April 14, 2025 • 17 mins
If you've ever asked your child to do something—only to be met with silence, eye-rolls, or outright refusal—this episode is for you. Justin and Kylie dive into five surprising reasons why kids ignore us and share five powerful strategies to help them want to listen. With equal parts insight and humour, this episode offers real-world parenting advice that makes connection—not control—the goal.
KEY POINTS:
-
Kids often don’t listen because they don’t care about the task or see it as relevant to them.
-
Developmentally, children are egocentric and lack adult-level perspective.
-
Parents often forget to get their child’s attention before making a request.
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Screentime, distractions, and habits of non-compliance can reduce responsiveness.
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Being fun, patient, and involved can transform how children respond.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“Be the kind of person your kids want to pay attention to.”
RESOURCES:
-
Happy Families Membership – happyfamilies.com.au
- How to Get Your Kids to Really Listen [PDF download]
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
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Get your child’s attention before speaking—use touch, eye contact, and a calm tone.
-
Be involved—where possible, do the task together rather than directing from afar.
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Use gentle reminders and accountability instead of repeating or yelling.
-
Be patient—allow time between request and response before following up.
-
Make it fun—add humour, creativity, and playfulness to your interactions to boost connection.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I kind of feel like I need to begin today's
podcast with a sigh, just a big ah, and I'll
tell you why, because kids and listening kids, and so
many times it's got to be one of the most
commonly asked questions that I get. And yet just recently
we had a situation at home where the kids weren't
listening to me, and I thought, what's the advice that
I give to everybody else because I need it right
(00:26):
now and I couldn't remember it. So I got a
little bit mad. I was like, come one, you've got
to do better than this. Why won't the kids listen?
Today on the Happy Families Podcast, five reasons your children
are not listening to you and five things you can
do to make them want to listen to you.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I know when our kids were younger, we actually wondered
whether we're or not. We had some hearing challenge.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We literally had one of the kids is tested. Paid
a lot of money for it. Government usually covers that
depending on which state you're in Australia. Now, I think
it's a federally covered thing, but if you're unsure, I mean,
let's acknowledge there is a serious side to this. If
you have a child with low hearing or no hearing,
then well this podcast episode is probably not for you,
(01:10):
and no, actually I think that it will be. But
we're mainly going to be talking about kids who have
perfectly good hearing and they just are not not responding.
They're non compliant. If you want to find out if
your kid's hearing is good, you can get the free test,
or you can stand at the door of the bedroom
that they're in and say who wants ice cream? You'll
get a response, you'll know an.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
You can't just say who wants ice cream? You have
to whisper.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Of course, even while they're on a screen, they're still
going to look up and go uh huh. I mean
that's when you know.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Or you don't even have to say anything. Just open
a packet of biscuit.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yeah they hear the crinkly yeah yeah, yeah they're there.
You got it, You got it? Okay. Five reasons. Five
reasons your children are not listening to you.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Can I tell you number one? It's two words, yeah,
care factor. They don't care what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah. Yeah, you're a five.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Year old and you're playing with your lego. The last
thing you want to do is look up and listen
to mum because she wants you to go brush your
teeth because it's time for bed.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
And that's the critical thing. They're not listening because we're
asking them to do stuff. There's all of this correction
and direction. It's never fun to listen to Mum or
dad because they're telling me to do something that I
don't want to do. And just on that care factor,
I mean, this is a question of motivation, I guess.
But they don't have the same capacity, the same interest
in noticing things that we notice. So we walk into
(02:29):
the living room and we see two things on the
couch and three things on the floor, and we say, hm,
five things that need to be put away and then
this room will look beautiful. Kids walk into that living
room and they say lego.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Or they look pretty lonely. They need more stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Yeah, my goodness. So care factor is a huge one.
A couple of other things. I want to make this point.
They are listening. They just don't like what you're saying.
I've said this to so many parents, and every time
I do, parents' eyes go ah, yeah yeah, because what
are you saying? How much how much reason are you
giving them to want to listen, usually not much. Unpack
(03:07):
the dish washer, put your bag away, pick up your towel,
Come to the table, Set the table. Why haven't you
fed the dogs yet? Like that, that's our conversation.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We've had this conversation every morning for the last few
weeks about whose tone it is to feed the dog?
