March 23, 2025 • 15 mins
Stop trying to control other people's moods, opinions, and behaviours—it's exhausting and impossible. Instead, try Mel Robbins' revolutionary "Let Them Theory" which teaches two simple words—"let them"—to reclaim your power and energy. When you stop obsessing over what others think or do, you finally focus on what matters: your own life. But that's only half the equation. The crucial second step is saying "let me" take action on what I CAN control.
# Quote of the Episode:
"The truth is other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them." - Mel Robbins
Key Points:
- The Let Them Theory consists of two parts: "let them" (accepting what others do) and "let me" (choosing your own response).
- When you stop trying to manage other people's emotions and behaviours, you reclaim your energy.
- "Let them" doesn't mean being a doormat—it means acknowledging you can't control others.
- Your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else's behaviour, opinions, or moods.
- Hacking your stress response by saying "let them" and taking a breath interrupts your reactivity.
- Trying to please everyone typically results in pleasing no one and exhausting yourself.
- The method works for handling difficult colleagues, judgmental family members, and stressful situations.
- This approach is primarily for adult relationships, not parenting young children who need guidance.
- Setting boundaries is still important—"let them" doesn't mean accepting harmful behaviour.
- People-pleasing often leaves you feeling empty and unappreciated despite your best efforts.
Resources Mentioned:
- "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins (New York Times bestseller)
- Mel Robbins Podcast
- Happy Families website
Action Steps for Parents:
- Next time someone upsets you, say "let them" silently to yourself, then take a deep breath
- Follow with "let me" and choose a response that serves your wellbeing
- Identify one relationship where you're trying too hard to please someone and practice letting go
- Accept that someone will always be disappointed by your decisions—and that's okay
- Remember that while you can "let them" with adults, parenting requires appropriate guidance and boundaries with children
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
One of the most popular books that I've been hearing
about for a couple of months now on podcasts everywhere
is from the number one podcast on the planet. Her
name is Mel Robbins and the book is called The
Let Them Theory, The Let Them Theory. I've been too
busy writing my own book to read this one, but Kylie,
(00:26):
missus Happy Families, has spent the last couple of weeks
diving deep into this New York Times bestseller that has
boomed up the charts everywhere. And today we tell you
what that let Them theory is and what it means
for peace, serenity, calm, bliss and all the good things
in your life. I think I don't actually know what
(00:47):
Kylie's going to say. Gooday, thanks so much for joining
us on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
Justin and Kylie Colson. All Right, Kylie, let's get straight
into it. You're not the expert on the let Them Theory.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Well, what's the actual title of the book, They Let
Them Theory, that's it.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But let Them Theory? Okay, what is if you can
tell me? Well, you're not the expert and didn't write
the book. What is the let them theory?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Well, I'm actually going to let mail tell you. I'm
going to read a little excerpt from the beginning of
a book because it's just it's such a profound thought.
If you're if you're reading this book wanting someone to
mody coddle you and to speak gently, she is not
the person. She speaks hard truth and they can be
hard to swallow.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Slap in the belly with a wet fish.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Yeah, a little bit maybe across that, a little bit.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Maybe, But this is what she says.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Ok, she says.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
The let them theory is about freedom, two simple words,
let them.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I thought you're going to say.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Freedom will free you from the burden of trying to
manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other
people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy
to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and
start living. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage
or please other people, you'll learn to let them. So
what does this look like? Imagine you're at work and
(02:08):
your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting
their negativity affect you, you just say let them, let
them be grumpy, it's not your problem. Focus on your
work and how you feel.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
I've got to cut you off for a sec. This
sounds like that thing that I said to you about
ten years ago that really changed our relationship. I felt
like you were cranky at me. I felt like you
were going through a really, really really rough time.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
I felt like I was.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Doing everything I could to support you and it wasn't working.
And one day I said, I'm not going to let
you be in a bad mood affect my mood, Like
if I'm going to have a good day, I'm having
a good day, and I'm satisfied to just let you
have a bad day. But I still love you and
I'm here to support you. But you get to choose
your mood.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
And I think, generally speaking, men are a lot better
at differentiating between someone else's emotion and their own, so
able to detach.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, you're upset, you can be upset. I'm going to
go about my day. That's kind of what she's saying.
