March 6, 2025 • 15 mins
When your Year 12 child can't do maths or your teen rings crying from camp after being bullied, your instinct is to fix everything. But research shows that simply being heard is often more powerful than any solution. This episode reveals how validation, not problem-solving, helps children develop resilience in challenging situations. Learn the simple two-minute technique that transformed a tearful camp crisis and discover why becoming a "people builder" creates confidence in our children that lasts far beyond any temporary fix.
Quote of the Episode: "You don't have to solve; you just have to support. And when the kids can feel it and then you give them an opportunity to find a way forward, they will find it. The answers are deep inside themselves."
Key Points:
- Children need validation and understanding before they can move forward from emotional distress
- Being a "people builder" creates confidence and resilience in children
- Emotion coaching involves recognizing feelings, naming them, and allowing them to be expressed
- Support without immediately trying to solve problems helps children develop self-regulation
- Hearing supportive voices can be enough to help children find their own solutions
- With consistent emotional coaching, children develop faster regulation responses
- Finding the right supportive environments (like tutoring) can transform a child's confidence
- Children often have the answers within themselves when given space to find them
- Overcoming challenges builds resilience and confidence
- Small interactions with supportive people can have profound effects on children's wellbeing
Resources Mentioned:
- Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman [affiliate link]
- Edgar Guest's poem "A Builder or a Wrecker"
- Emotion coaching methodology
Action Steps for Parents:
- Practice emotion coaching by naming your child's feelings when they're upset
- Allow emotions to "breathe" before trying to find solutions
- Ask open questions like "What do you think would be best?" after validating feelings
- Look for "people builders" in your child's life (teachers, tutors, friends)
- Consciously choose to be a "builder" rather than a "wrecker" in your interactions
- When your child calls in distress, focus first on connection before correction
- Give children space to find their own solutions after feeling supported
- Recognise that overcoming challenges builds resilience, even when painful at the time
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
What do you do when your child can't do maths
and they're in year twelve and the pressure is building.
What do you do when your child is on camp
and they ring you in tears on the teacher's phone
to describe how they've been bullied and that shaped today,
(00:26):
I'll do better tomorrow. It's The Happy Family's podcast, Real
Parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, you're feeling exhausted.
It's been a monster week. I have some puns to
help you to feel better about life, because I know
how much you love great dad jokes.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I can't wait here we go. I was at a
funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me
if I could say a quick word. I stood at
the front, cleared my throat, troup about the tears, and
so plethora. Thank you, his wife said, and sat back down.
That means a lot. The next man stands up, sniffling
and says earth, thank you. The widow says that means
(01:08):
the world.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Another guy goes up and says water hole and sits
back down. The widow thanks him and says, I know
you meant well. Then another guy gets up and says totality.
The widow says, thank you, that means everything. A woman
gets up and says underestimate, thank you very much. The
widow says, that means more than you know. The last
(01:34):
guy gets up and says bargain. The widow says, thank you.
That means a great deal. So good.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Ah, Kylie, do you feel more energized?
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Sorry, I don't think any pun is going to pull
me out of my exhaustion.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
That came from how to Kill an Hour Online. I
just thought you were feeling a little bit low, feeling
a little bit lacking in vitality. You're first today because.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
It's just sleep, honey.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Probably that is my number one parenting hack. You want
to be a better parent, get enough sleep. For those
of you who a knew to the podcast, we don't
normally play other people's puns, but that one just caught
me and I wanted to cheer Kylie up because she
is feeling a little bit weary. On a Friday, we
discuss things that have happened during the week that we
think can help everyone to be a better parent. It's
kind of like our newsday. Remember when you're in those
(02:29):
first few years of Show and tell, Show and Tell,
you stand up in front and share your news. Well,
that's kind of what we do on a Friday. We're
so glad that you listen to the pod. Kylie, you
are first for our show and tell. I'll do better tomorrow.
What have you discovered this week that can help other
families with their happiness?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
This past week, I've had a couple of experiences with
people builders, and it's really impacted me and my desire
to be one myself. I have a daughter in year
twelve and she has for the last twelve months been
struggling on and off with maths. She's managed to get
(03:10):
through and she's actually done exceptionally well, and her grades
don't reflect the fact that she's been struggling as much
as she has. She has done really, really well. She
asked for a tutor. Last year, We had a look around,
we asked different people, and I even tried one not
with her, with one of the younger girls, and just
didn't feel like we were in the right place at all,
(03:31):
And then the year kind of came to a close.