I know, And yesterday morning I devised a plan. Oh
did you I did. I'd ask two different children over
a duration of about ten minutes, to feed the dogs.
There was no water in their bowls. They're scratching at
the door. They want their food.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Please don't call the RSPCR. Folks, we do look after
our dogs. It's just that sometimes they have to wait
for their dinner.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And after I finally asked the second child, who just
walked past me and ignored me, I went, right, okay, Annie,
you've got Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Lily you've got Tuesday Thursday
to teas. We can't forget that. And Emily you've got
the weekend. I need a plan that works for me
because I need to know. It has to be easy
(04:01):
for me to remember, right, because if I get to
Wednesday and I'm like, whose turn is it? No? One's
going to admit it's their turn, Whereas now I've got
a definite plan and they all looked at me and
they went okay, and the dogs got fed.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So we have gone sideways a bit here, But let's
just emphasize if you want your children to be confident,
there has to be structure, and what you've done in
fifteen seconds or less is device the structure that everyone's
willing to comply with. And now we can satisfactorily keep
the dogs fed. See no reason to call the RSPCA.
We've got this, we've got this cup. But I think
there's a couple of things that we need to highlight here.
You've mentioned number one, in fact number one for you
(04:35):
that they don't care. That's part of a broader issue
for me, and that is that they don't have the
same capacity to care because they're so egocentric. Children between
the ages of I don't know, two and sixty two
tend to really care about themselves and not other people.
Well that's probably unfair two and twelve sixty two, Yeah, okay,
(05:00):
And so what's important to you in your world is
just not important to them in their world. When you
say we need to get into the car. I have
a meeting, and if I'm late for the meeting, that's
going to be bad. The kids because are like, no,
it's not it doesn't affect me at all. I'm fine,
it doesn't affect them. So there's the capacity to care
that is tied to motivation and this idea of ego centrism.
(05:23):
It's about me, my needs, my focus, my attention, and.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Not because they're selfish, not literally, because developmentally this is
where they are at.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah perspective, what you care about your issues are not
my issues, And that sounds really selfish. But when you're
when you don't have the developmental capacity to care about
somebody else's issues in a meaningful way, that's what you get.
That's why children are the way that they are once
they become teenagers. Another thing that happens is that other
(05:55):
voices simply become more interesting, parents' voices, being listened your
voice for more than a decade. Now I know it,
I've heard it. I'm used to it.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We just to draw like you just drag on.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, And I think we also have to acknowledge near adiversity,
low hearing children, the impact of screens. Sometimes the kids
are so focused on this screen. I think got their
headphones in or on or whatever, really hard to drab
their attention. So Number one, kids don't have the same
capacity to care, and we've talked about all of that.
(06:28):
Number two, Kylie, kids don't have the same attention or capacity.
In other words, when you and I are talking, when
two adults are involved in a conversation, we're able to
engage in a way that kids aren't able to engage in.
They just don't have the same stamina, the same focus,
the same ability to zero in and say, okay, I'm listening,
(06:50):
I've got you. What's Number three, We will still love them.
We will still love them like a teacher or a coach,
or a friend or a neighbor or whoever it might be.
If kids don't follow the structure and the expectation, then
they might feel like they've lost the relationship. Other relationships
are short term. There's no guarantee that this is going
(07:11):
to keep going. But kids know I don't have to
listen to my parents, and they're obligated to continue to
love me. They've got me. It's cool. I can get
away with this.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
But I also don't feel like they have the confidence
that they can push back on the teacher either. You know,
when you think about other adults, they've learned quickly. Societal
norms suggests in societal rules that we need to be
compliant in certain scenarios and situations.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, all the kids in the classroom are doing that
as well.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
That's right. So there's this positive peer pressure that comes
in those settings when there's large numbers of kids all together.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Number four is that silence and refusal mean different things
to us than what they mean to the kids. So
if your child refuses to put shoes on or refuse
us to get their school bag ready, as a parent,
because you're flustered and stressed and you need to get
out the door, and so did they, you might see
that as obstinates or refusal or some other frustrating thing.