That's one hundred Okay, So if my mother in law
drives me crazy, my mother in law's look at me
and saying, well, if you want to be upset at me.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
That's your choice.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
But I'm seventy years old and I'm going to live
the life that I want to live. Yeah, this is
the anti change.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Other people book? Got it? Just you?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (03:18):
So?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices
and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting
it ruin your day, just let him. Let him have
his opinions. They don't change who you are, or what
you've accomplished, or your right to make decisions that make
you happy. The truth is, other people hold no real
power over you unless you give it to that.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I'm thinking of so many people we need to give
this book case.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Here's how it works.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Are you still going?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours
to control, you stop wasting your energy. You recclaim your time,
your peace of mind, your focus. You realize that your
happiness is tied to your actions, not somebody else's behavior, opinions,
or moods. They let them. Theory will teach you that
the more you let other people live their lives, the
(04:03):
better your life gets.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Okay, okay, I love what's going on here. I love
what the book is about. When I hear this, though,
one of the great challenges that I'm confronted with is
as a parent. As a parent, you can't just let
the Yes, you can let the kids have a big
emotional outburst. I'm really good at saying, you know what, kids,
if you want to be upset about this, I get it.
I still love you. I'm trying to help you. But
(04:27):
if you don't want to talk to me, if you
want to be cranky, that's on you. I'm here when
you're ready. So I get that. But you also can't
let your children go and behavior responsibly. You know, you
have responsibility to socialize them.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
That's exactly right. Your role as a parent is to
parent them, so to safeguard them and to yes and
to them navigate. Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Does she have any content about because you're.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Not specifically in this book, she.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Does adult the adult.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
That's exactly right, and she does acknowledge that a parental
relationship with your child is different, especially with young children.
But she has something that you could go and look
on an ebook and have access to. There's just one
other thing that's really important when we think about the
let them theory. She said, too often people stop there
at letting other people have their emotions, have their opinions.
(05:17):
But there's actually more to it. There's two steps. So
she said, the let them theory isn't just let them. Yes,
it begins with these two words, but that's not the
whole story. Let them is just the first half of
the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step
to this theory, which is let me. So this book
(05:38):
is actually not about other people. It's about us and
what we choose to do following our acceptance of other
people's behavior, opinions, thoughts, emotions, and everything that goes with that.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Okay, Okay, after the break, what Kylie loved most about
this book? Because my sense is you liked it a lot. Okay, Kylie,
they let them theory. Mel Robin's the number one book
that everyone's talking about. She's the number one podcaster globally.
(06:15):
Wouldn't mind if we were the number one podcasts globally,
but we're not there yet. Can everyone just tell everyone
about this podcast like I think we do a I
think we do a good pod. Jump online, leave us
a five star rating and review. Maybe that'll help us
to move up the charts a little bit.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Gee Whiz, please please pretty, please do it?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Is this the bit where you say, just let them
do what they want?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Is that the bit what you said I.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Was about to say, maybe just write a bit of book.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Oh it hurt a lot, the pain, the pain that
we are both going through as I'm writing this current book.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
It better be worth it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
It better be worth it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Oh okay, what did you love most about Mel Robin's
They'll let Them Theory book?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I'm going to share with you three main things that
I took away from this. The first one she calls
hacking your stress response. She says, the moment anything happens
that stresses you out, literally say the words let them
put yourself in pause, then say let me and take
(07:17):
a breath, Let me take another breath. Slow your stress response,
calm your body and brain down, take control and regain
your power. I love the fact that she just in
these few simple steps, what happens when somebody aggravates us?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, we we respond reactively. We I mean, sometimes we
ignore it. Sometimes you turn against or turn away. Right,
That's the way that I normally talk about it.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
If you're not a confrontational person, you might not actually
have anything to do with the purpose you will ruminate
over that, You'll keep going over the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I should have said that instead exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Exactly, and so we actually Number one, give our power
to them. All of our energy is focused on that scenario,
and we can no longer move forward in positive ways.
And the idea and the science back behind taking a
breath and stopping ourselves between stimulus and response is so powerful.
