December 30, 2024 • 38 mins
Ever thought you had it all figured out, only to realize you were wrong? This episode dives into the humbling moments that teach us the most. Niels Paul and I talk about overconfidence, failures in dating and fighting, and how these lessons have shaped us. Whether you’re stepping into the ring or navigating relationships, this episode is packed with insights on growth and resilience.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Oh, no another podcast with Niels. Yes, he's back
(00:04):
I appreciate that you come all the way from Munich to Amsterdam just to be on one more podcast already a second time
I'm coming here. Yes, and you know what I want to talk about today is something that I
Heard from a dating coach back in the days. It was Tyler
from RSD
It's actually funny because I don't even know what we're going to talk about now. Aha
(00:27):
Aha, it was a quote that I never forgot and I repeated often to my clients and he said
something along the lines of
There are two things that all guys think they can do but in reality they can't
It is one win a fight and two seduce ago. Oh, yeah, and I thought that is really interesting and
(00:49):
I wanted to talk about it with you
Yeah, yeah, now I remember the topic. Yeah, that's a great topic. I
Think and then I've heard you say that a lot. I also remember Tyler saying it
But I think the last few years I've heard you say it a lot and
Especially since you also started boxing
Probably become more relevant to you and then when I started you got me to start boxing as well. I
(01:14):
Also realized how much truth there is to it. Yeah, I
Guess
Mostly discuss the dating part since this is a dating podcast the fighting part is also very fun though
First of all, I want to say I don't think the quote ever really applied to me because
one I've always been a quiet
Fearful person and I was afraid like very conflict avoidant. I knew I would lose any damn fight
(01:39):
But also when I grew up I was a very weak and small
And I also knew I couldn't choose any girl because I was a virgin until I was 23
So but I still the quote stuck with me and I also noticed when I started learning
flirting and dating and pickup and
I went out and I will never forget that night and we still bully my friends with it
(02:02):
We went out and two of my friends actually
You at least know Ramses and the other one was the yinz
They got in a bit of an altercation with some random dudes and you know
Everyone's drunk and they wanted to fight and I was the one stopping them like dude. Don't do it
Don't do it and they kept saying my buddies were hitting the gym
They go look at them. They're so small. We can for sure win. Let's beat them up. They're so weak blah blah blah
(02:25):
I was like you you don't know like first of all, it's just dumb as hell to go fight with them and
Yeah, I never forgot that experience it's
There's one million viral videos of guys getting beaten up by someone that looks way we and especially now
I think it's interesting now. I've been boxing
Sparring for about four years now. I know that I could win probably most street fights, but still
(02:52):
it's
funny and
humbling to spar against someone that looks way smaller or weaker or not athletic and then they just completely destroy me
Yeah, then you reminded that you never really know. Yeah, for sure
Well for me it was I guess with the fighting it was similar to you
I was always scared of it and always assumed that I would lose because I never had this aggression in me that
(03:16):
Especially in in dirt growing up in Germany. I saw a lot of these
kids with Arab or Turkish background that have this
Naturally, I'd say higher testosterone or more aggression and I'm just okay
They have nothing to lose was always what I thought I would never want to fight them
But I had with girls I always thought that I
When I was young I was never really exposed to it and I just assumed that girls would like me because I thought hey
(03:41):
I'm tall and good-looking
girls will like me if I
Want one of them
but I was never in a situation of actually trying for a long time. I wasn't and
That's why in a way. I can really relate to it you as long as you're and I think that's what I mentioned here a couple days ago
Most people have a belief so the belief in this case being I'm good with girls
(04:07):
Because that belief has never been challenged. They have never actually tried it out and
Because they have never tried it out the belief has never been challenged and so they
Believe it to be true even though they neither have any evidence
Supporting it nor any evidence to the contrary or maybe they do even have belief or evidence confirming that belief
(04:28):
Because they have been with two or three girls even though these girls come from their social circle, but they had girlfriends in the past
They had some hookups or whatever so they believe that they are good with girls
They know how to talk to girls girls like them however you want to call it
But they have never been in a situation where they're like, okay
(04:49):
I moved to a new city and I have to meet friends or I have to meet girls and they actually have to
Go talk to a girl. Yeah
Yeah, that's why I wanted to talk about this with you. I thought it's very interesting that you brought up that
They think they can win a fight or get a girl
Because there is no proof of the contrary. I thought that's a really good point
(05:13):
but also you said
They've had some girls blah blah blah, but if they would move to a new city
That's when they would be fucked and it's more so those situations that I think it is I
Think it's truth for 99% of men that they cannot seduce a girl
I'm talking about those situations. You're just going about your day
You're walking around the city with a friend suddenly a really hot girl walks past. You're like, okay go up to her then
(05:39):
Yeah
Not even seducer have a nice conversation with her and yeah, maybe exchange Instagrams or whatever. Yeah
It's crazy because when people find out what I do, you know guys are obviously always interested
and I've had
Remember meeting one guy here in Amsterdam who was a really confident smooth guy just
(06:00):
you just know that he's good with women and
I brought up this line and he was like, oh
No, I think I actually could
Just walk up to the girl and seduce her and I was telling him, okay, so if I
See one or you if you see what you really like, can you let me know or if I see one that I think is
(06:21):
objectively
As far as possible really beautiful. Can I let you know and will you go talk to her and he's like, yeah, sure
I'll do it and
Of course when push came to shove
He almost did it you saw him hesitating, but that's how it usually goes
He was hesitating and he got in his head and he never went and then later
We saw another one and he got more in his head than it didn't go long story short
(06:42):
He never went and then he realized like fuck. I can't do it
Funny, right? Yeah, I'm really really cool guy really smooth. Well, also you have this belief
In his case or in case like these this guy I think I believe that these guys have this belief like I'm good with girls
(07:02):
So they will avoid doing things that could challenge that belief
So they can preserve their nice self. Yeah, for example for me
when I first start learning all of this stuff, you know, like
learning about self-confidence learning about like whatever you want to call it this whole soft skill of talking to people I
Think I became quite good at it
(07:24):
And then I got into a long relationship and when I had to relearn it after when you're like
Oh, now you're single all of a sudden you have to go at it again
But you already have this belief that you're good at it
It makes it so much harder to learn again because in the beginning you will constantly almost
Find evidence that you actually not as good as you thought you were you're like getting rejected you're
(07:45):
fucking up
interactions and
It's quite interesting. Yeah
So would you say it's easier to learn game?
When you've always thought that you're not good at game or is it easier to learn game when you thought you're already good at game?
