March 2, 2025 • 31 mins
Think you’re just dating? Think again. Women test men in ways you don’t even realize—fake breakups, emotional swings, and subtle challenges designed to reveal who you really are. Are you a leader or a pushover? A confident man or a try-hard simp? Alyne is back to break down the hidden rules of attraction, what women are really looking for, and why most men fail the test before they even know it’s happening.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to another What Your Dad Didn't Teach You.
(00:02):
I am joined by Aline once more.
Your mom is back.
Yes, your mom.
Who had the most listened to episode?
So I figured you guys want to hear more of her quote-unquote wisdom.
Aline, we briefly gussed before we started the podcast.
You were raving about one guy last time.
Apparently he was called Farm Boy and he's been eliminated.
(00:25):
Yeah, sad.
How come?
Wait, what was so good about him last time?
He was extremely considerate.
But you know the guys with a perfect how they treat women really well?
They are like, if you sneeze, they're like, here's 19 things.
I got at the pharmacy.
If you're like, oh my god, my bag is heavy.
(00:45):
They're like, wait, and I'm already carrying it.
Like every single point, he was considerate, considerate, considerate, considerate.
Also hot, also tall.
So like the considerate comes first and then it's rare that you get a hot, tall and considerate.
Can it be too much of that?
Oh, I'm already carrying your purse and here's all the medicine.
If it's done in like a simp way, then yeah, but he wasn't doing it in a simp way.
(01:10):
He was doing it in like a genuinely considerate way like, oh, I grabbed this for you on the way home
or oh, you lost your voice, rest.
He did it in like a sexy manly way, like rest.
You're not allowed to use your voice or getting sick.
Like I don't want you to get sick.
Not in the way that's like, oh my god, you're getting sick.
Yeah.
So it's manly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a very good distinction.
(01:31):
There's definitely a wrong way and a right way to do those things.
No, it was done like manly.
Like he's like, I'm out anyways.
He's like, why would you carry that?
I'll carry that.
I like that stuff.
So my dear listener, do you hear he was tall, handsome and pretty much perfect
and yet he's been eliminated so you can all give up now.
So, so what happened?
(01:53):
Um, well, I, as I discussed in the last episode, I'm like somewhat financially successful
and I was kind of thinking like maybe I can be the rich old white man
and I can do that in the relationship and I can date someone who's a good person
and not worry about finances, their finances.
But I realized for me, like the guy paying for stuff and being able to afford
(02:18):
a similar lifestyle to me is really important.
I don't need someone who has more than me, but I do feel a bit weird
if someone is like exponentially in a much earlier financial stage.
He's not like a little earlier.
He's like, he's also from South Africa and he's from like the normal average income here,
(02:38):
which is quite low.
And so I really did try to not care.
Like we did date for maybe six weeks or two months frequently, like multiple times a week
and long conversations, day trips, but ultimately I was like,
I can't be with someone I think who has just such a different lifestyle for me.
I was going to say very different lifestyle.
(02:59):
And he was so sad because he was like, well, if the roles were reversed,
I would, I would do this stuff for you.
And I was like, I know, but you're the guy.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah, you were.
And I wish I could be like that for you.
And also I have built two men before essentially.
So one of my friends was like, why don't you just build him?
Like you can make him have money.
I've done it twice.
(03:21):
And I saw so extreme.
Why don't you just build him?
And I was like, this isn't build a bear.
Okay.
But I've done it twice and it was fine when I was younger.
Like I can grow with someone and build together, but I'm 35 now and I've done it twice.
And I'm just like, I kind of want someone pre built, but maybe not.
Maybe I'll give up in a few years and be like, whatever, I'm good at building.
I'll do it again.
Who knows?
How would you build a guy?
(03:43):
So I think one of my talents that I didn't realize is that I can like really spot someone
who's going to be successful before they're successful.
Am I going to be successful?
I think you're going to be happy.
What the hell?
What does that mean?
I think you're going to have a nice lifestyle happiness balance.
I don't think you're going to be like.
Gigaballer.
(04:03):
No, I think that's fine because I'm so lazy.
I don't think it's because you're lazy.
I think it's better to be.
I think that's something I don't want now is someone who's going to be.
I got the ultra successful guys twice and I wasn't happy.
So I think you're going to have, you have a great balance of like, you're taking care
of your health, you're taking care of your partner, you have friends.
Like I think that's the actual ultimate wealth.
(04:25):
Unfortunately, I do need somebody who can like go on the same flights as me and has a,
you know, maybe passport with similar strength and like maybe knows about the same restaurants
I know about.
And you know what I mean?
Like just to have stuff in common background wise, maybe it's not as big a deal as I
think, but.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
So back to build a bear.
(04:47):
Build a bear.
How would you build them?
You have a talent to spot someone who is like ambitious and hasn't realized their full
potential yet.
I think a lot of women do that.
They're like, I see the potential and then they, and I did that twice and I was happy
about it and it went well, but I'm now like, maybe I'm a bit jaded now or I'm like, I don't
(05:07):
want to build you.
And then we end up not being together and I end up not being happy with you.
Like, like now we're in our mid 30s.
So in your 20s, you're like, of course you didn't build yourself.
You're 25.
And now I'm like, I'm 35.
Like if I built myself and I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to be doing this.
You are.
So if I figured out how to build myself and how to have like time, location, freedom,
why can't you, you know, like, why should I be with someone who hasn't figured out at
(05:32):
least what I've, because also for a man, I want to like respect them and I want to look
up to them and I want to be like, wow, he's so smart.
He's so cool.
And if I feel like I'm more, more, it's not like sexy.
Yeah.
And a guy doesn't want to feel that way.
Okay.
It's horrible.
It's even.
Yeah.
My girlfriend tells me quite often like, I look up to you for this or I respect this
(05:54):
or she noticed some new trait and she praises it and I'm like, oh, it's so good.
That's all you need as a guy, right?
You want to be cool.
It's not the best words, but you know, you want to be, yeah, a guy that your girl looks
up to and respects.
That makes me feel better because I was like, maybe I'm just shallow.
Maybe I should, because part of me, that's why I dated farm boys.
(06:14):
I was like, you know, what really matters is someone who cares for you and is there
for you, like at the end of the day.
But I was like, for like a long-term life partner, I also need, also I think some chemistry
comes from me looking up to them.
Like it's sexy.
Like I'm like turned on by being like, look at this powerful, not necessarily, like,
necessarily powerful because also my exes were powerful, but I wasn't turned on to be
(06:36):
clear, but like that I respect them, that I'm like, and the balances, they also need
to take care of me.
So farm boy had half the equation.
He'd had the like respect that I was really liked that, but it was missing like the, like,
oh my God, I could learn from him something, you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
No, to me, it makes perfect sense.
So farm boy is dismissed.
(06:57):
I'm thinking if any one of my readers is successful and wait, what's the other health?
Health.
A half, half.
Oh, like ambitious.
It's not even success.
Like it's like having some ambition and then also like emotional intelligence where you
care for your partner and you're caring to them.
Like that's manly, like dad, you know, when someone's like dad, like they take care of
(07:20):
the kids, they take care of the way.
Yeah, exactly.
But not just ambitious, right?
You're at the stage now where ambition is not enough, it needs to already be realized.
Ideally like somewhat realized.
Like I don't want to feel bad if I order two dishes instead of one at like a restaurant
because I feel bad that it's expensive for you.
Man, I have some clients like that.
I'm thinking of them.
