May 20, 2025 • 18 mins
Overcoming sexual abuse and the difficulties it brings. These are the difficulties I had to overcome as a child. Mental health is a challenge to achieve, but not impossible.
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Forged in thought. Built in Truth. Spoken from experience.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:10):
ever been lost in your thoughts?
Randomness?
A thought pops into your headand you don't know where it came
from.
Many times it's your past.
Things that have happened thathave not let you go.
(00:32):
Why have they hung on?
Let's talk about that.
I'm the Time Smith.
I hope you've had time to lookaround.
If you haven't understoodentirely what's happening here,
(00:55):
well, this is the mind ofbrokenness.
Have you ever thought about whatit looks like inside?
Well, I want to give you aglimpse.
I have a question, though.
Have you ever felt like you seethe world behind a lens?
(01:17):
Maybe that lens is fear.
Maybe that lens is anxiety.
Maybe that lens is trauma.
When you look at things, theydon't really look like what you
would expect.
Well, let's venture down again.
Let's see what we find.
(01:37):
You know, as I come in here, Ilook around and it's not always
determined as to what I wannasay or what I wanna show.
Other than that, I want to showthe space that I've created
that's helped me to function.
Well, when I was young,somewhere about four or five
(02:00):
years old, I had an experiencethat changed my life forever.
It was a Sunday and we went tochurch, normal.
And after church, we ended upvisiting some friends and at an
apartment.
(02:22):
My siblings and I, as usual,would play hide and go seek or
cops and robbers.
Some type of game where we'rechasing each other and running
around the whole complex.
Well, let's find that room.
(02:42):
I do have to say that this isnot a first floor thing.
And I have wanted to share thispart so that maybe we can
understand what everything elseis.
So as usual, we have the counterin front of us.
We have the stairs to the rightand the elevator to our left.
(03:06):
But on this one, we're going totake the elevator.
We're going to go a little bitdeeper.
Part of going down deep ishaving to get out.
Having to get out soon enoughwhere we don't get stuck.
I know that there's many peoplethat go into their heads so deep
and they never come out.
(03:28):
I was in here a long time tryingto figure this one out.
But I would say that I've cometo terms with what I saw.
Please be advised that this issomething that is explicit.
And it's not for every listener.
I'm not a doctor either.
Again, I'm just somebody whowants to share.
(03:53):
So let's get in the elevator.
We don't have to go all the waydown.
But for this one, we'll justpush the fourth.
For this one, we'll just pushthe fourth floor.
And as we go down, like normalin an elevator, it shakes a bit.
(04:14):
You look around, there's reallyno music, but the lights do get
dimmer as we go lower.
Well, here we are at the fourthfloor.
Watch your step.
As we step out, we can't reallysee the staircase.
(04:35):
It's not as lit up.
I have spent some time trying toadjust the lighting in here, but
again, that takes a lot of workto light up which means bring
the truth to these situations.
And I've been trying to bringthe truth to most of it, but
this is the core.
(04:56):
Well, let's walk up to the room.
On this Sunday morning, we wentto church like usual.
And this is less of a pictureand more of a moment.
But after church, we drove to afriend's house.
(05:17):
And as we ran around, one of theolder girls, a teenager, she
would always kind of pick on meand tell me I look cute and that
I was a good boy and that typeof language.
I'd have to say that as a fouror five year old, it did melt my
(05:38):
heart.
So if she wanted me to sit onher lap, I would sit on her lap.
She wanted to tickle me.
I'd let her.
The thing with this situation isthat as she called me over, I
ended up following her into thehouse and up her room.
(06:00):
I remember passing my parents onthe couch as they laughed with
their friends.
The couch was about my eyelevel.
I was a real small child.
And I ran up the stairs.
don't ask me why my parents justlet me run around but it's just
the way it was when i was inthat room there was another
(06:23):
young lady and there was a boyin there and here's where it
gets kind of murky i ended upblanking out at this moment but
when i woke up my pants weredown to my knees and I was
stuffed in a closet.
(06:46):
I remember looking at her inconfusion and the boy laughed
and the other girl was in shock.
She didn't say nothing exceptkeep her head down.
It wasn't just my pants down, itwas everything.
So I went ahead and pulledeverything up and I ran out.
(07:11):
I ran down the stairs and I ranpast my mom and my dad and past
the couch and I went outside theapartment complex.
I kind of looked back at thedoor as if the door was to
blame.
And I remember looking out andbeing aware of where I was at.
