April 29, 2024 • 15 mins
A listener wants to know how to help her friend, a single mum to an increasingly difficult 10-year-old boy. Plus, three things you can do to survive your child’s big and embarrassing public meltdown!
In this episode:
- Single parenting
- Supporting other parents
- Aggressive child
- Emotional regulation
- Psychological help
- It takes a village!
- 2-parent privilege
- Travelling with kids
- HALTS
- How to say no with compassion and kindness
Helpful Links:
- Developmental Milestones [Part 4: Middle Childhood]
- Can We Please Talk About Boys?
- #649 Bringing Up Boys With Dr Arne Rubinstein
- The Secret to Regulating Emotions
- What is the Best Way to Say ‘No!’ To Your Kids?
Leave a voice memo here or email your questions/comments to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
Find out more about joining THE QUEST at our website
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers. Now today,
I'm a Happy Families podcast answering your questions. Happy families
dot com dot au is where you go to come
the podcast link and then just press the button. Easy
to use, start talking and you can send messages through
just like this one.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Hi, Justin and Kylie, I love your podcast. I am
a longtime listener and this is actually for my friend.
My friend is a single mum and has been since pregnancy.
Her son is ten years old who has started suddenly
being aggressive and disrespectful. He is always angry with her
and doesn't listen. He does things and says things intentionary
(00:45):
to upset her. Because my friend is single, her wage
is going just to rent and food. Sometimes she can't
even afford the food. She has used all of her
free mental health sessions on her son, and she can't
afford the ongoing psychologist or even an assessment for his behavior.
She feels extremely stuck and is at the point of
which she's saying to me that she just wants to
call the police to take him away from her. For
(01:07):
the context, the child is no father in his life.
They've never met. The mother has had a handful of
relationships over the years, but nothing is stuck. He has
been raised by his mum and a family friend, and
his grandparents are not so much in the picture. He
has just changed schools this year, but he's doing well
at school, so it seems I just want to know
if you can tell me how best to support her
(01:27):
as a friend, and what services there are available for
those with a single income and who don't have the
ability to pay for these things. If there are any
tips you can give me to pass on to her
when this child is being erratic and violent and aggressive
when she's alone in the house with him, and how
to calm him down and to talk to him.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Thanks so much, Well, thanks so much Anonymous for sending
that message through ten years old wanting to call the
police feeling unsafe. I mean, this is a really, really
tough story, and it's totally unfair research around this boys
and single mums. There are just no easy wins here.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Now.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I know that a lot of people say we've got
to support diverse families, we've got to be encouraging about this,
and I totally agree with that, but the reality is Statistically,
this is just a really, really tough spot in Australia.
At the moment. Fifteen percent of Australian families are run
by single parents single parent households. Eighty percent of those
are single mums, So that pretty much means twelve percent
(02:27):
of Australian family households where there are dependents in the
home run by mum and Hilda surveys from just last year.
This Hilda is the household income and labor dynamics in Australia.
Survey November last year. Average income of a single parent
family in Australia thirty four thousand dollars. It's actually dropped
(02:49):
from thirty eight thousand a few years ago. Cost of living,
rent crisis, mental health challenges. I mean, how are you
supposed to pay for a psychologist under those circumstances is
just so hard. I think it's impossible. I don't know
how you're supposed to do it, certainly benefit by the
way I looked it up, nine hundred and eighty seven
dollars per fortnite for a single parent nine hundred and
eighty set. That's less than five hundred bucks a week,
(03:11):
and you're supposed to be show me somewhere where you
can rent for less than five hundred bucks a week
and still put food on the table, run a car,
and all that sort of thing. This is just a
really tough spot, So a handful of things that I'm
going to say. First off, when it comes to getting
psychological help, my first recommendation would be, don't worry about
getting psychological help for your sun. I'd be looking for it.
(03:32):
In terms of support for parenting, research shows pretty comprehensively
that when kids get psychological help, let's say on Tuesday
morning at nine thirty, and then they start to have
a meltdown on Friday afternoon at three point thirty or
five o'clock, they don't say, hmm, I should think back
to what my psychologists told me on Tuesday and implement that.
