Lube 101

Whether you're alone or partnered up, using personal lubricants is nothing to be ashamed of. Cristen and Caroline outline the history, use, and benefits of women using lube and dispel sex-shaming expectations about how female bodies ought to ready themselves for sex.

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stuff Mob Never Told You from How Supports
Not Cold. Hello, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Kristen
and I'm Caroline and it's a rather sexy week here
on Stuff Mom Never Told You. Last episode we talked
about anal sex. Yes we did, it's true. Today we're

(00:27):
lubing you up to talk about Loubo. Yep. There it
is slippery when wet, folks. That could be the title
of this podcast. I remember the first time, like in
pop culture, that it actually occurred to me as a
young person. What slippery when we could mean? I was
watching the Terrible Batman's sequel. I think it's the Val

(00:47):
Kilmer one, or is it the George Clooney one. I'm
pretty sure it's Vel Kilmer where Uma Thurman is poison
ivy and she's she there's like a flashes to a
sign in reference to her. That's the slippery and wet
and I don't I think I must have been in
like seventh grade or something. I don't know any of
these dates or statistics about Batman, but I just remember

(01:07):
being like, I get that, it all makes sense. It
all makes sense. Lubrication it's something sexual, yes, and it's
something that's important for us to know about and understand
and to not be ashamed to talk about or to use. Absolutely,
we need to like destigmatize lube for sure. Yeah, I mean,

(01:29):
because we've talked about vibrators before on the podcast obviously
with anal Sex, we talked a lot about de stigmatization.
But come to find out, with reading our sources about lubricant,
there's a lot of like self inflicted lub shaming that
goes on, and a lot of concerns that people with
vaginas have about how much our bodies make or don't

(01:53):
make its own lubricant. And we're going to focus more
on the store bought lubricant or this episode, but we
will get into a little bit of anatomy. But first
to sideline onto a podcast for a little while back,
let's briefly talk about Rhonda Rousey and don't worry, we're

(02:14):
not going to get like too personal with Ronda. However,
we have to as part of our jobs destigmatize WOOBE
and unfortunately, Rhonda Rousey is on the opposite side of things. Yeah.
So she in early November of gave an interview to
Maximum readers, and I think it was like a Q

(02:36):
and a of like ask Ronda questions in A thirty
six year old dude asked Rhonda what should a guy
always do in bed? And what did she say? Caroline?
In part, she said take his time. That's good advice.
Take yeah, she says in general, a girl takes a minute,
he needs to get her ready. Okay, all right, I

(02:56):
support that on board. However, it takes the dark shamy
turn when she says you should never need lube in
your life. If you need lube, then you're being lazy
and you're not taking your time. Randa, listen, I know
you're young, and I know that you know you're used
to smack talking your opponents as part of your game.

(03:18):
It's part of competition. But there is no need to
be shaming people for using lube. Don't smack talk Muscags Glands. Okay,
my Barthlon Glands. I know, come on now, nobody has
time for this. Nobody has time for Randa's lube hate.
And in I think it was it was a salon
piece that was talking about this, and the sex educators

(03:39):
were coming out of the woodwork to describe all of
the ways in which she was so wrong and off base.
So one of those sex educators that Salon quotes was
social worker Ada Mandalay, who said that depending on the
kind of sex being had, luke can be essential. Because
news flash, that's my note. Not all of our orifice

(04:00):
has produced the necessary fluids to ensure adequate slipperiness, especially
as we talked about in our last episode anal play.
There's also so many other instances when you might need
or want. Loop mentally goes on to say if someone
is undergoing cancer treatments, going through menopause, or even taking
certain medications, their natural lubrication production can dramatically change and increase.