No, I think it's easier when you thought you're not good at it from the start
Like I think the guys that I met that pushed it the hardest are usually guys that were like
(08:10):
So surprised that they could even talk to a girl and then in the beginning that like all this girl just talks to me
And then they just go super hard and even if only one in 50 girls talks like let's make these extreme examples
But there are some of these guys
That really don't have a lot of positive experience
But just the fact that there's one experience that's positive every now and then is already
(08:31):
Enough to keep them going whereas a guy that things that he's good with girls would be super discouraged by just one rejection
Yeah, and we've see I mean I've seen there's so many times and you've probably seen it
Hundreds of times as well right with guys getting rejected a couple times and then almost like the end of the world for them
Yeah, let alone three rejections in a row or rejection by a girl that they were like
(08:53):
That's really my type and it's more of a brutal rejection where she gives you yeah rolls her eyes and she's like go
No, thanks. Yeah, then they're usually fucked. Yeah, and I mean I don't even want to exclude myself
I also like to this date when I talked to a girl and doesn't go well
It always has this you feel the sting right whereas
(09:14):
I'm thinking of this guy that was at your bootcamp last time the Swedish guy we talked about yesterday
He's just so excited about having a girl talk to me. He's so grateful and happy and
Yeah, yeah, that was amazing
Yeah, not the best outfit yet like a cask around his arm because he broke
Something in his hand or whatever. It was a bit older and when he realized hey some girls actually want to talk to me
(09:40):
And I can just meet them
He was so motivated just like you said
He instantly signed up for the next bootcamp to he's like whoa more of this. He's like hey, Louie
I what point should I be teaching this to my son? I
Mean it's so important to have the positive attitude as well. That's something that a lot of people miss and
I'm just thinking that when someone is I
(10:02):
mean most people they get exposed to
Wanting to have a girlfriend or wanting to meet a girl when they're in their early 20s they
They usually start studying or whatever they realize oh, I want to get a girlfriend
Or I don't know how to get a girlfriend
But there's a lot of kind of access and I think what happens a lot is that guys then end up in relationships and then they're
(10:23):
Single again at some point later in their life. So especially these guys that think hey
I'm good with girls or like girls like me
Then they have a long relationship and then the girl dumps them they're in their 30s
And now there's not that many women around them because they're not in university anymore
They're working their jobs and now they the only way for them to meet a girl is actually go talk to a girl that they see
(10:46):
Or maybe through a dating app and they are at work or at work
But we all know that at work is not the easiest to do especially if you're not used to it and
Then they realize all of a sudden that they don't really know how to go about it
And then that's also I think even harder if you didn't learn it before
Where you didn't have to go through it before and now you're in your 30s and you have to learn
(11:10):
How to even have the confidence to go up to someone or I mean learn how to just do it
It's interesting
Yeah, I'm thinking about a lot of things but I
(11:30):
Remember a lot of guys that have signed up for my programs then when they
Quote unquote graduate and they had a really nice experience and they leave some sort of good biotech
So oh this was life-changing blah blah blah. I
Feel like
Yeah, maybe the most grateful guys or the guys that had nothing at all in the start and
(11:55):
Maybe because they experienced this nice that nice feeling of
You know having girls into your respecting you for the first time
But at the same time a lot of my clients that they really well are guys that have been in a long relationship
And the relationship ends and they have to start over and
They're a bit overwhelmed like whoa, okay stuffs different now than
(12:18):
Five six seven eight twelve years ago. Yeah, I don't really know what to do now
And suddenly there's dating apps and blah blah blah and they sign up for coaching, but they generally do very well, too
Do you think it also has to do with their intentions versus the intention of these guys that just want to
Get better at seducing girls or something
(12:41):
So what I mean is that I often feel like guys that come out of a long relationship
Especially when they're already in their 30s. They just really want most of the time to
find a
Girl again that they can have a good relationship with so they have very kind of pure
Intentions whereas a lot of guys especially younger guys. They just want to get laid
(13:03):
So the intentions are maybe not as quote unquote pure whatever you want to call it
Maybe but it's also a bit of a wrong assumption maybe because I would say
By far the majority of guys that sign up to my coaching have the goal of
(13:26):
Dating around a bit not instantly looking for the one
Like they want to find something a really high quality woman to settle down with and
For all those guys that already had a long relationship, you know, they want that again, but better
But they're not in a rush and they're fine just having some adventures first
Yeah, so sleeping around until they find someone that's really good
(13:49):
That's what most of my clients want. Of course. I've also coached guys
The really smaller amount that just wants
Flirt hookups and that type of stuff and usually I would say they are a bit younger. Yeah
Fair enough as well
No, I'm thinking you said is it because the intention of the guys that already had a relationship that they have better results
(14:14):
I think it is because if you've already had a longer relationship
Unless you've done completely horribly, but you have at least some experience with women you understand them a bit better
You know, you've been around the block
Whereas if it's a guy that never had any success they
Yeah, they don't have a clue how
How women work how they think a bit differently how they feel a bit differently and so on and so on
(14:41):
You know with
One thing that I'm always talking about in my coaching is the understanding part. I think it's a toughest part to learn
The toughest pillar
You know, you there's teasing and leading and blah blah blah. There's everything and one of them is understanding
And that one mostly comes by gathering more experience and you get it over time
(15:04):
So guys that have already been with some girls or have been in a long relationship
They're understanding
Is just way higher than the guy that has no understanding at all
So when I look back to the start of my journey, I had pretty much no understanding at all until I was 23 years
And by understanding just for clarification here, you mean understanding
(15:24):
Women or understanding the opposite sex rather than understanding women understanding things in relation to women understanding
The current situation you're in at any point with a woman
And only when you understand where you stand what the vibe or what the current situation is with the girl you're interacting with
Like by correctly understanding
That situation can you make the right move? Yeah
(15:49):
So that's why I think single dads divorced fathers that come for coaching
That's why I think they do so well because at least they understand the way more than the average guy
And if you and you have a good relationship
Yeah, and if and you know, I mean there's so many variables, right?
They've figured out a bit more who they are in life
(16:12):
than a younger dude who's
Maybe never really
Maybe they've never even sit still for
One minute and ask themselves like hey, who am I? What do I want? Yeah, what are my beliefs?
Generally speaking the older guy has it figured out a bit better. I
Was thinking
Yeah, almost all guys think they can win a fight and seduce a girl
(16:38):
That made me think you
said at the start of this
Podcast that you always believed if you wanted a girl you could get her
Yeah, it's something. Why did you start learning the whole
Pickup thing then so maybe let me first explain why I had this belief and I think when I was young I
(17:02):
I mean I was
For a large majority raised by my mom and my mom and her friends would always, you know how moms say oh, you're so good-looking
You're so blah blah blah, but I think that's where my belief came from that. I'm good-looking and I knew I was so good-looking
I think I was so good-looking and I think I was so good-looking and I think I was so good-looking
And I knew I was tall so of course everyone was like oh, I'm really tall right for people who don't know me
(17:28):
I'm yeah, and there is no video here is voice only people don't even know that you're naked right now true true
But are you six four six four? Yeah, why you're held on 195?
