August 14, 2025 • 35 mins
This week we bring you a Minisode. Sometimes, when you're an adult, life gets in the way and sets fire to your plans. And sometimes, all you have to douse the fire with, is gasoline. Such a fire occurred in life this week and so as to not leave our loyal listeners hanging, we figured the best we could do is give you something to laugh at, albeit, a very short something. To soften the blow, we also have our very first guest on the show! Piper (my daughter and Samara's soul child) joins us for a fun game of Not Today, Murder. Be warned, she is a dark and twisty little thing.
We'll return to our regularly scheduled program next week. Stay tuned.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:20):
Music. Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Welcome back to another episode of The Sauce Box y'all.
I am your host, Nikki. And I am Samara.
Yes, and we are going to have a very short episode this week,
you guys. Because how mini soda if you.
If you will, yes, because you know, life just shit happens and
(00:42):
it's just that's the way of the.World, you know, sometimes
things are just on fire. Yeah.
And. And sometimes all you have to
put it out is gasoline. So here it is.
That's kind of where we're at right now.
You know, no need to explain. Just, you know, just love it and
accept it because that's just that's.
That's what's happening. So so we are going to play a a
(01:03):
new game. We have not played on the on the
show before and. And we also have our very first
guest ever. You can hear her giggling.
She's got a big old cheese grin.My surrogate child.
Yes, my oldest child, this is Piper.
Piper, welcome to the sauce box.Thank you guys.
(01:23):
I'm very excited for this. So excited.
It's awesome to have you here. So it was actually Piper's idea
that we just do a mini episode. A mini sod.
A mini sod. Right.
Yeah, Get it together, Nikki. Yeah, that we just do like a
mini sod and which is great because originally.
We were just going to do a a replay.
We were just going to do a replay.
(01:44):
One of our favorite. They were going to make you guys
listen to an episode you've already listened to.
Sorry, but. Just again, the flaming
gasoline. OK, it just.
Stop happens, OK. Yeah, don't be but this.
Was a really good idea because this is going to be a very
entertaining mini sode. It is.
It is because I mean, it's not going to be, it's not going to
be long at all. It's going to be very short and
(02:04):
it's just going to be fun. And for those of you who enjoy
our long episodes, I am truly sorry.
You can listen to this three times in a row.
Or. Five or five?
You know or you know what, do what they wanted you to do and
just re listen to one of the oldepisodes.
That's on top of this one. So actually.
That makes sense. You know, just pick your
favorite one and then tell you. Tell you know, just listen to
Piper. Yeah, just listen to Piper.
(02:25):
So what game are we playing? We're actually playing Not Today
murder. Murder.
No murder. OK, so the way that this game
works is kind of like Cards Against Humanity in a sense.
(02:49):
So there are a stack of murder scenarios, they're very funny
murder scenarios. And each player other than the
judge who's holding that murder scenario is going to draw 5
cards and each card is double sided.
Now once they read the murder scenario, they have to go
through their five cards and decide which three cards they
(03:12):
are going to use to save themselves, to try to save their
life. So they can't just be like, oh,
I'm going to use these three cards.
They actually have to create a little story.
Like they have to tell us how they're using these three items
to save their life. And then the next person gets
their turn, and then the judge will decide who lives and dies
and. Well, it's whoever's funny.
Or just smarter. I mean really, it just it could.
(03:34):
Be any judge to decide. Who are we to say how God
functions? Exactly, exactly.
You don't. You don't know.
You don't know. No one knows.
So we are going to do a practiceround and just kind of give you
guys a little bit of taste and then we'll go through and we
will each do a round as the judge after this practice round.
Cool. Everybody, everybody there,
(03:55):
everybody with us. We good.
All right, ladies, Are you ready?
Audience, I can hear you. Yeah.
Speak up, speak up. I'm with you.
Thank you. OK.
So the murder scenario, ladies and peeps, you're late and
stupid, so you take a shortcut down a dark alley on your way to
work when a man pops out of a dumpster with a brick.
(04:18):
Save yourself this. Feels like a real life scenario.
I am late and stupid. Fibers over here are green.
She's a. Little I can't disagree with
that. All right, Piper, how will you
save yourself? Give us your.
Give me a scenario. Well, I am.
I'm late and stupid and going down a dark alley as a cute
(04:40):
woman, none of that's a good idea and a man approaches me
with a brick, so I. He pops out of the dumpster
actually with a brick. Yeah, he was.
That feels premeditated. Have I taken this alley before?
Oh no, you're the only one that knows.
(05:01):
Well, I happen to be carrying a box of fireworks with me.
Oh, OK, smart. I'm gonna say the three legal
ones. That's how I feel.
Those are the best ones. I also have my pet rat, which
I'm gonna sacrifice for my safety.
So I'm gonna strap on my my box of fireworks to my rat.
It's a big rat. It's the size of a small cat.
It's one of those Mexican rats. Yeah, a New York City sewer rat.
(05:25):
Everything's huge, and then I'm gonna feed my pet rat a brick of
cocaine. And I.
Just feel like, I feel like that'll really sort out its
itself, you know, I'll just kindof, I'll Chuck Remy at.
Your rat because there's. Remy now.
Chuck Remy at my potential murderer.
Light the fireworks, Chuck Remy.Remy already has the cocaine
(05:48):
brick of cocaine in his system. Right.
It's not even a fucking bump of cocaine.
It's a fucking. Brick Remy's literally leaping
to his death. Remy has No Fear.
Remy fears no death. He's on a brick of cocaine.
Remy is fear. Yeah, Oh my God, that's going to
be hard to beat. Samara.
How? How are you going to save
yourself? You know, I was feeling pretty
(06:08):
confident with mine. And then there's that.
I did choose this. Game because I wanted an excuse
to be dark and twisted. And I love that, you know that I
love that. You guys, as you know, I mean,
we've talked about Piper before and she really is, even though
she's like biologically my daughter, she's.
My surrogate child, she's. Samara's like soul child.
(06:29):
Yeah, I was born from her soul. I was born from Murli's soul in
my mom's uterus. Yeah, that's that's pretty
accurate actually. I love that that's actually the
only kind of. Child, I want no pain.
Exactly. All right, so I have a a bunch
of those wool dryer balls, OK. And I've got a bottle of bleach.
(06:52):
Getting better. It's getting there.
So I'm going to take those dryerballs and I'm going to soak them
with a full bottle of bleach. And then I'm going to take my
metal ruler and start shooting the balls at the guy and hope
maybe some of the bleach gets inhis eyes and blinds him.
I'm just. Like, OK, because they're so so
(07:13):
I'm just like picturing you, like trying to fling it.
And you know when you like try to fling something that's saucy,
it fucking some of it flings back at you?
You know, like. You're blinding yourself with
bleach. I'll, I'll lean my head to the
to the side just a little bit, right.
Not too much though, because my my, but you know, it's fine.
Well, I I have to say, as the judge, Samara, I'm, I'm sorry
(07:36):
that you chose to go to this alley, but you're you didn't
make it. Yeah.
Piper, on the other hand, you'realive.
Samara's dead. Yeah, she also commits some
arson, but it's fine, She lives.Well and well, I guess.
I. Will It's called self-defense.
And actually, it was Remy that had the arson.
All I did was give Remy the ability to fly.
(08:01):
Well there you have it. That is our practice round.
So now you have a an idea. How this game works of?
How this game works. Yes, beautiful.
All right, Piper, you are the judge.
So you can pick a black card from anywhere in the pile, and
Samara and I are going to pick five possible weapons.
We'll see. Well, five cards so.
(08:21):
OK, this one, I'm actually really excited to do this one
between you and mom. Fuck.
Please watch your profanity. Help me, Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise. OK, I think I got more than 5.
