October 12, 2025 • 37 mins
If you feel like an outsider in a world that seems unrelatable, could it be because you’re yearning for authenticity in your connections? I know I am. Making friendships and romantic relationships can sometimes seem like a lesson in futility.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
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I want to address somebody's message to me that they said that it's very hard to live in a world and be authentic in that
world when you're around others who aren't the way you are, who don't want to be authentic, who aren't more honest or transparent. I get that. I get that.
(00:34):
It's hard to show up in the world as a new and improved or just the version you are of yourself in a world full of others
who try to oppress you, who show up in toxic ways, who don't have your best interest in mind, are manipulative, are selfish.
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And I'm not saying everyone's like that.
I'm just saying it's hard to show up when there are a lot of people out there like that or in a way that doesn't match your
vibe or your energy or the way you want to show up in life.
The person who wrote to me said that it's very hard to connect with others when others are in some other reality.
(01:21):
I'm paraphrasing, but they're in some other reality.
Like they are out to get something else out of life and this person just wants an authentic connection.
She just wants to bond with people or make friends or not even that.
Just connect with others at a level that is more authentic, basically, more authentic.
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And it can be difficult to meet others on that same plane of reality.
And I don't have many friends myself.
All my friends I basically make through my wife because she's more extroverted and she brings them into our life and suddenly
I like them and I connect with them.
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But I'm not the type of person that goes out.
Well, I'm trying to change this, believe me. I'm trying to change.
I'm not the type of person who goes out and says, hey, how are you? Let's be friends.
Give me your phone number, you know, after an hour or two of conversation.
I'm not normally like that because then when I get home, I had a great time but I don't want people calling me.
(02:30):
So I have this, I don't know, I have this mindset where I go out and I meet people and I'm having a great time and I would
love to spend time with them again but I don't want to go home and talk to them on the phone.
I mean, I might be limited in that area of socializing. And so I do enjoy talking.
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I do enjoy going out and I do enjoy strong bonds and connections.
So it's not like I'm trying to avoid that.
But I will say it is difficult to like, I want to meet other guys.
I want to have male bonding moments with other guys who aren't afraid to be honest, who aren't afraid to say things like,
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yeah, I really hurt that person and I feel bad about it, you know, if they did something like that.
Instead of saying, well, they deserved it.
They were being a jerk so I punched them in the face.
I don't like that kind of toxic masculinity.
I prefer somebody who is more balanced.
I like meeting other people, both men and women and anyone who are more balanced.
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And they aren't going to extremes in the aspects that they are presenting most.
For example, someone who presents a real masculine front.
Are they going to extremes with that masculinity?
I don't mind if they do, if it's not toxic, but it can be. It can be toxic.
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Doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman or in between. It doesn't matter who you are.
If you are presenting this front of really strong masculine energy all the time, it might be a turnoff.
For me, I'm not saying for anyone, but for me, it might be a turnoff because there's not much balance there.
It's just like all this and all that.
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Not that I have anything against it.
I'm just saying it's harder to bond with people who go to an extreme just like a highly feminine person.
I'm actually more in tune with highly feminine people, but if it's taken to an extreme where you don't have the other, I mean
like both aspects of masculine and feminine, not that there's a problem with it, but I do find myself connecting with others who have more of a balance.
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I don't know if you can relate to that or not or if it even matters to you, but that's I think that's why it's sometimes difficult
for me to make and keep some friendships because I'll make a friend and they won't have that compatible balance that I feel
is conducive to a long, long-term, long-lasting bond.
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And I sound kind of arrogant when I say this.
I hear myself saying this and I think, well, you're not that way, so I'm not going to make you my friend. It's not really that.
I just know my internal wiring and I think it's helpful to know your internal wiring if you are a more balanced person and
you find someone who's more extreme in one aspect of their personality or their masculinity or femininity or whatever it is
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or they're more religious or goth or, you know, there are extremes.
And again, I'm not saying these things are bad.
Some people love doing this and love being that way. I'm a Taurus.
I'm more grounded and balanced, at least I like to think that, or some people tell me that.
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My wife says you're just so, uh, she didn't say low energy, but she says you're a calming energy.
And she's, I don't know her sign, but she's like a higher energy.
Like she needs to get out of the house more where I can stay in the house for a long time.
So those things can complement each other and can balance each other out and sometimes, or often they do, and sometimes they don't.
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So this is where some challenges may come.
You have someone in your life that doesn't necessarily always flow with you.
So you find it easier to be around people who are more like you or you find it easier to be around people who are less like
the people that you hang around with.
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Like my wife probably wouldn't have as good a time with friends or family if they were like me.
She gets enough of me at home.
So she doesn't want more of that energy out and about with her friends.
And, uh, her best friends love to talk. They are high energy talkers.
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And she'll tell me, hey, I'm at lunch with my friend Linda, or I'm at lunch with my friend Marina, and I'm, um, I'm going
to be home at one or two.
And then I'll text her back and say, see you at seven.
And, uh, she'll either send me a wink or an LOL or nothing at all because the conversation continues.
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And I'm not that high energy, and this is a good thing.
I mean, this is a really good thing.
We may not be like the people that, um, your partner or your family or your best friend, we may not be like the people in
their life, but we represent something to them that brings some purpose or meaning or value in their life. That's how I see it.
(08:03):
Like I bring value to my wife, Asha's life, and she brings value to my life, but I certainly, um, see other people bring value
as well into my life because of the different aspects of their personality that are unique to them and not necessarily the
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same as what I am around 24 seven.
Makes it sound like I'm sick of my wife. That's not it at all. I love my wife.
And like I said, I could stay home with her all the time. No problem. I'm that way.
I'm I don't need a lot of excitement in my life.
Now, I love that Asha loves having some exciting things in her life to get me off my butt to go do things.
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And we were just having this conversation the other day.
I'm so glad that she is that way so that we're not both feeding into such this calm environment that we both do nothing and we're couch potatoes all the time.
I'm glad that we're not like that.
I've had a relationship like that and it was joyful and peaceful, but I felt like I needed to expand myself more so to bring more balance really. Bring more balance.
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So I don't want to always be just this guy who seems like oh, he's just calm and doesn't talk much.
I also want to go out there and have fun and make jokes and laugh with friends and family.
