22: Explosions, Hotdogs & Mud Crud

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:23):
Music. Hey, hey, hey, what is
happening, y'all? 4th of July tomorrow.
Anyways, what's up? What's up?
Who's your host Nikki coming at you from?
Well, I'm in Tennessee right nowwhile you're listening to this,
but I leave in a few hours anyways.

(00:44):
What's up? I sure you're like, y'all make
the boys say how 'cause they know I'm rocking the beat.
I'm your host, Shamara. Oh, God.
Coming in as Little Nicky. OK, got it.
That was disturbing. Thank you.
Jennifer Coolidge and Little Nicky had a love child.
That's who you just heard from. Welcome back to the sauce box.

(01:05):
Yes, welcome back to the sauce box.
Oh my gosh, you guys, we are going to do our goddamn best
with you. We are fucking delusional
because we're exhausted. We had the mud run today, that
Sunday that we were recording this and we're tired.
It was like 91° and we were out sloshing around in mud and

(01:29):
jogging, walking, just. It was a lot.
It was a lot of fun, but. We're tired, man.
I felt like a literal pig in mud.
Yeah, anyways, so you know. We'll tell you about that a
little bit later at the end. Yeah, we're going to save the
juicy shit for the last. It's not actually juicy.

(01:49):
I don't know what I'm talking about, Crusty.
That's that's going to make the people stay.
Crust. But crust.
Oh, my God, I you know, so many stories that I want to share
about this run, but this one's gonna be an unhinged episode, so

(02:10):
hold on to your butts. Yeah, we're a little bit
delusional. We're very.
If you all could see us right now, it's it's kind of a sad,
sad thing right now, a little bit.
But our eyes are like half open.You know it's gonna make for an
entertaining episode, so. Yeah, well let's hope so anyway.
So anyways, tomorrow is 4th of July y'all and we are going to

(02:33):
start with some. I don't know what Samara's got
for you, but I'm just speaking on my stuff.
I have some funny stuff, but I also have some shit that makes
you just kind of like, oh I don't know if I want to layoff
fireworks. I definitely don't want to be
any around any fucking idiots lighting fireworks, that's for
damn sure. That's for damn sure.
Yeah, fuck, I got some facts about the US flag.
OK, I had to really try for saying flag correctly because

(02:58):
the the Northern America in me wanted to say flag, flag.
I've never heard anybody say that.
Oh, I do it with plastic bags bags.
I have to think to say bags. I don't know.
Interesting. So that and then I just got some
random 4th of July, 4th of July,the 4th of July facts and fun

(03:21):
things de lie, de lie. Cool, cool.
Well, before we dive into that, outside of the mud run, I know
you've been exhausted as fuck 'cause you've been working like
some crazy ass long hours this last week.
It's been the worst. She sent me a text, I think it
was Thursday, and she was like at the end of her day Thursday,

(03:42):
she said I have driven 1600 miles and so of course I'm like,
how far? What place is 1600 miles from
here? Actually, she gave me a very
specific mileage and I Googled that and Kansas City, KS.
I was like, oh, you could have driven to Kansas City, KS.
OK, I drove all last week. In total 2027 miles.

(04:04):
You could have driven to Kansas City, MO Actually.
Damn. Yeah, could have driven to
Kansas City, MO. Or you could have driven to the
fictional town of Arlen, Texas from King of the Hill.
Ohio. Hell yeah.
Or St. Louis, MO or Pittsburgh, PA.
Damn. Yeah, that's a lot of fucking

(04:26):
driving, bro. I know that's crazy.
Crazy. Just basically.
Yeah, just one week. It makes me also think about all
the times that I drove from Tulsa back up to Washington,
like Ellensburg or Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, That's like a a 29
hour drive from there and I and the miles is longer than when I

(04:48):
drove this week and I was like, I did that by myself in a matter
of like 2 days. Yeah, what was wrong with me?
Dude, you were young. When we're young, we couldn't
fucking do shit that we can't dowhen we're older.
And and also when we're young, Ifeel like we're like, yeah,
cool, it's an adventure. When we're older, we're like,
yeah, fuck that. It sounds like hell.
I don't care that much. Like, how bad do I want to see

(05:11):
these motherfuckers? Not bad enough to drive.
Two days there and then two daysback.
Fuck that. You know what?
I'll call you guys. How's that?
Yeah. FaceTime later.
Perfect. Love it.
Yeah. So work has been long hours,
which in other jobs wouldn't be so bad.
But since I drive, I am not a trucker.

(05:32):
There's a reason I'm not a trucker.
I don't want to drive those kindof miles.
I don't want to have those kind of hours under my belt every
day. No shit.
So I've been worn out. It's been a crazy month.
It doesn't sound fun. No, this month has been wild.
I honestly, I can't believe, I mean, when you guys are
listening to this, we're alreadyinto July, but we're recording
on Sunday the 29th. So it's just like this month has

(05:55):
flown by. I mean, you guys have listened
each week, so, you know, it's like we've had graduation,
graduation show, burlesque, fucking grad party and
Juneteenth and Father's Day and just like just one thing going
after another, just like, yeah, constant just go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go. I.
Don't like it? I like being at home.

(06:16):
I mean, I miss my bed. I don't, I don't mind it.
I just, I'm not like a fan of mymy weekends like every single
weekend being full to the point where I'm like, well, shit, now
I'm just exhausted for Sunday. But I do like it a lot better
than not having anything going on really on the weekends.
But I also am kind of like I like to be out and doing stuff.

(06:38):
And so it was nice for me. It was it's just I haven't been
that busy in a long time. And so it was kind of low and
yeah, yeah, but last week was pretty, pretty chill for me for
the most part. It was just playing a lot of
catch up from all the craziness of the month and, you know,
getting things ready at work so that I could be gone for a week

(07:00):
and doing the things that I needto do for that, you know, end of
the month, beginning of the month kind of stuff.
And yeah, just kind of prepping,you know, the home and the
business for me being gone and yeah, so.
Very excited for your trip. I'm so excited for my trip, so I
am actually not even going to goto sleep tonight because I have
nighter. Yeah, I have to be at the

(07:22):
airport at 4:00 in the morning, so I'm like, why the fuck would
I go to sleep four? Yeah, you.
Yeah, but I did that so that I get into Atlanta pretty early,
so I wanted to get there like kind of as early as possible.
So yeah, that's fair. So, you know, whatever, I'll
sleep on the plane. It's fine.

(07:43):
I'll I'm sure I'd never sleep onplanes, but I'm pretty sure I'm
going to be tired enough that I will sleep on the plane.
I was. Going to say we talked about
this before. But I've never been tired enough
like because normally when I book my flights, I book it like
times when I'm wide awake and you know, I wouldn't normally
sleep. But I'm not a napper, so.
Well, after today, you'll probably sleep on the plane.
I have been up since 6:30 this morning.

(08:05):
Yeah. Why'd you get up that early?
I fucking couldn't sleep, dude. I just kept waking up and kept
waking up and I was like, fuck it, whatever I saw with Six or I
was like, whatever, I'm just going to start getting ready.
I'll go get me and Piper something to eat.
I'm going to go to Dutch and getproud to drink.
I know. I almost texted you to say, hey,
I got us something to eat this morning.
We both had breakfast burritos. I was like, oh.
My God, I'm so proud. That's.

(08:27):
Amazing. Well done.
Thanks. These bitches never eat fucking
breakfast. Nope.
Nope. Yeah.
So no. Anyways, yeah, I'm, I'm excited.
It's going to be, it's going to be a really fun trip.
And I feel like it's going to fly by because Monday we're
going to spend the day in Atlanta.
Tuesday and Wednesday, we don't have anything planned, but it's

(08:48):
also supposed to be pretty stormy there.
And then Wednesday the 3rd, we're going to see Band Of
Horses. Oh, I forgot about that.
In a fucking cave. In a cave, which I'm really
excited about. And then the 4th, we're gonna go
to some town nearby where they live and go to some crazy big
4th of July celebration, which would be cool.

(09:09):
And then back down to Atlanta, GA on Saturday.
And then I fly out that evening.So yeah.
Gonna be fun. It'll be good.
I'll be. Yeah, I'll be.
Hopefully. I just like, think about that.
Hopefully I can get an Uber to take me to the airport at 4:00
in the morning. Otherwise I need to.
Do taxis run that late? I don't know.
I need to figure out what my ride is going to be my ride.
I'm sure that. That your friend down there is

(09:32):
going to have answers for you, no.
No, no, I'm talking about from here to the airport.
Oh, yeah, because it's four. I have to be there at 4:00 in
the morning. And I don't know.
I mean, I'm sure there's probably some Uber drivers who
are just like, I can't sleep. Let's see if anybody needs a
ride. Please don't be a silly serial
killer. Yeah.

(09:53):
What was it? What was it?
What was that thing Piper was saying about serial killers and
like girls? Just like we love a man that can
make plans and stick by him and still surprise us.
That's why women like serial killers so much.
That's funny, I like that. Oh, it was pretty funny.

(10:14):
I don't like serial killers but it was funny.
It was funny, yeah. All right, well, let's dive into
this. Let's talk about some fireworks
shiznit, shall we? Yeah.
Blow me away, baby. Yeah.
You have no fucking idea. That concerns me.
You should be concerned because I'm going to start off with some

(10:36):
kind of funny stuff. But I will warn you at some
point it's going to get it. And I'm going to tell you before
I get into it, but it's going toget in some kind of pretty gross
shit, so. So bring on the cartage.
Yes, so, you know, like, fuck fireworks.
They're loud, they're destructive, shabbily made.

(10:57):
They're the perfect embodiment of America.
Ain't that the truth. No wonder we like to blow them
the fuck up on 4th of July. Preach.
Of course the use of such potentially destructive
materials should be handled withthe utmost care and only by
responsible adults. Responsible adults.
Just kidding, Fuck all that. It is a sacred tradition in this

(11:23):
fucking country to entrust the detonation of these badass
fireworks to only our most irresponsible and drunkest
citizens. This is sometimes their children
and sometimes their children. Hey, I did not say anything
about them being adults. I just said citizens.
That's. Touché.
OK, this is America, y'all. So if we're going to blow our
fucking hands off, we'll blow our fucking hands off, OK?

(11:47):
There ain't shit that anybody can do about it.
Ah, this smell of burning flesh is the smell of true freedom.
What? The fuck?
I'm just trying. To get y'all in the mood.
Oh my God, you guys excited to blow up fireworks tomorrow?
Oh. My God.

(12:08):
OK, so here are. Some don't mind me, I'll just be
wheezing. In the back, here are some
fucking stories from Deadspin readers that I found.
And these people nearly blinded themselves and injured others in
the name of patriotism. So fuck yeah.

(12:29):
Merkel, Fuck yeah. All right.
First story is by a fella named PJ.
He says In 2004 my friend and I drove to Pennsylvania to load up
on about $300 worth of fireworks.
We didn't know much about them, but bought the heavier things
available, including some mortarshells which shoot up and make a
real firework in the sky and thetube to shoot them out of.

(12:52):
We went to my friend's lake house for our usual 4th of 4th
of July barbecue and had been drinking all day per usual.
Correct? Right.
Like that's what we all do, get fucking drunk as hell on 4th of
July. Or if you don't drink stone,
just fuck. Exactly.
You're getting faded in some some sense of the word.
The sun went down and it was go time.
We grabbed A mortar, shoved it into the tube and lit the fuse.