(07:35):
The world hadn't looked likethis to me.
It never did look like this tome.
But now I was able to identify aparking structure, the cars in
front of me.
There was a tennis court to myleft with people playing in
there, and it was the kind thathas the basketball courts inside
(07:57):
of them.
And in the distance, I heard oneof my brothers yell, not it.
That's what we would say when wewould play freestyle.
And whoever was last Well, theywould be the ones who would
chase the other kids.
I kind of looked up because thesky looked kind of red.
(08:19):
It looked different.
Everything looked different.
But I ran off and said, not it,and kept on playing.
Why don't we step out of thisroom?
Many times I've come into thisroom and I've changed things.
(08:46):
I've fought in my parents to goto church and I've told them,
and I've told them, I don't wantto go to church today.
And in that very moment, in thatmemory, my mom would scold me
and spank me and force me intothe car.
(09:06):
It wasn't reality.
It was just a thought.
She would drag me to the car.
I would tell her I didn't wantto go today.
In other moments, I decided tostay in the car when we ended up
at our friend's house.
Needless to say, that I'veplayed the situation out very
(09:30):
differently many times.
Well, you could see why I wouldwant to change it.
For a long time I thought thatthis was just molestation.
I think until I got older Ifinally accepted what it was.
And it wasn't easy.
(09:53):
I had been wondering when do Isay this, but in order for me to
be able to continue to tell youabout these rooms and structure,
I had to lay out exactly why mymind was processing even some of
the simplest information likethis.
Well, after that moment, I wouldsee the world through a lens.
(10:19):
When innocence is taken away atsuch a young age, all you can do
is mimic.
You can mimic a laugh and youcan mimic a smile.
That's not to say that therewasn't moments that I was
genuinely happy and I hadforgotten.
As I've gotten older, again, I'mstill staring in this room.
(10:45):
But as I have gotten older, sixyears old, seven years old,
there was times that my mindwould think about that and ask
myself, what happened?
Most children at that age don'tunderstand what sexual contact
really is.
And I kept looking at this lifethrough a lens.
(11:08):
I come from a strong family.
I wasn't allowed to sit thereand cry.
I wasn't allowed to talk aboutour business.
And in fact, I never even toldmy mom what happened or my dad
or my brothers for that matter.
I kept it to myself.
(11:29):
We come from an era, well, letme retrace that, I come from an
era that we don't talk aboutwhat happens.
We didn't go to school and tellour teachers what was happening
at home.
We didn't call the cops.
We just dealt with it.
But the lens I was behind was alens that I was different now.
(11:56):
I'm not sure if I knew exactlywhat that lens was at that age.
But there was times when thatlens would have shadows on the
corners and life wasn't asvisible.
Life wasn't as clear.
(12:16):
So why do I share this?
I share this because when Ithink about those that I've met
with the same circumstances andthe troubles that we feel in
this life, It becomes verydifficult as we get older to
come to a point of reasoning andaccepting, not condoning, and
(12:40):
definitely not something wherewe want to relive it, not be the
givers of this pain, and notever have to be a taker of it
again.
Once is enough.
And this room is a large room.
I could tell you that if I pokemy head in there, I could
(13:03):
probably even smell the scentsof that day.
I could probably tell you aboutthe cars.
And reliving it, that'ssuffering.
The lens of suffering.
I think many times that's whatthose who have this experience
(13:27):
deal with.
a lens of suffering.
So why did I want to show youthis?
I wanted to show you thisbecause it was a mess in here
because of this.
Well, if I were to say it evenmore transparently, because of
this moment, my life became amess.
(13:47):
I inherited someone's darkfeelings.
I inherited someone's evilthoughts.
Well, that's what I inherited.
Something evil.
And for the life of me, I triedto detach myself many times.
I've seen people go down to thedepths and want to stay there.
(14:11):
Yes, including the dreaded Sword, right?
Suicide.
Well, I powered through my lifeand through my teenage years.
And that's what I want to show.
The decisions that came fromthis.
What did it cause in my life andwhat did it bring?
So I do want to show that.
(14:33):
I want to show how this broughtaddiction into my life.
I do want to show how it broughtbrokenness.
I do want to show you thatthere's a way to overcome.
It's not easy and it's not forthe faint of heart.
Let's take a look back in therereal quick.
The way you see it now is theway it happened.
(14:55):
I didn't kick and scream.
I didn't tell my mom or my dad Ididn't want to go to church that
day.
I didn't tell them that I don'twant to visit their friends.
I didn't act out.