So my point is that sometimes we are with people, partners, family, friends who have other people in their life that fill a role that isn't necessarily ours.
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And insecure people might have a problem with that.
If you're insecure and you're hearing me and you're thinking, oh, yeah, my partner does that and they like to spend time with
this one friend that I don't like and I can't believe they like them, then you might have some feelings about that. Here's how I look at that.
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The more my wife can fulfill those needs inside of her with other people that I can't fulfill, the more fulfilled she is,
the more happy she is, and the more she brings that happiness home. I love that perspective.
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When she goes out with her friends sometimes all day long, I know that she is filling her cup and she's going to come home
with that full cup and say, honey, I missed you.
She never says I miss you, but she says, she hugs me and she's just so happy.
And you can tell that she just had a great day because she was able to connect with a part of herself that she can't necessarily connect with when she's with me.
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And so I share that with you in case there are other people in the person that you're around the most, there are other people
in their life that you may not appreciate or they take time away from you.
I'm not saying that if somebody else is taking a lot of time from the person that you want to be with most and it's affecting
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your relationship because they're spending the quality time that you should be together with the person in your life, but
they're out with somebody else, then that's a thing you have to talk about. You have to bring it up.
If my wife saw her friends every day and spent hours and hours and hours with them every day and it pulled quality time that
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we need as a couple, then, or pulled it away from us, then I would have a conversation with her. I would bring it up.
Hey, you're spending a lot of time with them and I miss you and I want to spend more time with you. Let's talk about this.
What can we do to resolve this?
And if she said, well, you know, we go to bed together and that should be enough, then it would be a problem.
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Because I want to spend time with her in the day.
I want to spend time with her as a partner in my life.
And if somebody else is taking up our quality time together, that's when it becomes a problem.
So I'm not talking about situations where the person that you want to be with wants to be with others all the time and you
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don't get to spend any time with them.
That's a different story and it should be discussed.
Hey, we have this quality relationship and I would like to keep it quality.
However, you like to spend all this time with other people and I'm alone.
And if we are in a romantic relationship, that would not be exactly how I'd see a healthy long-lasting romantic relationship.
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And of course we have to be careful if we're insecure. Because I remember being insecure.
I remember being in a romantic relationship while also having thoughts of possessiveness, jealousy, not only thoughts but
actions, behaviors of possessiveness and jealousy and loneliness.
And if we bring those basically fears into any relationship, then we might drain the person because they feel like they have
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to continually energetically feed us so that we are satiated and that we don't feel fearful that they're going to leave us or abandon us.
We have to be careful about bringing insecurities like that into any relationship because those are draining qualities. And I would call them toxic.
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Those are toxic qualities that can really make somebody else become resentful with us. I'm speaking from experience. This is who I was.
I was quite draining to the people in my life, mostly romantic partners, because I was so worried.
I was so afraid that they would leave me someday.
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So I would take extra precautions to make sure that I could keep them in my life, which led to controlling and manipulative
behaviors that caused them to want to distance themselves from me more.
It's a hell of a way to self-sabotage.
It's like I want that person in my life so badly and I want to keep them in my life so bad that I'm going to hold on to them so tight that they won't leave. Nobody likes that.
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Nobody likes to be held on tightly and where somebody doesn't let go because that's what it can feel like.
If you don't let go of somebody and let them be free and let them connect with others in a way that fulfills them, then they won't feel fulfilled.
You will have maybe fulfilled 10% or 50% even of somebody.
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But they still have another 50% to fill in their life. It's like a couple.
They get together and let's just say both partners work and one partner says, hey, you don't need to work anymore. Stop working. And so that person stops working.
And if they liked the work they did and it fulfilled them and it gave them a sense of meaning and purpose in their life, then
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stopping that work actually pulled away what was actually filling their cup every day.
So imagine somebody comes along and says I'm going to pull this plug and pull this plug, everything that you're plugged into
and all you need is what we have here, then what might have been fulfilling you before was taken away.
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And now you have like whatever percentage is left over and you have to rely on that percentage.
You have to rely on that. 40% was fulfilling because you were going to work. You had a routine. It felt pretty good to you. Not everyone likes work.
It depends on the job, but some people love it or some people enjoy the challenge. Some people like getting more money. Some people need more money.
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So they have to do these things.
But it's also fulfilling for a lot of people.
And if they don't have a job and they are forced to do something that maybe they were talked into, maybe they really wanted to, you know, quit working.
There could be a number of reasons why somebody stops working and I'm just using this as an example.
But let's just say they stopped working and now something feels missing, something feels off, something feels a bit empty. They don't have to work anymore. Hooray! But something's off. Something's not right.
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I used to go to work and I'll give you my example.
I used to go to work and meet other people, make friends at work.
Now that I work from home, the only people I meet are solicitors. So I have to get out.
And so that has changed in my life.
Before I met Asha, I was, it was a couple years before I met Asha, I was in the field and I met all kinds of people and it was nice. It was fine.
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And then I started the blog and the podcast and talked about all the stuff that we talk about now that I've been doing for
the last oh, how many years now? 14, 15 years I've been coaching and then I started podcasting and the blog and all that.
So it's been a long time that I've been doing this alone and it was easy for me to adjust from going somewhere all the time
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to being in a home office because it fits my personality.
But there might be people listening now who say that sounds like hell.
There might be people in your life that want to do other things that you don't want to do or aren't as interested in.
Like my wife loves plants and gardening. I don't.
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So when she does that stuff, she does it alone.
And I told her the other day, hey, I'm going to go to this pinball place up the road. I think that might be fun.
I might meet some people there, but you know, it's not a place I hang out all the time, but it's a new place. I'll check it out.
And she said, well, I'd like to come with you. And I thought what? You don't want to do that.
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I might like pinball sometimes, but I don't want to spend hours there. Okay, that sounds like fun. That's great. So that makes me happy.
But if she said, oh, yeah, have fun, go on your own, which I've done with other places, then it would be perfectly normal and perfectly fine. Why? Because I'm filling my cup.
I'm working on my own fulfillment, my own filling of values or fulfilling of values where I value things in my life, even if they're just recreational.
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And if I don't fill those things, if I don't do those things, then I become the totality of who I am without those things.