(08:09):
And guess what. For them, it might be that something
else matters more. Or it might be that they're scared
of going to school today because they know that that
presentation's due and they're not ready for it, or they
know that the teacher is not going to be there
and they're going to have a sub because they got
warning ahead of time, and they don't do well with
sub teachers. Those kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I know with my teenagers when we sometimes having heated
conversations about why they haven't responded to me positively in
that moment, the acknowledgment is that I haven't recognized and
seen that they were in the middle of something, so
like I was just finishing what I was doing and
then I was going to get onto x y zed.
(08:47):
So again, perspective from our end is just as important
as perspective from their end.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Which kind of leads nicely into the fifth and final one,
and that is that quite often we talk to our
children and expect them to listen, but we do not
have their attention, so we're expecting that when we open
our mouths, everybody is going to focus on us. We
feel like we're the center of the universe instead of them.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
We think about how many conversations you have with your
kids and you call out from the other room right
you're not even in the same space, You're not making
eye contact, and you're expecting immediate compliance.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
After the break. Five things to do to help your
kids to want to listen to you.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
So we've talked about five reasons why the kids won't
listen to us, but everyone what's a good solution. You
said before the break that you've got five reasons to
help our kids listen to us. I'd love to hear them, and.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
They're all really easy. We can get through them super fast.
Number One, make sure you have their attention before you
talk to them.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
This is really important for young kids, especially.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
How obvious is this and how often do we not
do it? Yeah, just when you've got eye contact, when
there's some touch, when there's some genuine engagement, when you've
walked to them and said hey kiddo, and then you
see them look at you and say yeah mum or yeah,
that that's when you start talking.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
You know. Touch you said touch, and it just like
visually the amount of times where I've tried to call
from the other room haven't got any response, And then
I've walked in on our ten year old who's got
her nose in a book and I've literally just touched
her on the shoulder, I touched her on the hand,
and instant she's looked up at me.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yeah, it's instant. Just Number one, have their attention before
you start talking.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
What's number two.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Number two is be involved, be involved. So quite often
we say go do this, Go do that there's a
lot of correction, a lot of direction, and not a
lot of connection.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I was thinking about this in relation to the classroom.
Teachers Obviously will will often have to do things and
not be literally with your child or with the class
as a whole, though they might race over to their
desk while they asked the kids to do something. But
more times than not, in a classroom situation, the teacher
say to the kids, all right, I want you two
straight lines here, find a partner and stand in line.
(11:05):
But they're standing in that line at the front of
the line, and they're making eye contact with those kids
as they're kind of you know, moving around the room.
They're right there with them. But at home, I know,
in my case, I'm like, okay, will you do this,
and I'll do the fifteen other things I've got to
do before we get out the door. And so as
soon as I walk out the door, they've forgot on
what I've said because they're engross and whatever they're doing.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
That's why I love all in that nighttime routine that
we usually have, although lately it's been a bit shoddy,
where the whole family comes into the kitchen and we
clean up the meal together. It's involved time we can talk.
Everybody's listening, paying attention. No one complains during that period
that no one's listening to me. Because you're involved and
you're doing it together, I know, it feels like it's
(11:46):
going to take longer. The great paradox is that it
usually does not take as long because everybody's doing it together.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Or it does take longer, it it's because you're actually
enjoying yourself and having fun. You don't want it to end.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
That's right, And relationships are not built on efficiency. It's
not the purpose of relationships. Number three. Just be patient,
like wait, call out to your child, maybe even invite
them to do something, and then wait. Because when I
ask parents how long they usually wait between request number
one and then the follow up, I just asked you
(12:17):
to do something, The answer by most parents is like
four seconds. Hey, put your shoes on.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
You haven't moved yet.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I said, put your shoes on.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
It like, give them a minute, just wait, just be
a little bit patient.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I think that it will it will help.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Number four.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
This one is my favorite one because a lot of
parents say, oh, all this soft parenting where you get
down at their level and you look them in the
eyes and hold their sweet little hands and whisper sweet
nothings to them as you try to gently coax them
into doing what you want. No no, no, no, no accountability, accountability.