OK, 234. 5-6 OK, here's the. Murder scenario.
(08:44):
Here's the yes, here's your murder scenario.
You get lost in a corn maze layoff.
It's a hard one, OK, when a gangof small blonde children emerge.
Fuck them all. And set the field on fire.
What the fuck? Save yourself OK taking out
those kids A. Corn maze that's harder than it
(09:04):
looks, and then five small. I don't have a good history with
corn mazes. I almost called or your sister
or you and corn maze. That's why I said this would be
a good one between you guys. Man, I almost called on Nazi
children. Oh no.
Oh my gosh. I mean, with what they're doing,
that's pretty. Yeah, so the corn maze is on
(09:27):
fire. Yes, and a gang of small blonde
children set it on fire. Are they coming at me?
I. Don't know am I defending myself
from the children or the fire? Right.
Yeah. Oh.
OK. Shit.
OK, you. Just imagine you're going
through this corn maze. You think you're going to have a
good time and you threw all these evil little giggles and
(09:51):
then you start smelling some smoke and then you just see
flames everywhere. You just are hearing these
giggles. These evil giggles.
I know it's terrible, OK. You got it.
OK, Merle. OK, so I have a joint.
OK, I'm going to light it with the corn that's on fire.
(10:12):
I. Like it?
Give it some flavor, get the kidgang really stoned, and then I'm
going to take them out with thisboomerang that I have.
So you're like buddy, budding upto the enemy just so you can,
you know, get close. Friend of my friend is my enemy,
or whatever enemy of my friend just.
Keep your enemies closer. That's fine, whatever.
(10:33):
So. Enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Whatever. No.
One's my friend in this such an area.
So my joint I get the the kid gang really high.
I have my I have my boomerang. Knock them all out.
OK. And then with my squirt gun, I'm
going to save myself a path through the flames, slowly put.
(10:54):
So is it a magical? Squirt gun or are you?
Maybe it's one of those like Super Soakers.
You don't. No, right, it doesn't specify.
It does do. Whatever you want.
That's fair. OK, you chose Super Soaker.
Yeah, OK. I'm gonna get my path clear to
get out. That's pretty good.
OK so in summary, a bunch of high kids you knocked
unconscious with a boomerang andthen you are squirt gunning your
way out of this fire. Field.
(11:14):
Yep, squirting myself to safety,it's pretty solid.
OK, OK, so I have a rotisserie chicken because you never know
when you're gonna be hungry. It's already cooked though.
Right, so I'm going to take thisrotisserie chicken.
I'm going to fling it at these 5evil children and then oh.
(11:36):
It did not say 5, it said a gang.
A gang I'm going to. Oh, I just assumed how?
Many number? How many do you have to have to
make it a gang? I don't.
Know one of our one of the listeners fact checked and
comment. Yeah, seriously.
OK, so I'm going to toss this rotisserie chicken at them.
All the juices meet. Everything is going to land on
this gang of evil kids. Then I'm going to take my hive
of bees because of all the bees.Bees are carnivorous and I'm
(12:01):
going to set the bees loose on these children and hopefully
they'll sting them in while they're trying to get to the
chicken and. Then I can meat juice.
Yes, and then I can make my getaway as I'm taking my set of
horseshoes and also flinging them at whatever kids might have
gotten away from the bees. How are?
You getting out of the flames. I'm just going to run for it.
I mean, it's only the core that's on fire, not the, not the
(12:22):
path. It's a fire maze.
It's a. Fire Maze.
I'm still just going to have to find my way out.
I'm a Phoenix, but I will have Iwill have these horseshoes in
case they fight me. Those are really intense.
And also I'm just like picturingthe scene from Hunger Games
where she like saws off the likeHornet's knife.
(12:44):
Like that's what I was envisioning.
Like, it's legit. Yeah, It's a legit way to save
myself. Maybe not.
Maybe not from the fire, but from the kids.
I mean at least one of the two. Yeah, you.
You destroyed. Well, you destroyed like one of
your murderers. Only one.
The fire might murder you. Wow.
OK, well. Fuck.
(13:06):
Fine. So am I dead or alive?
Did I survive the gang and die in the fire?
Yeah. Yeah, I.
Think you did. I think you did survive.
The gang won the battle to lose the war, yeah.
I don't know how evil these blonde children are, but I feel
like they they're coming after you.
Some of them survived. That was just.
Fucked. And they're just running.
They're sneaking around you looking.
(13:27):
They're fucking children. You're throwing those horseshoes
and they're just fucking. Dodging.
Why did they dodge her boomerang?
It's a boomerang. It always comes back.
Boomerang just took out the whole gang.
Maybe I'm a boomeranging expert.You know, I feel like I have a
better chance with bees attacking all of them than a
boomerang taking them all out. You never know.
(13:48):
Well, she got them like fucking greened out first, yeah.
I made them. Slow with one joint.
Maybe it's a gag of small. Children, their tolerance is 0.
Exactly, which is why getting stung by these bees, they're
going to all be crying like little bitches.
Come on, that's crazy. OK, this is crazy.
(14:13):
It is. Merle had a plan for the fire
and you didn't. Thank you.
You're coming out with 4th degree?
Burns mom died. I win.
Fine gavel. Here I want to keep my winning
cards. I want to.
I want to know which scenarios I've won.
Here's the scenario. You ring in the New Year's the
old fashioned way, standing in Times Square for hours and
(14:35):
peeing into bottles, and someonetries to poison your 40.
What the? What's a 40?
A beer. A really shitty beer.
Liquor. Probably.
OK, I feel like this is easy. These are too funny.
(14:58):
I. Can't.
I'm so excited to be on this side of it.
Oh my God. OK, I.
Feel like I'm turning into the murderer.
Do you want it one more time? Yeah.
You ring in the New Year's the old fashioned way, standing in
(15:21):
Times Square for hours and peeing into bottles when someone
tries to poison your 40. Save yourself.
OK, this I'm going to save myself.
I'm going to take my toy cell phone.
That's fitting if you're peeing into bottles in public.
And and I'm going to pretend that I get a phone call and I'm
(15:43):
like, bro, bro, it's for you. And I'm going to give them the
toy stop off and then. It's for you and.
Then I'm going to take my bunch of frozen frozen shrimp.
This is all tracking. This is going.
(16:06):
I'm going to swing it upside their head, knock them out just
like stun them, right? Yeah.
And I'm going to take my pack. While they're on the phone.
Yeah, they haven't realized it'sa toy yet.
They're still saying hello. Who's there?
Can you hear me now? They're stunned.
And then while they're on the ground, I'm going to take my
(16:26):
pack of toothpicks and I'm just going to start stabbing them
like toothpicks. That's like a death by 1000
cunts or whatever but toothpick edition.
That's how I survive. Oh my God, I think it might
work. I think so too.
I think I'm onto something. That's crazy.
OK. That's yeah.
Wow. So.
Well, you've got Piper. Wait just to wait.
(16:51):
Can't be better than mine. OK, so I I noticed something's a
little suspicious so I naturallypull out my GIMP mask.
I put that on. I might already be wearing it
'cause I am. I am peeing in public.
And that's true. So I have my GIMP mask on and I
think when I turn around that kind of startles.
(17:12):
I'm startlesome, catches them off guard.
So then I take my large trophy that I carry with me for peeing
in public and I run at them and fucking shove it up their ass.
OK. And then while they're like
stunned from that because they're like this git mask
person I was trying to poison just freaking.
It sodomized me. Sodomized me with their pee
(17:34):
trophy. I'm then going to shove my
bucket of dry ice down their throat.
Oh my God. Oh, you were loving that,
weren't you? You.
Were turning into the murderer and.
That's how I survived. Wow.