Hey there goes all your credibility everyone listening now is like okay disregard everything that this guy says
Yeah, fair enough
(17:48):
This is where all the best that's where this that's where where I'm going now because you know, that's what
Objectively people tell you yeah, you're tall you're good-looking come from a good family
So I thought hey I'm smart so I thought hey of course girls like me that was my belief
But then every time I liked a girl when I was a teenager
She didn't really like me back
(18:08):
They would always end up with my friends or with one of the guys from the group and not with me so
So that that in and of itself was not enough to challenge my belief that's crazy which is interesting
So in game terminology you had a really strong frame
I had a very strong frame
and
I I think that also came from me living in this disney dream of
(18:34):
Thinking that there's the right one at some point and then every time it didn't work with a girl
I was kind of telling myself. I was just not the right one
And there was also part of me thinking ah, she did like me, but then I fucked it up
You know not thinking ah, she didn't even like me, but it was more. She liked me
But I fucked it up with something I did or said so I always thought oh, I could change it
(18:55):
Which was pretty good because that came in handy later when I actually had to
Learn how to be more charismatic more fun to be around and all of these things
So that's that's where I came from and then I had a very long relationship when I was quite young like from from 18 to 23
and
(19:15):
long story short when I started meeting girls again, I had
I was somewhat confident so I approached I think two or three girls
Back then before learning about all of this dating stuff
And one of them invited me to come to a party and I thought she liked me
(19:35):
So I went there. I really liked her. I was really crushing on her was super excited
And then while we were at the party, I could literally feel her losing interest for me throughout the evening
It was super strange and then at 3 a.m. She asked me if I wanted to come to a club with her and her friends
So we went there just me
One gay guy and five or six girls
So we went to this club and outside the club
(19:57):
Waiting in the queue some guy joined us and it was this
Like I mean now it's fashionable again. But back then it wasn't really you know a DDesk jacket
Gold necklace and I was like a law student in my shirt and everything dressed nicely and then this
Kind of almost low social class kind of guy what it seemed to me came
(20:17):
He was super friendly but he was kind of a dick and then we went into the club and
Can I interrupt? Yeah, it's so funny because
Everyone listening must be like here's this
Properly dressed law student that felt her interest fade overnight
There was still enough to be asked to join to the club
(20:38):
Then this guy joins that you just introduced as kind of a dick who's has this
Yeah more bad boy
Clothes and everyone already knows he's going to take your girl
Yeah, and he was really it was very interesting and man the crazy thing is that was
(21:01):
It's like 14 years ago and I can vividly remember it like I can really picture it in my head
I remember talking to this guy. He was super like he was a dick kind of his vibe was like
A dick, you know what I mean?
Right, but he was super friendly, you know, he offered me gum
We're just talking he was just a friendly guy and then we go into the club
(21:22):
And I go to the bathroom and when I come back so literally five minutes after we come in
I see her leaning against a wall and his both hands to the left and the right of her face touching the wall
and like kind of blocking her
And like trying to make out with her and she slightly turned her face away and I remember thinking like what a dick
And then they were making out and that was it and I was like what the fuck's happening
(21:46):
I couldn't really couldn't process what happened and then I was is that the moment that
Fueled you to learn this this shit. Well, that was the moment where
I felt so bad
Like I back then I didn't drink alcohol. I probably hadn't drank alcohol for five years
And I couldn't process what had happened
So I went to the bar and all the time I was like
(22:08):
I was like I almost like had like a panic kind of feeling like what the fuck's happening
Then I had a drink and then I walked home
Which was like a 45 minute walk or something and I lied in bed and I
Couldn't like I couldn't sleep and then I fell asleep and slept for like
Two hours and then I woke up at 6 30 so I decided to go to the gym and I just had this like I was confused
(22:29):
So I went to the gym
And then I came home and I sat in front of my computer and I was like
Went on Google and I was like I have to find out like
What happened and I googled something like
I don't really remember what it was but something like why would a girl choose a guy over somebody else or something?
(22:49):
and
Then I was
Committed to never experience that feeling again of
Losing quote unquote losing. I mean, I never you know, you never own someone. I never had a girlfriend
own someone I never
Had any right to her
But I was just so confused because in my mind I was like
(23:09):
The perfect guy, you know that every girl should be with but then
That was the first day that I realized or the first time it became conscious to me that well
Every time I wanted a girl something like that happened, you know, and then I just always justified it or rationalized it away in the past
But a lot of the time I would meet a girl I would like her and then I would somehow fuck it up
(23:31):
And that was the first time where it really became conscious to me because I had this comparison to
Or it was not just me because this other guy obviously managed to
quote unquote get her
So I knew oh there was something I did wrong and I need to find out what it is. It's a golden necklace
Yeah, the golden necklace and the Adidas jacket
(23:55):
Um, I mean, I know now
I know a lot about what I did wrong nowadays, right? And it was had nothing to do with the guide was all about
She already completely lost interest in me by the time we were going to the nightclub. She was just being nice
Yeah, and invited me and funny funny side story here
I
(24:15):
like two or three years ago I
I've tried to find a picture of this girl
I can barely remember what she looks like but I was like
I went on like google her and then found her on linkedin and sent her like a bit creepy because it's linkedin
But I sent her a
Connection request and you know in my mind this was like a huge event in my life, you know like really
(24:36):
Changed the course of my life. Oh, yeah kind of thing and I'm pretty sure I told you this story
so I added her on linkedin and
I don't remember how it was but we exchanged like one or two messages and she's like
I'm do I know you and I'm like, yeah, we we studied together in
blah blah
City and she just didn't remember me
(24:59):
She's like I was just some like for her it just didn't play any role
She probably forgot me after six months, but it's so crazy that even seeing my name and my picture. She doesn't remember me
Yeah, that is crazy. Hey, actually I really like that how
How certain events as you said for you it's life altering. Yeah, like that had probably
(25:22):
Top three biggest effects on your life
Yeah, at least top five
Because for for the listeners that don't know
um, you coach
At my boot camps you've coached for yourself as like a side
hobby almost
To summarize things really
It's really funny to hear this story because
(25:46):
I know you as I always say there's I've never met anyone that is better at
Getting girls or whatever flirting in any sort of night setting in the club
I can just not picture a scenario where some other dude will come over and
Talk to a girl and she'll be more interested in him
(26:06):
Than you and walk off with him or so like it. I've never seen it
So it's really interesting to hear this story very funny
And it's funny how to you it was such a big deal and then you learned all that stuff and then well you became who you are
And she just has no recollection that you even exist. Yeah
(26:29):
It's crazy
It's also interesting. I think this is also the same thing when we do approaches and then we're like
Oh, we're so worried about people like you go talk to a girl and you're so worried what she thinks but
Most likely two days later. She will not remember you, you know, if it goes bad, yeah, who cares
That's really the same same
Yeah train of thought or same line of thought
(26:52):
Well, man, I really liked the story and there was so many things that I wanted to say
But I just wanted to let you finish your story and of course I can't remember everything I wanted to say
Very funny
I'm imagining you oh, I remember now what I wanted to say
oops
Thanks so much. Cappuccino. There was a big burp coming up, but
(27:14):
to me it sounded like
So you you said you had a bit of a panic attack come up
So you went to grab a drink and try to process things and then you went home
And then you couldn't sleep and then you woke up again and you couldn't sleep and you went to the gym with your heart racing
Yeah, I wonder
If all of that was from the intense emotion of the girl that you have a massive crush on is
(27:36):
in front of your eyes stolen by someone else and now you're
Let's say angry or sad probably
It almost sounded more like what I think
And it looks like you'll agree. But what I think happened is
It's just your reality changed
Like you always hearing you always thinking I can get any girl and I'm a smart and
(28:00):
Good-looking guy was reaffirmed a million times by your mom and all her friends
And you always had this belief I can get any girl or if I can't then you know, she was just not the one or maybe I made a mistake
But it sounds like that night
Yeah, the way you
Saw the world just completely changed because everything that happened was not in line with all your beliefs
(28:27):
Yeah, that is very possible. And then you have a bit of yeah, you have like
Anxiety come up or a bit of a crisis and you're just like
Wait
The world is not how I thought it was. Yeah, it's true. I haven't seen it like that. It's for sure. It was not the sadness that
She went for the other guy that was probably played a very minor role
(28:49):
It was more this
Realization that I did
Somehow fucked this up
And I was like, hey, I this girl invited me
Or basically we to give some more context to this
I asked her out and then we had a date a week before and she cancelled on me and then she texted me
A couple days later and invited me to this
(29:11):
To this party with her. So she invited me so she was at least that's what I was thinking back then she must have been
Into me. Yeah, she was excited to I could feel I remember feeling throughout the evening
How she lost interest and then this guy probably if this guy hadn't shown up
I had somehow I would have somehow rationalized it away
But the fact that this guy then showed up and showed me what was possible where I was that should have been me
(29:38):
That that's what my thought was that should have been me. Why does she choose this dick over me?
