Episode 2- Roles in dysfunctional family

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In this episode, we explore different roles children take on in dysfunctional families and their lasting impact:

Hero: The family hero assumes a great deal of responsibility, often stepping in to manage household tasks and even parental duties, like searching for a missing parent. They’re constantly under pressure to be vigilant and ready to maintain order.

Invisible Child: This child avoids drawing attention to themselves, often seen as shy or timid. They take care of themselves and rarely ask for help, but as adults, they may struggle to express their needs and work collaboratively. However, they often possess a natural talent for listening and appreciating silence.

Mascot: The family clown who uses humor to defuse tension. While this role can bring joy, it often masks deep sadness and insecurity. Mascot kids may struggle with hyperactivity, a lack of focus, and superficial relationships. Despite their outward cheer, they often feel excluded from serious conversations and decisions.

Scapegoat: The opposite of the family hero, this child acts out and becomes the target of frustration in families dealing with alcoholism. Their behavior shifts attention away from underlying issues. As adults, they may face difficulties integrating into society and forming connections, often channeling anger into destructive actions.

These roles aren’t the true essence of who these children are—they're survival mechanisms developed in challenging environments. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward rediscovering oneself and breaking free from the roles imposed by family dynamics.

Tune in next time as we discuss strategies for reprogramming old patterns and uncovering your authentic self. Sending love and encouragement!

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to episode 2 of a podcast You Are a
Cure, Adult Children ofAlcoholics.
In this episode, I will betalking about roles in the
dysfunctional families.
First off, what is the role of afamily?
What should good parents providefor their kids?

(00:23):
The first thing that pops intomy head is safety, and I don't
just mean financial or materialsafety like having food or roof
over their heads, or beingprotected from the dangers of
the world, tigers, dangerouspeople, you name it.
The safety parents provide goesway beyond that.

(00:47):
A child should feel safe toplay, explore, learn.
They should feel safe to loveand trust.
To express their emotions,doubts and fears.
They should feel safe to askquestions.
Admit when they don't knowsomething.
Cry when they need to.

(01:07):
Be carefree and happy.
And even talk to their parentswhen they've had a tough day.
And here is a big one.
Kids should feel safe.
to show the talents they areborn with.
Without that sense of security,those talents often stay hidden

(01:27):
from the world.
Safety is such a basic yetcrucial factor for a child to
grow and develop into a healthyadult.
It's the foundation of afamily's role, providing that
sense of security so the littleones can thrive and be their
true selves For kids to feelsafe, parents need to be

(01:52):
mentally, emotionally andfinancially stable.
If one of those are missing,kids naturally pick up on it and
will subconsciously try to helptheir parents regain stability.
Why?
It's all about survival.
Back in prehistoric times, notfeeling safe could mean getting

(02:16):
eaten by a wild animal.
That instinct has stuck with us.
If a child senses their parentcan't create a safe environment,
they will put on adult hat anddo what they can to guide their
guardian back to stability.
This behavior isn't somethingthey consciously decide, of

(02:39):
course.
It's just how we are wired ashumans.
How do kids step into help whentheir parents are out of
balance?
Well, they often take on extraresponsibilities at home like
cleaning, grocery shopping,cooking, doing laundry and more.

(03:00):
Some even take care of theiryounger siblings, acting as
caretakers.
In some cases, they will calltheir parents' workplace to
report an absence.
carefully avoiding the truth, ofcourse, that their parent might
be drunk, hungover or under theinfluence.

(03:24):
These kids end up playing therole of a hero, always stepping
in to save the day.
They assist their parents whenthey are in trouble and even
take on the role of a therapist,offering emotional support and
guidance.
I remember this one time when Iwas around 12.

(03:46):
My mom had to go out for someshopping, so she hid all the
money in the armchair and gaveme a mission to make sure dad
couldn't find the money or leavethe house.
She even locked the front doorfrom the outside, so whoever was

(04:06):
inside could not get out.
She knew dad wanted to go outdrinking and I knew it too.
Of course, I said, I will do it.
We lived in a small two-bedroombungalow and dad was sleeping
after what had clearly been arough night for him.

(04:28):
When he woke up, just as wesuspected, he wanted to head out
to get some more of hismedicine.
I was standing by the armchair,while he searched for the money
and somehow he realized I wasguarding it.
He shoved me aside, grabbed themoney, climbed out through a

(04:50):
window and left me there,scared, hopeless, angry and
humiliated.
The person who was supposed toprotect me had shoved me away
and treated me like I didn'tmatter.
That day, I played the role ofthe family hero.