(04:25):
She goes on to even mention survivors of sexual trauma
who might feel mentally ready to have sex, but their
body has become so dissociated that lubrication just isn't possible.
And she goes on to say, none of these things
that that I have listed are about people being lazy. Yeah,
I mean personal lubrication even gets down to fluctuations in

(04:46):
our daily hormone cycles of stress. There's a lot that
can influence what's going on down there. And the thing
is much like machines, because are we not just robots
with fleshy skin suits. Are we human or are we dancer?
Oh yeah, machine dancer. But just like those machine dancers, Caroline,

(05:08):
we need lubrication to keep our parts moving smoothly and pleasurably.
And that's great reason number one because also, like robot dancers,
if you don't have enough lubrication, you might injure yourself
or or get some unpleasant irritation from friction. Yeah. So

(05:30):
the vagina does self lubricate thanks to those bartholons and
skeins glands that Kristen mentioned, but not everybody's vagina's self
lubricate the same amount or consistently or at all. And
like christ And said, it can vary, and like that
sex educator Mandalis said, there are so many different factors
that go into vaginal lubrication, and so we mentioned that. Yeah, okay,

(05:52):
so the vagina does self lubricate, it can vary, but
anuses and rectums definitely don't. And like we talked about
in our anal sex episode last time, the skin around
the anus is super thin and sensitive, and so whether
you're experiencing anal sex or vaginal sex, if the tissue tears,
that can increase your chances of spreading or getting an

(06:13):
s t I or a bacterial infection. Therefore, lubrication, whether
it's natural or store bought, is your friend. Yes. And
it's also your friend because it can make sex, whatever
kind of sex you might be having, solo, partnered, whatever,
it can make it feel better. So you have things

(06:34):
like thicker lubricants that reduce friction, which makes it better
for things like anal sex because of that tender rectal tissue.
And then there's this often cited in Indiana University study
involving more than twenty four hundred women that offered a
pretty solid case on behalf of lube being used regularly

(06:58):
in the bedroom. Yeah, and so it is worth noting
that they focused mostly on penis and vagina sex and masturbation,
but there was some penis in anas sex. Uh. And
they found that women who used one of the six
lubes tested reported much higher rates of sexual satisfaction and pleasure.
Of course, also, for while we're noting things, we do

(07:19):
have to note that the lube company Loube maker Pure Romance,
provided three of the six lubes and in kind support
for the study. But then again, it is a study
of twenty four hundred women, and it was so that's
nothing to sneeze at that a majority reported more pleasurable
sex thanks to lube. And one thing that I mean,

(07:41):
I knew that there were all sorts of loops available,
but I didn't really fully understand that just the depth
and breadth of the lubricant options that we have literally
had a fingerchhips because no matter what kind of sex
you're interested in or mass a bastion, no matter what
your physical anatomy or level of like personal lubrication, there's

(08:05):
something for everyone. There are literally hundreds of varieties. You
can get things like flavored loubes, spermacidal loobs, warming lobes,
which do you personally freaked me out? Um, and then
water silicone hybrids, and all of this makes up a
two hundred nineteen million dollar annual market ASLVE. And now

(08:26):
I'm just imagining their annual convention. I'm picturing like the
Wall Street of lube. Bye bye bye bye bye bye.
Sell Sell don't flip. It's like everyone's feet coming right
out from under them. That is a danger with silicone
based loubes. So the three main types of lubes excellent segue.

(08:48):
The three main types are silicon based, water based, and
oil based, although oil based is will proceed with caution.
We'll talk about that one last um. But silicon based
relatively are the newest loop developments on the market. They
laugh longer than water based lubes. They're safe to use
with latex, which is very important for safe sex and
using condoms. Uh. They're hypoallergenic and do not absorb into

(09:12):
the skin. But because they don't wash off as well.
Um A wa, be careful with your sheets in your clothes.
B don't get any on the floor because you're gonna
end up really hurting yourself if you slip on it. Uh.
Clean up is a little harder. You need soap. But
also the big thing that people point out is that

(09:34):
silicone based lubes can damage silicone sex toys. So in
this case, like mixed with like is very bad. It
degrades your sex toys, which can make them not sanitarian
safe for use since so if you're using a silicone
sex story with silicone lube, make sure you're using a
barrier protection like a condom round it, or just go