So I don't know how often you've seen me do this,
but I'll ask the kids to do something, and then
(12:56):
I will stand in front of them and just wait
until they move there but and get on with it.
And sometimes I'll stand there for twenty seconds and I'll
look up and they're like what, And I'll say, I
asked you to do something? What was it? And I'm
like oh, And They've got of the voices and all
the eye rolls. But I just stand there until they
get on with it, and I'll off it. Would you
like me to be involved with you while you do it?
(13:19):
We can do it together if you like. I just
I need you to do this. It's time and sometimes
it has to be done instantly. Other times I'll be like,
just get this done before the end of the week, right,
like the lawns need to be mode. I want it
done by the weekend.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
As a tangent to this, I think are really a
wonderful principle that we've used in our home as gentle reminders.
We use a lot of words as parents, and when
we make a request and it's not done instantly. One
of the things that we have often used in our
home is just gone up to the kids and gone, hey, kiddo,
the lawns. We don't have to give them the long lecture.
(13:54):
It's a gentle reminder, but they know.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
They still go, oh, but we're not nagging, right And
number five the last one, and I think this one's
probably the most important One've all be the kind of
person that they want to pay attention to.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
You talk about the idea of soft parenting, and you know,
do I have to hold my kid's hand? But yeah,
I want to hold my kid's hand like they're my people,
and I want them to know that I'm their person.
And the softer I can be with them, the better
of my relationship is with them, and therefore I will
be the person they want to listen to.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I only going to use the word soft, and I
agree with you, but I would change the word or
maybe add another word, and that would be fun. Like
just recently, I was doing a seminar and somebody asked
a question about how do I how do I really
connect with my children better. And I gave all these long,
really good science the answers and all the I really
nailed the answer, and then I paused. Just as I
(14:46):
was finishing, I was like, you know what, all that's
really important, but if you really want to connect with
your kids, just make it fun. Be a fun person.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I just had a visual a flash mob. Ask the
kids to do something and break into songs. Yeah, just
make it fun, flashing lights. If they're not listening to you,
it's because you're probably not fun. I know that's a
bit of a sort of a bit of a slam,
but as parents, we can pretty much all acknowledge that
most of the time we are not fun, and if
we could be more fun, our kids would be really
happy to listen to us. One of my good mates
(15:16):
spend a lot of time riding bikes with this friend
of mine, Chris, and he is what I would call
just a brilliantly fun dad.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Chris. Every Friday, he's got this tradition. He takes the
kids down of the cafe and buys them breakfast. Spends
far too much money on breakfast, hates spending the money,
but just knows that the value of having that Friday
morning tradition with the kids. It's fun. He takes them
go karting that they're into that. He makes his own
he builds his own go karts. I mean, this guy
is just clearly not me. But he makes time together
(15:48):
fun and that's what you need to do. That's how
you build a relationship, right, you have fun together.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
As parents, we're pretty highly strung most of the time.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Most of the time.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
I remember a story about your friend Dave. You were
in the pool one day. Kids had these water soakas and.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
We weren't in the pool. We got for a ride
on a stinking hot day. It was like forty two
degrees and we were thinking about getting in the pool,
but the water was so cold, and.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
The kids were in there, weren't they they were they
were playing.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
It was like it was so cold, so cold, And
I've did my toe in the water and I'm like, nuh,
not getting in there. And as I've turned around to
say to Dave, I don't think I'm having a swim,
I felt this icy pain in the smaller of my
back because the kids have hit me with a super
socer and I've turned around to get cranky at this
child to say, what are you doing? But I remember
I'm a parenting expert and I've got Dave the Bachelor,
(16:40):
forty two years old, no kids standing beside me, and
I'm like, oh, I've got to be really nice about this.
