June 9, 2025 • 13 mins
What do you do when your anxiety has become their anxiety?
In this listener Q&A, Justin and Kylie respond to Amy from Melbourne—a self-diagnosed helicopter parent whose 9-year-old daughter now struggles with fear and risk aversion. With compassion and practical insight, they break down the difference between risky and dangerous play, explore the impact of parental anxiety, and offer real-world strategies to build your child’s confidence—without ignoring safety.
KEY POINTS
- Risk ≠ Danger:
Risky play involves challenge with decision-making and agency. Dangerous or hazardous play involves hidden threats kids can’t yet assess. - Why Risky Play Matters:
It improves mental health, builds confidence, reduces anxiety, enhances learning, and strengthens decision-making. - Parental Anxiety is Contagious:
When parents over-control, children miss the chance to develop autonomy and trust in their own judgement. - Structure Builds Competence:
Autonomy-supportive parenting isn’t “hands off”—it means offering guidance, boundaries, and support while allowing your child to step up gradually. - Small Steps Lead to Big Growth:
You don’t have to throw your child in the deep end. Micro-risks—like ordering lunch, paying for milk, or exploring a store aisle alone—build trust and resilience.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“The goal is to keep children as safe as necessary—not as safe as possible.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- The Parenting Revolution by Dr Justin Coulson
- happyfamilies.com.au – More resources for autonomy-supportive parenting
- Submit your question: happyfamilies.com.au/podcast
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Start With a Conversation
Gently acknowledge your own anxiety and let your child know you’re learning to trust her more. - Introduce Low-Stakes Risks:
- Let her pay for something at the shops
- Send her to order lunch while you wait nearby
- Assign a small independent task at home
- Teach, Then Step Back
Give your child the structure to succeed—rules, expectations, safety cues—then give them space to apply it. - Increase Freedom Gradually
As both your and your child’s confidence grows, slowly expand what she’s allowed to do without your help. - Keep Safety Contextual
Not every environment is safe for independence. Know your context, but look for creative alternatives to build autonomy.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Today how to overcome helicopter parenting? What do you do
when you are hovering or when your child becomes anxious
because previously you have been a hoverer. That's what we're
talking about today on the Happy Families podcast. Welcome real
parenting solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
we are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on
(00:26):
the podcast we answer your tricky questions. You can send
them to us via Happy families dot com. Do you
just go to the podcast page, scroll down to where
it says talk to us and leave us your message,
just like Amy has done in Melbourne.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm a self diagnosed helicopter parent.
I want to be more autonomy supportive and I'm getting better.
But now I have a nine year old helicopter daughter.
We don't live in the neighborhood where I can just
let them outside. We're off a main road and they're
known predators approaching kids around us. How do I undo
this anxiety I've passed on and get my order doing
(01:00):
riskier activities, but also keep her safe. Thanks and advance.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I just saw your eyes light up. I'm guessing you
want to geek out on some academics, don't you, oh.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
A little bit? I mean my eyes light up because
I think tricky questions are great. But aside from academics,
there was one thought that popped into my head that
I think is really critical.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Here.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We talk all the time about the importance of risky play.
The research evidence is clear that it's good for kids.
It helps them to overcome anxiety, which it sounds like
Amy might be starting to deal with a nine year old.
The central thing that I want to emphasize is that
context is everything. So we say take risks, we say
encourage the kids to do things that are risky, but
context is everything. If you live on a main road
(01:39):
or there are known predators who approach children near where
you are, then finding alternative ways for your children to
take risks other than writing a blake down of the
park probably matter a lot. And the age of your
child matters a lot as well.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yes, so that all makes sense. But if I am
a particularly anxious parent, how do I distinguish between what's
risky and what has Because I guess in my mind,
if I'm that person, everything feels hazardous as opposed to.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Risky, right and hazard slash danger and risk. They feel
like the same word, especially if you're a parent who's
a little bit anxious and really worried, and you're in
an area where you know that there are lots and
lots of dangers and hazards. How do they differ from risk?
So when we look very carefully, and this is my
geeky bit, I'm so sorry, but this is really important,
it's really relevant. I can see how excited you are
(02:26):
about I'm so sorry. The academic literature consistently distinguishes between
risk and hazard or danger, and it happens like this.
