Becoming a Survivor

In this final episode of our miniseries on trauma, we talk about what it means to become a survivor.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hey, this is Annie and welcome to stuff I never
told your production of I Heart Media and how that
works listeners. Here we are at the end of our

(00:24):
mini series slash like full blown series and of on
Trauma UM and yes, thanks to Samantha for being with
me on this journey. Thanks guys for let me be
part of it. Yeah, it's been Um, it's been a lot.
There's a lot. Yeah. We talked about grooming, what trauma

(00:45):
looks like, how it feels bad, coping good, coping, the
literal cost of coming forward, rape kits, trauma form training,
we did therapy on air. We talked about empathy. So yeah,
it's been quite the journey. And so for our final episode,
we're going to talk about becoming a survivor what that

(01:06):
can look like. Because while Samantha and I are in
different stages, we are both in this overall phase and
for listeners out there in different phases, we do want
you to know that things get better. As cliche as
it sounds, as I know someone who's heard that and
you're thinking, no, never, it does, It passes. It's just

(01:29):
every day it's another day behind you. Yeah, and it,
like we've said many many times, it is not a
straight line. UM trigger warnings for this episode sexual assaults, abuse,
and substance abuse. I don't think, yeah, but we should
add in their UM a little bit conversation about rape
and domestic violence. Okay, UM, So I want to ask you, Samantha,

(01:53):
what does it mean being a survivor? Well, I think, honestly,
for me, being a survivor is that I'm fixed or
that I'm completely helled. Um, is that I know I've
claimed my trauma and I'm able to recognize it more
and more and able to use coping skills when I need,
and knowing when I need community help me through. So
I think overall, surviving means uh, just knowing where I'm

(02:16):
at and still claiming myself because a part of the trauma,
part of the abuse is um, someone takes away your
humanity or takes away your safety. And so when I
feel like I I understand where I've been and it's
not that I'm okay, it's not that I'm fixed again,
but it's that I can recognize who I am and

(02:36):
I'm not defined by the trauma and I'm not defined
by what someone did to me. But I'm more of okay.
This is a part of my life, and I can
recognize when the bad things happen, and I can I
also use these bad things for better Yeah. Yeah, that's
that was lovely. UM. And I do want to say
before I go into mind that I read some folks
prefer not to be called a survivor at all, um,

(02:59):
to like move past that stage completely. And it's all
about giving you control of your narrative because you've lost
control at one point in your life. And for me,
one of the things that I've learned through doing this,
because I'm actually very new to this whole thing, um,
being able to recognize things, and because I feel like

(03:23):
before a lot of things were happening that were out
of my control and I thought they were in my control,
but they weren't. So part of becoming a survivor to
me is seeing those things for what they are and
being able to to recognize them and control them. And UM,
being open about it about my experiences in the really
confusing way that I feel about a lot of them,

(03:45):
UM hopefully make others who have gone through similar things
feel less alone or feel like there is I don't.
It's so strange because UM, so many of you have
written in and it's been wonderful. UM. And just knowing
that people do connect to things that you feel are
very isolated or specific to you. UM. Yeah, and that

(04:10):
healing isn't easy, but it is possible to have a
fulfilling life that is not defined by your traumatic experiences. UM.
It's being able to recognize what stems from your trauma
and deal with it in a healthy in a healthy way.
Sometimes I don't, sometimes I do, but I try, And
my average is better now than it was, I will say. Yeah.

(04:34):
And as we've gone through this series, UM, I like
twelve thirteen episodes and now probably more than that, you've
heard a lot of voices and we wanted to include
some of their thoughts on this question to show you
some different ways that becoming a survivor can look UM.
And also as you're listening to this, remember you don't
owe anyone anything. UM. You're going to hear examples of

(04:58):
what people have done, what they do, but we encourage
you not to feel guilty that you're not doing more, UM,
because these things that we're going to talk about aren't
for everybody. Everyday acts of courage to right and in
general being a survivor. Once again is reclaiming yourself and
reclaiming your strength and reclaiming even the weaknesses and the vulnerability.

