June 12, 2025 • 17 mins
I'll Do Better Tomorrow: The Power of Teaching Kids About Emotions
Kids don’t magically learn emotional regulation—they need to be taught.
In this special Friday episode of I’ll Do Better Tomorrow, Justin and Kylie reflect on a big week: a powerful email from the past, and a meaningful family conversation about emotions. They share how their weekly “teaching tradition” helps their kids understand, express, and manage big feelings—with practical ideas any parent can try at home.
KEY POINTS
- Weekly family tradition:
The Coulsons have moved from monthly “tricky topic” chats to weekly conversations—because consistency matters more than perfection. - Understanding emotions visually:
Emotions were mapped across two axes—energy (high/low) and pleasantness (pleasant/unpleasant)—to help kids name and normalise feelings. - Teaching emotional regulation:
Emotions aren’t who we are; they’re what we feel. Kids were taught to “move through” emotions rather than get stuck in them. - Adaptive vs maladaptive coping:
Adaptive strategies included movement, music, cold water, connection, and even cleaning. Maladaptive strategies included isolation, outbursts, or ruminating alone. - Explicit teaching works:
Kids responded well to a clear, hands-on conversation. And yes—one child acted it all out in real time.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Emotions are not who we are—they're something we move through.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- The Parenting Revolution – Book by Dr Justin Coulson
- happyfamilies.com.au – resources for family connection
- Consent education: Consent Can't Wait campaign
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Start a Weekly Chat Tradition
Choose a consistent time (e.g. Sunday evenings) to talk about a value, life skill, or tricky topic as a family. - Teach Emotions in Two Dimensions
Use energy (high/low) and pleasantness (pleasant/unpleasant) to help kids map their feelings more clearly. - Help Kids Reframe Their Language
Instead of “I am angry,” encourage “I have anger.” It promotes healthier emotional distance. - Create an Adaptive Coping List Together
Brainstorm ways to manage big feelings that work for your family: music, exercise, pets, hugs, laughter. - Be Consistent, Not Perfect It’s not about grand lessons—it’s about regular, intentional connection that grows with your children.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
In two thousand and two, I said goodbye to my
radio career. Usually when I tell this story, I describe
how I wanted to be a better parent and had
decided to go back to school to study psychology. But
there is a little more to the story and it
involved another at the time major Brisbane celebrity. All that
more in today's episode of the Happy Families podcast Real
(00:27):
Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most don't not
a parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Couson. Did
you like my teas? Kylie, are you intrigued?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I feel like you're about to share some dirt.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
No, no, nothing like that. However, back in, I should
just mention the content that I'm about to share may
not be suitable for young years, so just be mindful
for the next minute or so. Juicy story, good story,
but not necessarily for the little kids. They might have
some questions for you. So let's go back two thousand
and two. I'm working as a radio on houser at
b on I five, Brisbanes B one and my job
(01:02):
included some Saturday work. Every Saturday I showed up on
the radio and did our usual just did a shift
on air. I was asked one weekend to talk about
our breakfast co host Penny Cooper and talk about where
she was quote unquote having sex in the city. The
reason for that was because the Sex in the City
movie was premiering in Sydney and if people could work
(01:26):
out from the clues that we were dropping whereabouts Penny was. Now,
please bear in mind, she was neither anywhere at all.
It was all pre recorded. It was just theater of
the mind. And number two, she certainly wasn't being engaged
in any intimate relations at the time. But the whole
idea was workout where Penny Cooper is having sex in
the city, and you could win flights for you and
your best friend to go down to Sydney, attend the
(01:47):
premiere and meet the stars of the movie. I can't
remember who was coming out. It was like Sarah, Jessica
Parker or someone and that was the prize, right And
I went to management and I just said, I'm not
comfortable being on the radio on a Saturday morning while
mums are taking their kids to netball and dads are
taking their kids to hockey or soccer and talking about this.
I just don't think it's age appropriate content, and they
(02:11):
basically told me too bad, so sad. So as a
result of that, I ended up essentially no longer employed
at Big one I five, I left the Osterio network,
We went to court, went mediation, all sorts of challenges.