This year she started and within two days of school
she is panicking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the anxiety's gone through
the roof. And I thought, all right, we need to
do something. Well, I just happened to be driving past.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
There's a commercial building down the road, literally down the road,
with a big sign out of that says Juisi.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Tuition, and I thought, oh, I better try this. This
is nice and close. But I just didn't. I kept
forgetting to do it, and finally I had an chat
with her and I was like, I've got to go.
So I literally made a beeline for this place, took
a pamphlet, made a phone call, and the guy explained everything.
It was actually a lot more expensive than I had
expected it to be. Everything, and it was a very
(04:14):
different process. We had tried one on one. This is
actually a group setting, and the acknowledgment was that she
could pretty much bring any subject. She wasn't signing up
as a math student. She was actually just signing up
for tutoring. There were five or six teachers on hand
at any given time who would be able to help
her with any subject, and so I thought, we can
(04:34):
only give it a go. Let's give it a go.
We walked in the door. The principle of the company
was waiting. He was talking with another family, and he
looked at them and he said, I apologize, I really
need to talk to this new family. Took us aside,
had a chat with us, and before I had even
kind of registered what was going on, here was this
(04:56):
guy who had taken as much interest in my child
before before he even knew her, And I just thought, wow.
But what was more impressive was that at the end
of the time that she had spent with him, he
met me at the door again to tell me what
an amazing child we had, just how amazed he was that,
(05:16):
in spite of the gaps in her learning due to illness,
that she was doing as well as she was, and
that she really needed to give herself a pat on
the back for doing as well as she done, And
then just talked about all of the things that he
was so excited to see her achieved this year, and
the acknowledgment that he really felt like she was someone
(05:36):
who was going to make a difference in the world.
I just loved Number one. As a parent, hearing somebody
else have this beautiful vision of your child is definitely
a great.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Feeling, But it.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Was actually more of what it did to her. I
was just so grateful that we were number one found
this place and number two. When she walked out the door,
she said, Mum, I got more done with him in
an hour and a half than I have got done
in any class. Like she was just blown away, and
she just said.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
I've got this, I can do this great.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
It was amazing. And then a few days later, I'm
with my ten year old and she invites a friend
over and I watched this little girl walk in and
Emily was so excited to show her some of her toys.
And again, just this people builder ten year old who
just warmed my house up and warmed my heart. As
(06:36):
I watched her build Emily up in everything she showed her,
she was just energized and excited, and in the next
breath the two of them were bursting into song and
singing together. It was just beautiful. And after having those
two experiences, it just really reaffirmed to me just how
beautiful it is when we can see the good and
(06:57):
others and build them up and let them wreckgnize and
know it. It was so gorgeous. I want to be
a people builder.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I love that. It reminds me of a poem that
I heard when I was younger. You may recall this poem.
It goes like this. It's by Edgar Guest. I watched
them tearing a building down, A gang of men in
a busy town with a ho, heave ho, and a
lusty yell. They swung a beam and a sidewall fell.
I asked the foreman, are these men skilled? The men
you'd hire if you had to build? He gave me
a laugh and said, no, indeed, just common labor is
(07:26):
all I need. I can easily wreck in a day
or two what builders have taken a year to do.
And I thought to myself, as I went my way,
which of these two roles have I tried to play?
Am I a builder who works with care, measuring life
by the rule and square? Am I shaping my deeds
by a well made plan, patiently doing the best I can?
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Or?
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Am I a wrecker who walks the town content with
the labor of tearing down? Be a people builder who
love that up? Next, what happened when our daughter had
a meltdown at school camp? Okay, Kylie, So we have
(08:11):
children who have stopped listening to the podcast because we
only ever talk about our youngest Emily. Today, you've talked
about our year twelve daughter Annie, and I'm going to
share a quick anecdote about our year ten daughter Lily,
just to spread things around. Although you did give Emily
an honorable mention then your second story just then. So
over the last couple of weeks, I've spent a lot
of time away. Primarily I've been in New South Wales
(08:34):
and I am allowed to say this. We've been recording
season three Parental Guidance and it is amazing. I'm so
excited about this Channel nine. I don't know when a
little bit later this year. This show is going to
be incredible. Anyway, my schedule was absolutely so far as
we put this together, and I really wondered how I
(08:56):
was going to get any time to spend with family.