(05:18):
So it's not about all the actions. And I know
if you listen to myut therapy, I seem to like
harp on that, but that's my own thing. Don't don't
wear that, but it does. It is also recogniza that
I have a community once again. Andy and I bonded
over this pretty deeply, I think. I mean, I know,
like last week we had a moment of be like,

(05:38):
I love you and I loves everything we're doing right now. Um,
so well, I mean just saying that in itself is
an amazing connection. So it's not about what you've done,
It's about how you claimed it and who you are. Yeah,
and um, kind of going off of that, I honestly

(06:00):
was really embarrassed about what I talked about my therapy session.
So I love that so many people wrote in We're
like I feel this. It's things like that. It can
be something as quote heavy quotes small as that. Um.
A part of it too can be defining what justice
looks like for you, and that's come up in several

(06:20):
of our interviews. It might be a civil case versus
a criminal case. It can look several different ways, right,
And I think it's very important today with a tone
of the social climate, that we look at how it's
become a fight for those who identify as female, I mean,
with the me too era and with the people who
are speaking out and being more active justice can be
seen as um win or who define themselves as females

(06:41):
taking back their story and moving forward with being there
for one another and learning to be an advocate in
an ally for each other. And I think it's a
really important remind you guys. I know there's been some
questions like how does this relate to feminism. The fact
of the matter is, when we look at the overall art,
people don't believe women. We men sometimes don't believe women.

(07:02):
And part of the reason we wanted to do this
and we wanted to talk about this is because first
and foremost, we don't It should never go out of light.
It should always be at the forefront and conversation. I mean,
you and I talked about the fact that's just two
new recent cases where the perpetrators got off probably pretty
much good free um and it's not that they didn't
believe that women they just didn't feel like it was
bad enough. Taking someone's dignity is not bad enough to

(07:24):
serve time, which is absurd and injustice. But the problem,
the overall arc is this is where we learned to
become friends and each other's allies. And the fact is
we should believe women and that's the overall and how
do we go forward in healing? M hm. Yeah. For
a lot of survivors, advocacy is a big part of

(07:46):
surviving and we've been kind of touching on that a
lot too. Um, whether it's talking about your experience on
a podcast. Maybe, um, are going into social work, I
don't recommend it, maybe, or activism, all of the above.
There are so many ways to advocate UM. Sexual assault
counselor instituting trauma and formed training, victim advocacy, providing or

(08:07):
creating resources, educating, donating, volunteering at a nonprofit, giving a
space for survivors to share their stories, or an art
project that raises awareness. Right. Um, Actually, I was gonna
jump in because I know we're about to talk about artists,
but I didn't want to throw in something that one
of our listeners sent me citizen Instagram message about a
woman named Rachel Elizbeth Cargol, which she is an activist.

(08:29):
She's a phenomenal writer. She is a powerhouse essentially, and
she created a go fund me um called Therapy for
Black Women and Girls. And I think it's fantastic just
to kind of give off her story. UM, she was
talking about having the privilege of getting access to healthcare, UM,
and that her belief is that black women and girls
desert of access to healing and the planet Earth needs

(08:50):
the ripples that will form from their healing. UM. And
for her birthday, she did this whole go fund me
um and if you are interested a Black women who
have not been able to pay for the therapy sessions,
you can click on Therapy Support fund apparently that's on
the go fund me page and it again we go
funding pages Therapy for Black Women and Girls and they
raise a lot of money, which is fantastic and I'm

(09:13):
really sad that it takes a Go fund Me page
to get there, um, but it's phenomenal that a community
comes together and if you guys want to have a
conversation about therapean black women, that could be a whole
other session. And I think it's really important that we
do talk about that eventually, But I just love that
this woman, who is a powerhouse and herself, used her

(09:34):
name and notoriety to do something big. Yeah, that's that's amazing. UM.
A couple of episodes ago, you heard some from artists
and activists Jessica Caldis, and she spoke a lot about
healthy coping, but a lot of what she said had
to do with what being a survivor can look like,
in particular through helping pass laws or through advocating around that. UM.

(09:56):
And this is one of the biggest things that you
can do pushing for change in your local area, UM,
or your state or your federal but local is UM.
I think it's often forgotten. And she told us about
how she got involved and what it looks like. I
am a practicing artist here in Atlanta, and UM what
that means is that I make work UM in the

(10:19):
studio and also in public spaces, and I show it
all over the city and theoretically the world. But UM,
for me, what that also means is because UM, a
lot of the work I'm making is dealing with various
social issues. So I'm trying to tie that sort of
visual language to actionable change, and so a lot of

(10:39):
my practice includes policy work and advocacy in the communities,
UM that are affected by the issues I'm kind of
talking about so UM. After a couple of years of
primarily working with domestic violence, I found myself like really
trying to spread out and talk about other things. And
right around this same time was when Athena's Warehouse asked

(11:02):
me to speak at that movie UM. And I was
asked to speak because of the work I did around
domestic violence, and I think it was just assumed that
I would know something about sexual assault, which was what
this movie specifically spoke. And I don't think that the
organizer knew that I was a survivor myself, I had
at some point shared the fact that I was a

(11:24):
survivor and UM, and it was honestly the first time
I had shared publicly in any kind of forum that
I had had been raped. And I can't remember even
how much I shared. I like, honestly don't remember that
much about the moment. I just was like and I
remember backing off a little bit UM from it at
that at that time. UM. But as a result, the

(11:49):
organizer knew that I was a survivor and a couple
of years later, she was working on a bill in
the Georgia General Assembly and the bill was um the Moniker.
The name for the bill was called the rape Kit Bill.
It was just the H seven, that's it. And basically

(12:10):
the bill was being stalled for no really good reason
because it had bipartisan support and they needed someone who
was willing to speak as a survivor um to the
to the need for the bill. So the same person
who asked me to speak of this movie screening asked
me to come and speak to legislators about my experience. UM.