(07:41):
Yeah.
If they're listening, they can slide their Aline's DS.
I always order two dishes in case I don't like one.
So yeah, I don't want to feel bad.
Yeah.
If the food doesn't get eaten, you get a doggy box, do a homeless.
More I give it to my big man who needs so much food for his.
Yeah.
But your big man was probably smart enough to know how much food he needs and wants
(08:03):
and he already ordered it.
He's smart enough to know that I'm not going to finish my two dishes.
Yes.
But that's the point that I was trying to make.
Then he puts in a doggy bag or you call it a doggy bag in the state.
And then he gives it to a homeless and then he gets even more points.
Maybe.
I'm not into like, I don't know about that.
Okay.
You're not into helping the lesser fortunate.
(08:25):
No, no.
I'm like, I'm honestly really scared of homeless people sometimes.
That's why I don't want to interact closely.
Okay.
Maybe rightfully so because there's a lot of them here in South Africa and I give them
quite a lot of food and recently something happened for the first time.
I was shocked.
I come out of the restaurant.
We have the doggy bag.
There was so much food in it from a group of six, all their leftovers.
(08:49):
We give it to one guy and another homeless close to us saw it and he started stamping
on the floor, shouting, cause the whole scene.
Everyone in the vicinity was watching like, what the hell is happening there?
And I told them, like, can you guys not share it?
But the first guy was a bit of a douche.
He didn't want to share it.
This is why I say away because it's unpredictable behavior and I don't want to be close to it.
(09:12):
And as a woman, especially like I've had enough times where like I try to be nice to somebody
and like they do have often like really bad mental health issues.
So it's like, especially for your girl, they might say something to you and appropriate
or like even like, you know, it's unpredictable.
Yeah, you can actually see that.
But I do care about helping people for the record.
Yeah, I know you do.
You were talking about build a bear.
(09:33):
That's also what you do for your job pretty much, right?
I love doing it for my job because then I'm fairly compensated, but that is what I love
doing.
Like I love, yeah, that's like right now we're at one of my retreats and it's usually women
who come and they're usually women who are like entrepreneurial or digital nomads.
And I love like, this is how you invest.
This is how you make money.
Like I love it and I love like making people I like richer because then they have more
(09:59):
money to hang out with me and come on trips with me and they.
So it's one selfish plot.
100%.
I never said I'm Mother Teresa.
Okay.
That's the truth.
Like I was like getting successful when I was younger and I was so lonely and I was like,
I have so much free time and everybody wants to hang out after work and after work I'm kind
of bored by then and tired.
I want to hang out in the daytime and everybody has jobs.
(10:21):
So then I tried to like teach people how to be, you know, work online or create their
own businesses or invest more efficiently so they don't have to work.
And then it makes extra much sense that your guy needs have some sort of realized potential
because you don't want your relationship to be part of your work.
Yeah.
Like even this other one, I felt like I would be his mentor.
Like I would turn into girlfriend slash mentor and I'm just like, I can't.
(10:44):
It's not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is like my work.
I'm tired after work.
I don't want to, I want to sit and act like I want to watch a dumb movie and I want to
act like a little dumb and I want to like be like, I'm hungry.
Find me food.
Make me tea like in a cute way.
Not like in a.
Yeah.
I know exactly what that sounds like.
Yeah.
I want to be girly.
Like I don't want to have to be smart.
(11:05):
I'm already smart at work.
I want to come home.
I'm just a girl.
I'm just a girl.
My girlfriend and I watched night.
I think it's called night and day yesterday with Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise.
Oh, how was it?
That's one of these moments for these.
One of these movies for the moment that you just described.
2008 or something.
Tons of unrealistic action and romance and you watch it and you drink tea and you eat
(11:28):
it.
Was it good?
It was amazing.
I'm going to watch it.
I wrote it down.
They don't make him like this no more.
They really don't.
The 90s movies and 2000s were the best.
Okay.
I'm going to watch Farm Boy out.
Whoever is next.
I only have one person currently in, which is, I hope he doesn't listen to this.
I'll call him Oxford.
Oxford boy.
(11:48):
He was kind of the opposite of Farm Boy.
Oxford boy went to Oxford as you might imagine.
Yeah, he sounds preppy.
He went to Oxford undergrad graduate.
If anyone is listening to this and knows him, don't tell him about this podcast.
He's Eastern European and lives in London and flew here for our fourth date.
See, this is a lifestyle you want.
(12:10):
Yeah, it is.
That happens.
I mean, I'm not saying this in a bragging way, but I kind of expect that.
I expect you to fly for our third or fourth day or second day.
I have clients who do it for our first date, which I'm not very happy about.
I've had people do that as well for our first date and that's fine.
I'm not against it at any stage as long as there's not insane expectations.
(12:31):
I manage expectations.
I was like, listen, I'm not sleeping with you.
This isn't that.
You can come here and I might change my mind by the time you get here.
You can't expect anything.
I might see you for 10 minutes and then you flew out of here for nothing and that's your
problem, not mine.
I don't want crazy.
He was like, you're right.
No expectations.
It won't be fun for you.
If you choose to come all the way here from London to Cape Town, then that's your choice.
(12:53):
That went interesting.
He's young.
I was like, this isn't going to work.
You're not emotionally.
You're quite considerably younger.
Considerably.
But I did date someone his age last year for a month and he felt and acted like 40.
So that's why I gave this person a chance.
Then this one I broke up with twice also and he was like stayed around and I was like,
(13:18):
okay, well, I'm trying to date zero people unless I'm really into them right now.
So he's the only one left after the great-
To break up sin and he's still going.
He's still going.
It could be a good sign.
My girlfriend dumped me multiple times.
Love that.
I keep joking about it.
I remember when you dumped me the second time or the third time, I'm not sure if it was
(13:40):
really dumping, but I remember the very first time she was thinking, okay, this guy is not
taking it as seriously as me, which was probably right because I was just living the Louis
Farfields life.
It was good.
And we were on the phone and then we talked.
She texted me something.
I think she texted me like, hey, I think I've seen enough.
(14:02):
I'm done.
Something, it was something like I'm done.
Boom.
I was like, what the fuck?
And then we, I called her up and we talked for about an hour and everything seemed settled.
And then 10 minutes after the phone call, she must have thought about it more and she
was like, nope, back to the first ID.
And then we met up in real life and I showed her, you know, that I was sincerely into her
too and things were fine.
(14:23):
Then it kind of went to a next level.
And then I guess that happened multiple times where I think this is like a girl thing that
none of us girls talk about.
We're like a lot of times when I, not every time, but a lot of times when I break up with
someone or end things, it is not like real.
It is real, but it's like, it's an, it's an opportunity.
It's an opportunity.
(14:43):
How do you react?
And what are your counter arguments and what do you, I think you're a hundred percent right.
And I only learned this now, which is kind of embarrassing being, I think I've been in
the business for just over 10 years now and I only learned it this year in this relationship.
To me, it always felt like it's final and she's dumping me.
And then later when I use it again, so hey, you've dumped me so many times, blah, blah,
(15:05):
she once brought it up.
She's like, you know that I wasn't really dumping you.
It's sort of like a test.
It is a test.
It's a hundred percent a test.
How in is he and how is he going to react?
How does he see this?
But I thought I was really being dumped.
It was pretty traumatizing.
I mean, it is not always because of course some breakups are real, but a lot of them
(15:25):
are tests.
Some viewers now are confused.
