January 23, 2023 • 17 mins
Justin & Kylie answer all your extra curricular activity questions
Topics included in this episode -
- Season 2 of Parental Guidance is coming SOON
- How many extra curricular activities should our kids be doing?
- Follow your children's interest
- Relationships matter
- Should you let them change their mind?
- It's okay to push a little bit
Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families
Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now, I think that there's an argument we made for
encouraging kids to persist at something that we know that
they'll be grateful for that they've expressed interest in and
love for previously. If we can just get the activity right.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
And now here's the scars of our show, My mum
and dad.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
Families dot com dot a U. Season two of Parental
Guidance coming soon to Channel nine. We can't wait to
share everything great about the brand new season of Parental
Guidance that's coming up. I mean with Kylie, my wife
and mum to our six children, our six daughters, Kylie.
As we start off the school year, parents are enrolling
(00:47):
their kids in all kinds of activities, extracurricular stuff. God
enrich them. Got to help them to have fancy and
fulfilled lives doing all those things that we know are
going to make such a difference in their lives and
their wellbeing. Sport, music, art, drama, all that kind of stuff.
And it's around about this time that we usually have
questions from parents who say, how do we how do
(01:08):
we get this right? Like? How many activities should they
be doing? And what if they don't want to do
the activity that we know that they should be doing,
or what if they start an activity that they really
want to do and they want to quit after they've
only been doing it for one or two weeks? How
do we figure this out? I thought that today would
be a good day to answer those questions. I think
I'm going to start with the first obvious one, how
(01:29):
many extracurricular activities should our kids be doing? I don't
know if you and I agree on this or not.
We seem to have a little bit of conflict in
our relationship about this one. What's your thought.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Some of the early days, we ca with this great plan. Well,
at least we thought it was great because we had
never done it, that the children would have two extracurriculars
each until you realize that six times two equals twelve.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
And that's a recipe for bankruptcy. That not only that,
an exhaustion.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Time poor, like how do you physic do it all?
And then you're dragging X amount of kids along to
watch one child explore and enjoy their experience. Well, everyone
else is moaning and groaning because the last thing they
want to do is sit in a waiting room.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So we decided that we're going to have the kids
do one musical instrument and one sport, and so we
chose swimming because we want the kids to be safe
in the water, and they could choose their musical instrument,
until we realized that was too hard, and so we
basically booked them all into swimming lessons on the same
day at the same time, which was brilliant, And we
booked them in for music lessons with the same teacher
one after the other, until we realized that doesn't work
(02:34):
very well at all. And then we had one child
that didn't really want to learn that instrument. She wanted
to learn something else. And we had kids that were
starting to get better at swimming because they were bigger
and older, and they had to go to the squad
instead of the swimming lessons, and it started to fall apart.
It got really really messy.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Well, and your way of seeing things is, if the
kids want to do it, let them do it well.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I want them to have enriching experiences, even if it's
going to break me financially well it's.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Breaking you financially but me physically because you're often not
home and I'm the one trying to navigate the challenges
of a very busy schedule.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And then that means that we come home late and
there's no dinner organized, and everyone's tired, and like, it's
really really hard to get this right. So for the
average parent who's only got one or two kids and
maybe three, I still think that the idea of having
them involved in one sporting activity for health and teamwork
and fitness and all that kind of stuff, I think
(03:31):
that's a really good thing to do. And I really
believe that getting them involved in some kind of art,
some kind of music, some sort of drumma, something creative, creative, Yeah,
I think there's value in that, because if you're going
to do a sport, it's usually quite structured. It doesn't
necessarily always lend itself to a whole lot of creativity
and a whole lot of strategic thinking. You get in
(03:52):
the pool and you swim as fast as you can,
or you get in the bike and you ride as
fast as you can, or you get on the field
and you run as fast as you can. And I
don't want to be too reduction. I know that some
people who are big sporting of Fishnado are going to
be upset about what I just said, But as a
general rule, I'm being fairly simplistic. Whereas when the kids
are learning music, they're learning to be creative there, or
if they're doing drama or art, they're expanding the repertoire of.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Using different sides of your brain different entirety.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Completely, So I reckon that that's a really good idea.
