January 20, 2025 • 34 mins
Re-entering the dating scene? It can be daunting, unpredictable, and even frustrating at times. In this episode, Bryan shares how he transformed from newly divorced to the confident, self-assured man who calls the shots and chooses his connections on his terms. We dive into relatable challenges and surprising lessons that can transform your approach to relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to another episode of what your dad didn't teach you today.
(00:03):
Very special guest and his name is Brian.
It's nice to meet you.
Brian, nice to meet you.
I've already known you for a couple of years.
That's very true.
It's been three, three almost four years now.
But the guy listening to this might not know you.
So I'll give you a quick introduction.
Brian was a client of mine three or four years ago, did a bunch of coaching,
(00:25):
learned a lot and we became friends.
Totally.
And that's why right now we're recording this in New York City.
Yeah, and a beautiful apartment penthouse overlooking the me.
Me humble, Brian, because guys were recording this in Brian's place.
I'm visiting him and to set the stage.
(00:45):
There's a nice heart.
Heart.
What do you call a fireplace?
Heart.
Heartworks.
Yeah, it's cozy.
We have some red light.
It's about what is it?
Like 10 30 p.m.
Last fireplace.
And we're going to talk about dating.
I think Brian, what is interesting for guys that will listen to this, you and I
have talked about dating so much over the last three, four years.
(01:07):
And not often when I talk about dating so much with someone, do I still find
myself learning new things with you?
It's the case.
That is nice.
I feel like I still keep learning new things from talking about dating with you.
And I think it's because you have such an interesting life that is so different
(01:27):
from most guys's lives.
Yeah.
Yeah, my life is weird in a good way.
But yeah, it's fun.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll give it a little bit more context.
Brian runs a business very successfully, has a bunch of employees.
You know, you make a good living and you are you are actually the guy that all
the little salty haters would say girls only want status and money.
(01:51):
And you are proving that that's not right.
No, I got divorced four years ago, was married for like 13.
So I got thrown into the dating world with like no, no real experience.
Right.
And yeah, I mean, I've been very blessed.
My life has given me a lot.
(02:11):
And first I thought, oh, shit, this is going to be easy.
Right.
That's what they teach you growing up.
Right.
That's like, you have success.
And of course, other things will be easy.
And when I actually got back out into dating that was not the case,
like I don't want to be wrong.
There's there's advantages, right?
(02:33):
Things like you can hire Louis to help coach you.
That's obviously an advantage.
But the reality is when you're you're sitting on a date, trying to flirt or
trying to have a good time by flirting or bant or whatnot, you know, no amount of
wealth or whatever is going to help you be able to tease the right way.
Yeah, very true.
(02:53):
The funny part is that some guys think as soon as the girl knows that you have
the world, it's game over.
She wants it and she's hooked, attracted by default.
No, and that's that's that's farthest from the truth, at least in my experience,
where where sure, there's there it's most definitely an advantage in that it's
(03:13):
an attractive trait, but it's just one of many different things that you need
in order to actually be successful in dating and in building relationships.
And so success.
No, if that's the only thing you have, then women will not be attracted to you.
And if they are, they're not attracted to you for with something that is actually
(03:37):
long lasting.
Like if they want you to spoil them and all this other bullshit, they're not
actually attracted to you.
They're just attracted to what they can get from you.
And that does not last from from from what I can tell.
Yeah.
Hey, to make the listeners hate you a little bit more.
Let's just put you're a wealthy guy, but you're not just that you're also six
(03:59):
four.
Yeah, I've been very blessed in my life.
Yeah.
And you're also good looking.
Well, to be fair, like, yeah, the height was most definitely like I got that
genetically and there's a lot of things genetically.
I was very blessed, but when when right before I got divorced, I was like 150
pounds.
And so since getting divorced, I did a lot of work to actually look good.
(04:24):
And I added about 35 pounds worth of muscle through diet and exercise and
proper form at the gym and other things like that.
Yeah, that's an inside.
You guys, Brian has horrible.
Brian's one of these guys that just like pushes much weight as possible.
And then you can tell people that you pushed that weight, but his form is
horrendous.
(04:44):
But let's not get caught up on that.
That'll be an endless debate.
I think it's funny because anyone that has no experience dating and especially
someone who's doing bad will think what the fuck is wrong with this guy.
Six four, wealthy and also muscular, good looking.
How, how would you not be able to get to snag any 10 on the planet?
(05:06):
Well, because dating is all about emotions and it's all like in relationships
are all about emotions.
I remember learning like one of the number one rules is like, don't be
boring and that's all based on emotion.
So it doesn't matter how tall you are or how much money you have or any of that
other type of stuff.
If you, if you really want to like attract and and have that spark of
(05:29):
chemistry and fun and all of that, it's, it's all based on all the different
attraction that you, that all those skills that you learned from doing
something like text God.
And so it's not, it's not about wealth or height.
And again, like there's advantages.
Like when I'm tall and I walk up and I hug a girl and she just like folds
into my chest.
Yeah, of course.
That's insanely powerful.
(05:51):
But that's something that it's an addition to not, not a core requirement
of being witty and being able to spar with her and tease her, but then also
being able to make her feel comfortable.
That's, that's the name of the game.
It's not being six four.
Yeah.
So interesting.
Whenever this discussion comes up, I think of another client that I have
(06:14):
who's wildly successful business wise and he's better looking than you.
Super good looking, wealthy guy.
And I'll never forget what he told me the first time we had contact.
He was like, women come up to me, they tell me how good looking I am.
And now I look like a celebrity.
I have every super car that exists in my garage, but two minutes into any
(06:35):
conversation, the woman walks off because she's just bored.
Yeah.
And that's happened to me plenty of times when I again, after I got back into
dating right after I got divorced, I actually was really frustrated.
I was like, what the fuck?
Like, like if you go right down on a piece of paper, it's like, that's what
they should be attracted to.
(06:56):
And so what is that then?
What is what would you write on that piece of paper?
Like a tall, good looking, athletic, successful, like kind and caring and
emotionally intelligent and all these things, which are very valuable traits
just to be crystal clear.
But one of the big eye openers was that that's for like later on.
(07:16):
Like that makes you a great boyfriend, husband, all of that.
But so much of the initial phase of the of dating and building relationships
is all about don't be boring.
Like you got to you got to have fun and be playful and flirt with the world.
And so when I, again, when I was getting into the dating role, there was a
(07:37):
period of just super frustration where I was like, what the fuck?
Like, like, I know I'm a really good partner and I'm not getting the chance
to actually do that because I can't figure out the beginning of dating,
which was very humbling, which was really annoying.
I normally I learned things really fast and in dating, it took me a while
(07:59):
and it was actually very frustrating.
And it's again, it's because it's not how my brain thinks.
It's about being playful.
It's about being fun.
And I'm most definitely more of an analytical person.
Yeah.
Yeah, you definitely are very much a logical thinker.
But I think this is interesting, right?
I think that's a frustration a lot of guys have.
It's like, hey, I know I would be a good partner, but I don't get a chance
(08:19):
to show anyone that I am and it must be something that I'm not.
I am and it must be so frustrating.