A risk is a situation where a child can recognize
and evaluate the level of risk. The child has the
developmental capability of saying, hmm, that's a big busy road,
(02:49):
or hm, there are a lot of people around here
that I don't like the look of. And I'm only nine.
I think I'm safe for being with my parents, So
that is risk. It's when the child can decide that
they have a sense of agency around this. I'm going
to decide whether I will try to climb over the
rocks and get to the bridge on the other side.
I'm going to decide whether I'm going to run the
(03:09):
gauntlet and do this thing at school or whether I'm not. Okay,
that's the critical thing here.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Well, if you just take it a step back and
we look at the crossing the road thing, Yeah, it's
hazardous for a five year old to attempt to cross
a busy road on their own.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Yeah, maybe even a six or seven year old depending
on the size of the road and all that stuff.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
But we could consider it possibly a risky activity for
a nine year old who has a much better perception
of the dangers with cars and distance and all of
those things.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Great, So hazard's basically a source of harm where the
child is looking and it's not obvious they don't realize
how quite unquite dangerous is. Go to the beach is
a perfect example of this as well. Right, So if
you go to the beach and your child doesn't understand
how the ocean works, it is dangerous because there are
ribs and sweeps and currents. But if your child has
been going to nippers for years and they understand what
(04:04):
a rip looks like, and they understand how big the
shor he is, and they know where the waves are
and where the flags are and they know those things,
then they get to assess the degree to which they
feel comfortable taking a risk of going for a swim
in a particular place. It just comes down to knowledge
and the ability to identify what's going on. I guess
the other critical thing that I would highlight and I
already touched on this is just the importance of child agency.
(04:27):
So the child has to be able to make their
own decision about whether or not they'll participate. And we've
got so much research from so many countries now that
shows that risky play increases physical activity, decreases sedentary behavior,
improves learning, improves mental and physical health. It's good socially,
it's good for bringing anxiety down. Like, there's not a
(04:48):
single metric really that risky play doesn't bring benefits for
But it's risky play, not dangerous play.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
So I am particularly anxious parent, and I am recognizing that,
I guess my anxiety is actually limiting my child's progress
and development. How do I get past that, because that's
the biggest challenge. It's actually not my child.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
It's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. And you are
aware of the risks, and you're just not satisfied that
your child can either A navigate them or B you're
terrified that something will happen. Remember last Thursday we talked
about trust, trusting in a child's organismic development, their desire
to learn and grow. Actually, I've just realized you looking
at me blankly, because that's the one I did because
(05:40):
you weren't available. Did you listen to that one that
you weren't in?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I don't think that was the.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
One with Renee Landry from McGill University talking about how
we need to trust in children's organismic development and the
more that we trust that they have a desire to
grow and learn and master and develop, the more likely
it is that they'll figure things out and thrive. You
don't remember that one.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I can't remember if I can listen to it, you're
going a hard time.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
All right, So on public after the break, I'm going
to outline how to answer your question, and then I
know that you're championing a bit because this is your specialty.
You're actually really good at coming up with the practical
ideas for how to do this. So that's what we're
do in just a second. All right, Kylie, You've said,
(06:23):
how do we get over our own stuff. How do
we get over our own anxiety about letting the children
do things that are risky because we're nervous about what
might happen, or we just don't trust that they're going
to be able to figure it out on their own.
The first response that I'm going to give is just
not very helpful, but it's really important to say, you've
actually got to trust that the kids's going to navigate this,
Like the children will learn how to not go too
(06:44):
close to the edge, not climb the tree too high,
and not go swimming where the water's too deep, not
climb up or down that rock face if we give
them the opportunities from a young age to start to
navigate risk. Okay, So the second thing that I'm going
to say is this when we talk about need support
or autonomy support as Amy has called it. First of all,
you can buy my book The Pairing Revolution. It will
(07:04):
step you through everything here and it's one of those
boos where you want to read it, study it, listen
to it on audio like, go through it a couple
of times. But critically important is this idea of structure.
Structure helps people to become competent. So structure means understanding
the rules, the guidelines, the frameworks, the systems, the formula,
the boundaries. So if we can be really effective at
(07:25):
helping our children to understand the structure that's necessary to
be competent, that means that when they're in a situation
where they need to address and assess risk, they're going
to do it far better. I think the perfect example
is the one that I shared a minute ago with
the kids doing nippers at the local Surf Life Saving Club.