But we've got to go deeper than that. We've got
to explore other ways to help our kids to have
that enrichment and what is the right amount, how.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Are we supposed to do it?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
We also need to talk about when to start. I mean,
I talk to some parents who've got their kids into
tutoring and into different sports and maybe dancing or gymnastics
or whatever it might be from a really, really young age.
So I reckon, when it comes to kids and extracurricular activities,
there are some things that they want to start as
soon as possible for safety, such as swimming. So we
(04:53):
want to teach our kids to swim full stop, endo story.
But in terms of more organized kinds of sports and activities,
more structured activity. I don't think that there's really good
research evidence to support getting our kids involved in that
until they're at least eight, nine, maybe even ten years
of age, perhaps even a little bit older.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Again, and we've watched this time and time again every
now and again because we've got so many children. The
little kids have seen their big sisters involved in things
and want to get involved, and it's just never been
a positive experience while they're.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Young, right, So research on kids and competitiveness shows that
that's not in their best interests. So I think we
want to hold off on anything competitive for as long
as possible. I don't know. Some parents say, yeah, but
my kids are going to have the edge, they're going
to be so much better at it if they start younger. Again,
the research evidence doesn't support that they may develop a
reasonable level of competence. But if you get a kid
(05:41):
playing let's say ball sport from the age of eight,
and another kid starts at eleven, within a year or two,
that eleven year old will have caught up without any
problems at all. You look at someone like Roger Federer,
one of the.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Well it's life experience, right right, they're much better equipped
with their hand eye coordination. They're more physically developed and
have better strength and coordination. There's just there's so much
more available to them because they're actually older.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And so speaking of the older thing, Federer's mum was
a tennis coach. He hated tennis. He didn't want to
play tennis. He wanted to be involved in all sorts
of other sports so long as it wasn't tennis. And
it wasn't until he was in his late teams that
he decided that he wanted to give tennis a shot.
And we all know how that turned out. He's essentially
the greatest tennis player in the history of the world.
A really really incredible phenomenon, Roger Federer, and he didn't
(06:34):
start until late. We have other incredible success stories like
Patrick Johnson, the sprinter who started in his twenties and
went on to win gold medals for Australia.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
So I think it comes down to motivation exactly. If
our children actually want to participate and want to do
well at something, then they're motivated to do it and
regardless of their age, they're going to move forward in
really positive and strong ways.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Okay, so let's do a quick stop down here and
just summarize what we've talked about. First off, in terms
of getting kids involved, yes, but wait until they're older,
especially for structured and competitive activities.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
So if you want to start saving from an.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Early number two in terms of how many activities, our
recommendation is that you do as many activities as you
can comfortably both afford from a time perspective and from
a financial perspective.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So we totally disagree on this, and I'm going to
say less is more.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Yeah, we do a disagree. I just want the kids
to do as many things as they can because they
want to do them. But you've got to be able
to afford it, and you've got to have the time
and capacity to run them around and get them to
all the places they're supposed to be. And that's a
little bit of a challenge.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
You spend your whole life in a car instead of
actually allowing them to just live their lives.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
The third thing that we're going to touch on that
I think we will agree on is that we want
to follow our children's interests. So we've got that.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
You've got it right. When your kid is sitting in
the backseat literally three weeks after season's finished and they're
asking you when the next season is.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, oh, when you're saying, hey, it's time to go,
and they say, I know, I'm already in the car
waiting because they're excited for it. They're dressed, they're ready
to go. So we've got one of our kids doing acro.
I don't even know what acro actually is, but I
drop her off every week and she loves it so much,
like she just loves it. And I never really wanted
(08:30):
to have a child doing whatever this acro thing is.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
And it's called acrobatics. Mayni.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Yeah, I know what it is, but I don't really
I don't get it. I don't actually get it.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
She's on the silks, and she's on lyra, and she's
on the hoop and she is in heaven. Yeah. Yeah,
doesn't have a clue what she's doing at this point.
