just like apparently it's soft
or some shit, I don't know. He comes back downstairs and
then while the police are on their way, Greg starts to then

(50:47):
masturbate in the living room fucking.
Stop. Fucking stop right now.
We're not done yet. Oh my God, what the fuck.
What the fuck? Greg, God damn it.
Greg Get. Your shit together.
Funny you say that. When police arrived, Greg tried

(51:08):
to evade him but did not succeedafter being tased.
Oh my God. It was later found that Greg had
defecated on the floor in two different areas of the couple's
house. What the fuck?
When did you have time and how do you have that much shit in
you to poop in two different spots?
Fucking actual fuck. Yeah.

(51:30):
So during questioning by officers, Greg put the empty
contents of that vacuum into hismouth.
And then spat him out. What the fuck dude does it say
what the fuck he was high on? No, I I have to choose to
believe this motherfucker was high as a kite like.
Oh, he had to have been. Right, he had He's naked on top

(51:51):
of it. He's 20 years old, naked on the
top of the roof, comes down, punches a husband, fucking
empties, empties the the the vacuum contents on the floor,
steals the well, did he really steal ATV?
He just tore it off the wall, goes upstairs, shit, shits in a
couple places, rubs his fucking face all over their son's
clothes, and then proceeds to fucking Jack off in the living

(52:12):
room like. Gets tased.
What the fuck bro? Yeah, just some wild shit.
That is craziness to me. Absolutely fucking wild.
I can see why that's one of yourfavorites just.
Like what? I at no point reading that did I

(52:33):
know what I was going to read inthe next sentence.
Yeah, especially I never saw themasturbating coming and I sure
as fuck didn't see him taking a shit to different places in the
house. OK.
Not plot twist after plot twist after plot twist.
Fucking like how fucking long did it take the police to show
up that he had all this time? Right.

(52:55):
Are you just fucking sprinting through that house and power
shit? Power.
Shit, just fucking squeeze and yeah, fucking yeah.
Really. Does he yank it on that real
quick? Like, Oh my God, that's fucking
wild. Yeah, an idiot.
God, after that like I could just what?
What do you even do? Like how do you process that?
You just sit on your couch with shit and emptied vacuum contents

(53:19):
just everywhere just like did that?
Was that real? Did that just actually happen?
Is this a nightmare? I mean, to be fair, that
family's got one hell of a funnystory to share.
Oh, absolutely. Dinner parties.
That's what I'm telling. That's fucking funny.
Wow. Yeah.
OK, in 2008, an 18 year old guy named Ruben Zarate attempted to

(53:44):
rob a muffler shop in Chicago after demanding money.
He was told that most of the cash was in the safe and that it
could only be opened by the manager, who wasn't scheduled to
come in for a few more hours. So to save himself some time,
Ruben said, here's my cell number, give me a call when the
manager arrives and I will come back and take the money.

(54:09):
That's a different way to plan arobbery.
So the people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, man, for
sure, for sure. So then they wait a little bit,
they call the police, and then they call Ruben and we're like,
hey, bro, managers in you can come.
And so he's like, cool, thanks. Shows up, police arrest him.

(54:30):
What, you'd expected a differentoutcome.
For sure. For sure, man, we'll totally do
that. Yeah, Fuck.
Yeah, we got you, bro. It's like you're so stupid.
I'm gonna need a drink after this episode.
Yeah, what an idiot. OK, so this is my favorite one.

(54:54):
I think it's a short one, but it's a good one.
OK? A male tow truck driver was
arrested for masturbating while driving naked.
The real adventure began when the man was being booked into
jail. OK.
As he was being searched, an officer discovered that he had
an orange toy pistol tied to theinside of his upper thigh.

(55:17):
OK, this pistol had approximately an 8 inch barrel
that was estimated to be in the man's ass.
That's so fucking gross. Just stop.
He strapped this toy pistol to his thigh in a position that

(55:39):
when he sat down it would be inserted into his ass while
driving a truck masturbating. That's so complicated and so
gross. I feel so gross right now, I
would hate to be the person searching.
Oh my God, they're like, I fucking hate my job, fucking

(56:03):
hate my job. I hate being the rookie.
You're just a. Season officer, you're like hey
rookie, get in here just having a bold as toy out of his ass.
God that's disgusting. I'm sure they're used to like
different types of paraphernalia.

(56:24):
Your contraband. I can't.
I can't imagine that toy pistolsis common.
Yeah, Gross, gross. Yeah.
Oh, I love it. I laughed hard when I first
read. That's pretty fucked up.
Oh yeah. OK, this one's a little bit
long, but it's funny. Oh.
OK. So, Gordon Pierce, 38 years old.

(56:48):
Also, I love that you're including people's names and I'm
just like, fuck them, yeah. No, I was like, whatever, it's
all public. So he's 38 years old.
He was arrested after a 1794 Cannon, like the year 17 and 94
Cannon went missing from its podium in Wichita Park and was

(57:08):
later discovered chopped into pieces.
OK, yes. So Pierce told investigators
that he was a meth user of 20 years.
Like, proudly. And owed his dealer some $20,000
after the pound of meth that he was supposed to sell was
reportedly stolen. He said his dealer have

(57:28):
threatened to shoot him and his family if he didn't come up with
the cash to repay the debt. The distressed drug dealer
planned plan to sell copper fromstatues made of the material
that he could steal. So he hatched this plan.
OK, He was going to go steal this cannon after driving around

(57:50):
in desperation looking for any copper statues.
And he had come across this one.And he basically was like, it
had been like this Cannon had been in this park since like
1900. Oh.
He told investigators that the reason that he targeted the
cannon was because it was in a dark place.
Oh, that's it. They're just not.