(13:14):
Nothing happened. What we didn't realize was that
the tube was preloaded and another mortar was already
jammed in there. Oh no.
My friend grabbed the tube to investigate and as soon as he
picked it up, both mortars exploded and shot out Jesus no
into the box of all of our otherfireworks.
Oh my God. OK, I read this and you know the

(13:39):
scene I'm thinking of. Have you seen Lord of the Rings?
Yeah. OK, so in the very first movie,
you know, they get in, they accidentally set up all the
fucking. This is what I'm seeing, right?
You know, we had a 10A10 second window to panic, but we didn't
even think to do that. The entire box was on fire.
The ensuing explosions were likeWorld War Three, shooting past

(14:01):
everyone's heads, pelting housesand nearly setting trees on
fire. We ducked under cars and the
dogs jumped into the lake. My God, not the dogs.
My friend's face and chest were bloody and soot covered, and his
hand was burned and numb, but hesuffered no permanent damage.

(14:21):
The next door neighbor threw a punch at him and called the
sheriff. I highly recommend setting a box
of fireworks on fire all at once.
You know, I have wanted to see that that's he's lucky he has a
hand still both face and that hehas everything.

(14:43):
Yeah, and that everyone. Else has everything.
Oh my gosh. All right, my next story comes
from a fella by the name of Will.
Most of my family lives in Idaho, with my grandmother's
house being on a golf course. My uncle decided that this was a
perfect spot to set off some fireworks for the 4th.
He also had a terrible Jack Russell named Casper, who was a

(15:05):
poorly trained shithead. My uncle and his kids aren't
much on dog ownership and didn'treally bother to train the dog.
They had a pretty they had pretty standard fireworks,
nothing too impressive, just roaming candles, bottle rockets,
and other basics. Casper, who lives through this
story, we'll just say that now. OK, was off, was off the leash

(15:26):
running around doing the things that little shithead dogs do.
Then they lit a Roman candle. Casper decides that it's a toy.
He grabs the thing and runs off with it, and now we have a dog
running around with a lit roaming candle spewing balls of
fire. No one can catch the fucking
dog. Finally the Roman candle goes

(15:49):
out, but the dog refuses to comeback.
So my uncle decides to fight fire with fire.
That's not a good choice. And lights another Roman candle,
hoping to entice the dog back. It works, but there was not a
strategy to stop the dog once itgot the Roman candle.
So he swooped in, grabbed the second Roman candle, and took

(16:09):
off again. For fuck's sake, for real.
By this time, most of the familywas laughing too hard to
actually even chase the dog. He managed to He managed not to
catch anything on fire and eventually returned unscathed.
Fortunately, my uncle gave up onfiring any more roaming candles.
Thank God, what the fuck. What a enthusiastic dog.
It totally fits a Jack Russell though.

(16:30):
Those dogs are Cray Cray. I mean, I don't know, I've had
Jack Russell's and I love them, but they do.
They have. You're always trained.
Yeah, well, that's the thing. They have friends.
They have to be trained if you don't train them.
But I think that goes for like alot of dogs.
If they're not trained, they canall just kind of be shitheads.
If they're just like, cool, I can do whatever the fuck I want.
I'm a human. I'm a human.

(16:53):
OK, next story, Kyle. When I was about 10 years old, I
had a great idea to carefully unwind hundreds of puppets and
consolidate the gunpowder insideof them to create one giant
table napkin puppet. Can I just say that I've totally
done this. As a kid you would, and as an
adult I'm not surprised. After a couple of hours and no

(17:17):
supervision, I had a tennis ballsized poppet ready to throw at
the ground outside. OK, I've never made one that
big. That's pretty big.
That is pretty big. On my way out the door, I
somehow managed to drop this thing right on to the dining
room carpet, which obviously caught on fire.
Oh my God. Holy fuck bro, I managed to put
it out with bowls of water and mop all that up with towels, but

(17:41):
the damage to the carpet was done and I had to come clean
with my parents about it after coming up empty for a believable
way that it happened without me being a guilty party and the
whole thing. So yeah, I got grounded for
that. Fucking butterfingers.
For real. How do you just drop that?
Was he just, like, tossing up inthe air in his hand?
Just didn't catch it. Trip on something.

(18:04):
Damn it, Kyle, go back to the drywall.
All right, Next story, Ryan. When I was around 12, I would
babysit my mom's friend's kids who were just a few years
younger than me but too young tostay home alone.
The other kid was 10 and had a great collection of fireworks
that he would get when he'd visit his grandparents in parts

(18:24):
of the state where fireworks cells were less restricted.
Being the great babysitter that I was, we went out at dusk to
shoot off bottle rockets in the backyard.
A kid from next door saw and came over to join in on the
action on the neighbor kids turn.
He lit a bottle rocket fuse justas his pudgy younger brother
came walking around the corner with a hey guys, what you doing?

(18:44):
The bottle rocket wielding neighbor turned to face his
brother and the bottle rocket took off, travelled the 30 yards
or so to his brother and went straight to the pudgy kids
groin. Shit.
There was a brief moment where the rocket bounced up against
the kids, growing like a family bouncing against a clear glass
window. Then there was panic in his

(19:07):
eyes, like when Wiley Coyote knew that he was screwed.
He knew his fate. The bottle rocket exploded and
the pudgy kid stood there for a few seconds in shock before
screaming a little kid girlish scream and went running inside.
We chased him down because we had to make sure he wouldn't
tell his parents on us. As it was, the early 90s shirts
were still pretty short, so outside of some black powder

(19:29):
marks on his thighs, he was relatively unscathed.
The next time we launched the bottle rockets, we made a game
of it where the pudgy kid would stand on the other side of the
yard and we would all shoot bottle rockets at him.
We were never able to recreate the moment, so the first time
wasn't bad enough. They were like, hey, he didn't
get hurt. We're fine.
Let's hey, you know what? Go stand over there, actually,
and do it again. This is fun.

(19:49):
And the kid was like, yeah, let's.
Do it. This is what it means.
When people say boys will be boys, yeah, they're talking
about stupid shit like this for real.
But also, this is so the fucking90s though.
Oh my gosh. Yeah, All right.
Another story from somebody named Hushems.
Hushems. Hushems.
Hushems. I like it.

(20:10):
I do too. I'm like Hushems.
Yeah, Hushems. Well I was like 11 and was
thoroughly entrenched in my pyromaniac phase.
Me and my friends decided that it would be fun to strap
fireworks to all of our action figures and launch them into the
air. Who the fuck?
Wouldn't, I mean, that sounds great.
I remember those fairies that you had a little they would.
They had a magic. You'd hit a.

(20:31):
Button they'd like spit up. In the air and spin in there.
They had little wings that wouldcome out.
Yeah, I would absolutely do that.
Are you kidding me? Sounds awesome.
No. There used to be a toy that had
like a little rocket launcher thing and it was like basically
AGI Joe that went up in the air and then his parachute launched
and he came down with the parachute.
Yeah, yeah, Those were fun. I think he was.
I mean, those were fun. So I can see why, like, oh, put

(20:53):
something on there with fire. Yeah, Fuck yeah, why not?
I get behind that right now. Exactly, Exactly.
So. Well, as it turns out, they just
kind of melt into a BLOB and that don't actually go anywhere.
Oh. Shit got old fast and so we
picked up all the molten pieces of Stone Cold Steve Austin and
Luke Skywalker and just threw that shit in the dumpster.

(21:14):
Then we ran off to do some otherstupid shit.
Well, 15 minutes later some assholes banging on my front
door. What?
He says. Well, I'm not sure if you
realize this, but your dumpster is on fire.
No, I didn't realize it. Fuck face.
Damn the flames were no joke. At least 15 feet high.

(21:34):
Oh my God this is a plastic dumpster so the whole thing is
just melting away into my lawn full of diapers and shit and all
the nasty shit that an 11 year old throws away.
Being too stupid to use the hosein the front of the house.
Me and my friend were running out the fucking saucepans full
of water and throwing it on it like a fucking bucket brigade.

(21:56):
Oh. My God.
It eventually stops raging, but now it's just a molten shit pile
burnt into my front yard. And of course, cue my father
pulling into the driveway, flipping the fuck out on me and
my friend. You better get the fuck out of
here. Don't come back for at least a
week. Yeah, my dad was both an asshole

(22:16):
and very judicious with his punishments.
Everybody's in trouble. And me spending the next few
hours inhaling toxic fumes and bagging up half burnt diapers
full of shit. Well bruh, it serves you right.
But think a little bit longer next time, right?
No kidding. Damn.

(22:37):
All right. This story is some tall flames.
For real. 15 feet high. I'm like, that's almost as tall
as like a one story house. Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, that would have been terrifying if I was.
Yeah, that's. Over 2 of me it's a lot.
That's crazy. That's a lot of flame.
Jesus Christ. Next story.
Bye. By somebody who came in as

(22:58):
Jughead. We used to have bottle rocket
wars when I was a kid. This involved kids hiding in
bushes on opposite ends of our yard, haphazardly firing bottle
rockets at one another from handheld tennis ball cans.
Bottle rockets aren't very accurate, so the hit rate was
pretty low and they don't do much damage.
My parents knew about it and allbut encouraged it, Which now

(23:18):
seems odd that I have kids in myown.
Yeah, well, welcome to the time when we grew up.
Anyway, one New Year's Eve when I was about 12 years old, we
were having a bottle rocket war when a buddy of mine jumped up
and came screaming across the expanse of the front yard like
William Wallace with a lit Romancandle pointed at my face.

(23:40):
Note Roman candles were expressly forbidden by the rules
of bottle rocket war, and there was no ambiguity here.
It started firing off balls of fire, as Roman candles do.
I took a roaming candle fireballdirectly to my left eye.
Oh shit, my eye was literally fried shut.

(24:00):
Oh my God, I thought I was blindand began screaming
incoherently. My mom took me inside and put a
wet rag on my eye, whereupon after about 10 minutes, the eye
opened and I was able to see outof it again, and then I was
allowed to return to the Are youkidding me?
Well, you didn't die. Go ahead, keep having fun.
Stan's eyebrows or eyelashes on the left side.

(24:21):
My friend suffered no repercussions for his brazen
Roman candlery. I had a black eye that I wore
like a badge of honor for two weeks.
Yeah, the 90s were a lawless time.
No shit. Absolutely.
I read that. That was just.
Don't have your eye? OK, go back out there.
You're fine. You're good.
You're fine. But did you die?

(24:42):
No. Great, go back outside.
That was literally like the the standard of rule that most
parents in the 80s and 90s went by.
I was like, but did you die? Are you hemorrhaging blood?
OK, you're fine. Yeah.
Is there a bone sticking out of your flesh?
You're probably fine. Go play limp along.
You got this. Limp along.