(03:53):
They just don't do it. They don't have the emotion regulation,
they don't have the frustration tolerance, they don't have the
delay gratification, they don't have the executive fun they don't
have the skills to be able to do that, whereas
for us as parents, we do. So what I would
be recommending when there's some funding available, when there's some
cash available, get mum help first she's going to get
(04:13):
more value learning effective parenting than he's going to get
being told that he needs to control his anger. That
doesn't mean that he doesn't need help. He really does,
but I don't think that psychological help is the help
that he needs. When I listen to this, what I
hear is good men need to be around this kid.
He doesn't have his dad in his life. Grandparents are
(04:35):
barely involved. There's no indication of other good men. So
I just love that you're a friend who wants to support.
I wish the government could do more, I really do,
but ultimately this is going to be an individual responsibility thing.
The government's too busy blowing multi billions of dollars on
desalination plants and billions of dollars on sporting stadiums, and
spending hundreds of millions of dollars in Victoria to not
(04:57):
host the Commonwealth Games that they said they would host.
The the government excess, I mean the billions of dollars
a year that they spend on advertising so that they
can tell everyone how good a job they're doing. We
can't rely on the government, and ndis finding that's blowing out.
It was supposed to cost sixteen bill. It's currently at
forty two billion, and it's going up, and unfortunately it's
not being used well. I know too many people that
(05:18):
work in NDIS systems, and these stories of excess and
the way that people are taking advantage of the system
when there are people who are so desperately in need
is just devastating. I know that many people are using
it the right way, and that's wonderful, that's what it's
there for. But there's just too much abuse of this system.
(05:39):
So if this is going to be an individual thing,
and that's kind of what you've said, right, I want
to be there. I want to be a supporting friend.
I just think that's wonderful. Here's how I think that
you can support Number one. There will be some services
that are available that could be helpful, but they differ
depending on which community you're in. The free services things
like Beyond Blue, Black Dog, that kind of stuff, they're
(06:01):
fairly general. I think we need some specific kinds of
health here, So that's the first thing i'd say. Beyond that,
here's what I think this little guy needs. He needs
families in their circle, families in their community to engage
with them as a family. So what am I talking
about here. I'm saying, maybe go on a picnic and
(06:22):
invite them. Get three or four or five families who
are all willing to say, Hey, one day a week,
let's have them over for a barbecue, or let's do
a games night, or let's do a picnic down at
the beach or down at the park. Let's keep this
kid socially engaged and give some support to mum as well.
It's going to make such a difference for her. If
you're part of a broader community. Maybe there's even the
capacity to drop a meal around spontaneously, or an uber voucher,
(06:46):
an uber eats voucher, just to lighten the load. Because
that financial load it's overwhelming. It's so hard to concentrate
on anything else. The second thing that I'd say, outside
of engaging with the family is keep this kid busy,
getting him in in sports, getting him involved in extracurricular activities.
Obviously there's a financial challenge here, but to the extent
(07:07):
that there are scholarships available, to the extent that there's
charity available, maybe somebody in the community is willing to say, hey,
I'm happy to fork out the two hundred and fifty
or four hundred bucks per term, so this kid can
stay off the streets and be wearing himself out, developing
competence and skills and making friends. This sort of thing
(07:27):
is going to make such a big difference for mum.
She gets a little bit of a lightning of the load,
but also for this kid as he gets to engage
in these activities and lastly recruit good man. He needs
to learn what it is to be a good man,
to learn how to help the people around him feel
stronger and safer. That's the essence of healthy masculinity. And
(07:49):
at the moment, I just don't think he's seeing it enough.
I wish I could off more. It's, like I said,
almost an impossible, unfair situation. And unfortunately we keep on
seeing that there is a to parent privilege. We can
talk about the importance of diversity in families and it is,
but ultimately the stats don't support this as being an
optimal way to raise a family. If that's where you are,
(08:10):
or my compassion, my heart goes out to you. But
this is a really tough job. All right, Let's take
a look at question number two.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I'm calling you regarding my son,
who's six year old, calling you from London, and we
are originally from Melbourne, but we have moved to London
about one and a half years ago. It's certainly a
big change for my little one. By this time, he's
completely adjusted to the new way of life. However, we've
been traveling extensively and I've noticed ever since my son
(08:43):
has turned six, he has shown signs of aggression or
you know, anger. More and more he realizes what anger is,
but he doesn't know what to do about it or
how to control it. And because we've been traveling a lot,
we've landed in very embarrassing situations. Sometimes, you know, when
(09:03):
we're at a dinner or maybe at a cruise or
at the airport and everyone's just looking at us, and
I have this shouting, yelling child who doesn't really know
how to control his anger or communicate what he wants
us to do to help him in that situation. I've
realizes that there are a couple of things that trigger it.