She literally has done twelve weeks. But there was a
demonstration in the shopping center the other day when we
went to buy our school shoes and it just stopped
her in the tracks. Yeah, these girls are amazing what
they can do. And I just sat and I thought,
(09:00):
if that was my kid, I would be so impressed.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Whereas swimming. I mean, we are dragging these kids out
the door and saying you need to get in the car,
you need to swim. We live near the beach, we
spend time at the ocean. Swimming is compulsory and they're like,
no bird, swim like it's a It's such hard work
to get them doing that.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
It didn't used to be, but unfortunately because of the
moves that we've had, we haven't had consistency with the coach.
It makes such a difference.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So that brings me on next point, and that is relationships.
Relationships really matter. So you don't just follow your kids' interests,
but you also follow their relationships. If all of their
friends are playing a sport, they're much more likely to
want to play that sport.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Well, Emily had no interest in a team sport whatsoever,
but one of her little friends was putting together a
team for oz tag and asked if Emily wanted to
join in, and Emily kind of shrugged his shoulder and said, yeah, okay.
But three weeks after season's over, she's like, Mum, when's
Ostag gone again? I really want to play. She's missing
the connection with her friends and she's missing the opportunity
(10:00):
to learn and grow. She knows that she's not particularly
good at it, she's only had one season, but she's
so excited about going back. Yes, and that is perfection
in my books.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Okay, great, So we've got to follow their interests, we've
got to follow the relationships. Let's change it up just
a little bit. What about when they want to quit?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
So this was really really hard for me on the
early days, especially when budgeting was so tight. It was
hard for me to recognize that we've just spent two
hundred and fifty dollars on their uniforms and their sign up,
and now they don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Do you remember when I was riding my bike on
the velodrome, I was competing, and our eldest daughter, Chanelle, said,
I want to ride with you. So we got her
involved in the club a little bit, and we went
out and we bought her a bike, and to buy
when you ride on the velodrome competitively, you can't just
ride any old bike. You have to have a track bike, which.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Can't be ridden any other way. It's only for the track.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
So this is a bike that has no brakes and
it's a bike that has a fixed gear. So if
the wheels are spinning, the pedals to spinning and you
can't stop unless you're just sort of pushing gently against
the pedals to slow it down until eventually you stop.
It's a specialized piece of bicycling equipment only for the velodrome.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
So went, now, you got to buy the Likra.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
You got to buy the Likera, got to buy the pedal,
like the shoes that clip into the pedals, and the
gloves and the helmet like. So we were poor UNI
students the time. I think I had spent maybe eleven
hundred twelve hundred dollars on setting her up, plus she
had to become a member of the club and all
that sort of stuff. It was a huge sacrifice to
get her recycling. But she was young, and she was
(11:33):
competing against maybe three or four other girls who had
all been cycling their dads had gotten the into cycling
at about the age of five, and they were.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
It wasn't a particularly big club, so she didn't have
anyone her age or at her level.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, yeah, she was like, she was the worst by
a mile. She was about half the speed of everyone else.
It was embarrassingly awfully horribly bad for her, and after
three or four weeks she said that I don't want
to do this anymore. And I remember just going, don't.
You've got to keep trying. You've got to practice, Like
the more you practice, the better you'll get, and soon
(12:06):
you'll be able to And I was doing all the
motivational talks and I was doing the big pump up speeches.
I was like, just come along for one more week,
Let's just give it one more go. And eventually we
were having major conflict over it, and within about six
weeks she was out. She was completely fully out. We
spent all that money and eventually we sold everything and
(12:26):
we got a good portion of the money back, but
not all of it. And it was a really expensive
and painful exercise. But sometimes you've just got to let
them work it out for themselves.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
In the early days, it was actually really really hard
to let them change their mind because of that financial outlay.