There'll be a book. There'll be a.
There'll be a book. We're going to poison in Times,
(17:54):
Times Square. My God, so, so nonchalant.
So yeah, I do it. I think a lot of people are
going to see a really dark side of me if there was no this
episode. Can't wait.
Best introduction. Ever, right?
I know. And she looks so unassuming.
(18:14):
She really does. She just looks like the most
innocent girl next door. Beautiful, just sweetest thing
until she. Puts that get mask on, she turns
into a different being. Yeah, bucket of dry eyes down
the throat and a trophy up the ass.
Here and how you're the winner. And that's how I protect myself.
Wow, in case anybody was thinking of doing something.
(18:37):
I love you, Piper. I love that one, but I'm going
to go with Death by Toothpicks because that's.
Hilarious. I can't.
Be mad about that. She's going to turn someone into
a fucking porcupine. Thank you.
They're. Going to look like.
Image. What was the one guy that old
like 80s horror, 90s horrors like pin cushion or pin cushion?
(18:59):
Pinhead, Pinhead. Yeah, it'll.
Make him look like Pinhead can pin your cushion.
What movie is that? Piper, you.
Got to watch, was that? Hellraiser.
Hellraiser. Yeah.
Have you ever seen that? Oh, you should watch it.
You probably like it. It's pretty I've heard of.
That I've heard of that. Yeah.
It's pretty. It's people, she says.
Yeah. Well, here's your your winning
card. Yay.
We've all won. We've all won.
(19:21):
I love this. Well I mean your your one that
you won was technically the warmup, so let's see if you win for
real reals. Oh, I will.
For reals, you. Reals.
I will will. I will will will will will pick
your 5 cards ladies. Not sure which one to no to go
with. They are both really good.
That's how I felt about the other one.
(19:42):
But I feel like this is the winner.
This is a really fucking heavy microphone.
I had no, I'm like Jesus. You should have duct tape them
to your hands. OK, Are you ready for your
murders? Murda?
Are you ready for your Moda scenario?
Sorry, is Moda to go? OK, OK, you're at the local
(20:07):
bakery supporting small businesses as you 2 do by buying
a sheet cake that you're going to eat all alone in your car.
Oh. Oh, when you're captured in a
flower sack, what? Save yourself.
What is it? The 1940s.
(20:28):
Flower sack it. Was a really big flower sack
they. Had to go thrift shopping for
it. They actually.
Got it at the same market. That's where they scouted us.
Yeah, they come here once a weekto buy a sheet cake needed to
load in their car. Wow, that's depressing.
That is depressing. Even for me, man, I swear.
(20:49):
I'm not depressed, I'm supporting local business.
Man, OK, they attacked me. So is the murder, I guess.
So I'm I'm in a bag. He's like, I'm not a bad, he's
not, I'm not a bad guy. I'm just supporting local
business. Well, it's just he's also.
Running a flower set, Yeah. Yeah, but it says like you're
captured in a flower sack, whichmakes it seem like it like
covers your whole body. But let's just assume that it's
(21:10):
just covering your head, becausethat's just weird.
Yeah, OK. I was like, how big is this
flower sack? I'm picturing it being burlap.
Like the just I was too, it feels.
Yeah, yeah. Especially with Piper's time
time frame. Yeah, agreed.
It's so fucking hot in here. My tits are sweating, my palms
are sweating, my feet are. All of me is sweating.
(21:32):
They're sweating. So fucking hot in here.
Why don't you guys get AC in here?
They both just look at me like what the fuck is your house?
Yeah, it's her fucking office library.
This is hard. I have two of my cards.
I'm trying to decide on my thirdone this week.
Two, I have two, I just need my last one.
OK, well. All right.
(22:09):
Touch of tism. Is there a tism in the air?
OK, I've got mine. Do you got yours?
Yeah, I think so, but you fucking liar.
I think I do. You guys, the Jeopardy song is
up. OK, OK.
Sorry, Alex. Wow, you guys really are
related. This is crazy.
You guys would not even. You guys probably don't even
(22:29):
believe that Piper's my child right now, do you?
It's like, there's no way. No, this is definitely.
Until based on me, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no getting around that, OK.
Piper, how are you saving yourself when you go to the
local bakery supporting a small business?
By buying a sheet cake to eat all alone in your car when
you're captured in a flower sack.
OK, so clearly this is a weekly occurrence.
(22:50):
OK. I feel like I was scouted.
This person watched me. It was premeditated.
I you. Just love that it's
premeditated, yeah. Yeah, I do.
Little did they know I was also watching them.
OK, so instead of me sitting in the driver's seat eating my
sheet cake alone, it was my Halloween skeleton.
(23:13):
Life sized. I was hiding in the back seat.
OK, eating her sheet cake. Eating my sheet cake.
I got 2 at this time. They didn't clock that.
Then when my murderer, potentialmurderer, I see him, he comes
into the car. It's so dark.
There's no St. lights in this parking lot.
(23:33):
Oh, so you're buying your cake at night?
Yeah. Like the bakery's about to
close. Yeah.
It's the underground market. It's it's, it's the night
market. It happens yearly.
So he sneaks into the back seat,but it's so dark.
He doesn't, you know, he's not even thinking about being there
another person. He's not thinking about me
sitting in the back seat also. And I'm just kind of, you know,
(23:54):
I'm in ball block. I'm hiding in the dark and my
skeleton looks just like me. The skeleton.
Impressive. OK.
She's an artist, yeah. That is really impressive.
And honestly, he's not really looking.
He just knows this is my routine.
He's not really thinking too much about it.
OK, OK, so he's. A dumb, dumb kidnapper.
So then he goes, he goes to he goes to do it and then realizes
it's like in the bones are shaking the.
(24:16):
Bones. Are he's a little caught off
guard I RIP the flower bag from him and put my sort of pool
balls in it and start beating the shit out of him.
OK, wow. And then I take my Saran wrap
and I wrap it around his face and stuff again.
(24:37):
I was like, that's. Not too bad.
Oh, there it is. Wow you just been so dark, just
fucked up. Maybe the next one to die.
That's hilarious. That was really good.
Piper, you're really good at this.
Like story building. It's really I love this.
Game creative writing. I really, yeah, I really am
(24:57):
digging this so much. This would have made English
class way easier. Oh yeah, prompts like this?
Are you kidding me? Oh yeah.
That got me lightheaded. I would have used and have used
this game and if I was still in like a writing class.
I would have had to go talk to acounselor probably.
They were like, I think you needto see somebody.
I think you might need some professionals.
How is your home line? I was just going to say how is?
(25:19):
Everything at home not great. It's not good.
I eat a sheet cake alone every day.
Every day, Yeah. Went from once a year to once a
week. Now it's every day.
Things are escalating. They really are.
I just survived being murdered. Yeah, OK, Samara, how are you
going to start getting murdered?So he's, he breaks into my car,
(25:40):
naturally puts the, the bag on my head.
OK, but I whip out my laser pointer and start hitting the,
the different glass windows in my, in my car.
You know, try to distract him, maybe get him in the eye, at
least distract him kind of like a cat, you know?
And then I'm going to take my box of candy canes out because I
know exactly where they are and I'm gonna start whitting them
(26:02):
bitches into shivs. I was.
Gonna say are they are they pre?Sharpened.
Were you walking? Around the farmer's market with
your fucking. Yeah, I never finish a box.
I just do it until they were a Shiv and then I put them back,
pick up a new one. So White, Piper said.
Pre shivved pre Shiv guy and then he gets.
Shivved with a candy cane. Multiple candy cane the box.
(26:24):
That might be sharper than your.Two pick 2 picks, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I can get that here for sure.
Fine, fine point. And then, you know, he's
freaking out. I get the bag off my head and
then I pour white out into his eyes.