It was a pretty miserable experience all the way around,
and it affected us for many, many years because of
that decision. I was already struggling with radio anyway, but
(02:32):
that was the thing that sort of pushed me out
the door. And that's when I decided that I was
going to do the whole parenting thing, go back to
UNI study. I was struggling as a parent. I've made
a lot of mistakes. You had told me that I
needed to improve, and it all kind of happened at
the same time. But I got an email the other
day from that same Penny Cooper, and in that email,
she told me that she has left radio and she
(02:54):
now works in a completely different industry, doing a completely
different thing. She's also married, so she now has a
different surname. And she emailed me just to say that
she wanted to say thanks for standing up for her
back in the B and I. Five days she commented
that she knew that was challenging, but I stood up
for my principles. And then she also mentioned that they
were kind of horrible people and that I didn't deserve
(03:14):
the treatment that I got there, but that none of
us did. And then she told me that her life
is really good. But the reason I'm sharing it is
is this. I was just standing up for my principles,
and because I was young. I think she's been very
generous in her email, do you know what I mean?
Like I had never really thought of her perspective. I
(03:36):
was selfishly thinking about myself and about my values. But
do you think about it, Why was it not that
Jamie Dunn was having sex in the city, or the
in Skippon was having sex in the city. Why was
it Penny Cooper. It's just this ongoing sexualization of women,
always making them out to be the ones. I just
wish that I'd been a much better advocate for her.
(03:58):
I was way too young, I was way out of depth,
and I was definitely way too self focused. I don't
think I deserve the credit that she's given me, But
it was just a really delightful message to receive, and
I wanted to share that because when you take us
down on principle, When you take us down on principle,
when you know what you value, it's not just a
(04:18):
selfish thing. It really has effects that that ripple out significantly.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Thinking back to that experience, it was one of the
most challenging experiences that we'd had in our marriage to date,
but I would say across the board in our married
life it has been one of the most challenging experiences
we've had. But I would also say one of the
most defining moments of our lives as you really recognized
(04:50):
what was important to you and what you stood for,
and it didn't turn out well. Moment it didn't turn
out well. We literally literally turned our lives upside down.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Twenty three years down the track, we're glad for it,
but it took a long time. It took more than
ten or twelve years to get over that.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
It's not even that when I look back, I think
that it was good. It was pivotal in the lives
that we now live. And to receive an email twenty
three years later acknowledging the impact of that one moment
that in the moment turned our lives upside down, actually
(05:33):
had it had a profound impact on someone else were positive.
Just emphasizes the importance and the power of the one.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yeah. Let me extend it in a slightly different direction
as well. We try to protect our kids from anything
that could be too confronting, that anything, anything that could
upset them. And yet you work out who you are
when you are confronted. You work out who you are
when you put into a situation where you have to
make a moral choice. Who am I? What do I believe?
(06:06):
What are my values? What is my identity?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
And it's interesting when we look back at that experience,
we were making moral choices kind of on a weekly
basis because of the career choice that you've made.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah. Yeah, the media is not exactly the most safe
space morally.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah. And it was getting more and more tricky the
further up the ladder you went. And while it was challenging,
I think when I think of the experiences we've had,
it's one of the moments where I'm most proud of
who you are and who you were striving to be
(06:42):
in that moment.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. Thanks for
that anyway. That was just a quick little news bit
that's taken more than half the podcast, so for older
better tomorrow for those of you those who are new
to the pod. Every Friday, we talk about what worked
and what didn't during the week, and we try to
get our head around how we can be more intentional
as parents. After the break, we'll tell you our big
(07:03):
story for the week. Just gone. Okay, Kylie, I'll do
about it tomorrow. You wanted to share the same thing
that I wanted to share, so I'm just going to
outline it and then you can add the color and
flavor that you think matters. We make a really explicit
point of trying to teach our children principles and practices
(07:26):
things that will improve their lives. And over the last
several years, we've tried to on the first Sunday of
every month sit down with the kids and talk to
them about a tricky topic, talk to them about a
big issue, and we've been reasonably successful with it, although
we've been a bit hit and miss, and with my traveling,
it just makes it tricky to get it done all
the time. So here's what we've decided. Instead, we're going
(07:48):
to do it every week instead of once every four
or five weeks. We're going to establish the habit. And
the reason for that is if you want things to change,
you can't do them inconsistently. You have to do them regularly.
Is ideal, but obviously we can't do this every day.
Once a week's fine.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
One hundred percent is easier than ninety nine percent.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
That's one of my favorite sayings. I'm so glad to
hear that it's finally getting That's great. All right, So
here's the conversation that we had with our kids on Sunday.