You don't just go and let your kids go for
a swim in the ocean. That's dangerous. That's hazardous. But
(07:48):
if you can spend time helping them to understand the structure,
the rules, the way that oceans work, remembering, of course
that oceans can be unpredictable. But the more you know
the pattern, the more you know how it works, the
safety you're going to be. So I'd be saying, spend
some time with your child helping them to understand why
these are the rules and how the rules work so
that they can navigate the road safely or the park safely.
(08:11):
For what it's worth, I don't think Amy should be
letting her nine year old go to the park on
her own based on the things that she's told us
about the area that they're living in. But there are
other things that you can do, and that's where I'm
going to turn it to you, because this is your specialty,
this is the thing that you talk about so well.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
I think one of the first things that I would
actually encourage Amy to do is to actually sit down
with her daughter and be a bit vulnerable, explain how
she's feeling as a parent, and how in feeling that way,
there are things that she's done as a parent that
she recognizes as actually rubbed off on her daughter, have
stopped her from being able to be a little bit
(08:46):
spontaneous and take risks on her own because mum's been scared.
I think that's a really important part of the process.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
It is, Yeah, although you've got to make sure that
you don't terrify your child as you explain what you're
nervous and anxious about. That can for some kids make
them increasingly anxious.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
I don't think it's necessarily about explaining what she's nervous about.
I think it's just acknowledging that as a mum, she
loves her child so much and wants desperately to keep
her safe. But because she's allowed her anxiety to rule
the decisions that she makes, it has stopped her from
having experiences that she could have otherwise had much more
helpful but practical ideas based on what we know about
(09:25):
Amy and where they're living. Like you said, it's not
going to be as easy as just letting her to
go down to the park and meet a friend, or
maybe even just walk to the corner store. But there
are things that she can do. So I thought of
what would it look like if Mum drives down to
the shops and instead of her getting out and grabbing
the milk, she actually sends her child in to go
and pick up some milk and then pay for it
at the checkout. How does that make her feel? Maybe
(09:49):
if that's too much. Maybe they're going and doing the
grocery shopping, and Mum has her own shopping list and
so does her daughter, and so they're kind of in
the same space together, but they're shopping separate.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Brilliant love it.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Maybe they're going to buy a birthday present for one
of her daughter's friends, and they go to a department
store like Big w or Targets or somewhere like that,
and the daughter gets to go off to the toy
section and pick her own present for her friend while
mum's in the clothing or home where's section. Daughter knows
where she is, she can find her way back, but
(10:24):
she's doing it on her own. Maybe she just goes
and pays for things at the counter one mum walks
out of the store and waits for it the outside
the door. Maybe she gets to go order her own
lunch while mum's sitting at the table waiting for her
daughter to come back.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
And all those feel appropriate for a nine year old.
If you're not comfortable with that, what's the smallest part
that you're comfortable with? And allow her to do that?
And as your confidence grows and hers grows, it gets
better and better. And if there's friends who can join her,
that increases your sense of security and safety because two
(11:01):
kids are going to be safer than one.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
And if all of that feels really way too big
right now, based on where Amy and her daughter are at,
maybe it's looking at things that she can do on
her own at home. We don't know how anxious her
child has become, so it might be that she actually
doesn't like being in a different room and so working
towards giving her opportunities to do tasks in a different
(11:27):
room to mum could be helpful. Maybe she takes more
responsibility in the kitchen. Maybe she gets to make her
own breakfast or make breakfast for the family. Maybe she
learns how to make a meal and once a week
she does that. There are so many different ways that
you can engage and give a nine year old responsibility
without putting her into a hazardous situation.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
All right, let's wrap this up a couple of things
that are definitely worth highlighting. The likelihood of a child
in Australia being kidnapped is infinitesimally small. Yeah, but the
stats don't matter if that happens to you, So we're
not going to get caught up on that. Probably similar
odd swinting the lottery. It's probably even less likely. And
usually when it does happen, it's somebody who's known to
the family. It's usually a separation situation and that kind
(12:11):
of thing. But if we want our kids to be safe,
or at least to be able to make decisions about
what level of risk they want to take, they need
to be put in situations where they can take risks
the data shows from an evolutionary perspective, children's just risky
play is going to serve as a what's the world
(12:32):
I'm looking for, Kylie. Like an anti anti you're less
likely to have phobia antiphobic mechanism where the kids because
they're playing, because they're taking those risks, they experience a
reduction and anxiety of the situations that used to be
dangerous when the child was younger. But now they're old
enough to assess it, they're not so concerned. And the
academic consensus is really clear. The distinction isn't between risky
(12:53):
and dangerous play, but between beneficial risks that children can
assess and manage, versus and hazards that are hidden and
therefore beyond their developmental capacity to recognize. So the goal
is keeping children as safe as necessary, rather than as
safe as possible. Amy we really hope that that's useful
(13:14):
info as you navigate the reformed helicopter behaviors that are
such a struggle. Thanks so much for being in touch.
