June 15, 2025 • 15 mins
When the kids are relentless, defiant, or just downright exhausting, do you give in? Do you clamp down? Or is there a better way? In this episode of the Happy Families Podcast, Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the three most common parenting responses to challenging behaviour — and make the case for a third, more effective path. You'll laugh, reflect, and come away with a powerful tool to help you parent with confidence, clarity, and calm.
KEY POINTS:
- The 3 common parenting responses to tough behaviour:
- Giving In (Permissiveness) – short-term peace, long-term chaos.
- The “Hell No” (Authoritarian) – may bring instant compliance but can damage connection and growth.
- Working With (Collaborative Discipline) – more effort upfront, but creates better long-term outcomes.
- Why permissiveness backfires: it invites boundary-testing and weakens trust and safety.
- How harsh, top-down discipline can rupture relationships and discourage self-regulation.
- Introducing the 3 E’s of Effective Discipline:
- Explore your child’s perspective.
- Explain your concerns.
- Empower your child to problem-solve with you.
- Real-life example: how Justin and Kylie worked with their daughter around a tricky social situation.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Fast is slow and slow is fast. When you take the time to work with your kids, you build trust, wisdom, and lasting outcomes.” — Dr Justin Coulson
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- 📖 The Parenting Revolution – by Dr Justin Coulson
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Pause before you react. Ask: am I about to give in, come down hard, or work with?
- Use the 3 E’s next time your child makes a tough request or shows challenging behaviour.
- Revisit tricky issues over time — not every decision has to be made in the moment.
- Stay unified with your co-parent if possible — consistency and teamwork matter.
Remember: boundaries show love. They help kids feel secure, even when they push against them.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
So there's three ways that we can respond to our kids'
challenging behavior. Whether it's kids at phones, kid's gaming, whether
the kids are absconding, running away, breaking rules, just having
big bad attitudes. Three ways we can respond to the
challenging behavior and have the discipline conversation. Today, on the
Happy Families Podcast, we examine those three ways and give
(00:26):
you some clear direction on what to do when things
are getting rough at home with the kids. Good they
Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. It's where you get
real parenting solutions every day. This is Australia's most downloaded
parenting podcast. We Adjusted and Kylie Couson and Kylie, this
is a hard one for us because we've never had
any children who have ever really needed to have discipline right,
(00:47):
have us guide them so that they can make better decisions.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
No experience in the area at all.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Our six daughters have always been perfect and have given
us not a moment of grief or worry. I can't
even say it. Oh my goodness me. Do we just
give in? Do we play hardball? What's the right way
to do this? Kylie? We're going to examine the three
most common I mean, there are more options than what
(01:14):
we're going to talk about. But we're going to examine
the three most common options that parents step into when
the kids are being really challenging. Let's start with option
number one. We give in. We just throw our hands
up in the air and say it's all too hard.
You obviously know better than me. You seem to be
able to see things much more clearly than I do.
I've got no idea because I'm old and ancient. Whatever
you decide for yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
And the challenge with this approach is just the fact
that we're actually choosing short term peace, yes, avoiding through
long term chaos and challenge. What inevitably happens too often
when we take this approach, and it's not the approach
we want, but we're taking the easy road in the moment,
(01:57):
is we actually create a news for ourselves. Late on,
the struggles get bigger and more challenging, and when the
boundaries shift and our kids recognize that there's more rigal room,
they keep pushing against those boundaries. Often.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Yeah, I love the Josh Ship. He's an American youth speaker,
and he gives great talks, really smart guy, and he
uses that metaphor of when you're on the roller coaster,
and I don't know what you call it, the harness.
The harness comes down on your knees or against your chest,
and it pushes really hard and it's restrictive. And our
initial our reaction is I want to push back against this. Yeah,
(02:35):
but he says, we're not pushing back against it because
we don't want it there. We're pushing back against it because, well,
it might be a bit uncomfortable, but we need it
to stay there and stay firm in spite of us
pushing against it, because it's going to save our lives.
He argues that our teenagers are a bit the same.