(12:34):
But actually prior to that, she and I wrote an
op ed which was I guess the second time I
wrote or said anything publicly about my own assault and
so um, and then I got published in the a GC,
so it was very public. And then I went into
the General Assembly and I talked to a bunch of
like Republican, old white male legislators about what happened to me,

(12:58):
and then we passed the rape Kit Bill, and which
was amazing. It was kind of concurrently that I was
also starting to make work about like artwork about sexual assaults,
and I was talking really generally about it, like using
statistics to make the work. And it was from that
point that I shared my story in the op ed

(13:18):
and in the general assimbly that I started to make
work about my own experience, which was a really different
place for me to be for sure. UM And since
then it's just been a continued process. I worked on
other bills that affect sexual assault survivors, I've made other work,
I've worked with other survivors and UM and it's just

(13:39):
been sort of it's just become a part of the
way I functioned in the world. The year following UM,
the rape Kit Bill UM in two thousand and seventeen
bill was proposed. It was h B fifty one and UM.
It essentially was a mandatory reporting bill for sex sho

(14:00):
assault survivors on college campuses UM and it was much
trickier than the rape Kit Bill. Like, honestly, the rape
Kit Bill was work, but it was it had Bipatterson's support.
Everyone understands what rape kits are and are supposed to do.
They understand why they should be processed and why them
languishing and like a storage unit is like inappropriate. That's

(14:21):
not difficult, but mandatory reporting is so much trickier, right.
I remember just remembering this bill because everybody was like,
it sounds great, exactly, don't you want to go talk
to the police that this is a better thing. We're
going to prosecute more this way, right, But yeah, And
that that's the thing is it sounds really good, especially
to folks who haven't experienced trauma or don't really understand

(14:43):
how sexual assault works or looks in the real world.
And so it was this thing where we learned about
the bill before it even really like got like moving. UM.
So I was working with a team of women. UM.
I was actually a part of the Georgia Women's Policy
Institute through the y w c A that year, and

(15:03):
so we were already aware of the fact that this
bill was going to come forward, and so we were prepared,
we were ready to go, and we ended up working
with student survivors and a whole host of different people.
But what it meant is that we had to be
tracking this bill from the beginning, UM. And we had
to testify against it multiple like every time it was

(15:24):
like taken to another level. We had to testify against
it so many times. So when you say testify, you
mean it can give you a personal experience to try
to counter. Yeah, basically, the bills moved through committees, right,
and so the first committee or whatever committee it's in,
you know, they have to have a hearing, and usually
the hearings are open to public comment um and so um,

(15:47):
and usually it's like anybody can comment, but there was
so much media and weirdness around this bill that they
limited it. Every every hearing was limited. So um. But
because I was working with this group that was kind
of like working behind the scenes, I ended up getting
to testify like I think four times against the bill.
And so it literally you go into room, there's this

(16:07):
panel of legislators, often most of whom are old white men,
and you're sitting in front of them, and you're telling
them the story of why they should not pass this bill.
And so what we're trying to explain, often in less
than three minutes, is why mandatory reporting isn't as good
as it sounds. And that's really difficult, especially if you're

(16:28):
an old white man man who trusts the criminal justice system.
So so it's like, you know, trying to explain that
mandatory reporting has statistically been proven to actually reduce the
rates of reporting of like victims coming forward and telling
their stories so that they can get help. Um, that's
something that people just don't believe, even though it's true,

(16:51):
you know, trying to explain that many people might fear
going to the police because of past experiences, or because
of their personal identity, or because of the circumstances of
when they might have been assaulted. Um. Annie and I
also go into a lot of statistics again about why
people don't want to come forward, and even when they
do come forward, how much trauma it causes. And I'm

(17:13):
guessing for you to have to testify and repeatedly have
to advocate for yourself in this manner, it's traumatic. Um.
In some ways, I mean I thought it would be
more traumatic than it was UM to be to be honest,
In some ways, it was really empowering because I felt UM,
because I felt really confident, like I had, I mean,

