August 11, 2025 • 23 mins
Boundaries aren't walls they are bridges to healthier, more aligned connections. Setting clear boundaries creates space where you can love yourself and others simultaneously, transforming how you experience relationships and life.
Remember: "Every time I say no to someone else, it's a yes to myself"
Please subscribe to the podcast, leave a review if you can, and share this episode with someone who needs a reminder that boundaries are beautiful.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, welcome back.
Welcome back to Just Count MeIn.
Transform your Life, and I'mSarah, your host.
Today we're going to dive intoa topic that can literally
change your relationships, yourmental health and definitely
your energy.
Whether you are someone who isheading back to school, starting
(00:22):
a new job, heading into ameeting, maybe moving somewhere
and meeting new people,reinventing yourself in any way,
or just trying to be a bettercommunicator, boundaries are so
important, not just anyboundaries, but the three most
common ones that people struggleto set are, plus the one we
(00:47):
really talk about but absolutelyneed are physical and energetic
boundaries.
So just a warning this episodeis definitely a mix of science
and soul.
That's how I roll, and you knowme by now.
We're talking brain chemistryand energetic fields, oxytocin
and intuition, neuroscience andthe energy of the heart.
(01:11):
So here we go.
So if you're new to the podcast, I'm going to ask that you,
please, please, hit thesubscribe button and, if you can
, sign up on the landing page.
If you click the link for thelanding page and sign up for the
email list, sometimes theinitial welcome email for me to
confirm you goes into the spamfolder.
(01:31):
So please, after you hit that,check your spam folder for the
welcome email and I really lookforward to staying in touch.
So why do boundaries feel sohard?
When I first started talkingabout this, I realized, like why
isn't this just natural, or isthis something that we have and
we're taught to not have?
(01:52):
Well, the answer is yes and yes, it's a mix.
So let's just start with thetruth.
Most of us weren't taught howto set boundaries.
I wasn't taught how to setboundaries.
I was taught to be polite, togive, to avoid conflict and, in
(02:15):
many cases, to make ourselves sosmall that others could feel
comfortable.
The problem that is a recipefor resentment.
The problem that is a recipefor resentment, burnout and
relationships that just don'tfeel mutual, one-sided
relationships.
And unfortunately, up untilrecently, a couple years ago, I
(02:37):
modeled this while I was raisingmy children.
So public apology here.
I am sorry.
I definitely.
If there was something I couldgo back in time and change, that
would definitely be it, but youcan't act in a way that you
aren't and you can't teach whatyou don't know yet.
So there it is.
Now I know Boundaries aren'twalls.
(03:01):
They're more the space whereyou can love yourself and love
others at the same time.
There are three boundaries thatpeople struggle with, three
common boundaries.
There are emotional boundaries,and that's not just about
(03:22):
taking on other people's moodsor problems.
It's really about owning themas your own.
So listening to a friend ventwithout making it your job to
fix their life would be anexample of having boundaries.
We did a whole episode aboutholding space, so I would direct
you to that episode.
If emotional boundaries is aplace where you need a little
(03:44):
more support, and basically whenthings feel right, we get a yes
feeling.
Whether it's physicalboundaries, emotional boundaries
, time boundaries, communicationboundaries, we get a yes
feeling.
And if it doesn't feel like ayes is a no, there is no.
(04:06):
Maybe lesson learned there'salso time boundaries saying no
to things that drain you so thatyou can say yes to what truly
matters.
This does not make you apopular person sometimes, and
sometimes feelings will be hurt.
So be gentle.
When you explain to people, Ijust you know I'd love to, but I
(04:29):
really can't right now, or Idon't have it in me right now,
or another time would be better.
This is not a good time for meand if they don't respect that,
then they're not your people.
Okay, and it doesn't mean thatit feels good when you
(04:50):
disappoint somebody or they feellet down, but the most
important person that you haveto please is the person that you
have the longest relationshipwith, and that is yourself.
I mean, you've been aroundsince you were born and you're
going to be together until youdie, so it's yourself A good
example of time boundaries canlook like guarding your weekend
(05:11):
downtime.