As it happened, I had a five minute break. My
phone was in my hand because I was about to
call you. It was on do not disturb. But I
look down and it was ringing. It was Lily, our
year ten daughter. So we homeschooled her the last year
and a half. She's gone back to an alternative kind
of school this year and they had school camp. She'd
(09:17):
been on camp for a day and a half. She
was ringing me on the teacher's phone. I didn't know
that it was the teacher, it was just a random
number ringing me. I pick up. I say hello, this
is Justin and I hear sobs. Because I'm out of context,
I'm not sure who it is, but it only takes
me a second. Lily, it sounds like you're having an
awful time. And then Lily begins to cry down the
(09:38):
phone as she tells me that one of the kids
was fat shaming her, that there been some bullying, and
that there was just a group of kids who she
was really struggling with. I think she used the word
and parents, you might want to close your children's ears
for a moment. In three to two one grabheads. I
think she literally said that's what she was really struggling
(09:59):
with them. And I tried not to laugh because she
was having a really hard time, but her description was well,
it made me chuckle. Anyway. As I listened, I thought
to myself, Okay, here I am in a television studio
talking with a whole bunch of people on national TV
about how to be great parents.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Because I'm one of the nation's leading parenting experts and
I've got a daughter who's about fifteen, who is bawling
her eyes out down the phone, saying that she's had
enough of camp and she can't stand the kids and
it doesn't seem fair.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
And I have two minutes, and I have two.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Minutes to resolve this.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Oh what am I going to do?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
And then I remember all the stuff that I try
to teach people, and I thought, if it's going to work,
it needs to work now. So as she described it
all to me, I paused. When she took a break,
I said, it sounds like you are having a really
awful hard time. And she burst into tears and said, Dad,
I am. And I thought, oh, no, I've done the
wrong thing, because now her tears are even bigger, and
(10:55):
I said, I can hear that. It sounds absolutely rough.
And she was for a moment and she said, I
just I just don't know what to do, and I'm
so sad. And I said, yeah, I know when we're
in those situations, it can be really tricky, huh, And Kylie,
in the next breath, she said, but you know what, Dad,
(11:16):
they sent one of the kids home and he was
the main trouble maker and just talking to you about it,
and hearing your voice makes me feel better already. And
I said, okay, so what do you think is going
to be the best thing for us to do? And
she said, I can get through another day and a half.
I'll be home tomorrow afternoon. I said, I'm so glad
(11:40):
we got to talk and she said, me too, Dad,
and hung up. It was a two minute focal.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Just so we're very clear. This is not success on
your end.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Oh what's going on?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Nailed And he pulled that together all by herself. I'm
so impressed.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
But the thing is, she pulled it together because she
was heard, she was valued, she was validated.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
What's amazing to me in that story is just the
acknowledgment of the power that our voice. She couldn't see you,
she couldn't hold you, she couldn't be hailed. But just
hearing your.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Voice and in that moment and.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
The acknowledgment that she felt heard, was enough to give
her the courage to actually take the next step forward.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
So there are a couple of other things here. Number
one emotion coaching. John Gotman popularized it back in the
late nineteen nineties, wrote The Emotionally Intelligent Parent. But what
it's really about, is you recognize the emotion that the
child's experiencing, and you give it a name, which is
what I did. Then you let it breathe and you
don't try to fix it. You just support, don't solve.
(12:51):
Once she felt supported, she recalibrated. I asked her what
she thought would be the best thing to move forward.
And because we've done this repeatedly, year after year after
year after year after year, emotion regulation happens faster. It's
a smoother process because those neural pathways of connection and
(13:12):
regulation have been worn into the brain. That's the natural response.
So when she felt seen and heard in valued, when
she felt understood, when she heard me describe what she
was feeling, she heard that love in my voice, that
understanding in my voice. She calmed herself, and Okay, I
can get through the next day and a half and
(13:32):
the clear and present danger that was in my orbit
is now not here. I can do this.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
And what was amazing was when I picked her up
the next day, she was exhausted. This was survival camp.