(25:05):
Shoo shoo. OK Pete.
So Pete's story, I don't know, he must have left off part of
this, but he's basically it starts part way through the
story. It says 2 years later I was
writing with a lady friend and decided it would be a good idea
to throw an M80 out of the window while I was driving.
As I went to throw it out, a carcame around the corner so I
jerked it back inside. I lost the tip of my finger and

(25:27):
the girl's hair ended up Catching Fire.
We also both ended up temporarily deaf.
Yeah, I'm not very good with theladies.
You don't say it must have smelled like shit in there flesh
and hair, I mean hair already smells terrible.
Oh my God, I know. It's fucking terrible.
OK, next story is from Mike. Sometime in September when I was

(25:49):
in fifth grade, my friend Pat from across the street and I
were walking to school at about 8:30 AM in a peaceful North
Seattle neighborhood at the time.
We met up with a couple other kids along the way, and Pat
opened up his lunch bag to reveal a dozen or so M 80s that
his older brother still had fromthe past summer.
These are fucking 5th graders with M 80s.
Are you fucking kidding me rightnow?

(26:10):
I would never like. I grew up during this time and
it shocks me so. Pat lit a couple in the gravel
alongside the street and it sentpebbles scattering in all
directions, then always caught the attention of a few others.
And so we quickly had a group ofmaybe 10 boys trying to think of
what else we could blow up. Sounds about right.
Yes, this was 1983. That tracks still the free range

(26:35):
kid era. I like that it's so accurate.
Free range kids, none of us accompanied by parents on the
mile or so walk to school. I noticed in a nearby front lawn
a pile of dog shit gleaming in the morning sun, and I thought
to myself, you know what, that would be the coolest thing to
see explode. So Pat handed me an M80 and a

(26:57):
BIC lighter and I made my way over to the pile of crap.
I bent over the pile, stuck the AM 80 all the way into it with
only the fuse visible, lit the fuse and begin to run away.
The poop exploded before I was even able to turn around and
watch though. Everyone else was laughing their
asses off at how awesome it was to see.
We then continued our along our way to school.

(27:19):
There was an occasional point inlaughing for the next 20 or so
minutes until I got into class with me thinking I was
everybody's hero. It took Mr. Burton pointing out
to me that something was wrong with my appearance and the
smell. Turns out due to the unfortunate
combination of a quick fuse and my short legs covering very
little distance, I hadn't made it out of the blast radius in

(27:41):
time and my back was splattered with dog shit.
I got sent to the office to change into clothes from the
lost and found. I was a sad hero dressed in
loser clothes. So dramatic.
Oh my God, all those kids didn'tsay a damn thing to him.

(28:04):
No, they probably thought it washilarious.
Obviously they were laughing thewhole fucking time.
He thought they were laughing. That's how cool it was.
It's. Amazing he didn't smell this
shit. Right.
How? Right?
He just was so unaware of how henormally smells.
That's bonkers. OK, so that's the end of the

(28:25):
funnies. These are some darker firework
horror stories, and please, let's use these as like a
warning for tomorrow and even tonight if you're lighting shit
off tonight. But for tomorrow, you guys be
safe. Be smart.
Fuck, fireworks can cause some real fucking damage.
So here's the shit that's not funny.
Tim says we knew a girl whose parents owned a storage lot and

(28:49):
she had a double wide on the lotproperty.
She decided to have a 4th of July bash and there were about
30 people partying. When you're 22 and living in New
Mexico, that shit is as good as it gets.
My buddy happened to have some ecstasy and we decided to have
several. No, I can't remember how many
pills to keep the drunk in checkand to support a boner anytime

(29:10):
we touch the shoulder of a fine young lady.
Come fireworks time, my friend decided he wanted to light a
sparkler bomb. This consisted of getting as
many sparklers, the plains, the plain silver generic sparklers,
and wrapping them tightly with electrical tape with one
sparkler pushed out to act as a fuse.
So everyone watches in anticipation.
As my friend lights the fuse, itgoes out.

(29:33):
So instead of calling it quits and counting his blessings, he
relights the fuse and click click light.
Boom, a huge explosion with my buddy not more than two feet
away. He immediately shouts a scream
that is Sharapova approved and hits the pavement.
I need water. Water for my eyes.

(29:56):
At this point someone actually has a gallon of water on hand.
I grab that shit and immediatelypour it down his throat in my
eyes. The injured shouts.
But I keep I keep my focus and keep pouring it down as drowning
esophagus. Oh my God.
I eventually worked my way up tohis eyes and the ambulance was
called. They took him to the hospital
and I informed his mother who isa nurse and we continued with

(30:19):
the party. A little shaken.
After some reflecting on our friend's misfortune whilst
gazing upon the fire, I decided it'd be a good idea to lighten
the mood by walking over hot coals.
Now when you walk on coals they should be ashed over.
These were not. As my feet melted into the death

(30:40):
fire, I realized that ecstasy, booze, fireworks, actual fire,
and the need to be noticed do not mix.
There's no kidding. Long story short, I'm awake for
two days straight with gigantic throbbing blisters on my feet.
My friend, who is my roommate, walks through the door with

(31:01):
gauze over his eyes. These guys are so fucking
stupid. Walks, first of all, like, how
is he walking through with gauzeover his eyes?
He's just like, not feeling stumbling around and shit.
Probably. This sounds like more injuries
waiting to happen. Are you not hurt enough?

(31:23):
He walks the door with gauze over his eyes and tells me the
horrific story of seeing tweezers enter my eyes to get
the shrapnel out. Yeah.
He then grabs A duffel bag, fills it full of clothes and
tells me we can't party for a while, you're fucking crazy, and
then pieces out for a few weeks.So fuck ecstasy and fuck

(31:47):
fireworks. Well, yeah, when you're fucking
stupid. Yeah, no kidding.
So I was to go into my brain's not braining.
So since you're talking about these 4th of July horror
stories, I was thinking how muchdo ER visits Spike during the

(32:10):
4th of July and July 5th? Oh, I bet it's a lot.
It is so everyone. Keep this in mind listening to
the next few stories from Nikki.On average, more than 45,000
people in visit the US hospital emergency rooms for treatment of
injuries on July 4th and 5th. Nearly 91,000 in total, by far

(32:32):
the highest daily numbers in theentire year. 91,000 people.
Mm hmm. Wow.
By comparison, the average dailynumber of injury related visits
over the summer months, so June,July and August, is about
40,700. Holy shit it more than double S.
More than double S on the 4th and the 5th.

(32:53):
Wow, just those two days. That's.
Just those two days it almost double S.
So keep that in mind with these other stories yeah 'cause dude,
these should all be a fucking warning to everybody.
It made me nervous. And I love fireworks yeah.
I like all the pretty colors andthe sounds yeah, I like lighting
shit on fire. And exactly boom.

(33:14):
Same. I also like keeping all my
giblets in in place. Exactly.
So as I go through these stories, they're gonna get more
and more horrific, just so you guys know.
So this next story just it's gonna sound real awful.
And yes, it does. Even they do get worse than this
one. OK, this story, bring on the.
Oh, I'm bringing the fucking carnage.

(33:35):
Hell yeah. I just felt like when you said
that it just Venom. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I wish I was as cool as Venom. Me too.
I fucking love Venom. I still need to see the new
Venom movie, she says. Did you know Mom fucking loved
Venom? What?
Yeah, loved Venom. Mom was pretty cool, so that
tracks. Yeah, OK.

(33:57):
All right, Dan, we had some Hillrod neighbors who made the
trip from Chicago burbs to Indiana for some big fireworks.
Hold on, what the fuck is a Hillrod neighbor?
I don't know. Is that their way of saying like
a redneck? But they came from Chicago, the
Chicago suburbs. If you're from Chicago, let us
know 'cause I don't know what the hell that means.

(34:18):
Yeah, let us know. Anyways.
They came from Chicago to the toIndiana for some big fireworks.
The mortars and whatnot that aren't for sale in Illinois.
After countless hours of big time fireworks, the neighbors
and their front yard crowd of about 15 move on to the next
display. Straight black powder packed
into a thick metal pipe with a short fuse.

(34:40):
Does this sound fucking horrible?
Sounds like a really bad idea. I'm like, sounds like a fucking
pipe bomb is what it sounds likeit does.
Pretty sure those are illegal. OK, this is these stories are
really hard for me to read. I just want you guys to know
that well, if you want to tap out because I have no problem.
I also like I'm imagining like I'm seeing this play in my mind

(35:03):
while I'm reading this and I'm fucking absolutely horrified.
OK, sorry. I know you guys are like just
fuck you. Tell us already, OK?
Deep breath as she rubs her tummy.
OK, the next display, it's straight black powder packed
into a thick metal pipe with a short fuse because fucking why
not, but by this point all they wanted was the type of noise

(35:25):
that you could feel in your chest and make your ears ring.
Anyway, this went on for a whilewithout incident, but the
continual blast must have taken a toll on the pipe.
They pack it up again and light it off.
Same result, huge explosion, butthis time the blast is met with
screams instead of clapping and beer chugs.
The top portion of the pipe had blown clean off with the blast

(35:47):
and hit a girl bystander square in the jaw from the side and
took her lower mandible clear off.
Holy shit. Oh my fucking God.
Yeah, Oh my God, yeah, I was notlean off fucking joking.
Fuck, the scene described to me year after year was straight out

(36:09):
of a Horror Story. The girl screaming with a tongue
hanging out of her face until she until she passed out from
shock. Her teeth everywhere.
Suffice it to say, I'm the nervous one around fireworks
because of hearing this story every single year.
That is horrific. Just especially not even being

(36:30):
part of that group. Just being a bystander bro.
Oh. That is horrific.
Yeah, and I will say, like I have some friends that do some
kind of crazy shit with fireworks.
And once they get to like the crazy shit like that, I always
make sure that me and my girls are very, very far away because
I'm like, dude, I don't fucking trust any.
Like, I don't even want to be anywhere where shrapnel could
fucking hit me. Like I watch for one time, I

(36:52):
even fucking leave because I'm like, yeah, I don't want to be a
part of this. Yeah, that's dangerous.
I I that's. Insane.
They get worse than that. That's what I'm saying.
They get fucking worse than that.
That's pretty bad. Yeah, I actually had this one of
my socks to be blown off. Not part of my fucking face.
Bro, I I had to stop looking these stories up because they

(37:14):
were so fucking disturbing. And I will tell you if you guys
Google idiots and fireworks, theInternet is chock full of these
horrible stories. So if that's something that you
are into and you like to hear those stories or read those
stories or whatever. Internet will provide.
OK, next story from a guy named Phil.
OK, I got to prepare myself for these stories.

(37:36):
Loosa. OK I was working in TV in TV
news a few years ago and had to work on the 4th of July.
I was in production and had to listen to police scanners for
anything we could cover. The weather had been really nice
and news was slow so by 9:30 theonly people left in The Newsroom
were an emergency on call photographer, 2 anchors and me.

(37:56):
We had the show almost done whenthe weather got nasty.
Severe thunderstorms first and then a tornado warning.
The scanner had been busy all night due to firework calls.
The tornado warning set it into OverDrive with various spotters
calling in the tornado sightings.
We were all scrambling to fit the weather into the show right
up until about 5 minutes before 10.

