April 15, 2025 • 16 mins
Has someone ever completely misunderstood what you were trying to say? That moment of disconnect can feel isolating, frustrating, and even painful. What if I told you this common struggle could actually become a gateway to deeper connection?
The fear of being misunderstood runs deep for many of us. We over-explain, second-guess our words, or hold back entirely. During this transformative episode, we explore why miscommunication happens so frequently and how to break free from this pattern. From our culture's reliance on sarcasm to our tendency to speak to the "ghosts" of who people used to be rather than who they are now, we unpack the complex factors that create disconnection in our conversations.
Drawing wisdom from Brené Brown and years of coaching experience, I share practical strategies for clearer communication that honors both yourself and others. Learn how to check your intentions before speaking, paraphrase effectively, and courageously express what you're thinking when you feel misunderstood. These approaches have transformed my relationships and can do the same for yours.
This spring season symbolizes new beginnings across many traditions. What better time to let go of old communication patterns and plant seeds for more authentic expression? When you step into your power by communicating clearly from your authentic self, you give others permission to do the same. Your voice matters, your truth is powerful, and your transformation has already begun. Just count yourself in.
Thank you for joining me!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, welcome to Transform your Life.
Just Count Me In the podcastwhere miracles meet mindset.
I'm Sari Stone, a holisticcoach and a heart-centered guide
here to help you live a lifealigned with purpose and spirit.
Each week, we're going to takea deep dive into stories,
insights and soulful strategiesto help you clear out the
(00:23):
clutter, find your truth andstep into your inspired life.
Today's episode is all about achallenge so many of us face
being misunderstood, and how toturn that fear into a chance for
real connection.
Let's start.
Welcome and thank you so muchfor joining me.
I just came out of the mostheavenly visit with my daughter
(00:46):
and her husband and my littlegrandbabies and I'm just so
thankful, so happy to be here.
And we talked she's an expertabout lunar education, so we
were talking about how this moonis actually a prime opportunity
for letting go of old patternsand letting go of old behaviors
(01:09):
and planting the seeds that wewant to come into fruition in
our lives, for our newopportunities.
And it's spring, I mean, it'sPassover.
That's about freedom.
Easter is about new beginnings.
Look all around you.
It's life.
So it's the cycle earth-wiseand also the cycle
astrologically, and I decidedthat I, my best bet is to get
(01:35):
rid of the old pattern or thefear of being misunderstood.
So, of course, no.
Sooner did I decide that whatdoes the universe give you?
An opportunity that shows you,hey, this is what you're doing
to be misunderstood.
And if you've noticed, youcould decide to do something.
(01:56):
And as soon as you do that andyou put it out into the universe
, the universe is going to thengive you what you need to clear
to achieve that.
So what could be perceived asan obstacle, I've realized now
is like okay, this is what youhave left to work on in that
area, or one of the things.
And it had to do with aconversation where I was
(02:19):
immediately misunderstood.
Misunderstood and I realizedthat it happens so often that
there's a disconnect between ourintentions and what we really
mean to say and the otherperson's perception of what we
said.
And there's so muchmisunderstanding.
(02:40):
And I'm wondering why is thissuch a problem?
Why does this happen so much?
I realize that parts of it haveto do with our culture.
Parts of it have to do with thefact that cynicism and sarcasm
is so valued as an intellectualmeans of communication that
(03:04):
sometimes there are some peopleI can't figure out what they're
actually saying, because I haveto ask them like are you just
being sarcastic or for really,really mean this?
And I think that's part of it.
To be honest with you.
Word choice is another thing.
That another contributor.
(03:25):
I think people are careless andI'm guilty also of not choosing
our words carefully enough.
And self-awareness meaningchecking yourself at the gate
like, hey, before I open mymouth, what's my intention in
saying this?
Why am I saying this?
(03:46):
Do I feel my ego in it at all?
Am I just trying to make myselfright?
Am I just trying to prove apoint here?
Or did I really even listen towhat they had to say?
Or am I just waiting for themto stop talking so that I can
say what I want to say to makemyself right?
Often when that happens, I justend up pausing and not saying
(04:14):
anything for a while and reallydoing a check because I want to
make sure that I'm having honest, kind communication with people
.