I wanted to talk to them about emotions, and so
I began by describing what an emotion is and how
emotions exist on two dimensions. There's the energetic dimension and
the pleasantness dimension. So you can have high emotional lower emotion,
(08:28):
and you can have pleasant emotion or unpleasant emotion. And
then we walked through, so what does it look like?
What is an emotion that is highly pleasant and highly energetic?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
And the kid said, We're gonna have to get a
new describe next week because i can't even read your writing.
They said things like excited, joyful, passion, happy, hope, exhilaration, inspired, creative.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
We've got the point related. Okay, so this is high
pleasantness and high energy. And then we went to the
bottom right hand quad and I said, okay, what is
still highly pleasant but has low energy? And they said
they really.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Struggled with this, the idea that it was a pleasant
emotion but didn't have much energy to it. It took
them a while, but once they got there they did.
They said things like calm, peace or scentered. That was
really cool word. I love that, Yeah, gratitude, empowered, confident.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Okay. Then we went to the other side of the
y axis and I said, what about low energy emotions
that are unpleasant, which.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Probably shouldn't use white bull markers either, because somebody's rubbed
them out. I think it says weary, yep, sad. Right,
And there's two others there that I.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Can't read, okay, but you get the idea. And then,
of course, you know the one that they didn't have
any trouble with, highly energetic, highly unpleasant. They went crazy with.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Them instantly, anger, anxiety, stress, envy, irritation, jealousy, And so.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
We talked about why they knew those ones best and
how that felt, and just sort of laid around with
these ideas, what are our emotions and how do they
move us because the word emotion has the same root
as the word motivation, and both of them are related
to the idea of movement. We talked about how emotions
are something that you're supposed to move through rather than
(10:16):
park yourself inside of, and the idea that emotions are
like waves on the beach. They come up and they
go back out.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I like this idea of recognizing that an emotion is
something that we feel, it's not something that we are. Yeah,
and the distinction between that because so often the words
we use are I am angry, right, and so we
identify as being the emotion, as opposed to acknowledging we're
having an emotion and there's power and recognizing that it
(10:47):
isn't us. It's an emotion that we're experiencing in the moment,
and outside of a handful of very small, challenging emotions,
the emotions that we feel we only feel for a
really brief moment unless we choose to stay in that space.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
So I've learned a little bit of Spanish, and something
that I learned was that they don't say I'm hungry,
they say I have hunger. Tengo hungry, Okay, So t
is I have so I have this emotion, but I
am not this emotion, and I think that's really really important.
Just incidentally, as a quick aside, the other day, one
(11:24):
of our children was having an extremely big emotion. She
was not the emotion, but she certainly was having it.
And I reminded her of the waves coming in and
going out, and I said, but sometimes it doesn't feel
like a wave is coming in and out. Sometimes it
feels like the whole ocean has come in. It feels
like the tide has come in and it's still coming
because it's not always just five or ten or fifteen seconds,
it's a whole lot more. So, we talked about emotions
(11:48):
and how they work, how they come in, how they
go out, and then essentially we stepped across to this
idea of emotion regulation. I said, there are three things
that you need to remember. Number one, emotion regulation is
the ability to turn your emotions up or down. Number two,
it's got to be appropriate for the context. And number three,
it's got to be in harmony with your long term goals.
(12:10):
So long term goals might be having good family relationships,
or long term goals could be maintaining a good friendship
or doing well at school or keeping your job or
whatever it is, depending on the agent of being healthy. Yeah, absolutely,
So Can I turn my emotions down so that I
can maintain good family relationships because I know that having
a happy family matters. Or can I turn my emotions
(12:31):
up because I'm supposed to go on a run because
I'm trying to be healthy, but I'm not really feeling
motivated at Or can I just ramp that up because
of this long term goal that I have it's appropriate
for the context. And the kids really responded well to that,
and I said, so, what are the adaptive things and
what are the maladaptive things that we do to respond
to our emotions? And this, to me was the practical part,
(12:52):
and this was where we really had some big wins.
So simple, so easy. I can't remember what they said now.