It's something that I must have done like something must be because I was like I was thinking she invited me
So the baseline should have been
Just like if I hadn't fucked it up, it should have worked out
But there's something that went wrong
(29:59):
Because of that she ended up with the other guy and that shattered my reality and it was like the first time that I realized that
Okay, I guess something I'm doing is just wrong
Yeah, but I like it so much. It's so much like a movie script
That would be one of the initial amount with stories like this
I think about the movie limitless where the guy's life is in complete shit
And then he starts taking his drug that activates 100% of his brain instead of five and everything goes right
(30:24):
Well, for sure hopped when I found out where to get these pills that also really changed my life
No, but it's like the start of the movie
Yeah, there's a little bit of hope boom. It goes to shit. You feel horrible. You can't sleep panic
And then you're that you're sitting there in front of your computer and you're just like wait a minute
Yeah, there is a way and then the journey starts the hero journey starts. Yeah
(30:48):
Hey, you know what would also be really interesting
I think especially for people and people listening to this that wants to get better with girls
You said that you know exactly all the things you did wrong now, right? Obviously in hindsight, could you could you
list some some things that you did
Something that you did that caused the girl to lose interest and maybe some things that the other guy did that caused her to gain interest in him
(31:13):
Yeah
So
The biggest thing I would say that I did wrong and that goes hand in hand with what you said earlier about understanding
so back then
I thought
That all I needed to do is tell the girl
How great what a great guy I am so basically this girl didn't know much about me, right?
(31:36):
All she knew is I had approached this girl. I walked up to her. I somehow without
Having learned about any of this. I saw this girl and I went up to her and approach her
That's already crazy, right? Who the fuck does that? Well, that's a funny story in and of itself
So it's like way crazy like way longer, but I don't want to get into that. No, basically
I I had approached her
(31:59):
and
We didn't know much about each other. We had been texting a bit. That's it
And then I came to this party with her at her friends house
It was just a small party like 10 people or whatever 15 people
And at the party when we were talking almost the entire time was just me
telling her about myself just what
(32:20):
The dating world would be called qualifying, you know, I just telling her how cool I am how I do this how I do that
What I'm planning to do with my life how I want to have kids and like, you know, like all of this very serious
almost boring conversation about how great a guy I am and
First of all the conversation I was having with her was not fun at all
(32:40):
It was just an exchange of boring information coupled with me
Trying to seem cool or bragging about
About myself and it was not just with her also her friends that talked with me had it was similar
It's like all her friends that talked to me just walked away like almost like I wouldn't say discussed but like
The fuck is this guy kind of thing
(33:02):
And I didn't ask her much about her the only things I asked about her is like what she's like
Interested like what she wants to do for what she does for work or what her career plans are
It's just very boring conversation. So I think it was not fun
To talk to me or to hang out with me. I was
Trying to prove what a cool guy I am why I'm worthy of
(33:25):
dating or whatever
and
Then the third thing that I thought of immediately is
Not making a move and then on the other end was this
The other guy the other guy came to this club
I don't know how they met right. It could have been that she already knew him before
They might even have hooked up before I don't really know right. I don't know the context
(33:47):
But he came he was the kind of guy that doesn't really give a shit about what other people think
But at the same time he was very very friendly. That was the
The contrast I was trying to portray earlier. He was kind of a dick from the vibe he gave off, but he was very
Charming is probably the right word right. He offered like I still remember him
Just grabbing gum taking one and then offering gum to everyone which I didn't expect from him
(34:11):
I would have thought he's a guy that just makes makes it less for you
Makes it harder for you to really hate him or yeah, exactly for the girl. Yeah, so
He was kind of like just being himself
He was kind of nice to be around
Like I would say just vibe wise. He had a pretty
(34:33):
Nice vibe and he was not like in contrast to me
He was not trying to impress anybody or trying to be cool or
Trying to come across a certain way. He was just like enjoying himself having fun
And then he just also made a move right when he saw the opportunity just went for it
He's not like oh, I'm because I had no clue so I like just
(34:54):
Let's think this through if this all of this hadn't happened and the girl had
Asked me or I had asked her out on a second date. I don't even know if I would have made a move
like I don't know because back then I was like
I have no idea like I don't even know how to do these things right so maybe I would have made a move
Maybe I would have gone on three dates and then nothing would have happened because I
(35:15):
Didn't make a move and this guy just went for it and was very leading and just going for what he wants and
Okay with maybe the girl not liking it. He didn't do anything like
Completely out of the ordinary or inappropriate or anything
Yeah, and that's the biggest difference between him and me. It was almost like
Two I don't want to say extremes, but two opposite ends on the scale
(35:38):
Yeah, and I'm pretty sure if we met this guy like this guy back then if he came in right now
We'll probably get along with him pretty well. Like he was like a cool fun guy
Yeah, it seems like he was just quite authentic being himself
Yeah, authentic and understanding
Of the other people around him, which I did not have at all back then
(36:02):
I was very
I don't want to call it self-absorbed, but I thought that
All that matters to other people is me telling them how
They're needing to know how great I am or whatever like blah blah
So funny. How many girls had you been with at that point?
(36:23):
I think just two just the girl I had been dating my girlfriend at the time
That I had been with for a few years and before that I think I was with two girls maybe
I mean, yeah one or two
Makes a lot of sense
(36:44):
Here's this guy that's been with two girls the other day
I think I was dating with two girls the other day
Makes a lot of sense. Here's this guy that's been with two girls thinks he's the complete shit
Goes to a club does everything wrong, but it probably
You only halfly realized
This actually cooler guy that you then just perceived as a prick
(37:06):
Which must be relatable for people listening to for a lot of them that wanted to do better with dating, right?
It's one of these
You've heard in a million time. Why does she always go for the asshole?