That day played out like anyother normal Sunday.
Well, up until the moment.
And it's been very difficult todeal with the lens of suffering.
(15:20):
Do you know it?
Well, if you do, why don't youdo me a favor?
Let's just, let's just step out.
It's not happening right now.
That's suffering, replaying it,feeling and thinking about it
over and over and over again.
(15:41):
This room I keep closed.
And there's times that yes, Ivisit it to remind myself where
I come from.
Many times as a child, I wouldtell myself that I was trash.
Those are things we had toovercome.
Those are things that I had toovercome.
And because I do feel that I'mspeaking to somebody, that's why
I say we.
(16:01):
But as I record it, it's justme.
But there's a way to overcomeit.
And the first step is, it'slet's get out of our head.
When I look around, I have ajob.
I have a trade.
I have a passion.
I have a family.
And I think about that.
(16:24):
How fortunate I can be.
that I can breathe, that I canlove, and that I've been loved.
So sometimes when I walk awayfrom this room, I kind of
backpedal away from it as Istare it.
Sometimes as I get out of thisroom, I backpedal and look at
(16:49):
that room.
Let's just go back to theelevator.
You know, when I look at thesebuttons and knowing that there's
floors below us, moments thatare darker than that.
What that moment caused in mylife caused darker moments,
addiction, violence, anger.
(17:11):
But let's go up.
We'll just push the forge.
Well, as we go up, I think aboutthe forge.
Why it had to be the forge?
Because there had to be ahardening.
There had to be a strength.
That this moment wouldn'tconsume me.
(17:31):
But it did, for a long time.
And I had to quench it.
I had to stop it.
Well, from here on out, maybeyou'll understand a little bit
more why everything is in myhead.
It thrusted me down there.
This evil pushed me down reallylow.
(17:54):
and I want to continue to showhow I overcame.
And in that moment, I finallycame to terms that that's what
happened to me.
Let's step out of the elevator.
Watcher said, not everything hasto be profound.
In this case, it's just aboutsharing.
(18:14):
Do you know the lens ofsuffering and what has it caused
you to do?
You might not speak about it,but I do.
And I hope that if you are inyour head today, that you could
step out.
Well, I say we get out of theforge today.
So as a reminder, if you feellost, remember, you can be
(18:37):
found.
If you feel unloved, you areloved.
God bless you.
Have a great day.
I am the Timesmith.
ever been lost in your thoughts?
Randomness?
A thought pops into your headand you don't know where it came
from.
Many times it's your past.
Things that have happened thathave not let you go.
(00:32):
Why have they hung on?
Let's talk about that.
I'm the Time Smith.
I hope you've had time to lookaround.
If you haven't understoodentirely what's happening here,
(00:55):
well, this is the mind ofbrokenness.
Have you ever thought about whatit looks like inside?
Well, I want to give you aglimpse.
I have a question, though.
Have you ever felt like you seethe world behind a lens?
(01:17):
Maybe that lens is fear.
Maybe that lens is anxiety.
Maybe that lens is trauma.
When you look at things, theydon't really look like what you
would expect.
Well, let's venture down again.
Let's see what we find.
(01:37):
You know, as I come in here, Ilook around and it's not always
determined as to what I wannasay or what I wanna show.
Other than that, I want to showthe space that I've created
that's helped me to function.
Well, when I was young,somewhere about four or five
(02:00):
years old, I had an experiencethat changed my life forever.
It was a Sunday and we went tochurch, normal.
And after church, we ended upvisiting some friends and at an
apartment.
(02:22):
My siblings and I, as usual,would play hide and go seek or
cops and robbers.
Some type of game where we'rechasing each other and running
around the whole complex.
Well, let's find that room.
(02:42):
I do have to say that this isnot a first floor thing.
And I have wanted to share thispart so that maybe we can
understand what everything elseis.
So as usual, we have the counterin front of us.
We have the stairs to the rightand the elevator to our left.
(03:06):
But on this one, we're going totake the elevator.
We're going to go a little bitdeeper.
Part of going down deep ishaving to get out.
Having to get out soon enoughwhere we don't get stuck.
I know that there's many peoplethat go into their heads so deep
and they never come out.
(03:28):
I was in here a long time tryingto figure this one out.
But I would say that I've cometo terms with what I saw.
Please be advised that this issomething that is explicit.
And it's not for every listener.
I'm not a doctor either.
Again, I'm just somebody whowants to share.
(03:53):
So let's get in the elevator.
We don't have to go all the waydown.