Oh my God. OK, a big fan of this.
One. And then I go back to eating my
(26:45):
sheet cake in peace. I'll deal with you later.
Yep, he's just squirming in the back seat.
Yeah, and I tell him to. I'm almost slowly.
Bleeding out and she's just. Ruining my cake experience.
Candy canes just bleeding. Slowly dissolving into him.
That's disgusting. I'm just like imagining him with
like, the white out in his eyes,can't see anything, and then
(27:08):
he's trying to find all the candy canes that are stabbed
into him and he's trying to pullthem out.
Oh my God. In a way.
But they're sticky, and that's just like a sensory overload.
Yeah, I hope he dies just from that.
I kind of turned him into a candy cane himself with the his
blood and then the white out, you know?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so candy man, candy man. There's a candy man can
(27:35):
everyone? 'S going to think that he was
the victim. They are going to think he was
the victim and they're going to look at Samara and be like I'm
sorry. Also with you too.
Are you sure you were the victim?
Like this seems premeditated, ma'am.
Just preparedness. Just had a set of pool balls.
Well. Yeah, you never know.
You want to play some pool? You never know when.
(27:56):
You're just like, you're just like you had the skeleton in the
front seat looking like you. I mean, you were in the back
waiting for him. This seems premeditated.
Well, I'm more impressed that you got the balls in the sack
quietly. Just took a dark turn.
It really did. And honestly, I I think that you
survived. What can I say?
I mean to be fair I think Samir also survived but there can only
(28:18):
be 11 survivor. Yep.
And you know what? I'll happily take that.
Yep. Yeah.
OK, on another day, candy canes.That was amazing and I think we
definitely need to play this game like we need to have like a
game night and play this. Game oh 100%.
Yeah, that's what I keep saying.I I want a game night.
But also, I think this should bethe game that we play when we
(28:39):
have guests on the show because this is just this.
Is perfect, shows a lot about the personality.
Really guys, you were dark and twisted.
She's perfection. Thank you.
I just anytime, anytime I start to get dark and twisted like
during a game, I just think about what Grandma said to me
when we were in Leavenworth for Christmas or something.
(29:01):
It was. And I don't know if we're
playing like Pictionary or. There was some like, it was like
a dirty version, yeah. And I don't even remember, I
don't remember the exact words grandma used, but she was like.
And she looks so innocent. Yeah, Yep.
And I could see Grandma was a little impressed.
I could see that in her eyes. Yeah, she was for sure.
(29:23):
I could definitely see that. But I do remember when she said
that I was like, no, mom, this is what I've been trying to tell
you. Yeah, your daughter and my
daughter are like the same person.
They look so innocent. And until we talk.
Until they open their mouth and then you're like, there's
something wrong with them. Like they're just dark and
twisty. Yeah, I think about that every
(29:45):
time. Every time I'm dark and twisty,
I think about. I think about, 'cause I can.
How? Proud Gramma Tina would be.
Yeah, well, I can just see her face when she was saying it to
me, and I just remember my face getting like I was just freaking
cheesing. Yeah.
Yeah. It's like she was saying how
proud she was of me. I just basically, yeah,
basically. She did love that for sure.
(30:05):
Yeah. All right, well, I hope that you
guys enjoyed this episode. Like we said, it was a little
short 1. Mini sowed.
Mini, mini, mini, so many, many.And it was sowed.
It was a good it was a good run for having our very first guest.
Piper, thank you so much. Guys, thank you for having me in
my own house. You're welcome.
(30:28):
So honored to be in this room. Keep up the good.
Work and we'll invite you back right the.
First time you've been invited into this room while we were
recording. Yeah.
Normally, if she needs to talk to us, she'll quietly open the
door very slowly and then just. Like a murderer.
Stare at us quickly. Like a murderer until.
I make eye contact with Samara, and I make eye contact with
(30:50):
Piper, and then Samara looks andit's like, oh, time to pause.
Pause. OK.
Yes, never been for anything important either.
No. At least you're self aware.
Yeah, yeah, we'll have a long. Way we'll have her back because
I feel like she's just like she's really fun and I think the
chemistry here is just. It's good stuff.
It's it's nice to have another version of me in the room.
(31:12):
Yeah, You know, sometimes you need to lighten the load.
You tear the load. I'm really.
Pretty funny, yeah. Yeah, I love this.
OK, well, let us know what you guys thought about Piper.
If you say anything mean, you will be the next scenario on
this game. Yeah.
You you heard how we kill peoplein here.
Yeah, that's right. So that'll be all good comments,
(31:33):
yeah. You never know, she can have a
rat in her back pocket at any time.
The brick of coke. He's already been coked up.
He's just waiting to go. At this point, Remy's just a
rabid rat. Just waiting.
All she needs to do is no. He's.
Just in withdrawal, it's not. That might actually be worse,
actually. He's gonna just fucking.
Just throw the bag of coke onto the person and then let Remy
(31:56):
loose. Yeah, Then stop.
I was just having an idea. Yeah.
Then Remy will just like eat himas he's.
Getting his well, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was
thinking. Fucking deprive Remy of his coke
then. This used to be like an old
torture thing that people would do, but you put the You
basically starve the rat. Yeah, and then you put them on
(32:16):
the persons stomach with a container on top of.
It and they have to eat their way.
Out and they're eat they eat their way out well, you gotta.
Actually, they eat their way. In yeah, you.
Eat. So they're trying to get away
from it, Yeah. I feel like I need to have hyper
back so we can cover like a serial killer or something or
just like medieval tortures. Well, we, we went to Saint
Augustine a couple years ago in Florida.
(32:38):
They had a medieval torture museum.
It was amazing it. Really was amazing.
Ever. It was the first thing ever
awesome. And they had like like wax
figures that you could like do the torture to on some of them.
It was crazy. There was 1 like you could dunk
a witch which personally I didn't appreciate.
Yeah, that's fair. But then they had like this
(32:59):
whole wall and it was just like,it was like, what's it like
genital torture devices? Yes, and you know, they're like
crazy chastity belts for men andthey like.
Terrifying. There are ones for penises and
vaginas. Do they have like spikes for the
penises? There was like crazy.
Even the ones for a vagina for vaginas were fun.
Vaginas. Vaginas.
(33:20):
They were terrified and also they were all made of metal.
Like imagine the infections. I mean would you rather it be
wood and like get splinters? I'd rather it be wood.
Yeah, but I'd rather just be if I'm gonna get there, yeah.
There was some wood stuff, but it was, it was crazy.
It was super cool. You would love that.
Yeah, that sounds awesome. For real, it was amazing.
(33:40):
When I when I lived there, you need to come visit because it's
Saint Augustine's, right next toJacksonville.
Yeah, no, I'll have to come visit and then I want to go to
New Orleans so bad and go on. Like those tours all?
Of them, every single fucking one every night.
Oh yeah, I'll take Piper. It's fine.
Yeah, Mom can go get drunk on Bourbon Street.
Yeah, that sounds great. I'll do that.
(34:02):
You guys just make it back alive.
We need. The buddy system though, Someone
needs to get drunk with her on bourbon.
Street right, you have to go to least one.
Bourbon Street to get drunk or aghost.
On a ghost one. I like Piper's idea.
I just eat somebody. Like a bus 1 where you're not
getting out they. Got Yeah, we did do one of those
in Saint. Augustine so you can do another
one with. Me, that wasn't.
Was it St. Yeah, it was Saint Augustine,
but it was not. Yeah, Saint Augustine was cute
(34:24):
though I fucked with the. It is such a cool.
I remember. Pictures, Yeah, for sure.
OK well, honey, enjoy this. We'll be we'll be back next week
and. We will have Piper back.