And for some families where you're stuck in that place
and it is it's really hard. But what we've recognized
as we have gotten to a much more comfortable position
financially firstly, but secondly, have alone so much as parents
(12:55):
through this process is that if we can work with
our children's in trists and their relationships and their skill
set their strengths, life is actually great. They enjoy life more,
there's more energy around everything that they're doing, and what
they bring back to us is better. And so sometimes
(13:18):
it can be really really frustrating to sign up and
then have them pull out. But you don't know what
you don't know. Our kids don't know that they're not
going to enjoy X, Y, and Z unless they give
it a go. And if we have the capacity to
allow them to actually experience and experiment, then they're better
(13:41):
for it.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
The last point that I want to make as we
wrap this up is every now and again, you'll have
a child who doesn't want to do something, and I
think that it's okay to push a little bit now
and then, even if they don't have the relationships or
the competence and skills, and they don't even necessarily have
the interest, and that's because of time, they will be grateful.
The case in point is music lessons. So at the moment,
(14:05):
we're dealing with a twelve year old who's saying, I
just don't want to do it. I don't want to
learn an instrument. I don't like this instrument. I don't
like that instrument. I don't enjoy it. I don't want
to be doing it at all. She's happy to sit
on the piano and bang out some chords and sing
at the top of a voice, but she doesn't want
to do the work. She doesn't want to exercise that
conscientiousness that's required to practice and learn the skill. She
(14:26):
doesn't want to literally do the work. And what I'm
finding in my conversation with her is I need you
to trust me on this. One day, I think you're
going to be really glad that you've persisted with it,
that you're stuck with it, and that you made it happen,
because one day you're going to be like your big
sister and you're going to be able to pick up
the guitar and go down to the street corner and
busk and make some money. Or you're gonna be able
(14:47):
to sit around with some friends and play the piano
and all singing. Or you'll be able to do these things,
and you'll be so grateful for that skill, for that capacity,
for that knowledge that you've accrued over the years, that
we've paid all that money for and so we've got
to tread carefully and we shouldn't be forcing our kids.
But I do think that there's an argument who made
so long as our motivations are right, we're not doing
(15:08):
it because it's about us and our ego. I think
that there's an argument to be made for encouraging kids
to persist at something that we know that they'll be
grateful for that they've expressed interest in and love for previously,
if we can just get the activity right.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
And I guess in line with that is an acknowledgment
that timing is really important. So Emily wanted to do gymnastics,
but she wanted to do it when she was about six,
and against all of our conversations and considerations around starting
children that early, recognizing that she's a ridiculously busy kid, yeah,
we decided we'd give it a go. And it was
(15:44):
a disaster. It was an absolute disaster. She lasted two
lessons and literally ran out there of the second lesson
screaming at the top of her lung saying, I hate this,
I'm never coming back.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
But two years.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Later, yeah, yeah, as an eight year old, rather than.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
And recognizing and learning more about her and how she works,
checking in and realizing that gymnastics is quite structured but
acro is not. And so I put her into ACRO
classes as an eight year old instead of a six
year old, less structure, and her body is just in heaven.
(16:20):
She is loving it. We go to the shopping center
and I have to stop her from doing handstand. She
cartwell's in the corridors of the shopping center.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
So now we've just got to work out what musical
instrument she's going to play, because she's old enough for that,
and I.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Think she really wants to play the violin.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Oh no, We really hope that this has been a
helpful podcast. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
and Rulin from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
The take home message get the kids involved in extracurricular
activities if you can afford and you've got the time,
But let their interests and their relationships be the motivation.
Push them now and then if you know better, but
please make sure it's not about your ego, Please make
(16:57):
sure it's really about them, and wait until old enough.
Can't wait to share more with you on The Happy
Families podcast tomorrow as we go back to an interview
from our Little People Big Feelings Conversation Our Summit I
Should Say, with Reenie Jane of Gozen Little Kids, Big Feelings.