They're going to get dumped and are like, yeah, I'm not buying into this silly test
of yours woman.
No, but they should buy it.
Even if they know it's a test, like just because you know it's a test doesn't mean
you don't have to pass it.
She's ringing the alarm bell.
Yeah.
Kind of the fake breakup is like an alarm.
(15:47):
Well, we want to see your reaction like, are you emotionally mature when this happens?
How do you talk to me about it?
Do you just give up?
Because women, for example, like subconsciously are, even if we don't want kids, I don't necessarily
want kids.
I might.
We're checking to see how you react in every situation because if you do have a kid with
someone, you want someone who's not going to leave you for every little thing.
(16:09):
So if I push you away, I'm not saying it's healthy to do this constantly, but in the
dating phase, like this is the phase to test.
Like if I do this, what do you do?
If I say like, hey, I don't think we're a good match.
Are you just like, oh yeah, you're right.
Bye.
I'm going to go date Sarah now.
Like, okay.
Who's younger?
Who's younger or who cares about that?
(16:29):
But any other person, it's like, okay, so you weren't that into me.
So I'm glad we have established this early on.
Yeah, good that you tested.
And good that you pointed out that it has to be done in the dating phase and not in the
relationship because that gets really tiring.
No, no, no.
Once you're like in a healthy, trust is built relationship, like this type of thing is going
(16:51):
to go way down.
There will be little things, you know, in the famous dating people, the couple that wrote
the dating books, it's like bids for attention.
So that's normal.
Like, oh, look at the stars.
Aren't they nice?
Like, and then you go, yeah, they're nice as opposed to being like, I'm busy on my phone.
I'm checking the Forex trading today.
You know?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter, but like not like a big test, like I'm breaking up with you like three
(17:14):
years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And no, also those things happened in the dating phase, exactly.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I only learned it this year.
I think a lot of us like, and maybe this isn't healthy.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just normal.
Like, it's kind of like we're waiting for someone to like prove themselves to us.
(17:35):
It's kind of like in the night's movies, we want the guy who wins.
We want the guy who like kills the dragon, our dragon, whatever that is, the proverbial
dragon.
So especially when, you know, you referred to me as like, you know, like one of the,
I would say like in terms of education and like one of the women that's like more selective.
(17:57):
When I talk to my other friends that are similar, it's like when you can provide so much for
yourself, you know, you expect a lot more from your partner.
And so it's, it's like we want you as a guy to prove to us that like you are super confident,
like you are super self assured, like that you're not just going to fold.
Like we're also smart.
(18:18):
So we can like, we're not, you're not just, you're going to see through our little gains.
You know what I mean?
We want, we want to be like put in our place kind of, you know, and we want someone who
can put us in our place.
And I mean that in like a non-toxic way.
Yeah.
Don't cancel.
I know exactly what you mean.
Yeah.
I feel better at this year too, because I didn't really need to do it when I was single.
(18:39):
Yeah.
Because who cares if there's all sort of red flags and unhealthy lifestyle.
I don't really care.
We'll go on a day once per week and we'll have sex.
Yeah.
But when it's your partner and then I noticed things that I'm like, ah, that should change.
Then at some point you have to be like, no.
Yeah.
Change.
Stop.
And you guys can see it, but Aline starts smiling.
(19:00):
She's like, yes.
I love that.
And yeah, I think it was really good.
It's a, I hope my girlfriend doesn't mind, but I saw some things that maybe she wasn't
super evolved in yet and call them out.
And then she reacted so perfectly where she just worked on them.
And the other way around as well, you know, it's like what do you call it?
(19:21):
Symbiosis.
Yeah.
Symbiotic relationship.
Symbiotic relationship.
Yeah.
Now a very good point.
I think now that I think back a bit, maybe you do it or I did it sometimes when I'm single,
but then it's easy because that person is not close to you, so you can't get hurt.
But as soon as someone's really your partner, then it's way scarier, especially at the start
to be making moves like that.
(19:43):
Well, and it has to come from like this.
You have to be the right person.
You can't fake this.
You know, you can't fake like knowing like how to nicely put someone in their place.
You know, you can't fake like daddy energy.
You have to be daddy energy.
Yeah.
You can learn it.
Oh, you, everyone has to learn it.
(20:04):
No one's like born daddy.
You know, you have to learn and be like, oh, this is the best way or, you know, the girl's
going to be like the Oxford person.
I'm, I'm, I'm kind of somehow still seeing like when I would freak out because I'm a
girl, I will freak out sometimes.
He's like, I just, he's like, I know that when you're freaking out, I just wait and
(20:27):
it'll stop.
Like girls just like have their moments sometimes like, you know, I just know like it's not going
to affect me.
It's not, you're not going to throw off my emotional state.
And like, I love that because something as a girl that I don't like about myself is I
don't like that I have these emotional swings.
I don't like it about myself.
I already feel bad about it.
And if I have a guy who's like, you're so emotional, why can't you just be like that
(20:50):
hurts?
I'm already like, I already hate myself.
Stop it.
But if I have a guy who's like, oh my God, I literally don't care.
Nothing you do will throw me off.
I literally am just waiting over here until you calm down.
Do you need some chocolate?
I'm putting on a movie.
Bye bye.
I'm hugging you until you stop, you know, whatever.
That's like kind of what I like, you know, I think most girls, what do you think?
(21:10):
Yeah, probably all girls.
There's a really good book for guys listening.
It's by David Dyer and it's called The Way of the Superior Man.
And I haven't touched that book in a long time.
I should probably read it again, but what I remember of it is that sometimes the girl
is going to be pretty much a storm of emotions and pretty much what you described.
(21:32):
And he was saying, as a guy, you just stand there and weirder the storm, but you don't
let it throw you off balance.
And that's pretty much all.
And we love that.
And then we're like, wow.
And then once we're out, we're like, oh, sorry.
Sorry, I was crazy.
Yeah.
I also remember that in that book, there was something he said, whereas if your girl makes
a big scene about you not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, and she's like, well,
(21:53):
you know, put the cap on the toothpaste.
It's not about the cap on the toothpaste.
It's just that you're probably not picking up on little details somewhere else in relationship.
But it's like an overarching theme of you falling short somewhere.
But rather than pointing that out, she'll point out that stupid toothpaste thing.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good, yeah.
It's like she's irritated by something else.
(22:13):
I mean, would I do that?
Yeah.
And it's, I would do it probably.
I just get kind of like cold.
And that's why I like emotionally intelligent guys, because I want them to know that like,
and of course I try to communicate, but no one's perfect.
So sometimes I'll just not feel ready to like directly talk to someone about something.
So I'll just kind of get colder and more annoyed and irritated.
(22:34):
And I like when they ask me, hey, I see you're being cold.
And I tell them like, sometimes I'm going to be like this.
I'm sorry.
I can't, I'm not always good at expressing my feelings.
So feel free to directly ask me.
And then I will tell you.
And sometimes I will just kind of be like grumpy or, and I need you to be like, hey,
you're being grumpy.
Like, are you mad at me about something?
(22:55):
And, and I love like, this is something new I've never had before since this year.
Like I've met guys that are like, you can literally tell me, like you can tell me like,
you're too poor or you're too ugly or you're whatever.
And they're like, and I will not react.
They're like, you can tell me anything you want and I won't react.
(23:17):
And that was like insane to me because people I've dated before, I would always hide what
I really thought because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
And like, I didn't want to say something mean about them and have them hold it against
me forever, shatter their self-esteem.