(05:11):
Just like I did while cleaningthe house, peeling potatoes for
dinner, ironing and everythingelse.
There were even nights when Ihad to go out to search for my
dad.
The hero takes on a lot ofpressure and responsibility.
They are always expected to bevigilant and ready, constantly

(05:34):
on the lookout.
In their adult lives, they cango on two ways.
Either they take on too muchresponsibility, become overly
controlling of themselves andthe people around them.
Or they do the completeopposite, letting go of

(05:58):
responsibility altogether.
They start running away fromanything that feels like a
have-to or a must.
In a way, they might end upmimicking their parents.
They struggle to rely onthemselves and often leave
decisions making to someoneclose to them.

(06:20):
So how does someone become ahero in dysfunctional family?
Roles in families like this areoften assigned based on certain
natural talents orpredispositions.
For example, a child who takeson the role of a hero might

(06:42):
already have a caring nature andwillingness to help others.
This is so, so important.
Remember, those talents werewhat helped your family survive.
But guess what?
You still have those talents andnow you can use them to build

(07:03):
your career.
If you are searching for yourpath, it's worth taking a moment
to understand how those talentswere tied to the roles you
played in your family.
Most of the time, it's theoldest sibling who takes on the
role of the hero.

(07:24):
This usually happens becausethey see and understand the
most, which makes them feelresponsible for the family and
the problems that come with it.
To take on that role, they oftensacrifice themselves, their
childhood and their own needs.

(07:44):
A hero child works hard toachieve success and does their
best to avoid causing anytrouble.
What's really tough for heroesthough is letting loose.
They struggle to enjoy fun,gatherings, games and find it
hard to be spontaneous.

(08:06):
Okay, so let's talk about thenext role, invisible child.
This role often falls to theyoungest sibling.
Their defense mechanism is allabout avoiding contact with the
alcoholic parent by staying outof sight and isolating

(08:26):
themselves.
For a child in a familystruggling with alcohol issues,
Survival often means escapinginto a world of fantasy, music
or personal interests.
These kids are usually lonelyand submissive, steering clear
of interactions with both adultsand peers.

(08:50):
At school, this child in the fogtends to abandon tasks, showing
little will or initiative.
Teachers often describe them aswithdrawn and absent.
The invisible child usuallytakes care of themselves, never
causing any trouble and rarelyasking for anything.

(09:15):
When interacting with adults orpeers, they often come across as
withdrawn, which makes them shy,seem shy or timid.
They do their best, to avoiddrawing attention to themselves
through their behavior.
It's worth noting that asadults, invisible children can

(09:40):
face significant challenges intheir relationships.
They often struggle to expresstheir needs or work
collaboratively with others,which can create problems in
their professional life.
The choice in the fog tends tokeep to themselves, avoiding

(10:00):
adults and peers and stayingquiet.
While they might silently resistthe family situation, it's not
something they actively show.
Kids who take on this role infamilies often struggle with
deep feelings of loneliness,fear, helplessness, and a low

(10:26):
sense of self-worth.
I mostly found myself in therole of the invisible child.
I always felt overlooked,convinced that I was shy and
awkward when interacting withpeople.
But through reflection, Idiscovered a beautiful talent I
came into this world with, theability to truly listen.

(10:51):
It felt natural for me to takeon this role because I was
naturally good at listening andI genuinely enjoyed silence and
peace.
The next role in the dysfunctionof families is the role of a
mascot.
Oh, I have played that rolealright.

(11:12):
When parents were upset, sad,angry, I put on a clown hat and
make them happy or smile.
just so they could be my parentsagain, to be adults and caring
for me.
But while doing this, I wasdying inside.
The amount of sadness wasunbearable.

(11:32):
I felt like crying.
But this was more important.
They were more important.
As this was linking to safety.
Of course, I have never feltsafe Never mind how I tried and
what roles I took on.
It was outside of my control.

(11:55):
I was not capable of changing myparents.
Just imagine your child, if youhave one, or any other child and
see if they could change yourbehaviors, thought patterns.
Hmm, I don't think so.
Going back to the mascot.

