In this tape, two residents attempt to solve problems they clearly do not understand, beginning with the collapse of the township’s food supply and spiraling into Dave’s catastrophic “shed incident” involving a porcupine, several gallons of maple syrup, and far too much confidence. What follows is a wandering, deeply unhelpful conversation covering toilet paper hoarding, black licorice optimism, dangerous transportation ideas, and a revolutionary invention meant to help men fake childbirth empathy. As usual, nothing is resolved and everything somehow gets worse.
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Episode Transcript
Okay, we'll script a little bit.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
All right, no sense.
Speaker (00:38):
Sure don't.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Well then why'd you say it?
Speaker (00:40):
Well, I gotta fill up time.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I'm trying to find practical resolvation of
problems that uh relate to ourfood supply.
That's okay.
Speaker (00:53):
I'm trying to find practical solutions for
resolving the toilet papersituation that Dave left us
with.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Dave left us with?
I'm unaware.
So what's this?
Speaker (01:01):
Oh, but you haven't been in the outpost lately, have
you?
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Outpost?
Well, it depends which one.
Shed one, shed five, or shedsix A.
Speaker (01:09):
Shit, shed six.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I ain't never been there.
Speaker (01:11):
Yeah, you don't want to.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Well, what happened?
Speaker (01:14):
I think he had a couple too many maple syrup shots.
He went in there with aporcupine.
He thought it was a squirrel.
It wasn't.
Dave looks like Hellraiser now.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
This is the thing.
I've been trying to pusheducation.
It will help everybody.
He knows he's got seventeensheds full of toilet paper.
Speaker (01:31):
The educational shed at the back there's only got two
books, and one of them's holdingit up straight.
He doesn't know much about theeducation yet.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Well, but that's a fair point.
Maybe we could hope for and getuh a shipment of books.
Speaker (01:45):
I was hoping for black licorice.
Hopefully I don't ruin it foreverybody.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Well, black licorice can have juices as well.
Speaker (01:51):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Now, you're going down to Dave's tonight, I need a
ride.
Uber's busy.
He's sleeping.
Speaker (01:57):
Oh, whoa.
Yeah, I could give you a ride,but uh I got I I got I got uh I
I got and uh uh the littlebicycle today.
Do you mind sitting on thehandlebar?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Well, no.
I'd I should be okay to getthere, but coming back's gonna
be a bit of a problem becauseyou know what I I get a little
wobbly.
Speaker (02:18):
Yeah, well, that's all gonna be not a problem because
the bike's a little wobblyalready.
You see, it's I got one wheeland two seats.
Interesting probably safe.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Maybe I'll just walk.
Speaker (02:26):
Do you mind holding my hand?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
I do.
Speaker (02:29):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
I am comfortable with my sexuality, but I do not like
to hold your hand, mostly b forsanitary reasons.
Speaker (02:37):
That's fair enough.
Yeah.
I thought of uh coming up witha new contraption for men who
are having babies.
Because they don't have to havethe baby, and you know, then
them say, Oh, you don't know thepain.
Yeah, we do.
So they say.
So what I'm doing is I'minventing a fake hand.
And the fake hand's gonna go upyour sleeve.
And when the woman's having thebaby and she's got so much pain
she wants to give you some,give her your hand.
(02:58):
She'll squeeze it and put hernails in it and do all these
horrible things.
And you won't feel anything.
That's a pretty good deal,right?
Uh I think so.
Yep.
I'll make them in like alldifferent colors, like green and
blue and purple and you knowwhat?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
You should run that idea past Jim Dandy.
Speaker (03:14):
I will, hold on.
Okay, I ran it by him.
(03:38):
He doesn't understand.
That's all right.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I don't think you're supposed to actually run past
him.
Oh, I think the meaning of thephrase is to take your idea and
and to present it to him.
Speaker (03:52):
Well, it's gonna be awkward because you see, he got
one of them spinny chairs, andnow every time I try to talk to
him, he just turns to the left alittle bit more.
My knees are sore now.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Uh what the hell are we talking about now?
Speaker (04:04):
No.
I've just been pulling the endsof celery apart.
You mind if I give you a dingleback in three and a half
minutes?
I gotta go get something to getme altercated.
Alright, goodbye.
Goodbye.
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