Well plot twist most cases he was not an asshole. You just perceived him that way, but actually you were the asshole or at least
A loser or not a cool guy not not with the right intentions anyway
(37:26):
But that's another discussion
But this guy comes along takes your girl your reality shattered you go home you crawl in front of your computer and
Yeah, then you became
Whatever you are now
Which is at least one percent cooler
Hopefully point one percent
(37:48):
and
You have a fight coming up soon
Kickboxing fights so now you can actually win fights and get girls. Phew
Let's see about the winning the fight. I would be nice, but I'm already happy to just fucking do it
I'm so scared in a way not actually scared like I was last year, but
(38:09):
yeah
I am
Also, I'm excited about it. Good luck in the fight
And see you soon
Oh, no another podcast with Niels. Yes, he's back
(00:04):
I appreciate that you come all the way from Munich to Amsterdam just to be on one more podcast already a second time
I'm coming here. Yes, and you know what I want to talk about today is something that I
Heard from a dating coach back in the days. It was Tyler
from RSD
It's actually funny because I don't even know what we're going to talk about now. Aha
(00:27):
Aha, it was a quote that I never forgot and I repeated often to my clients and he said
something along the lines of
There are two things that all guys think they can do but in reality they can't
It is one win a fight and two seduce ago. Oh, yeah, and I thought that is really interesting and
(00:49):
I wanted to talk about it with you
Yeah, yeah, now I remember the topic. Yeah, that's a great topic. I
Think and then I've heard you say that a lot. I also remember Tyler saying it
But I think the last few years I've heard you say it a lot and
Especially since you also started boxing
Probably become more relevant to you and then when I started you got me to start boxing as well. I
(01:14):
Also realized how much truth there is to it. Yeah, I
Guess
Mostly discuss the dating part since this is a dating podcast the fighting part is also very fun though
First of all, I want to say I don't think the quote ever really applied to me because
one I've always been a quiet
Fearful person and I was afraid like very conflict avoidant. I knew I would lose any damn fight
(01:39):
But also when I grew up I was a very weak and small
And I also knew I couldn't choose any girl because I was a virgin until I was 23
So but I still the quote stuck with me and I also noticed when I started learning
flirting and dating and pickup and
I went out and I will never forget that night and we still bully my friends with it
(02:02):
We went out and two of my friends actually
You at least know Ramses and the other one was the yinz
They got in a bit of an altercation with some random dudes and you know
Everyone's drunk and they wanted to fight and I was the one stopping them like dude. Don't do it
Don't do it and they kept saying my buddies were hitting the gym
They go look at them. They're so small. We can for sure win. Let's beat them up. They're so weak blah blah blah
(02:25):
I was like you you don't know like first of all, it's just dumb as hell to go fight with them and
Yeah, I never forgot that experience it's
There's one million viral videos of guys getting beaten up by someone that looks way we and especially now
I think it's interesting now. I've been boxing
Sparring for about four years now. I know that I could win probably most street fights, but still
(02:52):
it's
funny and
humbling to spar against someone that looks way smaller or weaker or not athletic and then they just completely destroy me
Yeah, then you reminded that you never really know. Yeah, for sure
Well for me it was I guess with the fighting it was similar to you
I was always scared of it and always assumed that I would lose because I never had this aggression in me that
(03:16):
Especially in in dirt growing up in Germany. I saw a lot of these
kids with Arab or Turkish background that have this
Naturally, I'd say higher testosterone or more aggression and I'm just okay
They have nothing to lose was always what I thought I would never want to fight them
But I had with girls I always thought that I
When I was young I was never really exposed to it and I just assumed that girls would like me because I thought hey
(03:41):
I'm tall and good-looking
girls will like me if I
Want one of them
but I was never in a situation of actually trying for a long time. I wasn't and
That's why in a way. I can really relate to it you as long as you're and I think that's what I mentioned here a couple days ago
Most people have a belief so the belief in this case being I'm good with girls
(04:07):
Because that belief has never been challenged. They have never actually tried it out and
Because they have never tried it out the belief has never been challenged and so they
Believe it to be true even though they neither have any evidence
Supporting it nor any evidence to the contrary or maybe they do even have belief or evidence confirming that belief
(04:28):
Because they have been with two or three girls even though these girls come from their social circle, but they had girlfriends in the past
They had some hookups or whatever so they believe that they are good with girls
They know how to talk to girls girls like them however you want to call it
But they have never been in a situation where they're like, okay
(04:49):
I moved to a new city and I have to meet friends or I have to meet girls and they actually have to
Go talk to a girl. Yeah
Yeah, that's why I wanted to talk about this with you. I thought it's very interesting that you brought up that
They think they can win a fight or get a girl
Because there is no proof of the contrary. I thought that's a really good point
(05:13):
but also you said
They've had some girls blah blah blah, but if they would move to a new city
That's when they would be fucked and it's more so those situations that I think it is I
Think it's truth for 99% of men that they cannot seduce a girl
I'm talking about those situations. You're just going about your day
You're walking around the city with a friend suddenly a really hot girl walks past. You're like, okay go up to her then
(05:39):
Yeah
Not even seducer have a nice conversation with her and yeah, maybe exchange Instagrams or whatever. Yeah
It's crazy because when people find out what I do, you know guys are obviously always interested
and I've had
Remember meeting one guy here in Amsterdam who was a really confident smooth guy just
(06:00):
you just know that he's good with women and
I brought up this line and he was like, oh
No, I think I actually could
Just walk up to the girl and seduce her and I was telling him, okay, so if I
See one or you if you see what you really like, can you let me know or if I see one that I think is
(06:21):
objectively
As far as possible really beautiful. Can I let you know and will you go talk to her and he's like, yeah, sure
I'll do it and
Of course when push came to shove
He almost did it you saw him hesitating, but that's how it usually goes
He was hesitating and he got in his head and he never went and then later
We saw another one and he got more in his head than it didn't go long story short
(06:42):
He never went and then he realized like fuck. I can't do it
Funny, right? Yeah, I'm really really cool guy really smooth. Well, also you have this belief
In his case or in case like these this guy I think I believe that these guys have this belief like I'm good with girls
(07:02):
So they will avoid doing things that could challenge that belief
So they can preserve their nice self. Yeah, for example for me
when I first start learning all of this stuff, you know, like
learning about self-confidence learning about like whatever you want to call it this whole soft skill of talking to people I
Think I became quite good at it
(07:24):
And then I got into a long relationship and when I had to relearn it after when you're like
Oh, now you're single all of a sudden you have to go at it again
But you already have this belief that you're good at it
It makes it so much harder to learn again because in the beginning you will constantly almost
Find evidence that you actually not as good as you thought you were you're like getting rejected you're
(07:45):
fucking up
interactions and
It's quite interesting. Yeah
So would you say it's easier to learn game?
When you've always thought that you're not good at game or is it easier to learn game when you thought you're already good at game?