(58:12):
Street lights. He then recruited a homeless man
to help him with his plan by bribing him with drugs and a
pipe. God damn it.
The two men got high on meth, obviously, obviously when in
Rome. Before.

(58:34):
Before trying to use their own muscles to lift the 800 LB
cannon. Yeah, because people on meth are
notoriously ripped beefcakes, all of them.
First, the pair tried to lift the Canon onto the bed of
Pierce's Chevrolet Tahoe, but itwas too.

(58:55):
On the roof of a Tahoe. But it was too heavy.
Next, they hooked a chain up andattached it to the truck's hitch
so that the criminal mastermind could tow it off.
OK, except for when he began dragging it through the streets.
This fucking idiot. He began dragging it through the

(59:19):
street. Their streets.
The chain snapped in front of anautomotive shop, so he abandoned
the cannon right there, fled to a friend's house and got a new
chain, came back, used the new chain to drag it to his friend's
house where he hid it in his garage.
Inside the garage, Pierce allegedly chopped the cannon
into 5 huge hunks and then took some of the parts to the drug

(59:42):
dealer that he owed money to andhopes that it would settle his
debt and save his family. The drug dealer was like, are
you a fucking idiot? You're going to bring so much
heat to my house, get out of here.
And basically he's just like, what am I supposed to do?
You know, like freaking out. So then he's like, all right,

(01:00:03):
well, I'm just going to take this, I'm going to go sell it.
Well guess what? You have to have a fucking photo
ID in order to be able to sell scrap metal, which this asshole
didn't have. Of course not.
So he chopped up this fucking historical piece into 5 chunks.
And they couldn't even do anything with it.
So he had no real plan for getting rid of this 800 LB

(01:00:24):
fucking cannon. And the next time that he saw
his drug dealer, apparently the drug dealer was absolutely
furious and allegedly told Pierce he was going to shoot him
in his fucking head. Terrified, Pierce went to his
mother, confessed, and fell asleep.
When he woke up, the cops were there to arrest him.
Good on his mom. Oh yeah, she's like.

(01:00:45):
You did what? What I bet she was actually
probably like what a fucking idiot.
So I wanted to spend my night. Wow, what an asshole.
Yeah, I just like the part wherehe was like, I can't do this by
myself and be bribed a homeless dude.
Just looked around and was like hey you.
There's a guy, he was some meth and a pipe.
Come help me move this cannon. Let's get high first, though.

(01:01:08):
I mean that makes sense on why they thought they could put it
on top of a fucking Tahoe. But also just funny.
To me, he's like dragging this cannon through the street.
Do you think it was like throwing up?
Sparks I absolutely, absolutely throwing up sparks.
And then the chain snaps and nowthere's just a cannon sitting in
the middle of the street while he runs to go get a new chain.
And then he comes back just like, do people drive by like,

(01:01:32):
is that a cannon? Isn't that?
From the park. Just looking.
Past. Him what the?
Fuck, So he steals a statue, damages a fucking some, probably
multiple streets in the process,and then essentially just
destroys this historical piece? Yeah for nothing.

(01:01:55):
For nothing because he's an idiot.
Absolutely yes. And then we confessed his mom.
Yep, I was running back to Mom. Oh yeah, good Lord.
What a fucking idiot. I know, it's crazy.
Well, that was exhausting. Yes.
Yeah. All right.
For my last one, this is it's just something, it's kind of

(01:02:16):
funny. So for a trio of drug thieves,
it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver
Springs, FL and discovered 3 jars of cocaine.
Lucky fucking day, right? Yeah, they're like fucking
mother fucking jackpot bitches. So they took that shit home.

(01:02:38):
They snorted the contents, rubbed it in on their gums, you
know, That's when they discovered that the jars were in
fact urns and they were snortingthe cremains of the victim's
husband and their two dogs. Oh my God.

(01:02:59):
You so gross. So nasty.
You just fucking idiot. You don't know what a fucking
herb looks like. Right.
Like you've seen cocaine cremains, they don't look.
It doesn't look. Like they don't look the same.
No, no, not even remotely. I've never even done cocaine,

(01:03:20):
but I've seen cocaine and that is not what it looks like.
Thank you. Yeah, just.
Fucking idiots. Absolutely fucking idiots.
Well, I lied, One more of these people is actually a woman.
Oh, this one's just a real shortone.
And then I have one left. So perfect.
It's all you. This Florida woman.
Always Florida. Oh, it's always fucking Florida.

(01:03:42):
So she's on her way to rehab. 40year old woman Octavia Wells on
her way to rehab. And she's like, you know what,
I'm going to have one last hurrah before I like check in,
right? So I'm just going to hit up my
drug dealer, get a little fentanyl.
Cool. So she she texts her drug dealer

(01:04:03):
and he's like, yeah, cool, come meet me over here.
So she goes over to wherever it is that he says to meet her or
meet him and gives him 45 bucks and and he hands her this tiny
little container with fentanyl in it.
And she's like, cool, thanks, peace.
And gets ready to leave. And he's like, yeah, actually
I'm a cop. Yeah, she accidentally texted an

(01:04:27):
off duty cop and not her drug dealer was like hey.
Yo just have an off dude cop's phone number.
I think my guess is like when she put this dude's number in
her phone, she must have just like got a digit off and her
shit luck was that that one digit off went to a fucking off.
And he was like, what the fuck? He's like, honey, I'll be back.