And I dated this guy last year that literally like taught me this whole concept.
And now I'm like, I will only accept men who let me like express my feelings, obviously
(23:38):
not intentionally being mean.
But like if I have a genuine concern, I can say it and it's like such a game changer and
it like leads to such healthy, open conversations and I do the same.
I'm like, if you want to tell me something like you can tell me and I'll try not to be
hurt.
And I'm like, here's categories that might hurt me.
And if it's in those categories, maybe I am not ready to hear it.
(23:58):
But otherwise you can tell me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's amazing.
I think again, to turn it into a more practical tip for guys listening, if your girl tells
you whatever it is, even if it's something very emotional or something very tough for
you to hear and you can just stay calm and communicate through it in a calm way.
(24:19):
And be like a safe space.
Yeah.
Like if I said, I mean, this money one has come up multiple times.
So like if I say to you like, I loved, I really enjoyed dating you like, but I want to tell
you something, I don't want to hurt you.
Then you go like, listen, like that's manly, like listen, you can tell me anything.
Anything you say is going to like make me run away.
(24:41):
And if I'm hurt, that's my responsibility and I can handle it.
But I want to hear what you're thinking.
Like that's manly.
Like that's what they can do.
And like, then if I go to you like, hey, like, you know, what you're making right now, like
I feel like bad asking for things at dinner.
I feel like we're not going to be able to afford the same trips.
Like even if you don't end up together, like it's, I don't know, you just feel so involved
(25:03):
when you can like both talk.
And then I think it helps the guy to understand too, instead of me just disappearing and ghosting,
he kind of gets it.
He's like, okay, well, I either need to work on that or I need to date someone else who
that's not an issue for, you know, yeah.
100% agree.
One thing I want to delve in a little bit deeper is you said that you really like it.
So for example, you go just cold or non-communitive when something's bothering you.
(25:28):
And then when the guy says, Hey, Aline, you seem a bit cold.
What's up?
Tell me.
I've talked about this, especially recently with different people and I feel like many
of us had the same experience.
But I've really experienced with my girlfriend is I noticed some things off and then I'm
like, what's up?
And she's not sharing.
(25:48):
And then I really have to be like, I just have to dig for an hour, ask all sorts of
extra questions, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig.
And suddenly it comes out and all every time I'm like, why, why could you not just tell
me, you know, why do I have to dig for an hour?
And I think that's just a very general thing that women do.
Yeah.
And I used to be the same way where people have to dig, but that's because I was so women
(26:11):
are really conditioned to be afraid of hurting people and hurting people's feelings.
Like it's a huge no, no.
And so we, we also don't want to hurt your feelings.
And it's uncomfortable to say it's an uncomfortable car.
We don't want to say something negative about you, you know?
So I think that's something that will make your girlfriends happier too eventually is
if you can say like, Hey, I noticed this is what happens.
(26:34):
I totally understand why, but I want you to know like if you can feel safe with me, you
can say what bothers you quicker and prove it to her by not reacting, by not getting
this look on your face when she's like, you did this and I am listening to her.
Like you have to build like, get her trust that she can say that stuff to you earlier.
Because when she's hemming and hawing, she's like testing, is it actually safe for me to
(26:58):
say this?
Like, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very, very good point.
She has to learn over time, okay, it is safe.
And then she can spill whatever is on our minds faster and faster and faster.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good point.
I want to, something nice to finish the podcast with.
Great.
You listen, Aline, you listen to one other podcast and it was the one with Brian.
(27:21):
There's actually two with Brian.
You didn't listen to the one with Brian that I'm referring to right now, but there is.
So there's the other one.
Date was going to happen between Brian and the girl.
Suddenly she asks a few extra questions.
We nailed the answer.
She's happy.
She referred to herself as feminine.
We said wear something feminine and she was like, I wear whatever I want to buy.
I told that to you and I was like, yeah, that's just because she's high up in some corporate
(27:44):
job, very manly environment.
So she's not as cold, go get her business women.
And you were like, oh no, I would have buy it too.
Yeah.
I would have liked that.
And I'm pretty feminine, I think is what people have told me and I'm not super corporate
energy.
I just would feel like there's a, I would feel like the guy is either trying to be something
(28:04):
he's not.
Like he's like, oh, I need to tell her what to wear.
That's like a cool thing to do, which is a sign to me that he's not actually like a
strong, confident man.
He's like playing this role of strong, confident man, like strong, confident man tells women
what to wear.
And like also I'm like, I'm so, if you saw my dating profile, it's like, great.
Like I look great.
(28:24):
Okay.
I'm not, you don't need to tell me, it just feels like I'm a child to you and I don't want
like a boyfriend, child relationship, which maybe some girls want and some men want.
Some men do kind of want that dynamic.
Yeah.
You said they can wear, they can tell you stuff like that or help you pick up it's later
in relationship.
I would love that later.
But you said earlier, hey, I'm not dumb, you think I'm going to show up in sweatpants?
(28:48):
Yeah.
Like, like literally, yeah, like wear something nice on a first date.
Like what do you think?
What do you think I'm going to do?
You think I'm going to like, I think I'm an idiot?
Like I'm going to show up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is what I wanted to point it out.
I think our general consensus was guys don't tell girls what to wear for a first date.
No.
Let them just show up however they please.
(29:08):
But it was interesting because as you said earlier, I am right now.
Hey, guys, we're not on the floor.
I'm on a big comfy luxurious couch and a lean in her bed, but not the same feel I recorded
last time on the floor.
This is a massive fucking penthouse.
I think if anybody ever tells me to wear something nice, which they probably won't because I
don't think I'm going to use dating apps again.
(29:29):
I deleted all my apps by the way a few months ago.
I'll just say like, I'll wear whatever you send to my house.
Here's my address and then they can buy me a dress and then I'm very happy for them
to tell me what to wear.
Okay.
So guys, they can just wait and see what they get.
Respectable, I guess.
Y'all.
Hey, I finished my little story about your nice villa because it's going somewhere.
(29:50):
Oh, sorry.
I got distracted.
I was speaking about it and I was getting angry or an angry about somebody telling me
what to wear.
No, I just wanted to point out we're on the floor anymore because now we're in a big villa
because you're hosting a retreat and there's all the success of women here and we quickly
asked them, Hey, what would you do in this situation with the dress?
Someone also said, I really wouldn't be happy about hearing that.
(30:11):
One said, I would let it slide and one said, I wouldn't like it, but I would probably give
them the benefit of the doubt and see what you like on a date.
So one would let it slide.
One wouldn't like it, but benefit of the doubt and two would also run away, including you.
But nobody out of the four women liked it.
Exactly.
That's why we're saying it now, guys.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Sample size four.
(30:31):
I think that's four.
That is.
But four great ones.
Four unbelievably gorgeous women inside and out at Aline's retreat for all the ladies
listening to my podcast, which is literally zero besides your audience, sign up to her
treats, but they're already there.
Okay, Aline, thank you for this beautiful talk.
I think I like this one more than the last one.
(30:53):
Wow, really?
Yeah.
Which is not a diss to you because the last one had your whole origin story.
But there was a deeper.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm being selfish now because it's solidified some thoughts that I only had in the last
year, but so it was very helpful for me too.
Thank you.
No, I enjoyed it as well.
I also think sometimes when we talk through things, we realize what we like and what we
(31:16):
don't like as well.
Yeah.
So, again, you're being selfish and you're using this podcast to figure out what you
need.
Of course.
Yeah.