So that's my part of it, that'smy self-awareness part.
The other part that I think isalso our responsibility is to be
(04:35):
aware of our audience, be awareof who we're talking, to.
Be careful if you're talking toa new mom and their child is
out of control in the grocerystore.
Maybe be careful if you're, youknow, talking to somebody who's
sensitive about their weightand you tell them how great they
look, because you have to becareful of your wording.
(04:56):
I've noticed, and I mean sayingto somebody you know your hair
looks great today.
They could turn around and say,but what do you mean?
It doesn't usually look good.
I mean, and to somebody youknow your hair looks great today
, they could turn around and say, but what do you mean?
It doesn't usually look good.
I mean, and that's about them.
But still still, you know,knowing who you're talking to,
I'm not saying to walk oneggshells, but I'm saying, if
(05:16):
you can feel out who you'retalking to, part of it is on
them and it's all on them howthey interpret it.
You know, I mean, and ourperceptions are our own
perceptions and it's our truthfor us and nobody's arguing
anything.
I mean I can look at the houseand say this house is trashed
(05:38):
and my husband will just say tome this house looks like people
live here and we're both right.
Right, but like to me itdefinitely is trashed.
To him it just looks likepeople live here and he doesn't
want to live in a museum and Idon't want to live with things
cluttered all over the place.
So I mean there's that too.
So I mean it's knowing youraudience and it's being
(05:59):
sensitive to their body languageand to your honest agenda.
When you say things, I mean whenyou think about it.
Even Jesus Christ wasmisunderstood.
How many interpretations arethere of the Bible?
How many different ways dopeople interpret art?
(06:19):
So some of it is out of ourcontrol.
But since this podcast is aboutus, being more true is being
true to ourselves and being moreauthentically ourselves and I
say it and I mean it I wouldrather be disliked for who I am
than loved for being somebodyI'm not.
(06:40):
So within that comes theresponsibility that we
communicate with people.
Nonverbal is great and nonverbalcommunication is about 90% of
our communication, and that'strue.
But the words that come out ofour mouth definitely leave
impressions and the odds arethat the words I say somebody
(07:02):
will say over and over and overagain in their heads when
they're thinking about me.
So I try to be more mindful ofthat.
So I wondered why these thingsare like, why we have such a
problem with this, and I dothink that some of it is
(07:24):
societal, some of it is our formof entertainment, some of it is
the cynical, sarcastic natureof things, of some things it's
not really so much in my world,but I do see it and some of it
is the communication, or lackthereof, that we see in movies.
This all leaves an impressionon us.
(07:46):
Some of it is the music that welisten to, the words.
Ultimately it's ourresponsibility, so we can play
the blame game and disempowerourselves, or we can take the
power ourselves and become moreaware and more aware of others,
and then it's less likely thatyou're going to be grossly
misunderstood.
(08:06):
It can still happen and, trustme, it can happen with your
family.
It can happen with people whohave known you a long time.
It's probably more likely tohappen with people that have
known you for a while, becausethey see you and they associate
a certain identity with you andthey associate a certain pattern
(08:27):
with you, and sometimes they'rereally not hearing or seeing
you for who you are in themoment anymore.
They're not seeing you andthey're not hearing you for who
you are now.
You're locked in this role ofwhat you were five, ten, even
two years ago, let alone 20years ago and to the extent that
(08:50):
they're not present and don'tsee you, and to the extent that
I'm not present and don't seethem, we are not communicating
with the people that arestanding in the room, we're
communicating with ghosts of whowe were.
So it's just something else tobe aware of Some of the ways
that I've tried to work on this,because I have in the past had
(09:14):
a huge fear of beingmisunderstood.
I mean to where I would sayevery, I think probably three
years in a row I've said, yeah,trying really hard to not like
over-explain myself anymore, andthen I over-explain why I'm
trying to not over-explain,which is really bad, but I try
to when I over-explain.
Or if you're ever around anover-explainer, there should be
(09:37):
an over-explainer's anonymous.