(09:56):
for water based lubes with your sex toys. But definit
really clean up any that might be on the floor,
because that's going to be an awkward bruise to explore,
like a broken arm and what happened there have cut
slipt on a banana peel. So there's also as you mentioned,
water based lubricants. These are all purpose. They're safety use

(10:17):
with latex products, typically non irritating and easy to clean
up um, but they don't last quite as long because
of that. They don't have that that silicone thickness, and
they're made primarily of water go figure um with extra
ingredients to give a little texture and thickness. And they
also come in varieties of thicknesses. So they can either

(10:41):
be liquid so they're thin and clear, or they can
be more cream like like a thin lotion, which a
number of sources we read noted that they do tend
to taste more bitter, and they usually have a little
bit of silicone added. And then they're also gels that
are obviously going to be less watery than liquids and
also last longer, and you can use it in your

(11:04):
hair if you like. You know, that's really a thing.
And we so we were looking at a refinery twenty
nine like slideshow of of lube and there was one
that they were like, oh, this one also it's it's silicone,
it's a hybrid. Can also be used in your hair.
I feel like someone watched There's something about Mary and
then was like, I've got an idea. I've got a
more sanitary idea. But here's the thing. When it comes

(11:26):
to those water based lubricants, um, not only you know, yes,
they might work well for your hair, but they also
dry out quickly, and many contain glycerin, which can give
some people yeast infections. I don't know I needed to
sing that, but it just we've got because we've got
a sugarcoat, the full concept. Yeah, and and I said

(11:47):
sugarcoat because glycerin is a preservative that helps those water
based lubes maintain moisture. But your body thinks it's a sugar.
So the theory goes that water based lube is just
feeding all of your vaginal flora Carolina made a yeast infection.
Pun Sure, it's like the most stuff Mom never told

(12:09):
you thing you've ever done. A big day for me.
But then they're also oil based lubricants, like a vasoline
or a lotion, and this can be good for solo
masturbation to avoid chafing or to mix it up. Um.
And it's also okay to use with polyurething condoms, but
huge but huge button. I feel like this is pretty

(12:30):
common knowledge, but it breaks down those latex condoms and
it can leave a coating on vaginas and rectums that
can lead to infection. Yeah, So a study and obstetrics
and gynecology found that women who used vasoline or other
oils were more likely to have bacterial and yeast infections.

(12:53):
Of the women who use petroleum jelly as a vaginal
lubricant reported experiencing bacterial vaginosis compared to women who didn't.
And the women who used introvaginal oils tested positive for
candida versus a much smaller percent. It was like eleven
or eighteen or something much less significant for women who
were not using oils. And so, what is up with

(13:16):
that new slash people who are using vasoline's chapstick. It's
not a moisturizer. Petroleum products suck moisture out, which if
you apply that to your introvaginal cells or your rectal cells,
that means that those cells are going to have the

(13:36):
moisture sucked out of them. They're going to shrivel up
and and shed, and that is going to leave you
more open to infection. So, not to scare you, but
save the vasoline for something else. Not to scare you,
but you should be scared. But you should not use
vasoline when it comes to partnered sex masturbations a whole

(13:57):
other thing. But here's the thing, you're one way way
back in the day, people were obviously still having sex
and obviously wanting to experiment with different kinds of lubricants.
But they had no vasiline. They had no hair gels
slash lubricant all in one. What did they do in
a handy pump bottle. Well, they turned to the kitchen.