If only you could do step one, two, three that you can't figure out,
then you can be really good at four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
But those first few steps are just not working.
What would you say for you was the how how how could you not get to step four,
(08:43):
five, six?
You already said it.
You were too boring.
The biggest hang up for me was learning how to change the way that I was thinking,
right? Like I was attacking the problem, even describing it that way,
attacking the problem was like it was something to be solved.
And so the biggest thing for me was realizing to like back up and just relax
(09:08):
and say, hey, this is supposed to be a fun, good thing.
And it's it's supposed to be playful.
It's supposed to be finding like a partner that you're going to enjoy yourself with,
not just a partner that is quote unquote good.
And a lot of the big takeaways that I have over the last three years, four years,
is just learning how to be more playful in life.
(09:30):
And honestly, this has been outside of dating and building a relationship that
it's helpful that I just look at life in a more through a more playful lens.
And it's helpful.
But yeah, that those first couple of steps, it's like it's it's all about teasing
and laughing and just having a good time versus like you're my soulmates and we're
(09:53):
perfect and we're going to be together forever and all yada, yada, yada.
It's like there's just way too much fucking pressure.
It's just like seriously, it's like day one.
Oh, Jesus, like there was a girl that was texting right before the day she asked
four questions, just like, yo, just yeah, just like, Jesus, wait, way too much.
Like, oh my gosh, are we like, are we getting married tomorrow?
(10:16):
Like, like, no.
And now it's funny because I'm further along and I understand.
And now I'm on the side of like, whoa, like, no, we don't we don't need to get
married tomorrow.
Well, let's actually share this story because that's interesting for the listener
to and it's what you just said.
Now you're further along and you can laugh at the situation.
But if this exact thing would have happened four years ago, you would have
(10:37):
been frustrated out of your mind, right?
You're so close to the date.
And then and I'll just guys, I'll share with you what happened.
But we then takes the one thing and she's like, bye, unmatches, boom, gone.
Even though the date was supposed to happen today.
Yeah, yeah, actually it was today.
So let's share what happened.
Brian had a date set up through Hinge and seemed like a really quality girl.
(11:02):
Works at a very famous, very smart people firm.
And she's very beautiful, too, voluptuous software engineer.
Yeah, great commonalities.
And there's the great commonalities.
And so the date was going and she was really responsive, really receptive in the text.
The date supposed to happen today.
(11:23):
And then suddenly before the date, this woman was also Eastern European,
which explains a bit more.
She's like, hey, I got a few questions and lists for questions.
I was like, one, do you smoke weed or do any other drugs?
Two, do you believe in God?
Three, what was number three?
You want to get married?
Do you want to get married?
(11:45):
And number four, do you go to the gym?
Yeah, yeah.
And it was to me, it's so funny because I would think that in the process of getting to know someone,
you figure out all these things first.
And then if you like what you hear or what you see, then you set up a date.
This woman set up a date so that means that you carve time out of your schedule to actually meet her.
(12:07):
And then the day of the date, a few hours before, she comes with these extra questions.
Right? Of course, you could argue, oh, well, you didn't play the game, right?
You should have already given her all that information so that she's super safe, feeling super safe.
Believe in God.
That's I mean, come on, these are like deep, some of these are deep questions.
Like you're not talking about God on a hinge conversation.
(12:28):
Like, yeah, it was too much.
I guess if it is so important to her, then she should just only like profiles that have it on the profile, you know.
Yeah, that's a fair point.
But either way, you then answered those four questions and she replied, those are good answers.
Like, I like your answers or something like that.
I like your answers or those are good answers.
(12:49):
And then the date was going to go on.
Funnily enough, there's one more text exchange in which she describes herself as a girlie.
That's the word she used, girlie.
And then you said, hey, I'm excited to see you in a few hours.
Wear something girlie, right?
Yeah.
And she says, I wear whatever the hell I want by boom, a match before you could write a response.
(13:15):
I'm there and we're like, what the hell?
Because we were thinking of telling her, yeah, you know, you do you wear what you want, of course,
but you just described yourself as very girly.
So wearing something girlie would only be you being yourself.
It's not like us really telling you to not be yourself or do this specific thing.
It's more like, oh, nice.
Yeah, show up that way.
(13:36):
Well, I mean, I love when girls dress girly.
So of course she's saying she's girly and then it's like, yeah, dress girly.
That's, that's, I mean, it's just a good thing.
But yeah, she apparently did not like that and decided to cancel the date.
Literally like two hours, three hours before and that's, that's fine.
(13:58):
But yeah, it's crazy.
You know, three years ago, I would have been stressing out over this, like, what the fuck?
I messed it up.
Like, she's like, we had commonalities and she's probably really smart and all this other shit.
And like, oh my gosh.
And now it's just something you just laugh about.
She doesn't know how to date at all.
And she's, you know, she.
(14:20):
So that's interesting, right?
First of all, well, I agree with everything you just said that you that when you're not
good at dating and you don't have any options, that's a painful thing.
And your self-esteem is so low that you're like, damn, I must have done something wrong.
I probably really shouldn't have said that.
And now it's just like, whoa, it's kind of a bullet that we dodged kind of a red flag.
(14:41):
And time saves and you're happy about it and you can laugh.
Yeah. And I get to do this podcast.
And we get to do this podcast.
Yeah, which is much more fun than the date ironically, because she would have probably
been grilling me about religious beliefs or how many whatever craziness bullshit.
I don't know.
(15:01):
And again, because she she is just not good at dating.
And she'll probably, you know, it's really sad that those that don't actually learn
these skills, they aren't able to form and find the relationships that they want.
And so like, I kind of feel bad for her because she probably really wants someone.
But she's scared away.
(15:22):
I mean, I don't fully know.
Right. I don't know the woman.
But I'm assuming that I'm not the first person that she has.
That was the right word.
You know, scared away in this way.
Probably.
You know what is interesting?
Because we didn't talk about it, right?
She works at this.
Everyone knows this.
(15:43):
You just cannot work there if you're not probably sort of brilliant and a very hard
worker, that's a competitive environment.
And so we were thinking, how can and of course I'm making a generalization guys,
take this with a grain of salt.
But how can you really be feminine if you are surviving and thriving in such a
(16:04):
competitive environment where it's mostly men, right?
Yeah.
I mean, men or women can can survive and thrive in that area.
Right.
Like in my work, I have a lot of women that I count on and they're freaking amazing.
So just just to be crystal clear, like anyone can accomplish and do that.
However, that being said, you have to form personality traits that are most
(16:31):
definitely way more masculine, way more competitive, way more aggressive,
way more hardcore, and that completely kills a lot of the feminine traits of
sweet and kind and caring.
Like when you're when you're fighting for the life of a business or something,
or you're fighting over a deal, the land, you're not sweet and kind and caring.
(16:52):
You're competitive, aggressive and you'll do what it takes to win.
And so yes, women can do that.
But the problem is that and this again, true for men too, the problem is that you
then sacrifice some of the other traits because you can't be aggressive and
competitive and then also sweet at the same time.
It's it's oil and water.
And sure, the best of the best type people can be able to switch that flip,
(17:16):
but it's extremely rare.