(38:17):
The anchors were finally headingto the set when a muffled call
came across the scanner that said a guy blew his head off
with a firework. Oh fuck.
The dispatcher repeated the callback again, but this time it
said it was a hand, not a head. We'd already sent the
photographer to one of the tornado damage spots, and no, we

(38:38):
didn't have anybody that could go and check it out.
A hand injury on the 4th is nothing, so we let it go.
Yeah, happens all the time. Hand injuries.
Oh, Guy lost his hand. Yeah, that's just every day.
Yeah, not ever. That's yesterday's news.
I don't know about y'all, but I like having two hands.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. The next morning I got to work

(38:59):
and heard a guy had somehow procured a few shells from a
commercial fireworks show or thegovernment, depending on who you
asked. He had rigged one of them up
with a fuse and fired it off successfully early in the night.
His neighbors in the trailer park said the second one wasn't
so successful. The homemade fuse didn't ignite
the shell. The guy leaned over to try to

(39:20):
light it again and kaboom, headless.
Oh, so it wasn't a hand? The crew that went to cover it
the next day had to step over pieces of the guy in the street
to get the video. They talked to his wife and
asked her to send in a picture to use in the story.
And of course, she sends in a headshot.
Well, you know what the rest of them looks like.

(39:43):
Bro he blew his fucking head offwith a firework you guys.
That was a homemade one that No,no, no, no, that was from.
It was a commercial firework. Or the government.
Or the government, either way. Wow.
Oh, so the the fuse was homemade?
The fuse was homemade and then it didn't light.
And so he's like, oh, let me just put my head over it and see

(40:05):
what's going on here. That's like looking down the
barrel of a loaded gun. Like there are some things that
you just don't do. That's one of them.
Well, I just named two things. Those are two things you just
don't do. That's.
Wow. Pretty terrible.
Pretty terrible. OK, now I'm gonna move into a
subreddit called Fireworks Gone Wrong, which is full of idiots

(40:29):
who have done dumb ass shit withfireworks.
I watch Provide. These are stories.
These are videos and stuff that I've watched.
So yeah, I watched. I was very brave of you.
It was really disturbed. I'm so disturbed by fireworks
right now, which is I'm kind of pissed off about.
So thanks a lot. Fucking idiots.
I watched a video of a teen boy laughing while lighting a

(40:50):
firework on a public bus that looked to be filled with mostly
school aged kids. He lights and this is a firework
that comes with its own stand. OK, he's holding the holding it
by the stand and he's like should I do it?
He lights the fucking firework and then he's like, oh shit.

(41:10):
And everybody realizes he actually lit the firework and
all the kids start ducking down and screaming.
And these kids are all probably like anywhere from, I don't
know, I'd say 12 years old to probably like 16 years old.
Oh my gosh. He's like holding it around
fucking aim, like trying to figure out where to aim it
because now he's like, holy shit, I didn't actually think
this through. I'm not sure where to aim this

(41:31):
because everywhere there's a person and all the windows are
closed, it fucking goes off. Sparks everywhere, the kids are
screaming, the bus fills with smoke and fucking sparks and and
the bus stops obviously because there's some fucking shit
happening and you just hear a teen boy in the background
saying you fucking idiot. Don't know how that ended.

(41:54):
I hope everyone was OK. So do I, and I'm pretty sure
that kid, Probably. Got his ass.
Beat well, and I'm sure you got some time in juvie, probably.
That's pretty major, bro, especially if people got hurt.
Yeah. Damn.
Then there was a link to a YouTube video of a teen girl

(42:14):
lying on her stomach in a bikiniwith a bottle rocket wedged
between her ass cheeks. Why?
I don't know, cuz they're stupid.
When it finally goes off, instead of shooting up into the
sky, as I'm sure they thought that it was going to do, it tips
over onto her back, shoots across her body, up towards her

(42:34):
head, down over her head. Now it's like at the ground and
the flames are at her face. Oh fuck yeah.
It catches her fucking hair on fire and her tail on fire and
then explodes. Yeah, just like just.
Just a little bit longer. Just a little.
Bit longer couple seconds. Another very disturbing video in

(42:59):
the fireworks gone wrong subreddit is of a teen wearing
leather gloves. He looks to be probably, I don't
know. I'd say he's probably about 15
or 16 years old, maybe 17. This one sucks.
Like I highly don't recommend watching this video.
Anyway. So he's wearing what looks to be
like leather gloves holding a glass bottle, and then his

(43:20):
friend comes, lights a mortar and drops it into the bottle
upside down. I mean, props for at least
thinking about oh, maybe leathergloves will help.
Yeah, but then you fucking have it in a glass bottle.
I know, I'm just trying to give credit where there's a little
credit to be due. Right, Right.
Yeah. So any Silver Linings here?
The friend lights the mortar andhe runs away.

(43:43):
The other friend stands there, continues to hold the bottle
instead of setting it on the ground and running away as he
should have. The mortar explodes.
There's silence, and then a second later, you hear the kid
screaming, Oh my God, my hand's gone, my hand's gone.
Call an ambulance. And then the video ends with the

(44:05):
kid that was taking the videos, like, oh, shit.
Obviously he, like, drops his phone.
And then at the very end of the video is a photo, and it's this
kid. He just has a nub and a pinky
finger. Oh shit, that's real dumb.
Yeah. I remember 1617 years old, he
fucking blew his hand off. Hope it wasn't his dominant

(44:28):
hand. I remember the few times with I
think it was around mom or some some family and we had bottle
rockets and we were dropping in them into glass bottles.
And I remember everyone being like make sure you put it in
this way and then run away. Don't hold on it, put it on the

(44:50):
ground, light it and then move the fuck away.
No one told them about this. Nobody.
No one told them instructions dude.
It's, yeah, just the stupid shit.
I'm not going to get into any more of these fucking extremely
horrific and disastrous videos or stories, but let me tell you

(45:11):
that there were some with adult men too, not just teens.
Like it was all walks of life that were doing stupid, dumb
shit with fireworks and every single person either seriously
injured themselves or injured somebody else who was a
bystander. And people were, there were

(45:33):
people who were blinded. There were people who went into
the hospital with third degree burns.
Like they fucking literally caught on fire.
There were people who lost hands, their fingers, fucking
their face. Like their heads.
Their, yeah, their heads. The number of people that have
misused fireworks and completelyfucked themselves up absolutely

(45:56):
blows my mind. And as Samara pointed out
earlier, that number's pretty fucking massive considering that
two days out of July have more than double the number of
emergency visits than the entirethree months of summer.
Yeah, that in those other numbers are like sunstroke near

(46:18):
drownings, burns insane. Yeah, I had to stop watching the
videos. They were just, they were
getting way too disturbing for me.
And it's just not that I don't like watching shit like that.
Like I don't even like watching like the videos where, you know,
people get hurt doing like, you know, skateboarder bike tricks,
like, and they just like rack their nuts or like fall weird on
their head. Like I can't even watch that.

(46:38):
Shit. I was really surprised that you
went down this road. I was like, oh, you're gonna
brave it, OK? This was not where I was.
I'm planning to go. This is what happened to me.
First I was like. I need to change my Google
search. This is too horrible for me.
I don't like this kind of stuff.I don't want to be traumatized.
Fucking terrible. So anyways, all right, Samara,

(46:59):
it's your turn. Hopefully you're you're I'll.
Turn it around. Thank you you guys, please
fucking be safe tomorrow. Yeah, for the sake of yourself,
but also the people around you, yes.
Think of the people around you too, teenagers.
You don't want to be responsiblefor blowing some person's jaw
clean off of their face. And who cares if people think
that you're nagging? Fucking tell everybody that's

(47:21):
doing fireworks around you that you're doing fireworks with.
Hey, be careful. Don't do that.
Don't fucking use fireworks in away that they're not meant to
fucking be. Used you guys have a no
tolerance policy or something? Yeah, be smart about it if you
give a fuck about. Safety is hot.
OK yeah, just like consent, safety, sex, brat, summer,
hoochie daddy summer. Well, what goes in with that is

(47:42):
safety is hot, so I include that.
Oh. My God.
OK, I need something to take my mind off of this because this
shit was not fun for me. I know you're like, fidgety.
Looking around the room, my palms are sweaty.
I just. I feel nauseous.
Like I hate this so much. So fucking much.
This is not my. This is why I don't even read
horror stories, you guys. I can't even.

(48:03):
Yeah. I mean, granted, this stuff was
all true, but still. Still, yeah, it's usually the
the true stuff that gets under me.
I like it when it's fake. Yeah.
There's the the distinction for me.
I like the gore and stuff when it's bait anyway.
So I wanted to include a couple of things out of the
Constitution about the the flag.Oh, OK.

(48:26):
You know, for education sake. Yeah.
OK. Yeah.
Because I feel like this is stuff that people don't think
about or even know about becausewe see these things happen all
over the place. So there's just 4 real quick
things and then I'll get into some fun random stuff I.
Love it. You're coming with education.
Yeah, I'll hit you with a littleeducations.

(48:47):
Love it. So out of code 8, which is
respect for the flag, one says the flag should never be
displayed with the union side down except as a signal for dire
distress and instances of extreme danger to life or
property. So, and basically flying the
flag upside down and then we have the flag should never be

(49:10):
used as wearing apparel, beddingor drapery, which as we all
know, there's cowboy boots and overalls and shirts and shorts
and everything that have the US flag all over it.
So actually it's pretty unconstitutional care about
that. All of this is.
Then we have the flag should never be.
With that one though, I think the way people see it more now

(49:33):
isn't that the flag being in apparel, It's more like having
an actual American flag and draping it around you like a
Cape or a shawl or some kind of covering like that.
Like I know a lot of people do find that very disrespectful,
but I mean, I'm sure it could probably apply to apparel.
I know for me personally, well, it literally says it.

(49:53):
You can't be using it wearing apparel, so as clothing apparel
or bedding or as a curtain, you know.
Any of those things. Any of those.
Things. And then the third one is the
flag should never be placed uponit, nor on any part of it, nor
attached to it any mark, Insignia, letter, word, figure,

(50:16):
design, picture or drawing of any nature.
So no signing of a United Statesflag anything like that?
Don't sew anything on it. Paint anything on it.
Nothing. So the other one is not to have
the the flag on anything that isdispensable.
So napkins, plates, cutlery, because it's symbolically

(50:38):
throwing the the flag away. Because if you have the a flag
that is damaged to any degree, it is to be taken down properly,
never touched the ground, foldedrespectfully, there's a certain
way to do it, and then burned. Oh, and then burned.
I believe it's, it's burned because in the triangle, I could

(51:00):
be wrong about that, but disposed of in a respectful way.
Can't touch the ground water or anything like that.
So I knew that. Yeah.
That's interesting. So I know a lot of people don't
know that that's in the Constitution, but it's it's
literally in the Constitution. Not to have it as clothing your
4th of July cups or napkins withthe flag on it or boots or

(51:24):
whatever. So crazy.
Just knowledge something Knowledge is power.
So something to consider. Yeah, so fun random shit now.
OK, thanks for that little history lesson.
Hell yeah. None of us probably really know
too much about what's in the Constitution.
I feel like the Constitution is like the Bible.
People kind of just like, well, I know this one thing about it
and that's what I'm going to kind of, you know, go about.

(51:45):
They don't really check out anything else because you have
people just like with the Bible,you have people who are just
like with the Constitution, they're like, this is my right.
And then they're also like, you know, like this is my freaking
5th Amendment or this is my Second Amendment or whatever.
And then they're going around wearing the American flag.
Yeah, it's, it's kind of cherry picked, but I don't think it's,
at least I don't think it's always intentional.

