March 17, 2025 • 11 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Your child is embarrassed by you. Your child doesn't want
your showing up at school assembly? What do you do?
Is this okay? Is it good? Is it bad? How
do you? How do you deal with this? One? Tricky questions?
Today we're answering another one on the Happy Families podcast
Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
we are Justin and Kylie Colson, and every Tuesday on
(00:27):
the pod we answer your tricky questions about family and
relationships and parenting and well being and screens and discipline
and school assemblies. If you'd like to submit a tricky question,
we've got a super simple system at Happy Families dot
com dot You scroll down to podcasts, click the record button,
start talking. It's literally all you've got to do. Or
you can email us a voice note to podcasts with
(00:47):
an s podcast with an ess at Happy Families dot
com dot Au. All right, Kylie, let's have a listen
to this one that comes from Amy in Melbourne.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
My eight year old told me today that she's embarrassed
when I come to watch her performances and school assemblies
or to help out at school. I asked for why
and she said it just makes her feel embarrassed and
that she doesn't like it. I felt a dugger through
my heart, but told her that if she felt embarrassed,
then I would respect her decision and not come. But
I'm dying inside. I was always so sad as a
(01:17):
kid when my mom didn't show up to things. Is
this age eight appropriate? And how do I handle it? Well?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Kylie? I don't know about you. I don't want to
be cynical about this because I feel the dagger in
the heart. I get it. You're laughing. You know where
this is going, don't you.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
She's off the hook. She's off the hook.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
If I never have to go to another school assembly
for the rest of the mine. I love that Amy
wants to be there, and I get it right, Like
you're proud of your child, they're going to be well.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Take assemblies out of the equation. If your child says
they don't want to be in your space because they're
embarrassed by.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
You, all they don't when you're showing up and doing
touch shop or volunteering in the class or.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
That's literally the worst thing you possibly be told by
your child it is.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It feels horrible, and you love your child and you
just want to be involved, and they're saying, get out
of my life, and it does hurt.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
So but I can promise you Amy, if you tell
her that you want to take her out for ice cream,
she'll be there in a flash.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I don't think this is as much about her being
embarrassed by you in general, but there's something specific about
the school environment that leaves her feeling uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, so let's just add the outset highlight what you're experiencing.
Totally normal, happens to lots of parents, even with children
as young as eight. I distinctly remember the day where
I said to my parents when they took me to
the movies with a friend, that's okay, I'll catch up.
And I didn't want to be seen with my parents.
My dad was wearing his polo shirt tucked in with
(02:44):
his levies and his belt and his sneakers. I don't
remember what mum was wearing, and Dad had the sort
of the balding head and the mullet off the back,
and I just thought, I can't be seen with this man.
This is completely inappropriate. So my friend and I walked
in about ten meters behind them. And our kids. I
don't know. I don't want to make this about physical appearance,
(03:05):
because that's not really what it is. I think what's
really going on is, for whatever reason, they're becoming more
self aware. They're starting to notice how they compared to peers.
They're starting to develop their identity, and this is a
developmental stage that can trigger unexpected reactions.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I remember when I was in high school. My mum
would come and pick me up and she would have
her religious music blaring, like literally at the top of
our stereo system, which was not a good.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
One choir in the high school car park.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I love it, so I would get her to pick
me up half an hour after school finished at the
back gate.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Well, I've got so much study to do. I'm going
to be in the library. I'll sit with the back gate.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Because inevitably I would open that car door and the
music would just spill out all over the ground.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, Glori Hall Olivia. That sort of stuff. In all seriousness,
it does hurt as a parent when your children are
it feels like they're rejecting you. You're saying I'm here
to support you, I want to celebrate your wins. That hurts,
but I.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Think for Amy, what's actually more is the fact that
her experience as a child was about not having her
parents there when she really really wanted them. And our
whole experience is clouded by our own personal experiences and
their perspective with which we take. So her heart's breaking
(04:26):
because she knows what it feels like to not have
a parent there and all of the emotion around that.
There's a few things that really stand out. She has
a child, number one, who feels completely comfortable to share
her feelings, her inner feelings with her mum.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Just doing it in a clumsy, insensitive, lacking empathy kind
of way.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
That's huge. Yep, that's huge, even when it hurts. That's huge, And.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
That's developmentally normal that you'd have a child who's not
particularly sensitive to your feelings. They are pretty egocentric.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
But number two, the recognition that you child is having
their own experience. It's not tainted by yours. Your reaction
is tainted by yours, but their experience is different. And
to me, the fact that she doesn't need you there
actually suggests that she knows you are there for her.
(05:18):
It actually, to me suggests that you're doing a great
job because your child doesn't feel like they need you
to see everything that's going on in their world for
them to feel seen, hurt in valued all value.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Points feel it, yeah, all valid points. It still hurts, though,
doesn't it? Because you just love your kids so much.