And so with her, yes, she's smart.
She works at this very competitive firm, but then she comes out and she's also
I'm gruely and it's like, well, I don't I don't fully know.
And then of course, with just how quickly she killed the interaction and other
things, it's just a very, yeah, aggressive move, honestly.
And it's like, OK, well, I mean, if that's what makes her happy, that's what
(17:39):
makes her happy, but I don't think it will in the long on the long run.
Well, nicely put.
And I think that's what you're looking for, right?
Ideally, you get that smart person that can handle herself in such,
let's say that corporate world, but at the same time, she can be the super
nurturing, caring woman.
(17:59):
And that's a rare one that has the both.
Yeah, well, I mean, smart is possible on both sides, right?
So you can be smart and caring and also smart and competitive.
Like smart is true across both areas where the oil and water comes from,
like the competitive, aggressive versus the sweet and caring, like the sweet
and caring. And then you go to competitive competitive, you're supposed to like
(18:21):
destroy the other person, right?
Where sweet and caring is supposed to take care of the other person.
So it's not the intelligence thing.
That's actually the oil and water.
You again, like my sister is absolutely amazing.
The best people I know, and she's insanely smart and insanely caring.
And so that's not the difference.
(18:42):
But what I'm looking for, and it's really cool.
I'm very lucky.
I'm very blessed to have been able to put myself in this situation to actually
learn all of this because originally I didn't know what I wanted and I would
have settled way less. But now that I've been able to meet so many other women,
I've been able to see the different spectrum.
(19:02):
And that sweet and kind and caring is so incredibly valuable and important and
just makes my life significantly better that I am.
I'm happy.
Makes any guy significantly better, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
And there's there really, there truly is like a ying to the yank when it comes to
like male female dynamics.
(19:24):
And it can even be reversed if, well, I don't know if I fully believe that.
But like there is this dynamics, right?
Where they're supposed to be, you know, different aspects of the relationship.
You don't have two very competitive, aggressive people in the same relationship.
Those relationships fell.
They, you know, they're butting heads all the time.
(19:46):
You know, you fight all the time.
It's sure you may have some passion and nights and shit like that, but it's not,
it's not healthy or good in the long run.
And that's what's again, when I go back and I look at this or look at my own life
over the last three years, I've actually been able to look and go, OK,
what do I truly want?
And I've learned that that sweet and kind and compassionate and caring,
(20:10):
I don't need a competitive person.
I don't need an aggressive person.
I don't need, you know, I need someone that compliments my weaknesses,
which is the sweet and kind and caring, even though I'm a fairly caring person.
But still, I'll never be as caring as some of the women I've met.
And those that compliment my weaknesses allow me to compliment their weaknesses.
(20:30):
And that's that's honestly what a partnership should be, is we help each other out.
And if I can oversimplify that complimenting each other's weaknesses,
that is you being masculine and her being feminine.
Yeah, well, so in my in my situation, yes, because I think in almost anyone's situation,
in almost anyone's, but at the same time, I mean, there's a lot of men out there
(20:53):
that need to actually step up and actually take that on.
Like, right?
Like, you can't expect your woman to be sweet and kind and caring.
And then you be a little wuss that doesn't doesn't play your portion of it.
And so for me, so I'm kind of interested because there's some aspects of of it
that I am very masculine.
(21:13):
And then there's some aspects that honestly, I'm feminine that I've had to learn.
And it's like, well, is that what I actually want to be?
We saw over those.
Where were you feminine?
Not setting boundaries appropriate, although to be fair, that might not be feminine.
Like so, like not like shying away from conflict or conflict avoidance, conflict avoidance.
(21:33):
Yeah, where I'm trying to people please and trying to be like, no, it's OK.
It's OK. Even though inside for me, it was like, it's killing me.
But it's like, no, OK, my partner, you can you can get away with this bullshit.
And it's OK. I'm just trying to like, we just need to have peace in the house.
It's bullshit. And that's, you know, that's that's honestly, as I'm saying,
(21:56):
that's not healthy no matter what, whether masculine or feminine.
But I just wasn't I wasn't strong enough.
I wasn't willing to stand up for my for myself or my thoughts or what not.
And that is not masculine at all.
You know, very much true.
I think that's a problem for most not most guys, a lot of guys that struggle
(22:18):
with dating me, much like one of the co-founders of Tex God, both conflict avoidance,
kind of not setting enough boundaries.
And well, luckily, it's something that you can learn.
There was something that I wanted to say when you were holding your whole speech.
I forgot what it was, but that'll allow me to go back even more.
This woman, this date that flaked, quote unquote, on you today.
(22:42):
It's to me, it's crazy that she got pissed off that we were like, hey,
wear something girly.
And then she's like, fuck you, gone, I wear whatever I want by.
So that is, let's not get into too much detail there, but it's not really a healthy way
of reacting to that.
And I want to compare it to another date that you had set up.
(23:02):
There was a woman and at one point in the conversation, you also offended her a
little bit accidentally, it was some sort of joke that she took as it being a joke
at the expense of women in general.
And but yeah, but I love there's a really good lesson here because that was not
first of all, that was not a joke.
(23:23):
I don't want to see him like an ass here.
But so that was not a joke.
She sort of took it that way.
But what was very interesting is that this woman was like, hey, she communicated
that I don't find really funny because it sounds like this.
And then you can go, oh, sorry, that's not how I meant it.
And it was just briefly talked about, even though it's on hinge.
(23:43):
And then the conversation went on.
The difference between how that girl handles something that she didn't like
and the other one is, well, it's way more mature and healthy.
But it's also, I think, more feminine than the one who's just angry, aggressive.
Bye.
But yeah, no, totally.
And it just shows a lot more emotional intelligence.
Most of the time, things are just miscommunications.
(24:06):
Like in this case, I was doing a generalization of women.
It was just a joke that was miscommunicated a little bit.
And she clarified and then I was able to, you know, or not, she didn't clarify.
She asked for clarification, basically.
And I was able to respond and let her know what I was actually trying to say.
(24:27):
And we had a great laugh with it.
And, you know, we'll be going on a date before too long.
And so with her, it worked out because she she is just a significantly better communicator
and also not nearly that again, it goes back to aggressive where she's assuming
(24:47):
the worst, which is normally just not a good thing to do regardless if you're a man or a woman.
And now, you know, things are going to work out.
Yeah.
For me, it just here during this podcast and put things in perspective,
I quickly compared those two situations that had something very similar go on.
And then you realize to me, just seeing that and having seen those chats,
(25:12):
both women are super beautiful.
And the one that got angry at us is probably way more successful
seeing where she works and stuff like career wise.
But the other one, I would give it like a 20 X value if you have, you know, 20.
Oh, yeah. No, she's she's the one that communicated well is is way more attractive,
(25:33):
like insanely more attractive behavior wise.
Not just behavior, just in every way is nothing more unattractive,
whether it's behavior, like looks or whatever.
As soon as you see a woman that looks beautiful, but she acts like that aggressive route,
it's like all of her physical looks, it's just like, no, like just like, no,
(25:54):
I mean, it's not just behavior, even though it is behavior,
it's just that can ruin the entire thing of her.