Again at some point so. Yeah, going on it down below.
Yeah, we'll, we'll make a. Poll indeed.
(34:45):
I just wanted to hit the button.It's fine, whatever.
Oh my God. OK, well we'll see you guys next
week. Thank you for joining us for
this short episode and love y'all bye.
Toodles.
Music. Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Welcome back to another episode of The Sauce Box y'all.
I am your host, Nikki. And I am Samara.
Yes, and we are going to have a very short episode this week,
you guys. Because how mini soda if you.
If you will, yes, because you know, life just shit happens and
(00:42):
it's just that's the way of the.World, you know, sometimes
things are just on fire. Yeah.
And. And sometimes all you have to
put it out is gasoline. So here it is.
That's kind of where we're at right now.
You know, no need to explain. Just, you know, just love it and
accept it because that's just that's.
That's what's happening. So so we are going to play a a
(01:03):
new game. We have not played on the on the
show before and. And we also have our very first
guest ever. You can hear her giggling.
She's got a big old cheese grin.My surrogate child.
Yes, my oldest child, this is Piper.
Piper, welcome to the sauce box.Thank you guys.
(01:23):
I'm very excited for this. So excited.
It's awesome to have you here. So it was actually Piper's idea
that we just do a mini episode. A mini sod.
A mini sod. Right.
Yeah, Get it together, Nikki. Yeah, that we just do like a
mini sod and which is great because originally.
We were just going to do a a replay.
We were just going to do a replay.
(01:44):
One of our favorite. They were going to make you guys
listen to an episode you've already listened to.
Sorry, but. Just again, the flaming
gasoline. OK, it just.
Stop happens, OK. Yeah, don't be but this.
Was a really good idea because this is going to be a very
entertaining mini sode. It is.
It is because I mean, it's not going to be, it's not going to
be long at all. It's going to be very short and
(02:04):
it's just going to be fun. And for those of you who enjoy
our long episodes, I am truly sorry.
You can listen to this three times in a row.
Or. Five or five?
You know or you know what, do what they wanted you to do and
just re listen to one of the oldepisodes.
That's on top of this one. So actually.
That makes sense. You know, just pick your
favorite one and then tell you. Tell you know, just listen to
Piper. Yeah, just listen to Piper.
(02:25):
So what game are we playing? We're actually playing Not Today
murder. Murder.
No murder. OK, so the way that this game
works is kind of like Cards Against Humanity in a sense.
(02:49):
So there are a stack of murder scenarios, they're very funny
murder scenarios. And each player other than the
judge who's holding that murder scenario is going to draw 5
cards and each card is double sided.
Now once they read the murder scenario, they have to go
through their five cards and decide which three cards they
(03:12):
are going to use to save themselves, to try to save their
life. So they can't just be like, oh,
I'm going to use these three cards.
They actually have to create a little story.
Like they have to tell us how they're using these three items
to save their life. And then the next person gets
their turn, and then the judge will decide who lives and dies
and. Well, it's whoever's funny.
Or just smarter. I mean really, it just it could.
(03:34):
Be any judge to decide. Who are we to say how God
functions? Exactly, exactly.
You don't. You don't know.
You don't know. No one knows.
So we are going to do a practiceround and just kind of give you
guys a little bit of taste and then we'll go through and we
will each do a round as the judge after this practice round.
Cool. Everybody, everybody there,
(03:55):
everybody with us. We good.
All right, ladies, Are you ready?
Audience, I can hear you. Yeah.
Speak up, speak up. I'm with you.
Thank you. OK.
So the murder scenario, ladies and peeps, you're late and
stupid, so you take a shortcut down a dark alley on your way to
work when a man pops out of a dumpster with a brick.
(04:18):
Save yourself this. Feels like a real life scenario.
I am late and stupid. Fibers over here are green.
She's a. Little I can't disagree with
that. All right, Piper, how will you
save yourself? Give us your.
Give me a scenario. Well, I am.
I'm late and stupid and going down a dark alley as a cute
(04:40):
woman, none of that's a good idea and a man approaches me
with a brick, so I. He pops out of the dumpster
actually with a brick. Yeah, he was.
That feels premeditated. Have I taken this alley before?
Oh no, you're the only one that knows.
(05:01):
Well, I happen to be carrying a box of fireworks with me.
Oh, OK, smart. I'm gonna say the three legal
ones. That's how I feel.
Those are the best ones. I also have my pet rat, which
I'm gonna sacrifice for my safety.
So I'm gonna strap on my my box of fireworks to my rat.
It's a big rat. It's the size of a small cat.
It's one of those Mexican rats. Yeah, a New York City sewer rat.
(05:25):
Everything's huge, and then I'm gonna feed my pet rat a brick of
cocaine. And I.
Just feel like, I feel like that'll really sort out its
itself, you know, I'll just kindof, I'll Chuck Remy at.
Your rat because there's. Remy now.
Chuck Remy at my potential murderer.
Light the fireworks, Chuck Remy.Remy already has the cocaine
(05:48):
brick of cocaine in his system. Right.
It's not even a fucking bump of cocaine.
It's a fucking. Brick Remy's literally leaping
to his death. Remy has No Fear.
Remy fears no death. He's on a brick of cocaine.
Remy is fear. Yeah, Oh my God, that's going to
be hard to beat. Samara.
How? How are you going to save
yourself? You know, I was feeling pretty
(06:08):
confident with mine. And then there's that.
I did choose this. Game because I wanted an excuse
to be dark and twisted. And I love that, you know that I
love that. You guys, as you know, I mean,
we've talked about Piper before and she really is, even though
she's like biologically my daughter, she's.
My surrogate child, she's. Samara's like soul child.
(06:29):
Yeah, I was born from her soul. I was born from Murli's soul in
my mom's uterus. Yeah, that's that's pretty
accurate actually. I love that that's actually the
only kind of. Child, I want no pain.
Exactly. All right, so I have a a bunch
of those wool dryer balls, OK. And I've got a bottle of bleach.
(06:52):
Getting better. It's getting there.
So I'm going to take those dryerballs and I'm going to soak them
with a full bottle of bleach. And then I'm going to take my
metal ruler and start shooting the balls at the guy and hope
maybe some of the bleach gets inhis eyes and blinds him.
I'm just. Like, OK, because they're so so
(07:13):
I'm just like picturing you, like trying to fling it.
And you know when you like try to fling something that's saucy,
it fucking some of it flings back at you?
You know, like. You're blinding yourself with
bleach. I'll, I'll lean my head to the
to the side just a little bit, right.
Not too much though, because my my, but you know, it's fine.
Well, I I have to say, as the judge, Samara, I'm, I'm sorry
(07:36):
that you chose to go to this alley, but you're you didn't
make it. Yeah.
Piper, on the other hand, you'realive.
Samara's dead. Yeah, she also commits some
arson, but it's fine, She lives.Well and well, I guess.
I. Will It's called self-defense.
And actually, it was Remy that had the arson.
All I did was give Remy the ability to fly.
(08:01):
Well there you have it. That is our practice round.
So now you have a an idea. How this game works of?
How this game works. Yes, beautiful.
All right, Piper, you are the judge.
So you can pick a black card from anywhere in the pile, and
Samara and I are going to pick five possible weapons.
We'll see. Well, five cards so.
(08:21):
OK, this one, I'm actually really excited to do this one
between you and mom. Fuck.
Please watch your profanity. Help me, Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise. OK, I think I got more than 5.
OK, 234. 5-6 OK, here's the. Murder scenario.
(08:44):
Here's the yes, here's your murder scenario.
You get lost in a corn maze layoff.
It's a hard one, OK, when a gangof small blonde children emerge.
Fuck them all. And set the field on fire.