(17:35):
I had an incredible support team behind me, and that
really helped. Like if I had been there like on
my own, I probably wouldn't would have been a very
different story. But I was there with this group of
people who believed in what I had to say, and like,
we're support there to support me, and we're very much
like if you need to get out of there, you
get out of there. Um. But then at the same time,

(17:55):
like you give your like two and a half three
minute testimony, and then these these men ask you questions
that are super obtuse and often like I hope they
don't know, like but often like sort of victim blamey
or a little shamy, you know, like like kind of
like tapping into all those things that victims are completely

(18:17):
scared of or worried about if they are going to
tell their story. Right, one of the proponents of the
bill kept talking about false reporting and how all of
these boys we're being accused falsely and they were they
needed a fair shake and uh and you know, like
I someone one of them got the legislators asked me

(18:37):
about that, and I was like, well, it's you know,
it's pretty much reported like six percent, but often really
probably even less of reported rapes are false. And you know,
then trying to explain that just because someone's not convicted
of rape doesn't mean they didn't do it. Um, there's
like all these nuances that people don't get. And then

(18:59):
literally the follow up question was, well, don't you worry
about these boys who are falsely accused, and I just
and I you know, it's like not the I mean,
I I think I understand the question, but I also
am like, but why aren't you worried about all of
the people we know who are like getting assaulted and

(19:23):
can't do anything about it or are too scared to
do anything about it. You know, like, that's a fact
because the criminal punishments in the criminal cases have a
higher up standard of proof and burden and thus have
serious and like much more far reaching consequences, whereas civil cases,

(19:44):
the burden of proof, the standards for like you know,
getting those winning those cases is very different. But but
that's because the the sort of the end game of
those cases also serves different purpose purposes. It's often like
by financial or protection or sort of like these other
wrap around things, right, And Um, the easiest way to

(20:08):
sort of explain the fact that we have like a
campus system that has a lower burden of proof. Um,
first is this criminal system that should not be a
requirement by any means is because they will will always
do different things. You know, students need to be able
to say this is the right course of action action
for me and for survivors That's huge because to say

(20:31):
to a survivor, you have to do this thing to
get help or else you don't get anything, is like
a complete like continue like victimization, Like you're you're continuing
to take away their agency and re traumatizing them. And
literally the whole thing of rape is like like stealing
someone's agency. So doing that is pretty bad. So it's

(20:54):
like making sure that survivors have options that fit their
needs and where they are in terms of like dealing
with their own trauma, like is so vital. So having
a campus system that is different, has a different burden, approve,
has different outcomes to protect the student's education. Like that's
so important and it's very you know, some people might

(21:16):
do that. Some people might be like, I'm going to
go to the police and get this guy arrested. Some
people might be like I need both. Some people like
I don't need either, And that's the only person who
needs to make that decision is the survivor. It was
partly like making artwork and like doing all these healthy
things and then like doing advocacy work that ended up
really helping me get to a more positive space and

(21:38):
like a more like a greater ability to handle what
had happened to me. So that's one thing or one
avenue being a survivor can look like. UM a part
of what it can look like. We have some more
for you listeners, but first we have a quick break
for a word from our sponsor, m and we're back,

(22:04):
Thank you, sponsor. Another part of surviving is learning to
let go, or if you can't let go, at the
very least, recognize a lot of the guilt and self
blame and negative thoughts that come with the surviving of
a sexual assault. UM. Women are already more likely to
have negative self image and body image issues in general,

(22:27):
and going through something dramatic like we discussed in our
episode Unhealthy coping can amplify those thoughts or create them.
In our Good Coping episode, you also heard from Michelle
and Kenya of Outdoor Journal Tour and We Have to Heal,
and Michelle said something that really resonated and can be
a piece of healing. I think one of my favorite

(22:48):
UM is the body apology UM. I know again, as women,
I feel like we have like these standards that we
feel like we have to live up to or how
we should look, and we're not even as always just physically,
but you know sometimes we're um, you know, wanting to
be more or whatever, and you know, it's just an
apology to your body because look at all of the

(23:10):
things that your body has done for you, all the
places that your body has taken you. You know. But
that's probably one of my favorites because it's something that's
very um at least prevalent for me in my life.
So just stopping for a moment and pausing and you know,
apologizing for you know, calling myself fat or you know,

(23:32):
giving myself a hard time for this or for that,
or you know, wishing I could run faster, hike longer,
or whatever, and just apologizing for those things and being
grateful for everything that it does for me. This is
something I'm working really hard on showing myself some compassion.
I have treated my my body and myself without care,