They trudged through mud, They carried stretches for four hours
with the fifty five kilo person on it all the things.
And the last day they pulled a six ton truck.
There was fifty kids trying to pull this truck and
(14:00):
they did it for hours and she came home physically exhausted,
but there was an exhilaration that she had experienced as
she had pushed her body to the limits and she
overcome something that was really really hard.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
That is our old do bitter tomorrow. To take home
message from Kylie, be a people builder and from me,
you don't have to solve, you just have to support.
And when the kids can feel it and then you
give them an opportunity to find a way forward, they
will find it. The answers are deep inside themselves. We
really hope you have a wonderful weekend. We're so grateful
(14:38):
that you've been part of the Happy Families podcast this week,
and we look forward to joining you next week with
a whole lot more. The Happy Families Podcast is produced
by Justin Rulanck from Bridge Media. You can find more
information and resources at Happyfamilies dot com dot au.
What do you do when your child can't do maths
and they're in year twelve and the pressure is building.
What do you do when your child is on camp
and they ring you in tears on the teacher's phone
to describe how they've been bullied and that shaped today,
(00:26):
I'll do better tomorrow. It's The Happy Family's podcast, Real
Parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, you're feeling exhausted.
It's been a monster week. I have some puns to
help you to feel better about life, because I know
how much you love great dad jokes.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I can't wait here we go. I was at a
funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me
if I could say a quick word. I stood at
the front, cleared my throat, troup about the tears, and
so plethora. Thank you, his wife said, and sat back down.
That means a lot. The next man stands up, sniffling
and says earth, thank you. The widow says that means
(01:08):
the world.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Another guy goes up and says water hole and sits
back down. The widow thanks him and says, I know
you meant well. Then another guy gets up and says totality.
The widow says, thank you, that means everything. A woman
gets up and says underestimate, thank you very much. The
widow says, that means more than you know. The last
(01:34):
guy gets up and says bargain. The widow says, thank you.
That means a great deal. So good.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Ah, Kylie, do you feel more energized?
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Sorry, I don't think any pun is going to pull
me out of my exhaustion.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
That came from how to Kill an Hour Online. I
just thought you were feeling a little bit low, feeling
a little bit lacking in vitality. You're first today because.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
It's just sleep, honey.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Probably that is my number one parenting hack. You want
to be a better parent, get enough sleep. For those
of you who a knew to the podcast, we don't
normally play other people's puns, but that one just caught
me and I wanted to cheer Kylie up because she
is feeling a little bit weary. On a Friday, we
discuss things that have happened during the week that we
think can help everyone to be a better parent. It's
kind of like our newsday. Remember when you're in those
(02:29):
first few years of Show and tell, Show and Tell,
you stand up in front and share your news. Well,
that's kind of what we do on a Friday. We're
so glad that you listen to the pod. Kylie, you
are first for our show and tell. I'll do better tomorrow.
What have you discovered this week that can help other
families with their happiness?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
This past week, I've had a couple of experiences with
people builders, and it's really impacted me and my desire
to be one myself. I have a daughter in year
twelve and she has for the last twelve months been
struggling on and off with maths. She's managed to get
(03:10):
through and she's actually done exceptionally well, and her grades
don't reflect the fact that she's been struggling as much
as she has. She has done really, really well. She
asked for a tutor. Last year, We had a look around,
we asked different people, and I even tried one not
with her, with one of the younger girls, and just
didn't feel like we were in the right place at all,
(03:31):
And then the year kind of came to a close.
This year she started and within two days of school
she is panicking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the anxiety's gone through
the roof. And I thought, all right, we need to
do something. Well, I just happened to be driving past.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
There's a commercial building down the road, literally down the road,
with a big sign out of that says Juisi.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Tuition, and I thought, oh, I better try this. This
is nice and close. But I just didn't. I kept
forgetting to do it, and finally I had an chat
with her and I was like, I've got to go.
So I literally made a beeline for this place, took
a pamphlet, made a phone call, and the guy explained everything.
It was actually a lot more expensive than I had
expected it to be. Everything, and it was a very
(04:14):
different process. We had tried one on one. This is
actually a group setting, and the acknowledgment was that she
could pretty much bring any subject. She wasn't signing up
as a math student. She was actually just signing up
for tutoring. There were five or six teachers on hand
at any given time who would be able to help
her with any subject, and so I thought, we can
(04:34):
only give it a go. Let's give it a go.
