May 3, 2025 • 18 mins
This episode dives into the emotional journey of navigating trauma and reclaiming self-worth amidst familial dysfunctions. I am sharing my heartfelt experience of struggling through hopelessness, searching for help, and discovering transformative tools like meditation, inner child healing, and self-awareness. Learn how I confronted deep-seated childhood emotions and rewrote the patterns of behavior, finding clarity and light along the way. This story emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with your true self, breaking generational cycles, and embracing personal growth to shape a more fulfilling future.
Through a thought-provoking questionnaire sourced from the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization, listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own experiences and recognize how familial patterns might shape their reactions and self-perception.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to my podcast.
You are a cure adult children ofalcoholics.
I'm so grateful that you arehere with me today.
So let's start from thebeginning.
So for me, the beginning wasdiscovering of the problem.
(00:22):
So the first time I heard aboutchildren of alcoholics, ACOA,
was in my early 20s.
My dad had just startedattending his AA group and he
suggested to my sister and methat we might want to try ACOA
(00:43):
group therapy.
It might help us work from someissues, he said.
At the time, I had no idea whatproblems he was talking about.
I mean, sure, I was...
Constantly feeling sad, riddledwith anxiety and terrified of
talking to people.
I was completely convinced thatI was stupid, unworthy of love
(01:09):
and hopelessly craving someoneto love me and for me to love
them back.
The idea of having my ownfamily, it felt about as
impossible as me landing on themoon.
I was sure I'd never have ahusband or kids.
Honestly, I couldn't even bringmyself to leave the house to
(01:30):
meet new people.
So when my dad suggested ACOAtherapy, I figured it was just
something he had to say to us aspart of his own process in the
AA group.
Nothing more than that.
I didn't give it much thought.
(01:51):
To me, I felt normal.
This is how I'd always felt.
I'd come to think of it as justmy natural state.
But the idea was like a seed.
It planted itself in my brain.
It stayed there, dormant for thetime being.
But it was still there.
(02:12):
The conditions for it to growjust weren't quite right yet.
The next amazing thing thathappened was when my mom got a
book from her friend and passedit on to me.
It was called Women Who Love TooMuch by Robin Norwood.
(02:34):
This must have been about twoyears after my dad started his
AA group.
That book completely shifted myperspective and opened my eyes
to so much truth.
She was really describing me inthe book.
I realized I was neglecting myown needs and desires just to
(02:57):
get a little bit of love andacceptance.
There wasn't even a me in theequation anymore.
The most impactful sentence inthe book for me was about how
these toxic behaviors andtraumas are passed down through
generations.
(03:17):
So our parents got them fromtheir parents and their parents
got them from theirs.
And it hit me, I would end uppassing them on to my kids too.
When I discovered RobinNorwood's book, I was in a
relationship, a tough one, asyou can probably imagine.
(03:39):
By that point, I could actuallypicture myself having kids.
That's when I decided to try outthe therapy my dad had mentioned
the other day.
I knew I had to heal for them,my future children.
I didn't want to create a livinghell for them.
(03:59):
Living in a family withaddiction is so toxic.
It's like this, you're not evenaware of your traumas and you
don't realize there's anotherway to live.
You don't understand why you actor react the way you do.
You don't know why you're sad orangry.
(04:20):
You might not even know what youare feeling.
When you are stuck in the samepatterns and reactions, it's
impossible to imagine behavingany other way.
All you know are the toxicthoughts and responses.
When you become a parent, youjust repeat what you know.
(04:43):
You react the same way youalways have and those same
thoughts keep running throughyour head, creating the same
words you heard as a child.
And the hardest part, if youwere never given love,
understanding, acceptance orsupport as a kid, you have no
(05:04):
idea how to give those things toyour own children.
It all started clicking for me.
So I made the call to set up myfirst meeting with an ACOA
therapist, which is adultchildren of alcoholics.
That's when I realized somethinghuge.
(05:28):
I couldn't name any emotionsbesides anger, sadness,
happiness, the basic ones.
I also discovered I wassabotaging my relationship by
picking fights.
In those moments, I would feelthe same emotions I had when my
dad came home drunk.
(05:48):
It was like I could step backinto that victim role all over
again.
I went to about five or sixtherapy sessions and then my
therapist suggested that I couldget even more out of joining a
support group.
So I did.
I was really determined to learnmore and help myself.
(06:12):
And I started noticing smallchanges in my life.
I became more aware of theemotions that I felt whenever
I...
Normally, pick a fight with mypartner and slip into the victim
role.
I began telling myself, theseemotions aren't coming from this
(06:33):
situation.