(23:54):
without compassion for years, and I've really punished it, and
I'm trying hard to change that. And again with my
therapy sessition, I think it's fairly evident I struggle with
being accepted and wanted and body issues as an obvious
insecurity and hearing Michelle speak about apologizing to your body
with such a beautiful sentiment. I literally had to stop
bar and be like, oh my gosh, I love that.
And according to an article relating to women's self esteem,

(24:17):
it is very heavily linked that those with low self
esteem will more likely be able to be groomed as
well as likely being able to leave an abusive situation.
Um and we know, according to the dust studies that
they've completed, that that overt of women would stay they
have low self esteem, which is honestly a lot lower
than I thought, because most of the women I meet
are like, yeah, I don't like this about myself. But

(24:38):
in that of women that actually are a part of
this opt out of important events because the way they look,
and I know I did too, Like I think I
went and missed the funeral because I felt so bad
about myself. Of course, depression in itself was that, but
that was my excuse that I was not fit to
go out and be around people. And you know, I
feel as I'm getting older and learning from my trauma,

(25:01):
become more aware of the dangers of my insecurities of
my body. And again not to say I've resolved it,
because I still wear a lot of black and I
love my cartagans that cover everything. But I mean, we
struggle with it every day, and it is important to
note things like respecting your body, apologizing for being the
abusive to your own body. Um, she kind of stays.
And the fact is it does affect um how you

(25:24):
live your life, and it does affect whether or not
you can have the strength to leave a bad situation.
And something else to keep in mind that we've said
and it's worth repeating, is that some days will be
better than others. Um. Advocating itself can be traumatizing or
at the very least difficult, it can be discouraging. But

(25:44):
knowing that and allowing for it, and allowing yourself to
set boundaries and to keep yourself care in mind, it's
a really big part of this. In a rape Kit episode,
you heard from rape Kit researcher Renee Shelby and we
asked her how she coped some days you're just like,
I don't want to think about this is I don't
want to do this. I'm gonna you know, do you

(26:05):
do anything else? Like I will watch a dumb movie,
I will go get a massage at ritual bodywork, Uh,
you know, just any or clean my house like, there's
just some days where I have to completely block it out.
I don't know. But when you hear those stories too,
like Swanna hall story, you know, I read that and

(26:28):
I just get so infuriated that I'm like, what can
I do? Because this is just so unjust and no
one should have to go through this that it kind
of puts a fire in me where I'm like, you know,
I can, If I can handle it, I should. I
should do it. Nothing compared to what she went through.
I can only imagine what that feels like. Like you've

(26:50):
been saying, Samantha, community is a big part of this too,
and time that's a key part of healing. Telling someone,
trusting someone with your story is powerful. Rebecca, whose story
you heard in our episode around rape kits, she spoke
to this, I think that just space away from it. Um.
You know, it is very helpful and has always been

(27:10):
very helpful for me. UM. I think beyond that, sharing
my story with close friends of mine and family members
has been completely invaluable because I um, I think and
of course now with me too, it's a little more
it's out there. You know, Hopefully people more people recognize
how many people that sexual assault and rape has affected UM.

(27:32):
But I think prior to you know, prior to that,
it's like, oh, you know, you are supposed to feel
ashamed and you're supposed to not tell anyone, and that
feeling of being alone is so um it just it's
just horrible because you feel so ashamed because you're like,
oh God, no one else has gone through this, you know.
And so for the longest time, it was good for

(27:53):
me because I was like, cool, my parents know that
this happened to me, and like they love me anyway,
you know. And UM, I think just knowing that like
that didn't define, um, anything beyond beyond what happened, it
was very helpful for me. I also, I'm a very
creative person, so I'm I'm the type that like I

(28:14):
have to write things down, I have to like get
things out, um. And like I wrote a play about
my experience, and that was very helpful because I was
able to kind of process my trauma that way. UM.
And I co wrote it with a very good friend
of mine who also knows that that happened to me,
So that was very helpful because she also was like, oh, wow,
this is really like messed up that all this happened

(28:36):
to you, you know, UM, And I think just talking
about it for me has been very helpful. Um. Now
that's that. I don't think that's helpful for everyone and
everyone's experience, um, but for my personal experience, just feeling
like I can talk about it is um more than anything. Uh,
it just is encouraging to me and it has helped

(28:58):
me process the trauma a little more. Um. I don't
ever really feel triggered by the me too thing. If anything,
I feel like it's it's a little more. It makes
me feel a little more empowered and like I have
a little more agency because it's not just a single voice. Yeah.
If you're like I think they use that coup already,
I'm pretty sure you're right, but it's worth repeating to Yeah,

(29:19):
I absolutely agree. I know it's a difficult listen, but
it's so important of this incident and research really just
blew me away, honestly, and I wish people who continue
to doubt why this movement is important would actually listen. Yeah. Yeah.
One thing a lot of you have written in about
is what to do if your significant other or friend
or family members somebody you care about is a survivor.