(01:04:47):
I gotta go. There's this.
There's an idiot. Easiest rest of my career.
So this is fucking so easy. Oh my God, yeah.
This is just like, yeah, fuckingstupid, bro.
Fucking stupid. Gone to rehab, right?
No kidding. OK, so this one is hilarious to
me. OK, a Virginia man basically was

(01:05:13):
like, and this is right before Christmas.
He's in a Walmart. This local Walmart, Walmart does
a charity event where they work alongside the local Police
Department and Sheriff's Department.
And they all come in. Each officer will shop with like
an impoverished child for Christmas and kind of get them
different. Yeah, right.
Like it's really cool. And so these cops just spend,

(01:05:35):
you know, a couple hours with each of these kids.
This idiot decides he's like, you know what, I'm going to go
fucking get me some shit from Walmart.
So he, he goes throughout Walmart, right during Shop with
a Cop day and he starts just loading up with all sorts of
shit. OK, this he's he's he's 32 years

(01:05:55):
old. OK, He's not a child.
He's 32 years old. Yeah.
So he just, he's he's going through Walmart taking this,
that the other just shoving shitin his pants, in his coat all
over, right. He's just not even shopping,
just shoplifting, just shoplifting.
So he starts to make his way outof the store, right?
He's like, cool, I got everything I wanted, $1400 worth

(01:06:18):
of shit, think I'm good. He starts to make his way out of
the store. Well, somebody in Walmart is
like sees he's shoplifting like,hey, we have a shoplifting
whatever. You know, Katie, like something
like shoplifting is happening right now.
Whatever. So then the, the police officers
who are all in the store hear that come over the radio and
they're like, well, we're all inthis Walmart.

(01:06:40):
So they all immediately start looking in Walmart for this dude
find him within seconds because there are over 50 cops in this
Walmart. Bro what's funnier they go find
his fucking vehicle parked out front.
He there's they said they had 30to 40 marked police vehicles in

(01:07:04):
the parking lot. This asshole came parked in the
parking lot facing all of their vehicles.
My. God.
He was facing all their vehicles, had to walk past all
their vehicles to get into Walmart.
And then there's over 50 officers in this Walmart.
Motherfucker. You saw police officers and that

(01:07:25):
didn't deter you. That didn't deter you.
You're so fucking you thought you would be that good at
shoplifting. You're like, you know what?
They're all, they're all sidetracked, right?
They're not going to be paying attention to me.
Oh my God. Fucking stupid.
They can't arrest me, they're off duty.
Exactly. It's the daytime. 2 fucking cops

(01:07:46):
are just baffled. They're like how, why?
Like there nothing was, nothing was hidden.
It was so blatantly obvious. There were like tons of cops
here inside and outside like andhe still decided to do like what
an idiot. What a fucking idiot.
And to top it all off, he oh, it's not done.
He also had a warrant out for his arrest.

(01:08:06):
Oh my God. Yeah.
So you were fucking asking to beseveral open larceny cases.
So Jesus Christ, maybe it was just a cry for help, you know?
Maybe it was just like a subconscious cry for help.
At that point just go up and like fucking punch one of them.

(01:08:28):
Lord, good Lord. Janice yes.
So it's absurd. Oh yeah, I do have his name.
So 32 year old Hector Velasquez Maldonado.
Sir, yes, they're stupid and man, let's hope that some of
these people never meet each other because.
The headline for this article was if only this Grinch's brain

(01:08:49):
had grown 3 sizes. Oh, that's rude.
I like it. Yeah.
Damn, people are dumb. They.
Are so stupid. You just read these and you're
like, I don't understand how youthought like this was.
This was fine. It was going to work.
What what what like I just like how I can't even comprehend

(01:09:13):
comprehend how somebody could belike that dumb.
Right, because it's just that dumb.
Just to the common person, the everyday person, you might
think, obviously that's not going to work.
Clearly I just. I don't see occupations.
Right. So if I don't see color, Oh my

(01:09:34):
God, it's just like I feel like the dumbest ones.
Or the guy who didn't think he could get arrested for robbery
during the daytime and this motherfucker who decided to
shoplift with like 50 cops surrounding him.
Right, like what? What were you?
Clearly the brain cells aren't no just so dumb firing off no
synapses. Dumb.

(01:09:57):
You know, I hope all of these people have made all of you feel
so much better about where you are in life and the choices
you've made. I honestly.
I feel like there should be likea prison specifically for the
really dumb criminals because I feel like maybe it's not safe
for them to be in a prison with normal criminals, right?

(01:10:18):
Their survival rate is probably pretty slim.
Yeah, you know. Gosh, what's a real dumb animal?
I don't know. Yeah, man.
I feel like that's just like putting a poor little innocent
animal in like a cage of lions, you know?
And they're just like walking around.
They're just like, do do, do, dodo do do like.