(14:19):
And in the kitchen and ancient grease, greasy grease. Get
it was olive oil. Okay, so olive oil is not
just for cooking. We also get our first reference to
the use of olive oil as sexual personal lubricant in
three fifty BC and handily enough for them, although this

(14:40):
is not true. Please do not get this impression. Now
in the year they also thought of it as a contraceptive,
which is not true. It does not work. Please don't
do this, Please do not use olive oil as a contraceptive. Also,
do not use it with condoms. It isn't oil. Yeah,
Aristotle mentions it in his History of Animals, right ing

(15:00):
if the pots be smooth, conception is prevented. And next
we're going to cite a physician that I thought was
fake at first. Um, and I don't mean to get
to craft Kristen, but so I was. I was reading
an article about sort of the history of personal lubricant
and one name that came up is an ancient Greek

(15:22):
physician by the name of Sanus. And so I'm reading
along and I'm like, yes, Souranus. Then I was like,
wait a second, Well maybe you should spell it for
listeners to Yeah, okay, well it's spelled s O r
A n us. Wait what Yeah, that's like a carpenter
with the last name hammer. That's like a steams for

(15:44):
this with the last name zipper. Oh, this is zipperent.
So souranus or if you like to pronounce your planet
uranus Sonus. Uh thought that olive oil would prevent pregnancy
by clogging the uterus. So yeah, that's that's gross and
sounds uncomfortable. Who wants the congested uterus? It it's already
hysterical and floating around. It doesn't need a cold as well.

(16:06):
But so there was this idea in ancient Greece that
not only would you get nice and slippery using olive oil,
but that it would prevent pregnancy, which I don't know, frankly,
I bet, I mean, I bet it was great for
the skin. Yeah, you know, at the very least, I'm
imagining that women in ancient Greece is had glowing volva's
very very well taken care of. And then if we

(16:27):
head over to the East and ancient China, Korea, in Japan,
people would boil red seaweed to get a sticky liquid
called karagin in that they would use as an old
school lube. And we will revisit karagin in later in
this episode, because those ancient people's using red seaweed were
onto something. If we stick around in Japan though, from

(16:48):
the seventeenth to the nineteenth centuries, people were really big
on using mashed yams, which again is just another thing
that squeaks me out. They use them to lubricate their
animal and testine condoms. But fun act nowadays that grated
yam concoction is actually a popular soup any Japanese listeners,
who can let us know about this soup. I'm I'm

(17:10):
curious to know if that's common knowledge that this popular
soup was once possibly used as a as a lubricant. Yeah,
somebody phillips in um. But then, of course, speaking of vasoline.
In the late nineteenth century, we get Brooklyn chemist Robert
cheesebro who Robert Cheeseburger. Yes, I bet his buddies called

(17:32):
him that. I bet they didn't, but I will. So
Bob Cheeseburger Uh ends up tinkering with this gooey wax
by product from oil rig pumps that he found rig
workers using to put on burns and cuts as a barrier. Well,
so he looks at this, uh, this waxy byproduct and
ends up pulling out all the impurities making it safer

(17:54):
for human use and creates vasoline. And not too long after,
in nineteen o four, ky jelly comes along it's introduced
as a surgical aid. It was the first commercially made
lubricant f y I and it was made mostly of water, glycerin,

(18:14):
and cellulose a K A dietary fiber. And the reason
k y jelly drives up so fast was to lubricate
incision sites just for cutting. It wasn't meant to obviously
to like hang out around there, Yeah, hang out and
stay slippery, because then the surgeon would be like all
cutting you up all over the place be a disaster.

(18:37):
But in the sourcersor we read, by nineteen seventeen, KY
was officially reintroduced as a personal lubricant, which I couldn't
k Y is very kg with its own personal history.
Um and so if if that is in fact true,
I couldn't find another source to back up that one
source basically, so, and I know that seems like a

(18:58):
very small detail, but I would be interested to hear
from listeners anybody who might know if that's officially true
that in nineteen sev k Y introduced it as a
personal wink wink wink lubricant. I just blinked at you.
I didn't wink at you. Well, is that why it
was unavailable over the counter for so long? It wasn't
until nineteen eight that you could just walk into your

(19:19):
local drug store and be like, I'm gonna buy some KY.
I don't know. Which is so funny because when you
go into drug stores now you see so many lubes
on the counter and even personal massagers. Well then in
nineteen seven, hopping back just a few years after k
y jelly is introduced, you do have a little product
called Crisco, which, um this, by the way, this knowledge