If you've got a tricky question for us about family
or relationships or the kids, or wellbeing or screens or
discipline or any of those things, submit those tricky questions
via our super simple system at happy families dot com
dot you. Just groll down to podcasts, click the record
(13:35):
button and start talking, or you can send us a
voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot you.
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from
Bridge Media. More information and more resources to make your
family happier is available at happy families dot com dot
you
Today how to overcome helicopter parenting? What do you do
when you are hovering or when your child becomes anxious
because previously you have been a hoverer. That's what we're
talking about today on the Happy Families podcast. Welcome real
parenting solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
we are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on
(00:26):
the podcast we answer your tricky questions. You can send
them to us via Happy families dot com. Do you
just go to the podcast page, scroll down to where
it says talk to us and leave us your message,
just like Amy has done in Melbourne.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm a self diagnosed helicopter parent.
I want to be more autonomy supportive and I'm getting better.
But now I have a nine year old helicopter daughter.
We don't live in the neighborhood where I can just
let them outside. We're off a main road and they're
known predators approaching kids around us. How do I undo
this anxiety I've passed on and get my order doing
(01:00):
riskier activities, but also keep her safe. Thanks and advance.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I just saw your eyes light up. I'm guessing you
want to geek out on some academics, don't you, oh.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
A little bit? I mean my eyes light up because
I think tricky questions are great. But aside from academics,
there was one thought that popped into my head that
I think is really critical.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Here.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We talk all the time about the importance of risky play.
The research evidence is clear that it's good for kids.
It helps them to overcome anxiety, which it sounds like
Amy might be starting to deal with a nine year old.
The central thing that I want to emphasize is that
context is everything. So we say take risks, we say
encourage the kids to do things that are risky, but
context is everything. If you live on a main road
(01:39):
or there are known predators who approach children near where
you are, then finding alternative ways for your children to
take risks other than writing a blake down of the
park probably matter a lot. And the age of your
child matters a lot as well.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yes, so that all makes sense. But if I am
a particularly anxious parent, how do I distinguish between what's
risky and what has Because I guess in my mind,
if I'm that person, everything feels hazardous as opposed to.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Risky, right and hazard slash danger and risk. They feel
like the same word, especially if you're a parent who's
a little bit anxious and really worried, and you're in
an area where you know that there are lots and
lots of dangers and hazards. How do they differ from risk?
So when we look very carefully, and this is my
geeky bit, I'm so sorry, but this is really important,
it's really relevant. I can see how excited you are
(02:26):
about I'm so sorry. The academic literature consistently distinguishes between
risk and hazard or danger, and it happens like this.
A risk is a situation where a child can recognize
and evaluate the level of risk. The child has the
developmental capability of saying, hmm, that's a big busy road,
(02:49):
or hm, there are a lot of people around here
that I don't like the look of. And I'm only nine.
I think I'm safe for being with my parents, So
that is risk. It's when the child can decide that
they have a sense of agency around this. I'm going
to decide whether I will try to climb over the
rocks and get to the bridge on the other side.
I'm going to decide whether I'm going to run the
(03:09):
gauntlet and do this thing at school or whether I'm not. Okay,
that's the critical thing here.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Well, if you just take it a step back and
we look at the crossing the road thing, Yeah, it's
hazardous for a five year old to attempt to cross
a busy road on their own.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Yeah, maybe even a six or seven year old depending
on the size of the road and all that stuff.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
But we could consider it possibly a risky activity for
a nine year old who has a much better perception
of the dangers with cars and distance and all of
those things.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Great, So hazard's basically a source of harm where the
child is looking and it's not obvious they don't realize
how quite unquite dangerous is. Go to the beach is
a perfect example of this as well. Right, So if
you go to the beach and your child doesn't understand
how the ocean works, it is dangerous because there are
ribs and sweeps and currents. But if your child has
been going to nippers for years and they understand what
(04:04):
a rip looks like, and they understand how big the
shor he is, and they know where the waves are
and where the flags are and they know those things,
then they get to assess the degree to which they
feel comfortable taking a risk of going for a swim
in a particular place. It just comes down to knowledge
and the ability to identify what's going on. I guess
the other critical thing that I would highlight and I
already touched on this is just the importance of child agency.