(01:10:39):
Nothing's wrong everything. Like a fucking like the chicken
from Moana. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, Good Lord. Well, yeah, dumb cool anyways.
About myself, you know. Yeah, I am.
I'm happy that I'm not. I'm not stupid like that.
And yeah. I'm dumb in other ways and in
funny ways that aren't illegal. Yeah, I'm dumb in other ways,

(01:11:01):
mostly when it comes to dating. So if you guys have any fun
stories, like any funny criminalstories, just share them with
us, slide into our DMS or shoot us an e-mail or something.
We'd love to. Hear not if you necessarily have
any. Don't don't be a dumb criminal.
Don't don't admit your crimes tous.
At least have the decency to give it a different name.
So I'll. Turn your shit in.

(01:11:22):
Right. Somebody else's name, right.
OK, yeah, don't be stupid. Use your brain cells.
Well, for the end of the month, you want to do a give the give
the people with their craving a book wreck a book or
recommendation. I am going to actually recommend
to everybody this series. It's kind of a tandem read

(01:11:43):
series by Scarlett Sinclair. And it is basically a game of
fate and a touch of darkness arewhat the series are called. 1
follows Hades and the other follows Persephone.
I love those. Kind of stories and this
particular story takes place in modern times so you have Olympus

(01:12:08):
and all that happening here in modern times people have you
know nightclubs and cars and Persephone is a journalist at a
local newspaper park here. Hades is the owner of several
clubs and businesses and, you know, knows everything that's
happening, you know, like going on in in the city and stuff like

(01:12:30):
that. But it's all very much a modern
take on the Hades and Persephonestory instead of Hades
essentially like kidnapping Persephone or winning her in a
bet or anything like that. She falls for him and they fall
in love with each other and it'sjust their life and how she's

(01:12:51):
like, I know you could do everything for me, Hades, but I
don't want you to do everything for me.
And she's like trying to figure out her own magic because she's
also a God, but she you know, her the way her mom was.
But anyways, you know, she she sheltered Persephone for a
really long time and like brainwashed her into like the
world is out to get you and it'sa dangerous place and just stay

(01:13:13):
here with mommy and, you know, and she finally was like, no,
like I want to go see the world and I want to go, you know,
explore. So there is a little bit of like
a like a little bit of like a Rapunzel ish kind of Oh, that's
fun bit in there from that. No, it's just the whole thing is
very fun. I will say the the storyline on
all of it is really great. I love these characters so much.

(01:13:35):
They're very Persephone is very strong willed and stubborn, a
little bit innocent, but also just sees like the best in
people. And Hades is also very, very
perceptive, but also kind of an idiot when it comes to love.
Incredibly, ridiculously, illegally hot.

(01:13:58):
Like, it is not even fair how absolutely fucking sexy hates
is. Like she made him illegally hot.
Fucking Gee, like hand, yeah, it's just insane.
But he's got like, like, there'sa scene where he's pursuing
Persephone and, you know, she's brushing them off.
She's not interested, you know, whatever.

(01:14:19):
She still though, like, fantasizes about him because
like I said, this motherfucker is sexy as hell.
And these two fill a pole towards each other.
Hades will admit it, Persephone won't admit it.
And so she's just like, no, I did get away from me.
Whatever. Like, you're gross.
You're just like a seedy underground, whatever, you know,
whatever. Like she's not into him.

(01:14:40):
There's a scene where she's homeand she's masturbating and she's
imagining Hades. Well, Hades has those power
where he could just appear places and he makes himself seem
a little bit transparent. So he's actually there watching

(01:15:00):
her. Oh fuck.
Telling her what to do. And she thinks she's having an
insanely vivid moment with her imagination and like, she's just
kind of lost in this and like, winds up like, having like, this
super insane orgasm. And then he disappeared.
Like, something happens. It makes her think like, wait,

(01:15:21):
was he actually here? What the fuck?
Was he actually here? But he's gone.
And she's like, no, that was allin my head.
Holy shit. He couldn't have been.
Yeah, she's like, that was so unreal.
That was why, you know, whatever.
And so then he does shit like this, like throughout there.
But anyways, it is absolutely like triple X-rated literary
porn. 1000% these two. Oh sex and sex appeal.

(01:15:45):
They fuck all the time, every chapter.
I'm pretty sure they fuck in every chapter.
It's. Horny people's.
Insane. It is insane.
And her sex scenes are actually really fucking erotic.
They're very, very hot. She writes them very well.
And it's actually got a decent storyline.
Like it's it's actually got a good storyline.
So it's fun to read also and to follow their lives and stuff.

(01:16:08):
And so a game of Fate that series follows Hades.
And so you see everything from Fate, from Hades perspective,
how he saw things that were happening between him and
Persephone, what he was doing when Persephone wasn't around
him, and then the same with Persephone.
So you're getting Persephone's point of view, the things she's
thinking and how she's perceiving things, what she's

(01:16:28):
doing when Hades isn't around. And it's just really cool to
kind of get those two sides of the story.
And it almost makes it feel likeyou're, you're watching a movie,
you know? So you just, but you're getting,
you're inside each person's head.
So it's just, it's really fun. They're really great reads.
The books are probably, I don't know, maybe like 300 pages each,

(01:16:51):
maybe maybe 4. Yes.
They got somebody to them, but they don't look like they're.
You know, yeah, they're too thick, too thin.
You ever read? No, and they're not, they're not
crazy. They're they're pretty quick
reads. And there's.
So there's three books in the Haiti series and four books in
the Persephone series. Highly recommend, especially if
you're just like, all right, youknow, need some good sex in your

(01:17:11):
life but can't get any good sex in your life.
Like somebody I know AKA me, just read about it and live
vicariously through the characters and then just give
yourself an orgasm. Who were they by again?
Scarlett Saint Clair. All right, yes.
So check those out. Yep, we'll have pictures and all
of that stuff in the show notes.Yep, per Huge.