That's a little vague, but I think you understand.
You will become the totality of who you are with what you fill your life with.
If you used to love to read and you don't read anymore, the person you are is someone without books or a person without the
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time to read books or a person who now does other things besides read books.
And you have to ask yourself, is the totality of who I am right now OK with me?
And will I be OK going forward?
Because if you're not reading anymore and you used to love to read, but you're OK with that, then maybe you found something
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else to fill your time, or maybe you just enjoy having the free time.
But these are important questions for yourself.
If I stop and ask myself questions like, am I OK never leaving the house?
Being in that quiet space, I'm going to say no.
I mean, if Asha wasn't here, I would probably want to leave more.
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So I might be using her as sort of a crutch that prevents me from going out and meeting other people and doing the things
that I might do if I were alone.
So clearly I enjoy people in my life.
I'm not a complete introvert who doesn't want to see anyone. And that's helpful to know.
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And then I imagine what it would be like to have a good strong bond with a male friend who is balanced and seems a lot like
me in ways that we can talk about things that men talk about.
And then we can also connect through compassion and empathy and respect.
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And we're the type of person who, if I don't hold the door for the person in front of me, he will. I like people like that.
I like people who are like me. That gives me some balance.
And I also appreciate some of the imbalance that comes along, which can be valuable in certain friendships.
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And so coming back around to where I started, there are a lot of people out there who go out into the world and just can't connect with others.
They want to be who they are, but they can't find others like them.
And in this case, the person who wrote said that she just wants authenticity. You know what?
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If I insult you, tell me I insulted you.
I'm putting words in her mouth, but I imagine that somebody who is transparent and honest and just wants this authentic connection
with another person would also want to be told that they're being disrespectful if they are, or they just insulted them if they did.
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Because that's what a real person does.
They tell you there's food on your face.
Hey, you got a booger coming out of your nose.
I mean, I've had to say that to people.
I don't think I used the word booger.
I just pointed, you got something on your nose right there, and then they fix it.
And I've seen conversations go on where I wasn't close and I saw something on a person's face and the person they were with didn't say a word.
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I'm watching it going, are you going to tell that person that there's something on their face? And it was obvious. It wasn't like they missed it.
I mean, there are some people who just don't like to bring it up. Where's your authenticity?
I mean, I think that's a good idea to bring up because if something was on my face, I was talking to my friend for the last
half hour and somebody came along and said, hey, hey, you got something on your face.
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And I took it off and it was very obvious.
I think I would ask my friend, why didn't you tell me?
My friend might say, well, I didn't want to bring it up and embarrass you or anything. Embarrassed?
I mean, now I've been embarrassed for a lot longer. Thanks to you. And I wouldn't be upset.
I would understand there's insecurities around that, but I would also say, don't do that again. Let me know.
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I don't want to walk around with that on my face.
And so that would be the kind of connection that I would want, something authentic and something that somebody would appreciate.
Somebody appreciates my honesty, just like I would appreciate their honesty.
It would mean so much more to me for a friend or somebody I know to come to me and say, hey, you know, when you said that
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thing about my mom, I really took offense to it.
I mean, as I talk about this, I think, oh my God, I get this bad feeling thinking that I might've said something hurtful because
I don't want to hurt my friend.
I don't want to offend him or her.
And I would ask, what did I say?
And then when they told me, I would probably say something like, oh, you're right.
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Or I didn't even realize I was saying that, or I am so sorry. I would say it anyway.
I'm so sorry that I said that. That wasn't what I meant. I didn't mean to offend. That wasn't my intention at all. Thank you for telling me that.
I think that's a good way to respond.
Thank you so much for telling me that. I am so sorry. That was not my intention. I am so sorry.
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And I definitely don't feel that way.
And I apologize that it came out that way.
That is a pretty authentic way to apologize, acknowledge, take responsibility for it, and let the other person know that that wasn't your intention. Unless it was.
If it was your intention, that's a different story.
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But even if it was your intention, oh my God, you're right. I'm so sorry. Take responsibility, apologize, own it. Yep, you're right. I did it. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong.
I had to do that once with a friend.
She said something to her kid, telling him not to do something.
And I told the kid, it's okay, you can do it.
And boy, that did not go over well.
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And I was just kind of joking.
But what I did was usurp her parenting. And I felt awful. And she didn't say anything.
But she also didn't look at me for a while. And I just felt the shift.
And you know, when you feel the shift, like, oh crap, I did, I opened my mouth and I said something stupid.
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And I, instead of just letting it go and hoping it went away, I think I did the right thing.
I said, you know what, I'm sorry I said that. And I shouldn't have done that.
And she said, no, don't worry about it.
I said, no, I shouldn't have usurped your parenting.
And I did that, and it was wrong. And I'm sorry.
And she said, well, thank you for that. And then it was done. It was over. We got past it.
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And I never made that mistake again.
So my child immaturity came out saying, oh, you don't have to listen to her. You know, at the time.
But I became the adult and took ownership, took responsibility and said, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
And from that point on, it's never been an issue.
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But it would have been had I not taken responsibility, had I not apologized.
And I'm so. glad that one moment of tension, of weirdness, of awkwardness and clear violation that I did, I crossed her line.
I'm so glad that one moment didn't become something that hung over both of our heads for the rest of the time we were together.
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Because we can have friendships like that.
We can have relationships like that, where something happens, there's no apology or there's a weirdness or an awkwardness
around it, but we kind of sweep it under the rug and just hope we all forget about it and move on. But nobody forgets.
When something awkward or weird or a violation, somebody crosses the line, when that happens, people don't forget. They carry it with them. You carry this stuff with you. I carry this stuff with me.
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I have those little boxes checked in my brain that say, ah, this person is offensive. This person is toxic. I'll avoid this person.
But if any one of those people came to me today and said, you remember that time that I said this thing to you? I feel really bad about that.
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And I've been thinking about it ever since.
I just wanted to apologize to you.
I just want to say, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that to you. And I would accept their apology.
I would say, thank you for saying that.
That really means a lot to me.
And then that box that I have ticked in my brain that tells me they're not safe to be around becomes unticked.
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And I just erase it from my mind.
And now it's no longer hanging over our heads.
It's not always going to go that way.