(52:09):
I think you just don't know whatyou don't know.
It's ignorance. Yeah, it's ignorance, and not in
a bad intentional way. It's not intentional ignorance.
I wouldn't say it's just becausewe just we don't know the
Constitution. Growing up I I remember learning
some of it back in like fucking elementary, late elementary, but
never again. Well, that's the thing.

(52:30):
That's what I'm saying. Like, yeah, we're taught about
the Constitution and like, bits and pieces here and there, like
I learned about it in high school.
But it's not something that anything anybody like any
schools really like delve into, you know, to like, hey, let's
really study the Constitution and what that means.
Yeah, so you know, again, knowledge is power.
So now you guys know a little bit more about what is in the

(52:52):
Constitution in regards to the flag since 4th of July.
You know I love that. Also the independence, The
Declaration of Independence wasn't actually signed on July
4th. It's a misconception, so thanks
for that. Yep, you're welcome.
Get you all learnt shit. All right.
Bar Harbor, ME lobster races. What is this like a tradition?

(53:16):
A 4th of July tradition? Yep.
OK, lobster races. How do you race a lobster?
I don't know, but nothing screams independence like
betting on a sea bug sluggishly scooting across the finish line.
You go Maine. OK.
Now Americans, man, do we love our hot dogs.

(53:39):
But what we? Tell you Americans eat about 150
million hot dogs on July 4th. Holy shit I need to buy stock
and hot dogs. That is enough hot dog to
stretch from DC to LA more than five times.

(53:59):
Holy shit. According to the National Hot
Dog and Sausage Council, that's a lot of fucking hot.
Dogs. There's a fucking national hot
dog and sausage Council is just hilarious to me.
I love that it's national. Oh my God.
OK, so in modern day about 16,000 firework displays light

(54:23):
up the skies annually, with small towns typically spending
between 8015 thousand on their shows.
Wow. I think about the the town I
grew up and I was like y'all had$15,000 to spend on fireworks.
That's crazy. Like a bunch of farmers and
college kids. Right.

(54:43):
Where's this money coming from? No shit.
They have a firework fund, I'm sure.
Oh, they got it. I'm sure.
Like, you know, there's like some tiny percentage of taxes
that go into the firework fund each.
Year yeah yeah, there's got to be still that's wild that is
wild because I always that's something that I was like I
think about every 4th like how much did how much did you spend

(55:04):
on this Yeah how much money is blowing up in the sky into
pretty colors and signs oh moneyfire.
This is raining down money this is the ash.
That's kind of what it feels like sometimes.
All right, so the famed Macy's firework show in New York City

(55:24):
uses more than 75,000 firework shells and it costs about.
Can you guess? $100,000 no, I'm going to say
$60,000 six million. What?
Holy fuck I was so not. So not even the same

(55:45):
neighborhood Holy. Shit, holy fuck. 60 No 6 million
6,075,000 firework shells. Holy fuck.
You know what's crazy? I only knew about the Macy's
parade for Thanksgiving. I had no, I had no idea Macy's
did a fireworks show. I didn't neither. 6 million

(56:05):
$1,000,000 on a firework show. I feel like that needs to be
added to my fucking bucket list.If they are spending six mil on
fireworks I need to see that show.
Mm hmm like New York goes hard apparently.
Fuck dude for real. Holy shit I had no idea.
And then the last one that we got is Nathan's Famous Hot Dog

(56:27):
Eating Contest. It's held annually on July 4th.
Open my mouth. In 2018, champion Joey Chestnut
874 hot dogs with buns in 10 minutes.
Oh God no, literally that makes me gag so hard.
Oh, that's that. Man is good at at taking Dick.

(56:51):
I'm taking a glizzy to the throat he's had.
A lot of practice. He probably gives good head.
I bet he can Deep Throat like a motherfucker.
Yeah dude, that's insane. 74 hotdogs with the buns in 10
minutes. How the fuck do you?
Fit that in your stomach. I could eat 2 in 10 minutes
maybe. That's great.

(57:12):
Crazy I fucking hate food eatingcontests They gross me the fuck
out. First of all it's just
disgusting and watching people just smash food into their face
but also I'm just like it's never anything healthy either
and you're just like shoving that shit down your throat and a
foul. That can't be good for your
body. No, it's terrible.

(57:33):
Also, I just think about the theabsolute gluttony and we have
all this food. Also one person?
What kind of fucking brag is that?
Like I can down 70 hot dogs withbuns and 10 minutes like 74 get
the fuck away from me. Gross.
Yeah, apparently there's actually a lot of training that
goes into food eating contest like this, which is crazy to me.

(57:56):
Like, do you think make big money on that?
I feel like. You'd have to get your stomach
pumped after that. I think they have barf buckets.
Oh so fucking foul. Yeah, I watched a food eating
contest the the meat sweats. Stop.
Oh God, stop. I watched a food eating contest
once when I was 17 and I gagged while I was watching it.

(58:16):
I was like I need to get the fuck away from here and to this
day if there is one I'm like I'mgoing the opposite direction.
I'm not interested. Thank you.
So fucking thanks. EW.
Yep, so there you fucking have. It ended on a gross note.
A better note than. Blowing a head off.
You know what's crazy? You would think that Joey

(58:38):
Chestnut would be just that disgusting A a very hefty boy.
Yeah, he's really not. He's really not.
He's Does it look like a regulardude?
He's looks just like regular JoeSchmo.
He looks like your regular American neighbor, like
traditional he. Doesn't even look.
Overweight he just looks like anaverage dude.

(58:58):
It also makes me think, do people that compete in like food
eating contests like this, do they ever have any issues with
like bulimia? Yeah, have eating disorders,
like they can't eat a regular meal without like shoving it
down their throat and seeing howfast they can.
Yeah. Or like there's something where
they have, they eat a bunch and then because I know with like

(59:20):
the people with bulimia, you, you can eat food and everything,
but it's like you got to throw it back up.
Yeah. So I wonder if there's and if if
anyone's ever. Yeah, I just wonder.
I didn't think about that when Iwas looking this up, but now the
the gears are clicking together and rolling around and your.
Brain's a little greased up now it's working a little bit

(59:41):
better. Grease for your crease.
Oh yes, let's get into that. Let's go into the mud run.
Yeah, yeah, my butt is shredded.You guys, that sounded horrible.
No, but her ass cheek does look like somebody took a handful of

(01:00:01):
gravel, had her lay on her stomach and just scrape the fuck
out of her ass cheek. Yeah, like over and over again.
I knew my ass was gonna get beattoday.
I just didn't know it was gonna be literally cuz there was a one
particularly muddy hill that we slid down that had a lot of hard
bumps in it and my my ass literally got beat today.

(01:00:26):
Yeah. So we did a 5K mud run and it
was called Mud Factor. And that's just kind of the, the
brand of of this particular mud run.
There's lots of different mud runs, but this particular one
that we did is called Mud Factor.
And it's just a fun run. It's not a race.
Nobody's timed. It's, you know, you don't even
know how fast you finish becausethey're not timing it at all.

(01:00:49):
But it's pretty fun. It's just like an obstacle
course, you know, kind of zigzagging through some hilly
property and they've got, you know, hills that are just like
mud slides in this particular place was at a motocross track
track. And so they turned some of the,
the motocross jumps and stuff like that into muddy hills for

(01:01:09):
people to slide down. They had, they didn't have a ton
of obstacles. I've done several mud runs and
this one is not the best one I've done.
It was, it was fun. It would, but I wouldn't.
It's a good time. I wouldn't pay for this
particular mud run again, I would say.
If you're more into having more of a balance between running and

(01:01:30):
obstacles, and this would be really good for you.
Yeah, If you, if you enjoy and if you don't want nothing but
obstacles, yeah, then no. But if you want to focus a
little bit more on the running side with some obstacles, then,
yeah, this is probably a really good one for you.
Yeah. And it's pretty altering in a
way, you know, so you're going uphill, downhill, around

(01:01:52):
corners. It's a very uneven ground.
They had a bunch of different obstacles where you had like, a
rope ladder climb one where you were running up like a plywood
ramp. Yeah.
I'd say ramp. Yeah.
What else do they have? They had one where you had to,
like, wade through a mud puddle that was probably, I don't know,

(01:02:14):
maybe like just above your ankles, maybe.
Well, depend on how tall or short you are.
Could have been like halfway through to your shins, but
you're going through that and trying to, like, get through
mud. Ones where you had to climb up a
super muddy hill where you basically had to get on hands
and knees to. Oh, I put in 4 low.
Yeah, same hands, knees. I would to to get myself to get

(01:02:36):
up there. I was literally clawing the
ground like I was digging my fingertips in there.
I was like, I'm getting up nice and slow, here I go.
It was crazy. They had another one where you
had to get down on your belly and army crawl through very
thick, deep mud under these ropes.

(01:02:57):
Oh my God. And then they had right after
that, then hold on that one. Yeah.
So I was gonna tell him the obstacles and then tell him the
stories. Okay, Yep, go ahead.
And so then they had another onewhere it was a huge puddle, like
kind of like a, like a little swimming pool almost dug into

(01:03:17):
the ground. It was just a pit of mud water
and their mud water and yeah, thick.
It was a slurry. Yeah.
And there was a net over the topof it.
So you had to go underwater or lift the net up and try to swim
and hold the net up so you can keep your head above water.
It was. And it wasn't super far.

(01:03:37):
It was probably like maybe 12 feet long, but it was it was
long enough, but it was it was long enough.
It was. Yeah.
So anyways, that was those were like the most exciting, I think
of the obstacles because there was a lot of like kind of
climbing and then coming down the other side and then there
was like a rope. Climb a few different slides.
At the towards the end. They had one that was actually a
a tarp slide. Yeah, that one was really fun.

(01:03:59):
I didn't go very fast down that one.
No, you did it, which is crazy because I.
You flew. I went so fucking fast down that
and then I was like shit there. She fucking goes and.
Then he sees Samara fucking go down.
She makes it like. I think it's like 3/4 of the

(01:04:19):
way. Yeah, just stops.
Ramp, she's like not moving. I actually tried pulling myself.
I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna get up.
She's fucking, she's off this ramp, she's trying to walk and
get the rest of the way off of this fucking tarp slide and this
big dude, this big dude comes out before like behind her and

(01:04:41):
he's hauling ass. He's like lookout.
You see Semira, her eyes get bigand she gets on her tip toes and
like. It's a very animated.
And runs to the side as best as she can through this like deep,
thick slippery mud to try to avoid a collision with this guy.

(01:05:04):
Man, I turned around and he was right.
There. And I was like, oh shit, he's
like, I tried. To war.
He was like, I know, I heard you.
I was trying. Oh my God.
But the other ones that we slid down, it was literally just a
dirt hill that they had somebodywith a hose hosen down.
I think on the tarp side. I'm thinking that I had like too
much mud on me or something and it just too much friction.

(01:05:24):
It just didn't work because it just, I went so slow.
I was like, dude, everybody elsefucking flew down.
Yeah, it was crazy. I even pushed myself with my
arms and Nick still flew past me.
I was like, what the shit, man. One of the mud hills that we
were sliding down Alley smear spread Alley went down and she

(01:05:45):
fucking was getting up, walking away and this other chick came
back and fucking took her legs out from under her.
I know, I watch it and as soon as I saw it happen I was like,
oh. But I think it was that same one
that I went down and I was like going down on my, I was going
down face first on my chest and I was like, oh, this is too
bumpy. I don't like it.