(01:17:32):
Yep, you built. And then I did read all of this
book. OK.
No more mistakes like the book we won't talk about.
The book whose name should not be named, or whatever whose
title should not be named. Yes, you get it.
My book recommendation is Chain Gang All Stars by Nana Kwame Aji

(01:17:59):
Brenna. Chain Gang All Stars is the
cornerstone of this program called Cape.
It's criminal action, penal entertainment, It's a highly
popular, highly controversial profit raising program in
America, and it's increasingly dominant private prison
industry. It's the return of the the

(01:18:21):
gladiators and the prisoners areall competing for their freedom
like they have full on gladiatorthey're in an arena.
OK. They so all the prisoners are
they travel to different locations and and links.
So they like they have like 5 tolike 8 people traveling together

(01:18:41):
and they're monitored by guards and they're every single minute
of their day is televised. There's always like this drone
recording them, OK, so regardless of what they're
doing, if they're having sex or they're going to the bathroom,
whatever, it's always televised.All the fighters they can get,
depending on how good they are, they can get sponsors.

(01:19:03):
And so they'll get different armors or different weapons or
they have things where they can upgrade the weapons that they
use, because most people will have like specialty that they
they always use that they prefer.
And it follows the two main people, people Third War and
Stacks. And they are they're both

(01:19:23):
females, they're team mates and they are lovers and they are
both some of the highest adored and like loved fighters and all
of it, it just follows them. And at the very end, because
this is all for profit, because you have to go through, I think
it's like 10 different fights. And like, they take years to do.

(01:19:48):
And so they get towards the end,they only have a couple of
fights left. The people that run Cape
suddenly decide to change the roles because, yeah, because of
course they fucking would. You know, the overlords.
It is very like, it's very Hunger Games, but different.

(01:20:11):
It's a fun read. And you're going to meet some of
the other characters and and things like that.
But it's also a really good lookat America's prison systems
unholy alliance with systemic racism and unchecked capitalism
and mass and incarceration. And it's just a look and it

(01:20:32):
right in the fucking face kind of thing of how like what
freedom really means in the country at this time.
It's a really good book. It's funny it at times it's
really hot. And overall it's just badass.
Like you get epic fight scenes and everything.
I love that. It's a very good read.

(01:20:52):
OK, well, there you go. We'll have we'll have that in
our IG also. Yes, Sir.
What's the author's name? I'm not sure if it's one author
or if it's two. I'm assuming it's one, but it's
Nana Kwame, Aji Brenna. OK.
All right, you guys, you ready for a game?

(01:21:12):
You fucking know it. OK, let's do it.
All right. What are we playing?
Some early bad choices? Yep, that was one of them.
Jazz. Kidding.

(01:21:34):
OK, I went first with our stupidcriminal.
So do you want to go first with our bad choices?
Oh, shizzle. OK, so how does this game work?
That's a great question. I don't remember.
So this game basically we each have a card and we're
essentially just asking the question that is on the card and
then answering it. That's it.
So it's pretty easy. It's basically just, it's kind

(01:21:57):
of like put a finger down. Yes, it's kind of like put a
finger down. You just, we're just not putting
involved. We're not fingering anything.
We're not fingering our fingers.Finger free.
Finger, finger, finger, finger. Get the fingers in there.
Loosen them up, crack them. Let's go.
Just kidding. You don't need none.
You don't need none of that. Well, all right, to start of
start us off, would you catfish your grandma one if she was

(01:22:20):
still alive if you found out that she was going to leave you
out of her will? No, because our grandmother is
stubborn as fucking nails. Good God, like, are you kidding
me? She No, you could try.

(01:22:43):
You would fail. You would.
I mean, you'd get a good. Story out of it, maybe some
laughs. I think the only way that you
could successfully could have successfully catfished her is if
it was like religion and you knew what she believed and
wanted to believe well enough that you could.
Kind of twist. That yeah, that feels dirty and

(01:23:03):
wrong. Like definitely a one way ticket
to hell. Yeah.
Talk about sacrilegious kidding.So no.
OK, have you ever run into a former lover and not remembered
their name? No, I don't believe so.
Yeah, if I did, I didn't know their name to begin with, so.

(01:23:24):
Doesn't count, it cancels out. Basically, it's the daytime, it
doesn't count. Because I'm like, I don't know,
back in the day, like I had someone night stands where it was
like names weren't important, like let's fuck and peace,
peace. Yeah.
So I don't know. I probably wouldn't even
recognize their face, to be honest.
Yeah, it was pretty quick. And usually I've been drinking,

(01:23:47):
so yeah. But if I knew your name and we
fucked, then no. I absolutely remember you.
And I will remember your name. Yeah.
Remember last week's episode? We talked about this.
We we brushed past it. We did quickly and we don't need
to dive into that as Nope, moving on.
Matter of fact, do you think you're the funniest person in
the room? No, I think you're the funniest

(01:24:09):
person in the room. I can openly admit that you were
definitely funnier than me. You got the best ass, but I've
got the funniest sass. Totally just buying that one.
I know. No, you're funny.
I just feed off of your humor really well.
Yeah. Yeah, you're funny.
OK. Oh God.
What kind of fucking question isthis?