Sometimes you'll have people apologize and you'll still be angry.
Or you'll apologize to them and they'll still be upset.
Or they'll say, ah, don't worry about it. I don't care. But they do.
This is why it's important, in my opinion, to say, no, I'm serious. I shouldn't have done that.
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And I am so sorry I did it.
And if you've heard me talk about apologies before, don't ask for forgiveness.
At least, you know, unless you're religious, ask for forgiveness over there.
But don't ask for forgiveness from the person that you're apologizing to, because that's placing an expectation on the apology, adding a string.
Like, no strings attached apologies don't have this.
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But if you want to make sure that it's not a true apology with no strings attached, don't ask for forgiveness. Will you forgive me, please?
Not a good idea, in my opinion.
If you ask for forgiveness, then you're putting somebody on the spot not to be able to take the time or have the time to process
what you just said and heal from the pain or the suffering or the thoughts that they've had over the days, months, and years
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that have gone by, that they need time.
They need that time to process what just happened, what you just said.
So, I'm a proponent of not asking for forgiveness from people that we apologize to so that they can come to that conclusion, determination on their own.
And if they never forgive you, but everything seems okay otherwise, give them that. Let them have that. Honor that.
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If I said, I'm sorry to someone and they didn't say, I forgive you, but everything seemed okay after that, then I would at
least say, hey, I did my part.
You know, I would say that to myself. I did my part.
If they choose to forgive me or not, that's them.
That's their challenge, their issue, if they even have an issue with it.
But if they don't even have an issue with it and they're thinking, it's not worth forgiving because you were pretty rotten then, I would understand that. Okay.
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You know, they took it really terribly or maybe I meant it really terribly and okay, they don't want to forgive and that's fine.
Because if they're cool, I apologized and they said, good, you should have apologized or they felt that way and they didn't
say it, but suddenly everything's good with us again and there's nothing weird lingering because you know that feeling, then
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you can move on and move forward and be happy that you did your part.
And that doesn't mean they owe you anything.
They don't, you know, somebody we've wronged doesn't owe us.
So we can let them not forgive us if they want to. That's if that's what they want.
That's what a loving and supporting person does.
We let somebody be who they are.
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We let somebody make decisions that are right for them and we let them be. We accept them as is. Like buying a used car.
We have to buy it as is. That's what it is.
And so again, coming back to what we started talking about, if you feel like you're a foreigner in a world full of people
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that you just want to connect with, or at least some people that you want to connect with, but you can't, I'm not here to give you the solution to that. I'm just here to relate.
I'm here to empathize with that because that's how I feel.
The good news is, and this is something I've learned over the years, is that there are so many good and like people like you, like me.
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There are so many good and like people out there and they are almost always strangers.
They are almost always so much like us that they are unwilling to come up to us and connect with us because we may not do that either.
I may not go up to somebody and talk to them, but they may not want to come up to me and talk to me, yet we may be a perfect
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match as a friendship or a relationship.
But because I'm not the kind who goes out and does that, and they're not the kind that goes out and does that, we'll never
meet each other, or we may never meet each other.
Which is why I have committed to going out to do more things that I enjoy because I'm going to meet people that are doing
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the things that they enjoy, which just happens to be the things that I enjoy.
I remember my wife said this a long time ago, if you want to make friends, go out and do things that you like and you'll meet
people that do things that they like and you just happen to be in the same place at the same time.
And I think that's a great way to look at it.
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And I just got to get off my butt and do it.
So I appreciate that advice and I use that advice in my own life and I share it with you because I'm guilty of this.
Not that there's anything to be guilty of, but if I truly want to connect with others and I truly want to connect with people
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that are maybe like-minded or at least balanced in a way that I feel balanced.
I'm not saying the balance is perfect, but that the way I feel inside of me and I want to connect with people that are like
me in many ways, then I'm not going to meet them by never going out and being around them.
So my life is changing in that direction.
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And I share all of this with you just in case you need to hear that there are probably people out there, if you're looking
for friendships, if you're looking for a relationship, there are probably many people out there that are a lot like you or
highly compatible with you, either as a friend or romantic partner, that might be a lot like you to the point where they don't know how to meet you either. I think that's kind of cool.
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I think that's a really cool concept to think about because if there are those out there, which I know there are, then all
you have to do is be in the right place at the right time, which can be hard, but the more you're out there around people,
socializing, networking, whatever you need to do, the more likely you will meet the right people.
(34:25):
So I don't know if this is improving your life or giving you value at all, but I wanted to share it just in case you are in
the position that I'm in a lot of the time.
And it's true, I don't have a lot of time anyway.
So it's not like I can go out all the time and meet people all the time, but making an effort, that's the whole point is make
an effort and maybe the effort will pay off. I hope this helps.
(34:49):
Thanks for listening to another episode of the overwhelmed brain.
I want to thank Christie and Anna and Sandra and all the patrons that give back every month. I am very grateful for you.
And Deborah, of course, thank you all the patrons and people who donate just to show their support. And I'm so grateful for you.
And if you find value in this show, like these patrons and these donators do, and you want to give back to head over to moretob.com
(35:15):
and there are ways to do that over there. Thank you so much.
And if you're looking for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
Interestingly enough, this episode was about creating easier relationships, more pleasant relationships.
But for those difficult ones with controlling or manipulative behaviors that you may not even know you're experiencing, again,
(35:39):
go to loveandabuse.com and I talk about that over there.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and maybe you keep ruining relationships and you don't want to
do that anymore, or maybe your relationship is on the verge, you know, the verge of falling apart, the verge of breaking down,
and you know, you're the one that is causing this or you believe you are, head over to healedbeing.com and I have a comprehensive
(36:04):
program to help you change the behaviors that are causing the problems in the relationship. That's over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, I want you to always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your
decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
(36:24):
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
(37:35):
www.healedbeing.com
These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
(00:10):
I want to address somebody's message to me that they said that it's very hard to live in a world and be authentic in that
world when you're around others who aren't the way you are, who don't want to be authentic, who aren't more honest or transparent. I get that. I get that.
(00:34):
It's hard to show up in the world as a new and improved or just the version you are of yourself in a world full of others
who try to oppress you, who show up in toxic ways, who don't have your best interest in mind, are manipulative, are selfish.