(08:27):
And I just love the reminder that I get to
regain my power by acknowledging I can't change you, but
I can change how I choose to see this and
respond to it.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
You love it.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Number two the power of let me. This is really
this is so good.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I love this book.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I love seeing you enjoy a book. It's been an
ages since I've seen this.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
She said. Regardless of what circumstances and situations of which
you find yourself, using the let them theory, you'll learn
that no matter how big the problem is or how
stressful something feels, there's always something you can do through
your actions and attitudes to make it better. That is
the power of let me. You can't control everyone around you,
(09:11):
or the world at large, or what people are doing
at the park, but you can always control what you say,
what you think, or what you do in response.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I've got to jump in on you with what you're
talking about here. This is the ultimate don't be a
victim book. That's what I'm hearing you say. I know
that that sounds really offensive. And some people, well, like
I said, say for what I'm saying, but you said this.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Is I said that at the beginning, she says, some
like she hard truth, really hard truth, even to the
point that you are in the wrong. Yeah, like literally,
you are in the wrong. If you're feeling x Y
and Z about x y and Z, then you're in
the wrong.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I'm hearing take responsibility for you and let other people
be themselves. Does she make the point that if people
really cross a line, that you have to act though.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yes, of course she acknowledges you're not supposed to be
a doormat. Yeah, but that's where you get to decide.
Am I going to stay in this relationship? Is this
a relationship that builds me, lifts me up?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Am I going to put a boundary in here and
say you've just crossed the line?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (10:15):
All right, great, Yes, what's the third thing?
Speaker 1 (10:16):
We are nearly out of time, and I feel like,
I need to pick up this book and read it
as well.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
It sounds like fun.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
The last thing that she makes is don't be the
person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy. She said,
someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions
that you make. Love it. This is so powerful and
as she shared the experience that led her to this belief,
(10:43):
I was just thinking about all the times I have
done this.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Give me the short version of the experience.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
So one weekend, her best friend is having a milestone birthday.
They're going away for the weekend. It's a four hour
drive in one direction. But months previous to this, there's
another commitment invitation. Her parents have acknowledged that her grandparents
will be in town and she's promised that she will
be with them for the weekend. So torn her totally torn.
(11:12):
Number One, she wants to be a good friend, but
she also wants to be a good daughter and a
grand grander. So she decides there's only one solution. She's
going to drive the four hours to spend the night
with her best friend and the girls get completely sloshed,
have asleep, wake up the next morning, and while everyone's
still sleeping, it off she gets in the car and
(11:35):
she drives to her mum's place. It's not until a
few days later that she's catching up with her friends
and somebody acknowledges that the birthday girl was really disappointed
and made the comment that why did she even bother
to show up?
Speaker 1 (11:47):
If she could, if she's going next morning weekend?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Yeah. Meantime, when she showed up at her parents' house,
her mum gave her a big hug and whispered in
her ear, I need you to know, Grandma was really disappointed.
You won't here last.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Just keep it to yourself, mum, Like you see.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Can you see just in that situation, she's tried in
her in the only way she knows how to please
both people and please no one, and she hasn't.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Pleased and no one has.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
The sad thing about that for me is there's no gratitude,
there's no grace.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
People aren't saying Mel's got so much on and at
least she made the time to do something. Instead they're saying,
why did she bother? I mean to me, that's that's
an indictment on them. And Mel needs new relatives and
new friends.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Draw some boundaries. Mail Robins.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
But as I read that, I was thinking of all
the times that I have turned my life upside down,
twisted into a hundred different knots and like a breath,
directions to please everyone, and I've had similar outcomes, and
I'm left feeling less than whole and seriously upset and disappointed.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Okay, that there.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Is just no grace of it in spite of my
very best efforts, It's not enough. And so the things
that I love about this book the acknowledgment that I
can't change anyone else. This is not new, This is
not new. But in me taking on that thought process
(13:20):
of let them, I literally am able to just say
you have every right to feel that way. I know
you disappointed that I didn't get to spend the weekend
with you, but I feel good about the decision I
made to come and spend time with you.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
We're out of time, But I've got a question for you. Yes,
have you been using any of the let them theory
on me or our kids?
Speaker 3 (13:42):
No? I haven't, But I've had a situation just in
the last few weeks. It has been really troubling for me,
and for a handful of days, I've really been ruminating
over the way other people have chosen to respond to
a decision that I made. And the problem is, we
know why we make the decisions we make.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, when you're intimately trying to be helpful, that's right.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
And you're thinking about everybody being a people pleaser, I'm
thinking about everyone and trying to make everybody happy in
the scenario. But there are plenty of people who are
not happy with the decision that I made, and I
was getting myself all worked up about it, and then
I woke up one morning and I just thought, you
know what, them, It's okay that they feel this way. No,
not from a.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
It's not from a it's a smug arrogance in your.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Face, it literally is. I can see why you would
feel that way. It's okay that you feel that way.