No, I think it's easier when you thought you're not good at it from the start
Like I think the guys that I met that pushed it the hardest are usually guys that were like
(08:10):
So surprised that they could even talk to a girl and then in the beginning that like all this girl just talks to me
And then they just go super hard and even if only one in 50 girls talks like let's make these extreme examples
But there are some of these guys
That really don't have a lot of positive experience
But just the fact that there's one experience that's positive every now and then is already
(08:31):
Enough to keep them going whereas a guy that things that he's good with girls would be super discouraged by just one rejection
Yeah, and we've see I mean I've seen there's so many times and you've probably seen it
Hundreds of times as well right with guys getting rejected a couple times and then almost like the end of the world for them
Yeah, let alone three rejections in a row or rejection by a girl that they were like
(08:53):
That's really my type and it's more of a brutal rejection where she gives you yeah rolls her eyes and she's like go
No, thanks. Yeah, then they're usually fucked. Yeah, and I mean I don't even want to exclude myself
I also like to this date when I talked to a girl and doesn't go well
It always has this you feel the sting right whereas
(09:14):
I'm thinking of this guy that was at your bootcamp last time the Swedish guy we talked about yesterday
He's just so excited about having a girl talk to me. He's so grateful and happy and
Yeah, yeah, that was amazing
Yeah, not the best outfit yet like a cask around his arm because he broke
Something in his hand or whatever. It was a bit older and when he realized hey some girls actually want to talk to me
(09:40):
And I can just meet them
He was so motivated just like you said
He instantly signed up for the next bootcamp to he's like whoa more of this. He's like hey, Louie
I what point should I be teaching this to my son? I
Mean it's so important to have the positive attitude as well. That's something that a lot of people miss and
I'm just thinking that when someone is I
(10:02):
mean most people they get exposed to
Wanting to have a girlfriend or wanting to meet a girl when they're in their early 20s they
They usually start studying or whatever they realize oh, I want to get a girlfriend
Or I don't know how to get a girlfriend
But there's a lot of kind of access and I think what happens a lot is that guys then end up in relationships and then they're
(10:23):
Single again at some point later in their life. So especially these guys that think hey
I'm good with girls or like girls like me
Then they have a long relationship and then the girl dumps them they're in their 30s
And now there's not that many women around them because they're not in university anymore
They're working their jobs and now they the only way for them to meet a girl is actually go talk to a girl that they see
(10:46):
Or maybe through a dating app and they are at work or at work
But we all know that at work is not the easiest to do especially if you're not used to it and
Then they realize all of a sudden that they don't really know how to go about it
And then that's also I think even harder if you didn't learn it before
Where you didn't have to go through it before and now you're in your 30s and you have to learn
(11:10):
How to even have the confidence to go up to someone or I mean learn how to just do it
It's interesting
Yeah, I'm thinking about a lot of things but I
(11:30):
Remember a lot of guys that have signed up for my programs then when they
Quote unquote graduate and they had a really nice experience and they leave some sort of good biotech
So oh this was life-changing blah blah blah. I
Feel like
Yeah, maybe the most grateful guys or the guys that had nothing at all in the start and
(11:55):
Maybe because they experienced this nice that nice feeling of
You know having girls into your respecting you for the first time
But at the same time a lot of my clients that they really well are guys that have been in a long relationship
And the relationship ends and they have to start over and
They're a bit overwhelmed like whoa, okay stuffs different now than
(12:18):
Five six seven eight twelve years ago. Yeah, I don't really know what to do now
And suddenly there's dating apps and blah blah blah and they sign up for coaching, but they generally do very well, too
Do you think it also has to do with their intentions versus the intention of these guys that just want to
Get better at seducing girls or something
(12:41):
So what I mean is that I often feel like guys that come out of a long relationship
Especially when they're already in their 30s. They just really want most of the time to
find a
Girl again that they can have a good relationship with so they have very kind of pure
Intentions whereas a lot of guys especially younger guys. They just want to get laid
(13:03):
So the intentions are maybe not as quote unquote pure whatever you want to call it
Maybe but it's also a bit of a wrong assumption maybe because I would say
By far the majority of guys that sign up to my coaching have the goal of
(13:26):
Dating around a bit not instantly looking for the one
Like they want to find something a really high quality woman to settle down with and
For all those guys that already had a long relationship, you know, they want that again, but better
But they're not in a rush and they're fine just having some adventures first
Yeah, so sleeping around until they find someone that's really good
(13:49):
That's what most of my clients want. Of course. I've also coached guys
The really smaller amount that just wants
Flirt hookups and that type of stuff and usually I would say they are a bit younger. Yeah
Fair enough as well
No, I'm thinking you said is it because the intention of the guys that already had a relationship that they have better results
(14:14):
I think it is because if you've already had a longer relationship
Unless you've done completely horribly, but you have at least some experience with women you understand them a bit better
You know, you've been around the block
Whereas if it's a guy that never had any success they
Yeah, they don't have a clue how
How women work how they think a bit differently how they feel a bit differently and so on and so on
(14:41):
You know with
One thing that I'm always talking about in my coaching is the understanding part. I think it's a toughest part to learn
The toughest pillar
You know, you there's teasing and leading and blah blah blah. There's everything and one of them is understanding
And that one mostly comes by gathering more experience and you get it over time
(15:04):
So guys that have already been with some girls or have been in a long relationship
They're understanding
Is just way higher than the guy that has no understanding at all
So when I look back to the start of my journey, I had pretty much no understanding at all until I was 23 years
And by understanding just for clarification here, you mean understanding
(15:24):
Women or understanding the opposite sex rather than understanding women understanding things in relation to women understanding
The current situation you're in at any point with a woman
And only when you understand where you stand what the vibe or what the current situation is with the girl you're interacting with
Like by correctly understanding
That situation can you make the right move? Yeah
(15:49):
So that's why I think single dads divorced fathers that come for coaching
That's why I think they do so well because at least they understand the way more than the average guy
And if you and you have a good relationship
Yeah, and if and you know, I mean there's so many variables, right?
They've figured out a bit more who they are in life
(16:12):
than a younger dude who's
Maybe never really
Maybe they've never even sit still for
One minute and ask themselves like hey, who am I? What do I want? Yeah, what are my beliefs?
Generally speaking the older guy has it figured out a bit better. I
Was thinking
Yeah, almost all guys think they can win a fight and seduce a girl
(16:38):
That made me think you
said at the start of this
Podcast that you always believed if you wanted a girl you could get her
Yeah, it's something. Why did you start learning the whole
Pickup thing then so maybe let me first explain why I had this belief and I think when I was young I
(17:02):
I mean I was
For a large majority raised by my mom and my mom and her friends would always, you know how moms say oh, you're so good-looking
You're so blah blah blah, but I think that's where my belief came from that. I'm good-looking and I knew I was so good-looking
I think I was so good-looking and I think I was so good-looking and I think I was so good-looking
And I knew I was tall so of course everyone was like oh, I'm really tall right for people who don't know me
(17:28):
I'm yeah, and there is no video here is voice only people don't even know that you're naked right now true true
But are you six four six four? Yeah, why you're held on 195?