Everything I do is self-serving.
Perfect.
That's good.
Yeah, okay.
Never mind.
Enough of the bullshit.
Thank you so much.
We do a high five from far away.
Whoo.
Welcome to another What Your Dad Didn't Teach You.
(00:02):
I am joined by Aline once more.
Your mom is back.
Yes, your mom.
Who had the most listened to episode?
So I figured you guys want to hear more of her quote-unquote wisdom.
Aline, we briefly gussed before we started the podcast.
You were raving about one guy last time.
Apparently he was called Farm Boy and he's been eliminated.
(00:25):
Yeah, sad.
How come?
Wait, what was so good about him last time?
He was extremely considerate.
But you know the guys with a perfect how they treat women really well?
They are like, if you sneeze, they're like, here's 19 things.
I got at the pharmacy.
If you're like, oh my god, my bag is heavy.
(00:45):
They're like, wait, and I'm already carrying it.
Like every single point, he was considerate, considerate, considerate, considerate.
Also hot, also tall.
So like the considerate comes first and then it's rare that you get a hot, tall and considerate.
Can it be too much of that?
Oh, I'm already carrying your purse and here's all the medicine.
If it's done in like a simp way, then yeah, but he wasn't doing it in a simp way.
(01:10):
He was doing it in like a genuinely considerate way like, oh, I grabbed this for you on the way home
or oh, you lost your voice, rest.
He did it in like a sexy manly way, like rest.
You're not allowed to use your voice or getting sick.
Like I don't want you to get sick.
Not in the way that's like, oh my god, you're getting sick.
Yeah.
So it's manly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a very good distinction.
(01:31):
There's definitely a wrong way and a right way to do those things.
No, it was done like manly.
Like he's like, I'm out anyways.
He's like, why would you carry that?
I'll carry that.
I like that stuff.
So my dear listener, do you hear he was tall, handsome and pretty much perfect
and yet he's been eliminated so you can all give up now.
So, so what happened?
(01:53):
Um, well, I, as I discussed in the last episode, I'm like somewhat financially successful
and I was kind of thinking like maybe I can be the rich old white man
and I can do that in the relationship and I can date someone who's a good person
and not worry about finances, their finances.
But I realized for me, like the guy paying for stuff and being able to afford
(02:18):
a similar lifestyle to me is really important.
I don't need someone who has more than me, but I do feel a bit weird
if someone is like exponentially in a much earlier financial stage.
He's not like a little earlier.
He's like, he's also from South Africa and he's from like the normal average income here,
(02:38):
which is quite low.
And so I really did try to not care.
Like we did date for maybe six weeks or two months frequently, like multiple times a week
and long conversations, day trips, but ultimately I was like,
I can't be with someone I think who has just such a different lifestyle for me.
I was going to say very different lifestyle.
(02:59):
And he was so sad because he was like, well, if the roles were reversed,
I would, I would do this stuff for you.
And I was like, I know, but you're the guy.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah, you were.
And I wish I could be like that for you.
And also I have built two men before essentially.
So one of my friends was like, why don't you just build him?
Like you can make him have money.
I've done it twice.
(03:21):
And I saw so extreme.
Why don't you just build him?
And I was like, this isn't build a bear.
Okay.
But I've done it twice and it was fine when I was younger.
Like I can grow with someone and build together, but I'm 35 now and I've done it twice.
And I'm just like, I kind of want someone pre built, but maybe not.
Maybe I'll give up in a few years and be like, whatever, I'm good at building.
I'll do it again.
Who knows?
How would you build a guy?
(03:43):
So I think one of my talents that I didn't realize is that I can like really spot someone
who's going to be successful before they're successful.
Am I going to be successful?
I think you're going to be happy.
What the hell?
What does that mean?
I think you're going to have a nice lifestyle happiness balance.
I don't think you're going to be like.
Gigaballer.
(04:03):
No, I think that's fine because I'm so lazy.
I don't think it's because you're lazy.
I think it's better to be.
I think that's something I don't want now is someone who's going to be.
I got the ultra successful guys twice and I wasn't happy.
So I think you're going to have, you have a great balance of like, you're taking care
of your health, you're taking care of your partner, you have friends.
Like I think that's the actual ultimate wealth.
(04:25):
Unfortunately, I do need somebody who can like go on the same flights as me and has a,
you know, maybe passport with similar strength and like maybe knows about the same restaurants
I know about.
And you know what I mean?
Like just to have stuff in common background wise, maybe it's not as big a deal as I
think, but.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
So back to build a bear.
(04:47):
Build a bear.
How would you build them?
You have a talent to spot someone who is like ambitious and hasn't realized their full
potential yet.
I think a lot of women do that.
They're like, I see the potential and then they, and I did that twice and I was happy
about it and it went well, but I'm now like, maybe I'm a bit jaded now or I'm like, I don't
(05:07):
want to build you.
And then we end up not being together and I end up not being happy with you.
Like, like now we're in our mid 30s.
So in your 20s, you're like, of course you didn't build yourself.
You're 25.
And now I'm like, I'm 35.
Like if I built myself and I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to be doing this.
You are.
So if I figured out how to build myself and how to have like time, location, freedom,
why can't you, you know, like, why should I be with someone who hasn't figured out at
(05:32):
least what I've, because also for a man, I want to like respect them and I want to look
up to them and I want to be like, wow, he's so smart.
He's so cool.
And if I feel like I'm more, more, it's not like sexy.
Yeah.
And a guy doesn't want to feel that way.
Okay.
It's horrible.
It's even.
Yeah.
My girlfriend tells me quite often like, I look up to you for this or I respect this
(05:54):
or she noticed some new trait and she praises it and I'm like, oh, it's so good.
That's all you need as a guy, right?
You want to be cool.
It's not the best words, but you know, you want to be, yeah, a guy that your girl looks
up to and respects.
That makes me feel better because I was like, maybe I'm just shallow.
Maybe I should, because part of me, that's why I dated farm boys.
(06:14):
I was like, you know, what really matters is someone who cares for you and is there
for you, like at the end of the day.
But I was like, for like a long-term life partner, I also need, also I think some chemistry
comes from me looking up to them.
Like it's sexy.
Like I'm like turned on by being like, look at this powerful, not necessarily, like,
necessarily powerful because also my exes were powerful, but I wasn't turned on to be
(06:36):
clear, but like that I respect them, that I'm like, and the balances, they also need
to take care of me.
So farm boy had half the equation.
He'd had the like respect that I was really liked that, but it was missing like the, like,
oh my God, I could learn from him something, you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
No, to me, it makes perfect sense.
So farm boy is dismissed.
(06:57):
I'm thinking if any one of my readers is successful and wait, what's the other health?
Health.
A half, half.
Oh, like ambitious.
It's not even success.
Like it's like having some ambition and then also like emotional intelligence where you
care for your partner and you're caring to them.
Like that's manly, like dad, you know, when someone's like dad, like they take care of
(07:20):
the kids, they take care of the way.
Yeah, exactly.
But not just ambitious, right?
You're at the stage now where ambition is not enough, it needs to already be realized.
Ideally like somewhat realized.
Like I don't want to feel bad if I order two dishes instead of one at like a restaurant
because I feel bad that it's expensive for you.
Man, I have some clients like that.
I'm thinking of them.
(07:41):
Yeah.
If they're listening, they can slide their Aline's DS.
I always order two dishes in case I don't like one.
So yeah, I don't want to feel bad.
Yeah.