(00:55):
And I'm not saying everyone's like that.
I'm just saying it's hard to show up when there are a lot of people out there like that or in a way that doesn't match your
vibe or your energy or the way you want to show up in life.
The person who wrote to me said that it's very hard to connect with others when others are in some other reality.
(01:21):
I'm paraphrasing, but they're in some other reality.
Like they are out to get something else out of life and this person just wants an authentic connection.
She just wants to bond with people or make friends or not even that.
Just connect with others at a level that is more authentic, basically, more authentic.
(01:47):
And it can be difficult to meet others on that same plane of reality.
And I don't have many friends myself.
All my friends I basically make through my wife because she's more extroverted and she brings them into our life and suddenly
I like them and I connect with them.
(02:08):
But I'm not the type of person that goes out.
Well, I'm trying to change this, believe me. I'm trying to change.
I'm not the type of person who goes out and says, hey, how are you? Let's be friends.
Give me your phone number, you know, after an hour or two of conversation.
I'm not normally like that because then when I get home, I had a great time but I don't want people calling me.
(02:30):
So I have this, I don't know, I have this mindset where I go out and I meet people and I'm having a great time and I would
love to spend time with them again but I don't want to go home and talk to them on the phone.
I mean, I might be limited in that area of socializing. And so I do enjoy talking.
(02:51):
I do enjoy going out and I do enjoy strong bonds and connections.
So it's not like I'm trying to avoid that.
But I will say it is difficult to like, I want to meet other guys.
I want to have male bonding moments with other guys who aren't afraid to be honest, who aren't afraid to say things like,
(03:15):
yeah, I really hurt that person and I feel bad about it, you know, if they did something like that.
Instead of saying, well, they deserved it.
They were being a jerk so I punched them in the face.
I don't like that kind of toxic masculinity.
I prefer somebody who is more balanced.
I like meeting other people, both men and women and anyone who are more balanced.
(03:40):
And they aren't going to extremes in the aspects that they are presenting most.
For example, someone who presents a real masculine front.
Are they going to extremes with that masculinity?
I don't mind if they do, if it's not toxic, but it can be. It can be toxic.
(04:01):
Doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman or in between. It doesn't matter who you are.
If you are presenting this front of really strong masculine energy all the time, it might be a turnoff.
For me, I'm not saying for anyone, but for me, it might be a turnoff because there's not much balance there.
It's just like all this and all that.
(04:22):
Not that I have anything against it.
I'm just saying it's harder to bond with people who go to an extreme just like a highly feminine person.
I'm actually more in tune with highly feminine people, but if it's taken to an extreme where you don't have the other, I mean
like both aspects of masculine and feminine, not that there's a problem with it, but I do find myself connecting with others who have more of a balance.
(04:49):
I don't know if you can relate to that or not or if it even matters to you, but that's I think that's why it's sometimes difficult
for me to make and keep some friendships because I'll make a friend and they won't have that compatible balance that I feel
is conducive to a long, long-term, long-lasting bond.
(05:13):
And I sound kind of arrogant when I say this.
I hear myself saying this and I think, well, you're not that way, so I'm not going to make you my friend. It's not really that.
I just know my internal wiring and I think it's helpful to know your internal wiring if you are a more balanced person and
you find someone who's more extreme in one aspect of their personality or their masculinity or femininity or whatever it is
(05:40):
or they're more religious or goth or, you know, there are extremes.
And again, I'm not saying these things are bad.
Some people love doing this and love being that way. I'm a Taurus.
I'm more grounded and balanced, at least I like to think that, or some people tell me that.
(06:01):
My wife says you're just so, uh, she didn't say low energy, but she says you're a calming energy.
And she's, I don't know her sign, but she's like a higher energy.
Like she needs to get out of the house more where I can stay in the house for a long time.
So those things can complement each other and can balance each other out and sometimes, or often they do, and sometimes they don't.
(06:29):
So this is where some challenges may come.
You have someone in your life that doesn't necessarily always flow with you.
So you find it easier to be around people who are more like you or you find it easier to be around people who are less like
the people that you hang around with.
(06:50):
Like my wife probably wouldn't have as good a time with friends or family if they were like me.
She gets enough of me at home.
So she doesn't want more of that energy out and about with her friends.
And, uh, her best friends love to talk. They are high energy talkers.
(07:15):
And she'll tell me, hey, I'm at lunch with my friend Linda, or I'm at lunch with my friend Marina, and I'm, um, I'm going
to be home at one or two.
And then I'll text her back and say, see you at seven.
And, uh, she'll either send me a wink or an LOL or nothing at all because the conversation continues.
(07:36):
And I'm not that high energy, and this is a good thing.
I mean, this is a really good thing.
We may not be like the people that, um, your partner or your family or your best friend, we may not be like the people in
their life, but we represent something to them that brings some purpose or meaning or value in their life. That's how I see it.
(08:03):
Like I bring value to my wife, Asha's life, and she brings value to my life, but I certainly, um, see other people bring value
as well into my life because of the different aspects of their personality that are unique to them and not necessarily the
(08:23):
same as what I am around 24 seven.
Makes it sound like I'm sick of my wife. That's not it at all. I love my wife.
And like I said, I could stay home with her all the time. No problem. I'm that way.
I'm I don't need a lot of excitement in my life.
Now, I love that Asha loves having some exciting things in her life to get me off my butt to go do things.
(08:49):
And we were just having this conversation the other day.
I'm so glad that she is that way so that we're not both feeding into such this calm environment that we both do nothing and we're couch potatoes all the time.
I'm glad that we're not like that.
I've had a relationship like that and it was joyful and peaceful, but I felt like I needed to expand myself more so to bring more balance really. Bring more balance.
(09:21):
So I don't want to always be just this guy who seems like oh, he's just calm and doesn't talk much.
I also want to go out there and have fun and make jokes and laugh with friends and family.
So my point is that sometimes we are with people, partners, family, friends who have other people in their life that fill a role that isn't necessarily ours.
(09:46):
And insecure people might have a problem with that.
If you're insecure and you're hearing me and you're thinking, oh, yeah, my partner does that and they like to spend time with
this one friend that I don't like and I can't believe they like them, then you might have some feelings about that. Here's how I look at that.