(19:42):
about the history of Crisco as a personal lubricant is
ruining all of my childhood cookie recipe. Yes, yeah, so
like k y jelly, Crisco was obviously not first intended
as a personal sexual lubricant. It was actually developed and
this ruins my idea of cookie recipes by itself, Like,

(20:03):
never mind the use as a lube. They actually developed
it as a replacement for beef tallow and candle making.
But with the with the widespread use of electric light,
they were like, well, we've got all of this like
veggie tallow, what are we supposed to do with it? So,
through some clever marketing, it was repurposed as a cooking product,

(20:23):
So how about them cookies. In the nineteen seventies, though,
it did emerge as a popular lube among gay men,
and even in nineteen seventy seven The Joy of Gay Sex,
they wrote vegetable shortening maybe the best lubricants that it's
not only greasy but also digestible and you can make
candles out of it, I guess, and cookies. Is there

(20:45):
anything Criscoe can't do? So clearly there's a rich history
of personal lubricants. There's so many varieties. But we also
need to talk a little bit about some health concerns
which we kind of hinted at so far. Yeah, we've
talked about how not using lube can cause injury and
infection because if you are not properly lubricated, that can

(21:07):
leave you vulnerable to tears, which then leaves you vulnerable
to infection. And as we mentioned when we discussed the
whole glycerin thing, there are lubes that do promote yeast
infections and bacterial vaginosis, although a lot of the studies
into this are like, oh, we need more research and
so MAYO clinic O b g I N. Mary Marnarch

(21:28):
recommends that people use glycerin free options when available, like
astro glide free or silicon based lubes. And some are
concerned that lubricants aren't tested well enough because the FDA
classifies lubricants under medical devices so it doesn't require testing
and humans just animals. And by the way, reckful use

(21:51):
of personal lubricants is technically considered off label, so they
aren't even testing for that at all, which is crazy,
well know, because they're I mean, they're just they're just
testing that such a heteronormative testament mice, that's very hetero
sexist w F D a UM. But according to some experiments,
some products might actually damage delicate tissue speaking of our rectums,

(22:14):
or leave you vulnerable to infection, although again cut and
dried proof is a little hard to come by. Yeah.
Writing in the journal Chemical and Engineering News, Dr Lauren
k Will have cited a sexually transmitted diseases study that's
a journal name, but it's also about STDs that found
that participants who consistently used personal lubricants for rectal intercourse

(22:36):
had a higher rate of s t I S like
chlamydia than people who just used it occasionally. So what's
going on. The worries about this are based on my
studies of lubes. Osm Reality, which is my new favorite
word Christian. Osmolality is the overall concentration of a product's
molecular ingredients. So in somebody studies, when lady mice were

(22:59):
exposed to high osmalality lube, they were more susceptible to
HERPIS infection. So what's going on there? What's happening with
all that osmolality? These high osmolality products like lubes with
glycerine and propylene glycol in them, Well, those elements of
lubes work to keep them slippery and keep them from

(23:21):
evaporating as fast. But the whole thing is that when
you've got products with high osmality, it can put your
whole body chemistry off kilter, and those vaginal rectal cells
can shrivel up in shed like we talked about with vassaline,
This can potentially weaken the body's defenses. Not to mention
that high asthmalality products and spermacidal products can kill off

(23:43):
some of that happy vaginal flora which can lead to
bacterial vaginosis. And now I'm just picturing Bob Ross painting
happy vaginal flora. Well, so what are we to do
about it? First of all, don't necessarily panic, because, as
Jim pick At, whose chair of the International Actual Microbicide
Advocates Group, says, yes, we have some signals that are concerning,

(24:07):
but quote, just because the lubricant causes cell damage in
the lab, we don't know whether it has anything to
do with disease transmission and humans in the real world,
because again going back to the FDA, because it's classified
as a medical device, it doesn't have to be tested
on humans. So there's a study on monkeys which showed
no signs of cell damage over six months. And using