(01:06:06):
And so I tried to roll over to get onto my back while I'm
sliding. And then I just wind up rolling.
I just wind up sideways rolling down the hill.
And I did a spin also. I can't hear the bystanders just
laughing at me. It was pretty unhinged.
It was great. The very first hill was quite
muddy. They they had people with hoses

(01:06:28):
keeping all the hills and everything wet.
Thankfully, because what the first mud factor that I've I did
was down in Tulsa and there was a couple of other hills where it
was kind of muddy, but they had started to dry out quite a bit
because they didn't have people sitting there doing that keeping
it wet. But the very first one I went
down, I was like, I'm going to go full force into this fucking

(01:06:49):
five Ki went down Penguin style arms in front of me.
And man, when I stood up, my tank top was sagging so hard my
tits were hanging out. I mean, given I was wearing a
sparse bra, but my tits were hanging out and it got so heavy
it was starting to pull my pantsdown.
So I had to take my one of my headbands started like.

(01:07:10):
Just above her groin and it ended below her fucking like in
the middle of her thighs. It was so heavy.
It went past my shorts. It was so heavy I had to take
the the headband that they gave us because they gave us all neck
gaiters and I had to tie my my tank top with it so it would
stay and I wouldn't lose my pants.

(01:07:31):
That's so funny. It was a lot of fun.
It was a lot of fun. That the one where we had to go
under the ropes, right? The live wire fucking mud crawl.
Yeah, Which wasn't actually a live wire.
No, I don't think they could getaway with that.
Electrocuting everybody. I don't know if I want to sign
the waiver. That's a bit much.
Possible electrocution. Yeah.

(01:07:51):
No, thank you. Not today, Daddy.
So I was one of the first peoplein our group to go through, and
I was going and I was like, OK, this isn't so bad.
And then I put my left arm forward and it just sank.
And I went up to, like, my shoulders.
Yeah. Because armpit deep.
Yeah. Because you could see where

(01:08:12):
people, it was like when you're on a a dirt road and you can see
the difference where the yeah, yeah, it was like that.
But for people's bodies, yeah, you could see, like, where
people with their legs and elbows had, like, created these,
like, deep ruts in the mud. And.
Oh, my God, I'm only 5, Two, OK.I am not a tall lady.

(01:08:33):
No long limbs. No long limbs, short stature
over here, OK. Just sucking you.
How was your face? Dangerously close it.
Was yeah and the mud in there was thick but it was kind of
like that suctiony thick yes so I was trying to like move my
arms and everything and I was like oh OK, that was alarming.

(01:08:53):
Went a little further and then it was my right side and then it
was just both and. It was like, Oh my God.
And then trying to crawl out there was, it was kind of
steeped, Yeah. And it was significantly enough.
It was it was hard to fucking get out.
I struggled. I was clawing my way out.
I was. It was deep because I had a

(01:09:13):
couple deep ruts like that too. Where I went, it went like my
whole fucking arm, bicep, shoulder, all of it was in the
mud. And I was like, holy fuck, give
me my goddamn arm back. Like I'm trying to pull my arm
out of the mud. I was like, what the fuck?
And then trying to get out. Like a demon trying to claw it's
way out of hell. For fucking real.
It was insane. And I knew there were people

(01:09:34):
behind me and I'm just trying tofucking get out and I'm like, I
can't move. I'm literally trying to climb
out and then I slide back in like Levy out of here.
Help help help. Me.
Tom Cruise. And then you just, you get out
of that and your arms and hands.Just caked in mud and you just
like fling it down and just mud just slings off.
That feels so satisfying. It really when Allie came

(01:09:56):
through, I was like, throw your arms down.
It feels nice. And she didn't.
She's like, yeah, that was, it was so fun.
And then immediately after that one.
Is when we went into the deep pool with the net laying over it
and now? And this net was so low it was
like almost touching the. Water.
No, it was touching the. Water.
Oh, it was. It was touch.
It was floating on the water. Yeah, it was intense.

(01:10:18):
My fingers got stuck at one point.
There was one guy who was like, just put your head under, just
put your head under and swim. And I actually considered doing
it, but I was like, I don't think I can.
I'm going to lose my sunglasses if I just go under and just
swim. Oh, I didn't hear that.
I would not have done that. Yeah, I totally would have.
I believe that. But instead I just swam.
One hand clawing at the ground, I could just barely reach it,

(01:10:40):
the other hand above me holding the net up so that I could keep
my head above water. And I'm trying to swim with one
arm and claw my way out of this.Fucking yeah.
It was crazy. Yes, I had.
Someone in front of me and I didn't want to get kicked in the
well. And getting out, it was steep
too, so it was also hard to get out of this because it was
pretty deep. So you're like trying to get out
and it's a muddy bank that you're trying to climb out of.

(01:11:03):
Yeah. And this wasn't thick.
It was, it was like it was like a slurry.
Yeah, it was really watered down, but it was, it was like a
watered down milkshake. Yeah.
Partially melted or like a melted milkshake.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I was trying to go through. I pushed myself at one point.
I use the net just a little bit but it like twisted and my
fingers got stuck and I was like.

(01:11:25):
I. Could kind of feel the panic
start to rise in my belly and I was like no relax figured out OK
got it and like continued through.
But when I got out, my tank top was so I looked down and I
looked bloated. So I lifted my tank top and

(01:11:46):
outcomes just a fucking wave like a waterfall of this mud
slurry out of my shirt. And I was like Oh my God, I'm.
So sad I missed that. Oh, it was probably the size of
a football. Holy shit.
Just from standing up, like I wasn't holding it or anything.

(01:12:07):
I think because I had tied my tank top, I just got trapped in
there. It was tight enough that it just
got stuck. That's so.
Funny. Yeah.
I fucking love that so much. It's so funny.
So Piper. So we did this.
It was me, Samara, my 2 girls, and then Piper's boyfriend and
then Samara's friend and her boyfriend and we all went

(01:12:30):
through this and everybody's having a pretty good time.
It would have been nice if they had like maybe water halfway
through because it was in the fucking 90s today that.
Was so warm, so fucking. Hot and we're running in dust.
Like we just started running andeverybody's coughing because
just the run is kicking up so much fucking dust.
At one point Ali was like, it's like the Dust Bowl of 87, but it

(01:12:55):
was, it was crazy. And at one point, like Piper was
doing really well, but the slurry that we had to swim
through, she made it through, but she had to go to the side.
And I looked at her and I could see her breathing.
I was like, oh, she's fighting apanic attack right now.
So I went over to her and was like doing breathing exercises
with her to to help get her in check before she kind of lost

(01:13:16):
her shit. Which is understandable.
I mean that well, she. Doesn't like water anyways.
And she afterwards I was like, are you, are you good?
Now She's like, yeah, I'm good. She's like, I shouldn't have
done that. I, I just, I pushed my limits
and I knew I should have done that.
I was like, no, it's good you pushed your limits.
Like we can't grow if we don't challenge ourselves and if we
don't push ourselves to do the things that we're afraid of.

(01:13:36):
So you should be proud of yourself.
Especially the fact that she made it.
Through it, I'm like, you did it, dude.
You, you did it. You should be fucking proud of
yourself. She was like.
You're such a mom. You're right, Mom.
Yeah, you're right. I am proud of myself.
And I was like, yes, and you should be.
Yeah, that's awesome. I didn't know that she actually
made it all the way through. I wasn't sure because she came

(01:13:56):
out where you could still see some color of her outfit, so I
wasn't sure. I think it was just that the
water had somehow like rinsed a lot of the mud off, even though
it was muddy water. It did kind of people came out a
little bit cleaner. Yeah, that's fair.
Which is crazy because you can't.
That's how dirty we all were. Because if you could imagine

(01:14:17):
people getting their entire bodies swimming through this
fucking muddy slurry and they came out cleaner than when they
went in. That's yeah, that's that's how.
Fucking muddy and dirty we all were.
People were like a couple inchestaller than when they started
the race. Oh yeah, There were times where
I stopped and I was like, I got to trim my shoes real quick.
They're so heavy. Dude, the very first mud thing

(01:14:38):
that we had to clomp, clomp through, I fucking lost my shoe,
my foot. I had to get my foot back in.
I was like, I was, I think I waslike teasing Piper or saying
some fucking bully bullshit to her.
And and then I lost my shoe and I was like, fuck, I lost my
shoe. And before she could even say
anything, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
That's what I get for talking smack to my kid.

(01:14:59):
Instant karma. Instant karma that was that was
a lot of fun sliding down all the different hills, but man, my
my knees are a little torn up, my elbows, my fucking booty yeah
and just tired and sore from yeah, the slides and the running
and just the the uneven ground, all of it.

(01:15:20):
Honestly, I just want to say like my biggest concern with all
of this was one that I would fuck up my nails and that I
would sprain my ankle. So I was like, I need to be very
conscience cautious and conscience, what am I?
Trying to conscious. Conscious.
Thank you God Conscience. Cautious.

(01:15:40):
Fuck my. God conscience, conscious,
conscious, conscious conscious. Why is this so hard for me?
I conscious. I had to be conscious,
conscious, conscious, conscious us.
Holy fuck. You are tired.
Usually I'm the one on this podcast.
I can't talk worth a damn. Oh my God.

(01:16:03):
Anyways, I just had to be reallyaware.
There you go. Just changed the whole sentence.
I. Had to be really aware of my
footing and to to really take iteasy because I also kind of
fucked my foot up dodging Neptune because she likes to run
right in front of me. And so I landed on my foot wrong
and kind of tweaked my foot a little bit, which it hurt then,
but it was fine. But I was like, oh, I just want

(01:16:25):
to be aware of that. But but I came out virtually
unscathed. Actually.
You've had a weird bruise on your spine.
Have a crazy bruise on my spine where you can actually see where
my vertebra were like pounded against my skin.
Yeah, that that might have been one of the times that because
did you only go down on your back?
I went down. I went down on my back once, I

(01:16:49):
think. And then because I went down on
my butt first, then I went down on my back, and then I went down
on my stomach and then again on my butt.
Yeah. Or no stomach.
Yeah. Anyways, whatever.
But yeah, I remember when it happened and it was when I was
going down and I kind of went back on my back and I was like,
oh, that didn't feel very good. But it didn't like hurt her.
I was fine. I like it.

(01:17:09):
The bruise doesn't hurt. Wicked.
It does look pretty crazy, Yeah.I'll post a picture on the
Instagram so you guys can see. Yeah, you don't get no pictures
in my butt, though. Maybe if I can crop it just
right? Where you can't see.
Anything. You can't see anything, just see
the scraped booty cheek. Yeah, poor Ally, man.
Her butt looks worse than mine. It's like my right cheek, but on

(01:17:31):
both of hers. I don't know how if Nick came
out unscathed. Yeah, I don't know.
Dude. Piper.
Has a God fucking gnarly bruise on her hip.
Like the side of her hip. It looks like a road rash.
It looks like a fucking paintball bruise.
Yeah, but it's it's scraped too.Oh, it's ugly.