Brian, look at the boundaries she just said.
Yeah, true.
Because honestly, any guy that doesn't have the abundance yet,
he's going to swallow.
He's like, damn, she was super rude and aggressive,
but she's beautiful and I have no option.
(26:16):
So I'm just taking it.
Yeah, well, so this is this is why a lot of guys, if you're listening to this
and gals, honestly, I've seen a lot of women accept bullshit from men that they shouldn't.
And so this whole going and learning these, it's not learning dating.
I hate calling it learning dating because it sounds so fucking stupid.
It's just learning social skills and how to build relationships.
(26:41):
And honestly, it's how to build the most important relationships you'll have in your life,
which is with your, you know, significant other.
But this is why it's so important, honestly,
that the men and women go learn this because you, you need these skills
in order to have the confidence and capabilities to pick the best person for you.
(27:02):
And so like in this scenario, like, yeah, I get to pick,
I get to go for the ones that fit me best.
And then for women, they get to pick the one that fits them best.
And that's very, very, very, very healthy.
But a lot of people don't learn these skills because it's more taboo or like, like, what?
(27:23):
Like you're learning that.
And it's like, well, yeah, I am learning that because this is actually a very important thing.
And but for whatever reasons, it's taboo.
Going back to that, I think you're a real baller because you've done so well with your career.
You do have good looks and height and still your ego is not big enough.
You're like, fuck, I suck at this shit and I can't figure it out.
(27:45):
So I'm going to get a coach and learn it.
A lot of guys have an ego too big to do that.
Yeah, I mean, well, that's just fucking stupid.
I mean, how much time I've saved?
Anytime I go try to learn anything new, I find someone that knows how to do it.
Like, like in my mind, it's fucking obvious.
Like if you don't know how to do something, go find someone that knows how to do it and learn from them.
(28:08):
It's it's honestly not even about an ego thing.
It's just I mean, it's obvious.
I know in my mind, it's obvious.
I think we're dating.
It's a little bit more about an ego thing because a lot of guys believe that like if you cannot get a girl
without help from someone else and you're a loser, that's unfortunately still what a lot of guys believe.
What I wanted to say even more is what I think is respectable about you is that even though you have all these things
(28:33):
and like you still come on the podcast and you're not ashamed about it.
I asked you like, hey, do you want to come on the podcast and can people know that you took dating coaching
and you want to use your real name and you're just like, yeah, why not?
Like I'm like, I'm not doing anything wrong.
It's like it's fine.
This is how it is.
No, and I wish this was more normalized.
(28:54):
Honestly, that like again, like one of the most important, like the most important relationship you have in your life is who
like I had someone to describe it really good.
Like whoever you pick to do life with, that's like your player number two.
And I'm a huge fucking nerd.
I love video games.
Like whoever you play with in a co-op video game, you rely on them a ridiculous amount.
(29:17):
And what's the biggest video game there is?
It's fucking life.
And dating is literally picking your player number two.
And the idea that you don't go try to learn how to pick your number two is just mind boggling to me.
And I get it because I grew up and I felt all those feelings where it's like, if I can't attract a woman,
(29:39):
then like something's wrong with me.
And you know, if I ask for advice, then it's like, well, naturally, I should just be able to do it.
And all that is just complete bullshit.
It really is just bullshit.
It's a skill like anything else.
And if you practice at it and you just figure out how to be more sociable and all these other things, then the the the sky's the limits.
(29:59):
And I mean, I personally have seen what it's done for me over the last three, four years.
And it's just a night and day difference.
But yeah, again, it's like the most important relationship that you'll have in your life.
Why would you not invest time and energy into it?
It's mind boggling.
I thought that was a really beautiful speech, but I do have to say that I think the most important relationship you have in your life is with yourself.
(30:21):
We're getting deep.
Yeah, fair point.
If you don't love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to love you?
That is a very, very valid, valid, valid point.
But I believe that the second most important relationship is then the one that's going to be your partner.
Yeah.
You know what's fucked up that when you said the when you said something about the biggest game in the world or the game we're playing?
(30:42):
And my brain instantly would like World of Warcraft.
That's the best game.
And then you said it's life.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
Oh, you got to look at life like a video game.
If you if you don't, it's too stressful, you know, like if you can't if you don't look at life, like it's just some big game with, you know, like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Again, I don't I look at my life a little bit different.
(31:03):
So yeah, well, there's a lot to learn from how you look at your life because you've done you've done so well.
Hey, big B, thanks for coming here and sharing some of your wisdom.
Happy to.
I wanted to say one more thing, but I might have cut it off here.
Shake Shack.
Shake Shack.
No, I wanted to say, but maybe it's too late now.
I wanted to say, well, I'll say it anyway, maybe we can cut it.
(31:24):
One thing that maybe we didn't make clear enough is that, yes, you are now successful and tall and handsome.
But when you first came to me for coaching, I didn't know if this was going to work.
You were scrawny, had the worst fashion that I've probably ever seen.
Still kind of do.
It's getting better.
It's getting better.
But yeah, you you looked unhealthy, horrible posture, no fashion at all.
(31:50):
A horrible haircut.
I was like, what the fuck is this nerd?
I think that is important to point out because first of all, you did put a lot of efforts to turn it off.
Turn those things around.
But also, it's not like you were just born a six for giga chat.
You were born a six for giga loser.
Yeah, I mean, I hate calling it a loser.
It's just like I didn't understand the the the the not the rules to the game, but how other people saw it.
(32:20):
And so I just never ever put the energy or effort into it, not realizing that that it does actually have an impact around.
Yeah, but yeah, no, like, yeah, I was a hardcore computer nerd that played World of Warcraft all the time and didn't care about shit.
And yeah, I changed that and my life significantly better for that.
(32:41):
Yeah, and just sort of clarify.
I didn't want to say it's not like you're a loser, like you're a loser person.
I say it from the point of view.
I'm just thinking about the dating market, right?
Yeah, you were a six for but any girl would have looked at you and be like, no, sorry, he's a quote unquote loser.
Like I'm not going to date him.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, dating and all of this is it can be brutal.
(33:03):
Like you go on a dating app and if you don't have good pictures and one especially is a man, like then you don't even get you don't even get a chance.
And so yeah, all this stuff matters.
It really does matter, even if you think that it shouldn't.
It does.
And guess what?
Later on, you actually learn why it does when you have the interactions with the women and then they compliment a little thing or they compliment.
(33:26):
Like you working out or the smell of your clone or the shape of your jar or whatever, whatever it is.
Like all these little things that actually do build attraction and you get this interaction with a woman that she's really attracted to you.
That is like that's gold.
It feels so goddamn good.
And it's not it's not from like some validation bullshit.
(33:49):
It's just like actually experiencing a deep close connection with someone that's passionate.
And yeah, like it's significantly harder to be passionate about a six for World of Warcraft player that doesn't wear deodorant.
It's hunched over with glasses and all this other shit.
It's like it's just it's harder to build attraction and having very attractive relationships is ridiculously fun.
(34:13):
I was just letting you finish out of politeness.
But like this is the podcast already over.
I was going to cut that little part about you being a loser and put it a bit earlier.