They are from the past.
And slowly but surely, I wasable to break out of these
repeating patterns one step at atime.
In the group, I realized thatdeep down, they were all the
same.
Sure, we would...
(06:53):
Each been through our ownversion of hell, but it shaped
us in similar ways.
Some of us took on the role ofthe hero, the mascot or
invisible child.
But at the core, we were alldealing with the same struggles.
We felt different, inferior toothers, judged ourselves harshly
(07:15):
and wrestled with a lack oflove, acceptance and respect.
Biggest realization I had duringthose nine months of therapy was
just how incredible these peopletruly were.
Amazing, beautiful, intelligent.
And yet they couldn't see it.
(07:37):
They were still repeating thelies they heard in their
childhood and adolescence.
And me, I was no different.
Of course, I'd be doing the samething.
Reprogramming those beliefsabout myself and the world
around me was so hard, but Ididn't want to give up.
(07:58):
I knew that behind all themasks, my true self was waiting.
I wanted to dig deeper and seewhat I could heal.
As I kept at it, I becamebraver, happier, and even
started recognizing howintelligent I really am.
(08:19):
That was a huge shift for mebecause for my entire life I'd
been told and shown that Iwasn't.
I struggled in school and I evenhad a teacher tell me I was
stupid.
During the time when I wasparticipating in the group, I
started journalism as apostgraduate student.
(08:43):
I loved it.
I was so good in writing and Iwas thrilled to receive amazing
feedback from the professors.
I finally found the thing I wasgood at and felt proud and
confident.
And then life happens.
I got married and a few daysafter the wedding, I left to a
(09:07):
different country, away from thefamily, people and the language
I knew.
I was on my own for threemonths.
I found a job, a place to rentand settled down.
That was such a brave step and Idid it.
After three months, my husbandjoined me and we started trying
(09:30):
to build our marriage in the waywe knew how.
But the truth is, he also camefrom a dysfunctional family.
And our ideas of what marriageshould look like were far from
what a healthy relationshipshould be.
We hurt each other and I felttrapped and deeply unhappy.
(09:52):
I found myself wondering overand over.
Where did a happy, confidentgirl who loved studying
journalism disappear to?
I wanted help so badly.
I searched for a therapist or agroup nearby, but there was
nothing available.
I went through moments where Ifelt completely disoriented,
(10:17):
helpless and on the verge ofgiving up.
It felt like I was falling.
There was no one there to catchme.
There was no support, no one totalk to.
I felt like I was losing mymind.
I even started looking up how tofile for divorce.
(10:37):
I just want to break free fromthis man who only made me
miserable.
I had two kids and the book thatI read was constantly on my
mind.
You are passing shit onto them.
Why wasn't therapy helping me?
Why these old traumas andbehaviors keep coming back?
(11:01):
Why couldn't I be happy like Iwas back when I was studying
journalism before I got married?
These questions were hauntingme.
I couldn't sleep anymore.
I just lay there staring at theceiling, thinking about how I
could leave my husband andmanage on my own.
(11:22):
I was really terrified, but Ikept fighting for the sake of my
kids' mental health.
I told him, I was thinking aboutdivorce.
He didn't take me seriously atall when I said it.
After a while though, I startednoticing small changes in his
(11:44):
behavior.
He became kinder, moreunderstanding, even more loving.
At first, I didn't trust it.
I thought it was temporary, butI waited and eventually this new
behavior became the norm.
It wasn't perfect, definitelynot, but it was so much better.
(12:07):
It was as though the tensionbetween us had eased, like we
both ran out of steam.
We still didn't understand whywe reacted the way we did in
certain situations, but ourreactions were calmer.
I'm not sure what sparked thischange.
Maybe it was because he saw thatI decided to treat myself better
(12:31):
and and started demandingrespect.
Honestly, I don't know.
Still, I started feeling moreconfident in my actions.
I began taking back control,trusting my intuition more and
opening myself up to thepositivity and beauty in the
world.
Once I felt safer in my home andin my life, it was like more
(12:56):
light could reach my thoughtsand reshape the way I saw
things.
In 2020, when COVID hit, I hadto work from home.
At some point, watching the newsand TV became way too much for
me.
It felt like we were constantlybeing bombarded with fear,
(13:20):
uncertainty, anger,hopelessness.
I went from my own stages, firstfear, then anger and finally I
decided to turn off the TV andradio altogether.
Instead of looking outward, Iturned inward.
The world outside had become toooverwhelming.
(13:42):
That's when the magic startedhappening.
I began meditating, readingspiritual books about the power
of our minds.