After the break. A couple of action steps to help
when your child is pushing you away and rejecting you. Okay, Kylie,
Amy's got a child who is saying, it's my life,
(05:50):
stay out. I'm eight, I'm a big girl. Now, I've
got my big girl pants. I'm I can do this.
I've just got a couple of action steps that I
think are going to be helpful. We can go through
this reasonably quickly. I don't believe that it's massively complicated
unless we want to make it so. So here are
my action steps. Sit down and have a hot chocolate
or a choky milkshake, some milk and cookies, just a treat,
(06:12):
and say I want her a follow up conversation. The
other day we were talking and you said to me
that you were embarrassed if I came to school. Is
it when I wave? Is it when I volunteer? Is
it when I sit in a certain place? Is it
because I go because I.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Wear bright green pants shirts.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Stream out, go Abby, You're the best in front of
everybody when everyone's quiet, Like, get a little bit of
a little bit of context around why she's feeling that way.
I think her answer is probably going to reveal that
you might be able to make some simple adjustments rather
than be completely absent. They might not, but they may.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
So when our eldest daughter started swimming and she made
it through to districts and regional, it got harder and
harder for us to communicate together in a way that
she felt comfortable with, especially once she was on the block,
because I was the mum you know, who was pretty
excited to see my daughter there and was larger than life.
So we actually came up with a little trick to
(07:07):
communicate together. So she would look up at me and
I would actually just take my right ear and I
would give it a wiggle with my hand, and she
would know that number one, I saw her, and number
two that I loved her and I was with her
every step of the way, and she would return it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
And you didn't have to scream that in front of
everybody and make a spectacle.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
And it was just a beautiful way for us to
communicate in a way that felt good for her.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It's so practical. Here's my next idea, offer compromises. So
you might say, well, what about if I sit in
the back, or what if I show up but I
don't volunteer, or what if I come to some events
but not others? Which events would you be okay with
me attending?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
So I think this is really important because I don't
feel like just because your child says something that you
should forego the things that are important to you as
a parent.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah. Yeah, and you're the one with the prefrontal cortex
and you have feeling too.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
These are significant milestones that parents not should That's probably
not the word I'm looking for, but we want to
be a part of and so finding a compromise that
works for both of you, like wiggling your ear with
my eldest daughter.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Or attending some events but not others, is a.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Really beautiful way to acknowledge. I hear you, but my
needs are important too.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
I want to pick up on that. The third thing
that I was going to say really aligns nicely, and
that is that we have the right as parents to
share our feelings in an age appropriate way. With our kids.
So a script like this. I get that you're embarrassed,
and I respect that, and the.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Last thing I want to do is leave you feeling
that way.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah. Absolutely, But I also feel a little bit sad
because I love seeing you perform or I love seeing
you do all the announcements on the assembly, and I'd
love to find a solution that can work for both
of us because you're important to me. And when we
do that, our children hopefully will develop the empathy and
have the compassion for our situation where they can say, well, yeah, okay,
(09:06):
I get it. I reckon, I reckon. I can work
with you on this. So that's pretty much it. I
think this is likely going to be a temporary thing,
particularly depending on how you respond to it. Amy kids
feel differently about their parents being visible in their lives,
depending on the age and stage of the child, and
depending on the relationship and the connection and those sorts
of things. I think have a chat with some other
(09:27):
parents in the school see if the other kids are
saying the same thing as well. Maybe this is one
of those little cohort things where one child says it
and then everyone else becomes a repeater. They all just
decide to go down that track.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It's interesting, once upon a time you would have had
nearly every parent there representing a family because most of
us stayed at home and we weren't in the workforce,
And nowadays that's not it. So you're actually kind of
the anomally if you are attending, because there aren't that
many parents around. And so maybe for her, she's kind
of like, why is my mom the only one who
(09:59):
shows up? It literally could be just that simple.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
And I think again, building any you go.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Up and give her a big hut in front of
all of her friends.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Trusting that this is support. Right. I love this child.
I'm supporting her be supportive in all areas of her life,
but not controlling. Supportive but not controlling, be involved. And
I think that over time she'll look back one day
and say, Mum, you're always there for me. You're always there,
and we communicate it, and I just I'm so grateful
that you made the effort even when I was resistant.
(10:28):
Sometimes this stuff just takes a while to come out
of the wash. Hopefully, Amy, that's been helpful. If you'd
like to submit a question and have us wrestle with
your tricky question on a Tuesday. We've got a super
simple system Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll
down to where it says podcasts, click the record button,
start talking. It's really that easy. Or you can email
us podcasts at happy families dot com dot you with
(10:51):
a voice note and we'll answer you at our next
available opportunity. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
Roland from Bridge Media. More information and resources to make
your family happier, please visit us at happy families dot
com dot A.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You
Your child is embarrassed by you. Your child doesn't want
your showing up at school assembly? What do you do?