Of course, when he's tired or angry, hungry and thirsty.
(09:28):
I don't know how to stop him from believing that
he can get his way all the time, or he
can buy things all the time, but I really don't
know how to handle this situation, so I hope you
can help me. I love your show and thank you
for all the support that you provide for parents like us.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Well, good for you for packing up and having the
adventure of a lifetime heading off to London sounds amazing.
We do have a little bit of a challenge though,
because our kids they just rely on stability and predictability
so they can feel good about them world, and they
don't tend to respond too well to a whole lot
of upheaval. Having said that, if the travel is happening
(10:09):
with you, and you're there, and you're stable and you're predictable,
then he'll probably be okay. So a couple of things
about what to do when kids are having these big
emotional meltdowns when they're being really challenging. First off, emotion
regulation is something that develops over time. I know plenty
of adults that are still lousy, lousy at emotion regulation.
(10:29):
So it starts to develop somewhere around about the age
of let's say three. That's when kids start to realize,
hang on, I can use my emotions in effective ways
to do what needs to be done. Emotion regulation is
about expressing those emotions or keeping it together because I've
got something that I'm looking to achieve. So the first
thing to highlight here is emotion regulation develops on a continuum,
(10:52):
starts around about two or three, and by the time
kids are about nine, that's when they're getting good at
expressing or holding their emotion together, depending on what their
goals are. They know what's expected socially. They usually do
a lot better at it. Boys they develop a little
slower than girls, and so it may be a little
bit more than nine, but usually that's about the age.
(11:12):
Given that you're dealing with a six year old, what
you're describing is actually it's pretty normal. Kids are least
likely to be regulated when they're hungry, angry, lonely, tired,
or stress. Just remember the German police officer says, help
mean stop. It's really hard to stop your emotions when
you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stress like you
will power your self control, your ability to delay, gratification,
(11:35):
your frustration, tolerance, your executive function, they all take a
really big dip when those factors are they're hungry, angry, lonely,
tired and stressed. So what do you do? That's really
what the question is, what am I supposed to do
when these big emotions are happening. The first thing I
want to emphasize is compassion is important. Okay, we don't
want to be blowing up, we don't want to be
(11:56):
getting angry at the kids. But the second thing I
want to emphasize is that kids need to understand that
there are some things that are okay and some things
are not okay when it comes to their behavior, and
about the age of six, in fact, maybe a bit
before that, they can start to get that message loud
and clear. So there's a movement it's been around for
a long time now that kids should never hear no
(12:17):
in child care centers, for example, those who work in
early childcare are not supposed to say the word no
to kids. I think that's garbage. Honestly, I just think
that's rubbish. Kids have got to hear no. For the
rest of your life, you're going to hear no. It's
not that no is a problem, it's the way that
it's said. So give you a little guy a no
and say I love you, kiddo, But the answer is
(12:37):
no or wouldn't it be great if you could? When
you say to a child, don't you just wish? Wouldn't
it be great if you could, what you're really saying
is no, You're just saying, with a whole lot of
empathy and a whole lot of kindness, don't you just
wish we could buy that thing? Wouldn't it be great
if we could go over there and do what you
want to do?
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
That would just be amazing, wouldn't it. Guess what, No,
you're just saying it really nicely. So I call that
giving them in fantasy what they can't have in reality.
I don't think that it's healthy for kids to grow
up and not hear no, because I'll tell you what,
once they're six or eight, or ten or twelve and
they here no for the first time, they'll fall apart.