If the food doesn't get eaten, you get a doggy box, do a homeless.
More I give it to my big man who needs so much food for his.
Yeah.
But your big man was probably smart enough to know how much food he needs and wants
(08:03):
and he already ordered it.
He's smart enough to know that I'm not going to finish my two dishes.
Yes.
But that's the point that I was trying to make.
Then he puts in a doggy bag or you call it a doggy bag in the state.
And then he gives it to a homeless and then he gets even more points.
Maybe.
I'm not into like, I don't know about that.
Okay.
You're not into helping the lesser fortunate.
(08:25):
No, no.
I'm like, I'm honestly really scared of homeless people sometimes.
That's why I don't want to interact closely.
Okay.
Maybe rightfully so because there's a lot of them here in South Africa and I give them
quite a lot of food and recently something happened for the first time.
I was shocked.
I come out of the restaurant.
We have the doggy bag.
There was so much food in it from a group of six, all their leftovers.
(08:49):
We give it to one guy and another homeless close to us saw it and he started stamping
on the floor, shouting, cause the whole scene.
Everyone in the vicinity was watching like, what the hell is happening there?
And I told them, like, can you guys not share it?
But the first guy was a bit of a douche.
He didn't want to share it.
This is why I say away because it's unpredictable behavior and I don't want to be close to it.
(09:12):
And as a woman, especially like I've had enough times where like I try to be nice to somebody
and like they do have often like really bad mental health issues.
So it's like, especially for your girl, they might say something to you and appropriate
or like even like, you know, it's unpredictable.
Yeah, you can actually see that.
But I do care about helping people for the record.
Yeah, I know you do.
You were talking about build a bear.
(09:33):
That's also what you do for your job pretty much, right?
I love doing it for my job because then I'm fairly compensated, but that is what I love
doing.
Like I love, yeah, that's like right now we're at one of my retreats and it's usually women
who come and they're usually women who are like entrepreneurial or digital nomads.
And I love like, this is how you invest.
This is how you make money.
Like I love it and I love like making people I like richer because then they have more
(09:59):
money to hang out with me and come on trips with me and they.
So it's one selfish plot.
100%.
I never said I'm Mother Teresa.
Okay.
That's the truth.
Like I was like getting successful when I was younger and I was so lonely and I was like,
I have so much free time and everybody wants to hang out after work and after work I'm kind
of bored by then and tired.
I want to hang out in the daytime and everybody has jobs.
(10:21):
So then I tried to like teach people how to be, you know, work online or create their
own businesses or invest more efficiently so they don't have to work.
And then it makes extra much sense that your guy needs have some sort of realized potential
because you don't want your relationship to be part of your work.
Yeah.
Like even this other one, I felt like I would be his mentor.
Like I would turn into girlfriend slash mentor and I'm just like, I can't.
(10:44):
It's not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is like my work.
I'm tired after work.
I don't want to, I want to sit and act like I want to watch a dumb movie and I want to
act like a little dumb and I want to like be like, I'm hungry.
Find me food.
Make me tea like in a cute way.
Not like in a.
Yeah.
I know exactly what that sounds like.
Yeah.
I want to be girly.
Like I don't want to have to be smart.
(11:05):
I'm already smart at work.
I want to come home.
I'm just a girl.
I'm just a girl.
My girlfriend and I watched night.
I think it's called night and day yesterday with Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise.
Oh, how was it?
That's one of these moments for these.
One of these movies for the moment that you just described.
2008 or something.
Tons of unrealistic action and romance and you watch it and you drink tea and you eat
(11:28):
it.
Was it good?
It was amazing.
I'm going to watch it.
I wrote it down.
They don't make him like this no more.
They really don't.
The 90s movies and 2000s were the best.
Okay.
I'm going to watch Farm Boy out.
Whoever is next.
I only have one person currently in, which is, I hope he doesn't listen to this.
I'll call him Oxford.
Oxford boy.
(11:48):
He was kind of the opposite of Farm Boy.
Oxford boy went to Oxford as you might imagine.
Yeah, he sounds preppy.
He went to Oxford undergrad graduate.
If anyone is listening to this and knows him, don't tell him about this podcast.
He's Eastern European and lives in London and flew here for our fourth date.
See, this is a lifestyle you want.
(12:10):
Yeah, it is.
That happens.
I mean, I'm not saying this in a bragging way, but I kind of expect that.
I expect you to fly for our third or fourth day or second day.
I have clients who do it for our first date, which I'm not very happy about.
I've had people do that as well for our first date and that's fine.
I'm not against it at any stage as long as there's not insane expectations.
(12:31):
I manage expectations.
I was like, listen, I'm not sleeping with you.
This isn't that.
You can come here and I might change my mind by the time you get here.
You can't expect anything.
I might see you for 10 minutes and then you flew out of here for nothing and that's your
problem, not mine.
I don't want crazy.
He was like, you're right.
No expectations.
It won't be fun for you.
If you choose to come all the way here from London to Cape Town, then that's your choice.
(12:53):
That went interesting.
He's young.
I was like, this isn't going to work.
You're not emotionally.
You're quite considerably younger.
Considerably.
But I did date someone his age last year for a month and he felt and acted like 40.
So that's why I gave this person a chance.
Then this one I broke up with twice also and he was like stayed around and I was like,
(13:18):
okay, well, I'm trying to date zero people unless I'm really into them right now.
So he's the only one left after the great-
To break up sin and he's still going.
He's still going.
It could be a good sign.
My girlfriend dumped me multiple times.
Love that.
I keep joking about it.
I remember when you dumped me the second time or the third time, I'm not sure if it was
(13:40):
really dumping, but I remember the very first time she was thinking, okay, this guy is not
taking it as seriously as me, which was probably right because I was just living the Louis
Farfields life.
It was good.
And we were on the phone and then we talked.
She texted me something.
I think she texted me like, hey, I think I've seen enough.
(14:02):
I'm done.
Something, it was something like I'm done.
Boom.
I was like, what the fuck?
And then we, I called her up and we talked for about an hour and everything seemed settled.
And then 10 minutes after the phone call, she must have thought about it more and she
was like, nope, back to the first ID.
And then we met up in real life and I showed her, you know, that I was sincerely into her
too and things were fine.
(14:23):
Then it kind of went to a next level.
And then I guess that happened multiple times where I think this is like a girl thing that
none of us girls talk about.
We're like a lot of times when I, not every time, but a lot of times when I break up with
someone or end things, it is not like real.
It is real, but it's like, it's an, it's an opportunity.
It's an opportunity.
(14:43):
How do you react?
And what are your counter arguments and what do you, I think you're a hundred percent right.
And I only learned this now, which is kind of embarrassing being, I think I've been in
the business for just over 10 years now and I only learned it this year in this relationship.
To me, it always felt like it's final and she's dumping me.
And then later when I use it again, so hey, you've dumped me so many times, blah, blah,
(15:05):
she once brought it up.
She's like, you know that I wasn't really dumping you.
It's sort of like a test.
It is a test.
It's a hundred percent a test.
How in is he and how is he going to react?
How does he see this?
But I thought I was really being dumped.
It was pretty traumatizing.
I mean, it is not always because of course some breakups are real, but a lot of them
(15:25):
are tests.
Some viewers now are confused.
They're going to get dumped and are like, yeah, I'm not buying into this silly test
of yours woman.
No, but they should buy it.
Even if they know it's a test, like just because you know it's a test doesn't mean
you don't have to pass it.