The more I learned about how ourminds and emotions work, the
more light and understandingentered my life.
(14:02):
And my husband also starteddoing the same things.
We were lucky to have the chanceto sit in silence and face the
truth of what had happened to usas kids.
We had to confront thoseemotions fully all the way to
the core because they'd beenstuck in our throats.
(14:26):
and hearts for so long.
To uncover the truth, I startedpaying attention to how I
reacted to certain situationsand asking myself why I was
reacting that way.
I also observed my emotions andquestioned whether they matched
(14:50):
what was really happening in thepresent or if they were just
echoes from the past.
By becoming more aware of myfeelings and reactions, I slowly
began to change my beliefs andin turn my reality.
I realized I needed to tune into what my inner child was going
(15:13):
through.
I had to allow myself to relievethose moments, to give that
little girl safety, love andacceptance she had been missing.
Whenever I would revisit aspecific moment from the past,
I'd bring her exactly what sheneeded but didn't get at the
(15:33):
time.
So I just prepared for you aquestionnaire that you can take
now.
If you maybe have some paper andsomething to write, you can take
it.
So the questionnaire...
(15:54):
is basically to find out if youare an adult children of
alcoholics.
And I got it from the AdultChildren of Alcoholics and
Dysfunctional Families WorldService Organization website.
So the first question is, do Ifear authority figures and angry
(16:18):
people?
Do I see most forms of criticismas a personal attack?
Do I have difficulty identifyingfeelings?
Do I involve myself in theproblems of others?
(16:42):
Do I feel more alive when thereis a crisis?
Do I judge myself without mercy?
Do I recall anyone at my homedrinking or taking drugs or
being involved in some otherbehavior that I now believe
(17:04):
could be dysfunctional?
Did one of my parents makeexcuses for the other parents
drinking or other behaviors?
And the last question is...
As an adult, do I still feellike a child inside?
(17:25):
If you answered yes to one ofthose questions, it's likely you
grew up in a family where youhad to take on a specific role
just to survive.
You might have had to ignoreyour own needs and even act as a
parent to your parents.
(17:46):
What I've learned on my journeyis that being part of a family
like this does not define you.
You just need to reconnect withyour true self.
In families like this, we oftengrow into certain roles and lose
sight of our unique talents andgifts.
(18:08):
And by the way, in the episodetwo, you can find out more about
the roles in those families.
And that's why healing anddiscovering your truth is so, so
important.
It's the key to uncovering whoyou really are.
(18:32):
Stick around for more episodesif my story resonates with you
and always remember you have thepower to change your life.
All the best.
Love you.
Hello and welcome to my podcast.
You are a cure adult children ofalcoholics.
I'm so grateful that you arehere with me today.
So let's start from thebeginning.
So for me, the beginning wasdiscovering of the problem.
(00:22):
So the first time I heard aboutchildren of alcoholics, ACOA,
was in my early 20s.
My dad had just startedattending his AA group and he
suggested to my sister and methat we might want to try ACOA
(00:43):
group therapy.
It might help us work from someissues, he said.
At the time, I had no idea whatproblems he was talking about.
I mean, sure, I was...
Constantly feeling sad, riddledwith anxiety and terrified of
talking to people.
I was completely convinced thatI was stupid, unworthy of love
(01:09):
and hopelessly craving someoneto love me and for me to love
them back.
The idea of having my ownfamily, it felt about as
impossible as me landing on themoon.
I was sure I'd never have ahusband or kids.
Honestly, I couldn't even bringmyself to leave the house to
(01:30):
meet new people.
So when my dad suggested ACOAtherapy, I figured it was just
something he had to say to us aspart of his own process in the
AA group.
Nothing more than that.
I didn't give it much thought.
(01:51):
To me, I felt normal.
This is how I'd always felt.
I'd come to think of it as justmy natural state.
But the idea was like a seed.
It planted itself in my brain.
It stayed there, dormant for thetime being.
But it was still there.
(02:12):
The conditions for it to growjust weren't quite right yet.
The next amazing thing thathappened was when my mom got a
book from her friend and passedit on to me.
It was called Women Who Love TooMuch by Robin Norwood.
(02:34):
This must have been about twoyears after my dad started his
AA group.
That book completely shifted myperspective and opened my eyes
to so much truth.
She was really describing me inthe book.
I realized I was neglecting myown needs and desires just to
(02:57):
get a little bit of love andacceptance.
There wasn't even a me in theequation anymore.
The most impactful sentence inthe book for me was about how
these toxic behaviors andtraumas are passed down through
generations.