That's not why I made the decision, and I didn't
make it with that intent, but I can see how
that decision may have impacted you in that way, and
that's okay. It's not mine to fix it's that's theirs.
(14:49):
My role is to take control of the things I
can control. I can't control them, but I can control
how I think, how I choose to respond and How
I Act.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is Kylie Coulson's
new favorite book. Fair call It's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
We will into it in the show notes. If you
would like to click on the link and grab a copy.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from
Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information about making
your family happier and navigating those tricky relationships, jump online
to Happy Families dot com dot a
One of the most popular books that I've been hearing
about for a couple of months now on podcasts everywhere
is from the number one podcast on the planet. Her
name is Mel Robbins and the book is called The
Let Them Theory, The Let Them Theory. I've been too
busy writing my own book to read this one, but Kylie,
(00:26):
missus Happy Families, has spent the last couple of weeks
diving deep into this New York Times bestseller that has
boomed up the charts everywhere. And today we tell you
what that let Them theory is and what it means
for peace, serenity, calm, bliss and all the good things
in your life. I think I don't actually know what
(00:47):
Kylie's going to say. Gooday, thanks so much for joining
us on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
Justin and Kylie Colson. All Right, Kylie, let's get straight
into it. You're not the expert on the let Them Theory.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Well, what's the actual title of the book, They Let
Them Theory, that's it.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But let Them Theory? Okay, what is if you can
tell me? Well, you're not the expert and didn't write
the book. What is the let them theory?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Well, I'm actually going to let mail tell you. I'm
going to read a little excerpt from the beginning of
a book because it's just it's such a profound thought.
If you're if you're reading this book wanting someone to
mody coddle you and to speak gently, she is not
the person. She speaks hard truth and they can be
hard to swallow.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Slap in the belly with a wet fish.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Yeah, a little bit maybe across that, a little bit.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Maybe, But this is what she says.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Ok, she says.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
The let them theory is about freedom, two simple words,
let them.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I thought you're going to say.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Freedom will free you from the burden of trying to
manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other
people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy
to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and
start living. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage
or please other people, you'll learn to let them. So
what does this look like? Imagine you're at work and
(02:08):
your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting
their negativity affect you, you just say let them, let
them be grumpy, it's not your problem. Focus on your
work and how you feel.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
I've got to cut you off for a sec. This
sounds like that thing that I said to you about
ten years ago that really changed our relationship. I felt
like you were cranky at me. I felt like you
were going through a really, really really rough time.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
I felt like I was.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Doing everything I could to support you and it wasn't working.
And one day I said, I'm not going to let
you be in a bad mood affect my mood, Like
if I'm going to have a good day, I'm having
a good day, and I'm satisfied to just let you
have a bad day. But I still love you and
I'm here to support you. But you get to choose
your mood.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
And I think, generally speaking, men are a lot better
at differentiating between someone else's emotion and their own, so
able to detach.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, you're upset, you can be upset. I'm going to
go about my day. That's kind of what she's saying.
That's one hundred Okay, So if my mother in law
drives me crazy, my mother in law's look at me
and saying, well, if you want to be upset at me.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
That's your choice.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
But I'm seventy years old and I'm going to live
the life that I want to live. Yeah, this is
the anti change.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Other people book? Got it? Just you?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Do you?
Speaker 2 (03:18):
So?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices
and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting
it ruin your day, just let him. Let him have
his opinions. They don't change who you are, or what
you've accomplished, or your right to make decisions that make
you happy. The truth is, other people hold no real
power over you unless you give it to that.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I'm thinking of so many people we need to give
this book case.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Here's how it works.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Are you still going?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours
to control, you stop wasting your energy. You recclaim your time,
your peace of mind, your focus. You realize that your
happiness is tied to your actions, not somebody else's behavior, opinions,
or moods. They let them. Theory will teach you that
the more you let other people live their lives, the
(04:03):
better your life gets.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Okay, okay, I love what's going on here. I love
what the book is about. When I hear this, though,
one of the great challenges that I'm confronted with is
as a parent. As a parent, you can't just let
the Yes, you can let the kids have a big
emotional outburst. I'm really good at saying, you know what, kids,
if you want to be upset about this, I get it.
