History is Bullshit.

You’ve heard the line a million times, probably from a high school history teacher trying to sound profound: “History is written by the victors.” Many love to attribute this zinger to Winston Churchill. Cute. Except, Churchill likely never said it. The sentiment is ancient, but this specific wording is a historical mess.

There are earlier versions, like a French one from 1842 that translates to, “History is right perhaps, but let us not forget, it was written by the victors.” The point is, history isn’t a perfect record of what happened; it’s a story. And the people who win the wars, the elections, and the cultural battles get to choose which version of that story gets told. It’s a narrative shaped by agendas and prejudices to serve the interests of the powerful.

Still not convinced? Let's look at a few examples.

The Great American Whitewash

Let's talk about America's favorite lost sailor, Christopher Columbus. The man has a national holiday, for god sakes. Yet, the whitewashed hero of your childhood textbooks never actually set foot on the shores of North America. On October 12, 1492, this douchebag bumped into the Bahamas. He later explored the coasts of modern-day Cuba, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic, but he never planted a Spanish flag in what would become the United States. He was so geographically challenged he died believing he found a shortcut to Asia.

When he arrived, Columbus and his crew were met by the indigenous Taino people. The Tainos, in Columbus’s own words, were friendly and generous, trading everything they had. Columbus also noted in his diary how handsome and well-built they were, immediately followed by the chilling observation, "They should be good servants."

What followed was a shitshow that we’d call “terrorism” today. Those friendly natives were forced into slavery, primarily to mine for gold. If they failed to meet their quotas, they were punished by having their hands cut off. Between the slavery, the torture, and the European diseases that ravaged the population, the Taino were virtually annihilated within a few decades.

Oh, and the first European to actually reach North America? That was likely Norse explorer Leif Eriksson, who landed in Canada almost 500 years before Columbus was even born. So, instead, America celebrates the moron who got lost, brutalized the locals, and "discovered" nothing. Makes perfect sense.

The Founding Father with a Dark Secret

Ah, George Washington. The cherry-tree-chopping "Father of our Country." Let's take a peek at his actual resume, shall we? He inherited his first 10 enslaved people at age 11. By the time of his death in 1799, his Mount Vernon estate was a forced-labor camp for 316 human beings. While 123 were legally his, the others came with his marriage to Martha.

To his credit, Washington was the only slave-owning founding father who became president to arrange for the emancipation of his slaves. But, that was much later, in his will. A noble gesture? Naw, it too was a douche move. It cost him absolutely nothing and only took effect after he and his wife were dead, meaning the people who served this fuckface his entire life died in bondage.

Militarily, he was a loser. George lost more battles than he won. His real genius was in running away to keep the Continental Army from completely imploding. The French army saved our asses, but that’s a whole other story.

But his record isn't just about losing to the British. In 1779, frustrated by Iroquois nations siding with the enemy, Washington ordered the Sullivan Expedition. This campaign was designed to inflict "the total destruction and devastation of their settlements." American forces torched more than 40 villages, destroying homes and winter food supplies, making no distinction between allies and foes. It was a brutal campaign of collective punishment aimed at crippling an entire people.

That American pride is really glowing now, ain’t it?

Republics, Democracies, and Other Lies

Fast forward to today. Here’s a fun party trick to annoy your friends: The United States isn't a democracy. It’s a republic.

Don't believe me? Say the Pledge of Allegiance. "And to the Republic for which it stands..."

What's the difference?

* A pure democracy is essentially two wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner. The majority rules, and the minority has no protection.

* A republic is governed by elected representatives and the rule of law. A constitution, in theory, is supposed to protect the inalienable rights of everyone, including the sick, poor, weak, and any other minorities. In theory, a republic gives the sheep a shock collar to place on the