January 12, 2023 • 10 mins
Summer Series
Topics included in this episode -
- Tips on how to manage parent fatigue
Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families
Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
Families dot Com doyom. He with Kylie, my wife, mum,
to our six kids on Friday the thirteenth more. I
feel like I should do my wicked witch laugh. The
kids get excited about it. I don't know if you will.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
What It's been a while since that one's come home.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It won't come out again for a long time. I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry. Now school holiday is continuing.
We've got a big topic today because I mean, holidays
are supposed to be rejuvenating, they're supposed to be refreshing.
But today we're talking about managing fatigue as a parent,
because parents are tired. Is there a better way to
say that? Or is that about right?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
You know, I've been having conversations with lots of people
about this lately because I am feeling exhausted. I feel
like I've hit rock bottom in a way that I've
never hit before. I can hear it in your voice,
and there's just this acknowledgment that you know, we have
been through some of the hardest couple of years, not
collectively as a human race, dealing with just so much
(01:15):
uncertainty and stress and anxiety around you know, COVID and jobs,
and you know whether or not there's enough food on
the shelves at the shops. There's just been so much
to deal with.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
And now we're dealing with the economic insecurity of interest
rate hikes and so.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
On, and all of that insecurity and instability has taken
a physical and mental toll on everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
So I reckon, though, Kylie, that we were tired before COVID,
like I think part of the condition.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
As a parent specifically, I mean, I think tiredness is
across the board everybody. Everybody experiences it to some level.
But as a parent, I think that you know you
sign up for a lifetime exhaustion.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
So do you remember when we had little kids? Do
you remember how how tiring it was? When we had
kids that were like one and two and three.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I was so exhausted that I would often wake up
at about one o'clock in the morning it still on
the ground, after having tried to pad off a child
and wondering why you hadn't come and woken me up
to take me to bed because you had fallen asleep
in bed waiting for.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Me, or patting another child off in another room or
something like that. I mean, you were so tired when
you were pregnant with our second child. We had like
a two and a half year old pregnant with our
second one, and we were a Billy Joel concert Brisbane
and attainment center, like in two thousand and I guess
two thousand and one, two thousand and two, and you fell.
You're going to let me love that fell asleep in
a rock concert. That's so exhaustion is But so how
(02:48):
do we manage fatigue as a parent? How do we
get the balance right? Before we share some solutions, I
want to share one quick metaphor that I found really useful,
and that is the metaphor of a tightrope walker. So
I don't think that a tightrope walker is ever what
you might call perfectly balanced. Instead, they're in a process
of constantly balancing, always adjusting, moving a bit to the left,
(03:11):
a little bit to the right as they move make
their way across the tightrope, and the I energy on
the end of the word tells us it's active. Yeah,
it's a process. It's something that we have to be
continually doing. I think that's why it's exhausting, trying to
get this balance right. It's never quite right, but we're
always in the process of balancing.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I just love that metaphor because when I think about,
you know, family life in general, whether it's dealing with
fatigue or you know, kind of dealing with children's behavior
challenges or eating, whatever it is, it's constantly changing. Just
when you think you've got the mix right, just when
you feel like you're spot on, everything's going right, which
(03:52):
is that whole balance right, you're on the tightrope and
you feel like, oh, I've got this, I've got Oh no,
I don't. Well, I sway to the other side.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Every now and again, I'm feeling balanced, and then one
of the kids will come and say, Dad.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
That's exactly right, Dad, And there's just there's so many
moving parts.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
In fact, usually it's you that throws me off balance
because I'll be balanced and then they kids say, Mom
said to ask you, because you're you're so tired of
making the decisioncy making me make them I'm like, ah,
I don't want to make it. In fact, every now
and again, I'll say, go and ask mum, and I
already did. She said to ask you just constant. So
let's now what we're going to talk about. In terms
of solutions, they're kind of obvious, but we still don't
(04:31):
do them well. We certainly don't do them enough. So
solution number one to manage fatigue as a parent is sleep.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
This one's so funny because in our house, specifically with you,
when it comes time to go to bed, the more
exhausted you are, the more inclined you are to turn
the TV on.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I know what is it with that?
Speaker 2 (04:55):
And I will fall in line with that easily because
I just want some brain dead time.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Yeah, but it's.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
The last thing you need to be doing at the
times when you feel so exhausted you just need to
close your eyes.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
I'm really frustrated that you've shared that with the world,
but you're exactly right. The tired I am, the more
likely it is that I will pick up the remote
and say, let's just watch one episode of something, which
is a really dumb thing, because instead what I should
do is pick up a book, a nonfiction book, a
book that's not going to keep me captivated page after page.