They're pushing and they're saying they don't want it there,
but they really do. They want to make sure that
it's going to stay firm.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
And I guess the challenge for so many parents is
we have this desire to have this friction free relationship
with our children.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
It doesn't exist.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
We want to be friends with them. We want to
have that kind of reciprocal to and fro with our kids,
and we think that the way we achieve that is
by allowing them to do the things that they want.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
To do, which we call permissiveness. Let's be honest. I mean,
we could charitably call it pick your battles, but often
when we adopt this approach, we don't pick any battles
at all. We just will fight that another day.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I remember having a conversation with one of our kids'
school teachers at one point and I said, well, last
week we were on good terms. This week we are
the worst people in the world.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
She hates us.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And he half jokingly but quite seriously, just said, if
your children, at some point in their lives don't hate you,
then you're not doing your job right. Our job is
actually to provide stability, structure, and boundaries for our kids.
And being kids, they will often see that as you
being unkind, uncaring, unfeeling, and as a result we become
(04:05):
the enemy and the relationship. But it's actually what they need.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I often say to parents, boundaries matter. It's not what
the boundary is, it's how you implement it that makes
the biggest difference. Permissiveness is about not implementing the boundaries.
This is the given option option number one. I see
it a lot. Why because, like you said, Kylie, we
just we want to choose peace. We just want everyone
to just leave us alone where we're exhausted. We've got
too much going on, and now the kids have got
(04:31):
all this energy for this thing that we just don't
have the same level of energy and enthusiasm for what
they want to fight about, and so we give in.
Not helpful, not productive, not effective, not good for our kids'
long term outcomes.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
You tapped into something really important there. It seems that
when our kids need those boundaries the most is at
the point in our day or in our lives where
we don't have the capacity. And often that's when we
become most permissive because it's just like, just get out
of my hair, yes, go do it whatever, and we
don't have the time or the head space or the
(05:07):
thought processing to actually navigate that space with clarity.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Great thing about problems, they last. So if you don't
have the capacity to do with the problem today, the
problem will still exist tomorrow, like it'll hang around until
you deal with the problem. And that's kind of putting
a positive spit on problems. But I like it because
it means that as a parent, we often think that
we have to fix everything now, and we don't. We
(05:33):
can kick it down the road, we can deal with
it later. It's not a problem to do with it later.
In fact, it's quite good to do with it later.
I'm a big fan of that, all right. Our second
most common strategy for dealing with kids being belligerent and
annoying and incessantly asking for more, Rather than going with
giving in, we go with the hell no. That's strategy
number two. Strategy number one given hard core.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Just souoritarian approach is my way or the highway.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
My feedback on this is that I actually would have
struggled with this, and I'll tell you why. I meet
so many people who say, yeah, but it works worked
on me. My parents only ever had to do that
thing once. They punish me. They punished me hard, they
punished me quickly. They linked it directly to what I'd done.
Never did it again. And when you hear that, it's like,
it doesn't mean it's good, it doesn't mean it's right.
(06:22):
But I mean, sometimes it can be really effective. Not
endorsing it, I'm just highlighting this is the logic that
a lot of people will have, and this is why
they go with the hell no, authoritarian style.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
So the challenge I have with this approach is that
while it might work in the moment. What it essentially
does is it takes away our children's ability to self regulate.
We've actually taken the choice away from them. And there
are certain experiences, challenges, situations that we actually need to
(06:54):
step in and have a hard no like that is
our job.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
We are the prefrontal cortex of the Fanly the kids
don't always think things through well.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But there are plenty of times where this approach is
used and it's not needful if we're able to give
our children the opportunity to start thinking, because you can
police them while you're with them, but once you're not there,
they're not going to go with a hell no.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
The question is how do you get to discipline without damage?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
So the missive structure, the giving in, that creates one
form of damage. The hell no authoritarian my way of
the highway that creates a different kind of damage.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And depending on the personality of your child. You have
a submissive child, then they just accept it and they
kind of carry on with life.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
But if you have an opposition or child I do.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
I've watched this happen.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
This ruptures relationships in really significant ways.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, sometimes lifelong ruptures like massive blow ups. After the break,
we're going to talk about our third idea instead of
giving in, instead of handing out a hell no. And
let's be honest, sometimes both of those can work, and
sometimes we need both of those the one that's most
effective right after the break. Okay, so we're dealing with
(08:10):
the question of do we give in, do we just
acquiesced we let the kids have whatever they want? Do
we push back hard and say I'm the parent, You'll
do things my way because I know better than you.