Is this okay? Is it good? Is it bad? How
do you? How do you deal with this? One? Tricky questions?
Today we're answering another one on the Happy Families podcast
Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
we are Justin and Kylie Colson, and every Tuesday on
(00:27):
the pod we answer your tricky questions about family and
relationships and parenting and well being and screens and discipline
and school assemblies. If you'd like to submit a tricky question,
we've got a super simple system at Happy Families dot
com dot You scroll down to podcasts, click the record button,
start talking. It's literally all you've got to do. Or
you can email us a voice note to podcasts with
(00:47):
an s podcast with an ess at Happy Families dot
com dot Au. All right, Kylie, let's have a listen
to this one that comes from Amy in Melbourne.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
My eight year old told me today that she's embarrassed
when I come to watch her performances and school assemblies
or to help out at school. I asked for why
and she said it just makes her feel embarrassed and
that she doesn't like it. I felt a dugger through
my heart, but told her that if she felt embarrassed,
then I would respect her decision and not come. But
I'm dying inside. I was always so sad as a
(01:17):
kid when my mom didn't show up to things. Is
this age eight appropriate? And how do I handle it? Well?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Kylie? I don't know about you. I don't want to
be cynical about this because I feel the dagger in
the heart. I get it. You're laughing. You know where
this is going, don't you.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
She's off the hook. She's off the hook.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
If I never have to go to another school assembly
for the rest of the mine. I love that Amy
wants to be there, and I get it right, Like
you're proud of your child, they're going to be well.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Take assemblies out of the equation. If your child says
they don't want to be in your space because they're
embarrassed by.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
You, all they don't when you're showing up and doing
touch shop or volunteering in the class or.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
That's literally the worst thing you possibly be told by
your child it is.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It feels horrible, and you love your child and you
just want to be involved, and they're saying, get out
of my life, and it does hurt.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
So but I can promise you Amy, if you tell
her that you want to take her out for ice cream,
she'll be there in a flash.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I don't think this is as much about her being
embarrassed by you in general, but there's something specific about
the school environment that leaves her feeling uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, so let's just add the outset highlight what you're experiencing.
Totally normal, happens to lots of parents, even with children
as young as eight. I distinctly remember the day where
I said to my parents when they took me to
the movies with a friend, that's okay, I'll catch up.
And I didn't want to be seen with my parents.
My dad was wearing his polo shirt tucked in with
(02:44):
his levies and his belt and his sneakers. I don't
remember what mum was wearing, and Dad had the sort
of the balding head and the mullet off the back,
and I just thought, I can't be seen with this man.
This is completely inappropriate. So my friend and I walked
in about ten meters behind them. And our kids. I
don't know. I don't want to make this about physical appearance,
(03:05):
because that's not really what it is. I think what's
really going on is, for whatever reason, they're becoming more
self aware. They're starting to notice how they compared to peers.
They're starting to develop their identity, and this is a
developmental stage that can trigger unexpected reactions.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I remember when I was in high school. My mum
would come and pick me up and she would have
her religious music blaring, like literally at the top of
our stereo system, which was not a good.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
One choir in the high school car park.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I love it, so I would get her to pick
me up half an hour after school finished at the
back gate.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Well, I've got so much study to do. I'm going
to be in the library. I'll sit with the back gate.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Because inevitably I would open that car door and the
music would just spill out all over the ground.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, Glori Hall Olivia. That sort of stuff. In all seriousness,
it does hurt as a parent when your children are
it feels like they're rejecting you. You're saying I'm here
to support you, I want to celebrate your wins. That hurts,
but I.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Think for Amy, what's actually more is the fact that
her experience as a child was about not having her
parents there when she really really wanted them. And our
whole experience is clouded by our own personal experiences and
their perspective with which we take. So her heart's breaking
(04:26):
because she knows what it feels like to not have
a parent there and all of the emotion around that.
There's a few things that really stand out. She has
a child, number one, who feels completely comfortable to share
her feelings, her inner feelings with her mum.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Just doing it in a clumsy, insensitive, lacking empathy kind
of way.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
That's huge. Yep, that's huge, even when it hurts. That's huge, And.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
That's developmentally normal that you'd have a child who's not
particularly sensitive to your feelings. They are pretty egocentric.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
But number two, the recognition that you child is having
their own experience. It's not tainted by yours. Your reaction
is tainted by yours, but their experience is different. And
to me, the fact that she doesn't need you there
actually suggests that she knows you are there for her.
(05:18):
It actually, to me suggests that you're doing a great
job because your child doesn't feel like they need you
to see everything that's going on in their world for
them to feel seen, hurt in valued all value.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Points feel it, yeah, all valid points. It still hurts, though,
doesn't it? Because you just love your kids so much.