She's ringing the alarm bell.
Yeah.
Kind of the fake breakup is like an alarm.
(15:47):
Well, we want to see your reaction like, are you emotionally mature when this happens?
How do you talk to me about it?
Do you just give up?
Because women, for example, like subconsciously are, even if we don't want kids, I don't necessarily
want kids.
I might.
We're checking to see how you react in every situation because if you do have a kid with
someone, you want someone who's not going to leave you for every little thing.
(16:09):
So if I push you away, I'm not saying it's healthy to do this constantly, but in the
dating phase, like this is the phase to test.
Like if I do this, what do you do?
If I say like, hey, I don't think we're a good match.
Are you just like, oh yeah, you're right.
Bye.
I'm going to go date Sarah now.
Like, okay.
Who's younger?
Who's younger or who cares about that?
(16:29):
But any other person, it's like, okay, so you weren't that into me.
So I'm glad we have established this early on.
Yeah, good that you tested.
And good that you pointed out that it has to be done in the dating phase and not in the
relationship because that gets really tiring.
No, no, no.
Once you're like in a healthy, trust is built relationship, like this type of thing is going
(16:51):
to go way down.
There will be little things, you know, in the famous dating people, the couple that wrote
the dating books, it's like bids for attention.
So that's normal.
Like, oh, look at the stars.
Aren't they nice?
Like, and then you go, yeah, they're nice as opposed to being like, I'm busy on my phone.
I'm checking the Forex trading today.
You know?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter, but like not like a big test, like I'm breaking up with you like three
(17:14):
years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And no, also those things happened in the dating phase, exactly.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I only learned it this year.
I think a lot of us like, and maybe this isn't healthy.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just normal.
Like, it's kind of like we're waiting for someone to like prove themselves to us.
(17:35):
It's kind of like in the night's movies, we want the guy who wins.
We want the guy who like kills the dragon, our dragon, whatever that is, the proverbial
dragon.
So especially when, you know, you referred to me as like, you know, like one of the,
I would say like in terms of education and like one of the women that's like more selective.
(17:57):
When I talk to my other friends that are similar, it's like when you can provide so much for
yourself, you know, you expect a lot more from your partner.
And so it's, it's like we want you as a guy to prove to us that like you are super confident,
like you are super self assured, like that you're not just going to fold.
Like we're also smart.
(18:18):
So we can like, we're not, you're not just, you're going to see through our little gains.
You know what I mean?
We want, we want to be like put in our place kind of, you know, and we want someone who
can put us in our place.
And I mean that in like a non-toxic way.
Yeah.
Don't cancel.
I know exactly what you mean.
Yeah.
I feel better at this year too, because I didn't really need to do it when I was single.
(18:39):
Yeah.
Because who cares if there's all sort of red flags and unhealthy lifestyle.
I don't really care.
We'll go on a day once per week and we'll have sex.
Yeah.
But when it's your partner and then I noticed things that I'm like, ah, that should change.
Then at some point you have to be like, no.
Yeah.
Change.
Stop.
And you guys can see it, but Aline starts smiling.
(19:00):
She's like, yes.
I love that.
And yeah, I think it was really good.
It's a, I hope my girlfriend doesn't mind, but I saw some things that maybe she wasn't
super evolved in yet and call them out.
And then she reacted so perfectly where she just worked on them.
And the other way around as well, you know, it's like what do you call it?
(19:21):
Symbiosis.
Yeah.
Symbiotic relationship.
Symbiotic relationship.
Yeah.
Now a very good point.
I think now that I think back a bit, maybe you do it or I did it sometimes when I'm single,
but then it's easy because that person is not close to you, so you can't get hurt.
But as soon as someone's really your partner, then it's way scarier, especially at the start
to be making moves like that.
(19:43):
Well, and it has to come from like this.
You have to be the right person.
You can't fake this.
You know, you can't fake like knowing like how to nicely put someone in their place.
You know, you can't fake like daddy energy.
You have to be daddy energy.
Yeah.
You can learn it.
Oh, you, everyone has to learn it.
(20:04):
No one's like born daddy.
You know, you have to learn and be like, oh, this is the best way or, you know, the girl's
going to be like the Oxford person.
I'm, I'm, I'm kind of somehow still seeing like when I would freak out because I'm a
girl, I will freak out sometimes.
He's like, I just, he's like, I know that when you're freaking out, I just wait and
(20:27):
it'll stop.
Like girls just like have their moments sometimes like, you know, I just know like it's not going
to affect me.
It's not, you're not going to throw off my emotional state.
And like, I love that because something as a girl that I don't like about myself is I
don't like that I have these emotional swings.
I don't like it about myself.
I already feel bad about it.
And if I have a guy who's like, you're so emotional, why can't you just be like that
(20:50):
hurts?
I'm already like, I already hate myself.
Stop it.
But if I have a guy who's like, oh my God, I literally don't care.
Nothing you do will throw me off.
I literally am just waiting over here until you calm down.
Do you need some chocolate?
I'm putting on a movie.
Bye bye.
I'm hugging you until you stop, you know, whatever.
That's like kind of what I like, you know, I think most girls, what do you think?
(21:10):
Yeah, probably all girls.
There's a really good book for guys listening.
It's by David Dyer and it's called The Way of the Superior Man.
And I haven't touched that book in a long time.
I should probably read it again, but what I remember of it is that sometimes the girl
is going to be pretty much a storm of emotions and pretty much what you described.
(21:32):
And he was saying, as a guy, you just stand there and weirder the storm, but you don't
let it throw you off balance.
And that's pretty much all.
And we love that.
And then we're like, wow.
And then once we're out, we're like, oh, sorry.
Sorry, I was crazy.
Yeah.
I also remember that in that book, there was something he said, whereas if your girl makes
a big scene about you not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, and she's like, well,
(21:53):
you know, put the cap on the toothpaste.
It's not about the cap on the toothpaste.
It's just that you're probably not picking up on little details somewhere else in relationship.
But it's like an overarching theme of you falling short somewhere.
But rather than pointing that out, she'll point out that stupid toothpaste thing.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good, yeah.
It's like she's irritated by something else.
(22:13):
I mean, would I do that?
Yeah.
And it's, I would do it probably.
I just get kind of like cold.
And that's why I like emotionally intelligent guys, because I want them to know that like,
and of course I try to communicate, but no one's perfect.
So sometimes I'll just not feel ready to like directly talk to someone about something.
So I'll just kind of get colder and more annoyed and irritated.
(22:34):
And I like when they ask me, hey, I see you're being cold.
And I tell them like, sometimes I'm going to be like this.
I'm sorry.
I can't, I'm not always good at expressing my feelings.
So feel free to directly ask me.
And then I will tell you.
And sometimes I will just kind of be like grumpy or, and I need you to be like, hey,
you're being grumpy.
Like, are you mad at me about something?
(22:55):
And, and I love like, this is something new I've never had before since this year.
Like I've met guys that are like, you can literally tell me, like you can tell me like,
you're too poor or you're too ugly or you're whatever.
And they're like, and I will not react.
They're like, you can tell me anything you want and I won't react.
(23:17):
And that was like insane to me because people I've dated before, I would always hide what
I really thought because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
And like, I didn't want to say something mean about them and have them hold it against
me forever, shatter their self-esteem.
And I dated this guy last year that literally like taught me this whole concept.
And now I'm like, I will only accept men who let me like express my feelings, obviously
(23:38):
not intentionally being mean.