I've climbed forty three rungs on the ladder of life.
You've only climbed nine, and so therefore I can see
things that you can't see. Or is there a better way?
Hell no, give in or work with them. That's our
(08:33):
third alternative today, And surprise, this is the one that
we're going to advocate for, the one that we encourage,
the one that we endorse. Why because it's a little
bit harder, but it works way better.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Well, I was just going to say you saying that
I'm thinking about every time poor parent out there has
just gone you mean, more work.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
But here's the thing, fast as slow and slow as
fast when you go with the giving in approach or
the hell no approach, you have to just keep on
dealing with we visited, so with a give in, it
just becomes an incessant annoyance, and your kids become increasingly
likely to push boundaries because they're looking for where the
boundary is, and so you're constantly being tested if you
(09:14):
go with the hell no, the kids are constantly pushing
against it. But I want some freedom. I want some
choice in my life. When we do a working with approach,
it might be slower at the start, but it gets
faster down the track. Fast is slow, slow is fast.
And for those who have not heard this yet, although
we talk about it in the pot a lot, the
best way to work with your kids is to explore,
(09:35):
explain in power. I call it the three eas of
effective discipline. Kids want a gaming console, Kids want a
new phone. Kids want to be able to stay out late.
Kids want to be able to do it, doesn't matter
what it is.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Go to a friend's party, they want to have a sleepover.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Yeah, three ease, let me explore what's actually going on
for you. Let me explain what I'm worried about or
what I'm concerned about. Let's see if we can empower you.
Let's come up with a solution together we can both
feel good about. So we recently had this going on
with our year twelve daughter. She wanted to go to
a camp site and hang out with all of a
friends camping across a long weekend, and we said we
really wanted to say hell no, but part of us
(10:12):
were like, why, she's nearly an adult, and there was
that sort of maybe we should just give in. But
instead we sat down and we explored, explained, and powder
we worked with her and we said, all right, tell
us more about it. What are the dates, who's going,
how many couple are going to be there? Will there
be alcohol? Tell us about access to emergency services, like
what if something goes wrong, You're nearly two hours away
from us. Turns out she's going to be two hours
(10:33):
away from us at a place that's only accessible by
four will drive, has no mobile fun coverage, and there's
a bunch of kids who are going to be taking alcohol.
Plus there's a handful of couples, only ten kids in total,
and the whole thing. We just looked at it and said,
there's a couple of really big red flags for us,
But overarchingly the fact that we can't contact you and
you need a full drive to get in and out,
which means that you're at the mercy of other people
(10:54):
who may be drinking alcohol. For us, it's just to
we don't feel good about this at all situation. What
can we come up with that helps you to feel
good about it, but also satisfies our concerns for your welfare.