(01:17:53):
Like it's already like. You can see.
Angry and gnarly. Yeah.
She's like having. She's like, it hurts to sit.
It hurts to walk like she's limping all like that's her only
injury. Everything else is pretty minor.
She's got a couple scrapes on her booty, but nothing crazy
like that bruise, though, yeah, it's that thing's fucking ugly.
It's very. It looks, it looks raw.

(01:18:15):
It looks like when you were kidsand like we're playing around on
the the carpet. It looks like a really bad
carpet burn and how it got that like yellowy tinge to it, you
know, yeah, like a carpet burn, but also, but like you said,
yeah, carpet burn Rd. rash, but also just like a fucking crazy
ass bruise. Yeah, like it's just all of

(01:18:35):
that. Just in one be up.
Yeah, it's it's bigger than a golf ball.
Yeah, it's a yeah for sure, for sure.
It's pretty big. And I know Sydney, she said her
knee and elbow were bloody. But you couldn't see it because
it was caked in mud. Allie got stabbed by a a
BlackBerry thorn in her hand. Oh shit, wow, that sucks.

(01:18:58):
Yeah, she started losing her bounce and and raged for it just
instinctually. And even Nick was like, no,
don't grab that. And.
She's like, there's a giant thorn.
Yeah, she. Yeah, so sad.
It was cool though. So at the end of the race they
gave us all our medals. They had somebody, I they had
these two guys at the end just putting medals on all of us as

(01:19:19):
we came through the finish line.I so badly just wanted to hug
them and get a muddy and dirty because they were fucking clean.
I just wanted to rub my mutt allover him.
I was so stupid when the guy washanding me mine.
Why? Because I said I'm the prettiest
pig in the race. What the fuck?
And he? Just looked at me like what?
The fuck's wrong with you? No.
Shit, I came through singing We are the champion.

(01:19:43):
I tried to get everybody becausewe went through together.
I was like, you guys, we should all hold hands and sing we are
the Champions as we cross the finish line and everybody was
like, yeah, no, like fine, shut you down football of you then
you guys are no fun. They had a guy after the finish
line that just had a like a big old fireman's hose and he was
just spraying water and everybody just went in front of

(01:20:03):
it was like basically like a high-powered shower with.
Rigid ice cold water, so cold. Holy fucking Christ.
It was, he didn't do anything for me.
It was so, so fucking cold, man.I had, but that's because you
had to get like in the, the actual jet, which kind of hurt
because it hit you so hard. So it kind of stung a little

(01:20:24):
bit. But I was like, yeah, fuck, I
don't need to get most of this off.
But then he sprayed my face and I'm trying to rub my face clean,
but I'm like, fuck, I can feel grit on my eyes.
I'm like, and then he would movethe hose and I'm like, no, I
can't see come back. That's what kept happening to
Piper's boyfriend. And I had to grab him by the arm
and, like, guide him towards thewater because it was just mud

(01:20:44):
running down his face. And I was like, dude, wipe your
hair backwards, Get it out of your face.
Stop leaning your face forward. I was just guiding him around
like he was blind, which I guessessentially he kind of was in
that moment. Oh, my gosh.
It didn't do. Yeah, I didn't.
I was so caked. I ended up just taking my shorts
and my tank top off and I was like, yeah, the kind of
underwear I wore are already kind of like shorts anyway.

(01:21:07):
Shorts. Yeah.
Or like boxer brief shorts. Yeah, boy Shorts.
Yeah, boy shorts. Yeah, you're just black boy
shorts. And I was just in my sports
class. Like I feel so much better with
this than in my shorts and my tank top because they were
filthy. Yeah, so filthy.
I got home and was rinsing all of our clothes out because I
wanted to wash them but I'm likedude, I am not putting that shit
in my washer and so. I want a new washer.

(01:21:30):
I was in the kitchen sink rinsing all of our clothes out.
It was just thick mud water. Oh but getting in the shower,
that was so gratifying. Watching the mud dirty water
like rinse off of me down the drain.
It was crazy. I had to wash my hair twice.
Oh yeah, I was looking at my shower and just cause the cause.
The dirt here has a little red clay in it and so not only did

(01:21:55):
it stain my toenails, which I just look awful right now, and I
was just. Like I look like I have old
people toenails. Truly.
Yeah. But I, I was looking.
This is just who I am, the prettiest pig in the race, you
know? And then I'm looking around in
the shower and I'm just like, itjust looks like I shat
everywhere. I just, it looks like I just had

(01:22:15):
mad diarrhea in here because, you know, there's also the mud
chunks and everything. And I was like, Oh my God.
It was terrible, Yeah. Just chunks of mud coming out of
my hair, off my body. Oh, Oh my gosh.
I took a picture. I sent a picture to Samara.
I had taken my shorts and and underwear off, like went to pull
them off and I looked and I was like, holy fuck.
Like it looked like you shat yourself.

(01:22:37):
The inside were just caked in mud.
And I was like, that is so fucking gross.
My poor vagina. Yeah.
Very careful clean edge. For real, in that shit I was
like. Well, careful and thorough.
Yeah, both. Both I.
Was like I don't want any of that in me.
God, I was almost like shit, should I have worn A tampon just

(01:22:58):
to protect it? It's.
Gonna plug you up. Like Oh my God, it lives like
sand on a beach. It got everywhere.
It reminded me of when you take a small child to the to the
beach and they just eat sand andthen they poop it out.
But it's they're tiny. Yeah.
And but it's not actually poop. It's just sand.

(01:23:20):
It's just sand. That's what that's what it
looked like when you sent me that picture.
So that actually just like, so there is a funny story, not
related to any of this, but the eating sand.
When Sydney was, I don't know, probably like 11 months old, we
went to the beach in California where 'cause we had lived in
California at the time and we went to the beach and she just
kept eating sand. Like no matter what I did, she

(01:23:42):
was grabbing a handful, shove itin her mouth, constantly eating
sand. I was like, holy fuck, dude,
stop eating sand. The next day she vomited sand
and then she shit sand. She is with Sandman.
I am telling you that when I tell you she shit sand, she shit
a log of sand. It didn't even stink like I am.

(01:24:09):
I'm changing her diaper and I take one of the baby wipes and
wrap it around my finger and I push on her little sand turd and
it just crumbles. And I'm like, I've never had a
kid eat sand like this before. So I call like a nurse.
I'm not like 911. This is an emergency.
But like I call a nurse. I'm like, hey, my toddler ate a

(01:24:33):
absolute shit ton of sand. They threw up sand, but now
they're also shitting sand. Like do I hit like what's the
protocol? Like what do I do with this?
What's the? Protocol my child is.
Sad right now. Why is this so funny to me?

(01:24:54):
Because it's fucking hilarious. And she tells me she's like,
well, I mean, as long as she's throwing it up and pooping it
out then she's probably fine. Just make sure she stays
hydrated. Like really there's nothing
like, I shouldn't be worried. She's like, like what?
Shake her out. Do yeah, she had two solid shits
of sand. Oh my God.

(01:25:15):
Yeah, it was. It was a crazy.
That made me cry, yeah. It's still probably one of the
funniest Sydney stories that I've got for sure.
That's. Good stuff.
When I took my sports bra off, the mud was caked to my tits so
hard that it just looked like I was wearing a bikini top.
Wow. Yeah, I sent a picture to Gavin

(01:25:36):
and he was like holy shit. And it was thick, but
downstairs, not so much. It was just so heavily caked.
That's how my top and bottom work.
And I actually like I was like, OK, well let me get in the
shower. The water didn't even do
anything. I had to literally like scrape.
Mud. Off of my flesh.
Yeah, it was. Yeah, no, it was everywhere.

(01:25:56):
Still, I will say this one was super fun, but if you guys have
ever done a dirty dash mud run, by far and away 1000 fucking
times better. So much more fun.
At least the one like that they do here.
It's a really, it's definitely way more obstacles.
It's a 5K also, so you know, youstill have the same distance and
running or whatever, but a lot more obstacles.

(01:26:19):
And halfway through there's a quarry filled with water that
people jump in and swim in, But they have a bar set up over
there. They have a water station.
So it's a nice halfway point to just kind of chill.
But if you wanna do a fun run and you wanna do a mud run and
just get fucking dirty, look fordirty dash in your area to do
that. It's way better.
Maybe wear a different outfit next time.

(01:26:39):
Yeah. It's pretty crazy, but super
fun. So yeah, I'm glad that we all
got to do that together. It makes me so happy and.
Piper had the fun idea of doing a before and after video, so she
had everyone you know individually say stand in.
Front of the Mud Factor logo. Yeah.
And say I'm so and so. This is me before the mud run.

(01:27:02):
And then we did it for I'm so and so.
This is me after the mud run. So she's going to turn that into
a little video compilation. So when she's done with that,
it'll be after this episode airs.
But once she's done with that, we'll go ahead and post that.
So you guys, we'll edit it. So she's got just me and me and
Piper or me and Samara. Yeah, yeah, we'll put on the
side for that. Yes, You guys can see us see

(01:27:23):
what we started out at and. See how we ended cuz it is wild.
I like that I I start clean and with a lot more clothes and then
I end dirty with less clothes. Yeah.
Well, and we were all going to have like a team shirt because
we're all part of a team when weregistered and our team name was
Big Dirt Energy, which was so fun.
And, and Piper came up with thisreally cool logo, but she wasn't

(01:27:46):
happy with it. So we wound up not doing
T-shirts, which I'm super bummedabout because I would have loved
to have them. And it just said Big Dirt Energy
in a curve. And then it had a snail.
And it just said Mud Factor 2025.
And then it had all of our nameson the back.
It was fucking cool. It was really cool.
So we had to come up with something else.
So we all decided, all right, well, let's all go monochromatic
in our own color. So yeah, I was red.

(01:28:08):
Samara was orange, Piper was pink, Sid was teal, Allie was.
Purple and Nick was green. Nick was green.
Yeah, it was. It was pretty fun.
I. Don't think Jack had a color
scheme. No, Jack just showed up.
Yeah. And I have no idea what Rachelle
color scheme was because she wasso.
Muddy. So much because she didn't start
with us. She got there late and we saw
her afterwards and she was cupboard had to.

(01:28:31):
I have no idea what color she was wearing.
Like she I just don't even know how she got so fucking muddy.
She was holy dirtier than us. Yeah, she was like yeah wow,
crazy. But anyways, super good time.
Highly recommend. You guys should look up fun
runs, like 5K fun runs. They happen all summer long
across the US and there's all sorts, there's there's mud runs,

(01:28:52):
there's cool color ones. I know there's like color Me Rad
where it's a 5K and you wear white and they just have like
colorful powder cannons just shooting out.
And so you just wind up like a rainbow of colors by the time
you're done with it. That was the very first five Ki
ever did. I did it with me and Shane.
Oh. Those, well, Shane and I did it
and we were I, I fully finished that one.

(01:29:14):
That one I was actually timed, Yeah.
And you got a little medal at the end.
I don't remember what it was called, but.
Yeah, the one thing we did was called Color Me Rad.
Yeah, something colour. Yeah, but it was cool because
they had the like the little, the Super high pigmented powder
that they were shooting out, butthen they also had high
pigmented gel that they were shooting out of like like water
guns and stuff. So it was pretty fun.