(01:24:30):
I. Don't know.
Do you have a sexual fetish? Well, yeah, don't we all?
Thank you. Like what if you say no?
I feel like you don't know what sexual fetishes are because yes
you do. Stop lying.
No straight vanilla, no bean. Missionary with my eyes closed.
Fully closed. There's just a little hole.

(01:24:51):
Oh, God, it's terrible. That's a fetish.
Probably. There's a fetish for everything.
There really is. Yeah.
No, we we have fetishes. Good grief.
Who? Yes.
Who the fuck do you think you'retalking to right now?
Yeah, good. Anyways, would you be OK with
letting your partner have sex with your robot like a sex
robot? Yes, I'd also I want to be there

(01:25:14):
sex with a robot. Yeah, you can't.
You couldn't do it without me there.
I want to. I want to fuck a robot too.
Exactly. We're going to fuck this robot.
What do you mean? We are going to have a threesome
with this fucking robot. OK, we're both fucking this
robot. That's my stance.
We'll just put on the attachmentfor me and take it off for you.

(01:25:36):
Perfect. No.
If we're, if we're doing this, we are doing this, Yeah.
We are doing this for real, hands down.
Would you let your partner have sex with their celebrity crush
without consequences? Yeah.
Yeah, it would. Because when I have sex with you
then it's like second hand. Right, like I second hand had
sex with this celebrity. Yeah, Yeah, exactly.

(01:25:59):
That's exactly how that works. Yes.
I'm the second vagina that you went into after you had sex with
her. No, the first vagina you went
into after you had sex with her.Yeah, matter of fact, don't
even. Clean.
Don't. Yeah, don't even, don't even
clean it. Yeah, this is the nasty we just
said. Let's just keep it.
Let's just keep it authentic. It's possible if you went down

(01:26:24):
on there, don't wash your mouth,then it's almost like.
She's doing it too, you know. Oh lordy, I need Jesus in here.
Is it getting hot because we're getting closer to hell?
Probably. It's like 74° in this room right

(01:26:45):
now. So fucking hot in.
Here, Oh my God. It's all the.
Sin the flames are just getting closer and closer to it one.
'S licking my ankle. Oh boy, our grandparents would
be rolling in their graves rightnow.
But they're cremated. That's right.
So doesn't count. They're just is just swirling

(01:27:07):
around little. Tornadoes.
Little dust devils. It's funny, Norma.
It's so funny. Oh.
I'm sweating. Oh degenerates, we are God.

(01:27:29):
I see you say that you think youlike all this and you're like,
what degenerates we are. And I'm like, God, I love our
family so much. Two things can be true One.
Exactly. Oh, wait.
OK, go. OK, for $200 would you tell a
mother that their baby was ugly?Yes.

(01:27:52):
Oh, that's right. You don't like kids, you only
like yours, Basically. Yeah, you told me that multiple
times. Yeah, I I only like my own kids.
Yeah. I tolerate.
I tolerate other people's children, but for a short while.
Yeah, I would. Yeah, $200, no problem.
But do I have to say your baby'sugly or do I have to just be
like, not the cutest baby I've seen?

(01:28:12):
Yeah. Do you have?
Not even on the top. Technically, use the word ugly.
Right. Yeah.
I mean, what happened to it on the way out?
That's a paper bag baby. So fucked.
Up. Did it get dropped?
What's about the coloring? I feel like their skull
shouldn't be shaped like that. Is this supposed to be a cone?

(01:28:34):
What's wrong with their face? She's 10.
Days old. Oh.
Didn't come out early. Yeah, anyway.
Would you drink a cup of human blood for $5000?
No. I would.
A cup, yeah. You would drink blood before you
drank urine. How much was the urine for?

(01:28:57):
More than that? More than $5000?
Yeah. Are you sure?
Yeah, it was like 10. Well blood isn't as gross to me
for some reason and plus I like the way it tastes.
I'm also part of vampire I'm pretty sure, so yeah, I would do
it. The fuck?
Urine's the least. Sterile.
That could fuck with your tummy.No, it probably would.
That's a lot of iron. Yeah, I would probably vomit,

(01:29:18):
but I would vomit up the blood, which is wipe your amazing your
$5000. Yes.
Exactly. No, no problem.
I would do that. Yeah.
It's gonna be a no for me. Dog crazy.
OK, yeah. Like I like the way fresh out of
the body or like it's been refrigerated.
I feel like it needs to be freshout the body.
Yeah 'cause drinking if it was refrigerated, like it'd be

(01:29:41):
thick, like coagulated. You'd have to like an
anticoagulant in it, like a a smoothie or something that's
SAT. Oh my God, could I mix it in a
smoothie just like throw some strawberries in there?
My God, what is wrong with you? It's not often that I'm not the
most twisted. I know it's OK.

(01:30:04):
Wow, I get dark. I get dark one time.
And everybody. Freaks out, everybody freaks
out. Oh my God, bad ass bitch over
there. Golly, just turn it into a
fucking smoothie man. I put some acai in there, some
blueberries, and then I'll just pretend like it's a smoothie.
It's a lot of iron. This is very iron rich.
Cup. That's only 8 ounces.

(01:30:26):
I know, but still, that just feels like a lot.
I feel like I would find out if I really am a vampire that way.
OK, we're going to put up a pollbecause I need to know if.
Anybody else would do that? Who?
Sides with who here? OK.
Yeah, I'm totally down. This is if you do any poll, do
this in polls. I need you to do this one.