After all, you're under eighteen, you're not an adult, and
we are responsible for keeping you safe.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
The conversation went over a couple of days because we
had to revisit this a number of times. She really
wanted to be able to spend time with her friends,
and there's been some changes to the social structure in
her friendship groups.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Yes, this was important.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
This is her trying to, I guess, insert herself. And
we continue to talk about it, and I think that
deep down she knew it was going to be a no,
but she really wanted to continue having the conversation, just
with that little glimmer of hope that maybe we might,
maybe we might acquiesce. As we continue talking, I actually
(11:49):
said to her, I'm really struggling to make a decision
on this, I said, because I recognize you're nearly eighteen,
you get you know, in a few months time, you
actually get to make the decision around this, I said,
but you're not quite there yet, and so right now
I feel really uncomfortable about X, Y and Z. I said,
what would you do if you were in our position
and this was your daughter? And she looked at me
(12:09):
and she said, I actually don't know, and I said, yeah,
that's where I'm sitting. I said, so, based on the
fact that these are my concerns and I'm just feeling
a little bit unsettled by it, I think I have
to say.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
No, Yeah, it's not a hell yes, we don't feel
safe enough about it, But it's not a.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Hell no either. It's just a I can't feel peaceful
about this. I said, what would it look like. Do
you think if maybe you just went and hung out
with them for the day. Do you think you could
do that and still feel like you're part of it
and not missing out? And she said, yeah, I probably
could do that. Well. As a result, that was actually
the decision we made. But over the next few days,
(12:47):
as more and more information came to her, she realized
that it actually wasn't going to work, and she didn't
want to do it, And what I have been actually
really surprised about. This was something that she really pushed
hard for. But because we chose to stand strong together,
we were unified in this decision, and I think that
(13:07):
that's really important.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
And we worked with her on it, like we gave
her a voice and a sense that this was something
we're wrestling with. We're not just dismissing it out of hand.
We're really wrestling with this.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
She has actually come around so beautifully in the acknowledgment
that she thinks we made the right decision. Yeah, and
she's at peace with it. There's no feeling of I'm
missing out or But.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
The critical thing here is you might listen to that
story and go, oh, my goodness, how nice is that
for you? Obviously perfect outcome, But you're much more likely
to get that perfect outcome when you don't go with
a hell no, and you don't go with that I'm
just going to give it and let you do it
when you actually say, well, we've got a problem to solve.
I mean, the best discipline it's not about hurting your kids.
The best discipline isn't about I don't know, punishing them
(13:52):
or coming with consequences, Nor is it being las a
fair and letting them do whatever. The best discipline is
saying there's a problem to solve, how can we solve
in a way it works for everybody? And if we
can't solve it in a way that works for everybody,
sometimes as a parent you do actually step in and say, well,
I have to use my judgment. My job is to
keep you safe. Therefore, the decision is this. But we
can revisit again soon and see what else we can
(14:12):
come up with to make this work. If you've got
any more ideas, let's play.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
And I think that's key, just the acknowledgment that if
you can't come up with a decision on day one,
it's okay to take problems and to reassess tomorrow or
the next day or even next week.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Great thing about problems, they just hang around.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
All right.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
We need to wrap it up there. Thanks so much
for listening. More information and more resources available in my
Brilliant Book The Parenting. Can I say that about my
own book? Or is that a little bit too self congratulatory?
Is isn't it?
Speaker 2 (14:41):
I don't think so?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
You don't, okay? My brilliant book The parenting. Revolution has
got all the stuff about how to have those conversations
and what those three e's look like. Pairing and Revolution
available wherever you get good books. Our time is done.
Thanks so much to Justin rule On from Bridge Media
for being a wonderful producer making a Happy Families podcast
to sound so good. Have a great day.
So there's three ways that we can respond to our kids'
challenging behavior. Whether it's kids at phones, kid's gaming, whether
the kids are absconding, running away, breaking rules, just having
big bad attitudes. Three ways we can respond to the
challenging behavior and have the discipline conversation. Today, on the
Happy Families Podcast, we examine those three ways and give
(00:26):
you some clear direction on what to do when things
are getting rough at home with the kids. Good they
Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. It's where you get
real parenting solutions every day. This is Australia's most downloaded
parenting podcast. We Adjusted and Kylie Couson and Kylie, this
is a hard one for us because we've never had
any children who have ever really needed to have discipline right,
(00:47):
have us guide them so that they can make better decisions.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
No experience in the area at all.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Our six daughters have always been perfect and have given
us not a moment of grief or worry. I can't
even say it. Oh my goodness me. Do we just
give in? Do we play hardball? What's the right way
to do this? Kylie? We're going to examine the three
most common I mean, there are more options than what
(01:14):
we're going to talk about. But we're going to examine
the three most common options that parents step into when
the kids are being really challenging. Let's start with option
number one. We give in. We just throw our hands
up in the air and say it's all too hard.