In my opinion, it's just thatwe're trying to not be
misunderstood and it isobnoxious to hear somebody
over-explain, but on the otherhand, no, it comes from an
insecurity and a fear thatyou're not really hearing them.
So what helps me is if somebodyjust says I get you or I heard
that, or they'll repeat what I'mtrying to get across, and then
(09:59):
I'm quiet.
One of the things that you cando is paraphrase, but not the
old way, not like the 1980s waywhere I would say something and
you know, I really don't likeyou in the color blue and I
heard you say you don't like mein the color blue, like it's,
(10:20):
it's not like that.
That was pretty obnoxious, Ithink, for all all of us.
And paraphrases have evolvedand they become a little bit
more.
There's clarifying paraphrases,there's different ways to frame
them, and I think it's easierand gentler if you can just say
so you're saying blank, you know, and then say it.
(10:41):
Or just to clarify this is whatI think you're saying here.
Or to mirror back what you'vejust said to me.
And I just know because I knowin coaching people respond in
different ways to these thingswith the cognitive coaching and
I think that that's reallyhelpful.
(11:02):
Just to make sure that we'reclear on it.
And if somebody says somethingthat hurts you, I mean my
favorite go-to is what made yousay that?
And I let them tell me you know, like what just happened that
made you say that?
You know, or you know, did yourealize that that was hurtful to
(11:25):
me?
Because usually they don't, andthen if they do, they're not my
people anymore.
I don't hang out with peoplethat hurt me.
So I mean, it happens byaccident, but we clear it up.
But I mean, if they'reintentionally hurting me, no,
not, we just move on.
Too many good people in my lifefor that.
So the most vulnerable one totry and this is only for people
(11:52):
who you're very close with andwho you trust and you can be
vulnerable with I don'trecommend that you do this with
this person that you just met,or you can if you're brave.
You're braver than me.
Brene Brown actually came upwith this and when I read it I
fell in love with it and I toldmy husband this is what I'm
going to do.
When I'm worried aboutsomething or you say something
(12:14):
and I'm, you know, upset aboutit don't know whether I'm just
being insecure I'm going to sayin my head this is what I'm
saying.
So in my head, when you look atme in the bathing suit, you're
thinking, thinking man, shelooked better 20 years ago.
I mean, what a horrible thing.
And he not thinking that at all.
(12:35):
But in my head I couldn't telland he was really thinking like
I hope I'm not getting a worktext right now, right,
completely off, completely off.
So that's just another thingthat you could do.
It does take a lot ofvulnerability.
You go right to your own painpoint there and you leave
yourself very wide open.
But I can tell you, with yourhigh stakes relationships,
(12:57):
there's nothing like it, becausemost of those people don't mean
to say something hurtful, theydon't mean to say something
critical, they don't mean tosound like they're arguing with
you, so I would just get rightto it.
You know, it does take courage,but you've got to be brave.
(13:17):
I mean it takes courage.
It takes courage to just comehome to yourself and embrace
that space that surrounds youand just come home and trust
yourself.
And it takes courage also tohave conflict sometimes, and the
(13:38):
price you pay for avoidingconflict is often your own inner
turmoil Just something else tochew on a little bit.
Just something else to chew ona little bit.
So if this is something thatyou ever deal with and if you've
(14:02):
ever put your foot in yourmouth or said the wrong thing to
somebody or God forbid we'veall done it.
We've all hurt somebody withoutmeaning to or said something
that triggered someone and wecan't figure out why.
I'm hoping that this episodemight have given you a couple of
strategies to help you navigatethis complex part of life and
(14:23):
that's our verbal communication.
And every morning, when I'mmeditating, the last thing I
always say is please, please,see through my eyes, hear
through my ears.
Let me hear the love and thetruth in all things and let me
speak my truth with love andshow me why I'm here today.
(14:44):
And I would invite you to dothe same and see what happens,
because by stepping more intoyour authentic self and
communicating in a way thatreflects what you're actually
thinking and feeling, you stepinto your power, and when you do
(15:09):
that, you give other peoplepermission to do the same.
And that's what we're here.
We're here to be in our power.
We're here to be expressingwhat came to express through us,
and clear communication is partof it.
So I hope this helped.