(04:27):
So the child has to be able to make their
own decision about whether or not they'll participate. And we've
got so much research from so many countries now that
shows that risky play increases physical activity, decreases sedentary behavior,
improves learning, improves mental and physical health. It's good socially,
it's good for bringing anxiety down. Like, there's not a
(04:48):
single metric really that risky play doesn't bring benefits for
But it's risky play, not dangerous play.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
So I am particularly anxious parent, and I am recognizing that,
I guess my anxiety is actually limiting my child's progress
and development. How do I get past that, because that's
the biggest challenge. It's actually not my child.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
It's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. And you are
aware of the risks, and you're just not satisfied that
your child can either A navigate them or B you're
terrified that something will happen. Remember last Thursday we talked
about trust, trusting in a child's organismic development, their desire
to learn and grow. Actually, I've just realized you looking
at me blankly, because that's the one I did because
(05:40):
you weren't available. Did you listen to that one that
you weren't in?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I don't think that was the.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
One with Renee Landry from McGill University talking about how
we need to trust in children's organismic development and the
more that we trust that they have a desire to
grow and learn and master and develop, the more likely
it is that they'll figure things out and thrive. You
don't remember that one.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I can't remember if I can listen to it, you're
going a hard time.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
All right, So on public after the break, I'm going
to outline how to answer your question, and then I
know that you're championing a bit because this is your specialty.
You're actually really good at coming up with the practical
ideas for how to do this. So that's what we're
do in just a second. All right, Kylie, You've said,
(06:23):
how do we get over our own stuff. How do
we get over our own anxiety about letting the children
do things that are risky because we're nervous about what
might happen, or we just don't trust that they're going
to be able to figure it out on their own.
The first response that I'm going to give is just
not very helpful, but it's really important to say, you've
actually got to trust that the kids's going to navigate this,
Like the children will learn how to not go too
(06:44):
close to the edge, not climb the tree too high,
and not go swimming where the water's too deep, not
climb up or down that rock face if we give
them the opportunities from a young age to start to
navigate risk. Okay, So the second thing that I'm going
to say is this when we talk about need support
or autonomy support as Amy has called it. First of all,
you can buy my book The Pairing Revolution. It will
(07:04):
step you through everything here and it's one of those
boos where you want to read it, study it, listen
to it on audio like, go through it a couple
of times. But critically important is this idea of structure.
Structure helps people to become competent. So structure means understanding
the rules, the guidelines, the frameworks, the systems, the formula,
the boundaries. So if we can be really effective at
(07:25):
helping our children to understand the structure that's necessary to
be competent, that means that when they're in a situation
where they need to address and assess risk, they're going
to do it far better. I think the perfect example
is the one that I shared a minute ago with
the kids doing nippers at the local Surf Life Saving Club.
You don't just go and let your kids go for
a swim in the ocean. That's dangerous. That's hazardous. But
(07:48):
if you can spend time helping them to understand the structure,
the rules, the way that oceans work, remembering, of course
that oceans can be unpredictable. But the more you know
the pattern, the more you know how it works, the
safety you're going to be. So I'd be saying, spend
some time with your child helping them to understand why
these are the rules and how the rules work so
that they can navigate the road safely or the park safely.
(08:11):
For what it's worth, I don't think Amy should be
letting her nine year old go to the park on
her own based on the things that she's told us
about the area that they're living in. But there are
other things that you can do, and that's where I'm
going to turn it to you, because this is your specialty,
this is the thing that you talk about so well.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
I think one of the first things that I would
actually encourage Amy to do is to actually sit down
with her daughter and be a bit vulnerable, explain how
she's feeling as a parent, and how in feeling that way,
there are things that she's done as a parent that
she recognizes as actually rubbed off on her daughter, have
stopped her from being able to be a little bit
(08:46):
spontaneous and take risks on her own because mum's been scared.