You obviously know better than me. You seem to be
able to see things much more clearly than I do.
I've got no idea because I'm old and ancient. Whatever
you decide for yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
And the challenge with this approach is just the fact
that we're actually choosing short term peace, yes, avoiding through
long term chaos and challenge. What inevitably happens too often
when we take this approach, and it's not the approach
we want, but we're taking the easy road in the moment,
(01:57):
is we actually create a news for ourselves. Late on,
the struggles get bigger and more challenging, and when the
boundaries shift and our kids recognize that there's more rigal room,
they keep pushing against those boundaries. Often.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Yeah, I love the Josh Ship. He's an American youth speaker,
and he gives great talks, really smart guy, and he
uses that metaphor of when you're on the roller coaster,
and I don't know what you call it, the harness.
The harness comes down on your knees or against your chest,
and it pushes really hard and it's restrictive. And our
initial our reaction is I want to push back against this. Yeah,
(02:35):
but he says, we're not pushing back against it because
we don't want it there. We're pushing back against it because, well,
it might be a bit uncomfortable, but we need it
to stay there and stay firm in spite of us
pushing against it, because it's going to save our lives.
He argues that our teenagers are a bit the same.
They're pushing and they're saying they don't want it there,
but they really do. They want to make sure that
it's going to stay firm.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
And I guess the challenge for so many parents is
we have this desire to have this friction free relationship
with our children.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
It doesn't exist.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
We want to be friends with them. We want to
have that kind of reciprocal to and fro with our kids,
and we think that the way we achieve that is
by allowing them to do the things that they want.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
To do, which we call permissiveness. Let's be honest. I mean,
we could charitably call it pick your battles, but often
when we adopt this approach, we don't pick any battles
at all. We just will fight that another day.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I remember having a conversation with one of our kids'
school teachers at one point and I said, well, last
week we were on good terms. This week we are
the worst people in the world.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
She hates us.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And he half jokingly but quite seriously, just said, if
your children, at some point in their lives don't hate you,
then you're not doing your job right. Our job is
actually to provide stability, structure, and boundaries for our kids.
And being kids, they will often see that as you
being unkind, uncaring, unfeeling, and as a result we become
(04:05):
the enemy and the relationship. But it's actually what they need.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I often say to parents, boundaries matter. It's not what
the boundary is, it's how you implement it that makes
the biggest difference. Permissiveness is about not implementing the boundaries.
This is the given option option number one. I see
it a lot. Why because, like you said, Kylie, we
just we want to choose peace. We just want everyone
to just leave us alone where we're exhausted. We've got
too much going on, and now the kids have got
(04:31):
all this energy for this thing that we just don't
have the same level of energy and enthusiasm for what
they want to fight about, and so we give in.
Not helpful, not productive, not effective, not good for our kids'
long term outcomes.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
You tapped into something really important there. It seems that
when our kids need those boundaries the most is at
the point in our day or in our lives where
we don't have the capacity. And often that's when we
become most permissive because it's just like, just get out
of my hair, yes, go do it whatever, and we
don't have the time or the head space or the
(05:07):
thought processing to actually navigate that space with clarity.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Great thing about problems, they last. So if you don't
have the capacity to do with the problem today, the
problem will still exist tomorrow, like it'll hang around until
you deal with the problem. And that's kind of putting
a positive spit on problems. But I like it because
it means that as a parent, we often think that
we have to fix everything now, and we don't. We
(05:33):
can kick it down the road, we can deal with
it later. It's not a problem to do with it later.
In fact, it's quite good to do with it later.
I'm a big fan of that, all right. Our second
most common strategy for dealing with kids being belligerent and
annoying and incessantly asking for more, Rather than going with
giving in, we go with the hell no. That's strategy
number two. Strategy number one given hard core.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Just souoritarian approach is my way or the highway.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
My feedback on this is that I actually would have
struggled with this, and I'll tell you why. I meet
so many people who say, yeah, but it works worked
on me. My parents only ever had to do that
thing once. They punish me. They punished me hard, they
punished me quickly. They linked it directly to what I'd done.