(10:08):
The more my wife can fulfill those needs inside of her with other people that I can't fulfill, the more fulfilled she is,
the more happy she is, and the more she brings that happiness home. I love that perspective.
(10:30):
When she goes out with her friends sometimes all day long, I know that she is filling her cup and she's going to come home
with that full cup and say, honey, I missed you.
She never says I miss you, but she says, she hugs me and she's just so happy.
And you can tell that she just had a great day because she was able to connect with a part of herself that she can't necessarily connect with when she's with me.
(10:57):
And so I share that with you in case there are other people in the person that you're around the most, there are other people
in their life that you may not appreciate or they take time away from you.
I'm not saying that if somebody else is taking a lot of time from the person that you want to be with most and it's affecting
(11:19):
your relationship because they're spending the quality time that you should be together with the person in your life, but
they're out with somebody else, then that's a thing you have to talk about. You have to bring it up.
If my wife saw her friends every day and spent hours and hours and hours with them every day and it pulled quality time that
(11:39):
we need as a couple, then, or pulled it away from us, then I would have a conversation with her. I would bring it up.
Hey, you're spending a lot of time with them and I miss you and I want to spend more time with you. Let's talk about this.
What can we do to resolve this?
And if she said, well, you know, we go to bed together and that should be enough, then it would be a problem.
(12:04):
Because I want to spend time with her in the day.
I want to spend time with her as a partner in my life.
And if somebody else is taking up our quality time together, that's when it becomes a problem.
So I'm not talking about situations where the person that you want to be with wants to be with others all the time and you
(12:25):
don't get to spend any time with them.
That's a different story and it should be discussed.
Hey, we have this quality relationship and I would like to keep it quality.
However, you like to spend all this time with other people and I'm alone.
And if we are in a romantic relationship, that would not be exactly how I'd see a healthy long-lasting romantic relationship.
(12:50):
And of course we have to be careful if we're insecure. Because I remember being insecure.
I remember being in a romantic relationship while also having thoughts of possessiveness, jealousy, not only thoughts but
actions, behaviors of possessiveness and jealousy and loneliness.
And if we bring those basically fears into any relationship, then we might drain the person because they feel like they have
(13:17):
to continually energetically feed us so that we are satiated and that we don't feel fearful that they're going to leave us or abandon us.
We have to be careful about bringing insecurities like that into any relationship because those are draining qualities. And I would call them toxic.
(13:38):
Those are toxic qualities that can really make somebody else become resentful with us. I'm speaking from experience. This is who I was.
I was quite draining to the people in my life, mostly romantic partners, because I was so worried.
I was so afraid that they would leave me someday.
(13:59):
So I would take extra precautions to make sure that I could keep them in my life, which led to controlling and manipulative
behaviors that caused them to want to distance themselves from me more.
It's a hell of a way to self-sabotage.
It's like I want that person in my life so badly and I want to keep them in my life so bad that I'm going to hold on to them so tight that they won't leave. Nobody likes that.
(14:29):
Nobody likes to be held on tightly and where somebody doesn't let go because that's what it can feel like.
If you don't let go of somebody and let them be free and let them connect with others in a way that fulfills them, then they won't feel fulfilled.
You will have maybe fulfilled 10% or 50% even of somebody.
(14:54):
But they still have another 50% to fill in their life. It's like a couple.
They get together and let's just say both partners work and one partner says, hey, you don't need to work anymore. Stop working. And so that person stops working.
And if they liked the work they did and it fulfilled them and it gave them a sense of meaning and purpose in their life, then
(15:19):
stopping that work actually pulled away what was actually filling their cup every day.
So imagine somebody comes along and says I'm going to pull this plug and pull this plug, everything that you're plugged into
and all you need is what we have here, then what might have been fulfilling you before was taken away.
(15:43):
And now you have like whatever percentage is left over and you have to rely on that percentage.
You have to rely on that. 40% was fulfilling because you were going to work. You had a routine. It felt pretty good to you. Not everyone likes work.
It depends on the job, but some people love it or some people enjoy the challenge. Some people like getting more money. Some people need more money.
(16:07):
So they have to do these things.
But it's also fulfilling for a lot of people.
And if they don't have a job and they are forced to do something that maybe they were talked into, maybe they really wanted to, you know, quit working.
There could be a number of reasons why somebody stops working and I'm just using this as an example.
But let's just say they stopped working and now something feels missing, something feels off, something feels a bit empty. They don't have to work anymore. Hooray! But something's off. Something's not right.
(16:41):
I used to go to work and I'll give you my example.
I used to go to work and meet other people, make friends at work.
Now that I work from home, the only people I meet are solicitors. So I have to get out.
And so that has changed in my life.
Before I met Asha, I was, it was a couple years before I met Asha, I was in the field and I met all kinds of people and it was nice. It was fine.
(17:13):
And then I started the blog and the podcast and talked about all the stuff that we talk about now that I've been doing for
the last oh, how many years now? 14, 15 years I've been coaching and then I started podcasting and the blog and all that.
So it's been a long time that I've been doing this alone and it was easy for me to adjust from going somewhere all the time
(17:34):
to being in a home office because it fits my personality.
But there might be people listening now who say that sounds like hell.
There might be people in your life that want to do other things that you don't want to do or aren't as interested in.
Like my wife loves plants and gardening. I don't.
(17:57):
So when she does that stuff, she does it alone.
And I told her the other day, hey, I'm going to go to this pinball place up the road. I think that might be fun.
I might meet some people there, but you know, it's not a place I hang out all the time, but it's a new place. I'll check it out.
And she said, well, I'd like to come with you. And I thought what? You don't want to do that.
(18:18):
I might like pinball sometimes, but I don't want to spend hours there. Okay, that sounds like fun. That's great. So that makes me happy.
But if she said, oh, yeah, have fun, go on your own, which I've done with other places, then it would be perfectly normal and perfectly fine. Why? Because I'm filling my cup.
I'm working on my own fulfillment, my own filling of values or fulfilling of values where I value things in my life, even if they're just recreational.
(18:49):
And if I don't fill those things, if I don't do those things, then I become the totality of who I am without those things.
That's a little vague, but I think you understand.
You will become the totality of who you are with what you fill your life with.