If that's what you're struggling with, you don't want to
(17:17):
miss tomorrow's podcast episode and for more information, please visit
us at Happy families dot com Donau
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now, I think that there's an argument we made for
encouraging kids to persist at something that we know that
they'll be grateful for that they've expressed interest in and
love for previously. If we can just get the activity right.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
And now here's the scars of our show, My mum
and dad.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
Families dot com dot a U. Season two of Parental
Guidance coming soon to Channel nine. We can't wait to
share everything great about the brand new season of Parental
Guidance that's coming up. I mean with Kylie, my wife
and mum to our six children, our six daughters, Kylie.
As we start off the school year, parents are enrolling
(00:47):
their kids in all kinds of activities, extracurricular stuff. God
enrich them. Got to help them to have fancy and
fulfilled lives doing all those things that we know are
going to make such a difference in their lives and
their wellbeing. Sport, music, art, drama, all that kind of stuff.
And it's around about this time that we usually have
questions from parents who say, how do we how do
(01:08):
we get this right? Like? How many activities should they
be doing? And what if they don't want to do
the activity that we know that they should be doing,
or what if they start an activity that they really
want to do and they want to quit after they've
only been doing it for one or two weeks? How
do we figure this out? I thought that today would
be a good day to answer those questions. I think
I'm going to start with the first obvious one, how
(01:29):
many extracurricular activities should our kids be doing? I don't
know if you and I agree on this or not.
We seem to have a little bit of conflict in
our relationship about this one. What's your thought.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Some of the early days, we ca with this great plan. Well,
at least we thought it was great because we had
never done it, that the children would have two extracurriculars
each until you realize that six times two equals twelve.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
And that's a recipe for bankruptcy. That not only that,
an exhaustion.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Time poor, like how do you physic do it all?
And then you're dragging X amount of kids along to
watch one child explore and enjoy their experience. Well, everyone
else is moaning and groaning because the last thing they
want to do is sit in a waiting room.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So we decided that we're going to have the kids
do one musical instrument and one sport, and so we
chose swimming because we want the kids to be safe
in the water, and they could choose their musical instrument,
until we realized that was too hard, and so we
basically booked them all into swimming lessons on the same
day at the same time, which was brilliant, And we
booked them in for music lessons with the same teacher
one after the other, until we realized that doesn't work
(02:34):
very well at all. And then we had one child
that didn't really want to learn that instrument. She wanted
to learn something else. And we had kids that were
starting to get better at swimming because they were bigger
and older, and they had to go to the squad
instead of the swimming lessons, and it started to fall apart.
It got really really messy.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Well, and your way of seeing things is, if the
kids want to do it, let them do it well.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I want them to have enriching experiences, even if it's
going to break me financially well it's.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Breaking you financially but me physically because you're often not
home and I'm the one trying to navigate the challenges
of a very busy schedule.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And then that means that we come home late and
there's no dinner organized, and everyone's tired, and like, it's
really really hard to get this right. So for the
average parent who's only got one or two kids and
maybe three, I still think that the idea of having
them involved in one sporting activity for health and teamwork
and fitness and all that kind of stuff, I think
(03:31):
that's a really good thing to do. And I really
believe that getting them involved in some kind of art,
some kind of music, some sort of drumma, something creative, creative, Yeah,
I think there's value in that, because if you're going
to do a sport, it's usually quite structured. It doesn't
necessarily always lend itself to a whole lot of creativity
and a whole lot of strategic thinking. You get in
(03:52):
the pool and you swim as fast as you can,
or you get in the bike and you ride as
fast as you can, or you get on the field
and you run as fast as you can. And I
don't want to be too reduction. I know that some
people who are big sporting of Fishnado are going to
be upset about what I just said, But as a
general rule, I'm being fairly simplistic. Whereas when the kids
are learning music, they're learning to be creative there, or
if they're doing drama or art, they're expanding the repertoire of.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Using different sides of your brain different entirety.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Completely, So I reckon that that's a really good idea.