But for this one, we'll justpush the fourth.
For this one, we'll just pushthe fourth floor.
And as we go down, like normalin an elevator, it shakes a bit.
(04:14):
You look around, there's reallyno music, but the lights do get
dimmer as we go lower.
Well, here we are at the fourthfloor.
Watch your step.
As we step out, we can't reallysee the staircase.
(04:35):
It's not as lit up.
I have spent some time trying toadjust the lighting in here, but
again, that takes a lot of workto light up which means bring
the truth to these situations.
And I've been trying to bringthe truth to most of it, but
this is the core.
(04:56):
Well, let's walk up to the room.
On this Sunday morning, we wentto church like usual.
And this is less of a pictureand more of a moment.
But after church, we drove to afriend's house.
(05:17):
And as we ran around, one of theolder girls, a teenager, she
would always kind of pick on meand tell me I look cute and that
I was a good boy and that typeof language.
I'd have to say that as a fouror five year old, it did melt my
(05:38):
heart.
So if she wanted me to sit onher lap, I would sit on her lap.
She wanted to tickle me.
I'd let her.
The thing with this situation isthat as she called me over, I
ended up following her into thehouse and up her room.
(06:00):
I remember passing my parents onthe couch as they laughed with
their friends.
The couch was about my eyelevel.
I was a real small child.
And I ran up the stairs.
don't ask me why my parents justlet me run around but it's just
the way it was when i was inthat room there was another
(06:23):
young lady and there was a boyin there and here's where it
gets kind of murky i ended upblanking out at this moment but
when i woke up my pants weredown to my knees and I was
stuffed in a closet.
(06:46):
I remember looking at her inconfusion and the boy laughed
and the other girl was in shock.
She didn't say nothing exceptkeep her head down.
It wasn't just my pants down, itwas everything.
So I went ahead and pulledeverything up and I ran out.
(07:11):
I ran down the stairs and I ranpast my mom and my dad and past
the couch and I went outside theapartment complex.
I kind of looked back at thedoor as if the door was to
blame.
And I remember looking out andbeing aware of where I was at.
(07:35):
The world hadn't looked likethis to me.
It never did look like this tome.
But now I was able to identify aparking structure, the cars in
front of me.
There was a tennis court to myleft with people playing in
there, and it was the kind thathas the basketball courts inside
(07:57):
of them.
And in the distance, I heard oneof my brothers yell, not it.
That's what we would say when wewould play freestyle.
And whoever was last Well, theywould be the ones who would
chase the other kids.
I kind of looked up because thesky looked kind of red.
(08:19):
It looked different.
Everything looked different.
But I ran off and said, not it,and kept on playing.
Why don't we step out of thisroom?
Many times I've come into thisroom and I've changed things.
(08:46):
I've fought in my parents to goto church and I've told them,
and I've told them, I don't wantto go to church today.
And in that very moment, in thatmemory, my mom would scold me
and spank me and force me intothe car.
(09:06):
It wasn't reality.
It was just a thought.
She would drag me to the car.
I would tell her I didn't wantto go today.
In other moments, I decided tostay in the car when we ended up
at our friend's house.
Needless to say, that I'veplayed the situation out very
(09:30):
differently many times.
Well, you could see why I wouldwant to change it.
For a long time I thought thatthis was just molestation.
I think until I got older Ifinally accepted what it was.
And it wasn't easy.
(09:53):
I had been wondering when do Isay this, but in order for me to
be able to continue to tell youabout these rooms and structure,
I had to lay out exactly why mymind was processing even some of
the simplest information likethis.
Well, after that moment, I wouldsee the world through a lens.
(10:19):
When innocence is taken away atsuch a young age, all you can do
is mimic.
You can mimic a laugh and youcan mimic a smile.
That's not to say that therewasn't moments that I was
genuinely happy and I hadforgotten.
As I've gotten older, again, I'mstill staring in this room.
(10:45):
But as I have gotten older, sixyears old, seven years old,
there was times that my mindwould think about that and ask
myself, what happened?
Most children at that age don'tunderstand what sexual contact
really is.
And I kept looking at this lifethrough a lens.
(11:08):
I come from a strong family.
I wasn't allowed to sit thereand cry.
I wasn't allowed to talk aboutour business.
And in fact, I never even toldmy mom what happened or my dad
or my brothers for that matter.
I kept it to myself.
(11:29):
We come from an era, well, letme retrace that, I come from an
era that we don't talk aboutwhat happens.