(01:30:46):
Yeah, I need you to. Yeah.
Am I supposed to read now? I'm so discombobulated.
No, it's your turn. OK.
I can't believe I threw you off.That you fucking horror lady
over here and me telling her I'll drink blood for $5000 has
got her fucked up. A cuff?
Yeah. I don't know.
Well, OK, can I drink it straight out their neck or off
their wrist? OK.

(01:31:07):
Keep your bean in your pants, all right?
For $100,000, would you spit on every new person you meet for a
year for $100,000? Yeah, yes, yeah.
I don't meet that many people, Idon't think.
Yeah. And actually, yeah, I.
Do. Not like I have to spit in their
face, I could spit on their handor on their shoe.
Right. And I guess it doesn't have to

(01:31:28):
be a lot. They could turn around and I
spit on their back and they don't never even know about it.
Yeah, it's like a cool game. I would absolutely do that for
100 grand. Fuck yes.
That's an easy 100 grand for a year.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.I mean, it could be hard because
like every person you meet is, are we talking like every person
you meet, like hi, I'm Nikki or every person you encounter?

(01:31:51):
Because every person you encounter, that's going to be
difficult. I'm going to go and say someone
that you actually meet. Like you introduce each other,
yourself to each other. Yeah.
Because I feel like if you were just like going to the store,
you're not meeting that person. You're just interacting with
them. Exactly.
You're not introducing yourself.Yeah, or you just encounter them
like you say. Excuse me To get to the fucking

(01:32:12):
oranges. You're like, you have to spit on
that person. Fucking always.
Good thing you already carry a water bottle everywhere you go
and you run and dry I. Know I've been saying yeah let's
go with the people that you likelegit meet OK yeah, we'll go
with that OK all right last one have you ever had sex with a
random person while travelling While travelling no.

(01:32:36):
I don't think so, no. Yeah, not as exciting.
No, have it. God, there's yeah, I've wanted
to like I've like met people where when I was travelling
where I'm like, yeah, I would like to, but.
I have a I've I've kissed 2 random people I've met on a

(01:32:57):
plane before. Like different planes, different
times and travelling obviously within the States.
We all know I haven't left the country.
And one I got, I don't know how it worked out, but I was on a
plane with a bunch of new marines, like right out of
training. And there was this really cute
guy that was like, he seemed very innocent.

(01:33:18):
He was actually Scottish, Which?Amazing.
He kissed a Scott before me. Yeah, I was older than he was by
like 2 years I think. Yeah, because he was maybe.
I don't know, I where I was sitting just happened to be in
the back like kind of where their group of people were all

(01:33:38):
sitting and just started talkingwith them.
I was a lot more outgoing back then, less tired, but ended up
being like, oh, because they're his buddies were all like giving
them Flack for never like have kissed an American girl or
something because they'd only been in the United States for a

(01:34:00):
handful of years and. They're like I'll kiss you.
Yeah, exactly. And they're like, what?
No shit. And I was like, no, it's for
real. I don't give a fuck and just
gave them a kiss and fucking pink cheeks.
And I was like, oh, you're adorable.
Say something. Yeah, that's nice.
And then there was a random, another random dude I had a
flight with and we started talking and we were flirting and

(01:34:23):
ended up talking when we were, we were had a layover, went to
the bar, ended up having a kiss.I think it was more like a
little short make out session orsomething.
And then never saw each other ever again.
Wow. I don't even remember his name.
I don't know either of their names.
Yeah. Interesting.
So not sex, but you know. To face, mm, hmm, I've met some

(01:34:46):
pretty cool people on the plane.Like, you know, you're stuck
sitting next to each other for several hours.
They're either passed out or you're going to have a
conversation, right? Or you're just putting your
earbuds in. You're like, fuck humanity,
don't talk to me. But yeah, I like if if you seem
like somebody who's like going to be cool and whatever, I'll
strike up a conversation with you.
And I remember flying to North Carolina, just strike it up a

(01:35:08):
conversation. I mean, I was flying first
class. And so this older gentleman that
I was sitting next to, oh, we got faded.
Oh, he and I got faded on that flight.
The flight attendant was like, you guys can't have any more so
than a different one would come by and we'd get some more
alcohol. Yeah.
He was on the Isle seat. So he just like, well, they're
serving other people. He does reach in there.

(01:35:28):
Fucking grab a couple, toss me too.
He'd fuck it too. That is my kind of guy.
That's my he was, he was cool asshit.
I actually still have his contact information.
I can't remember. He had like some kind of
business or something I was supposed to get in touch with
him about, but but no, he was, he was a cool ass dude.
Man. We, we had a great time.
We had a great time. That sounds awesome.