What the fuck? Save yourself OK taking out
those kids A. Corn maze that's harder than it
(09:04):
looks, and then five small. I don't have a good history with
corn mazes. I almost called or your sister
or you and corn maze. That's why I said this would be
a good one between you guys. Man, I almost called on Nazi
children. Oh no.
Oh my gosh. I mean, with what they're doing,
that's pretty. Yeah, so the corn maze is on
(09:27):
fire. Yes, and a gang of small blonde
children set it on fire. Are they coming at me?
I. Don't know am I defending myself
from the children or the fire? Right.
Yeah. Oh.
OK. Shit.
OK, you. Just imagine you're going
through this corn maze. You think you're going to have a
good time and you threw all these evil little giggles and
(09:51):
then you start smelling some smoke and then you just see
flames everywhere. You just are hearing these
giggles. These evil giggles.
I know it's terrible, OK. You got it.
OK, Merle. OK, so I have a joint.
OK, I'm going to light it with the corn that's on fire.
(10:12):
I. Like it?
Give it some flavor, get the kidgang really stoned, and then I'm
going to take them out with thisboomerang that I have.
So you're like buddy, budding upto the enemy just so you can,
you know, get close. Friend of my friend is my enemy,
or whatever enemy of my friend just.
Keep your enemies closer. That's fine, whatever.
(10:33):
So. Enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Whatever. No.
One's my friend in this such an area.
So my joint I get the the kid gang really high.
I have my I have my boomerang. Knock them all out.
OK. And then with my squirt gun, I'm
going to save myself a path through the flames, slowly put.
(10:54):
So is it a magical? Squirt gun or are you?
Maybe it's one of those like Super Soakers.
You don't. No, right, it doesn't specify.
It does do. Whatever you want.
That's fair. OK, you chose Super Soaker.
Yeah, OK. I'm gonna get my path clear to
get out. That's pretty good.
OK so in summary, a bunch of high kids you knocked
unconscious with a boomerang andthen you are squirt gunning your
way out of this fire. Field.
(11:14):
Yep, squirting myself to safety,it's pretty solid.
OK, OK, so I have a rotisserie chicken because you never know
when you're gonna be hungry. It's already cooked though.
Right, so I'm going to take thisrotisserie chicken.
I'm going to fling it at these 5evil children and then oh.
(11:36):
It did not say 5, it said a gang.
A gang I'm going to. Oh, I just assumed how?
Many number? How many do you have to have to
make it a gang? I don't.
Know one of our one of the listeners fact checked and
comment. Yeah, seriously.
OK, so I'm going to toss this rotisserie chicken at them.
All the juices meet. Everything is going to land on
this gang of evil kids. Then I'm going to take my hive
of bees because of all the bees.Bees are carnivorous and I'm
(12:01):
going to set the bees loose on these children and hopefully
they'll sting them in while they're trying to get to the
chicken and. Then I can meat juice.
Yes, and then I can make my getaway as I'm taking my set of
horseshoes and also flinging them at whatever kids might have
gotten away from the bees. How are?
You getting out of the flames. I'm just going to run for it.
I mean, it's only the core that's on fire, not the, not the
(12:22):
path. It's a fire maze.
It's a. Fire Maze.
I'm still just going to have to find my way out.
I'm a Phoenix, but I will have Iwill have these horseshoes in
case they fight me. Those are really intense.
And also I'm just like picturingthe scene from Hunger Games
where she like saws off the likeHornet's knife.
(12:44):
Like that's what I was envisioning.
Like, it's legit. Yeah, It's a legit way to save
myself. Maybe not.
Maybe not from the fire, but from the kids.
I mean at least one of the two. Yeah, you.
You destroyed. Well, you destroyed like one of
your murderers. Only one.
The fire might murder you. Wow.
OK, well. Fuck.
(13:06):
Fine. So am I dead or alive?
Did I survive the gang and die in the fire?
Yeah. Yeah, I.
Think you did. I think you did survive.
The gang won the battle to lose the war, yeah.
I don't know how evil these blonde children are, but I feel
like they they're coming after you.
Some of them survived. That was just.
Fucked. And they're just running.
They're sneaking around you looking.
(13:27):
They're fucking children. You're throwing those horseshoes
and they're just fucking. Dodging.
Why did they dodge her boomerang?
It's a boomerang. It always comes back.
Boomerang just took out the whole gang.
Maybe I'm a boomeranging expert.You know, I feel like I have a
better chance with bees attacking all of them than a
boomerang taking them all out. You never know.
(13:48):
Well, she got them like fucking greened out first, yeah.
I made them. Slow with one joint.
Maybe it's a gag of small. Children, their tolerance is 0.
Exactly, which is why getting stung by these bees, they're
going to all be crying like little bitches.
Come on, that's crazy. OK, this is crazy.
(14:13):
It is. Merle had a plan for the fire
and you didn't. Thank you.
You're coming out with 4th degree?
Burns mom died. I win.
Fine gavel. Here I want to keep my winning
cards. I want to.
I want to know which scenarios I've won.
Here's the scenario. You ring in the New Year's the
old fashioned way, standing in Times Square for hours and
(14:35):
peeing into bottles, and someonetries to poison your 40.
What the? What's a 40?
A beer. A really shitty beer.
Liquor. Probably.
OK, I feel like this is easy. These are too funny.
(14:58):
I. Can't.
I'm so excited to be on this side of it.
Oh my God. OK, I.
Feel like I'm turning into the murderer.
Do you want it one more time? Yeah.
You ring in the New Year's the old fashioned way, standing in
(15:21):
Times Square for hours and peeing into bottles when someone
tries to poison your 40. Save yourself.
OK, this I'm going to save myself.
I'm going to take my toy cell phone.
That's fitting if you're peeing into bottles in public.
And and I'm going to pretend that I get a phone call and I'm
(15:43):
like, bro, bro, it's for you. And I'm going to give them the
toy stop off and then. It's for you and.
Then I'm going to take my bunch of frozen frozen shrimp.
This is all tracking. This is going.
(16:06):
I'm going to swing it upside their head, knock them out just
like stun them, right? Yeah.
And I'm going to take my pack. While they're on the phone.
Yeah, they haven't realized it'sa toy yet.
They're still saying hello. Who's there?
Can you hear me now? They're stunned.
And then while they're on the ground, I'm going to take my
(16:26):
pack of toothpicks and I'm just going to start stabbing them
like toothpicks. That's like a death by 1000
cunts or whatever but toothpick edition.
That's how I survive. Oh my God, I think it might
work. I think so too.
I think I'm onto something. That's crazy.
OK. That's yeah.
Wow. So.
Well, you've got Piper. Wait just to wait.
(16:51):
Can't be better than mine. OK, so I I noticed something's a
little suspicious so I naturallypull out my GIMP mask.
I put that on. I might already be wearing it
'cause I am. I am peeing in public.
And that's true. So I have my GIMP mask on and I
think when I turn around that kind of startles.
(17:12):
I'm startlesome, catches them off guard.
So then I take my large trophy that I carry with me for peeing
in public and I run at them and fucking shove it up their ass.
OK. And then while they're like
stunned from that because they're like this git mask
person I was trying to poison just freaking.
It sodomized me. Sodomized me with their pee
(17:34):
trophy. I'm then going to shove my
bucket of dry ice down their throat.
Oh my God. Oh, you were loving that,
weren't you? You.
Were turning into the murderer and.
That's how I survived. Wow.
There'll be a book. There'll be a.
There'll be a book. We're going to poison in Times,
(17:54):
Times Square. My God, so, so nonchalant.
So yeah, I do it. I think a lot of people are
going to see a really dark side of me if there was no this
episode. Can't wait.
Best introduction. Ever, right?
I know. And she looks so unassuming.