I think that's a really important part of the process.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
It is, Yeah, although you've got to make sure that
you don't terrify your child as you explain what you're
nervous and anxious about. That can for some kids make
them increasingly anxious.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
I don't think it's necessarily about explaining what she's nervous about.
I think it's just acknowledging that as a mum, she
loves her child so much and wants desperately to keep
her safe. But because she's allowed her anxiety to rule
the decisions that she makes, it has stopped her from
having experiences that she could have otherwise had much more
helpful but practical ideas based on what we know about
(09:25):
Amy and where they're living. Like you said, it's not
going to be as easy as just letting her to
go down to the park and meet a friend, or
maybe even just walk to the corner store. But there
are things that she can do. So I thought of
what would it look like if Mum drives down to
the shops and instead of her getting out and grabbing
the milk, she actually sends her child in to go
and pick up some milk and then pay for it
at the checkout. How does that make her feel? Maybe
(09:49):
if that's too much. Maybe they're going and doing the
grocery shopping, and Mum has her own shopping list and
so does her daughter, and so they're kind of in
the same space together, but they're shopping separate.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Brilliant love it.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Maybe they're going to buy a birthday present for one
of her daughter's friends, and they go to a department
store like Big w or Targets or somewhere like that,
and the daughter gets to go off to the toy
section and pick her own present for her friend while
mum's in the clothing or home where's section. Daughter knows
where she is, she can find her way back, but
(10:24):
she's doing it on her own. Maybe she just goes
and pays for things at the counter one mum walks
out of the store and waits for it the outside
the door. Maybe she gets to go order her own
lunch while mum's sitting at the table waiting for her
daughter to come back.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
And all those feel appropriate for a nine year old.
If you're not comfortable with that, what's the smallest part
that you're comfortable with? And allow her to do that?
And as your confidence grows and hers grows, it gets
better and better. And if there's friends who can join her,
that increases your sense of security and safety because two
(11:01):
kids are going to be safer than one.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
And if all of that feels really way too big
right now, based on where Amy and her daughter are at,
maybe it's looking at things that she can do on
her own at home. We don't know how anxious her
child has become, so it might be that she actually
doesn't like being in a different room and so working
towards giving her opportunities to do tasks in a different
(11:27):
room to mum could be helpful. Maybe she takes more
responsibility in the kitchen. Maybe she gets to make her
own breakfast or make breakfast for the family. Maybe she
learns how to make a meal and once a week
she does that. There are so many different ways that
you can engage and give a nine year old responsibility
without putting her into a hazardous situation.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
All right, let's wrap this up a couple of things
that are definitely worth highlighting. The likelihood of a child
in Australia being kidnapped is infinitesimally small. Yeah, but the
stats don't matter if that happens to you, So we're
not going to get caught up on that. Probably similar
odd swinting the lottery. It's probably even less likely. And
usually when it does happen, it's somebody who's known to
the family. It's usually a separation situation and that kind
(12:11):
of thing. But if we want our kids to be safe,
or at least to be able to make decisions about
what level of risk they want to take, they need
to be put in situations where they can take risks
the data shows from an evolutionary perspective, children's just risky
play is going to serve as a what's the world
(12:32):
I'm looking for, Kylie. Like an anti anti you're less
likely to have phobia antiphobic mechanism where the kids because
they're playing, because they're taking those risks, they experience a
reduction and anxiety of the situations that used to be
dangerous when the child was younger. But now they're old
enough to assess it, they're not so concerned. And the
academic consensus is really clear. The distinction isn't between risky
(12:53):
and dangerous play, but between beneficial risks that children can
assess and manage, versus and hazards that are hidden and
therefore beyond their developmental capacity to recognize. So the goal
is keeping children as safe as necessary, rather than as
safe as possible. Amy we really hope that that's useful
(13:14):
info as you navigate the reformed helicopter behaviors that are
such a struggle. Thanks so much for being in touch.
If you've got a tricky question for us about family
or relationships or the kids, or wellbeing or screens or
discipline or any of those things, submit those tricky questions
via our super simple system at happy families dot com
dot you. Just groll down to podcasts, click the record
(13:35):
button and start talking, or you can send us a
voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot you.
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from
Bridge Media. More information and more resources to make your
family happier is available at happy families dot com dot
you
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