Running, Cats, and the Quiet Secession of the American Woman

Let's be honest, American sexuality is a goddamn dumpster fire. We’re all walking on eggshells, so terrified of being the next weirdo on the neighborhood watch Facebook page that we can’t even have a normal conversation. The other day, a teenage girl started chatting with me while I was walking my dog. She was just being friendly, and I was scared shitless. What would the neighbors think? An adult man talking to a kid? She started it, for fuck's sake!

Is that level of paranoia normal now?

And while we’re at it, what’s the deal with titties? Why are men’s chests public property and women’s are a national secret? What kind of Puritanical holdover bullshit is that?

There was some chatter after the last election about a "sex strike," inspired by South Korea’s 4B movement where women swore off men entirely. It was a bold idea that, of course, went absolutely nowhere. But here’s the thing: a massive shift between men and women has been brewing for a while. Women are quietly leading a drift away from traditional relationships, and the numbers don't lie.

According to Pew Research, 38% of U.S. adults were unpartnered in 2019, up from 29% in 1990. Even crazier? Half of single adults weren't even looking to date. And get this: while 61% of single men were still desperately swiping right, only 38% of single women gave a damn. Romance isn't dead, but it’s definitely on a smoke break, and asexuality is on the rise.

And I think I know why.

The Fast, Feline, and Feminist

I’ve cracked the fucking code: Women who keep cats are more likely to be asexual.

Think about it. There’s something suspicious about a woman who willingly cohabitates with a narcissistic, breath-stealing, fish-breath ball of hate fur. Cats are too damn independent to give you the unconditional love of a dog. They’ll vanish for a week, break your heart, and saunter back in like they own the fucking place.

And yet, some women adore them. My neighbor walks hers on a leash. I have to physically restrain myself from laughing.

A cat replaces a man. It has no needs other than food and a place to shit, which, let's face it, makes it significantly less needy than the average dude. Maybe that’s the turn-off.

These cat women have a secret agenda: they’ve got shit to do, and sex just gums up the works. If your girlfriend suddenly brings a cat home, she’s not-so-subtly telling you that you’re too goddamn clingy.

But here’s where it gets devious. They’ll still prowl for men, not for love, but for safety and financial security. They play a good game, making you think you’re important until you’re bagged and tagged. Cats are sneaky, and so are their keepers. As the great philosopher George W. Bush once said, “Fool me once, fool you twice, or fool you once, and…” Well, you get the point.

Now, add running to the mix.

A cat-keeping woman who runs is exponentially more asexual.

Not only is she deflecting your affection with her furry little proxy, she bought new sneakers and is literally training to run away from it.

Fellas, if you hate sex, harbor a secret STD, or are packing an unusually tiny ween, this fast feline feminist is your dream girl. For the rest of you, consider these two GINORMOUS red flags.

A Field Guide to the Modern Feminist

I never met a real, vocal feminist until recently. We’ll call her Violet.

Like a spoiled child, Violet always finds something to bitch about. This new wave of feminism is frighteningly similar to religious fundamentalism—an absolute, unshakeable conviction in its own flawed righteousness.

So, what’s the big feminist fight today? Fucking catcalls.

A tiny, loud-as-hell regiment of women believes unsolicited compliments should be a criminal offense. They’re so angry that it’s hard to tell who they are behind their anonymous social media profiles.

Based on my observations of Violet, here’s my best guess at a profile of today’s feminist:

* White women with short hair: They chop it all off to avoid male attention because, you guessed it, they’re probably asexual.

* Natural blondes over 26: God is unkind to them as they age, and they take their hatred of wrinkles out on all of mankind.

* Over-educated career women: They’re pissed they spent their prime childbearing years in a library.

* Women who own cats: Again, a cat is a well-known heterosexual male repellent.

* Women with jacked-up testosterone: She’s hyper-competitive and basically a dude, but she’s mad she’s not accepted as one.

* Morbidly obese women (with short hair and cats): She’s tired of being called heavy and figures she has no chance with men anyway, so she’s hoping to hook up with the blonde over 26.