But we've got to go deeper than that. We've got
to explore other ways to help our kids to have
that enrichment and what is the right amount, how.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Are we supposed to do it?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
We also need to talk about when to start. I mean,
I talk to some parents who've got their kids into
tutoring and into different sports and maybe dancing or gymnastics
or whatever it might be from a really, really young age.
So I reckon, when it comes to kids and extracurricular activities,
there are some things that they want to start as
soon as possible for safety, such as swimming. So we
(04:53):
want to teach our kids to swim full stop, endo story.
But in terms of more organized kinds of sports and activities,
more structured activity. I don't think that there's really good
research evidence to support getting our kids involved in that
until they're at least eight, nine, maybe even ten years
of age, perhaps even a little bit older.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Again, and we've watched this time and time again every
now and again because we've got so many children. The
little kids have seen their big sisters involved in things
and want to get involved, and it's just never been
a positive experience while they're.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Young, right, So research on kids and competitiveness shows that
that's not in their best interests. So I think we
want to hold off on anything competitive for as long
as possible. I don't know. Some parents say, yeah, but
my kids are going to have the edge, they're going
to be so much better at it if they start younger. Again,
the research evidence doesn't support that they may develop a
reasonable level of competence. But if you get a kid
(05:41):
playing let's say ball sport from the age of eight,
and another kid starts at eleven, within a year or two,
that eleven year old will have caught up without any
problems at all. You look at someone like Roger Federer,
one of the.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Well it's life experience, right right, they're much better equipped
with their hand eye coordination. They're more physically developed and
have better strength and coordination. There's just there's so much
more available to them because they're actually older.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
And so speaking of the older thing, Federer's mum was
a tennis coach. He hated tennis. He didn't want to
play tennis. He wanted to be involved in all sorts
of other sports so long as it wasn't tennis. And
it wasn't until he was in his late teams that
he decided that he wanted to give tennis a shot.
And we all know how that turned out. He's essentially
the greatest tennis player in the history of the world.
A really really incredible phenomenon, Roger Federer, and he didn't
(06:34):
start until late. We have other incredible success stories like
Patrick Johnson, the sprinter who started in his twenties and
went on to win gold medals for Australia.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
So I think it comes down to motivation exactly. If
our children actually want to participate and want to do
well at something, then they're motivated to do it and
regardless of their age, they're going to move forward in
really positive and strong ways.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Okay, so let's do a quick stop down here and
just summarize what we've talked about. First off, in terms
of getting kids involved, yes, but wait until they're older,
especially for structured and competitive activities.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
So if you want to start saving from an.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Early number two in terms of how many activities, our
recommendation is that you do as many activities as you
can comfortably both afford from a time perspective and from
a financial perspective.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So we totally disagree on this, and I'm going to
say less is more.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Yeah, we do a disagree. I just want the kids
to do as many things as they can because they
want to do them. But you've got to be able
to afford it, and you've got to have the time
and capacity to run them around and get them to
all the places they're supposed to be. And that's a
little bit of a challenge.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
You spend your whole life in a car instead of
actually allowing them to just live their lives.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
The third thing that we're going to touch on that
I think we will agree on is that we want
to follow our children's interests. So we've got that.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
You've got it right. When your kid is sitting in
the backseat literally three weeks after season's finished and they're
asking you when the next season is.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yeah, oh, when you're saying, hey, it's time to go,
and they say, I know, I'm already in the car
waiting because they're excited for it. They're dressed, they're ready
to go. So we've got one of our kids doing acro.
I don't even know what acro actually is, but I
drop her off every week and she loves it so much,
like she just loves it. And I never really wanted
(08:30):
to have a child doing whatever this acro thing is.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
And it's called acrobatics. Mayni.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Yeah, I know what it is, but I don't really
I don't get it. I don't actually get it.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
She's on the silks, and she's on lyra, and she's
on the hoop and she is in heaven. Yeah. Yeah,
doesn't have a clue what she's doing at this point.