Hey there goes all your credibility everyone listening now is like okay disregard everything that this guy says
Yeah, fair enough
(17:48):
This is where all the best that's where this that's where where I'm going now because you know, that's what
Objectively people tell you yeah, you're tall you're good-looking come from a good family
So I thought hey I'm smart so I thought hey of course girls like me that was my belief
But then every time I liked a girl when I was a teenager
She didn't really like me back
(18:08):
They would always end up with my friends or with one of the guys from the group and not with me so
So that that in and of itself was not enough to challenge my belief that's crazy which is interesting
So in game terminology you had a really strong frame
I had a very strong frame
and
I I think that also came from me living in this disney dream of
(18:34):
Thinking that there's the right one at some point and then every time it didn't work with a girl
I was kind of telling myself. I was just not the right one
And there was also part of me thinking ah, she did like me, but then I fucked it up
You know not thinking ah, she didn't even like me, but it was more. She liked me
But I fucked it up with something I did or said so I always thought oh, I could change it
(18:55):
Which was pretty good because that came in handy later when I actually had to
Learn how to be more charismatic more fun to be around and all of these things
So that's that's where I came from and then I had a very long relationship when I was quite young like from from 18 to 23
and
(19:15):
long story short when I started meeting girls again, I had
I was somewhat confident so I approached I think two or three girls
Back then before learning about all of this dating stuff
And one of them invited me to come to a party and I thought she liked me
(19:35):
So I went there. I really liked her. I was really crushing on her was super excited
And then while we were at the party, I could literally feel her losing interest for me throughout the evening
It was super strange and then at 3 a.m. She asked me if I wanted to come to a club with her and her friends
So we went there just me
One gay guy and five or six girls
So we went to this club and outside the club
(19:57):
Waiting in the queue some guy joined us and it was this
Like I mean now it's fashionable again. But back then it wasn't really you know a DDesk jacket
Gold necklace and I was like a law student in my shirt and everything dressed nicely and then this
Kind of almost low social class kind of guy what it seemed to me came
(20:17):
He was super friendly but he was kind of a dick and then we went into the club and
Can I interrupt? Yeah, it's so funny because
Everyone listening must be like here's this
Properly dressed law student that felt her interest fade overnight
There was still enough to be asked to join to the club
(20:38):
Then this guy joins that you just introduced as kind of a dick who's has this
Yeah more bad boy
Clothes and everyone already knows he's going to take your girl
Yeah, and he was really it was very interesting and man the crazy thing is that was
(21:01):
It's like 14 years ago and I can vividly remember it like I can really picture it in my head
I remember talking to this guy. He was super like he was a dick kind of his vibe was like
A dick, you know what I mean?
Right, but he was super friendly, you know, he offered me gum
We're just talking he was just a friendly guy and then we go into the club
(21:22):
And I go to the bathroom and when I come back so literally five minutes after we come in
I see her leaning against a wall and his both hands to the left and the right of her face touching the wall
and like kind of blocking her
And like trying to make out with her and she slightly turned her face away and I remember thinking like what a dick
And then they were making out and that was it and I was like what the fuck's happening
(21:46):
I couldn't really couldn't process what happened and then I was is that the moment that
Fueled you to learn this this shit. Well, that was the moment where
I felt so bad
Like I back then I didn't drink alcohol. I probably hadn't drank alcohol for five years
And I couldn't process what had happened
So I went to the bar and all the time I was like
(22:08):
I was like I almost like had like a panic kind of feeling like what the fuck's happening
Then I had a drink and then I walked home
Which was like a 45 minute walk or something and I lied in bed and I
Couldn't like I couldn't sleep and then I fell asleep and slept for like
Two hours and then I woke up at 6 30 so I decided to go to the gym and I just had this like I was confused
(22:29):
So I went to the gym
And then I came home and I sat in front of my computer and I was like
Went on Google and I was like I have to find out like
What happened and I googled something like
I don't really remember what it was but something like why would a girl choose a guy over somebody else or something?
(22:49):
and
Then I was
Committed to never experience that feeling again of
Losing quote unquote losing. I mean, I never you know, you never own someone. I never had a girlfriend
own someone I never
Had any right to her
But I was just so confused because in my mind I was like
(23:09):
The perfect guy, you know that every girl should be with but then
That was the first day that I realized or the first time it became conscious to me that well
Every time I wanted a girl something like that happened, you know, and then I just always justified it or rationalized it away in the past
But a lot of the time I would meet a girl I would like her and then I would somehow fuck it up
(23:31):
And that was the first time where it really became conscious to me because I had this comparison to
Or it was not just me because this other guy obviously managed to
quote unquote get her
So I knew oh there was something I did wrong and I need to find out what it is. It's a golden necklace
Yeah, the golden necklace and the Adidas jacket
(23:55):
Um, I mean, I know now
I know a lot about what I did wrong nowadays, right? And it was had nothing to do with the guide was all about
She already completely lost interest in me by the time we were going to the nightclub. She was just being nice
Yeah, and invited me and funny funny side story here
I
(24:15):
like two or three years ago I
I've tried to find a picture of this girl
I can barely remember what she looks like but I was like
I went on like google her and then found her on linkedin and sent her like a bit creepy because it's linkedin
But I sent her a
Connection request and you know in my mind this was like a huge event in my life, you know like really
(24:36):
Changed the course of my life. Oh, yeah kind of thing and I'm pretty sure I told you this story
so I added her on linkedin and
I don't remember how it was but we exchanged like one or two messages and she's like
I'm do I know you and I'm like, yeah, we we studied together in
blah blah
City and she just didn't remember me
(24:59):
She's like I was just some like for her it just didn't play any role
She probably forgot me after six months, but it's so crazy that even seeing my name and my picture. She doesn't remember me
Yeah, that is crazy. Hey, actually I really like that how
How certain events as you said for you it's life altering. Yeah, like that had probably
(25:22):
Top three biggest effects on your life
Yeah, at least top five
Because for for the listeners that don't know
um, you coach
At my boot camps you've coached for yourself as like a side
hobby almost
To summarize things really
It's really funny to hear this story because
(25:46):
I know you as I always say there's I've never met anyone that is better at
Getting girls or whatever flirting in any sort of night setting in the club
I can just not picture a scenario where some other dude will come over and
Talk to a girl and she'll be more interested in him
(26:06):
Than you and walk off with him or so like it. I've never seen it
So it's really interesting to hear this story very funny
And it's funny how to you it was such a big deal and then you learned all that stuff and then well you became who you are
And she just has no recollection that you even exist. Yeah
(26:29):
It's crazy
It's also interesting. I think this is also the same thing when we do approaches and then we're like
Oh, we're so worried about people like you go talk to a girl and you're so worried what she thinks but
Most likely two days later. She will not remember you, you know, if it goes bad, yeah, who cares
That's really the same same
Yeah train of thought or same line of thought
(26:52):
Well, man, I really liked the story and there was so many things that I wanted to say
But I just wanted to let you finish your story and of course I can't remember everything I wanted to say
Very funny
I'm imagining you oh, I remember now what I wanted to say
oops
Thanks so much. Cappuccino. There was a big burp coming up, but
(27:14):
to me it sounded like
So you you said you had a bit of a panic attack come up
So you went to grab a drink and try to process things and then you went home
And then you couldn't sleep and then you woke up again and you couldn't sleep and you went to the gym with your heart racing
Yeah, I wonder
If all of that was from the intense emotion of the girl that you have a massive crush on is
(27:36):
in front of your eyes stolen by someone else and now you're
Let's say angry or sad probably
It almost sounded more like what I think
And it looks like you'll agree. But what I think happened is
It's just your reality changed
Like you always hearing you always thinking I can get any girl and I'm a smart and
(28:00):
Good-looking guy was reaffirmed a million times by your mom and all her friends
And you always had this belief I can get any girl or if I can't then you know, she was just not the one or maybe I made a mistake
But it sounds like that night
Yeah, the way you
Saw the world just completely changed because everything that happened was not in line with all your beliefs
(28:27):
Yeah, that is very possible. And then you have a bit of yeah, you have like
Anxiety come up or a bit of a crisis and you're just like
Wait
The world is not how I thought it was. Yeah, it's true. I haven't seen it like that. It's for sure. It was not the sadness that
She went for the other guy that was probably played a very minor role
(28:49):
It was more this
Realization that I did
Somehow fucked this up
And I was like, hey, I this girl invited me
Or basically we to give some more context to this
I asked her out and then we had a date a week before and she cancelled on me and then she texted me
A couple days later and invited me to this
(29:11):
To this party with her. So she invited me so she was at least that's what I was thinking back then she must have been
Into me. Yeah, she was excited to I could feel I remember feeling throughout the evening
How she lost interest and then this guy probably if this guy hadn't shown up
I had somehow I would have somehow rationalized it away
But the fact that this guy then showed up and showed me what was possible where I was that should have been me
(29:38):
That that's what my thought was that should have been me. Why does she choose this dick over me?