They've got to develop the ability to take no. In fact,
(13:13):
I think that the greater your ability to take no
and then keep on going and to persist becomes one
of the most important lifelong skills. So I wouldn't be
worrying about saying no. What I would be doing is
trying to work out how to say no in a
way that minimizes the reaction. But here's the thing. When
someone gets sold no, or when someone can't do something,
no matter how you say it, there's going to be disappointment,
there's going to be frustration. There's going to be potentially
(13:35):
an outburst, especially with a six year old boy. So
when that happens, let him be upset about it. Again,
it's not our job to protect our children from all
of those negative emotions. If it's not appropriate for him
to be doing something, then he can't do it, and
that's okay. You don't have to live into that emotion
with him. You don't have to magnify the emotion with him.
You don't have to talk about his feelings as simple
(13:57):
don't you just wish wouldn't it be great? Sorry, kiddo,
not going to happen today, That's all, and then let
it be. If you can be kind and gentle afterwards,
if you can be relatively nonplussed and unaffected by his
temper tantrum, he's going to get over it really fast.
The last thing I'll say is this, if he is
really upset, if this is really going on, just look
(14:18):
at him and say, hey, buddy, I know how upset
you are it really feels horrible when you don't get
to do what you want to do, and then offer
him a hug or offer him some space. Do you
want to hug, do you want to talk about it?
Or just want to do you just want to be
left alone? He'll let you know once he works through
a process that emotion, he'll be okay again. That's the process,
the whole pandering to our kids, becoming our children's therapists
(14:42):
making their emotions king. That's not helpful and that's not healthy.
It's not growing resilient kids. That big emotion that your
child's feeling. It's like a train going into a tunnel.
Some tunnels are long and dark and deep, but the
train always comes out at the other end of the tunnel.
Same goes here his emotion or subside. And if you
can be soft and kind and gentle as you say no,
(15:04):
and soft and kind and gentle when the train comes
out the other side, he'll be all right. Let me
restate the answer is no. Don't you wish you could?
Wouldn't it be great? Oh buddy, you're really upset. I
get it. Do you want to hug? Do you want
to talk? Or do you just want some space they're
Once things are calm, you can ask him if he
wants to talk about it or if you just want
to get on with life, and that should be all
you need to do. Thanks so much for your questions.
(15:25):
Happy families dot com dot you. Click on podcasts and
then push the button start talking and we'll get your voice.
Memo love answering your questions, Happy families dot com dot you.
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rowland for
Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
and fo about making your family happier, check us out
on TikTok, on Instagram or at Facebook doctor Justin Colson's
(15:48):
Happy Families
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers. Now today,
I'm a Happy Families podcast answering your questions. Happy families
dot com dot au is where you go to come
the podcast link and then just press the button. Easy
to use, start talking and you can send messages through
just like this one.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Hi, Justin and Kylie, I love your podcast. I am
a longtime listener and this is actually for my friend.
My friend is a single mum and has been since pregnancy.
Her son is ten years old who has started suddenly
being aggressive and disrespectful. He is always angry with her
and doesn't listen. He does things and says things intentionary
(00:45):
to upset her. Because my friend is single, her wage
is going just to rent and food. Sometimes she can't
even afford the food. She has used all of her
free mental health sessions on her son, and she can't
afford the ongoing psychologist or even an assessment for his behavior.
She feels extremely stuck and is at the point of
which she's saying to me that she just wants to
call the police to take him away from her. For
(01:07):
the context, the child is no father in his life.
They've never met. The mother has had a handful of
relationships over the years, but nothing is stuck. He has
been raised by his mum and a family friend, and
his grandparents are not so much in the picture. He
has just changed schools this year, but he's doing well
at school, so it seems I just want to know
if you can tell me how best to support her
(01:27):
as a friend, and what services there are available for
those with a single income and who don't have the
ability to pay for these things. If there are any
tips you can give me to pass on to her
when this child is being erratic and violent and aggressive
when she's alone in the house with him, and how
to calm him down and to talk to him.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Thanks so much, Well, thanks so much Anonymous for sending
that message through ten years old wanting to call the
police feeling unsafe. I mean, this is a really, really
tough story, and it's totally unfair research around this boys
and single mums. There are just no easy wins here.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Now.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I know that a lot of people say we've got
to support diverse families, we've got to be encouraging about this,
and I totally agree with that, but the reality is Statistically,
this is just a really, really tough spot in Australia.