(29:41):
How to be supportive, and I know that this can
be difficult. I've been on both sides. Honestly, the biggest
thing is open minded listening, offering support and not to
tute our own horn, but but kind of this thing
educated finding resources. UM. A lot of times we feel
that we have to do something for that other person

(30:03):
to make things better. I understand that feeling completely, but
that can be a way of making it about you
if you're not careful. UM. Not always, but really listening
is often enough and for the times it's not. To
have a plan for how best to help. Of course,
if you suspect or no self harm or suicidal ideation,
is that play, that's a different story, requiring professional help. Um.

(30:25):
But another thing you need to keep your own mental
health and mind too. It's okay to set boundaries. UM.
There's someone in my life that I had to do
that with and I felt really guilty about it at first,
but in the long run it was better for our relationship,
right And honestly, to be so support To be an
ally is to be there even if when they don't
want you to be there, just letting them know you are.

(30:45):
They're checking in on them. Like I said, before just
sitting with them. That can be enough and above all
else and once again, believe them, believe us. That's more
than you know that that opens a huge door when
someone says I believe you. Yeah, Um, I I get

(31:06):
from our discourse, our public discourse. UM, it's hard to
explain fully how frightening it is that you will tell
someone something and they won't believe you. And it's this
thing that is so traumatic. UM. So yeah, it's really
value we traumatizes as a person honestly to not be believed,

(31:27):
has the self doubt of like oh man, maybe they're right. Yeah,
And it's just so simple just listen, just believe. We
have a little bit more in this episode. UM, but
first we're going to pause for a quick break word
from our sponsor m HM, and we're back, Thank you sponsor.

(31:55):
And one thing we wanted to include at this the
end of this pick many serious thing, Like we said,
so many, so many of you have written in with
amazing things and it's been we can't even express how
much we'd appreciated love um seeing the tweets and seeing

(32:17):
the Instagram messages about how they related or have they
been able to use this as a way of empowering them.
One listener sent in about how she was able to
talk to her workers to take out a picture about
for an example of rape, because she would wanted to
talk about the different types of trauma, which was awesome.
And then another woman I love, she had a string
of tweets about how she had an issue with an

(32:38):
office worker and I'm feeling empowered and then feeling her doubt.
It was just a beautiful um and just knowing that
she was able to stand up once again, if you're listening,
that's amazing. Just being able to face your perpetrator and
not write down but even if you did, still okay,
because you were able to face them, and then you
will be You were able to pass that, you were

(32:59):
able to opie on that, and that's beautiful and that
takes a lot of strength. I know this because I
remember UM just having a moment with which I had
an incident and um elementary school and the dude was around,
and dude, UM, it's still around, and every time I
see him, I just wanted to throw up, honestly, But
the fact is I've survived it. I see him, and

(33:20):
I've moved on and I've continued my life and that's
a way that I've won. And I did also get
a story, UM. And I had kind of reached out
to a few people to share their stories, and this
woman sent one who UM her story is amazing and
and just to kind of kind of go around. And
she experienced both domestic violence and she had gone through

(33:41):
rape at a younger age. UM. And she talks about
going through therapy off and on from eighteen and she's
in our thirties now, UM. And apparently she's been doing
m d R, which she said has resolved UM her trauma,
as the impact had been pretty hard on her life
and it started to bother her. So I'm just going
to kind of go into our story. So when I

(34:02):
say my or me, this is her perspective. UM. My
trauma started to negatarily impact my life when I realized
I was having problems forming close relationships with people. I
realized I couldn't effectively communicate my knees or wants. I
was angry and would start physical altercations over nothing. I
was displaying traumas responses to everyday situations, like hiding when
someone would raise her voice, or dissociate when someone crossed

(34:24):
the boundary I had established. UM. I was having panic
attacks and other mental health issues, and I started having
flashbacks um and and the events would stop her in
our tracks or me and our Tracks. I did e
MDR after one of the sessions, and my life had changed.
The weight of my trauma was gone. Trauma survived. Us
go through nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, nights with no one

(34:45):
believes you, so you lie about it till you doubt yourself,
mental health issues, substance abuse issues, you try to kill yourself,
constant emotional pain and anger. Um And then she goes
into talking about how she was a domestic violence victim
as well. UM And she talks about let me where
I knew it. I was a prisoner. I wasn't allowed
to go anywhere. Everything was my fault. It was emotional abuse,
then verbal abuse before it became physical abuse. I stopped