She literally has done twelve weeks. But there was a
demonstration in the shopping center the other day when we
went to buy our school shoes and it just stopped
her in the tracks. Yeah, these girls are amazing what
they can do. And I just sat and I thought,
(09:00):
if that was my kid, I would be so impressed.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Whereas swimming. I mean, we are dragging these kids out
the door and saying you need to get in the car,
you need to swim. We live near the beach, we
spend time at the ocean. Swimming is compulsory and they're like,
no bird, swim like it's a It's such hard work
to get them doing that.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
It didn't used to be, but unfortunately because of the
moves that we've had, we haven't had consistency with the coach.
It makes such a difference.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So that brings me on next point, and that is relationships.
Relationships really matter. So you don't just follow your kids' interests,
but you also follow their relationships. If all of their
friends are playing a sport, they're much more likely to
want to play that sport.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Well, Emily had no interest in a team sport whatsoever,
but one of her little friends was putting together a
team for oz tag and asked if Emily wanted to
join in, and Emily kind of shrugged his shoulder and said, yeah, okay.
But three weeks after season's over, she's like, Mum, when's
Ostag gone again? I really want to play. She's missing
the connection with her friends and she's missing the opportunity
(10:00):
to learn and grow. She knows that she's not particularly
good at it, she's only had one season, but she's
so excited about going back. Yes, and that is perfection
in my books.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Okay, great, So we've got to follow their interests, we've
got to follow the relationships. Let's change it up just
a little bit. What about when they want to quit?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
So this was really really hard for me on the
early days, especially when budgeting was so tight. It was
hard for me to recognize that we've just spent two
hundred and fifty dollars on their uniforms and their sign up,
and now they don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Do you remember when I was riding my bike on
the velodrome, I was competing, and our eldest daughter, Chanelle, said,
I want to ride with you. So we got her
involved in the club a little bit, and we went
out and we bought her a bike, and to buy
when you ride on the velodrome competitively, you can't just
ride any old bike. You have to have a track bike, which.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Can't be ridden any other way. It's only for the track.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
So this is a bike that has no brakes and
it's a bike that has a fixed gear. So if
the wheels are spinning, the pedals to spinning and you
can't stop unless you're just sort of pushing gently against
the pedals to slow it down until eventually you stop.
It's a specialized piece of bicycling equipment only for the velodrome.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
So went, now, you got to buy the Likra.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
You got to buy the Likera, got to buy the pedal,
like the shoes that clip into the pedals, and the
gloves and the helmet like. So we were poor UNI
students the time. I think I had spent maybe eleven
hundred twelve hundred dollars on setting her up, plus she
had to become a member of the club and all
that sort of stuff. It was a huge sacrifice to
get her recycling. But she was young, and she was
(11:33):
competing against maybe three or four other girls who had
all been cycling their dads had gotten the into cycling
at about the age of five, and they were.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
It wasn't a particularly big club, so she didn't have
anyone her age or at her level.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, yeah, she was like, she was the worst by
a mile. She was about half the speed of everyone else.
It was embarrassingly awfully horribly bad for her, and after
three or four weeks she said that I don't want
to do this anymore. And I remember just going, don't.
You've got to keep trying. You've got to practice, Like
the more you practice, the better you'll get, and soon
(12:06):
you'll be able to And I was doing all the
motivational talks and I was doing the big pump up speeches.
I was like, just come along for one more week,
Let's just give it one more go. And eventually we
were having major conflict over it, and within about six
weeks she was out. She was completely fully out. We
spent all that money and eventually we sold everything and
(12:26):
we got a good portion of the money back, but
not all of it. And it was a really expensive
and painful exercise. But sometimes you've just got to let
them work it out for themselves.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
In the early days, it was actually really really hard
to let them change their mind because of that financial outlay.