And before I could figure out what to say, they
hit him with the super socer right at the chest,
right in the chest, and you.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Know what he did.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
He went ah, He grabbed his chest and then he
fell into the pool in spite of the fact that
it was so cold, and the kids swam over and
they jumped on his shoulders and they started to clamber
all over him, and I thought, hmmm, yeah, the pairing
experts being miserable on the side of the pool while
the guy with no kids is in there showing him
how to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
We've got to have more fun.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin rule On.
We really hope that the ideas we've given you today
will help you to get the kids to listen better
and want to listen to you. Thanks so much for listening.
We love sharing these things with you. If you'd like
more about how to make you family happier, the best
stuff is in our Happy Families membership. You can find
it online at happyfamilies dot com dot au. Check it
(17:29):
out
I kind of feel like I need to begin today's
podcast with a sigh, just a big ah, and I'll
tell you why, because kids and listening kids, and so
many times it's got to be one of the most
commonly asked questions that I get. And yet just recently
we had a situation at home where the kids weren't
listening to me, and I thought, what's the advice that
I give to everybody else because I need it right
(00:26):
now and I couldn't remember it. So I got a
little bit mad. I was like, come one, you've got
to do better than this. Why won't the kids listen?
Today on the Happy Families Podcast, five reasons your children
are not listening to you and five things you can
do to make them want to listen to you.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I know when our kids were younger, we actually wondered
whether we're or not. We had some hearing challenge.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We literally had one of the kids is tested. Paid
a lot of money for it. Government usually covers that
depending on which state you're in Australia. Now, I think
it's a federally covered thing, but if you're unsure, I mean,
let's acknowledge there is a serious side to this. If
you have a child with low hearing or no hearing,
then well this podcast episode is probably not for you,
(01:10):
and no, actually I think that it will be. But
we're mainly going to be talking about kids who have
perfectly good hearing and they just are not not responding.
They're non compliant. If you want to find out if
your kid's hearing is good, you can get the free test,
or you can stand at the door of the bedroom
that they're in and say who wants ice cream? You'll
get a response, you'll know an.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
You can't just say who wants ice cream? You have
to whisper.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Of course, even while they're on a screen, they're still
going to look up and go uh huh. I mean
that's when you know.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Or you don't even have to say anything. Just open
a packet of biscuit.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yeah they hear the crinkly yeah yeah, yeah they're there.
You got it, You got it? Okay. Five reasons. Five
reasons your children are not listening to you.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Can I tell you number one? It's two words, yeah,
care factor. They don't care what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah. Yeah, you're a five.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Year old and you're playing with your lego. The last
thing you want to do is look up and listen
to mum because she wants you to go brush your
teeth because it's time for bed.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
And that's the critical thing. They're not listening because we're
asking them to do stuff. There's all of this correction
and direction. It's never fun to listen to Mum or
dad because they're telling me to do something that I
don't want to do. And just on that care factor,
I mean, this is a question of motivation, I guess.
But they don't have the same capacity, the same interest
in noticing things that we notice. So we walk into
(02:29):
the living room and we see two things on the
couch and three things on the floor, and we say, hm,
five things that need to be put away and then
this room will look beautiful. Kids walk into that living
room and they say lego.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Or they look pretty lonely. They need more stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Yeah, my goodness. So care factor is a huge one.
A couple of other things. I want to make this point.
They are listening. They just don't like what you're saying.
I've said this to so many parents, and every time
I do, parents' eyes go ah, yeah yeah, because what
are you saying? How much how much reason are you
giving them to want to listen, usually not much. Unpack
(03:07):
the dish washer, put your bag away, pick up your towel,
Come to the table, Set the table. Why haven't you
fed the dogs yet? Like that, that's our conversation.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We've had this conversation every morning for the last few
weeks about whose tone it is to feed the dog?
I know, And yesterday morning I devised a plan. Oh
did you I did. I'd ask two different children over
a duration of about ten minutes, to feed the dogs.