But sleep we treat sleep like it's a luxury item,
(05:32):
and the reality is it's not. It's essential. We simply
cannot function well as people, as parents, as partners if
we're sleep deprived. So the average adult needs approximately say
seven and a half to nine hours of sleep per night.
You can get by on less than that, but over time,
you're going to sleep debt. The more sleep debt you have,
(05:54):
the more likely it is that you're going to have
impaired decision making, you're going to have fatigue management issues.
You're just not going to perform well well.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And if your body clock is functioning, then regardless of
what time you go to bed, you're going to get
up at the same time every morning. So you're not
getting the full amount of sleep that you need unless
you stick to the routine.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Right, So, we've got a long weekend coming up, and
my recommendation for anyone who's wanting to manage their fatigue
better as a parent is to get enough sleep. Just
have a couple of early nights, have a couple of
sleep ins if you need them, and try to get
that sleep debt taken care of. Because it does make
a difference. It doesn't mean that you won't get tired.
It just means that the tiredness won't be as bone heavy,
(06:35):
and it won't set in as early. I mean by
about seven o'clock every night, you're going to be tired,
but it's worse when you're exhausted. Second big idea is diet.
So when it comes to diet, it will we know
we're supposed to. But the more sugar we have for
(06:56):
people who are drinking, the more alcohol you have, the
less effective your body functions. I think that's kind of
that's the message, right.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I think that maybe I have it completely wrong, but
I think mums are so prone to not feeding their
bodies the things that they need because we eat on
the run so much of the time. We feel so
busy and so time poor that instead of making ourselves,
you know, a healthy lunch to sit down and eat,
we just go to the cupboard and grab a couple
(07:25):
of biscuits to kind of give us that sugar hit
that we need to keep going. And it's just so
easy to fall into that habit and then you know,
kind of lay it down the track find ourselves in
really challenging positions if we don't take the time to
fuel our bodies with the things that we need.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Just had a minor brain wave as you were saying that,
and that is how much we rely on quick and
easy food. So if we can make really healthy food
massively accessible by peeling the carrots and having them chopped
in some tuppware in the fridge, or.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Even just making more than you need for dinner. Yeah,
so you know when we've got leftovers in the fridge.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
We straight to the leftovers.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Yes, so easy to just pull out the leftovers, heat
them up for break for lunch, or you know, kind
of add them to something for a healthy lunch. But
if they're not there, then it's like ah.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And the other thing that makes it easier is just
having a meal list right, like knowing what we're eating,
which means that we're less likely to make less healthy alternatives.
Fatigue management, diet is central. Sleep is the other one.
And the third and final one that we're going.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
To mention today is attention management.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So that means that we know what we're focusing on
and we're choosing to focus on it for the right
reasons at the right time. And it kind of goes
back to the screen issue, I guess, but it's also
about being present, being intentional, being in the moment.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, when I think about that, I actually think about,
you know, looking at the things that I have to
do in any given day and then adjusting my expectations
to what I am capable of doing in a day. Right,
so often we have this ridiculous to do list, and
I remember, especially when the kids to be younger, I
would literally stay in my gym gear all day, not
(09:03):
because I wanted to, but number one, I didn't give
myself the time to have a shower, and number two
because it meant that I could run faster. It literally
gave me the sense of being energetic in spite of
the fact that I didn't feel it physically, but I
had my jogers on, so it meant that I could
move faster and that kind of gave me the capacity
(09:23):
to get through my day. But it comes at a cost.
We don't take the time to take care of ourselves
and nourish ourselves, whether it be food, sleep, exercise, whatever.
It makes it so much harder for us to do
the things we need to do.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And I reckon we just need to emphasize here as well.
One last thing in terms of attention management and that is,
it's okay to have downtime, it's okay to steer at
a screen, it's okay to really embed yourself in a
book or something like that. But it's about doing it
on purpose. It's about saying, Okay, this is the time
that I'm doing it. I know it's not going to
come at any cost in relation to sleep, or relationships
(10:02):
or the other things that matter. If we get that right,
they will manage our fatigue better. I know that they're
kind of generic responses, but they really are at the
very heart of managing our fatigue. And get someone else
to make your decisions, they'll do it as well.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Maybe there's a new job out there for someone.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
We hope that you're enjoying the Happy Families Podcast summer series.