But it's so nice.
Maybe we can put it in.
We'll see.
I'll try to edit this myself.
Goodbye, world.
Goodbye, world.
Welcome to another episode of what your dad didn't teach you today.
(00:03):
Very special guest and his name is Brian.
It's nice to meet you.
Brian, nice to meet you.
I've already known you for a couple of years.
That's very true.
It's been three, three almost four years now.
But the guy listening to this might not know you.
So I'll give you a quick introduction.
Brian was a client of mine three or four years ago, did a bunch of coaching,
(00:25):
learned a lot and we became friends.
Totally.
And that's why right now we're recording this in New York City.
Yeah, and a beautiful apartment penthouse overlooking the me.
Me humble, Brian, because guys were recording this in Brian's place.
I'm visiting him and to set the stage.
(00:45):
There's a nice heart.
Heart.
What do you call a fireplace?
Heart.
Heartworks.
Yeah, it's cozy.
We have some red light.
It's about what is it?
Like 10 30 p.m.
Last fireplace.
And we're going to talk about dating.
I think Brian, what is interesting for guys that will listen to this, you and I
have talked about dating so much over the last three, four years.
(01:07):
And not often when I talk about dating so much with someone, do I still find
myself learning new things with you?
It's the case.
That is nice.
I feel like I still keep learning new things from talking about dating with you.
And I think it's because you have such an interesting life that is so different
(01:27):
from most guys's lives.
Yeah.
Yeah, my life is weird in a good way.
But yeah, it's fun.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll give it a little bit more context.
Brian runs a business very successfully, has a bunch of employees.
You know, you make a good living and you are you are actually the guy that all
the little salty haters would say girls only want status and money.
(01:51):
And you are proving that that's not right.
No, I got divorced four years ago, was married for like 13.
So I got thrown into the dating world with like no, no real experience.
Right.
And yeah, I mean, I've been very blessed.
My life has given me a lot.
(02:11):
And first I thought, oh, shit, this is going to be easy.
Right.
That's what they teach you growing up.
Right.
That's like, you have success.
And of course, other things will be easy.
And when I actually got back out into dating that was not the case,
like I don't want to be wrong.
There's there's advantages, right?
(02:33):
Things like you can hire Louis to help coach you.
That's obviously an advantage.
But the reality is when you're you're sitting on a date, trying to flirt or
trying to have a good time by flirting or bant or whatnot, you know, no amount of
wealth or whatever is going to help you be able to tease the right way.
Yeah, very true.
(02:53):
The funny part is that some guys think as soon as the girl knows that you have
the world, it's game over.
She wants it and she's hooked, attracted by default.
No, and that's that's that's farthest from the truth, at least in my experience,
where where sure, there's there it's most definitely an advantage in that it's
(03:13):
an attractive trait, but it's just one of many different things that you need
in order to actually be successful in dating and in building relationships.
And so success.
No, if that's the only thing you have, then women will not be attracted to you.
And if they are, they're not attracted to you for with something that is actually
(03:37):
long lasting.
Like if they want you to spoil them and all this other bullshit, they're not
actually attracted to you.
They're just attracted to what they can get from you.
And that does not last from from from what I can tell.
Yeah.
Hey, to make the listeners hate you a little bit more.
Let's just put you're a wealthy guy, but you're not just that you're also six
(03:59):
four.
Yeah, I've been very blessed in my life.
Yeah.
And you're also good looking.
Well, to be fair, like, yeah, the height was most definitely like I got that
genetically and there's a lot of things genetically.
I was very blessed, but when when right before I got divorced, I was like 150
pounds.
And so since getting divorced, I did a lot of work to actually look good.
(04:24):
And I added about 35 pounds worth of muscle through diet and exercise and
proper form at the gym and other things like that.
Yeah, that's an inside.
You guys, Brian has horrible.
Brian's one of these guys that just like pushes much weight as possible.
And then you can tell people that you pushed that weight, but his form is
horrendous.
(04:44):
But let's not get caught up on that.
That'll be an endless debate.
I think it's funny because anyone that has no experience dating and especially
someone who's doing bad will think what the fuck is wrong with this guy.
Six four, wealthy and also muscular, good looking.
How, how would you not be able to get to snag any 10 on the planet?
(05:06):
Well, because dating is all about emotions and it's all like in relationships
are all about emotions.
I remember learning like one of the number one rules is like, don't be
boring and that's all based on emotion.
So it doesn't matter how tall you are or how much money you have or any of that
other type of stuff.
If you, if you really want to like attract and and have that spark of
(05:29):
chemistry and fun and all of that, it's, it's all based on all the different
attraction that you, that all those skills that you learned from doing
something like text God.
And so it's not, it's not about wealth or height.
And again, like there's advantages.
Like when I'm tall and I walk up and I hug a girl and she just like folds
into my chest.
Yeah, of course.
That's insanely powerful.
(05:51):
But that's something that it's an addition to not, not a core requirement
of being witty and being able to spar with her and tease her, but then also
being able to make her feel comfortable.
That's, that's the name of the game.
It's not being six four.
Yeah.
So interesting.
Whenever this discussion comes up, I think of another client that I have
(06:14):
who's wildly successful business wise and he's better looking than you.
Super good looking, wealthy guy.
And I'll never forget what he told me the first time we had contact.
He was like, women come up to me, they tell me how good looking I am.
And now I look like a celebrity.
I have every super car that exists in my garage, but two minutes into any
(06:35):
conversation, the woman walks off because she's just bored.
Yeah.
And that's happened to me plenty of times when I again, after I got back into
dating right after I got divorced, I actually was really frustrated.
I was like, what the fuck?
Like, like if you go right down on a piece of paper, it's like, that's what
they should be attracted to.
(06:56):
And so what is that then?
What is what would you write on that piece of paper?
Like a tall, good looking, athletic, successful, like kind and caring and
emotionally intelligent and all these things, which are very valuable traits
just to be crystal clear.
But one of the big eye openers was that that's for like later on.
(07:16):
Like that makes you a great boyfriend, husband, all of that.
But so much of the initial phase of the of dating and building relationships
is all about don't be boring.
Like you got to you got to have fun and be playful and flirt with the world.
And so when I, again, when I was getting into the dating role, there was a
(07:37):
period of just super frustration where I was like, what the fuck?
Like, like, I know I'm a really good partner and I'm not getting the chance
to actually do that because I can't figure out the beginning of dating,
which was very humbling, which was really annoying.
I normally I learned things really fast and in dating, it took me a while
(07:59):
and it was actually very frustrating.
And it's again, it's because it's not how my brain thinks.
It's about being playful.
It's about being fun.
And I'm most definitely more of an analytical person.
Yeah.
Yeah, you definitely are very much a logical thinker.
But I think this is interesting, right?
I think that's a frustration a lot of guys have.
It's like, hey, I know I would be a good partner, but I don't get a chance
(08:19):
to show anyone that I am and it must be something that I'm not.
I am and it must be so frustrating.
If only you could do step one, two, three that you can't figure out,
then you can be really good at four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
But those first few steps are just not working.
What would you say for you was the how how how could you not get to step four,
(08:43):
five, six?