Doing nothing is definitelydoing something.
I am very comfortable saying Ihave plans, even when I have
plans to do nothing, because tome that is a plan and I don't
like to squeeze things in.
And your true friends and thisgoes for family too they don't
ask when you're alreadyoverextended.
(05:33):
It's our family was wonderfulwith that.
They wouldn't ask because myhusband would definitely say yes
, even when he really didn'thave the time, because he liked
to help people out.
He's got such a big heart helikes to help people out, so
they stopped asking him.
Some people stopped asking him,not because he'd say no, but
(05:54):
because they knew he was goingto say yes, and I really
appreciated that.
There are also communicationboundaries, so speaking up when
something doesn't feel rightinstead of swallowing your truth
just to keep the peaceshrinking, playing small and you
(06:15):
can just practice saying thingslike there's many ways to say
no.
When I coach people, we go on awhole rant about different ways
to say no, in a kind way,speaking your truth, like I'm
just not comfortable with that,instead of forcing a smile and
going along with it.
Now, physical and energeticboundaries are ones that we
(06:40):
don't always talk about.
They're very scrutinized, yetoften overlooked.
And here's the part that wedon't always talk about.
They're very scrutinized yetoften overlooked.
And here's the part that wedon't talk about physical space.
During COVID there was thatwhole.
You know, the social distancingand everything.
But now we're back to beingcloser than ever and I am a
(07:00):
hugger by nature.
I really love that warmheart-to-heart feeling.
But I have also learnedsomething about myself.
There are certain people Idon't actually want to hug, and
it's not because I don't likethem, it's just because just in
that moment, my body, my energyfield, it just doesn't feel like
(07:22):
I want to do it.
And yeah, your body has anenergetic field.
My body is telling me thisisn't the right kind of close
for me right now.
So your gut is 500,000 moretimes likely to be right than
your consciousness, your gutinstinct.
(07:43):
And that is from Chris Voss.
He was an FBI hostagenegotiator for years and he
wrote the award winning bookNever Split the Difference
Awesome book, not just for thosewho are interested in
negotiating hostages but forpeople in relationships learning
(08:05):
how to negotiate whereeverybody feels good about
things and you enhance yourcommunication.
I would definitely recommendthat book Never Split the
Difference and no, he didn't payme to say this.
So it's valid to go on your gutfeeling and you can use that
statistic, you can look it upand fact check it and just tell
(08:25):
yourself that when you'regetting a no, you know.
When you get a yes, it's a fullbody.
Yes, research shows that humansactually do have measurable
energy fields.
Our hearts emit anelectromagnetic signal that can
be detected several feet awayand when we allow someone into
(08:46):
our space, we are literallyletting our energy field
interact with them.
So if a hug feels nourishing,that's great.
If a hug feels draining, youhave every right to skip it.
And I can just remember so manytimes when I was little you know
, go hug so-and-so.
(09:08):
And it was some relative Ididn't even know maybe.
I saw them twice a year at afamily reunion.
I didn't want to and I stilldid it and it's embarrassing me
for me to say right now, but Ieven would tell my kids go hug
so-and-so, and they probablydidn't want to.
So I was teaching them don'tlisten to yourself, listen to me
, you might hurt.
(09:28):
Don't know Martha's feelings ifyou don't give her a hug.
And that's not even trueMandatory hugs, not okay.
So why does feeling understoodchange our brains so much and
why is it so hard to speak up?
Here's where science and spiritmeet.
(09:51):
When you set a boundary andsomeone respects it, something
really magical happens.
Your brain releases oxytocinthat's the bonding hormone, and
serotonin, that's the moodstabilizer.
Stabilizer Oxytocin makes youfeel safe and connected and
(10:18):
loved.
Serotonin helps you feel calmand grounded and happy.
In other words, when someoneunderstands and honors your
space, honors your boundaries,honors your feelings, your brain
literally rewards you withfeel-good chemistry.
So think about what theimplications of that.
When you're having aconversation with somebody and
(10:40):
you are honoring theirboundaries and they feel
understood, their brain isrewarding them with feel-good
chemistry.