(03:17):
So our parents got them fromtheir parents and their parents
got them from theirs.
And it hit me, I would end uppassing them on to my kids too.
When I discovered RobinNorwood's book, I was in a
relationship, a tough one, asyou can probably imagine.
(03:39):
By that point, I could actuallypicture myself having kids.
That's when I decided to try outthe therapy my dad had mentioned
the other day.
I knew I had to heal for them,my future children.
I didn't want to create a livinghell for them.
(03:59):
Living in a family withaddiction is so toxic.
It's like this, you're not evenaware of your traumas and you
don't realize there's anotherway to live.
You don't understand why you actor react the way you do.
You don't know why you're sad orangry.
(04:20):
You might not even know what youare feeling.
When you are stuck in the samepatterns and reactions, it's
impossible to imagine behavingany other way.
All you know are the toxicthoughts and responses.
When you become a parent, youjust repeat what you know.
(04:43):
You react the same way youalways have and those same
thoughts keep running throughyour head, creating the same
words you heard as a child.
And the hardest part, if youwere never given love,
understanding, acceptance orsupport as a kid, you have no
(05:04):
idea how to give those things toyour own children.
It all started clicking for me.
So I made the call to set up myfirst meeting with an ACOA
therapist, which is adultchildren of alcoholics.
That's when I realized somethinghuge.
(05:28):
I couldn't name any emotionsbesides anger, sadness,
happiness, the basic ones.
I also discovered I wassabotaging my relationship by
picking fights.
In those moments, I would feelthe same emotions I had when my
dad came home drunk.
(05:48):
It was like I could step backinto that victim role all over
again.
I went to about five or sixtherapy sessions and then my
therapist suggested that I couldget even more out of joining a
support group.
So I did.
I was really determined to learnmore and help myself.
(06:12):
And I started noticing smallchanges in my life.
I became more aware of theemotions that I felt whenever
I...
Normally, pick a fight with mypartner and slip into the victim
role.
I began telling myself, theseemotions aren't coming from this
(06:33):
situation.
They are from the past.
And slowly but surely, I wasable to break out of these
repeating patterns one step at atime.
In the group, I realized thatdeep down, they were all the
same.
Sure, we would...
(06:53):
Each been through our ownversion of hell, but it shaped
us in similar ways.
Some of us took on the role ofthe hero, the mascot or
invisible child.
But at the core, we were alldealing with the same struggles.
We felt different, inferior toothers, judged ourselves harshly
(07:15):
and wrestled with a lack oflove, acceptance and respect.
Biggest realization I had duringthose nine months of therapy was
just how incredible these peopletruly were.
Amazing, beautiful, intelligent.
And yet they couldn't see it.
(07:37):
They were still repeating thelies they heard in their
childhood and adolescence.
And me, I was no different.
Of course, I'd be doing the samething.
Reprogramming those beliefsabout myself and the world
around me was so hard, but Ididn't want to give up.
(07:58):
I knew that behind all themasks, my true self was waiting.
I wanted to dig deeper and seewhat I could heal.
As I kept at it, I becamebraver, happier, and even
started recognizing howintelligent I really am.
(08:19):
That was a huge shift for mebecause for my entire life I'd
been told and shown that Iwasn't.
I struggled in school and I evenhad a teacher tell me I was
stupid.
During the time when I wasparticipating in the group, I
started journalism as apostgraduate student.
(08:43):
I loved it.
I was so good in writing and Iwas thrilled to receive amazing
feedback from the professors.
I finally found the thing I wasgood at and felt proud and
confident.
And then life happens.
I got married and a few daysafter the wedding, I left to a
(09:07):
different country, away from thefamily, people and the language
I knew.
I was on my own for threemonths.
I found a job, a place to rentand settled down.
That was such a brave step and Idid it.
After three months, my husbandjoined me and we started trying
(09:30):
to build our marriage in the waywe knew how.
But the truth is, he also camefrom a dysfunctional family.
And our ideas of what marriageshould look like were far from
what a healthy relationshipshould be.
We hurt each other and I felttrapped and deeply unhappy.
(09:52):
I found myself wondering overand over.
Where did a happy, confidentgirl who loved studying
journalism disappear to?
I wanted help so badly.
I searched for a therapist or agroup nearby, but there was
nothing available.
I went through moments where Ifelt completely disoriented,
(10:17):
helpless and on the verge ofgiving up.
It felt like I was falling.
There was no one there to catchme.
There was no support, no one totalk to.
I felt like I was losing mymind.
I even started looking up how tofile for divorce.
(10:37):
I just want to break free fromthis man who only made me
miserable.