There was no water in their bowls. They're scratching at
the door. They want their food.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Please don't call the RSPCR. Folks, we do look after
our dogs. It's just that sometimes they have to wait
for their dinner.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And after I finally asked the second child, who just
walked past me and ignored me, I went, right, okay, Annie,
you've got Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Lily you've got Tuesday Thursday
to teas. We can't forget that. And Emily you've got
the weekend. I need a plan that works for me
because I need to know. It has to be easy
(04:01):
for me to remember, right, because if I get to
Wednesday and I'm like, whose turn is it? No? One's
going to admit it's their turn, Whereas now I've got
a definite plan and they all looked at me and
they went okay, and the dogs got fed.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So we have gone sideways a bit here, But let's
just emphasize if you want your children to be confident,
there has to be structure, and what you've done in
fifteen seconds or less is device the structure that everyone's
willing to comply with. And now we can satisfactorily keep
the dogs fed. See no reason to call the RSPCA.
We've got this, we've got this cup. But I think
there's a couple of things that we need to highlight here.
You've mentioned number one, in fact number one for you
(04:35):
that they don't care. That's part of a broader issue
for me, and that is that they don't have the
same capacity to care because they're so egocentric. Children between
the ages of I don't know, two and sixty two
tend to really care about themselves and not other people.
Well that's probably unfair two and twelve sixty two, Yeah, okay,
(05:00):
And so what's important to you in your world is
just not important to them in their world. When you
say we need to get into the car. I have
a meeting, and if I'm late for the meeting, that's
going to be bad. The kids because are like, no,
it's not it doesn't affect me at all. I'm fine,
it doesn't affect them. So there's the capacity to care
that is tied to motivation and this idea of ego centrism.
(05:23):
It's about me, my needs, my focus, my attention, and.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Not because they're selfish, not literally, because developmentally this is
where they are at.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah perspective, what you care about your issues are not
my issues, And that sounds really selfish. But when you're
when you don't have the developmental capacity to care about
somebody else's issues in a meaningful way, that's what you get.
That's why children are the way that they are once
they become teenagers. Another thing that happens is that other
(05:55):
voices simply become more interesting, parents' voices, being listened your
voice for more than a decade. Now I know it,
I've heard it. I'm used to it.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We just to draw like you just drag on.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, And I think we also have to acknowledge near adiversity,
low hearing children, the impact of screens. Sometimes the kids
are so focused on this screen. I think got their
headphones in or on or whatever, really hard to drab
their attention. So Number one, kids don't have the same
capacity to care, and we've talked about all of that.
(06:28):
Number two, Kylie, kids don't have the same attention or capacity.
In other words, when you and I are talking, when
two adults are involved in a conversation, we're able to
engage in a way that kids aren't able to engage in.
They just don't have the same stamina, the same focus,
the same ability to zero in and say, okay, I'm listening,
(06:50):
I've got you. What's Number three, We will still love them.
We will still love them like a teacher or a coach,
or a friend or a neighbor or whoever it might be.
If kids don't follow the structure and the expectation, then
they might feel like they've lost the relationship. Other relationships
are short term. There's no guarantee that this is going
(07:11):
to keep going. But kids know I don't have to
listen to my parents, and they're obligated to continue to
love me. They've got me. It's cool. I can get
away with this.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
But I also don't feel like they have the confidence
that they can push back on the teacher either. You know,
when you think about other adults, they've learned quickly. Societal
norms suggests in societal rules that we need to be
compliant in certain scenarios and situations.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, all the kids in the classroom are doing that
as well.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
That's right. So there's this positive peer pressure that comes
in those settings when there's large numbers of kids all together.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Number four is that silence and refusal mean different things
to us than what they mean to the kids. So
if your child refuses to put shoes on or refuse
us to get their school bag ready, as a parent,
because you're flustered and stressed and you need to get
out the door, and so did they, you might see
that as obstinates or refusal or some other frustrating thing.
(08:09):
And guess what. For them, it might be that something
else matters more. Or it might be that they're scared
of going to school today because they know that that
presentation's due and they're not ready for it, or they
know that the teacher is not going to be there
and they're going to have a sub because they got
warning ahead of time, and they don't do well with
sub teachers. Those kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I know with my teenagers when we sometimes having heated
conversations about why they haven't responded to me positively in
that moment, the acknowledgment is that I haven't recognized and
seen that they were in the middle of something, so
like I was just finishing what I was doing and
then I was going to get onto x y zed.