At the moment. Fifteen percent of Australian families are run
by single parents single parent households. Eighty percent of those
are single mums, So that pretty much means twelve percent
(02:27):
of Australian family households where there are dependents in the
home run by mum and Hilda surveys from just last year.
This Hilda is the household income and labor dynamics in Australia.
Survey November last year. Average income of a single parent
family in Australia thirty four thousand dollars. It's actually dropped
(02:49):
from thirty eight thousand a few years ago. Cost of living,
rent crisis, mental health challenges. I mean, how are you
supposed to pay for a psychologist under those circumstances is
just so hard. I think it's impossible. I don't know
how you're supposed to do it, certainly benefit by the
way I looked it up, nine hundred and eighty seven
dollars per fortnite for a single parent nine hundred and
eighty set. That's less than five hundred bucks a week,
(03:11):
and you're supposed to be show me somewhere where you
can rent for less than five hundred bucks a week
and still put food on the table, run a car,
and all that sort of thing. This is just a
really tough spot, So a handful of things that I'm
going to say. First off, when it comes to getting
psychological help, my first recommendation would be, don't worry about
getting psychological help for your sun. I'd be looking for it.
(03:32):
In terms of support for parenting, research shows pretty comprehensively
that when kids get psychological help, let's say on Tuesday
morning at nine thirty, and then they start to have
a meltdown on Friday afternoon at three point thirty or
five o'clock, they don't say, hmm, I should think back
to what my psychologists told me on Tuesday and implement that.
(03:53):
They just don't do it. They don't have the emotion regulation,
they don't have the frustration tolerance, they don't have the
delay gratification, they don't have the executive fun they don't
have the skills to be able to do that, whereas
for us as parents, we do. So what I would
be recommending when there's some funding available, when there's some
cash available, get mum help first she's going to get
(04:13):
more value learning effective parenting than he's going to get
being told that he needs to control his anger. That
doesn't mean that he doesn't need help. He really does,
but I don't think that psychological help is the help
that he needs. When I listen to this, what I
hear is good men need to be around this kid.
He doesn't have his dad in his life. Grandparents are
(04:35):
barely involved. There's no indication of other good men. So
I just love that you're a friend who wants to support.
I wish the government could do more, I really do,
but ultimately this is going to be an individual responsibility thing.
The government's too busy blowing multi billions of dollars on
desalination plants and billions of dollars on sporting stadiums, and
spending hundreds of millions of dollars in Victoria to not
(04:57):
host the Commonwealth Games that they said they would host.
The the government excess, I mean the billions of dollars
a year that they spend on advertising so that they
can tell everyone how good a job they're doing. We
can't rely on the government, and ndis finding that's blowing out.
It was supposed to cost sixteen bill. It's currently at
forty two billion, and it's going up, and unfortunately it's
not being used well. I know too many people that
(05:18):
work in NDIS systems, and these stories of excess and
the way that people are taking advantage of the system
when there are people who are so desperately in need
is just devastating. I know that many people are using
it the right way, and that's wonderful, that's what it's
there for. But there's just too much abuse of this system.
(05:39):
So if this is going to be an individual thing,
and that's kind of what you've said, right, I want
to be there. I want to be a supporting friend.
I just think that's wonderful. Here's how I think that
you can support Number one. There will be some services
that are available that could be helpful, but they differ
depending on which community you're in. The free services things
like Beyond Blue, Black Dog, that kind of stuff, they're
(06:01):
fairly general. I think we need some specific kinds of
health here, So that's the first thing i'd say. Beyond that,
here's what I think this little guy needs. He needs
families in their circle, families in their community to engage
with them as a family. So what am I talking
about here. I'm saying, maybe go on a picnic and
(06:22):
invite them. Get three or four or five families who
are all willing to say, Hey, one day a week,
let's have them over for a barbecue, or let's do
a games night, or let's do a picnic down at
the beach or down at the park. Let's keep this
kid socially engaged and give some support to mum as well.