Maladaptive they said, it's maladaptive if you're having a big.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Emotion to isolate, say alone.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah, to be alone in your room. With what they
didn't say, and we should have probably put in there
as well, is it's also maladaptive to throw things, punch balls,
slam doors, yell at your sister, to your parents you
don't like them, and those kinds of things because they
are maladaptive outcomes to those emotions. But the adaptive ones
hit me with the answers that they gave us.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
One of the kids actually said, clean and I get
picked up because in the early days it's about marriage.
They're clearly not angry enough. In the early days of
our marriage, if I was cranky, our house would be
spotless in a couple of hours, like top to bottom,
because that was when my best cleaning got done. So
(13:47):
I just thought it was hilarious that they said that.
They talked about running and moving your body. They talked
about laughing, music, playing games, cold water and how that
resets us, hugs, physical tarts, playing with the dog, hanging
out with friends, and other good people. Reading with just
a few of the things that they had on their list.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
So I guess the main reason that I wanted to
share this well two things. First of all, let's finish
the conversation about emotions. The summery is this. If you're
feeling big emotions and they're negative, If they're unpleasant emotions
and highly energetic or even low on energy, the standard response,
the maladaptive response, is to take that out on other
people or to isolate yourself and be alone and stare
at a screen. It doesn't work. It actually makes things worse.
(14:32):
What you need to do is move to action, ideally
outside and ideally with other people.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
I know it's a little bit stereotypical, but I think
of the average teenage girl. She's just had her heart broken,
and so her natural instinct is to raise into her room,
slam the door shut, dark room, no lights, and she
listens to every heartbreak song on the radio over and
over and over again.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Heart reading on the radio. How old are you? That's
so fun?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
All right, so it sounds better than Spotify.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Okay, So overall, here's the take home message. To help
our children to do well, we need to teach them,
and sometimes explicit teaching is necessary. The kids loved it.
We had a really great conversation. They were engaged, they
played around with a whole lot of ideas, and.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
As always, there's always one child who just makes the
lesson that much better because they actually prove.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
It, embodied it. Yeah, we embodied on the spot. We
had one that was just miserable the whole time and
giving Oh my goodness, So there's always one anyway, That's
how I'll do better tomorrow. Explicit teaching for kids. Just
pick something that they need to know about, Like, it
doesn't have to be psychological, it can just be a chat.
We want to have a twenty minute chat every Sunday.
(15:49):
We're going to make it part of our routine, part
of our tradition. Why because we care about you and
we want you to make good decisions. And over time,
as they get into the habit of it and the
routine of it with really simple discussions, then you can
start to move some and move to some bigger and
more challenging ones like the federal government's Consent Can't Wait
campaign that I'm an ambassador for. It's worth bringing up
those kinds of things if the kids are the right age.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
In the early days, when our kids were much younger,
we created some family values and so we actually cycled through.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Them, Yeah about gratitude every few.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Weeks, and we just did lessons that were practical and
hands on for the kids to appreciate and understand the
concept of each of these values on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
So we hope that there's some ideas that we will
share with you and outline of what we discussed in
the show notes. In case you want to talk to
your kids about how they can regulate their emotions better.
I think it's pretty suitable for most families most of
the time. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
Ruland from Bridge Media. Thanks so much for listening, Hope
you have a great weekend. Good luck with your family
(16:51):
time this weekend, and we'll talk to you again on Monday.
If you like more info and resources to make family
happy at you find it all happy families dot com,
dot a
In two thousand and two, I said goodbye to my
radio career. Usually when I tell this story, I describe
how I wanted to be a better parent and had
decided to go back to school to study psychology. But
there is a little more to the story and it
involved another at the time major Brisbane celebrity. All that
more in today's episode of the Happy Families podcast Real
(00:27):
Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most don't not
a parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Couson. Did
you like my teas? Kylie, are you intrigued?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I feel like you're about to share some dirt.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
No, no, nothing like that. However, back in, I should
just mention the content that I'm about to share may
not be suitable for young years, so just be mindful
for the next minute or so. Juicy story, good story,
but not necessarily for the little kids. They might have
some questions for you. So let's go back two thousand
and two. I'm working as a radio on houser at
b on I five, Brisbanes B one and my job
(01:02):
included some Saturday work. Every Saturday I showed up on
the radio and did our usual just did a shift
on air. I was asked one weekend to talk about
our breakfast co host Penny Cooper and talk about where
she was quote unquote having sex in the city. The
reason for that was because the Sex in the City
movie was premiering in Sydney and if people could work
(01:26):
out from the clues that we were dropping whereabouts Penny was. Now,
please bear in mind, she was neither anywhere at all.