You already said it.
You were too boring.
The biggest hang up for me was learning how to change the way that I was thinking,
right? Like I was attacking the problem, even describing it that way,
attacking the problem was like it was something to be solved.
And so the biggest thing for me was realizing to like back up and just relax
(09:08):
and say, hey, this is supposed to be a fun, good thing.
And it's it's supposed to be playful.
It's supposed to be finding like a partner that you're going to enjoy yourself with,
not just a partner that is quote unquote good.
And a lot of the big takeaways that I have over the last three years, four years,
is just learning how to be more playful in life.
(09:30):
And honestly, this has been outside of dating and building a relationship that
it's helpful that I just look at life in a more through a more playful lens.
And it's helpful.
But yeah, that those first couple of steps, it's like it's it's all about teasing
and laughing and just having a good time versus like you're my soulmates and we're
(09:53):
perfect and we're going to be together forever and all yada, yada, yada.
It's like there's just way too much fucking pressure.
It's just like seriously, it's like day one.
Oh, Jesus, like there was a girl that was texting right before the day she asked
four questions, just like, yo, just yeah, just like, Jesus, wait, way too much.
Like, oh my gosh, are we like, are we getting married tomorrow?
(10:16):
Like, like, no.
And now it's funny because I'm further along and I understand.
And now I'm on the side of like, whoa, like, no, we don't we don't need to get
married tomorrow.
Well, let's actually share this story because that's interesting for the listener
to and it's what you just said.
Now you're further along and you can laugh at the situation.
But if this exact thing would have happened four years ago, you would have
(10:37):
been frustrated out of your mind, right?
You're so close to the date.
And then and I'll just guys, I'll share with you what happened.
But we then takes the one thing and she's like, bye, unmatches, boom, gone.
Even though the date was supposed to happen today.
Yeah, yeah, actually it was today.
So let's share what happened.
Brian had a date set up through Hinge and seemed like a really quality girl.
(11:02):
Works at a very famous, very smart people firm.
And she's very beautiful, too, voluptuous software engineer.
Yeah, great commonalities.
And there's the great commonalities.
And so the date was going and she was really responsive, really receptive in the text.
The date supposed to happen today.
(11:23):
And then suddenly before the date, this woman was also Eastern European,
which explains a bit more.
She's like, hey, I got a few questions and lists for questions.
I was like, one, do you smoke weed or do any other drugs?
Two, do you believe in God?
Three, what was number three?
You want to get married?
Do you want to get married?
(11:45):
And number four, do you go to the gym?
Yeah, yeah.
And it was to me, it's so funny because I would think that in the process of getting to know someone,
you figure out all these things first.
And then if you like what you hear or what you see, then you set up a date.
This woman set up a date so that means that you carve time out of your schedule to actually meet her.
(12:07):
And then the day of the date, a few hours before, she comes with these extra questions.
Right? Of course, you could argue, oh, well, you didn't play the game, right?
You should have already given her all that information so that she's super safe, feeling super safe.
Believe in God.
That's I mean, come on, these are like deep, some of these are deep questions.
Like you're not talking about God on a hinge conversation.
(12:28):
Like, yeah, it was too much.
I guess if it is so important to her, then she should just only like profiles that have it on the profile, you know.
Yeah, that's a fair point.
But either way, you then answered those four questions and she replied, those are good answers.
Like, I like your answers or something like that.
I like your answers or those are good answers.
(12:49):
And then the date was going to go on.
Funnily enough, there's one more text exchange in which she describes herself as a girlie.
That's the word she used, girlie.
And then you said, hey, I'm excited to see you in a few hours.
Wear something girlie, right?
Yeah.
And she says, I wear whatever the hell I want by boom, a match before you could write a response.
(13:15):
I'm there and we're like, what the hell?
Because we were thinking of telling her, yeah, you know, you do you wear what you want, of course,
but you just described yourself as very girly.
So wearing something girlie would only be you being yourself.
It's not like us really telling you to not be yourself or do this specific thing.
It's more like, oh, nice.
Yeah, show up that way.
(13:36):
Well, I mean, I love when girls dress girly.
So of course she's saying she's girly and then it's like, yeah, dress girly.
That's, that's, I mean, it's just a good thing.
But yeah, she apparently did not like that and decided to cancel the date.
Literally like two hours, three hours before and that's, that's fine.
(13:58):
But yeah, it's crazy.
You know, three years ago, I would have been stressing out over this, like, what the fuck?
I messed it up.
Like, she's like, we had commonalities and she's probably really smart and all this other shit.
And like, oh my gosh.
And now it's just something you just laugh about.
She doesn't know how to date at all.
And she's, you know, she.
(14:20):
So that's interesting, right?
First of all, well, I agree with everything you just said that you that when you're not
good at dating and you don't have any options, that's a painful thing.
And your self-esteem is so low that you're like, damn, I must have done something wrong.
I probably really shouldn't have said that.
And now it's just like, whoa, it's kind of a bullet that we dodged kind of a red flag.
(14:41):
And time saves and you're happy about it and you can laugh.
Yeah. And I get to do this podcast.
And we get to do this podcast.
Yeah, which is much more fun than the date ironically, because she would have probably
been grilling me about religious beliefs or how many whatever craziness bullshit.
I don't know.
(15:01):
And again, because she she is just not good at dating.
And she'll probably, you know, it's really sad that those that don't actually learn
these skills, they aren't able to form and find the relationships that they want.
And so like, I kind of feel bad for her because she probably really wants someone.
But she's scared away.
(15:22):
I mean, I don't fully know.
Right. I don't know the woman.
But I'm assuming that I'm not the first person that she has.
That was the right word.
You know, scared away in this way.
Probably.
You know what is interesting?
Because we didn't talk about it, right?
She works at this.
Everyone knows this.
(15:43):
You just cannot work there if you're not probably sort of brilliant and a very hard
worker, that's a competitive environment.
And so we were thinking, how can and of course I'm making a generalization guys,
take this with a grain of salt.
But how can you really be feminine if you are surviving and thriving in such a
(16:04):
competitive environment where it's mostly men, right?
Yeah.
I mean, men or women can can survive and thrive in that area.
Right.
Like in my work, I have a lot of women that I count on and they're freaking amazing.
So just just to be crystal clear, like anyone can accomplish and do that.
However, that being said, you have to form personality traits that are most
(16:31):
definitely way more masculine, way more competitive, way more aggressive,
way more hardcore, and that completely kills a lot of the feminine traits of
sweet and kind and caring.
Like when you're when you're fighting for the life of a business or something,
or you're fighting over a deal, the land, you're not sweet and kind and caring.
(16:52):
You're competitive, aggressive and you'll do what it takes to win.
And so yes, women can do that.
But the problem is that and this again, true for men too, the problem is that you
then sacrifice some of the other traits because you can't be aggressive and
competitive and then also sweet at the same time.
It's it's oil and water.
And sure, the best of the best type people can be able to switch that flip,
(17:16):
but it's extremely rare.
And so with her, yes, she's smart.
She works at this very competitive firm, but then she comes out and she's also
I'm gruely and it's like, well, I don't I don't fully know.