(08:47):
So again, perspective from our end is just as important
as perspective from their end.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Which kind of leads nicely into the fifth and final one,
and that is that quite often we talk to our
children and expect them to listen, but we do not
have their attention, so we're expecting that when we open
our mouths, everybody is going to focus on us. We
feel like we're the center of the universe instead of them.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
We think about how many conversations you have with your
kids and you call out from the other room right
you're not even in the same space, You're not making
eye contact, and you're expecting immediate compliance.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
After the break. Five things to do to help your
kids to want to listen to you.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
So we've talked about five reasons why the kids won't
listen to us, but everyone what's a good solution. You
said before the break that you've got five reasons to
help our kids listen to us. I'd love to hear them, and.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
They're all really easy. We can get through them super fast.
Number One, make sure you have their attention before you
talk to them.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
This is really important for young kids, especially.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
How obvious is this and how often do we not
do it? Yeah, just when you've got eye contact, when
there's some touch, when there's some genuine engagement, when you've
walked to them and said hey kiddo, and then you
see them look at you and say yeah mum or yeah,
that that's when you start talking.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
You know. Touch you said touch, and it just like
visually the amount of times where I've tried to call
from the other room haven't got any response, And then
I've walked in on our ten year old who's got
her nose in a book and I've literally just touched
her on the shoulder, I touched her on the hand,
and instant she's looked up at me.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yeah, it's instant. Just Number one, have their attention before
you start talking.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
What's number two.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Number two is be involved, be involved. So quite often
we say go do this, Go do that there's a
lot of correction, a lot of direction, and not a
lot of connection.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I was thinking about this in relation to the classroom.
Teachers Obviously will will often have to do things and
not be literally with your child or with the class
as a whole, though they might race over to their
desk while they asked the kids to do something. But
more times than not, in a classroom situation, the teacher
say to the kids, all right, I want you two
straight lines here, find a partner and stand in line.
(11:05):
But they're standing in that line at the front of
the line, and they're making eye contact with those kids
as they're kind of you know, moving around the room.
They're right there with them. But at home, I know,
in my case, I'm like, okay, will you do this,
and I'll do the fifteen other things I've got to
do before we get out the door. And so as
soon as I walk out the door, they've forgot on
what I've said because they're engross and whatever they're doing.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
That's why I love all in that nighttime routine that
we usually have, although lately it's been a bit shoddy,
where the whole family comes into the kitchen and we
clean up the meal together. It's involved time we can talk.
Everybody's listening, paying attention. No one complains during that period
that no one's listening to me. Because you're involved and
you're doing it together, I know, it feels like it's
(11:46):
going to take longer. The great paradox is that it
usually does not take as long because everybody's doing it together.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Or it does take longer, it it's because you're actually
enjoying yourself and having fun. You don't want it to end.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
That's right, And relationships are not built on efficiency. It's
not the purpose of relationships. Number three. Just be patient,
like wait, call out to your child, maybe even invite
them to do something, and then wait. Because when I
ask parents how long they usually wait between request number
one and then the follow up, I just asked you
(12:17):
to do something, The answer by most parents is like
four seconds. Hey, put your shoes on.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
You haven't moved yet.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I said, put your shoes on.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
It like, give them a minute, just wait, just be
a little bit patient.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I think that it will it will help.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Number four.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
This one is my favorite one because a lot of
parents say, oh, all this soft parenting where you get
down at their level and you look them in the
eyes and hold their sweet little hands and whisper sweet
nothings to them as you try to gently coax them
into doing what you want. No no, no, no, no accountability, accountability.
So I don't know how often you've seen me do this,
but I'll ask the kids to do something, and then
(12:56):
I will stand in front of them and just wait
until they move there but and get on with it.
And sometimes I'll stand there for twenty seconds and I'll
look up and they're like what, And I'll say, I
asked you to do something? What was it? And I'm
like oh, And They've got of the voices and all
the eye rolls. But I just stand there until they
get on with it, and I'll off it. Would you
like me to be involved with you while you do it?