(15:31):
So I hope this helped, andplease DM me if you have
anything that you are working onclearing up this spring and
letting go of and if you wouldlike help with anything.
I love, love coaching, and I'vegot a couple slots available
still in April.
Thank you so much for spendingtime with me today.
(15:52):
If something resonated with youor if you've ever felt
misunderstood and you're readyto shift that story, I'd love
hearing from you.
Follow me on Instagram,saristone25,.
Just count me in and be sure tosubscribe so you never miss an
episode.
Until next time, remember yourvoice matters, your truth is
(16:13):
powerful and your transformationhas already begun.
Just count yourself in.
Hey, welcome to Transform your Life.
Just Count Me In the podcastwhere miracles meet mindset.
I'm Sari Stone, a holisticcoach and a heart-centered guide
here to help you live a lifealigned with purpose and spirit.
Each week, we're going to takea deep dive into stories,
insights and soulful strategiesto help you clear out the
(00:23):
clutter, find your truth andstep into your inspired life.
Today's episode is all about achallenge so many of us face
being misunderstood, and how toturn that fear into a chance for
real connection.
Let's start.
Welcome and thank you so muchfor joining me.
I just came out of the mostheavenly visit with my daughter
(00:46):
and her husband and my littlegrandbabies and I'm just so
thankful, so happy to be here.
And we talked she's an expertabout lunar education, so we
were talking about how this moonis actually a prime opportunity
for letting go of old patternsand letting go of old behaviors
(01:09):
and planting the seeds that wewant to come into fruition in
our lives, for our newopportunities.
And it's spring, I mean, it'sPassover.
That's about freedom.
Easter is about new beginnings.
Look all around you.
It's life.
So it's the cycle earth-wiseand also the cycle
astrologically, and I decidedthat I, my best bet is to get
(01:35):
rid of the old pattern or thefear of being misunderstood.
So, of course, no.
Sooner did I decide that whatdoes the universe give you?
An opportunity that shows you,hey, this is what you're doing
to be misunderstood.
And if you've noticed, youcould decide to do something.
(01:56):
And as soon as you do that andyou put it out into the universe
, the universe is going to thengive you what you need to clear
to achieve that.
So what could be perceived asan obstacle, I've realized now
is like okay, this is what youhave left to work on in that
area, or one of the things.
And it had to do with aconversation where I was
(02:19):
immediately misunderstood.
Misunderstood and I realizedthat it happens so often that
there's a disconnect between ourintentions and what we really
mean to say and the otherperson's perception of what we
said.
And there's so muchmisunderstanding.
(02:40):
And I'm wondering why is thissuch a problem?
Why does this happen so much?
I realize that parts of it haveto do with our culture.
Parts of it have to do with thefact that cynicism and sarcasm
is so valued as an intellectualmeans of communication that
(03:04):
sometimes there are some peopleI can't figure out what they're
actually saying, because I haveto ask them like are you just
being sarcastic or for really,really mean this?
And I think that's part of it.
To be honest with you.
Word choice is another thing.
That another contributor.
(03:25):
I think people are careless andI'm guilty also of not choosing
our words carefully enough.
And self-awareness meaningchecking yourself at the gate
like, hey, before I open mymouth, what's my intention in
saying this?
Why am I saying this?
(03:46):
Do I feel my ego in it at all?
Am I just trying to make myselfright?
Am I just trying to prove apoint here?
Or did I really even listen towhat they had to say?
Or am I just waiting for themto stop talking so that I can
say what I want to say to makemyself right?
Often when that happens, I justend up pausing and not saying
(04:14):
anything for a while and reallydoing a check because I want to
make sure that I'm having honest, kind communication with people
.
So that's my part of it, that'smy self-awareness part.
The other part that I think isalso our responsibility is to be
(04:35):
aware of our audience, be awareof who we're talking, to.
Be careful if you're talking toa new mom and their child is
out of control in the grocerystore.
Maybe be careful if you're, youknow, talking to somebody who's
sensitive about their weightand you tell them how great they
look, because you have to becareful of your wording.
(04:56):
I've noticed, and I mean sayingto somebody you know your hair
looks great today.
They could turn around and say,but what do you mean?