If you used to love to read and you don't read anymore, the person you are is someone without books or a person without the
(19:16):
time to read books or a person who now does other things besides read books.
And you have to ask yourself, is the totality of who I am right now OK with me?
And will I be OK going forward?
Because if you're not reading anymore and you used to love to read, but you're OK with that, then maybe you found something
(19:37):
else to fill your time, or maybe you just enjoy having the free time.
But these are important questions for yourself.
If I stop and ask myself questions like, am I OK never leaving the house?
Being in that quiet space, I'm going to say no.
I mean, if Asha wasn't here, I would probably want to leave more.
(19:58):
So I might be using her as sort of a crutch that prevents me from going out and meeting other people and doing the things
that I might do if I were alone.
So clearly I enjoy people in my life.
I'm not a complete introvert who doesn't want to see anyone. And that's helpful to know.
(20:18):
And then I imagine what it would be like to have a good strong bond with a male friend who is balanced and seems a lot like
me in ways that we can talk about things that men talk about.
And then we can also connect through compassion and empathy and respect.
(20:41):
And we're the type of person who, if I don't hold the door for the person in front of me, he will. I like people like that.
I like people who are like me. That gives me some balance.
And I also appreciate some of the imbalance that comes along, which can be valuable in certain friendships.
(21:02):
And so coming back around to where I started, there are a lot of people out there who go out into the world and just can't connect with others.
They want to be who they are, but they can't find others like them.
And in this case, the person who wrote said that she just wants authenticity. You know what?
(21:25):
If I insult you, tell me I insulted you.
I'm putting words in her mouth, but I imagine that somebody who is transparent and honest and just wants this authentic connection
with another person would also want to be told that they're being disrespectful if they are, or they just insulted them if they did.
(21:47):
Because that's what a real person does.
They tell you there's food on your face.
Hey, you got a booger coming out of your nose.
I mean, I've had to say that to people.
I don't think I used the word booger.
I just pointed, you got something on your nose right there, and then they fix it.
And I've seen conversations go on where I wasn't close and I saw something on a person's face and the person they were with didn't say a word.
(22:17):
I'm watching it going, are you going to tell that person that there's something on their face? And it was obvious. It wasn't like they missed it.
I mean, there are some people who just don't like to bring it up. Where's your authenticity?
I mean, I think that's a good idea to bring up because if something was on my face, I was talking to my friend for the last
half hour and somebody came along and said, hey, hey, you got something on your face.
(22:41):
And I took it off and it was very obvious.
I think I would ask my friend, why didn't you tell me?
My friend might say, well, I didn't want to bring it up and embarrass you or anything. Embarrassed?
I mean, now I've been embarrassed for a lot longer. Thanks to you. And I wouldn't be upset.
I would understand there's insecurities around that, but I would also say, don't do that again. Let me know.
(23:05):
I don't want to walk around with that on my face.
And so that would be the kind of connection that I would want, something authentic and something that somebody would appreciate.
Somebody appreciates my honesty, just like I would appreciate their honesty.
It would mean so much more to me for a friend or somebody I know to come to me and say, hey, you know, when you said that
(23:30):
thing about my mom, I really took offense to it.
I mean, as I talk about this, I think, oh my God, I get this bad feeling thinking that I might've said something hurtful because
I don't want to hurt my friend.
I don't want to offend him or her.
And I would ask, what did I say?
And then when they told me, I would probably say something like, oh, you're right.
(23:50):
Or I didn't even realize I was saying that, or I am so sorry. I would say it anyway.
I'm so sorry that I said that. That wasn't what I meant. I didn't mean to offend. That wasn't my intention at all. Thank you for telling me that.
I think that's a good way to respond.
Thank you so much for telling me that. I am so sorry. That was not my intention. I am so sorry.
(24:11):
And I definitely don't feel that way.
And I apologize that it came out that way.
That is a pretty authentic way to apologize, acknowledge, take responsibility for it, and let the other person know that that wasn't your intention. Unless it was.
If it was your intention, that's a different story.
(24:32):
But even if it was your intention, oh my God, you're right. I'm so sorry. Take responsibility, apologize, own it. Yep, you're right. I did it. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong.
I had to do that once with a friend.
She said something to her kid, telling him not to do something.
And I told the kid, it's okay, you can do it.
And boy, that did not go over well.
(24:54):
And I was just kind of joking.
But what I did was usurp her parenting. And I felt awful. And she didn't say anything.
But she also didn't look at me for a while. And I just felt the shift.
And you know, when you feel the shift, like, oh crap, I did, I opened my mouth and I said something stupid.
(25:19):
And I, instead of just letting it go and hoping it went away, I think I did the right thing.
I said, you know what, I'm sorry I said that. And I shouldn't have done that.
And she said, no, don't worry about it.
I said, no, I shouldn't have usurped your parenting.
And I did that, and it was wrong. And I'm sorry.
And she said, well, thank you for that. And then it was done. It was over. We got past it.
(25:45):
And I never made that mistake again.
So my child immaturity came out saying, oh, you don't have to listen to her. You know, at the time.
But I became the adult and took ownership, took responsibility and said, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
And from that point on, it's never been an issue.
(26:05):
But it would have been had I not taken responsibility, had I not apologized.
And I'm so. glad that one moment of tension, of weirdness, of awkwardness and clear violation that I did, I crossed her line.
I'm so glad that one moment didn't become something that hung over both of our heads for the rest of the time we were together.
(26:31):
Because we can have friendships like that.
We can have relationships like that, where something happens, there's no apology or there's a weirdness or an awkwardness
around it, but we kind of sweep it under the rug and just hope we all forget about it and move on. But nobody forgets.
When something awkward or weird or a violation, somebody crosses the line, when that happens, people don't forget. They carry it with them. You carry this stuff with you. I carry this stuff with me.
(27:03):
I have those little boxes checked in my brain that say, ah, this person is offensive. This person is toxic. I'll avoid this person.
But if any one of those people came to me today and said, you remember that time that I said this thing to you? I feel really bad about that.
(27:23):
And I've been thinking about it ever since.
I just wanted to apologize to you.
I just want to say, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that to you. And I would accept their apology.
I would say, thank you for saying that.
That really means a lot to me.