But like if I have a genuine concern, I can say it and it's like such a game changer and
it like leads to such healthy, open conversations and I do the same.
I'm like, if you want to tell me something like you can tell me and I'll try not to be
hurt.
And I'm like, here's categories that might hurt me.
And if it's in those categories, maybe I am not ready to hear it.
(23:58):
But otherwise you can tell me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's amazing.
I think again, to turn it into a more practical tip for guys listening, if your girl tells
you whatever it is, even if it's something very emotional or something very tough for
you to hear and you can just stay calm and communicate through it in a calm way.
(24:19):
And be like a safe space.
Yeah.
Like if I said, I mean, this money one has come up multiple times.
So like if I say to you like, I loved, I really enjoyed dating you like, but I want to tell
you something, I don't want to hurt you.
Then you go like, listen, like that's manly, like listen, you can tell me anything.
Anything you say is going to like make me run away.
(24:41):
And if I'm hurt, that's my responsibility and I can handle it.
But I want to hear what you're thinking.
Like that's manly.
Like that's what they can do.
And like, then if I go to you like, hey, like, you know, what you're making right now, like
I feel like bad asking for things at dinner.
I feel like we're not going to be able to afford the same trips.
Like even if you don't end up together, like it's, I don't know, you just feel so involved
(25:03):
when you can like both talk.
And then I think it helps the guy to understand too, instead of me just disappearing and ghosting,
he kind of gets it.
He's like, okay, well, I either need to work on that or I need to date someone else who
that's not an issue for, you know, yeah.
100% agree.
One thing I want to delve in a little bit deeper is you said that you really like it.
So for example, you go just cold or non-communitive when something's bothering you.
(25:28):
And then when the guy says, Hey, Aline, you seem a bit cold.
What's up?
Tell me.
I've talked about this, especially recently with different people and I feel like many
of us had the same experience.
But I've really experienced with my girlfriend is I noticed some things off and then I'm
like, what's up?
And she's not sharing.
(25:48):
And then I really have to be like, I just have to dig for an hour, ask all sorts of
extra questions, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig.
And suddenly it comes out and all every time I'm like, why, why could you not just tell
me, you know, why do I have to dig for an hour?
And I think that's just a very general thing that women do.
Yeah.
And I used to be the same way where people have to dig, but that's because I was so women
(26:11):
are really conditioned to be afraid of hurting people and hurting people's feelings.
Like it's a huge no, no.
And so we, we also don't want to hurt your feelings.
And it's uncomfortable to say it's an uncomfortable car.
We don't want to say something negative about you, you know?
So I think that's something that will make your girlfriends happier too eventually is
if you can say like, Hey, I noticed this is what happens.
(26:34):
I totally understand why, but I want you to know like if you can feel safe with me, you
can say what bothers you quicker and prove it to her by not reacting, by not getting
this look on your face when she's like, you did this and I am listening to her.
Like you have to build like, get her trust that she can say that stuff to you earlier.
Because when she's hemming and hawing, she's like testing, is it actually safe for me to
(26:58):
say this?
Like, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very, very good point.
She has to learn over time, okay, it is safe.
And then she can spill whatever is on our minds faster and faster and faster.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good point.
I want to, something nice to finish the podcast with.
Great.
You listen, Aline, you listen to one other podcast and it was the one with Brian.
(27:21):
There's actually two with Brian.
You didn't listen to the one with Brian that I'm referring to right now, but there is.
So there's the other one.
Date was going to happen between Brian and the girl.
Suddenly she asks a few extra questions.
We nailed the answer.
She's happy.
She referred to herself as feminine.
We said wear something feminine and she was like, I wear whatever I want to buy.
I told that to you and I was like, yeah, that's just because she's high up in some corporate
(27:44):
job, very manly environment.
So she's not as cold, go get her business women.
And you were like, oh no, I would have buy it too.
Yeah.
I would have liked that.
And I'm pretty feminine, I think is what people have told me and I'm not super corporate
energy.
I just would feel like there's a, I would feel like the guy is either trying to be something
(28:04):
he's not.
Like he's like, oh, I need to tell her what to wear.
That's like a cool thing to do, which is a sign to me that he's not actually like a
strong, confident man.
He's like playing this role of strong, confident man, like strong, confident man tells women
what to wear.
And like also I'm like, I'm so, if you saw my dating profile, it's like, great.
Like I look great.
(28:24):
Okay.
I'm not, you don't need to tell me, it just feels like I'm a child to you and I don't want
like a boyfriend, child relationship, which maybe some girls want and some men want.
Some men do kind of want that dynamic.
Yeah.
You said they can wear, they can tell you stuff like that or help you pick up it's later
in relationship.
I would love that later.
But you said earlier, hey, I'm not dumb, you think I'm going to show up in sweatpants?
(28:48):
Yeah.
Like, like literally, yeah, like wear something nice on a first date.
Like what do you think?
What do you think I'm going to do?
You think I'm going to like, I think I'm an idiot?
Like I'm going to show up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is what I wanted to point it out.
I think our general consensus was guys don't tell girls what to wear for a first date.
No.
Let them just show up however they please.
(29:08):
But it was interesting because as you said earlier, I am right now.
Hey, guys, we're not on the floor.
I'm on a big comfy luxurious couch and a lean in her bed, but not the same feel I recorded
last time on the floor.
This is a massive fucking penthouse.
I think if anybody ever tells me to wear something nice, which they probably won't because I
don't think I'm going to use dating apps again.
(29:29):
I deleted all my apps by the way a few months ago.
I'll just say like, I'll wear whatever you send to my house.
Here's my address and then they can buy me a dress and then I'm very happy for them
to tell me what to wear.
Okay.
So guys, they can just wait and see what they get.
Respectable, I guess.
Y'all.
Hey, I finished my little story about your nice villa because it's going somewhere.
(29:50):
Oh, sorry.
I got distracted.
I was speaking about it and I was getting angry or an angry about somebody telling me
what to wear.
No, I just wanted to point out we're on the floor anymore because now we're in a big villa
because you're hosting a retreat and there's all the success of women here and we quickly
asked them, Hey, what would you do in this situation with the dress?
Someone also said, I really wouldn't be happy about hearing that.
(30:11):
One said, I would let it slide and one said, I wouldn't like it, but I would probably give
them the benefit of the doubt and see what you like on a date.
So one would let it slide.
One wouldn't like it, but benefit of the doubt and two would also run away, including you.
But nobody out of the four women liked it.
Exactly.
That's why we're saying it now, guys.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Sample size four.
(30:31):
I think that's four.
That is.
But four great ones.
Four unbelievably gorgeous women inside and out at Aline's retreat for all the ladies
listening to my podcast, which is literally zero besides your audience, sign up to her
treats, but they're already there.
Okay, Aline, thank you for this beautiful talk.
I think I like this one more than the last one.
(30:53):
Wow, really?
Yeah.
Which is not a diss to you because the last one had your whole origin story.
But there was a deeper.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm being selfish now because it's solidified some thoughts that I only had in the last
year, but so it was very helpful for me too.
Thank you.
No, I enjoyed it as well.
I also think sometimes when we talk through things, we realize what we like and what we
(31:16):
don't like as well.
Yeah.
So, again, you're being selfish and you're using this podcast to figure out what you
need.
Of course.
Yeah.
Everything I do is self-serving.
Perfect.
That's good.
Yeah, okay.
Never mind.
Enough of the bullshit.
Thank you so much.
We do a high five from far away.
Whoo.
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