We're back again on Monday with more on the Happy
Families Podcast. For more information, visitors at Happy families dot
com dot a
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
Families dot Com doyom. He with Kylie, my wife, mum,
to our six kids on Friday the thirteenth more. I
feel like I should do my wicked witch laugh. The
kids get excited about it. I don't know if you will.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
What It's been a while since that one's come home.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It won't come out again for a long time. I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry. Now school holiday is continuing.
We've got a big topic today because I mean, holidays
are supposed to be rejuvenating, they're supposed to be refreshing.
But today we're talking about managing fatigue as a parent,
because parents are tired. Is there a better way to
say that? Or is that about right?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
You know, I've been having conversations with lots of people
about this lately because I am feeling exhausted. I feel
like I've hit rock bottom in a way that I've
never hit before. I can hear it in your voice,
and there's just this acknowledgment that you know, we have
been through some of the hardest couple of years, not
collectively as a human race, dealing with just so much
(01:15):
uncertainty and stress and anxiety around you know, COVID and jobs,
and you know whether or not there's enough food on
the shelves at the shops. There's just been so much
to deal with.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
And now we're dealing with the economic insecurity of interest
rate hikes and so.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
On, and all of that insecurity and instability has taken
a physical and mental toll on everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
So I reckon, though, Kylie, that we were tired before COVID,
like I think part of the condition.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
As a parent specifically, I mean, I think tiredness is
across the board everybody. Everybody experiences it to some level.
But as a parent, I think that you know you
sign up for a lifetime exhaustion.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
So do you remember when we had little kids? Do
you remember how how tiring it was? When we had
kids that were like one and two and three.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I was so exhausted that I would often wake up
at about one o'clock in the morning it still on
the ground, after having tried to pad off a child
and wondering why you hadn't come and woken me up
to take me to bed because you had fallen asleep
in bed waiting for.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Me, or patting another child off in another room or
something like that. I mean, you were so tired when
you were pregnant with our second child. We had like
a two and a half year old pregnant with our
second one, and we were a Billy Joel concert Brisbane
and attainment center, like in two thousand and I guess
two thousand and one, two thousand and two, and you fell.
You're going to let me love that fell asleep in
a rock concert. That's so exhaustion is But so how
(02:48):
do we manage fatigue as a parent? How do we
get the balance right? Before we share some solutions, I
want to share one quick metaphor that I found really useful,
and that is the metaphor of a tightrope walker. So
I don't think that a tightrope walker is ever what
you might call perfectly balanced. Instead, they're in a process
of constantly balancing, always adjusting, moving a bit to the left,
(03:11):
a little bit to the right as they move make
their way across the tightrope, and the I energy on
the end of the word tells us it's active. Yeah,
it's a process. It's something that we have to be
continually doing. I think that's why it's exhausting, trying to
get this balance right. It's never quite right, but we're
always in the process of balancing.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I just love that metaphor because when I think about,
you know, family life in general, whether it's dealing with
fatigue or you know, kind of dealing with children's behavior
challenges or eating, whatever it is, it's constantly changing. Just
when you think you've got the mix right, just when
you feel like you're spot on, everything's going right, which
(03:52):
is that whole balance right, you're on the tightrope and
you feel like, oh, I've got this, I've got Oh no,
I don't. Well, I sway to the other side.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Every now and again, I'm feeling balanced, and then one
of the kids will come and say, Dad.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
That's exactly right, Dad, And there's just there's so many
moving parts.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
In fact, usually it's you that throws me off balance
because I'll be balanced and then they kids say, Mom
said to ask you, because you're you're so tired of
making the decisioncy making me make them I'm like, ah,
I don't want to make it. In fact, every now
and again, I'll say, go and ask mum, and I
already did. She said to ask you just constant. So
let's now what we're going to talk about. In terms
of solutions, they're kind of obvious, but we still don't
(04:31):
do them well. We certainly don't do them enough. So
solution number one to manage fatigue as a parent is sleep.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
This one's so funny because in our house, specifically with you,
when it comes time to go to bed, the more
exhausted you are, the more inclined you are to turn
the TV on.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I know what is it with that?
Speaker 2 (04:55):
And I will fall in line with that easily because
I just want some brain dead time.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Yeah, but it's.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
The last thing you need to be doing at the
times when you feel so exhausted you just need to
close your eyes.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
I'm really frustrated that you've shared that with the world,
but you're exactly right. The tired I am, the more
likely it is that I will pick up the remote
and say, let's just watch one episode of something, which
is a really dumb thing, because instead what I should
do is pick up a book, a nonfiction book, a
book that's not going to keep me captivated page after page.