We didn't go to school and tellour teachers what was happening
at home.
We didn't call the cops.
We just dealt with it.
But the lens I was behind was alens that I was different now.
(11:56):
I'm not sure if I knew exactlywhat that lens was at that age.
But there was times when thatlens would have shadows on the
corners and life wasn't asvisible.
Life wasn't as clear.
(12:16):
So why do I share this?
I share this because when Ithink about those that I've met
with the same circumstances andthe troubles that we feel in
this life, It becomes verydifficult as we get older to
come to a point of reasoning andaccepting, not condoning, and
(12:40):
definitely not something wherewe want to relive it, not be the
givers of this pain, and notever have to be a taker of it
again.
Once is enough.
And this room is a large room.
I could tell you that if I pokemy head in there, I could
(13:03):
probably even smell the scentsof that day.
I could probably tell you aboutthe cars.
And reliving it, that'ssuffering.
The lens of suffering.
I think many times that's whatthose who have this experience
(13:27):
deal with.
a lens of suffering.
So why did I want to show youthis?
I wanted to show you thisbecause it was a mess in here
because of this.
Well, if I were to say it evenmore transparently, because of
this moment, my life became amess.
(13:47):
I inherited someone's darkfeelings.
I inherited someone's evilthoughts.
Well, that's what I inherited.
Something evil.
And for the life of me, I triedto detach myself many times.
I've seen people go down to thedepths and want to stay there.
(14:11):
Yes, including the dreaded Sword, right?
Suicide.
Well, I powered through my lifeand through my teenage years.
And that's what I want to show.
The decisions that came fromthis.
What did it cause in my life andwhat did it bring?
So I do want to show that.
(14:33):
I want to show how this broughtaddiction into my life.
I do want to show how it broughtbrokenness.
I do want to show you thatthere's a way to overcome.
It's not easy and it's not forthe faint of heart.
Let's take a look back in therereal quick.
The way you see it now is theway it happened.
(14:55):
I didn't kick and scream.
I didn't tell my mom or my dad Ididn't want to go to church that
day.
I didn't tell them that I don'twant to visit their friends.
I didn't act out.
That day played out like anyother normal Sunday.
Well, up until the moment.
And it's been very difficult todeal with the lens of suffering.
(15:20):
Do you know it?
Well, if you do, why don't youdo me a favor?
Let's just, let's just step out.
It's not happening right now.
That's suffering, replaying it,feeling and thinking about it
over and over and over again.
(15:41):
This room I keep closed.
And there's times that yes, Ivisit it to remind myself where
I come from.
Many times as a child, I wouldtell myself that I was trash.
Those are things we had toovercome.
Those are things that I had toovercome.
And because I do feel that I'mspeaking to somebody, that's why
I say we.
(16:01):
But as I record it, it's justme.
But there's a way to overcomeit.
And the first step is, it'slet's get out of our head.
When I look around, I have ajob.
I have a trade.
I have a passion.
I have a family.
And I think about that.
(16:24):
How fortunate I can be.
that I can breathe, that I canlove, and that I've been loved.
So sometimes when I walk awayfrom this room, I kind of
backpedal away from it as Istare it.
Sometimes as I get out of thisroom, I backpedal and look at
(16:49):
that room.
Let's just go back to theelevator.
You know, when I look at thesebuttons and knowing that there's
floors below us, moments thatare darker than that.
What that moment caused in mylife caused darker moments,
addiction, violence, anger.
(17:11):
But let's go up.
We'll just push the forge.
Well, as we go up, I think aboutthe forge.
Why it had to be the forge?
Because there had to be ahardening.
There had to be a strength.
That this moment wouldn'tconsume me.
(17:31):
But it did, for a long time.
And I had to quench it.
I had to stop it.
Well, from here on out, maybeyou'll understand a little bit
more why everything is in myhead.
It thrusted me down there.
This evil pushed me down reallylow.
(17:54):
and I want to continue to showhow I overcame.
And in that moment, I finallycame to terms that that's what
happened to me.
Let's step out of the elevator.
Watcher said, not everything hasto be profound.
In this case, it's just aboutsharing.
(18:14):
Do you know the lens ofsuffering and what has it caused
you to do?
You might not speak about it,but I do.
And I hope that if you are inyour head today, that you could
step out.
Well, I say we get out of theforge today.
So as a reminder, if you feellost, remember, you can be
(18:37):
found.
If you feel unloved, you areloved.
God bless you.
Have a great day.
I am the Timesmith.
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.