It's going to make such a difference for her. If
you're part of a broader community. Maybe there's even the
capacity to drop a meal around spontaneously, or an uber voucher,
(06:46):
an uber eats voucher, just to lighten the load. Because
that financial load it's overwhelming. It's so hard to concentrate
on anything else. The second thing that I'd say, outside
of engaging with the family is keep this kid busy,
getting him in in sports, getting him involved in extracurricular activities.
Obviously there's a financial challenge here, but to the extent
(07:07):
that there are scholarships available, to the extent that there's
charity available, maybe somebody in the community is willing to say, hey,
I'm happy to fork out the two hundred and fifty
or four hundred bucks per term, so this kid can
stay off the streets and be wearing himself out, developing
competence and skills and making friends. This sort of thing
(07:27):
is going to make such a big difference for mum.
She gets a little bit of a lightning of the load,
but also for this kid as he gets to engage
in these activities and lastly recruit good man. He needs
to learn what it is to be a good man,
to learn how to help the people around him feel
stronger and safer. That's the essence of healthy masculinity. And
(07:49):
at the moment, I just don't think he's seeing it enough.
I wish I could off more. It's, like I said,
almost an impossible, unfair situation. And unfortunately we keep on
seeing that there is a to parent privilege. We can
talk about the importance of diversity in families and it is,
but ultimately the stats don't support this as being an
optimal way to raise a family. If that's where you are,
(08:10):
or my compassion, my heart goes out to you. But
this is a really tough job. All right, Let's take
a look at question number two.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I'm calling you regarding my son,
who's six year old, calling you from London, and we
are originally from Melbourne, but we have moved to London
about one and a half years ago. It's certainly a
big change for my little one. By this time, he's
completely adjusted to the new way of life. However, we've
been traveling extensively and I've noticed ever since my son
(08:43):
has turned six, he has shown signs of aggression or
you know, anger. More and more he realizes what anger is,
but he doesn't know what to do about it or
how to control it. And because we've been traveling a lot,
we've landed in very embarrassing situations. Sometimes, you know, when
(09:03):
we're at a dinner or maybe at a cruise or
at the airport and everyone's just looking at us, and
I have this shouting, yelling child who doesn't really know
how to control his anger or communicate what he wants
us to do to help him in that situation. I've
realizes that there are a couple of things that trigger it.
Of course, when he's tired or angry, hungry and thirsty.
(09:28):
I don't know how to stop him from believing that
he can get his way all the time, or he
can buy things all the time, but I really don't
know how to handle this situation, so I hope you
can help me. I love your show and thank you
for all the support that you provide for parents like us.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Well, good for you for packing up and having the
adventure of a lifetime heading off to London sounds amazing.
We do have a little bit of a challenge though,
because our kids they just rely on stability and predictability
so they can feel good about them world, and they
don't tend to respond too well to a whole lot
of upheaval. Having said that, if the travel is happening
(10:09):
with you, and you're there, and you're stable and you're predictable,
then he'll probably be okay. So a couple of things
about what to do when kids are having these big
emotional meltdowns when they're being really challenging. First off, emotion
regulation is something that develops over time. I know plenty
of adults that are still lousy, lousy at emotion regulation.
(10:29):
So it starts to develop somewhere around about the age
of let's say three. That's when kids start to realize,
hang on, I can use my emotions in effective ways
to do what needs to be done. Emotion regulation is
about expressing those emotions or keeping it together because I've
got something that I'm looking to achieve. So the first
thing to highlight here is emotion regulation develops on a continuum,
(10:52):
starts around about two or three, and by the time
kids are about nine, that's when they're getting good at
expressing or holding their emotion together, depending on what their
goals are. They know what's expected socially. They usually do
a lot better at it. Boys they develop a little
slower than girls, and so it may be a little
bit more than nine, but usually that's about the age.