Never did it again. And when you hear that, it's like,
it doesn't mean it's good, it doesn't mean it's right.
(06:22):
But I mean, sometimes it can be really effective. Not
endorsing it, I'm just highlighting this is the logic that
a lot of people will have, and this is why
they go with the hell no, authoritarian style.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
So the challenge I have with this approach is that
while it might work in the moment. What it essentially
does is it takes away our children's ability to self regulate.
We've actually taken the choice away from them. And there
are certain experiences, challenges, situations that we actually need to
(06:54):
step in and have a hard no like that is
our job.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
We are the prefrontal cortex of the Fanly the kids
don't always think things through well.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But there are plenty of times where this approach is
used and it's not needful if we're able to give
our children the opportunity to start thinking, because you can
police them while you're with them, but once you're not there,
they're not going to go with a hell no.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
The question is how do you get to discipline without damage?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
So the missive structure, the giving in, that creates one
form of damage. The hell no authoritarian my way of
the highway that creates a different kind of damage.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And depending on the personality of your child. You have
a submissive child, then they just accept it and they
kind of carry on with life.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
But if you have an opposition or child I do.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
I've watched this happen.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
This ruptures relationships in really significant ways.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, sometimes lifelong ruptures like massive blow ups. After the break,
we're going to talk about our third idea instead of
giving in, instead of handing out a hell no. And
let's be honest, sometimes both of those can work, and
sometimes we need both of those the one that's most
effective right after the break. Okay, so we're dealing with
(08:10):
the question of do we give in, do we just
acquiesced we let the kids have whatever they want? Do
we push back hard and say I'm the parent, You'll
do things my way because I know better than you.
I've climbed forty three rungs on the ladder of life.
You've only climbed nine, and so therefore I can see
things that you can't see. Or is there a better way?
Hell no, give in or work with them. That's our
(08:33):
third alternative today, And surprise, this is the one that
we're going to advocate for, the one that we encourage,
the one that we endorse. Why because it's a little
bit harder, but it works way better.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Well, I was just going to say you saying that
I'm thinking about every time poor parent out there has
just gone you mean, more work.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
But here's the thing, fast as slow and slow as
fast when you go with the giving in approach or
the hell no approach, you have to just keep on
dealing with we visited, so with a give in, it
just becomes an incessant annoyance, and your kids become increasingly
likely to push boundaries because they're looking for where the
boundary is, and so you're constantly being tested if you
(09:14):
go with the hell no, the kids are constantly pushing
against it. But I want some freedom. I want some
choice in my life. When we do a working with approach,
it might be slower at the start, but it gets
faster down the track. Fast is slow, slow is fast.
And for those who have not heard this yet, although
we talk about it in the pot a lot, the
best way to work with your kids is to explore,
(09:35):
explain in power. I call it the three eas of
effective discipline. Kids want a gaming console, Kids want a
new phone. Kids want to be able to stay out late.
Kids want to be able to do it, doesn't matter
what it is.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Go to a friend's party, they want to have a sleepover.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Yeah, three ease, let me explore what's actually going on
for you. Let me explain what I'm worried about or
what I'm concerned about. Let's see if we can empower you.
Let's come up with a solution together we can both
feel good about. So we recently had this going on
with our year twelve daughter. She wanted to go to
a camp site and hang out with all of a
friends camping across a long weekend, and we said we
really wanted to say hell no, but part of us
(10:12):
were like, why, she's nearly an adult, and there was
that sort of maybe we should just give in. But
instead we sat down and we explored, explained, and powder
we worked with her and we said, all right, tell
us more about it. What are the dates, who's going,
how many couple are going to be there? Will there
be alcohol? Tell us about access to emergency services, like
what if something goes wrong, You're nearly two hours away
from us. Turns out she's going to be two hours
(10:33):
away from us at a place that's only accessible by
four will drive, has no mobile fun coverage, and there's
a bunch of kids who are going to be taking alcohol.