(13:19):
We can do it together if you like. I just
I need you to do this. It's time and sometimes
it has to be done instantly. Other times I'll be like,
just get this done before the end of the week, right,
like the lawns need to be mode. I want it
done by the weekend.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
As a tangent to this, I think are really a
wonderful principle that we've used in our home as gentle reminders.
We use a lot of words as parents, and when
we make a request and it's not done instantly. One
of the things that we have often used in our
home is just gone up to the kids and gone, hey, kiddo,
the lawns. We don't have to give them the long lecture.
(13:54):
It's a gentle reminder, but they know.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
They still go, oh, but we're not nagging, right And
number five the last one, and I think this one's
probably the most important One've all be the kind of
person that they want to pay attention to.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
You talk about the idea of soft parenting, and you know,
do I have to hold my kid's hand? But yeah,
I want to hold my kid's hand like they're my people,
and I want them to know that I'm their person.
And the softer I can be with them, the better
of my relationship is with them, and therefore I will
be the person they want to listen to.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I only going to use the word soft, and I
agree with you, but I would change the word or
maybe add another word, and that would be fun. Like
just recently, I was doing a seminar and somebody asked
a question about how do I how do I really
connect with my children better. And I gave all these long,
really good science the answers and all the I really
nailed the answer, and then I paused. Just as I
(14:46):
was finishing, I was like, you know what, all that's
really important, but if you really want to connect with
your kids, just make it fun. Be a fun person.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I just had a visual a flash mob. Ask the
kids to do something and break into songs. Yeah, just
make it fun, flashing lights. If they're not listening to you,
it's because you're probably not fun. I know that's a
bit of a sort of a bit of a slam,
but as parents, we can pretty much all acknowledge that
most of the time we are not fun, and if
we could be more fun, our kids would be really
happy to listen to us. One of my good mates
(15:16):
spend a lot of time riding bikes with this friend
of mine, Chris, and he is what I would call
just a brilliantly fun dad.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Chris. Every Friday, he's got this tradition. He takes the
kids down of the cafe and buys them breakfast. Spends
far too much money on breakfast, hates spending the money,
but just knows that the value of having that Friday
morning tradition with the kids. It's fun. He takes them
go karting that they're into that. He makes his own
he builds his own go karts. I mean, this guy
is just clearly not me. But he makes time together
(15:48):
fun and that's what you need to do. That's how
you build a relationship, right, you have fun together.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
As parents, we're pretty highly strung most of the time.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Most of the time.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
I remember a story about your friend Dave. You were
in the pool one day. Kids had these water soakas and.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
We weren't in the pool. We got for a ride
on a stinking hot day. It was like forty two
degrees and we were thinking about getting in the pool,
but the water was so cold, and.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
The kids were in there, weren't they they were they
were playing.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
It was like it was so cold, so cold, And
I've did my toe in the water and I'm like, nuh,
not getting in there. And as I've turned around to
say to Dave, I don't think I'm having a swim,
I felt this icy pain in the smaller of my
back because the kids have hit me with a super
socer and I've turned around to get cranky at this
child to say, what are you doing? But I remember
I'm a parenting expert and I've got Dave the Bachelor,
(16:40):
forty two years old, no kids standing beside me, and
I'm like, oh, I've got to be really nice about this.
And before I could figure out what to say, they
hit him with the super socer right at the chest,
right in the chest, and you.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Know what he did.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
He went ah, He grabbed his chest and then he
fell into the pool in spite of the fact that
it was so cold, and the kids swam over and
they jumped on his shoulders and they started to clamber
all over him, and I thought, hmmm, yeah, the pairing
experts being miserable on the side of the pool while
the guy with no kids is in there showing him
how to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
We've got to have more fun.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin rule On.
We really hope that the ideas we've given you today
will help you to get the kids to listen better
and want to listen to you. Thanks so much for listening.
We love sharing these things with you. If you'd like
more about how to make you family happier, the best
stuff is in our Happy Families membership. You can find
it online at happyfamilies dot com dot au. Check it
(17:29):
out
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