And then of course, with just how quickly she killed the interaction and other
things, it's just a very, yeah, aggressive move, honestly.
And it's like, OK, well, I mean, if that's what makes her happy, that's what
(17:39):
makes her happy, but I don't think it will in the long on the long run.
Well, nicely put.
And I think that's what you're looking for, right?
Ideally, you get that smart person that can handle herself in such,
let's say that corporate world, but at the same time, she can be the super
nurturing, caring woman.
(17:59):
And that's a rare one that has the both.
Yeah, well, I mean, smart is possible on both sides, right?
So you can be smart and caring and also smart and competitive.
Like smart is true across both areas where the oil and water comes from,
like the competitive, aggressive versus the sweet and caring, like the sweet
and caring. And then you go to competitive competitive, you're supposed to like
(18:21):
destroy the other person, right?
Where sweet and caring is supposed to take care of the other person.
So it's not the intelligence thing.
That's actually the oil and water.
You again, like my sister is absolutely amazing.
The best people I know, and she's insanely smart and insanely caring.
And so that's not the difference.
(18:42):
But what I'm looking for, and it's really cool.
I'm very lucky.
I'm very blessed to have been able to put myself in this situation to actually
learn all of this because originally I didn't know what I wanted and I would
have settled way less. But now that I've been able to meet so many other women,
I've been able to see the different spectrum.
(19:02):
And that sweet and kind and caring is so incredibly valuable and important and
just makes my life significantly better that I am.
I'm happy.
Makes any guy significantly better, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
And there's there really, there truly is like a ying to the yank when it comes to
like male female dynamics.
(19:24):
And it can even be reversed if, well, I don't know if I fully believe that.
But like there is this dynamics, right?
Where they're supposed to be, you know, different aspects of the relationship.
You don't have two very competitive, aggressive people in the same relationship.
Those relationships fell.
They, you know, they're butting heads all the time.
(19:46):
You know, you fight all the time.
It's sure you may have some passion and nights and shit like that, but it's not,
it's not healthy or good in the long run.
And that's what's again, when I go back and I look at this or look at my own life
over the last three years, I've actually been able to look and go, OK,
what do I truly want?
And I've learned that that sweet and kind and compassionate and caring,
(20:10):
I don't need a competitive person.
I don't need an aggressive person.
I don't need, you know, I need someone that compliments my weaknesses,
which is the sweet and kind and caring, even though I'm a fairly caring person.
But still, I'll never be as caring as some of the women I've met.
And those that compliment my weaknesses allow me to compliment their weaknesses.
(20:30):
And that's that's honestly what a partnership should be, is we help each other out.
And if I can oversimplify that complimenting each other's weaknesses,
that is you being masculine and her being feminine.
Yeah, well, so in my in my situation, yes, because I think in almost anyone's situation,
in almost anyone's, but at the same time, I mean, there's a lot of men out there
(20:53):
that need to actually step up and actually take that on.
Like, right?
Like, you can't expect your woman to be sweet and kind and caring.
And then you be a little wuss that doesn't doesn't play your portion of it.
And so for me, so I'm kind of interested because there's some aspects of of it
that I am very masculine.
(21:13):
And then there's some aspects that honestly, I'm feminine that I've had to learn.
And it's like, well, is that what I actually want to be?
We saw over those.
Where were you feminine?
Not setting boundaries appropriate, although to be fair, that might not be feminine.
Like so, like not like shying away from conflict or conflict avoidance, conflict avoidance.
(21:33):
Yeah, where I'm trying to people please and trying to be like, no, it's OK.
It's OK. Even though inside for me, it was like, it's killing me.
But it's like, no, OK, my partner, you can you can get away with this bullshit.
And it's OK. I'm just trying to like, we just need to have peace in the house.
It's bullshit. And that's, you know, that's that's honestly, as I'm saying,
(21:56):
that's not healthy no matter what, whether masculine or feminine.
But I just wasn't I wasn't strong enough.
I wasn't willing to stand up for my for myself or my thoughts or what not.
And that is not masculine at all.
You know, very much true.
I think that's a problem for most not most guys, a lot of guys that struggle
(22:18):
with dating me, much like one of the co-founders of Tex God, both conflict avoidance,
kind of not setting enough boundaries.
And well, luckily, it's something that you can learn.
There was something that I wanted to say when you were holding your whole speech.
I forgot what it was, but that'll allow me to go back even more.
This woman, this date that flaked, quote unquote, on you today.
(22:42):
It's to me, it's crazy that she got pissed off that we were like, hey,
wear something girly.
And then she's like, fuck you, gone, I wear whatever I want by.
So that is, let's not get into too much detail there, but it's not really a healthy way
of reacting to that.
And I want to compare it to another date that you had set up.
(23:02):
There was a woman and at one point in the conversation, you also offended her a
little bit accidentally, it was some sort of joke that she took as it being a joke
at the expense of women in general.
And but yeah, but I love there's a really good lesson here because that was not
first of all, that was not a joke.
(23:23):
I don't want to see him like an ass here.
But so that was not a joke.
She sort of took it that way.
But what was very interesting is that this woman was like, hey, she communicated
that I don't find really funny because it sounds like this.
And then you can go, oh, sorry, that's not how I meant it.
And it was just briefly talked about, even though it's on hinge.
(23:43):
And then the conversation went on.
The difference between how that girl handles something that she didn't like
and the other one is, well, it's way more mature and healthy.
But it's also, I think, more feminine than the one who's just angry, aggressive.
Bye.
But yeah, no, totally.
And it just shows a lot more emotional intelligence.
Most of the time, things are just miscommunications.
(24:06):
Like in this case, I was doing a generalization of women.
It was just a joke that was miscommunicated a little bit.
And she clarified and then I was able to, you know, or not, she didn't clarify.
She asked for clarification, basically.
And I was able to respond and let her know what I was actually trying to say.
(24:27):
And we had a great laugh with it.
And, you know, we'll be going on a date before too long.
And so with her, it worked out because she she is just a significantly better communicator
and also not nearly that again, it goes back to aggressive where she's assuming
(24:47):
the worst, which is normally just not a good thing to do regardless if you're a man or a woman.
And now, you know, things are going to work out.
Yeah.
For me, it just here during this podcast and put things in perspective,
I quickly compared those two situations that had something very similar go on.
And then you realize to me, just seeing that and having seen those chats,
(25:12):
both women are super beautiful.
And the one that got angry at us is probably way more successful
seeing where she works and stuff like career wise.
But the other one, I would give it like a 20 X value if you have, you know, 20.
Oh, yeah. No, she's she's the one that communicated well is is way more attractive,
(25:33):
like insanely more attractive behavior wise.
Not just behavior, just in every way is nothing more unattractive,
whether it's behavior, like looks or whatever.
As soon as you see a woman that looks beautiful, but she acts like that aggressive route,
it's like all of her physical looks, it's just like, no, like just like, no,
(25:54):
I mean, it's not just behavior, even though it is behavior,
it's just that can ruin the entire thing of her.
Brian, look at the boundaries she just said.
Yeah, true.
Because honestly, any guy that doesn't have the abundance yet,
he's going to swallow.