I still love you. I'm trying to help you. But
(04:27):
if you don't want to talk to me, if you
want to be cranky, that's on you. I'm here when
you're ready. So I get that. But you also can't
let your children go and behavior responsibly. You know, you
have responsibility to socialize them.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
That's exactly right. Your role as a parent is to
parent them, so to safeguard them and to yes and
to them navigate. Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Does she have any content about because you're.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Not specifically in this book, she.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Does adult the adult.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
That's exactly right, and she does acknowledge that a parental
relationship with your child is different, especially with young children.
But she has something that you could go and look
on an ebook and have access to. There's just one
other thing that's really important when we think about the
let them theory. She said, too often people stop there
at letting other people have their emotions, have their opinions.
(05:17):
But there's actually more to it. There's two steps. So
she said, the let them theory isn't just let them. Yes,
it begins with these two words, but that's not the
whole story. Let them is just the first half of
the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step
to this theory, which is let me. So this book
(05:38):
is actually not about other people. It's about us and
what we choose to do following our acceptance of other
people's behavior, opinions, thoughts, emotions, and everything that goes with that.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Okay, Okay, after the break, what Kylie loved most about
this book? Because my sense is you liked it a lot. Okay, Kylie,
they let them theory. Mel Robin's the number one book
that everyone's talking about. She's the number one podcaster globally.
(06:15):
Wouldn't mind if we were the number one podcasts globally,
but we're not there yet. Can everyone just tell everyone
about this podcast like I think we do a I
think we do a good pod. Jump online, leave us
a five star rating and review. Maybe that'll help us
to move up the charts a little bit.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Gee Whiz, please please pretty, please do it?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Is this the bit where you say, just let them
do what they want?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Is that the bit what you said I.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Was about to say, maybe just write a bit of book.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Oh it hurt a lot, the pain, the pain that
we are both going through as I'm writing this current book.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
It better be worth it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
It better be worth it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Oh okay, what did you love most about Mel Robin's
They'll let Them Theory book?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I'm going to share with you three main things that
I took away from this. The first one she calls
hacking your stress response. She says, the moment anything happens
that stresses you out, literally say the words let them
put yourself in pause, then say let me and take
(07:17):
a breath, Let me take another breath. Slow your stress response,
calm your body and brain down, take control and regain
your power. I love the fact that she just in
these few simple steps, what happens when somebody aggravates us?
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, we we respond reactively. We I mean, sometimes we
ignore it. Sometimes you turn against or turn away. Right,
That's the way that I normally talk about it.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
If you're not a confrontational person, you might not actually
have anything to do with the purpose you will ruminate
over that, You'll keep going over the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I should have said that instead exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Exactly, and so we actually Number one, give our power
to them. All of our energy is focused on that scenario,
and we can no longer move forward in positive ways.
And the idea and the science back behind taking a
breath and stopping ourselves between stimulus and response is so powerful.
(08:27):
And I just love the reminder that I get to
regain my power by acknowledging I can't change you, but
I can change how I choose to see this and
respond to it.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
You love it.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Number two the power of let me. This is really
this is so good.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I love this book.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I love seeing you enjoy a book. It's been an
ages since I've seen this.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
She said. Regardless of what circumstances and situations of which
you find yourself, using the let them theory, you'll learn
that no matter how big the problem is or how
stressful something feels, there's always something you can do through
your actions and attitudes to make it better. That is
the power of let me. You can't control everyone around you,
(09:11):
or the world at large, or what people are doing
at the park, but you can always control what you say,
what you think, or what you do in response.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I've got to jump in on you with what you're
talking about here. This is the ultimate don't be a
victim book. That's what I'm hearing you say. I know
that that sounds really offensive. And some people, well, like
I said, say for what I'm saying, but you said this.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Is I said that at the beginning, she says, some
like she hard truth, really hard truth, even to the
point that you are in the wrong. Yeah, like literally,
you are in the wrong. If you're feeling x Y
and Z about x y and Z, then you're in
the wrong.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I'm hearing take responsibility for you and let other people
be themselves. Does she make the point that if people
really cross a line, that you have to act though.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yes, of course she acknowledges you're not supposed to be
a doormat. Yeah, but that's where you get to decide.