(01:29:34):
But I I'm a huge fan of the the fun 5K runs.
They're they're just, they're good.
I'm not a big runner and a lot of people in our group actually
aren't runners, but it's not a time thing.
You don't go at your own pace. Like it's a lot.
Highly recommend. Do you guys check it out?
So fun. Yeah, check it out, man.
Yeah, good times. Noodle salad.

(01:29:56):
Yeah. And now it's time for another
good time. Fun times.
Game time. You know what's crazy I was
getting? Ready to say fun time?
Game time. I was going to say, cool.
Well, I guess we'll see you all next week.
No game for you, that's how fucking.
Tired I am. I completely forgot about the
game. No, that's how fun this episode
was. Yeah.
There you go. Our MUD run story was the game.

(01:30:17):
All right, here's another fun time.
Game time, Fun time time time time.
OK, anyways, moving on for a game.
OK, Are you ready? What are we playing?
Are you playing with our fingers?
We are going to play with our fingers.

(01:30:38):
How did you know? Hey, I'll dance for playing with
our fingers. Get your fingers out too.
You want to play with your fingers with us.
Let's finger each other, all right, if you guys haven't got
it, it's put a finger down yes, so.
Get them five fingers up. Cuz we're about to play.

(01:31:00):
Put a finger down. Yeah, we're doing 4 cards each.
OK, get ready. You wanna go first?
I'll go first. Go first.
Put a finger down. If you have dressed up in
costume during sex. No, I never have.
Sounds so disappointed by it. I just, you know, honestly, I'm
not even sure how I feel about it.

(01:31:20):
Like, sometimes I think it's it would be fun, but other times,
like, I don't know if I want to.That's fair.
I have not. And some like I have lingerie.
Sometimes I even hesitate to wear lingerie because I don't
want anybody to fuck that shit up.
It's fair. It's like a look, don't touch.
OK. If you fuck this up, I hope
you're ready to hand over some money because this shit ain't

(01:31:43):
cheap. Yeah.
What about you? No, no.
OK. I would.
I think I'd be up for it though.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK. What?
What, like costume clown? Just kidding.
Nurse, doctor, police officer, burglar, Burglar.

(01:32:05):
Alien. I don't know, I'd be open for it
though. OK.
There's nothing that like jumps out at me.
Yeah. But.
It open what if Gavin dressed upas like Jason from like yeah, is
this like serial killer or scream mask?
Him wearing a mask might be hot.Oh no.

(01:32:28):
Be the final girl. Yeah, stab me daddy.
Whenever he listens to this, he's going to vomit in his mouth
for that sentence. All right, moving.
Right along. Put a finger down.
If you own three or more adult toys.
That's a finger down. That is a finger down.

(01:32:50):
I think I counted once and it's.I think I'm actually at 10
because Piper and I went to the adult store when we were
shopping for the rave, and the lady gave each of us a vibrator
for free. What?
Yeah, so that put me up to 10. I'm.
On a vibrator for free. Yeah.
Castle Superstore, baby. Shit.
I guess we should go in there. All right.

(01:33:13):
I have a drawer so I don't know.You have no idea.
I have a drawer also, but I counted once because somebody
had asked me and I was like, oh that's a good question.
Yeah, I don't know more than four.
I know that. I might actually like if you
count. Actually I'm probably closer to
maybe 12 now that I think about some of my other always maybe

(01:33:34):
14. Actually you wanna hit 20, You
know, I think I'm actually at 14cuz I'm like counting not just
like dildos, vibrators kind of thing, but like nipple class
clamps and then also like whips.Like all of those count.
Yeah, all the thing. Yeah.
So I think I'm more like 14. OK.

(01:33:54):
OK. Next, put a finger down if you
like getting RIM jobs. Right, that was tongue in the
booty hole, huh? Tongue punch in the fart box.
Yeah, I'm, I'm good. It doesn't really do anything
for me. Me either.
I mean, I'm not like, oh, don't do that, but I'm definitely not.
I won't ask for it. I yeah, I never asked for it.

(01:34:14):
And honestly, I'm like, if you're doing this, it's because
you want to. This is for you.
This is not doing anything. And that's fine.
Yeah, you. I won't stop somebody.
Yeah, the number of dudes I think are fucking hell into that
shit because I cannot tell you the number of times I've had
guys until we're like, I want tofucking lick your asshole so
bad. And I'm like.
Yeah. What is that?
OK, can someone chime in? And what is the air?

(01:34:35):
Some bro secrets or something? What is it about it?
What is this? Is it because it's forbidden?
The forbidden brown fruit. The forbidden Kiwi.
Oh, that's very fitting. The forbidden Kiwi.
Mark that down. TM TM.
TM TM Tam. OK, put a finger down.

(01:34:57):
If you've slept with someone within an hour of meeting them.
Ever. Yeah.
Ever. I feel like yes.
Yep. I feel like it's possible.
Fuck. Obviously.
God, yeah, That took. I don't know why that took me so
long. I had like a whole era of going
to the club. Bet you cool.
Let's go. Fuck.

(01:35:17):
Up in the club. Yeah.
OK. So all right, I got 3 fingers
down or three fingers up. Same.
OK. Put a finger down.
If your body count is higher than 10, that's a finger down
for me. That is a finger down for me
also. OK so now we are both at 2
fingers. Holy shit we're just like tying
for this. Who's gonna be the degenerate of

(01:35:38):
the show this week? OK, put a.
We might have to do a tiebreaker.
We might, yeah, put a finger up.If you prefer to go to their
place instead of having them over for a one night stand.
Before my relationship, I'd rather go to their place.
I typically didn't want them to know where I lived.
Yeah, I God, that's, I don't know why, but I like them to

(01:36:03):
come to my place. I went to their places a few
times and I'm like, this is gross.
Like you're gross and I don't want to see this part of you and
then still fuck you. Like because a lot of dudes are
just especially dudes that live alone are just fucking gross.
What was the question? What am I supposed to be doing
with my finger? Oh, let's put a finger up.

(01:36:24):
Put a finger up if you prefer togo there instead of having them
over for one night stand. So now I'm at 3 fingers because
I do prefer to have them come over.
Although I feel like I need to change that and I don't want to,
but I need to because just safety factor.
Yeah, but I'm just like I would go to a hotel.
So if I, if I would rather go totheir place, put a finger up.

(01:36:47):
Yeah. So you put your finger up.
I put my finger up because I'd rather wait.
Did I say oh? Oh.
Right, that's what I was fuckingwith me.
I was like, sorry we have different answers but we have
the same fingers. What's going on?
OK, yeah. So I keep I don't get to put a
finger up. So you get to put a finger up
because you prefer to go to their place.
Yeah. So I'm at three.
Shit. And you're at 2:00.
Fuck. All right.

(01:37:08):
Oh motherfucker. Oh well, this is also a put a
finger up. Oh, OK, if you've walked in on a
family member doing it. Oh my God, yes.
Same. Damn it.
Who is your person? Dad.
Really. I walked in on dad and mom.
Fucking different people. Oh, that's awkward.
Yeah. Well, mine wasn't necessarily

(01:37:30):
walked in, so maybe we can get into the semantics of it.
I was in the same room already. This is when you're a little
kid, No, I think. It was Christmas, I peed myself
under the tree, they left me there and they fucked on the
pull out couch. Oh my.
God that doesn't count. You didn't walk in, they just
decided to fuck where you already were.
Yeah, I even tried to, like, go to another room, but all the

(01:37:52):
beds were taken. And so I was like, you know
what? I'm not going to be miserable in
my wet pants and you just left me under the tree, didn't even
put me to bed and you're fuckingout here while I'm visiting.
I'm gonna start crying and ruin it.
So I started to cry and then wetpants and all, crawled in
between them in bed and fell asleep.
I was like, I'm not having a good time.

(01:38:12):
Neither are you. Wow.
I actually. Remember this story?
Yeah, that's also the first night that I ever heard the song
Jolene by Dolly Parton. So memories.
Memories. That's pretty funny, actually,
that. Yeah.
OK, no, I walked in on mom having sex with a dude that
wasn't dad, and I walked in on dad having sex with a chick that

(01:38:33):
wasn't mom. So yeah, so now we were both at
3 fingers. We're both at 3:00.
OK, my last card. Put a finger down.
Wow. This is like tight.
This is tight, bro. OK, put a finger down.
If someone has photographed or painted a nude portrait of you.
Yes, both. I've had people take pictures of

(01:38:53):
me naked before, yeah. Fuck we are tight again.
OK, were yours? Tell me about yours ex
boyfriends. Oh, OK, so I was well, we talked
about this before, but I was a nude model in college.
I did that as part of my job. But our aunt Gina has also taken
nude photos of me for when she was doing her paintings when she

(01:39:14):
was in school for art, for Fine Arts.
And then there was also a guy onReddit actually who some of.
Those were good. Likes to draw Yeah.
And I sent you them Yeah. And he we did like a like a
zoom. Thing and just posed and he drew
and then sent me the pictures and they're actually pretty good
they are yeah they are so we're gonna pause and then we're gonna

(01:39:37):
pull another car for hopefully atiebreaker cuz we're both that
was your last card that was. Shit, we are both at 2, OK.
All right, there's got to be a clear winner.
So there does have to be a clearwinner.
BRB. All right, we're a bit breaker.
Hopefully put a finger down if you've ever eaten ass.
Yes, I have. Fuck God damn it.

(01:39:59):
OK be right. BRB second time all right.
Hopefully this is the tiebreakerbecause we both have one finger
right now. Put a finger down.
If someone cheated on their partner with you and you did not
know that they were in a relationship, I am putting a
finger down for that. I'm going to say no because

(01:40:20):
nothing pops out. Mine was a guy that I had a one
night stand with. I had met him when I was out
clubbing and we went back to hisplace had sex, he passed out.
I got dressed, happened to notice on my way out a
photograph of him and his fiance.
Oh shit. And I was like oh cool.
So then I went into his bathroomand wrote my name in lipstick

(01:40:41):
and just said thanks for the good time, call me oh shit and
put my and put my fucking numberin his phone.
I was like oh fuck you. You want to be a gross gross
douche? Cool.
Have fun with this because he can wash that lipstick off.
But we all know dudes. In case you didn't know, you
write something on the mirror inlipstick.
You can wash it off, but the next time you shower, that area

(01:41:04):
right there is not going to fog up.
So that boils. Good fucking luck with that bro
all. Right.
Well, Nikki wins. Being a degenerate, she put all
fingers down and I am left with a single pinky.
That is the first time that I have had all fingers down That's
crazy. It's the first time for
everything. All right, let us know how you

(01:41:24):
all did in the comments of the show or DM us on Instagram.
We'd love to know how you guys did and I love it because you
guys have been chiming in on on how you're doing and and put a
finger down. So it's it's fun.
It is we like knowing. All right, Have a amazing and
safe 4th of July tomorrow. Love y'all and we will be back

(01:41:46):
here next week. And we'll get to hear all about
your your little travels. Yes, and we'll be back for our
third installment of Exploring Sexual Flavors.
Yes. All right, peace out, deuces.
Be sure to follow us on Instagram at Sauce Boxed and X
at the Sauce Box Pod or shoot usan e-mail at the

(01:42:08):
sauceboxpodcast@gmail.com. You can find us on Spotify,
Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, Pod Chaser, and Pandora.
Fuck you, Apple.

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