(12:17):
A child like this often takes onthe role of cheering up their
family members and is usuallycalled the angel or the sweet
child.
They deal with tension andstressful situations by cracking
jokes and making people laugh,trying to lighten the mood and

(12:38):
diffuse bad vibes.
In a way, they become thefamily's antidote to crisis.
Mascot kids are oftenhyperactive.
It's the way of coping.
They channel that energy intohumor and drawing attention to
themselves to ease the tension.

(12:58):
But here is the tough part.
The mascot child can't alwayshandle the stress or anger of an
alcoholic parent.
When they can't fix thesituation, they start feeling
unneeded.
weighed down by fear andrejection.
They begin to believe that ifthey can't make someone smile

(13:21):
anymore, they are no longervaluable.
They feel like a discardedmascot.
In school, mascot kids oftentake on the role of the class
clown.
They are always joking around,chatting with friends, cracking
people up.
But sometimes this lands them introuble, earning them notes home

(13:46):
for disruptive behavior.
They usually struggle to focus,which makes it hard for them to
stick to tasks or sit still.
On top of that, theirhyperactivity and lack of
responsibility can make teamworkpretty challenging.
These kids are known for losingthings and forgetting

(14:08):
assignments.
because the main goal is torelieve tension wherever they
go.
Mascot kids are generallywell-liked by both adults and
classmates because of theirupbeat, cheerful personalities.
But here is the thing, it'soften just a facade.

(14:29):
They tend to steer clear ofdeeper relationships since most
of the attention they get issurface-level and fleeting, only
their attention.
when they are making peoplelaugh.
No matter how old they are,masked kids often get treated
like they are immature or unableto handle complex stuff.

(14:53):
Because of this, they areusually left out of family
decisions or seriousconversations, and their
opinions are just brushed aside.
This role usually falls to theyoungest kids and the natural
talent they come into this worldwith.

(15:14):
Yes, you guessed it.
It's a sense of humor.
But it doesn't stop there.
It also includes intelligenceand empathy.
Oh yes, to be a comic, you'vegot to be emotionally
intelligent and superempathetic.
You need to know who is feelingwhat.

(15:36):
and have a radar for emotionsthat's always switched on.
So well done.
These are your incredibletalents and they are yours to
use.
You're absolutely amazing.
The last role in this toxic playgoes to scapegoat.

(15:56):
The scapegoat is usually thecomplete opposite of the family
hero.
And this role often falls to thesecond child.
They tend to act out, gettinginto fights, being
argumentative, struggling inschool and sometimes turning to
substances.

(16:16):
Because of this, they end up asthe family's punching bag.
In families dealing withalcoholism, the scapegoat
becomes the go-to target foreveryone's frustrations and
negative emotions.
They often get the mostattention, but not in a good
way.
and bear the aggression of thedrinking parents.

(16:41):
And by acting out, the scapegoatunintentionally shifts the focus
away from the family's realproblem– alcoholism.
Unfortunately, as adults, theyoften struggle to fit into
society, facing judgment andrejection from others.

(17:02):
Many scapegoats also find ithard to build and maintain
social connections later inlife.
At school, scapegoats areusually the kids who struggle
with the grades and don't putmuch effort into studying,
taking challenges or staying ontrack.

(17:22):
They tend to underperformdespite their potential, which
leads to low marks.
These kids often skip classes,disrupt lessons and stir up
trouble in the classroom.
Because of their behavior, theydon't usually have many friends
and are often disliked byadults.

(17:44):
To find support and acceptance,they gravitate toward others who
are like them.
This can sometimes lead toexperimenting with substances or
joining subcultures.
A scapegoat is often full ofanger and frustration, not just

(18:06):
towards the alcoholic parent,but also towards siblings who
have taken on the family herorole.
To deal with these feelings,they may act out with aggression
toward peers or release theirtension through fights or
vandalism.
You might take on one role orsometimes even two, Most of the

(18:32):
time, though, there's one mainrole you stick to in the family.
And you only step into theothers occasionally when the
situation calls for it.
The most important thing tounderstand is that those roles
are not you.

(18:53):
This is one of the biggestchallenges for us as adult
children of alcoholics.
figuring out who we really areand what our true character
traits are.
Honestly, I think the first stepin discovering yourself is
knowing who you are not.

(19:16):
Understanding the roles we playin dysfunctional families is
such a crucial step forward.
So I really hope that thisepisode will help you understand
who you are not.
You are on the right track.
So keep going.
You're doing amazing.

(19:37):
In the next episode, I'll betalking about ways to reprogram
those old patterns and uncoverwhat's truly you and what isn't.
Hope to see you then.
Sending love.