And what kind of people wouldyou rather be around them with
feel-good chemistry?
And what kind of people wouldyou rather be around?
So for science lovers, drstephen porges and that's
polyvagal theory.
They explain how feeling safein connection activates your
(11:03):
social engagement system andthat calms your nervous system,
tells you inside and short, ittells you these are my people, I
, I'm okay here, these are mypeople, this is my tribe, and it
also improves your overallemotional regulation.
Another area of boundaries tolook at is how to know when to
(11:27):
speak up, and I do coach a lotabout this.
If you're tired of secondguessing yourself, here's the
trick Speak up the moment younotice a shift in your body or
your mood, and this skill hashelped so many people that I've
(11:49):
worked with and it helps me.
Just take a moment and theminute you notice a shift,
without questioning it, in yourbody or your mood, speak up.
Your body is the first to knowwhen something's wrong.
Remember that statistic aboutthe gut your mind just likes to
(12:11):
argue with it.
Pay attention to that tightchest, to the stomach drop.
Pay attention if your face isall hot or your palms are sweaty
.
Pay attention to that justuneasy feeling that you get that
you can't be still.
That's your signal to check inand decide whether a boundary
(12:34):
needs to be expressed.
This is one that you reallyhave to practice, but, just like
brushing your teeth is dentalhygiene and you're not just
going to do that once and you'redone with it for the week or
for the month or for the year.
Mental hygiene is this.
This is like mental hygiene,you just have to practice.
(12:56):
There's also another reason, andthat's that everybody perceives
conflict differently.
There are different conflictstyles.
Some people are conflictavoidant.
When their boundaries arechallenged and you might be one
of those you pull back or youmight go silent to avoid tension
(13:17):
.
Some people are conflictaccommodating and that means you
kind of give in to keep thepeace, often at your own expense
.
Another style is competing, andthat means you push hard to win
your point.
Sometimes you end up creatingmore distance, because when you
(13:38):
get into a win-lose situation ifI'm, if somebody wins, somebody
is going to lose, and that'sjust a recipe for failure.
If you want to enhancecommunication with someone or
assert your boundaries, thereare people that when they get
into a situation that requiresconflict, they're very, very
(13:59):
compromising.
You may meet halfway and itdoesn't always work to meet
halfway, but you also maysacrifice important needs just
to keep the peace.
Then there's also collaborating, and collaborating is my
favorite because you learn howto kind of work together, that
you work together in the name ofthe relationship you have or in
(14:23):
the name of the importance ofthe situation you're dealing
with, just for a solution thathonors both people's boundaries,
which is ideal if you mutuallyrespect each other.
So recognizing your defaultstyle can help you choose
healthier responses.
Here is where science reallyreally meets spirit.
(14:47):
Again, our brains are wired forconnection, so we feel almost
as though we are not, or almostas though we are validated when
we don't have to worry aboutboundaries so much.
Now that should not be confusedwith I can be myself all the
(15:11):
way with this person.
I can definitely be myself withpeople and still hold my space
and still hold my boundaries.
There's also a problem withovergiving, and the roots of
this can be your childhood, itcan be conditioning, it can just
(15:31):
be your conflict style, andthat's giving until it hurts, or
giving from a place of notfullness, which is not even
healthy for the recipientenergetically.
I was guilty of this for yearsand I do apologize to anybody
who I gave to when I was reallydrained and really didn't have
(15:53):
it to give, because that wasn'teven my best.
It wasn't even clean energy tobe giving them.
So how can you representyourself with new beliefs?
And we know the brain likesfamiliar.
You know that by now.
It's my mantra, so you canremind yourself that you're safe
(16:15):
when you honor yourself.
And shifting to mutualrelationships, giving, receiving
.
It's a really sacred exchange.
It's not a barrier, it's abridge, and and if it becomes a
barrier to a relationship whenyou set a boundary, that's not
(16:35):
your relationship.
Let them, there'll be somebodyelse who it works with.
Trust me, don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time on peoplewho can't respect your
boundaries.
You heard it there will besomeone else.
(16:56):
So a short five-minutevisualization.