After the break. A couple of action steps to help
when your child is pushing you away and rejecting you. Okay, Kylie,
Amy's got a child who is saying, it's my life,
(05:50):
stay out. I'm eight, I'm a big girl. Now, I've
got my big girl pants. I'm I can do this.
I've just got a couple of action steps that I
think are going to be helpful. We can go through
this reasonably quickly. I don't believe that it's massively complicated
unless we want to make it so. So here are
my action steps. Sit down and have a hot chocolate
or a choky milkshake, some milk and cookies, just a treat,
(06:12):
and say I want her a follow up conversation. The
other day we were talking and you said to me
that you were embarrassed if I came to school. Is
it when I wave? Is it when I volunteer? Is
it when I sit in a certain place? Is it
because I go because I.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Wear bright green pants shirts.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Stream out, go Abby, You're the best in front of
everybody when everyone's quiet, Like, get a little bit of
a little bit of context around why she's feeling that way.
I think her answer is probably going to reveal that
you might be able to make some simple adjustments rather
than be completely absent. They might not, but they may.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
So when our eldest daughter started swimming and she made
it through to districts and regional, it got harder and
harder for us to communicate together in a way that
she felt comfortable with, especially once she was on the block,
because I was the mum you know, who was pretty
excited to see my daughter there and was larger than life.
So we actually came up with a little trick to
(07:07):
communicate together. So she would look up at me and
I would actually just take my right ear and I
would give it a wiggle with my hand, and she
would know that number one, I saw her, and number
two that I loved her and I was with her
every step of the way, and she would return it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
And you didn't have to scream that in front of
everybody and make a spectacle.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
And it was just a beautiful way for us to
communicate in a way that felt good for her.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It's so practical. Here's my next idea, offer compromises. So
you might say, well, what about if I sit in
the back, or what if I show up but I
don't volunteer, or what if I come to some events
but not others? Which events would you be okay with
me attending?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
So I think this is really important because I don't
feel like just because your child says something that you
should forego the things that are important to you as
a parent.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah. Yeah, and you're the one with the prefrontal cortex
and you have feeling too.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
These are significant milestones that parents not should That's probably
not the word I'm looking for, but we want to
be a part of and so finding a compromise that
works for both of you, like wiggling your ear with
my eldest daughter.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Or attending some events but not others, is a.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Really beautiful way to acknowledge. I hear you, but my
needs are important too.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
I want to pick up on that. The third thing
that I was going to say really aligns nicely, and
that is that we have the right as parents to
share our feelings in an age appropriate way. With our kids.
So a script like this. I get that you're embarrassed,
and I respect that, and the.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Last thing I want to do is leave you feeling
that way.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah. Absolutely, But I also feel a little bit sad
because I love seeing you perform or I love seeing
you do all the announcements on the assembly, and I'd
love to find a solution that can work for both
of us because you're important to me. And when we
do that, our children hopefully will develop the empathy and
have the compassion for our situation where they can say, well, yeah, okay,
(09:06):
I get it. I reckon, I reckon. I can work
with you on this. So that's pretty much it. I
think this is likely going to be a temporary thing,
particularly depending on how you respond to it. Amy kids
feel differently about their parents being visible in their lives,
depending on the age and stage of the child, and
depending on the relationship and the connection and those sorts
of things. I think have a chat with some other
(09:27):
parents in the school see if the other kids are
saying the same thing as well. Maybe this is one
of those little cohort things where one child says it
and then everyone else becomes a repeater. They all just
decide to go down that track.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It's interesting, once upon a time you would have had
nearly every parent there representing a family because most of
us stayed at home and we weren't in the workforce,
And nowadays that's not it. So you're actually kind of
the anomally if you are attending, because there aren't that
many parents around. And so maybe for her, she's kind
of like, why is my mom the only one who
(09:59):
shows up? It literally could be just that simple.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
And I think again, building any you go.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Up and give her a big hut in front of
all of her friends.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Trusting that this is support. Right. I love this child.
I'm supporting her be supportive in all areas of her life,
but not controlling. Supportive but not controlling, be involved. And
I think that over time she'll look back one day
and say, Mum, you're always there for me. You're always there,
and we communicate it, and I just I'm so grateful
that you made the effort even when I was resistant.
(10:28):
Sometimes this stuff just takes a while to come out
of the wash. Hopefully, Amy, that's been helpful. If you'd
like to submit a question and have us wrestle with
your tricky question on a Tuesday. We've got a super
simple system Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll
down to where it says podcasts, click the record button,
start talking. It's really that easy. Or you can email
us podcasts at happy families dot com dot you with
(10:51):
a voice note and we'll answer you at our next
available opportunity. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
Roland from Bridge Media. More information and resources to make
your family happier, please visit us at happy families dot
com dot A.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You
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