It was all pre recorded. It was just theater of
the mind. And number two, she certainly wasn't being engaged
in any intimate relations at the time. But the whole
idea was workout where Penny Cooper is having sex in
the city, and you could win flights for you and
your best friend to go down to Sydney, attend the
(01:47):
premiere and meet the stars of the movie. I can't
remember who was coming out. It was like Sarah, Jessica
Parker or someone and that was the prize, right And
I went to management and I just said, I'm not
comfortable being on the radio on a Saturday morning while
mums are taking their kids to netball and dads are
taking their kids to hockey or soccer and talking about this.
I just don't think it's age appropriate content, and they
(02:11):
basically told me too bad, so sad. So as a
result of that, I ended up essentially no longer employed
at Big one I five, I left the Osterio network,
We went to court, went mediation, all sorts of challenges.
It was a pretty miserable experience all the way around,
and it affected us for many, many years because of
that decision. I was already struggling with radio anyway, but
(02:32):
that was the thing that sort of pushed me out
the door. And that's when I decided that I was
going to do the whole parenting thing, go back to
UNI study. I was struggling as a parent. I've made
a lot of mistakes. You had told me that I
needed to improve, and it all kind of happened at
the same time. But I got an email the other
day from that same Penny Cooper, and in that email,
she told me that she has left radio and she
(02:54):
now works in a completely different industry, doing a completely
different thing. She's also married, so she now has a
different surname. And she emailed me just to say that
she wanted to say thanks for standing up for her
back in the B and I. Five days she commented
that she knew that was challenging, but I stood up
for my principles. And then she also mentioned that they
were kind of horrible people and that I didn't deserve
(03:14):
the treatment that I got there, but that none of
us did. And then she told me that her life
is really good. But the reason I'm sharing it is
is this. I was just standing up for my principles,
and because I was young. I think she's been very
generous in her email, do you know what I mean?
Like I had never really thought of her perspective. I
(03:36):
was selfishly thinking about myself and about my values. But
do you think about it, Why was it not that
Jamie Dunn was having sex in the city, or the
in Skippon was having sex in the city. Why was
it Penny Cooper. It's just this ongoing sexualization of women,
always making them out to be the ones. I just
wish that I'd been a much better advocate for her.
(03:58):
I was way too young, I was way out of depth,
and I was definitely way too self focused. I don't
think I deserve the credit that she's given me, But
it was just a really delightful message to receive, and
I wanted to share that because when you take us
down on principle, When you take us down on principle,
when you know what you value, it's not just a
(04:18):
selfish thing. It really has effects that that ripple out significantly.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Thinking back to that experience, it was one of the
most challenging experiences that we'd had in our marriage to date,
but I would say across the board in our married
life it has been one of the most challenging experiences
we've had. But I would also say one of the
most defining moments of our lives as you really recognized
(04:50):
what was important to you and what you stood for,
and it didn't turn out well. Moment it didn't turn
out well. We literally literally turned our lives upside down.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Twenty three years down the track, we're glad for it,
but it took a long time. It took more than
ten or twelve years to get over that.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
It's not even that when I look back, I think
that it was good. It was pivotal in the lives
that we now live. And to receive an email twenty
three years later acknowledging the impact of that one moment
that in the moment turned our lives upside down, actually
(05:33):
had it had a profound impact on someone else were positive.
Just emphasizes the importance and the power of the one.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yeah. Let me extend it in a slightly different direction
as well. We try to protect our kids from anything
that could be too confronting, that anything, anything that could
upset them. And yet you work out who you are
when you are confronted. You work out who you are
when you put into a situation where you have to
make a moral choice. Who am I? What do I believe?