It's something that I must have done like something must be because I was like I was thinking she invited me
So the baseline should have been
Just like if I hadn't fucked it up, it should have worked out
But there's something that went wrong
(29:59):
Because of that she ended up with the other guy and that shattered my reality and it was like the first time that I realized that
Okay, I guess something I'm doing is just wrong
Yeah, but I like it so much. It's so much like a movie script
That would be one of the initial amount with stories like this
I think about the movie limitless where the guy's life is in complete shit
And then he starts taking his drug that activates 100% of his brain instead of five and everything goes right
(30:24):
Well, for sure hopped when I found out where to get these pills that also really changed my life
No, but it's like the start of the movie
Yeah, there's a little bit of hope boom. It goes to shit. You feel horrible. You can't sleep panic
And then you're that you're sitting there in front of your computer and you're just like wait a minute
Yeah, there is a way and then the journey starts the hero journey starts. Yeah
(30:48):
Hey, you know what would also be really interesting
I think especially for people and people listening to this that wants to get better with girls
You said that you know exactly all the things you did wrong now, right? Obviously in hindsight, could you could you
list some some things that you did
Something that you did that caused the girl to lose interest and maybe some things that the other guy did that caused her to gain interest in him
(31:13):
Yeah
So
The biggest thing I would say that I did wrong and that goes hand in hand with what you said earlier about understanding
so back then
I thought
That all I needed to do is tell the girl
How great what a great guy I am so basically this girl didn't know much about me, right?
(31:36):
All she knew is I had approached this girl. I walked up to her. I somehow without
Having learned about any of this. I saw this girl and I went up to her and approach her
That's already crazy, right? Who the fuck does that? Well, that's a funny story in and of itself
So it's like way crazy like way longer, but I don't want to get into that. No, basically
I I had approached her
(31:59):
and
We didn't know much about each other. We had been texting a bit. That's it
And then I came to this party with her at her friends house
It was just a small party like 10 people or whatever 15 people
And at the party when we were talking almost the entire time was just me
telling her about myself just what
(32:20):
The dating world would be called qualifying, you know, I just telling her how cool I am how I do this how I do that
What I'm planning to do with my life how I want to have kids and like, you know, like all of this very serious
almost boring conversation about how great a guy I am and
First of all the conversation I was having with her was not fun at all
(32:40):
It was just an exchange of boring information coupled with me
Trying to seem cool or bragging about
About myself and it was not just with her also her friends that talked with me had it was similar
It's like all her friends that talked to me just walked away like almost like I wouldn't say discussed but like
The fuck is this guy kind of thing
(33:02):
And I didn't ask her much about her the only things I asked about her is like what she's like
Interested like what she wants to do for what she does for work or what her career plans are
It's just very boring conversation. So I think it was not fun
To talk to me or to hang out with me. I was
Trying to prove what a cool guy I am why I'm worthy of
(33:25):
dating or whatever
and
Then the third thing that I thought of immediately is
Not making a move and then on the other end was this
The other guy the other guy came to this club
I don't know how they met right. It could have been that she already knew him before
They might even have hooked up before I don't really know right. I don't know the context
(33:47):
But he came he was the kind of guy that doesn't really give a shit about what other people think
But at the same time he was very very friendly. That was the
The contrast I was trying to portray earlier. He was kind of a dick from the vibe he gave off, but he was very
Charming is probably the right word right. He offered like I still remember him
Just grabbing gum taking one and then offering gum to everyone which I didn't expect from him
(34:11):
I would have thought he's a guy that just makes makes it less for you
Makes it harder for you to really hate him or yeah, exactly for the girl. Yeah, so
He was kind of like just being himself
He was kind of nice to be around
Like I would say just vibe wise. He had a pretty
(34:33):
Nice vibe and he was not like in contrast to me
He was not trying to impress anybody or trying to be cool or
Trying to come across a certain way. He was just like enjoying himself having fun
And then he just also made a move right when he saw the opportunity just went for it
He's not like oh, I'm because I had no clue so I like just
(34:54):
Let's think this through if this all of this hadn't happened and the girl had
Asked me or I had asked her out on a second date. I don't even know if I would have made a move
like I don't know because back then I was like
I have no idea like I don't even know how to do these things right so maybe I would have made a move
Maybe I would have gone on three dates and then nothing would have happened because I
(35:15):
Didn't make a move and this guy just went for it and was very leading and just going for what he wants and
Okay with maybe the girl not liking it. He didn't do anything like
Completely out of the ordinary or inappropriate or anything
Yeah, and that's the biggest difference between him and me. It was almost like
Two I don't want to say extremes, but two opposite ends on the scale
(35:38):
Yeah, and I'm pretty sure if we met this guy like this guy back then if he came in right now
We'll probably get along with him pretty well. Like he was like a cool fun guy
Yeah, it seems like he was just quite authentic being himself
Yeah, authentic and understanding
Of the other people around him, which I did not have at all back then
(36:02):
I was very
I don't want to call it self-absorbed, but I thought that
All that matters to other people is me telling them how
They're needing to know how great I am or whatever like blah blah
So funny. How many girls had you been with at that point?
(36:23):
I think just two just the girl I had been dating my girlfriend at the time
That I had been with for a few years and before that I think I was with two girls maybe
I mean, yeah one or two
Makes a lot of sense
(36:44):
Here's this guy that's been with two girls the other day
I think I was dating with two girls the other day
Makes a lot of sense. Here's this guy that's been with two girls thinks he's the complete shit
Goes to a club does everything wrong, but it probably
You only halfly realized
This actually cooler guy that you then just perceived as a prick
(37:06):
Which must be relatable for people listening to for a lot of them that wanted to do better with dating, right?
It's one of these
You've heard in a million time. Why does she always go for the asshole?
Well plot twist most cases he was not an asshole. You just perceived him that way, but actually you were the asshole or at least
A loser or not a cool guy not not with the right intentions anyway
(37:26):
But that's another discussion
But this guy comes along takes your girl your reality shattered you go home you crawl in front of your computer and
Yeah, then you became
Whatever you are now
Which is at least one percent cooler
Hopefully point one percent
(37:48):
and
You have a fight coming up soon
Kickboxing fights so now you can actually win fights and get girls. Phew
Let's see about the winning the fight. I would be nice, but I'm already happy to just fucking do it
I'm so scared in a way not actually scared like I was last year, but
(38:09):
yeah
I am
Also, I'm excited about it. Good luck in the fight
And see you soon
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