(35:07):
going to see my family, UM. I stopped going to school.
I didn't have any friends, and I had no control
of my body, my hair, my anything. UM. I had
no freedom. I don't remember coping. I remember crying a
lot and feeling very lonely and empty. I survived the
situation by reading it sounds funny but I read a lot.
I was allowed to read because I couldn't pick up
anything to watch, but I had to sit with him

(35:29):
while he watched TV. So I read, and that's how
I coped. I still read as long as his he
as long as he was happy, we were happy. I
had to move through another country to get away from him.
I thought he was going to kill me. Um. It's
hard to give advice because my advice is always get out.
But when you're in the situation, you can't see. But
if you're trying to cope with trauma, get out and
get help, see a professional. You're not alone and you

(35:51):
don't have to go through it alone. Relief is out
there and you're capable of peace, which that's absolutely correct.
And her story is so heartbreaking, and I've heard um
things like that way it's just, oh my gosh, how
did you go through this? And I love that, you know,
reading was something that she was using to cope, because
there is a way, even in the midst of things

(36:12):
that you do to cope. I think you and I
talked about you know, you talked about the door, and
for me, allied a lot and made up things. Um
Or you just ignored it would we talk about again,
and her her um ability to be able to tell
the story is beautiful in itself. And and thank you
Renee her name is Renee is well. Thank you for

(36:32):
sharing that with us because it's very vulnerable and open,
and there's so many other stories that people have shared
with us that that are necessary, not wanting us to
talk about it. But it gave me so much encouragement.
When I read these peoples, I always started crying. I
was like, that's wine. I'm fine, this is beautiful. I
love these people. Yeah, and we we can appreciate the

(36:53):
strength encourage it takes to write that out and to
send it to sign. So really we we value you.
It's so much and we are glad that you have
trusted and sent those in we UM. There are two
that we did want to include um. One is from
Aaron who wrote, I just listened to your bonus episode

(37:13):
on rape Kits and I wanted to share resources for
any of your listeners in the Washington, D c. Area.
I work for a nonprofit called DC Forensic Nurse Examiners,
and we provide seven three sixty care to adult and
adolescent survivors of sexual assault. You hero and You're a hero.
Listeners can access our services by calling the DC Victim

(37:35):
hotline eight four Help DC. We respond to the hospital
within one hour and provide trauma and formed care and
evidence collection f y I Washington, d C also has
an online kit tracking database so that survivors can log
onto a website with their own private tracking number to
see exactly where the kit is in the process. We're
really proud of it and just thought i'd share. You

(37:55):
should be proud of it. That's all that is phenomenal.
I really wish every state could adopt something like that
because that is amazing. Yeah. Um, Teresa wrote in response
to the story we shared about the woman in Alaska. UM,
listening to the podcast this morning, I was excited to
hear you talking about Alaska. We're so often forgotten about
up here, even though the case you mentioned is disgusting. Sorry,

(38:16):
I like Alaska. Yes. When the news first came out
about the case, it wasn't immediately clear to the public
at large that what was clearly sexual assault was technically
not a crime at all. Once it became clear that
such a vile act wasn't even a crime, it was
a little clear why the judge had ruled the way
he had, but we all know that judges have discretion
and that if he had wanted to, he could absolutely

(38:38):
have sentenced the perpetrator more appropriately. What you may or
may not know, but I'm sure you won't be surprised
either way, is that the purpose was a white man.
In the victim was an Alaska Native woman, one of
the most sexually abused populations in the country. I have
good news, though, I had the pleasure of helping to
vote that judge out of power. Alaska historically basically never

(39:01):
asked judges, but this one is gone. In addition, the
Senate is working on making it a crime to do
what clearly should have been illegal all along. So please
rejoice with me over this small victory and keep up
all the hard work. Yes, and I will say after
when we were researching, I read that soon after and
was so excited. I mean, just the whole thing about
them being angry, starting a group together and just going

(39:22):
in and advocating for their government, for their local government,
saying that we're not going to take this. This is bs,
We're gonna call this out. And the power of angry
women is beautiful. Honestly, one of the best things I've
ever seen, and I love that we can show when
we come together and if you push us. I think
that's what we've been talking about, the futurist female. This
is what we're talking about when we say the futurist

(39:44):
female coming together and making a change. It's gorgeous. It
is it is, UM. So those are that's that's one
way of helping advocate survivors. UM, if you're a survivor
or not voting, Yes, that's big way of advocating. As
we can see. Yes, but it can look so many different,

(40:07):
so many different ways. And as we come to the
end of this episode and to the end of our
mini series that we started in December, I think yes,
the baby was born in December. I don't know we
even talked about it before, but we finally finalized it
in December. I made it a thing that yeah, we're
gonna do this, yes, and we recorded the first episode