I had two kids and the book thatI read was constantly on my
mind.
You are passing shit onto them.
Why wasn't therapy helping me?
Why these old traumas andbehaviors keep coming back?
(11:01):
Why couldn't I be happy like Iwas back when I was studying
journalism before I got married?
These questions were hauntingme.
I couldn't sleep anymore.
I just lay there staring at theceiling, thinking about how I
could leave my husband andmanage on my own.
(11:22):
I was really terrified, but Ikept fighting for the sake of my
kids' mental health.
I told him, I was thinking aboutdivorce.
He didn't take me seriously atall when I said it.
After a while though, I startednoticing small changes in his
(11:44):
behavior.
He became kinder, moreunderstanding, even more loving.
At first, I didn't trust it.
I thought it was temporary, butI waited and eventually this new
behavior became the norm.
It wasn't perfect, definitelynot, but it was so much better.
(12:07):
It was as though the tensionbetween us had eased, like we
both ran out of steam.
We still didn't understand whywe reacted the way we did in
certain situations, but ourreactions were calmer.
I'm not sure what sparked thischange.
Maybe it was because he saw thatI decided to treat myself better
(12:31):
and and started demandingrespect.
Honestly, I don't know.
Still, I started feeling moreconfident in my actions.
I began taking back control,trusting my intuition more and
opening myself up to thepositivity and beauty in the
world.
Once I felt safer in my home andin my life, it was like more
(12:56):
light could reach my thoughtsand reshape the way I saw
things.
In 2020, when COVID hit, I hadto work from home.
At some point, watching the newsand TV became way too much for
me.
It felt like we were constantlybeing bombarded with fear,
(13:20):
uncertainty, anger,hopelessness.
I went from my own stages, firstfear, then anger and finally I
decided to turn off the TV andradio altogether.
Instead of looking outward, Iturned inward.
The world outside had become toooverwhelming.
(13:42):
That's when the magic startedhappening.
I began meditating, readingspiritual books about the power
of our minds.
The more I learned about how ourminds and emotions work, the
more light and understandingentered my life.
(14:02):
And my husband also starteddoing the same things.
We were lucky to have the chanceto sit in silence and face the
truth of what had happened to usas kids.
We had to confront thoseemotions fully all the way to
the core because they'd beenstuck in our throats.
(14:26):
and hearts for so long.
To uncover the truth, I startedpaying attention to how I
reacted to certain situationsand asking myself why I was
reacting that way.
I also observed my emotions andquestioned whether they matched
(14:50):
what was really happening in thepresent or if they were just
echoes from the past.
By becoming more aware of myfeelings and reactions, I slowly
began to change my beliefs andin turn my reality.
I realized I needed to tune into what my inner child was going
(15:13):
through.
I had to allow myself to relievethose moments, to give that
little girl safety, love andacceptance she had been missing.
Whenever I would revisit aspecific moment from the past,
I'd bring her exactly what sheneeded but didn't get at the
(15:33):
time.
So I just prepared for you aquestionnaire that you can take
now.
If you maybe have some paper andsomething to write, you can take
it.
So the questionnaire...
(15:54):
is basically to find out if youare an adult children of
alcoholics.
And I got it from the AdultChildren of Alcoholics and
Dysfunctional Families WorldService Organization website.
So the first question is, do Ifear authority figures and angry
(16:18):
people?
Do I see most forms of criticismas a personal attack?
Do I have difficulty identifyingfeelings?
Do I involve myself in theproblems of others?
(16:42):
Do I feel more alive when thereis a crisis?
Do I judge myself without mercy?
Do I recall anyone at my homedrinking or taking drugs or
being involved in some otherbehavior that I now believe
(17:04):
could be dysfunctional?
Did one of my parents makeexcuses for the other parents
drinking or other behaviors?
And the last question is...
As an adult, do I still feellike a child inside?
(17:25):
If you answered yes to one ofthose questions, it's likely you
grew up in a family where youhad to take on a specific role
just to survive.
You might have had to ignoreyour own needs and even act as a
parent to your parents.
(17:46):
What I've learned on my journeyis that being part of a family
like this does not define you.
You just need to reconnect withyour true self.
In families like this, we oftengrow into certain roles and lose
sight of our unique talents andgifts.
(18:08):
And by the way, in the episodetwo, you can find out more about
the roles in those families.
And that's why healing anddiscovering your truth is so, so
important.
It's the key to uncovering whoyou really are.
(18:32):
Stick around for more episodesif my story resonates with you
and always remember you have thepower to change your life.
All the best.
Love you.
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