Plus there's a handful of couples, only ten kids in total,
and the whole thing. We just looked at it and said,
there's a couple of really big red flags for us,
But overarchingly the fact that we can't contact you and
you need a full drive to get in and out,
which means that you're at the mercy of other people
(10:54):
who may be drinking alcohol. For us, it's just to
we don't feel good about this at all situation. What
can we come up with that helps you to feel
good about it, but also satisfies our concerns for your welfare.
After all, you're under eighteen, you're not an adult, and
we are responsible for keeping you safe.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
The conversation went over a couple of days because we
had to revisit this a number of times. She really
wanted to be able to spend time with her friends,
and there's been some changes to the social structure in
her friendship groups.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Yes, this was important.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
This is her trying to, I guess, insert herself. And
we continue to talk about it, and I think that
deep down she knew it was going to be a no,
but she really wanted to continue having the conversation, just
with that little glimmer of hope that maybe we might,
maybe we might acquiesce. As we continue talking, I actually
(11:49):
said to her, I'm really struggling to make a decision
on this, I said, because I recognize you're nearly eighteen,
you get you know, in a few months time, you
actually get to make the decision around this, I said,
but you're not quite there yet, and so right now
I feel really uncomfortable about X, Y and Z. I said,
what would you do if you were in our position
and this was your daughter? And she looked at me
(12:09):
and she said, I actually don't know, and I said, yeah,
that's where I'm sitting. I said, so, based on the
fact that these are my concerns and I'm just feeling
a little bit unsettled by it, I think I have
to say.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
No, Yeah, it's not a hell yes, we don't feel
safe enough about it, But it's not a.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Hell no either. It's just a I can't feel peaceful
about this. I said, what would it look like. Do
you think if maybe you just went and hung out
with them for the day. Do you think you could
do that and still feel like you're part of it
and not missing out? And she said, yeah, I probably
could do that. Well. As a result, that was actually
the decision we made. But over the next few days,
(12:47):
as more and more information came to her, she realized
that it actually wasn't going to work, and she didn't
want to do it, And what I have been actually
really surprised about. This was something that she really pushed
hard for. But because we chose to stand strong together,
we were unified in this decision, and I think that
(13:07):
that's really important.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
And we worked with her on it, like we gave
her a voice and a sense that this was something
we're wrestling with. We're not just dismissing it out of hand.
We're really wrestling with this.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
She has actually come around so beautifully in the acknowledgment
that she thinks we made the right decision. Yeah, and
she's at peace with it. There's no feeling of I'm
missing out or But.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
The critical thing here is you might listen to that
story and go, oh, my goodness, how nice is that
for you? Obviously perfect outcome, But you're much more likely
to get that perfect outcome when you don't go with
a hell no, and you don't go with that I'm
just going to give it and let you do it
when you actually say, well, we've got a problem to solve.
I mean, the best discipline it's not about hurting your kids.
The best discipline isn't about I don't know, punishing them
(13:52):
or coming with consequences, Nor is it being las a
fair and letting them do whatever. The best discipline is
saying there's a problem to solve, how can we solve
in a way it works for everybody? And if we
can't solve it in a way that works for everybody,
sometimes as a parent you do actually step in and say, well,
I have to use my judgment. My job is to
keep you safe. Therefore, the decision is this. But we
can revisit again soon and see what else we can
(14:12):
come up with to make this work. If you've got
any more ideas, let's play.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
And I think that's key, just the acknowledgment that if
you can't come up with a decision on day one,
it's okay to take problems and to reassess tomorrow or
the next day or even next week.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Great thing about problems, they just hang around.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
All right.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
We need to wrap it up there. Thanks so much
for listening. More information and more resources available in my
Brilliant Book The Parenting. Can I say that about my
own book? Or is that a little bit too self congratulatory?
Is isn't it?
Speaker 2 (14:41):
I don't think so?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
You don't, okay? My brilliant book The parenting. Revolution has
got all the stuff about how to have those conversations
and what those three e's look like. Pairing and Revolution
available wherever you get good books. Our time is done.
Thanks so much to Justin rule On from Bridge Media
for being a wonderful producer making a Happy Families podcast
to sound so good. Have a great day.
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