(18:14):
She really does. She just looks like the most
innocent girl next door. Beautiful, just sweetest thing
until she. Puts that get mask on, she turns
into a different being. Yeah, bucket of dry eyes down
the throat and a trophy up the ass.
Here and how you're the winner. And that's how I protect myself.
Wow, in case anybody was thinking of doing something.
(18:37):
I love you, Piper. I love that one, but I'm going
to go with Death by Toothpicks because that's.
Hilarious. I can't.
Be mad about that. She's going to turn someone into
a fucking porcupine. Thank you.
They're. Going to look like.
Image. What was the one guy that old
like 80s horror, 90s horrors like pin cushion or pin cushion?
(18:59):
Pinhead, Pinhead. Yeah, it'll.
Make him look like Pinhead can pin your cushion.
What movie is that? Piper, you.
Got to watch, was that? Hellraiser.
Hellraiser. Yeah.
Have you ever seen that? Oh, you should watch it.
You probably like it. It's pretty I've heard of.
That I've heard of that. Yeah.
It's pretty. It's people, she says.
Yeah. Well, here's your your winning
card. Yay.
We've all won. We've all won.
(19:21):
I love this. Well I mean your your one that
you won was technically the warmup, so let's see if you win for
real reals. Oh, I will.
For reals, you. Reals.
I will will. I will will will will will pick
your 5 cards ladies. Not sure which one to no to go
with. They are both really good.
That's how I felt about the other one.
(19:42):
But I feel like this is the winner.
This is a really fucking heavy microphone.
I had no, I'm like Jesus. You should have duct tape them
to your hands. OK, Are you ready for your
murders? Murda?
Are you ready for your Moda scenario?
Sorry, is Moda to go? OK, OK, you're at the local
(20:07):
bakery supporting small businesses as you 2 do by buying
a sheet cake that you're going to eat all alone in your car.
Oh. Oh, when you're captured in a
flower sack, what? Save yourself.
What is it? The 1940s.
(20:28):
Flower sack it. Was a really big flower sack
they. Had to go thrift shopping for
it. They actually.
Got it at the same market. That's where they scouted us.
Yeah, they come here once a weekto buy a sheet cake needed to
load in their car. Wow, that's depressing.
That is depressing. Even for me, man, I swear.
(20:49):
I'm not depressed, I'm supporting local business.
Man, OK, they attacked me. So is the murder, I guess.
So I'm I'm in a bag. He's like, I'm not a bad, he's
not, I'm not a bad guy. I'm just supporting local
business. Well, it's just he's also.
Running a flower set, Yeah. Yeah, but it says like you're
captured in a flower sack, whichmakes it seem like it like
covers your whole body. But let's just assume that it's
(21:10):
just covering your head, becausethat's just weird.
Yeah, OK. I was like, how big is this
flower sack? I'm picturing it being burlap.
Like the just I was too, it feels.
Yeah, yeah. Especially with Piper's time
time frame. Yeah, agreed.
It's so fucking hot in here. My tits are sweating, my palms
are sweating, my feet are. All of me is sweating.
(21:32):
They're sweating. So fucking hot in here.
Why don't you guys get AC in here?
They both just look at me like what the fuck is your house?
Yeah, it's her fucking office library.
This is hard. I have two of my cards.
I'm trying to decide on my thirdone this week.
Two, I have two, I just need my last one.
OK, well. All right.
(22:09):
Touch of tism. Is there a tism in the air?
OK, I've got mine. Do you got yours?
Yeah, I think so, but you fucking liar.
I think I do. You guys, the Jeopardy song is
up. OK, OK.
Sorry, Alex. Wow, you guys really are
related. This is crazy.
You guys would not even. You guys probably don't even
(22:29):
believe that Piper's my child right now, do you?
It's like, there's no way. No, this is definitely.
Until based on me, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no getting around that, OK.
Piper, how are you saving yourself when you go to the
local bakery supporting a small business?
By buying a sheet cake to eat all alone in your car when
you're captured in a flower sack.
OK, so clearly this is a weekly occurrence.
(22:50):
OK. I feel like I was scouted.
This person watched me. It was premeditated.
I you. Just love that it's
premeditated, yeah. Yeah, I do.
Little did they know I was also watching them.
OK, so instead of me sitting in the driver's seat eating my
sheet cake alone, it was my Halloween skeleton.
(23:13):
Life sized. I was hiding in the back seat.
OK, eating her sheet cake. Eating my sheet cake.
I got 2 at this time. They didn't clock that.
Then when my murderer, potentialmurderer, I see him, he comes
into the car. It's so dark.
There's no St. lights in this parking lot.
(23:33):
Oh, so you're buying your cake at night?
Yeah. Like the bakery's about to
close. Yeah.
It's the underground market. It's it's, it's the night
market. It happens yearly.
So he sneaks into the back seat,but it's so dark.
He doesn't, you know, he's not even thinking about being there
another person. He's not thinking about me
sitting in the back seat also. And I'm just kind of, you know,
(23:54):
I'm in ball block. I'm hiding in the dark and my
skeleton looks just like me. The skeleton.
Impressive. OK.
She's an artist, yeah. That is really impressive.
And honestly, he's not really looking.
He just knows this is my routine.
He's not really thinking too much about it.
OK, OK, so he's. A dumb, dumb kidnapper.
So then he goes, he goes to he goes to do it and then realizes
it's like in the bones are shaking the.
(24:16):
Bones. Are he's a little caught off
guard I RIP the flower bag from him and put my sort of pool
balls in it and start beating the shit out of him.
OK, wow. And then I take my Saran wrap
and I wrap it around his face and stuff again.
(24:37):
I was like, that's. Not too bad.
Oh, there it is. Wow you just been so dark, just
fucked up. Maybe the next one to die.
That's hilarious. That was really good.
Piper, you're really good at this.
Like story building. It's really I love this.
Game creative writing. I really, yeah, I really am
(24:57):
digging this so much. This would have made English
class way easier. Oh yeah, prompts like this?
Are you kidding me? Oh yeah.
That got me lightheaded. I would have used and have used
this game and if I was still in like a writing class.
I would have had to go talk to acounselor probably.
They were like, I think you needto see somebody.
I think you might need some professionals.
How is your home line? I was just going to say how is?
(25:19):
Everything at home not great. It's not good.
I eat a sheet cake alone every day.
Every day, Yeah. Went from once a year to once a
week. Now it's every day.
Things are escalating. They really are.
I just survived being murdered. Yeah, OK, Samara, how are you
going to start getting murdered?So he's, he breaks into my car,
(25:40):
naturally puts the, the bag on my head.
OK, but I whip out my laser pointer and start hitting the,
the different glass windows in my, in my car.
You know, try to distract him, maybe get him in the eye, at
least distract him kind of like a cat, you know?
And then I'm going to take my box of candy canes out because I
know exactly where they are and I'm gonna start whitting them
(26:02):
bitches into shivs. I was.
Gonna say are they are they pre?Sharpened.
Were you walking? Around the farmer's market with
your fucking. Yeah, I never finish a box.
I just do it until they were a Shiv and then I put them back,
pick up a new one. So White, Piper said.
Pre shivved pre Shiv guy and then he gets.
Shivved with a candy cane. Multiple candy cane the box.
(26:24):
That might be sharper than your.Two pick 2 picks, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I can get that here for sure.
Fine, fine point. And then, you know, he's
freaking out. I get the bag off my head and
then I pour white out into his eyes.
Oh my God. OK, a big fan of this.
One. And then I go back to eating my
(26:45):
sheet cake in peace. I'll deal with you later.
Yep, he's just squirming in the back seat.
Yeah, and I tell him to. I'm almost slowly.