It doesn't usually look good.
I mean, and to somebody youknow your hair looks great today
, they could turn around and say, but what do you mean?
It doesn't usually look good.
I mean, and that's about them.
But still still, you know,knowing who you're talking to,
I'm not saying to walk oneggshells, but I'm saying, if
(05:16):
you can feel out who you'retalking to, part of it is on
them and it's all on them howthey interpret it.
You know, I mean, and ourperceptions are our own
perceptions and it's our truthfor us and nobody's arguing
anything.
I mean I can look at the houseand say this house is trashed
(05:38):
and my husband will just say tome this house looks like people
live here and we're both right.
Right, but like to me itdefinitely is trashed.
To him it just looks likepeople live here and he doesn't
want to live in a museum and Idon't want to live with things
cluttered all over the place.
So I mean there's that too.
So I mean it's knowing youraudience and it's being
(05:59):
sensitive to their body languageand to your honest agenda.
When you say things, I mean whenyou think about it.
Even Jesus Christ wasmisunderstood.
How many interpretations arethere of the Bible?
How many different ways dopeople interpret art?
(06:19):
So some of it is out of ourcontrol.
But since this podcast is aboutus, being more true is being
true to ourselves and being moreauthentically ourselves and I
say it and I mean it I wouldrather be disliked for who I am
than loved for being somebodyI'm not.
(06:40):
So within that comes theresponsibility that we
communicate with people.
Nonverbal is great and nonverbalcommunication is about 90% of
our communication, and that'strue.
But the words that come out ofour mouth definitely leave
impressions and the odds arethat the words I say somebody
(07:02):
will say over and over and overagain in their heads when
they're thinking about me.
So I try to be more mindful ofthat.
So I wondered why these thingsare like, why we have such a
problem with this, and I dothink that some of it is
(07:24):
societal, some of it is our formof entertainment, some of it is
the cynical, sarcastic natureof things, of some things it's
not really so much in my world,but I do see it and some of it
is the communication, or lackthereof, that we see in movies.
This all leaves an impressionon us.
(07:46):
Some of it is the music that welisten to, the words.
Ultimately it's ourresponsibility, so we can play
the blame game and disempowerourselves, or we can take the
power ourselves and become moreaware and more aware of others,
and then it's less likely thatyou're going to be grossly
misunderstood.
(08:06):
It can still happen and, trustme, it can happen with your
family.
It can happen with people whohave known you a long time.
It's probably more likely tohappen with people that have
known you for a while, becausethey see you and they associate
a certain identity with you andthey associate a certain pattern
(08:27):
with you, and sometimes they'rereally not hearing or seeing
you for who you are in themoment anymore.
They're not seeing you andthey're not hearing you for who
you are now.
You're locked in this role ofwhat you were five, ten, even
two years ago, let alone 20years ago and to the extent that
(08:50):
they're not present and don'tsee you, and to the extent that
I'm not present and don't seethem, we are not communicating
with the people that arestanding in the room, we're
communicating with ghosts of whowe were.
So it's just something else tobe aware of Some of the ways
that I've tried to work on this,because I have in the past had
(09:14):
a huge fear of beingmisunderstood.
I mean to where I would sayevery, I think probably three
years in a row I've said, yeah,trying really hard to not like
over-explain myself anymore, andthen I over-explain why I'm
trying to not over-explain,which is really bad, but I try
to when I over-explain.
Or if you're ever around anover-explainer, there should be
(09:37):
an over-explainer's anonymous.
In my opinion, it's just thatwe're trying to not be
misunderstood and it isobnoxious to hear somebody
over-explain, but on the otherhand, no, it comes from an
insecurity and a fear thatyou're not really hearing them.
So what helps me is if somebodyjust says I get you or I heard
that, or they'll repeat what I'mtrying to get across, and then
(09:59):
I'm quiet.
One of the things that you cando is paraphrase, but not the
old way, not like the 1980s waywhere I would say something and
you know, I really don't likeyou in the color blue and I
heard you say you don't like mein the color blue, like it's,
(10:20):
it's not like that.
That was pretty obnoxious, Ithink, for all all of us.
And paraphrases have evolvedand they become a little bit
more.