(24:31):
lube every once in a while and having one partner
like one monogamous partner means a lower risk of of
this bacterial stuff happening. Yeah, it's just the idea of
protecting yourself and being smart about your sexual encounters. And
there is good news. We have another recommendation um in
these studies that Lauren K. Wolf and Jim Pickett we're

(24:53):
talking about the product Good Clean Love did not damage
tissues or increase a HIV risk in a study. So,
in addition to all this stuff, the big in real
life worry, the I r L worry for the past
fifteen years, has been over the surfactant, in other words,
a detergent and wedding agent, non oxin A nine. It

(25:15):
sounds very space age and scientific, but this product non
oxidal nine, had been used in spermocidal loobs for a
long time because it destroys sperm membranes, and so researchers
were testing whether it could block HIV transmission noble cause.
But not only can it not, but it actually increases
the risk of contracting HIV. And they found this out

(25:38):
by following a population of at risk sex workers in Asia.
And the reason why that risk went up was because
those spermocidal properties are also bad news for cells lying
the vagina and the rectum, because the vaginal wall is
pretty great at fighting infection on its own and doesn't
really need so much helps. So is this a signal

(26:01):
to think twice about using spermacidal lubricants? I think so.
I think it's also a good sign to talk to
your doctor. Yeah, talk to your doctor. You know, don't
perhaps have multiple sexual partners at the same time if
you're not using proper protection. All of those basic things.
And so obviously it's important to protect yourself and be smart.

(26:22):
Because there is a bonus. We talked about how we
would return to seaweed cry seaweed bonus, seaweed based lube bonus,
a celiberty bonus. Uh So that seaweed byproduct karagin in
that happens when you boil red seaweed turns out it
might be useful as an inexpensive topical protection against the

(26:43):
sexual transmission of HPV Come again, Yeah what? In a
two thousand six study in the Journal Plus Pathogens, they
found that HPV virus particles were unable to bind two
cells when karaginen was present, and that includes sperm. Studies
have shown that HPV combine to sperm cells and go

(27:05):
farther into the female genital tract, and so carrageen and
appears to prevent that too. And since it's already in
a widespread commercial use as a thickening agent for a
lot of food and cosmetic products, we know that it's
pretty safe, so it could have a good safety profile
for long term vaginal use. Are you telling me, Caroline
that we should all just like get real d I

(27:27):
Y about this run out by some red seaweed and
boil it and just use whatever is left in the pot.
I would tell you to go to your gynecologist and
asked me about carragin and yeah, I ask your doctor
about where these studies have gone. Yeah, I mean, I'm
just wondering, like what the practical application of the carragin
in would be like, are there it would be a gel.

(27:48):
There's been a lot there's been a lot of conversation
out there in terms of carrageen in infused lubricants UM
and carrageen in product for this very purpose. UM. But
I would also encourage people to not throw out their
condoms just because. Yeah, so just because just I mean,

(28:11):
you should just have them anyway, you know, in case
you want to make a balloon animal, if you want
to make a centerpiece or something. But here's the thing.
Using lube does not mean you're a failure or you're
bad at sex, or you're inadequate or unnatural. As we
have emphasized over and over again, it tends to make
things more pleasurable. And lube also, it is worth mentioning,

(28:33):
is a very important resource for people who have wolvedenia
and vaginiceness and other conditions that make sex painful. And
so there's even something, um, a stuff I've never told
you listener messages about a while back. UM is something
called scream cream, which is a combination prescription lubricant with

(28:58):
a little bit of a numbering agent and as well,
I don't know if it's light cane or what, um,
but this listener wrote us and said that it completely
revolutionized her sexual experiences because it made sex even possible. Yes, However,
for the general population, be very, very careful if you're

(29:19):
using any type of numbing agent for any type of sex,
because pain in in a normal individual who does not
have volvedenia or or related UH conditions, Pain is your
body signal that something is wrong, and so if you are,
for instance, having anal sex with lubricant that includes a