Am I going to stay in this relationship? Is this
a relationship that builds me, lifts me up?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Am I going to put a boundary in here and
say you've just crossed the line?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (10:15):
All right, great, Yes, what's the third thing?
Speaker 1 (10:16):
We are nearly out of time, and I feel like,
I need to pick up this book and read it
as well.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
It sounds like fun.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
The last thing that she makes is don't be the
person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy. She said,
someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions
that you make. Love it. This is so powerful and
as she shared the experience that led her to this belief,
(10:43):
I was just thinking about all the times I have
done this.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Give me the short version of the experience.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
So one weekend, her best friend is having a milestone birthday.
They're going away for the weekend. It's a four hour
drive in one direction. But months previous to this, there's
another commitment invitation. Her parents have acknowledged that her grandparents
will be in town and she's promised that she will
be with them for the weekend. So torn her totally torn.
(11:12):
Number One, she wants to be a good friend, but
she also wants to be a good daughter and a
grand grander. So she decides there's only one solution. She's
going to drive the four hours to spend the night
with her best friend and the girls get completely sloshed,
have asleep, wake up the next morning, and while everyone's
still sleeping, it off she gets in the car and
(11:35):
she drives to her mum's place. It's not until a
few days later that she's catching up with her friends
and somebody acknowledges that the birthday girl was really disappointed
and made the comment that why did she even bother
to show up?
Speaker 1 (11:47):
If she could, if she's going next morning weekend?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Yeah. Meantime, when she showed up at her parents' house,
her mum gave her a big hug and whispered in
her ear, I need you to know, Grandma was really disappointed.
You won't here last.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Just keep it to yourself, mum, Like you see.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Can you see just in that situation, she's tried in
her in the only way she knows how to please
both people and please no one, and she hasn't.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Pleased and no one has.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
The sad thing about that for me is there's no gratitude,
there's no grace.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
People aren't saying Mel's got so much on and at
least she made the time to do something. Instead they're saying,
why did she bother? I mean to me, that's that's
an indictment on them. And Mel needs new relatives and
new friends.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Draw some boundaries. Mail Robins.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
But as I read that, I was thinking of all
the times that I have turned my life upside down,
twisted into a hundred different knots and like a breath,
directions to please everyone, and I've had similar outcomes, and
I'm left feeling less than whole and seriously upset and disappointed.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Okay, that there.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Is just no grace of it in spite of my
very best efforts, It's not enough. And so the things
that I love about this book the acknowledgment that I
can't change anyone else. This is not new, This is
not new. But in me taking on that thought process
(13:20):
of let them, I literally am able to just say
you have every right to feel that way. I know
you disappointed that I didn't get to spend the weekend
with you, but I feel good about the decision I
made to come and spend time with you.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
We're out of time, But I've got a question for you. Yes,
have you been using any of the let them theory
on me or our kids?
Speaker 3 (13:42):
No? I haven't, But I've had a situation just in
the last few weeks. It has been really troubling for me,
and for a handful of days, I've really been ruminating
over the way other people have chosen to respond to
a decision that I made. And the problem is, we
know why we make the decisions we make.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, when you're intimately trying to be helpful, that's right.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
And you're thinking about everybody being a people pleaser, I'm
thinking about everyone and trying to make everybody happy in
the scenario. But there are plenty of people who are
not happy with the decision that I made, and I
was getting myself all worked up about it, and then
I woke up one morning and I just thought, you
know what, them, It's okay that they feel this way. No,
not from a.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
It's not from a it's a smug arrogance in your.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Face, it literally is. I can see why you would
feel that way. It's okay that you feel that way.
That's not why I made the decision, and I didn't
make it with that intent, but I can see how
that decision may have impacted you in that way, and
that's okay. It's not mine to fix it's that's theirs.
(14:49):
My role is to take control of the things I
can control. I can't control them, but I can control
how I think, how I choose to respond and How
I Act.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is Kylie Coulson's
new favorite book. Fair call It's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
We will into it in the show notes. If you
would like to click on the link and grab a copy.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from
Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information about making
your family happier and navigating those tricky relationships, jump online
to Happy Families dot com dot a
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