And then that box that I have ticked in my brain that tells me they're not safe to be around becomes unticked.
(27:45):
And I just erase it from my mind.
And now it's no longer hanging over our heads.
It's not always going to go that way.
Sometimes you'll have people apologize and you'll still be angry.
Or you'll apologize to them and they'll still be upset.
Or they'll say, ah, don't worry about it. I don't care. But they do.
This is why it's important, in my opinion, to say, no, I'm serious. I shouldn't have done that.
(28:10):
And I am so sorry I did it.
And if you've heard me talk about apologies before, don't ask for forgiveness.
At least, you know, unless you're religious, ask for forgiveness over there.
But don't ask for forgiveness from the person that you're apologizing to, because that's placing an expectation on the apology, adding a string.
Like, no strings attached apologies don't have this.
(28:32):
But if you want to make sure that it's not a true apology with no strings attached, don't ask for forgiveness. Will you forgive me, please?
Not a good idea, in my opinion.
If you ask for forgiveness, then you're putting somebody on the spot not to be able to take the time or have the time to process
what you just said and heal from the pain or the suffering or the thoughts that they've had over the days, months, and years
(28:59):
that have gone by, that they need time.
They need that time to process what just happened, what you just said.
So, I'm a proponent of not asking for forgiveness from people that we apologize to so that they can come to that conclusion, determination on their own.
And if they never forgive you, but everything seems okay otherwise, give them that. Let them have that. Honor that.
(29:28):
If I said, I'm sorry to someone and they didn't say, I forgive you, but everything seemed okay after that, then I would at
least say, hey, I did my part.
You know, I would say that to myself. I did my part.
If they choose to forgive me or not, that's them.
That's their challenge, their issue, if they even have an issue with it.
But if they don't even have an issue with it and they're thinking, it's not worth forgiving because you were pretty rotten then, I would understand that. Okay.
(29:57):
You know, they took it really terribly or maybe I meant it really terribly and okay, they don't want to forgive and that's fine.
Because if they're cool, I apologized and they said, good, you should have apologized or they felt that way and they didn't
say it, but suddenly everything's good with us again and there's nothing weird lingering because you know that feeling, then
(30:20):
you can move on and move forward and be happy that you did your part.
And that doesn't mean they owe you anything.
They don't, you know, somebody we've wronged doesn't owe us.
So we can let them not forgive us if they want to. That's if that's what they want.
That's what a loving and supporting person does.
We let somebody be who they are.
(30:41):
We let somebody make decisions that are right for them and we let them be. We accept them as is. Like buying a used car.
We have to buy it as is. That's what it is.
And so again, coming back to what we started talking about, if you feel like you're a foreigner in a world full of people
(31:05):
that you just want to connect with, or at least some people that you want to connect with, but you can't, I'm not here to give you the solution to that. I'm just here to relate.
I'm here to empathize with that because that's how I feel.
The good news is, and this is something I've learned over the years, is that there are so many good and like people like you, like me.
(31:31):
There are so many good and like people out there and they are almost always strangers.
They are almost always so much like us that they are unwilling to come up to us and connect with us because we may not do that either.
I may not go up to somebody and talk to them, but they may not want to come up to me and talk to me, yet we may be a perfect
(32:00):
match as a friendship or a relationship.
But because I'm not the kind who goes out and does that, and they're not the kind that goes out and does that, we'll never
meet each other, or we may never meet each other.
Which is why I have committed to going out to do more things that I enjoy because I'm going to meet people that are doing
(32:23):
the things that they enjoy, which just happens to be the things that I enjoy.
I remember my wife said this a long time ago, if you want to make friends, go out and do things that you like and you'll meet
people that do things that they like and you just happen to be in the same place at the same time.
And I think that's a great way to look at it.
(32:44):
And I just got to get off my butt and do it.
So I appreciate that advice and I use that advice in my own life and I share it with you because I'm guilty of this.
Not that there's anything to be guilty of, but if I truly want to connect with others and I truly want to connect with people
(33:07):
that are maybe like-minded or at least balanced in a way that I feel balanced.
I'm not saying the balance is perfect, but that the way I feel inside of me and I want to connect with people that are like
me in many ways, then I'm not going to meet them by never going out and being around them.
So my life is changing in that direction.
(33:31):
And I share all of this with you just in case you need to hear that there are probably people out there, if you're looking
for friendships, if you're looking for a relationship, there are probably many people out there that are a lot like you or
highly compatible with you, either as a friend or romantic partner, that might be a lot like you to the point where they don't know how to meet you either. I think that's kind of cool.
(34:03):
I think that's a really cool concept to think about because if there are those out there, which I know there are, then all
you have to do is be in the right place at the right time, which can be hard, but the more you're out there around people,
socializing, networking, whatever you need to do, the more likely you will meet the right people.
(34:25):
So I don't know if this is improving your life or giving you value at all, but I wanted to share it just in case you are in
the position that I'm in a lot of the time.
And it's true, I don't have a lot of time anyway.
So it's not like I can go out all the time and meet people all the time, but making an effort, that's the whole point is make
an effort and maybe the effort will pay off. I hope this helps.
(34:49):
Thanks for listening to another episode of the overwhelmed brain.
I want to thank Christie and Anna and Sandra and all the patrons that give back every month. I am very grateful for you.
And Deborah, of course, thank you all the patrons and people who donate just to show their support. And I'm so grateful for you.
And if you find value in this show, like these patrons and these donators do, and you want to give back to head over to moretob.com
(35:15):
and there are ways to do that over there. Thank you so much.
And if you're looking for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
Interestingly enough, this episode was about creating easier relationships, more pleasant relationships.
But for those difficult ones with controlling or manipulative behaviors that you may not even know you're experiencing, again,
(35:39):
go to loveandabuse.com and I talk about that over there.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and maybe you keep ruining relationships and you don't want to
do that anymore, or maybe your relationship is on the verge, you know, the verge of falling apart, the verge of breaking down,
and you know, you're the one that is causing this or you believe you are, head over to healedbeing.com and I have a comprehensive
(36:04):
program to help you change the behaviors that are causing the problems in the relationship. That's over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, I want you to always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your
decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
(36:24):
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
(37:35):
www.healedbeing.com
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