(29:40):
numbing agent, um something something not great could happen. You
could experience that tissue tearing or or worse. So just
please be careful if you're using lubricants with numbing agents. Well,
and we've been talking a lot about spermicidal lubricants, but
what about using lubricants while pregnant, Because a lot of

(30:03):
sources will say, well, you might not even need to
use any lubricant because for many pregnant women not all
um vaginal lubrication actually increases during that time. But is
it still safe to use lub while you're pregnant. Yeah,
it's totally safe, but there are some things to keep
in mind. This was coming from a Parents magazine article

(30:26):
that we found UH. An assistant professor of Obstetrics and
Gynecology at the University of Rochester Medical Center told pregnant
moms that their best bet is a water based product,
and she recommends products like Astroglide UH, Sliquid Naturals H
two O yes, water based organic lubricant, and something called

(30:49):
slippery stuff, which I just like to imagine that that's
the lower case that it's just slippery. Just try slippery stuff.
I don't know, it just sounds like ghack from Way
Black one. So steer clear maybe then of the silicon
based lubricants and stick more with the water based lubricants
if you're pregnant, because to emphasize again, while for many

(31:10):
pregnant women, pregnancy comes along with increased fasial lubrication, but
the opposite can also happen. I mean that's the thing
with this whole lubrication issue. It's like it could be
one way, or it could be totally the other. And
that might be for different bodies, or it could just
be at different times in your life. Yeah, and and
and if there is a pride issue or a shame

(31:32):
issue for you or your partner or your friends, even
around lube, I mean, I think it's safe to say
that lube can be used by anyone at any time
for any type of sexual activity to make it better.
Whatever better means, if it just feels better, if it's safer, Um,
I think it's okay to use. There were plenty of
people quoted in these articles that we read who were

(31:53):
just saying, like, I don't have problems with personal my
own personal lubrication, but my partner and I just love
to use lube that we buy at the store to
improve our sexual experience. It means we can potentially go
longer or have a more intimate experience. And you can
also try it out so low before you bring another
person into the mix if you want to, just to

(32:15):
see how you like it, take it for a test drive. Right, So,
listeners curious to hear your lubricant thoughts and if you
have any recommendations. You all always have such fantastic recommendations
for so many things, so we'd be curious to know
what kind of lubricants you really prefer or some that
have not worked very well for you. Mom step at

(32:36):
House Stepwork dot Com is our email address. You can
also tweet us at mom Stuff podcast or messages on Facebook,
and we've got a couple of messages to share with
you right now. Well, I have a letter here from
Hillary in response to our little mis perfect episode on perfectionism.

(32:57):
So she starts out with a list illustrating some of
her perfectionist like self improvement tendencies. Uh, she says, I
listened to while going for a sixteen mile run because
I like to be able to run a marathon with
only five to six weeks notice. On a Saturday morning,
before I had leased up my shoes, I'd read a
few chapters of Africa Betrayed because I wish I had

(33:18):
more exposure to African theorist in school in this particular text,
with my book in my Field but unrelated to work
book of the Week, and reviewed my French vocabulary, a
language that I'm taking so that I will be more
competitive as an applicant to work in Francophone Africa. With
the exception of the issue with procrastination, the prototypical perfectionist
description fit me to a t. The fear of failure,

(33:40):
the consistently high expectations for yourself and others. These are
some of my most defining characteristics. I think my particular
brand of perfectionism as the result of three things. A
born tendency toward perfectionism, the uncertainty of what having lupus
entails from my future, and knowing that scholastic achievement was
a way to get out of a town where I
felt a welcome and happy. I remember one day I

(34:02):
came home from school and sat down to do my homework.
Immediately after I stepped through the door, when my mom
told me I could go play before the sunset and
do my homework later, I responded, Nah, I'll feel better
if I just get it done now. I was in
the third grade, and Hillary that paragraph really jumped out
to me because I remember doing the same thing. Um.
She goes on to say, when I began showing signs