Take a moment and anchor intoyour worth.
Think of a time when you spokeyour truth and see yourself
receiving love, rest orappreciation without guilt.
(17:22):
My needs matter.
I honor my voice and I wouldpractice that I honor my voice
and I would practice that.
You can practice that once aday for a few weeks.
It takes 21 days to make ahabit, just getting that into
(17:45):
your system.
We know that your brain doesn'tknow the difference and you'll
be making those neuralconnections.
And just think about speakingyour truth.
So here's some things you mightwant to write about.
Where in my life am I overgiving out of fear or habit, and
(18:06):
what does my body feel likewhen I abandon my own needs?
Self-abandonment was huge withthe kids that I was coaching
this past year, right down tonine-year-olds.
Self-abandonment was number oneof what we worked on at the end
of the year.
To not repeat, what does mybody feel like when I abandon my
(18:30):
needs, remembering that ourbodies are going to pick up on
it.
Your gut response is going topick up on it and that's much
more accurate than a thoughtyou're having about it.
What would a balanced mutualrelationship feel like for me?
And if you can think of anyrelationship that you have and
visualize that that is balancedIf you can't make one up just so
(18:56):
you can get the feeling in yourbody, if you're lucky enough to
have a mutual relationship oryou can witness a mutual
relationship, get that feelingin your body and memorize it,
because this is your body sayingyes, this is right for me, just
(19:17):
for practice.
What's a small boundary thatyou can practice today?
It could be somebody squeezingin saying can I have five
minutes of your time, becauseyou know what?
It's never five minutes, weknow that.
Or can you stay for a meetingat blah, blah, blah time and you
really need to go home, it'sreally not a good time.
(19:38):
Or somebody calling and saying,like me, I always say, is this a
good time?
And if the person says it'sreally not, it's okay with me.
I would rather that they tellme it's not a good time.
If you're not fortunate enoughto have someone who asks when
they call you, is this a goodtime?
Just memorize this hey, I'dlove to talk.
(19:59):
This is not a good time for me.
I'll get back to you as soon asI get a chance.
I promise that's all no bigdeal.
Nobody wants to talk tosomebody that really doesn't
want to be talking to them, andif they do, then they're not
looking for a mutualconversation and they just might
as well be recording what theysay.
I mean, if they're not lookingfor feedback because you're not
(20:22):
available, because you're tryingto feed your kids dinner, or
because your husband just gothome from a trip, or because
you're just tired and drainedthat day, or fill in your own
blank Maybe you just started towork out and it's not a good
time for you.
They need to accept that it'snot a good time.
I am allowed to say no withoutexplaining.
(20:46):
My voice is worthy, clear andsafe to express.
Balance is a gift that I give tomyself and my relationships.
(21:07):
Balance is a gift.
Boundaries are not punishments.
They are actually the highestform of self-love.
When you set them, you're notjust protecting yourself.
You're actually creating a safecontainer for a deeper,
healthier connection.
(21:28):
And you can ask yourself when doI feel most drained?
Which people Get in touch withyour body?
Which boundary Is it emotional,time, communication or physical
is hardest for me to keep?
You don't even have to go intowhy.
You can just make the change.
How about if it was easy?
(21:51):
What if this was easier thanyou thought it would be?
What if it was simpler?
And you can say show me howsimple it can be to honor my
physical boundaries.
Show me how easy it can be tohonor my time boundaries.
What would my ideal day looklike if I honored all my
(22:14):
boundaries with the people I'mgoing to encounter today and you
might have to flush this out alittle bit.
You really might need to takesome time to write these I have
the right to protect my spaceand my energy, and people who
love me respect my boundariesbecause they have theirs Every
(22:38):
time I say no to someone else.
It's actually a yes to myself.
I honor my needs, my space andmy energy and the way I look at
it.
Those who were meant for mewill respect my boundaries and
meet me there.
Thank you so much for listening.
(22:59):
If this episode resonated,please share it and please, if
you've not subscribed yet,please subscribe to the podcast.
It helps us.
And leave a review if you can.
Share this with someone whocould use.