And for some families where you're stuck in that place
and it is it's really hard. But what we've recognized
as we have gotten to a much more comfortable position
financially firstly, but secondly, have alone so much as parents
(12:55):
through this process is that if we can work with
our children's in trists and their relationships and their skill
set their strengths, life is actually great. They enjoy life more,
there's more energy around everything that they're doing, and what
they bring back to us is better. And so sometimes
(13:18):
it can be really really frustrating to sign up and
then have them pull out. But you don't know what
you don't know. Our kids don't know that they're not
going to enjoy X, Y, and Z unless they give
it a go. And if we have the capacity to
allow them to actually experience and experiment, then they're better
(13:41):
for it.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
The last point that I want to make as we
wrap this up is every now and again, you'll have
a child who doesn't want to do something, and I
think that it's okay to push a little bit now
and then, even if they don't have the relationships or
the competence and skills, and they don't even necessarily have
the interest, and that's because of time, they will be grateful.
The case in point is music lessons. So at the moment,
(14:05):
we're dealing with a twelve year old who's saying, I
just don't want to do it. I don't want to
learn an instrument. I don't like this instrument. I don't
like that instrument. I don't enjoy it. I don't want
to be doing it at all. She's happy to sit
on the piano and bang out some chords and sing
at the top of a voice, but she doesn't want
to do the work. She doesn't want to exercise that
conscientiousness that's required to practice and learn the skill. She
(14:26):
doesn't want to literally do the work. And what I'm
finding in my conversation with her is I need you
to trust me on this. One day, I think you're
going to be really glad that you've persisted with it,
that you're stuck with it, and that you made it happen,
because one day you're going to be like your big
sister and you're going to be able to pick up
the guitar and go down to the street corner and
busk and make some money. Or you're gonna be able
(14:47):
to sit around with some friends and play the piano
and all singing. Or you'll be able to do these things,
and you'll be so grateful for that skill, for that capacity,
for that knowledge that you've accrued over the years, that
we've paid all that money for and so we've got
to tread carefully and we shouldn't be forcing our kids.
But I do think that there's an argument who made
so long as our motivations are right, we're not doing
(15:08):
it because it's about us and our ego. I think
that there's an argument to be made for encouraging kids
to persist at something that we know that they'll be
grateful for that they've expressed interest in and love for previously,
if we can just get the activity right.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
And I guess in line with that is an acknowledgment
that timing is really important. So Emily wanted to do gymnastics,
but she wanted to do it when she was about six,
and against all of our conversations and considerations around starting
children that early, recognizing that she's a ridiculously busy kid, yeah,
we decided we'd give it a go. And it was
(15:44):
a disaster. It was an absolute disaster. She lasted two
lessons and literally ran out there of the second lesson
screaming at the top of her lung saying, I hate this,
I'm never coming back.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
But two years.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Later, yeah, yeah, as an eight year old, rather than.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
And recognizing and learning more about her and how she works,
checking in and realizing that gymnastics is quite structured but
acro is not. And so I put her into ACRO
classes as an eight year old instead of a six
year old, less structure, and her body is just in heaven.
(16:20):
She is loving it. We go to the shopping center
and I have to stop her from doing handstand. She
cartwell's in the corridors of the shopping center.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
So now we've just got to work out what musical
instrument she's going to play, because she's old enough for that,
and I.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Think she really wants to play the violin.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Oh no, We really hope that this has been a
helpful podcast. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
and Rulin from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
The take home message get the kids involved in extracurricular
activities if you can afford and you've got the time,
But let their interests and their relationships be the motivation.
Push them now and then if you know better, but
please make sure it's not about your ego, Please make
(16:57):
sure it's really about them, and wait until old enough.
Can't wait to share more with you on The Happy
Families podcast tomorrow as we go back to an interview
from our Little People Big Feelings Conversation Our Summit I
Should Say, with Reenie Jane of Gozen Little Kids, Big Feelings.
If that's what you're struggling with, you don't want to
(17:17):
miss tomorrow's podcast episode and for more information, please visit
us at Happy families dot com Donau
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