Bleeding out and she's just. Ruining my cake experience.
Candy canes just bleeding. Slowly dissolving into him.
That's disgusting. I'm just like imagining him with
like, the white out in his eyes,can't see anything, and then
(27:08):
he's trying to find all the candy canes that are stabbed
into him and he's trying to pullthem out.
Oh my God. In a way.
But they're sticky, and that's just like a sensory overload.
Yeah, I hope he dies just from that.
I kind of turned him into a candy cane himself with the his
blood and then the white out, you know?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so candy man, candy man. There's a candy man can
(27:35):
everyone? 'S going to think that he was
the victim. They are going to think he was
the victim and they're going to look at Samara and be like I'm
sorry. Also with you too.
Are you sure you were the victim?
Like this seems premeditated, ma'am.
Just preparedness. Just had a set of pool balls.
Well. Yeah, you never know.
You want to play some pool? You never know when.
(27:56):
You're just like, you're just like you had the skeleton in the
front seat looking like you. I mean, you were in the back
waiting for him. This seems premeditated.
Well, I'm more impressed that you got the balls in the sack
quietly. Just took a dark turn.
It really did. And honestly, I I think that you
survived. What can I say?
I mean to be fair I think Samir also survived but there can only
(28:18):
be 11 survivor. Yep.
And you know what? I'll happily take that.
Yep. Yeah.
OK, on another day, candy canes.That was amazing and I think we
definitely need to play this game like we need to have like a
game night and play this. Game oh 100%.
Yeah, that's what I keep saying.I I want a game night.
But also, I think this should bethe game that we play when we
(28:39):
have guests on the show because this is just this.
Is perfect, shows a lot about the personality.
Really guys, you were dark and twisted.
She's perfection. Thank you.
I just anytime, anytime I start to get dark and twisted like
during a game, I just think about what Grandma said to me
when we were in Leavenworth for Christmas or something.
(29:01):
It was. And I don't know if we're
playing like Pictionary or. There was some like, it was like
a dirty version, yeah. And I don't even remember, I
don't remember the exact words grandma used, but she was like.
And she looks so innocent. Yeah, Yep.
And I could see Grandma was a little impressed.
I could see that in her eyes. Yeah, she was for sure.
(29:23):
I could definitely see that. But I do remember when she said
that I was like, no, mom, this is what I've been trying to tell
you. Yeah, your daughter and my
daughter are like the same person.
They look so innocent. And until we talk.
Until they open their mouth and then you're like, there's
something wrong with them. Like they're just dark and
twisty. Yeah, I think about that every
(29:45):
time. Every time I'm dark and twisty,
I think about. I think about, 'cause I can.
How? Proud Gramma Tina would be.
Yeah, well, I can just see her face when she was saying it to
me, and I just remember my face getting like I was just freaking
cheesing. Yeah.
Yeah. It's like she was saying how
proud she was of me. I just basically, yeah,
basically. She did love that for sure.
(30:05):
Yeah. All right, well, I hope that you
guys enjoyed this episode. Like we said, it was a little
short 1. Mini sowed.
Mini, mini, mini, so many, many.And it was sowed.
It was a good it was a good run for having our very first guest.
Piper, thank you so much. Guys, thank you for having me in
my own house. You're welcome.
(30:28):
So honored to be in this room. Keep up the good.
Work and we'll invite you back right the.
First time you've been invited into this room while we were
recording. Yeah.
Normally, if she needs to talk to us, she'll quietly open the
door very slowly and then just. Like a murderer.
Stare at us quickly. Like a murderer until.
I make eye contact with Samara, and I make eye contact with
(30:50):
Piper, and then Samara looks andit's like, oh, time to pause.
Pause. OK.
Yes, never been for anything important either.
No. At least you're self aware.
Yeah, yeah, we'll have a long. Way we'll have her back because
I feel like she's just like she's really fun and I think the
chemistry here is just. It's good stuff.
It's it's nice to have another version of me in the room.
(31:12):
Yeah, You know, sometimes you need to lighten the load.
You tear the load. I'm really.
Pretty funny, yeah. Yeah, I love this.
OK, well, let us know what you guys thought about Piper.
If you say anything mean, you will be the next scenario on
this game. Yeah.
You you heard how we kill peoplein here.
Yeah, that's right. So that'll be all good comments,
(31:33):
yeah. You never know, she can have a
rat in her back pocket at any time.
The brick of coke. He's already been coked up.
He's just waiting to go. At this point, Remy's just a
rabid rat. Just waiting.
All she needs to do is no. He's.
Just in withdrawal, it's not. That might actually be worse,
actually. He's gonna just fucking.
Just throw the bag of coke onto the person and then let Remy
(31:56):
loose. Yeah, Then stop.
I was just having an idea. Yeah.
Then Remy will just like eat himas he's.
Getting his well, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was
thinking. Fucking deprive Remy of his coke
then. This used to be like an old
torture thing that people would do, but you put the You
basically starve the rat. Yeah, and then you put them on
(32:16):
the persons stomach with a container on top of.
It and they have to eat their way.
Out and they're eat they eat their way out well, you gotta.
Actually, they eat their way. In yeah, you.
Eat. So they're trying to get away
from it, Yeah. I feel like I need to have hyper
back so we can cover like a serial killer or something or
just like medieval tortures. Well, we, we went to Saint
Augustine a couple years ago in Florida.
(32:38):
They had a medieval torture museum.
It was amazing it. Really was amazing.
Ever. It was the first thing ever
awesome. And they had like like wax
figures that you could like do the torture to on some of them.
It was crazy. There was 1 like you could dunk
a witch which personally I didn't appreciate.
Yeah, that's fair. But then they had like this
(32:59):
whole wall and it was just like,it was like, what's it like
genital torture devices? Yes, and you know, they're like
crazy chastity belts for men andthey like.
Terrifying. There are ones for penises and
vaginas. Do they have like spikes for the
penises? There was like crazy.
Even the ones for a vagina for vaginas were fun.
Vaginas. Vaginas.
(33:20):
They were terrified and also they were all made of metal.
Like imagine the infections. I mean would you rather it be
wood and like get splinters? I'd rather it be wood.
Yeah, but I'd rather just be if I'm gonna get there, yeah.
There was some wood stuff, but it was, it was crazy.
It was super cool. You would love that.
Yeah, that sounds awesome. For real, it was amazing.
(33:40):
When I when I lived there, you need to come visit because it's
Saint Augustine's, right next toJacksonville.
Yeah, no, I'll have to come visit and then I want to go to
New Orleans so bad and go on. Like those tours all?
Of them, every single fucking one every night.
Oh yeah, I'll take Piper. It's fine.
Yeah, Mom can go get drunk on Bourbon Street.
Yeah, that sounds great. I'll do that.
(34:02):
You guys just make it back alive.
We need. The buddy system though, Someone
needs to get drunk with her on bourbon.
Street right, you have to go to least one.
Bourbon Street to get drunk or aghost.
On a ghost one. I like Piper's idea.
I just eat somebody. Like a bus 1 where you're not
getting out they. Got Yeah, we did do one of those
in Saint. Augustine so you can do another
one with. Me, that wasn't.
Was it St. Yeah, it was Saint Augustine,
but it was not. Yeah, Saint Augustine was cute
(34:24):
though I fucked with the. It is such a cool.
I remember. Pictures, Yeah, for sure.
OK well, honey, enjoy this. We'll be we'll be back next week
and. We will have Piper back.
Again at some point so. Yeah, going on it down below.
Yeah, we'll, we'll make a. Poll indeed.
(34:45):
I just wanted to hit the button.It's fine, whatever.
Oh my God. OK, well we'll see you guys next
week. Thank you for joining us for
this short episode and love y'all bye.
Toodles.
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