A reminder that boundaries arebeautiful Makes me want to just
design a t-shirt Until next time.
Protect your energy, speak yourtruth and watch how your life
(23:22):
transforms.
Thank you.
Hi, welcome back.
Welcome back to Just Count MeIn.
Transform your Life, and I'mSarah, your host.
Today we're going to dive intoa topic that can literally
change your relationships, yourmental health and definitely
your energy.
Whether you are someone who isheading back to school, starting
(00:22):
a new job, heading into ameeting, maybe moving somewhere
and meeting new people,reinventing yourself in any way,
or just trying to be a bettercommunicator, boundaries are so
important, not just anyboundaries, but the three most
common ones that people struggleto set are, plus the one we
(00:47):
really talk about but absolutelyneed are physical and energetic
boundaries.
So just a warning this episodeis definitely a mix of science
and soul.
That's how I roll, and you knowme by now.
We're talking brain chemistryand energetic fields, oxytocin
and intuition, neuroscience andthe energy of the heart.
(01:11):
So here we go.
So if you're new to the podcast, I'm going to ask that you,
please, please, hit thesubscribe button and, if you can
, sign up on the landing page.
If you click the link for thelanding page and sign up for the
email list, sometimes theinitial welcome email for me to
confirm you goes into the spamfolder.
(01:31):
So please, after you hit that,check your spam folder for the
welcome email and I really lookforward to staying in touch.
So why do boundaries feel sohard?
When I first started talkingabout this, I realized, like why
isn't this just natural, or isthis something that we have and
we're taught to not have?
(01:52):
Well, the answer is yes and yes, it's a mix.
So let's just start with thetruth.
Most of us weren't taught howto set boundaries.
I wasn't taught how to setboundaries.
I was taught to be polite, togive, to avoid conflict and, in
(02:15):
many cases, to make ourselves sosmall that others could feel
comfortable.
The problem that is a recipefor resentment.
The problem that is a recipefor resentment, burnout and
relationships that just don'tfeel mutual, one-sided
relationships.
And unfortunately, up untilrecently, a couple years ago, I
(02:37):
modeled this while I was raisingmy children.
So public apology here.
I am sorry.
I definitely.
If there was something I couldgo back in time and change, that
would definitely be it, but youcan't act in a way that you
aren't and you can't teach whatyou don't know yet.
So there it is.
Now I know Boundaries aren'twalls.
(03:01):
They're more the space whereyou can love yourself and love
others at the same time.
There are three boundaries thatpeople struggle with, three
common boundaries.
There are emotional boundaries,and that's not just about
(03:22):
taking on other people's moodsor problems.
It's really about owning themas your own.
So listening to a friend ventwithout making it your job to
fix their life would be anexample of having boundaries.
We did a whole episode aboutholding space, so I would direct
you to that episode.
If emotional boundaries is aplace where you need a little
(03:44):
more support, and basically whenthings feel right, we get a yes
feeling.
Whether it's physicalboundaries, emotional boundaries
, time boundaries, communicationboundaries, we get a yes
feeling.
And if it doesn't feel like ayes is a no, there is no.
(04:06):
Maybe lesson learned there'salso time boundaries saying no
to things that drain you so thatyou can say yes to what truly
matters.
This does not make you apopular person sometimes, and
sometimes feelings will be hurt.
So be gentle.
When you explain to people, Ijust you know I'd love to, but I
(04:29):
really can't right now, or Idon't have it in me right now,
or another time would be better.
This is not a good time for meand if they don't respect that,
then they're not your people.
Okay, and it doesn't mean thatit feels good when you
(04:50):
disappoint somebody or they feellet down, but the most
important person that you haveto please is the person that you
have the longest relationshipwith, and that is yourself.
I mean, you've been aroundsince you were born and you're
going to be together until youdie, so it's yourself A good
example of time boundaries canlook like guarding your weekend
(05:11):
downtime.
Doing nothing is definitelydoing something.
I am very comfortable saying Ihave plans, even when I have
plans to do nothing, because tome that is a plan and I don't
like to squeeze things in.