(06:06):
What are my values? What is my identity?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
And it's interesting when we look back at that experience,
we were making moral choices kind of on a weekly
basis because of the career choice that you've made.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah. Yeah, the media is not exactly the most safe
space morally.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah. And it was getting more and more tricky the
further up the ladder you went. And while it was challenging,
I think when I think of the experiences we've had,
it's one of the moments where I'm most proud of
who you are and who you were striving to be
(06:42):
in that moment.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. Thanks for
that anyway. That was just a quick little news bit
that's taken more than half the podcast, so for older
better tomorrow for those of you those who are new
to the pod. Every Friday, we talk about what worked
and what didn't during the week, and we try to
get our head around how we can be more intentional
as parents. After the break, we'll tell you our big
(07:03):
story for the week. Just gone. Okay, Kylie, I'll do
about it tomorrow. You wanted to share the same thing
that I wanted to share, so I'm just going to
outline it and then you can add the color and
flavor that you think matters. We make a really explicit
point of trying to teach our children principles and practices
(07:26):
things that will improve their lives. And over the last
several years, we've tried to on the first Sunday of
every month sit down with the kids and talk to
them about a tricky topic, talk to them about a
big issue, and we've been reasonably successful with it, although
we've been a bit hit and miss, and with my traveling,
it just makes it tricky to get it done all
the time. So here's what we've decided. Instead, we're going
(07:48):
to do it every week instead of once every four
or five weeks. We're going to establish the habit. And
the reason for that is if you want things to change,
you can't do them inconsistently. You have to do them regularly.
Is ideal, but obviously we can't do this every day.
Once a week's fine.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
One hundred percent is easier than ninety nine percent.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
That's one of my favorite sayings. I'm so glad to
hear that it's finally getting That's great. All right, So
here's the conversation that we had with our kids on Sunday.
I wanted to talk to them about emotions, and so
I began by describing what an emotion is and how
emotions exist on two dimensions. There's the energetic dimension and
the pleasantness dimension. So you can have high emotional lower emotion,
(08:28):
and you can have pleasant emotion or unpleasant emotion. And
then we walked through, so what does it look like?
What is an emotion that is highly pleasant and highly energetic?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
And the kid said, We're gonna have to get a
new describe next week because i can't even read your writing.
They said things like excited, joyful, passion, happy, hope, exhilaration, inspired, creative.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
We've got the point related. Okay, so this is high
pleasantness and high energy. And then we went to the
bottom right hand quad and I said, okay, what is
still highly pleasant but has low energy? And they said
they really.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Struggled with this, the idea that it was a pleasant
emotion but didn't have much energy to it. It took
them a while, but once they got there they did.
They said things like calm, peace or scentered. That was
really cool word. I love that, Yeah, gratitude, empowered, confident.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Okay. Then we went to the other side of the
y axis and I said, what about low energy emotions
that are unpleasant, which.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Probably shouldn't use white bull markers either, because somebody's rubbed
them out. I think it says weary, yep, sad. Right,
And there's two others there that I.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Can't read, okay, but you get the idea. And then,
of course, you know the one that they didn't have
any trouble with, highly energetic, highly unpleasant. They went crazy with.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Them instantly, anger, anxiety, stress, envy, irritation, jealousy, And so.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
We talked about why they knew those ones best and
how that felt, and just sort of laid around with
these ideas, what are our emotions and how do they
move us because the word emotion has the same root
as the word motivation, and both of them are related
to the idea of movement. We talked about how emotions
are something that you're supposed to move through rather than
(10:16):
park yourself inside of, and the idea that emotions are
like waves on the beach. They come up and they
go back out.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I like this idea of recognizing that an emotion is
something that we feel, it's not something that we are. Yeah,
and the distinction between that because so often the words
we use are I am angry, right, and so we
identify as being the emotion, as opposed to acknowledging we're
having an emotion and there's power and recognizing that it
(10:47):
isn't us. It's an emotion that we're experiencing in the moment,
and outside of a handful of very small, challenging emotions,
the emotions that we feel we only feel for a
really brief moment unless we choose to stay in that space.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
So I've learned a little bit of Spanish, and something
that I learned was that they don't say I'm hungry,
they say I have hunger. Tengo hungry, Okay, So t
is I have so I have this emotion, but I
am not this emotion, and I think that's really really important.
Just incidentally, as a quick aside, the other day, one
(11:24):
of our children was having an extremely big emotion. She
was not the emotion, but she certainly was having it.
And I reminded her of the waves coming in and
going out, and I said, but sometimes it doesn't feel
like a wave is coming in and out. Sometimes it
feels like the whole ocean has come in. It feels
like the tide has come in and it's still coming
because it's not always just five or ten or fifteen seconds,
it's a whole lot more. So, we talked about emotions
(11:48):
and how they work, how they come in, how they
go out, and then essentially we stepped across to this
idea of emotion regulation. I said, there are three things
that you need to remember. Number one, emotion regulation is
the ability to turn your emotions up or down. Number two,
it's got to be appropriate for the context. And number three,
it's got to be in harmony with your long term goals.