He's like, damn, she was super rude and aggressive,
but she's beautiful and I have no option.
(26:16):
So I'm just taking it.
Yeah, well, so this is this is why a lot of guys, if you're listening to this
and gals, honestly, I've seen a lot of women accept bullshit from men that they shouldn't.
And so this whole going and learning these, it's not learning dating.
I hate calling it learning dating because it sounds so fucking stupid.
It's just learning social skills and how to build relationships.
(26:41):
And honestly, it's how to build the most important relationships you'll have in your life,
which is with your, you know, significant other.
But this is why it's so important, honestly,
that the men and women go learn this because you, you need these skills
in order to have the confidence and capabilities to pick the best person for you.
(27:02):
And so like in this scenario, like, yeah, I get to pick,
I get to go for the ones that fit me best.
And then for women, they get to pick the one that fits them best.
And that's very, very, very, very healthy.
But a lot of people don't learn these skills because it's more taboo or like, like, what?
(27:23):
Like you're learning that.
And it's like, well, yeah, I am learning that because this is actually a very important thing.
And but for whatever reasons, it's taboo.
Going back to that, I think you're a real baller because you've done so well with your career.
You do have good looks and height and still your ego is not big enough.
You're like, fuck, I suck at this shit and I can't figure it out.
(27:45):
So I'm going to get a coach and learn it.
A lot of guys have an ego too big to do that.
Yeah, I mean, well, that's just fucking stupid.
I mean, how much time I've saved?
Anytime I go try to learn anything new, I find someone that knows how to do it.
Like, like in my mind, it's fucking obvious.
Like if you don't know how to do something, go find someone that knows how to do it and learn from them.
(28:08):
It's it's honestly not even about an ego thing.
It's just I mean, it's obvious.
I know in my mind, it's obvious.
I think we're dating.
It's a little bit more about an ego thing because a lot of guys believe that like if you cannot get a girl
without help from someone else and you're a loser, that's unfortunately still what a lot of guys believe.
What I wanted to say even more is what I think is respectable about you is that even though you have all these things
(28:33):
and like you still come on the podcast and you're not ashamed about it.
I asked you like, hey, do you want to come on the podcast and can people know that you took dating coaching
and you want to use your real name and you're just like, yeah, why not?
Like I'm like, I'm not doing anything wrong.
It's like it's fine.
This is how it is.
No, and I wish this was more normalized.
(28:54):
Honestly, that like again, like one of the most important, like the most important relationship you have in your life is who
like I had someone to describe it really good.
Like whoever you pick to do life with, that's like your player number two.
And I'm a huge fucking nerd.
I love video games.
Like whoever you play with in a co-op video game, you rely on them a ridiculous amount.
(29:17):
And what's the biggest video game there is?
It's fucking life.
And dating is literally picking your player number two.
And the idea that you don't go try to learn how to pick your number two is just mind boggling to me.
And I get it because I grew up and I felt all those feelings where it's like, if I can't attract a woman,
(29:39):
then like something's wrong with me.
And you know, if I ask for advice, then it's like, well, naturally, I should just be able to do it.
And all that is just complete bullshit.
It really is just bullshit.
It's a skill like anything else.
And if you practice at it and you just figure out how to be more sociable and all these other things, then the the the sky's the limits.
(29:59):
And I mean, I personally have seen what it's done for me over the last three, four years.
And it's just a night and day difference.
But yeah, again, it's like the most important relationship that you'll have in your life.
Why would you not invest time and energy into it?
It's mind boggling.
I thought that was a really beautiful speech, but I do have to say that I think the most important relationship you have in your life is with yourself.
(30:21):
We're getting deep.
Yeah, fair point.
If you don't love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to love you?
That is a very, very valid, valid, valid point.
But I believe that the second most important relationship is then the one that's going to be your partner.
Yeah.
You know what's fucked up that when you said the when you said something about the biggest game in the world or the game we're playing?
(30:42):
And my brain instantly would like World of Warcraft.
That's the best game.
And then you said it's life.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
Oh, you got to look at life like a video game.
If you if you don't, it's too stressful, you know, like if you can't if you don't look at life, like it's just some big game with, you know, like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Again, I don't I look at my life a little bit different.
(31:03):
So yeah, well, there's a lot to learn from how you look at your life because you've done you've done so well.
Hey, big B, thanks for coming here and sharing some of your wisdom.
Happy to.
I wanted to say one more thing, but I might have cut it off here.
Shake Shack.
Shake Shack.
No, I wanted to say, but maybe it's too late now.
I wanted to say, well, I'll say it anyway, maybe we can cut it.
(31:24):
One thing that maybe we didn't make clear enough is that, yes, you are now successful and tall and handsome.
But when you first came to me for coaching, I didn't know if this was going to work.
You were scrawny, had the worst fashion that I've probably ever seen.
Still kind of do.
It's getting better.
It's getting better.
But yeah, you you looked unhealthy, horrible posture, no fashion at all.
(31:50):
A horrible haircut.
I was like, what the fuck is this nerd?
I think that is important to point out because first of all, you did put a lot of efforts to turn it off.
Turn those things around.
But also, it's not like you were just born a six for giga chat.
You were born a six for giga loser.
Yeah, I mean, I hate calling it a loser.
It's just like I didn't understand the the the the not the rules to the game, but how other people saw it.
(32:20):
And so I just never ever put the energy or effort into it, not realizing that that it does actually have an impact around.
Yeah, but yeah, no, like, yeah, I was a hardcore computer nerd that played World of Warcraft all the time and didn't care about shit.
And yeah, I changed that and my life significantly better for that.
(32:41):
Yeah, and just sort of clarify.
I didn't want to say it's not like you're a loser, like you're a loser person.
I say it from the point of view.
I'm just thinking about the dating market, right?
Yeah, you were a six for but any girl would have looked at you and be like, no, sorry, he's a quote unquote loser.
Like I'm not going to date him.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, dating and all of this is it can be brutal.
(33:03):
Like you go on a dating app and if you don't have good pictures and one especially is a man, like then you don't even get you don't even get a chance.
And so yeah, all this stuff matters.
It really does matter, even if you think that it shouldn't.
It does.
And guess what?
Later on, you actually learn why it does when you have the interactions with the women and then they compliment a little thing or they compliment.
(33:26):
Like you working out or the smell of your clone or the shape of your jar or whatever, whatever it is.
Like all these little things that actually do build attraction and you get this interaction with a woman that she's really attracted to you.
That is like that's gold.
It feels so goddamn good.
And it's not it's not from like some validation bullshit.
(33:49):
It's just like actually experiencing a deep close connection with someone that's passionate.
And yeah, like it's significantly harder to be passionate about a six for World of Warcraft player that doesn't wear deodorant.
It's hunched over with glasses and all this other shit.
It's like it's just it's harder to build attraction and having very attractive relationships is ridiculously fun.
(34:13):
I was just letting you finish out of politeness.
But like this is the podcast already over.
I was going to cut that little part about you being a loser and put it a bit earlier.
But it's so nice.
Maybe we can put it in.
We'll see.
I'll try to edit this myself.
Goodbye, world.
Goodbye, world.
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