And your true friends and thisgoes for family too they don't
ask when you're alreadyoverextended.
(05:33):
It's our family was wonderfulwith that.
They wouldn't ask because myhusband would definitely say yes
, even when he really didn'thave the time, because he liked
to help people out.
He's got such a big heart helikes to help people out, so
they stopped asking him.
Some people stopped asking him,not because he'd say no, but
(05:54):
because they knew he was goingto say yes, and I really
appreciated that.
There are also communicationboundaries, so speaking up when
something doesn't feel rightinstead of swallowing your truth
just to keep the peaceshrinking, playing small and you
(06:15):
can just practice saying thingslike there's many ways to say
no.
When I coach people, we go on awhole rant about different ways
to say no, in a kind way,speaking your truth, like I'm
just not comfortable with that,instead of forcing a smile and
going along with it.
Now, physical and energeticboundaries are ones that we
(06:40):
don't always talk about.
They're very scrutinized, yetoften overlooked.
And here's the part that wedon't always talk about.
They're very scrutinized yetoften overlooked.
And here's the part that wedon't talk about physical space.
During COVID there was thatwhole.
You know, the social distancingand everything.
But now we're back to beingcloser than ever and I am a
(07:00):
hugger by nature.
I really love that warmheart-to-heart feeling.
But I have also learnedsomething about myself.
There are certain people Idon't actually want to hug, and
it's not because I don't likethem, it's just because just in
that moment, my body, my energyfield, it just doesn't feel like
(07:22):
I want to do it.
And yeah, your body has anenergetic field.
My body is telling me thisisn't the right kind of close
for me right now.
So your gut is 500,000 moretimes likely to be right than
your consciousness, your gutinstinct.
(07:43):
And that is from Chris Voss.
He was an FBI hostagenegotiator for years and he
wrote the award winning bookNever Split the Difference
Awesome book, not just for thosewho are interested in
negotiating hostages but forpeople in relationships learning
(08:05):
how to negotiate whereeverybody feels good about
things and you enhance yourcommunication.
I would definitely recommendthat book Never Split the
Difference and no, he didn't payme to say this.
So it's valid to go on your gutfeeling and you can use that
statistic, you can look it upand fact check it and just tell
(08:25):
yourself that when you'regetting a no, you know.
When you get a yes, it's a fullbody.
Yes, research shows that humansactually do have measurable
energy fields.
Our hearts emit anelectromagnetic signal that can
be detected several feet awayand when we allow someone into
(08:46):
our space, we are literallyletting our energy field
interact with them.
So if a hug feels nourishing,that's great.
If a hug feels draining, youhave every right to skip it.
And I can just remember so manytimes when I was little you know
, go hug so-and-so.
(09:08):
And it was some relative Ididn't even know maybe.
I saw them twice a year at afamily reunion.
I didn't want to and I stilldid it and it's embarrassing me
for me to say right now, but Ieven would tell my kids go hug
so-and-so, and they probablydidn't want to.
So I was teaching them don'tlisten to yourself, listen to me
, you might hurt.
(09:28):
Don't know Martha's feelings ifyou don't give her a hug.
And that's not even trueMandatory hugs, not okay.
So why does feeling understoodchange our brains so much and
why is it so hard to speak up?
Here's where science and spiritmeet.
(09:51):
When you set a boundary andsomeone respects it, something
really magical happens.
Your brain releases oxytocinthat's the bonding hormone, and
serotonin, that's the moodstabilizer.
Stabilizer Oxytocin makes youfeel safe and connected and
(10:18):
loved.
Serotonin helps you feel calmand grounded and happy.
In other words, when someoneunderstands and honors your
space, honors your boundaries,honors your feelings, your brain
literally rewards you withfeel-good chemistry.
So think about what theimplications of that.
When you're having aconversation with somebody and
(10:40):
you are honoring theirboundaries and they feel
understood, their brain isrewarding them with feel-good
chemistry.
And what kind of people wouldyou rather be around them with
feel-good chemistry?
And what kind of people wouldyou rather be around?
So for science lovers, drstephen porges and that's
polyvagal theory.