(12:10):
So long term goals might be having good family relationships,
or long term goals could be maintaining a good friendship
or doing well at school or keeping your job or
whatever it is, depending on the agent of being healthy. Yeah, absolutely,
So Can I turn my emotions down so that I
can maintain good family relationships because I know that having
a happy family matters. Or can I turn my emotions
(12:31):
up because I'm supposed to go on a run because
I'm trying to be healthy, but I'm not really feeling
motivated at Or can I just ramp that up because
of this long term goal that I have it's appropriate
for the context. And the kids really responded well to that,
and I said, so, what are the adaptive things and
what are the maladaptive things that we do to respond
to our emotions? And this, to me was the practical part,
(12:52):
and this was where we really had some big wins.
So simple, so easy. I can't remember what they said now.
Maladaptive they said, it's maladaptive if you're having a big.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Emotion to isolate, say alone.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah, to be alone in your room. With what they
didn't say, and we should have probably put in there
as well, is it's also maladaptive to throw things, punch balls,
slam doors, yell at your sister, to your parents you
don't like them, and those kinds of things because they
are maladaptive outcomes to those emotions. But the adaptive ones
hit me with the answers that they gave us.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
One of the kids actually said, clean and I get
picked up because in the early days it's about marriage.
They're clearly not angry enough. In the early days of
our marriage, if I was cranky, our house would be
spotless in a couple of hours, like top to bottom,
because that was when my best cleaning got done. So
(13:47):
I just thought it was hilarious that they said that.
They talked about running and moving your body. They talked
about laughing, music, playing games, cold water and how that
resets us, hugs, physical tarts, playing with the dog, hanging
out with friends, and other good people. Reading with just
a few of the things that they had on their list.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
So I guess the main reason that I wanted to
share this well two things. First of all, let's finish
the conversation about emotions. The summery is this. If you're
feeling big emotions and they're negative, If they're unpleasant emotions
and highly energetic or even low on energy, the standard response,
the maladaptive response, is to take that out on other
people or to isolate yourself and be alone and stare
at a screen. It doesn't work. It actually makes things worse.
(14:32):
What you need to do is move to action, ideally
outside and ideally with other people.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
I know it's a little bit stereotypical, but I think
of the average teenage girl. She's just had her heart broken,
and so her natural instinct is to raise into her room,
slam the door shut, dark room, no lights, and she
listens to every heartbreak song on the radio over and
over and over again.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Heart reading on the radio. How old are you? That's
so fun?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
All right, so it sounds better than Spotify.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Okay, So overall, here's the take home message. To help
our children to do well, we need to teach them,
and sometimes explicit teaching is necessary. The kids loved it.
We had a really great conversation. They were engaged, they
played around with a whole lot of ideas, and.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
As always, there's always one child who just makes the
lesson that much better because they actually prove.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
It, embodied it. Yeah, we embodied on the spot. We
had one that was just miserable the whole time and
giving Oh my goodness, So there's always one anyway, That's
how I'll do better tomorrow. Explicit teaching for kids. Just
pick something that they need to know about, Like, it
doesn't have to be psychological, it can just be a chat.
We want to have a twenty minute chat every Sunday.
(15:49):
We're going to make it part of our routine, part
of our tradition. Why because we care about you and
we want you to make good decisions. And over time,
as they get into the habit of it and the
routine of it with really simple discussions, then you can
start to move some and move to some bigger and
more challenging ones like the federal government's Consent Can't Wait
campaign that I'm an ambassador for. It's worth bringing up
those kinds of things if the kids are the right age.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
In the early days, when our kids were much younger,
we created some family values and so we actually cycled through.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Them, Yeah about gratitude every few.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Weeks, and we just did lessons that were practical and
hands on for the kids to appreciate and understand the
concept of each of these values on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
So we hope that there's some ideas that we will
share with you and outline of what we discussed in
the show notes. In case you want to talk to
your kids about how they can regulate their emotions better.
I think it's pretty suitable for most families most of
the time. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
Ruland from Bridge Media. Thanks so much for listening, Hope
you have a great weekend. Good luck with your family
(16:51):
time this weekend, and we'll talk to you again on Monday.
If you like more info and resources to make family
happy at you find it all happy families dot com,
dot a
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