(40:27):
in January. UM. It's been a lot of work and
often sometimes painful, UM difficult and scary. Being this vulnerable
is scary, very scary, But it has also been rewarding
hearing from your listeners you know more about me than
pretty much anyone, so we congratulate. I'm sorry, UM, and

(40:54):
it's been really valuable for me personally. I have learned
a lot. I feel like I'm at the beginning of
this journey of becoming a true survivor and I have
so much work to do, but I think that I
have the tools now more than ever to do it.
It's literally changed my life. Yeah. UM. For those of
you that are listening that are survivors, wherever you are

(41:15):
on your journey, we hope that we've given you some
examples of things getting better, UM, and we encourage you
to be compassionate and in all of yourself when and
where you can find those victorious, kind moments for yourself.
And I also want to thank you all who have
stuck with us. I know this was different and something
I think it's so important to show that we're not alone.

(41:36):
And I love reading comments about being able to stand
up with women for your own situation and it's hard, Honestly,
I can't always say it gets easier. The mere fact
that you did took around to listen has been such
an amazing thing to me and Annie, I want you
to know that I appreciate so much that you became
a part of this journey and allowed me to be
a part of this journey as well. Is that you
are willing to be as open as you are because

(41:56):
I know it's hard, and I know for you who
um and you've said you've not told many people to
share on this level, especially something that personal. Not only
is it frightening, but it is um heroic in my mind. UM,
And I love you well, you know I'm gonna see
it on air. I love you so much, And I

(42:17):
feel like we've wanted so much because you are willing,
more willing than most, especially in this field, in this
in this era, and in this type of conversation, to
actually let it all be and research it. And I
know you've been triggered sometimes and I know you've had
some episodes sometimes, but your strength and your ability to
move on has been beautiful. Oh. I love you. And

(42:39):
to all those who identified female and have gone through
trauma and understand the depth of where this can take you,
thank you for who you are. Um. You're stronger than
you know. And just again, facing a perpetrator or being
able to continue a life that takes straight and yet
this should reach out to more than just one gender
um trauma is a disease and that's Dr Jane said.
It is infectious and it takes a community to cover.

(43:01):
And again you're not alone and we see you. Yeah yeah, um.
And it's funny because we've done all these episodes and
I still feel like we could have talked about this
or it could There's so many things. They are specific
and with intersectional feminism in mind, there are so many
things we need to work on and improve for everyone.

(43:24):
And also I feel like I end all my episodes
of this we should be moving towards preventions, like societal
things that are in place systemic that we need to
work conting tiny things just the mindset alone. As we
talked about about jurors. We need to talk about that
in itself. But anyway, that's what we're working towards it

(43:49):
and any you know, there's a lot of discussions we
haven't talked about. I can always be back just saying
you know, I have some time on my calendars, just
put it out there, yes, and we Well, we'll be
hearing from you again, I'm pretty sure, yes, um. But
in the meantime, we would love to hear from you listeners.

(44:10):
If you have any resources or any stories you'd like
to share, please send them our way. UM, I do
have some news, So I was gonna say when you
do some these these help us to they do you
don't know this therapeutic to see how many people are
encouraging us for those who have reached out and took
their chance of reaching out. We do read these and
we love them and thank you keep coming. Oh yeah,

(44:30):
I mean thank you everybody who just like wrote in
and said that was greaty like those comments you don't
know about, because yes, can you imagine you put it
an episode out of your therapy so about low self
esteem and you're like, oh god, what everyone, I'm not
gonna lie. I had a panic attack when my release.
I was like, I'm gonna have to sit here and

(44:51):
watch this show for hours and not move. Yes, so
very much appreciated. But the news is, oh yeah, there
is a new email address, and don't panic. I'm sure
so many of you were panicking. Um, if you email
the old email, it will still get to us. Um,

(45:11):
but the new email is all right, here we go.
Stuff media mom stuff at I heart media dot com.
So easy stuff media mom stuff at I heart media
dot com. Are you doing woman, I did. That's what
I'm here for. I'm trying to show my value here,
cople of. It's so simple, so easy. I repeated it

(45:31):
back without any kind of Oh, you got me pumped.
I'm ready, all right, you pumpting, I gotta I got
that out without Adie prompting. There we go to that um.
You can also find us on social media on Twitter
at moms a podcast and on Instagram at stuff Mom
Never Told You. Thanks as always to you, Samantha, Thank
you guys, I love you all. Thanks as always also

(45:55):
to our superproducer Andrew Howard. I love you too, Andrew,
And thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told
You the production of I Heart Radio's How Stuff Works.
For more podcast from I Heart Radio, visit the I
heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Goodbye, the curtain blows it