We walked in the door. The principle of the company
was waiting. He was talking with another family, and he
looked at them and he said, I apologize, I really
need to talk to this new family. Took us aside,
had a chat with us, and before I had even
kind of registered what was going on, here was this
(04:56):
guy who had taken as much interest in my child
before before he even knew her, And I just thought, wow.
But what was more impressive was that at the end
of the time that she had spent with him, he
met me at the door again to tell me what
an amazing child we had, just how amazed he was that,
(05:16):
in spite of the gaps in her learning due to illness,
that she was doing as well as she was, and
that she really needed to give herself a pat on
the back for doing as well as she done, And
then just talked about all of the things that he
was so excited to see her achieved this year, and
the acknowledgment that he really felt like she was someone
(05:36):
who was going to make a difference in the world.
I just loved Number one. As a parent, hearing somebody
else have this beautiful vision of your child is definitely
a great.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Feeling, But it.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Was actually more of what it did to her. I
was just so grateful that we were number one found
this place and number two. When she walked out the door,
she said, Mum, I got more done with him in
an hour and a half than I have got done
in any class. Like she was just blown away, and
she just said.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
I've got this, I can do this great.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
It was amazing. And then a few days later, I'm
with my ten year old and she invites a friend
over and I watched this little girl walk in and
Emily was so excited to show her some of her toys.
And again, just this people builder ten year old who
just warmed my house up and warmed my heart. As
(06:36):
I watched her build Emily up in everything she showed her,
she was just energized and excited, and in the next
breath the two of them were bursting into song and
singing together. It was just beautiful. And after having those
two experiences, it just really reaffirmed to me just how
beautiful it is when we can see the good and
(06:57):
others and build them up and let them wreckgnize and
know it. It was so gorgeous. I want to be
a people builder.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I love that. It reminds me of a poem that
I heard when I was younger. You may recall this poem.
It goes like this. It's by Edgar Guest. I watched
them tearing a building down, A gang of men in
a busy town with a ho, heave ho, and a
lusty yell. They swung a beam and a sidewall fell.
I asked the foreman, are these men skilled? The men
you'd hire if you had to build? He gave me
a laugh and said, no, indeed, just common labor is
(07:26):
all I need. I can easily wreck in a day
or two what builders have taken a year to do.
And I thought to myself, as I went my way,
which of these two roles have I tried to play?
Am I a builder who works with care, measuring life
by the rule and square? Am I shaping my deeds
by a well made plan, patiently doing the best I can?
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Or?
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Am I a wrecker who walks the town content with
the labor of tearing down? Be a people builder who
love that up? Next, what happened when our daughter had
a meltdown at school camp? Okay, Kylie, So we have
(08:11):
children who have stopped listening to the podcast because we
only ever talk about our youngest Emily. Today, you've talked
about our year twelve daughter Annie, and I'm going to
share a quick anecdote about our year ten daughter Lily,
just to spread things around. Although you did give Emily
an honorable mention then your second story just then. So
over the last couple of weeks, I've spent a lot
of time away. Primarily I've been in New South Wales
(08:34):
and I am allowed to say this. We've been recording
season three Parental Guidance and it is amazing. I'm so
excited about this Channel nine. I don't know when a
little bit later this year. This show is going to
be incredible. Anyway, my schedule was absolutely so far as
we put this together, and I really wondered how I
(08:56):
was going to get any time to spend with family.