They explain how feeling safein connection activates your
(11:03):
social engagement system andthat calms your nervous system,
tells you inside and short, ittells you these are my people, I
, I'm okay here, these are mypeople, this is my tribe, and it
also improves your overallemotional regulation.
Another area of boundaries tolook at is how to know when to
(11:27):
speak up, and I do coach a lotabout this.
If you're tired of secondguessing yourself, here's the
trick Speak up the moment younotice a shift in your body or
your mood, and this skill hashelped so many people that I've
(11:49):
worked with and it helps me.
Just take a moment and theminute you notice a shift,
without questioning it, in yourbody or your mood, speak up.
Your body is the first to knowwhen something's wrong.
Remember that statistic aboutthe gut your mind just likes to
(12:11):
argue with it.
Pay attention to that tightchest, to the stomach drop.
Pay attention if your face isall hot or your palms are sweaty
.
Pay attention to that justuneasy feeling that you get that
you can't be still.
That's your signal to check inand decide whether a boundary
(12:34):
needs to be expressed.
This is one that you reallyhave to practice, but, just like
brushing your teeth is dentalhygiene and you're not just
going to do that once and you'redone with it for the week or
for the month or for the year.
Mental hygiene is this.
This is like mental hygiene,you just have to practice.
(12:56):
There's also another reason, andthat's that everybody perceives
conflict differently.
There are different conflictstyles.
Some people are conflictavoidant.
When their boundaries arechallenged and you might be one
of those you pull back or youmight go silent to avoid tension
(13:17):
.
Some people are conflictaccommodating and that means you
kind of give in to keep thepeace, often at your own expense
.
Another style is competing, andthat means you push hard to win
your point.
Sometimes you end up creatingmore distance, because when you
(13:38):
get into a win-lose situation ifI'm, if somebody wins, somebody
is going to lose, and that'sjust a recipe for failure.
If you want to enhancecommunication with someone or
assert your boundaries, thereare people that when they get
into a situation that requiresconflict, they're very, very
(13:59):
compromising.
You may meet halfway and itdoesn't always work to meet
halfway, but you also maysacrifice important needs just
to keep the peace.
Then there's also collaborating, and collaborating is my
favorite because you learn howto kind of work together, that
you work together in the name ofthe relationship you have or in
(14:23):
the name of the importance ofthe situation you're dealing
with, just for a solution thathonors both people's boundaries,
which is ideal if you mutuallyrespect each other.
So recognizing your defaultstyle can help you choose
healthier responses.
Here is where science reallyreally meets spirit.
(14:47):
Again, our brains are wired forconnection, so we feel almost
as though we are not, or almostas though we are validated when
we don't have to worry aboutboundaries so much.
Now that should not be confusedwith I can be myself all the
(15:11):
way with this person.
I can definitely be myself withpeople and still hold my space
and still hold my boundaries.
There's also a problem withovergiving, and the roots of
this can be your childhood, itcan be conditioning, it can just
(15:31):
be your conflict style, andthat's giving until it hurts, or
giving from a place of notfullness, which is not even
healthy for the recipientenergetically.
I was guilty of this for yearsand I do apologize to anybody
who I gave to when I was reallydrained and really didn't have
(15:53):
it to give, because that wasn'teven my best.
It wasn't even clean energy tobe giving them.
So how can you representyourself with new beliefs?
And we know the brain likesfamiliar.
You know that by now.
It's my mantra, so you canremind yourself that you're safe
(16:15):
when you honor yourself.
And shifting to mutualrelationships, giving, receiving
.
It's a really sacred exchange.
It's not a barrier, it's abridge, and and if it becomes a
barrier to a relationship whenyou set a boundary, that's not
(16:35):
your relationship.
Let them, there'll be somebodyelse who it works with.
Trust me, don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time on peoplewho can't respect your
boundaries.
You heard it there will besomeone else.
(16:56):
So a short five-minutevisualization.
Take a moment and anchor intoyour worth.
Think of a time when you spokeyour truth and see yourself
receiving love, rest orappreciation without guilt.
(17:22):
My needs matter.