(11:12):
Given that you're dealing with a six year old, what
you're describing is actually it's pretty normal. Kids are least
likely to be regulated when they're hungry, angry, lonely, tired,
or stress. Just remember the German police officer says, help
mean stop. It's really hard to stop your emotions when
you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stress like you
will power your self control, your ability to delay, gratification,
(11:35):
your frustration, tolerance, your executive function, they all take a
really big dip when those factors are they're hungry, angry, lonely,
tired and stressed. So what do you do? That's really
what the question is, what am I supposed to do
when these big emotions are happening. The first thing I
want to emphasize is compassion is important. Okay, we don't
want to be blowing up, we don't want to be
(11:56):
getting angry at the kids. But the second thing I
want to emphasize is that kids need to understand that
there are some things that are okay and some things
are not okay when it comes to their behavior, and
about the age of six, in fact, maybe a bit
before that, they can start to get that message loud
and clear. So there's a movement it's been around for
a long time now that kids should never hear no
(12:17):
in child care centers, for example, those who work in
early childcare are not supposed to say the word no
to kids. I think that's garbage. Honestly, I just think
that's rubbish. Kids have got to hear no. For the
rest of your life, you're going to hear no. It's
not that no is a problem, it's the way that
it's said. So give you a little guy a no
and say I love you, kiddo, But the answer is
(12:37):
no or wouldn't it be great if you could? When
you say to a child, don't you just wish? Wouldn't
it be great if you could, what you're really saying
is no, You're just saying, with a whole lot of
empathy and a whole lot of kindness, don't you just
wish we could buy that thing? Wouldn't it be great
if we could go over there and do what you
want to do?
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
That would just be amazing, wouldn't it. Guess what, No,
you're just saying it really nicely. So I call that
giving them in fantasy what they can't have in reality.
I don't think that it's healthy for kids to grow
up and not hear no, because I'll tell you what,
once they're six or eight, or ten or twelve and
they here no for the first time, they'll fall apart.
They've got to develop the ability to take no. In fact,
(13:13):
I think that the greater your ability to take no
and then keep on going and to persist becomes one
of the most important lifelong skills. So I wouldn't be
worrying about saying no. What I would be doing is
trying to work out how to say no in a
way that minimizes the reaction. But here's the thing. When
someone gets sold no, or when someone can't do something,
no matter how you say it, there's going to be disappointment,
there's going to be frustration. There's going to be potentially
(13:35):
an outburst, especially with a six year old boy. So
when that happens, let him be upset about it. Again,
it's not our job to protect our children from all
of those negative emotions. If it's not appropriate for him
to be doing something, then he can't do it, and
that's okay. You don't have to live into that emotion
with him. You don't have to magnify the emotion with him.
You don't have to talk about his feelings as simple
(13:57):
don't you just wish wouldn't it be great? Sorry, kiddo,
not going to happen today, That's all, and then let
it be. If you can be kind and gentle afterwards,
if you can be relatively nonplussed and unaffected by his
temper tantrum, he's going to get over it really fast.
The last thing I'll say is this, if he is
really upset, if this is really going on, just look
(14:18):
at him and say, hey, buddy, I know how upset
you are it really feels horrible when you don't get
to do what you want to do, and then offer
him a hug or offer him some space. Do you
want to hug, do you want to talk about it?
Or just want to do you just want to be
left alone? He'll let you know once he works through
a process that emotion, he'll be okay again. That's the process,
the whole pandering to our kids, becoming our children's therapists
(14:42):
making their emotions king. That's not helpful and that's not healthy.
It's not growing resilient kids. That big emotion that your
child's feeling. It's like a train going into a tunnel.
Some tunnels are long and dark and deep, but the
train always comes out at the other end of the tunnel.
Same goes here his emotion or subside. And if you
can be soft and kind and gentle as you say no,
(15:04):
and soft and kind and gentle when the train comes
out the other side, he'll be all right. Let me
restate the answer is no. Don't you wish you could?
Wouldn't it be great? Oh buddy, you're really upset. I
get it. Do you want to hug? Do you want
to talk? Or do you just want some space they're
Once things are calm, you can ask him if he
wants to talk about it or if you just want
to get on with life, and that should be all
you need to do. Thanks so much for your questions.
(15:25):
Happy families dot com dot you. Click on podcasts and
then push the button start talking and we'll get your voice.
Memo love answering your questions, Happy families dot com dot you.
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rowland for
Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
and fo about making your family happier, check us out
on TikTok, on Instagram or at Facebook doctor Justin Colson's
(15:48):
Happy Families
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