There's clarifying paraphrases,there's different ways to frame
them, and I think it's easierand gentler if you can just say
so you're saying blank, you know, and then say it.
(10:41):
Or just to clarify this is whatI think you're saying here.
Or to mirror back what you'vejust said to me.
And I just know because I knowin coaching people respond in
different ways to these thingswith the cognitive coaching and
I think that that's reallyhelpful.
(11:02):
Just to make sure that we'reclear on it.
And if somebody says somethingthat hurts you, I mean my
favorite go-to is what made yousay that?
And I let them tell me you know, like what just happened that
made you say that?
You know, or you know, did yourealize that that was hurtful to
(11:25):
me?
Because usually they don't, andthen if they do, they're not my
people anymore.
I don't hang out with peoplethat hurt me.
So I mean, it happens byaccident, but we clear it up.
But I mean, if they'reintentionally hurting me, no,
not, we just move on.
Too many good people in my lifefor that.
So the most vulnerable one totry and this is only for people
(11:52):
who you're very close with andwho you trust and you can be
vulnerable with I don'trecommend that you do this with
this person that you just met,or you can if you're brave.
You're braver than me.
Brene Brown actually came upwith this and when I read it I
fell in love with it and I toldmy husband this is what I'm
going to do.
When I'm worried aboutsomething or you say something
(12:14):
and I'm, you know, upset aboutit don't know whether I'm just
being insecure I'm going to sayin my head this is what I'm
saying.
So in my head, when you look atme in the bathing suit, you're
thinking, thinking man, shelooked better 20 years ago.
I mean, what a horrible thing.
And he not thinking that at all.
(12:35):
But in my head I couldn't telland he was really thinking like
I hope I'm not getting a worktext right now, right,
completely off, completely off.
So that's just another thingthat you could do.
It does take a lot ofvulnerability.
You go right to your own painpoint there and you leave
yourself very wide open.
But I can tell you, with yourhigh stakes relationships,
(12:57):
there's nothing like it, becausemost of those people don't mean
to say something hurtful, theydon't mean to say something
critical, they don't mean tosound like they're arguing with
you, so I would just get rightto it.
You know, it does take courage,but you've got to be brave.
(13:17):
I mean it takes courage.
It takes courage to just comehome to yourself and embrace
that space that surrounds youand just come home and trust
yourself.
And it takes courage also tohave conflict sometimes, and the
(13:38):
price you pay for avoidingconflict is often your own inner
turmoil Just something else tochew on a little bit.
Just something else to chew ona little bit.
So if this is something thatyou ever deal with and if you've
(14:02):
ever put your foot in yourmouth or said the wrong thing to
somebody or God forbid we'veall done it.
We've all hurt somebody withoutmeaning to or said something
that triggered someone and wecan't figure out why.
I'm hoping that this episodemight have given you a couple of
strategies to help you navigatethis complex part of life and
(14:23):
that's our verbal communication.
And every morning, when I'mmeditating, the last thing I
always say is please, please,see through my eyes, hear
through my ears.
Let me hear the love and thetruth in all things and let me
speak my truth with love andshow me why I'm here today.
(14:44):
And I would invite you to dothe same and see what happens,
because by stepping more intoyour authentic self and
communicating in a way thatreflects what you're actually
thinking and feeling, you stepinto your power, and when you do
(15:09):
that, you give other peoplepermission to do the same.
And that's what we're here.
We're here to be in our power.
We're here to be expressingwhat came to express through us,
and clear communication is partof it.
So I hope this helped.
(15:31):
So I hope this helped, andplease DM me if you have
anything that you are working onclearing up this spring and
letting go of and if you wouldlike help with anything.
I love, love coaching, and I'vegot a couple slots available
still in April.
Thank you so much for spendingtime with me today.
(15:52):
If something resonated with youor if you've ever felt
misunderstood and you're readyto shift that story, I'd love
hearing from you.
Follow me on Instagram,saristone25,.
Just count me in and be sure tosubscribe so you never miss an
episode.
Until next time, remember yourvoice matters, your truth is
(16:13):
powerful and your transformationhas already begun.
Just count yourself in.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.