I honor my voice and I wouldpractice that I honor my voice
and I would practice that.
You can practice that once aday for a few weeks.
It takes 21 days to make ahabit, just getting that into
(17:45):
your system.
We know that your brain doesn'tknow the difference and you'll
be making those neuralconnections.
And just think about speakingyour truth.
So here's some things you mightwant to write about.
Where in my life am I overgiving out of fear or habit, and
(18:06):
what does my body feel likewhen I abandon my own needs?
Self-abandonment was huge withthe kids that I was coaching
this past year, right down tonine-year-olds.
Self-abandonment was number oneof what we worked on at the end
of the year.
To not repeat, what does mybody feel like when I abandon my
(18:30):
needs, remembering that ourbodies are going to pick up on
it.
Your gut response is going topick up on it and that's much
more accurate than a thoughtyou're having about it.
What would a balanced mutualrelationship feel like for me?
And if you can think of anyrelationship that you have and
visualize that that is balancedIf you can't make one up just so
(18:56):
you can get the feeling in yourbody, if you're lucky enough to
have a mutual relationship oryou can witness a mutual
relationship, get that feelingin your body and memorize it,
because this is your body sayingyes, this is right for me, just
(19:17):
for practice.
What's a small boundary thatyou can practice today?
It could be somebody squeezingin saying can I have five
minutes of your time, becauseyou know what?
It's never five minutes, weknow that.
Or can you stay for a meetingat blah, blah, blah time and you
really need to go home, it'sreally not a good time.
(19:38):
Or somebody calling and saying,like me, I always say, is this a
good time?
And if the person says it'sreally not, it's okay with me.
I would rather that they tellme it's not a good time.
If you're not fortunate enoughto have someone who asks when
they call you, is this a goodtime?
Just memorize this hey, I'dlove to talk.
(19:59):
This is not a good time for me.
I'll get back to you as soon asI get a chance.
I promise that's all no bigdeal.
Nobody wants to talk tosomebody that really doesn't
want to be talking to them, andif they do, then they're not
looking for a mutualconversation and they just might
as well be recording what theysay.
I mean, if they're not lookingfor feedback because you're not
(20:22):
available, because you're tryingto feed your kids dinner, or
because your husband just gothome from a trip, or because
you're just tired and drainedthat day, or fill in your own
blank Maybe you just started towork out and it's not a good
time for you.
They need to accept that it'snot a good time.
I am allowed to say no withoutexplaining.
(20:46):
My voice is worthy, clear andsafe to express.
Balance is a gift that I give tomyself and my relationships.
(21:07):
Balance is a gift.
Boundaries are not punishments.
They are actually the highestform of self-love.
When you set them, you're notjust protecting yourself.
You're actually creating a safecontainer for a deeper,
healthier connection.
(21:28):
And you can ask yourself when doI feel most drained?
Which people Get in touch withyour body?
Which boundary Is it emotional,time, communication or physical
is hardest for me to keep?
You don't even have to go intowhy.
You can just make the change.
How about if it was easy?
(21:51):
What if this was easier thanyou thought it would be?
What if it was simpler?
And you can say show me howsimple it can be to honor my
physical boundaries.
Show me how easy it can be tohonor my time boundaries.
What would my ideal day looklike if I honored all my
(22:14):
boundaries with the people I'mgoing to encounter today and you
might have to flush this out alittle bit.
You really might need to takesome time to write these I have
the right to protect my spaceand my energy, and people who
love me respect my boundariesbecause they have theirs Every
(22:38):
time I say no to someone else.
It's actually a yes to myself.
I honor my needs, my space andmy energy and the way I look at
it.
Those who were meant for mewill respect my boundaries and
meet me there.
Thank you so much for listening.
(22:59):
If this episode resonated,please share it and please, if
you've not subscribed yet,please subscribe to the podcast.
It helps us.
And leave a review if you can.
Share this with someone whocould use.
A reminder that boundaries arebeautiful Makes me want to just
design a t-shirt Until next time.
Protect your energy, speak yourtruth and watch how your life
(23:22):
transforms.
Thank you.
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