As it happened, I had a five minute break. My
phone was in my hand because I was about to
call you. It was on do not disturb. But I
look down and it was ringing. It was Lily, our
year ten daughter. So we homeschooled her the last year
and a half. She's gone back to an alternative kind
of school this year and they had school camp. She'd
(09:17):
been on camp for a day and a half. She
was ringing me on the teacher's phone. I didn't know
that it was the teacher, it was just a random
number ringing me. I pick up. I say hello, this
is Justin and I hear sobs. Because I'm out of context,
I'm not sure who it is, but it only takes
me a second. Lily, it sounds like you're having an
awful time. And then Lily begins to cry down the
(09:38):
phone as she tells me that one of the kids
was fat shaming her, that there been some bullying, and
that there was just a group of kids who she
was really struggling with. I think she used the word
and parents, you might want to close your children's ears
for a moment. In three to two one grabheads. I
think she literally said that's what she was really struggling
(09:59):
with them. And I tried not to laugh because she
was having a really hard time, but her description was well,
it made me chuckle. Anyway. As I listened, I thought
to myself, Okay, here I am in a television studio
talking with a whole bunch of people on national TV
about how to be great parents.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Because I'm one of the nation's leading parenting experts and
I've got a daughter who's about fifteen, who is bawling
her eyes out down the phone, saying that she's had
enough of camp and she can't stand the kids and
it doesn't seem fair.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
And I have two minutes, and I have two.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Minutes to resolve this.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Oh what am I going to do?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
And then I remember all the stuff that I try
to teach people, and I thought, if it's going to work,
it needs to work now. So as she described it
all to me, I paused. When she took a break,
I said, it sounds like you are having a really
awful hard time. And she burst into tears and said, Dad,
I am. And I thought, oh, no, I've done the
wrong thing, because now her tears are even bigger, and
(10:55):
I said, I can hear that. It sounds absolutely rough.
And she was for a moment and she said, I
just I just don't know what to do, and I'm
so sad. And I said, yeah, I know when we're
in those situations, it can be really tricky, huh, And Kylie,
in the next breath, she said, but you know what, Dad,
(11:16):
they sent one of the kids home and he was
the main trouble maker and just talking to you about it,
and hearing your voice makes me feel better already. And
I said, okay, so what do you think is going
to be the best thing for us to do? And
she said, I can get through another day and a half.
I'll be home tomorrow afternoon. I said, I'm so glad
(11:40):
we got to talk and she said, me too, Dad,
and hung up. It was a two minute focal.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Just so we're very clear. This is not success on
your end.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Oh what's going on?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Nailed And he pulled that together all by herself. I'm
so impressed.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
But the thing is, she pulled it together because she
was heard, she was valued, she was validated.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
What's amazing to me in that story is just the
acknowledgment of the power that our voice. She couldn't see you,
she couldn't hold you, she couldn't be hailed. But just
hearing your.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Voice and in that moment and.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
The acknowledgment that she felt heard, was enough to give
her the courage to actually take the next step forward.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
So there are a couple of other things here. Number
one emotion coaching. John Gotman popularized it back in the
late nineteen nineties, wrote The Emotionally Intelligent Parent. But what
it's really about, is you recognize the emotion that the
child's experiencing, and you give it a name, which is
what I did. Then you let it breathe and you
don't try to fix it. You just support, don't solve.
(12:51):
Once she felt supported, she recalibrated. I asked her what
she thought would be the best thing to move forward.
And because we've done this repeatedly, year after year after
year after year after year, emotion regulation happens faster. It's
a smoother process because those neural pathways of connection and
(13:12):
regulation have been worn into the brain. That's the natural response.
So when she felt seen and heard in valued, when
she felt understood, when she heard me describe what she
was feeling, she heard that love in my voice, that
understanding in my voice. She calmed herself, and Okay, I
can get through the next day and a half and
(13:32):
the clear and present danger that was in my orbit
is now not here. I can do this.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
And what was amazing was when I picked her up
the next day, she was exhausted. This was survival camp.
They trudged through mud, They carried stretches for four hours
with the fifty five kilo person on it all the things.
And the last day they pulled a six ton truck.
There was fifty kids trying to pull this truck and
(14:00):
they did it for hours and she came home physically exhausted,
but there was an exhilaration that she had experienced as
she had pushed her body to the limits and she
overcome something that was really really hard.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
That is our old do bitter tomorrow. To take home
message from Kylie, be a people builder and from me,
you don't have to solve, you just have to support.
And when the kids can feel it and then you
give them an opportunity to find a way forward, they
will find it. The answers are deep inside themselves. We
really hope you have a wonderful weekend. We're so grateful
(14:38):
that you've been part of the Happy Families podcast this week,
and we look forward to joining you next week with
a whole lot more. The Happy Families Podcast is produced
by Justin Rulanck from Bridge Media. You can find more
information and resources at Happyfamilies dot com dot au.
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