But sleep we treat sleep like it's a luxury item,
(05:32):
and the reality is it's not. It's essential. We simply
cannot function well as people, as parents, as partners if
we're sleep deprived. So the average adult needs approximately say
seven and a half to nine hours of sleep per night.
You can get by on less than that, but over time,
you're going to sleep debt. The more sleep debt you have,
(05:54):
the more likely it is that you're going to have
impaired decision making, you're going to have fatigue management issues.
You're just not going to perform well well.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And if your body clock is functioning, then regardless of
what time you go to bed, you're going to get
up at the same time every morning. So you're not
getting the full amount of sleep that you need unless
you stick to the routine.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Right, So, we've got a long weekend coming up, and
my recommendation for anyone who's wanting to manage their fatigue
better as a parent is to get enough sleep. Just
have a couple of early nights, have a couple of
sleep ins if you need them, and try to get
that sleep debt taken care of. Because it does make
a difference. It doesn't mean that you won't get tired.
It just means that the tiredness won't be as bone heavy,
(06:35):
and it won't set in as early. I mean by
about seven o'clock every night, you're going to be tired,
but it's worse when you're exhausted. Second big idea is diet.
So when it comes to diet, it will we know
we're supposed to. But the more sugar we have for
(06:56):
people who are drinking, the more alcohol you have, the
less effective your body functions. I think that's kind of
that's the message, right.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I think that maybe I have it completely wrong, but
I think mums are so prone to not feeding their
bodies the things that they need because we eat on
the run so much of the time. We feel so
busy and so time poor that instead of making ourselves,
you know, a healthy lunch to sit down and eat,
we just go to the cupboard and grab a couple
(07:25):
of biscuits to kind of give us that sugar hit
that we need to keep going. And it's just so
easy to fall into that habit and then you know,
kind of lay it down the track find ourselves in
really challenging positions if we don't take the time to
fuel our bodies with the things that we need.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Just had a minor brain wave as you were saying that,
and that is how much we rely on quick and
easy food. So if we can make really healthy food
massively accessible by peeling the carrots and having them chopped
in some tuppware in the fridge, or.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Even just making more than you need for dinner. Yeah,
so you know when we've got leftovers in the fridge.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
We straight to the leftovers.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Yes, so easy to just pull out the leftovers, heat
them up for break for lunch, or you know, kind
of add them to something for a healthy lunch. But
if they're not there, then it's like ah.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And the other thing that makes it easier is just
having a meal list right, like knowing what we're eating,
which means that we're less likely to make less healthy alternatives.
Fatigue management, diet is central. Sleep is the other one.
And the third and final one that we're going.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
To mention today is attention management.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So that means that we know what we're focusing on
and we're choosing to focus on it for the right
reasons at the right time. And it kind of goes
back to the screen issue, I guess, but it's also
about being present, being intentional, being in the moment.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, when I think about that, I actually think about,
you know, looking at the things that I have to
do in any given day and then adjusting my expectations
to what I am capable of doing in a day. Right,
so often we have this ridiculous to do list, and
I remember, especially when the kids to be younger, I
would literally stay in my gym gear all day, not
(09:03):
because I wanted to, but number one, I didn't give
myself the time to have a shower, and number two
because it meant that I could run faster. It literally
gave me the sense of being energetic in spite of
the fact that I didn't feel it physically, but I
had my jogers on, so it meant that I could
move faster and that kind of gave me the capacity
(09:23):
to get through my day. But it comes at a cost.
We don't take the time to take care of ourselves
and nourish ourselves, whether it be food, sleep, exercise, whatever.
It makes it so much harder for us to do
the things we need to do.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And I reckon we just need to emphasize here as well.
One last thing in terms of attention management and that is,
it's okay to have downtime, it's okay to steer at
a screen, it's okay to really embed yourself in a
book or something like that. But it's about doing it
on purpose. It's about saying, Okay, this is the time
that I'm doing it. I know it's not going to
come at any cost in relation to sleep, or relationships
(10:02):
or the other things that matter. If we get that right,
they will manage our fatigue better. I know that they're
kind of generic responses, but they really are at the
very heart of managing our fatigue. And get someone else
to make your decisions, they'll do it as well.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Maybe there's a new job out there for someone.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
We hope that you're enjoying the Happy Families Podcast summer series.
We're back again on Monday with more on the Happy
Families Podcast. For more information, visitors at Happy families dot
com dot a
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