(34:24):
of lupus, I was only thirteen. Others in my family
with the disease, especially my mom, had only begun having
problems in their thirties. While I've been lucky that my
presentation is mild and that I can still live an
active life, in the back of my mind, I always
wonder if I'll be able to replicate what I've done
today and yesterday by tomorrow. Part of the reason that
I'm a vegetarian and an athlete is that doctors told

(34:44):
me that the best thing I could do for myself
and managing the disease was to treat my body well.
As silly as it is, I feel a weird vindication
and pushing my body physically. At least then I get
to control the hurt and say that I'm merely trying
to stay active and manage my disease and stress through exercise.
Hillary goes on to describe how hard she worked in school,
pushing herself to get a high g p A to

(35:04):
get out of Augusta, Georgia. She says her fears were revived, however,
when I arrived on campus at college. In order to
keep my scholarship, I had to maintain a certain g
p A. In the first weeks on campus, I learned
about an accelerated five year bachelor's master's program in international
studies that admitted only eight students a year, and I
set my heart on being accepted. As a product of

(35:26):
a Georgia public school system surrounded by thousands of prep
school geniuses, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able
to keep up intellectually. I practically lived in the library
date nights with my then boyfriend were spent in the
adream of of our favorite study hall, splitting desserts that
we've taken out, and over stuff take out containers from
the cafeteria. I was accepted into the five year program,
and I finished my time at Johns Hopkins with a

(35:48):
three point nine for g p A and was inducted
into five Beta Kappa. I'm now working a wonderful research
job in my field in Washington, d C. A city
I had wanted to move to since I was twelve,
and yet the tendencies towards a fear of failure and
an almost manic workpace have only accelerated as I've gotten
older and left academia. I dread the thought of missing
a deadline. I live and die by my Google calendar,

(36:10):
and I pride myself on having five irons in the
fire at any given time. Life as a perfectionist feels
like being constantly caught in the churning of the ocean.
If you've ever been in a particularly strong current, you
know the feeling of being pulled down and under is
the way of gains potential and momentum. You're pushed forward
by a force you can't entirely explain or since the
source of it's exhilarating and a little scary, at least

(36:32):
the first time, before you know what to expect. The
second that you set an objective or achieve a goal
is like reaching the crest of the wave. It's a
half second period of stillness before the force, the momentum,
the potential pushes you forward and under again. I'm still
struggling to maintain the aspects of my perfectionism that I
like while lowering my expectations of others. Not my monkey,
not my circus. And your podcast was a great help

(36:54):
to me and identifying some potentially unhealthy habits I have.
So thanks Hillary and good love with your perfectionism. And
I've got a letter here from Sarah about our anxiety
podcasts as well, and she writes, I struggled with depression
and anxiety my whole life. I suffer from recently diagnosed
generalized anxiety disorder. What up I can relate. So she

(37:16):
goes on to say one of the new fads I've
found that helps me is coloring. I discovered its therapeutic
benefits from an article about meditation replacements. My therapist agreed
and told me that it helps with mindfulness focusing on
the here and now versus worrying about the past or future.
There are hundreds of pre coloring pages out there, especially
on Pinterest, and it's worked wonderfully for me. To anyone

(37:39):
who suffers from anxiety, either diagnosed or undiagnosed, I think
the best advice I can offer is to find a
coping mechanism that works best for you and utilize it.
The social stigma behind mental health issues is more damaging
than the issues themselves, so always find the people in
your life who will support you. That's by far the
best way to fight the disease. Thank you for your
time and for the excellent podcast. I'm a relatively new

(38:02):
listener and enjoy it immensely well. We enjoy immensely hearing
from all of you. Mom Stuff at how stuff works
dot com is our email address and for links all
of our social media as well as all of our blogs, videos,
and podcasts, including this one with our sources. So you
can learn more about personal lubricants, head on over to
stuff Mom Never Told You dot com for more on

(38:29):
this and thousands of other topics. Is a house. Stuff
works dot com