(01:35:48):
It was, it was so much fucking fun just bullshitting with him.
And like, we got faded to the point where, like, the flight
time was like, we need to ask you 2 to keep it down because we
were laughing so fucking hard. Like we're just having a good
old time and never saw him again.
But it was just like, fuck, yeah, that was fun.
Yeah, that's awesome. Like I want to meet people and

(01:36:08):
just fucking bullshit like. Bring it all next to people that
look boring or like people that try and take up my only armrest
like a Dick. Yeah, I know.
That sucks. If you're like in the middle,
then they think those armrests are theirs.
You're like where the fuck am I supposed to put my arm?
Yeah, no, I've, I've definitely been in a mood where I've had
multiple layovers and just fucking sharp elbowed someone's

(01:36:32):
elbow off. I'm like, you have one over
there. This one's mine, Yeah.
Let me fucking have it. We can do this if you want.
This can be a really uncomfortable flight for both of
us. I'm tired, don't mess with me.
I eventually got it, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(01:36:52):
I've said stuff like that to people before on the flight,
but. Why I didn't say it to him?
Why? I said it with my eyes and my
face, you know, in your body language.
The elbow to the rib cage. Yeah.
I'm just like, no, it's like when you're sitting in the
middle of of or like like you have your arm on the armrest and
they try to put theirs on it andpush yours over and you're like,
oh fuck no, I ain't moving, bitch.
I'm going to turn this into stone.

(01:37:13):
That's right. It ain't going nowhere.
Fuck off. Yeah.
It's like when I've, I've been in a place where I'm sitting in
the middle of two guys and you know, guys tend to sit with
their legs open and I will straight like lock my legs in
place If you're trying to get more space than you.
Deserve. Yeah, if you're trying to
encroach on my fucking already very minimal leg space, fuck
off. I don't care how bad your balls

(01:37:35):
need to breathe. If I can reach down there and
push them up, I don't know. Not my fucking problem exactly.
Yeah, I love that. I love that energy about us.
Yeah, no, I'm the same. I'm like, hey, I paid for this
tiny ass space just as much as you did, so fuck off.
You don't get to have any of my space.
I need every fucking cubic inch of my space.

(01:37:56):
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much. I'm excited, though, And I
rarely I when I fly, though, I'mtrying to think if there's ever
been a time maybe like way, way back in the day I flew where I
didn't get to choose my seats, but I'd never sit in the middle.
Never. Unless there's literally no
other seat. It's always the window.
Yeah, it's always a window for me too.

(01:38:17):
Like, yeah, some people just always like, like my ex, it was
always the aisle seat for him. He's like, Nope.
I'll see. I just I want easy access out.
That's fair. Yeah, I'm not that.
Yeah, he also was uncomfortable flying.
But me, I love flying. I love take off.
I love landing. Everything about it excites me,
even the turbulence, like nothing.
Nothing about flying freaks me out.
I love it. Sometimes what my imagination

(01:38:39):
will start getting away from me a little bit that I reel it back
in. I reel it back in, but I've I'm
so short that I can usually get my my feet up onto the seat.
I can like curl into a ball and use the wall as as a pillow and
I just sleep mostly just get allcozy.
Yeah, that's crazy. Cozy is kind of pushing it but

(01:39:00):
but. You can sleep more comfortable.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't.
I think I was thinking about that because you had asked me
that at the beginning of the episode.
And I think I've only fallen asleep on a plane like once or
twice. And I don't even think it was
like real full sleep. I think it was like maybe a
minute or two here or there. Yeah, it's never good sleep.
No, I'd rather just stay up and listen to music or watch a movie
or read or something, which is what I usually do.

(01:39:20):
Or I stare out the window and take pictures.
Or just stare out the window, yeah.
I'm going to try and talk to somebody this time.
You should. I want you to.
I want you to be successful in finding a new friend you'll
never see again. Just for the funsies of it.
You want to be my friend? Would you like to be my friend
on this plane? What are you doing for the next
8 hours? Yeah, 8 hours.

(01:39:42):
You want to be friends? You want to be friends, Want to
be my friend? So you like smut?
Tell me, do you like to read? Open your trench coat that you
suddenly have and it's just smutnovels.
Smut novels, Yes. Do you like sex?
Do you like to read about sex? I also like to read about sex.
I'm writing about sex. Yep, I'm a smut connoisseur

(01:40:05):
myself. Not to brag anyways, whatever.
All right, you guys. Well, this is the end.
Like, there's just a couple daysleft of May and we are into June
and we have so much going on this next month.
Y'all, It is going to be, it's going to be a lot like recording

(01:40:28):
podcasts and doing all the events that we have going on.
It is going to be crazy, but we're going to have a lot of
shit to talk to you about too. Amen, Berther.
I just can't wait to talk to everybody and tell you all about
how this fucking burlesque show goes.
Yeah, yeah, it's going to be pretty fun.
I'm excited. Fatter painted Yelsely Yelse
again. Well, you guys, I think this is

(01:40:50):
about all my voice can take, so I guess we'll see y'all next
week. Yeah, in June.
In June, Yes. You know where to follow us on
spotify.amazon.musiciheartradiopodchaserpandorayepemailthesauceboxpodcast@gmail.comIf you have any crazy dating

(01:41:12):
stories or things that you've heard or seen or whatever
experience you come across. Any articles of some dumbass
criminals? Exactly.
IG at Sauce Boxed and X at the Sauce Box pod.
So there you have it, my peeps. And yeah, cool.

(01:41:32):
Thanks for bearing with us and our crazy voices and sniffles
and coughs. And we'll do our best to edit
most of that out for you. Yeah, you know we will be doing.
Our best, Yeah, it's going to bea lot.
So just, you know, bear with us,OK?
Yeah, it's the tis the season for fuckery.
It's in the air. Literally, yes.
OK, I love it. All right, well.

(01:41:55):
Yeah, your royal self appointed monarch of procrastination out.
OK, she even had an outro all right.
Oh my God. Love y'all talk to you next week
go do your responsibilities. Responsibilities exactly.
Bye y'all.

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