May 1, 2024 • 17 mins
If you are struggling to "keep the spark alive" with your loved one, you're not alone. Exhaustion, screen addiction, lack of time, resentment - all these issues (and more!) can lead to zero interest in nurturing intimacy. Today we share some surprising secrets to sustaining a strong sexual connection!
In this episode:
- Reasons for having zero interest in intimacy
- Connection and friendship
- Prioritising sex
- Slowing things down
- Female pleasure
- Book recommendations
Links:
- Nurturing Intimacy: Secrets to Sustaining Strong Sexual Connection – Happy Families
- Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski | The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
- She Comes First by Ian Kerner | The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Leave a voice memo here or email your questions/comments to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
Find out more about joining THE QUEST at our website
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, just before we dive into today's podcast, a quick
content warning. Today we will be talking about all things intimacy.
Well not all things, but a lot of things intimacy related.
The content of today's podcast is not for children. It's
for grown ups. So if you've got the kids in
the car or wherever you are, and you're listening, and
you usually listen to this podcast together, this is your
(00:30):
last chance to say, hang on, kids, this one's not
for you, because this one's just for the grown ups.
I'm a little bit nervous about this one, Kylie. Can
I tell you why? Because our son in law and
our daughter might be listening if they listen to the podcast,
and I know what we're going to be talking about today,
(00:52):
all right, so let's dive into it. Content warning is
taken care of. The question came through to podcasts at
Happy Families dot com dot au. We started a new segment.
It's called is it just Me? Is it just me?
And somebody sent you on is it just me?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
For us?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
They said, is it just me? Or am I the
only one who has zero interest? In being intimate with
my partner. Is it just me or are other people
feeling the same way.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
I remember, not long after we'd had baby number three.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Just be careful with what you say here. I'm really
nervous about whether this's going to go.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Walking into the doctor's office and said, I don't think
I care if I ever have sex again.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm glad that changed clearly. We had three more kids,
so it did. I said, there.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Must be something wrong with me. He didn't even take
it up. We didn't even have a conversation about it.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Just move on next thing. So a quick experience that
I had. I was running a presentation in Sydney many
years ago. I was at a private girls school talking
to a group of well being stuff. We were doing
a wellbeing session and I was talking about some science
that shows that when you are mindful and thinking about
what you're doing, your happiness levels are higher. When you're
(01:59):
not mindful, that is, when you're thinking about something other
than what you're doing, your happiness levels, your well being
levels are lower. And there was a research paper that
was published in the highly prestigious journal Nature and the
number one thing, the number one thing on the list
highlighting what people are doing and thinking about it at
the same time, so therefore they're feeling happy. Was And
then I stopped and looked at the group of people
(02:19):
in front of me and said, well, what do you
think the answer is. I listened to this half a
dozen or this dozen strong group of women as they
came up with every answer they possibly could, trying to
work out what it is that you do and think
about it while you're doing the same things. Like eating,
I'm like, no, people don't think about what they're eating.
They just put food in their face. Exercising like, no,
(02:40):
people often think about anything except the exercise because it hurts.
They kept on coming up with somebody said sleeping. I'm like,
nobody's thinking about anything when they're sleeping.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
The one thing they wouldn't say was sex. They wouldn't
say intimacy. And when I finally told them that was
the answer that was top of the list, most of
them scoffed. They did the full on the guff or
the kind of thing like they just couldn't imagine that
that was really the number one thing.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
But it was.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So we've asked the question on Facebook, is it just me?
Or am I the only one who has zero interest
in being intimate with my partner. So we asked the
question on Facebook. We have used some voice actors for
some of the responses, and some of you sent us
your voice memos via the very easy to use button
(03:24):
at Happy Families dot com dot au. You just go
to the podcast page, click the button and start talking.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I loved Vanessa's response, she said.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Maybe hit weeds, but I can't relate to this at all.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
And a follow on from that was from Apollonios. She said,
my husband just has to look at me and I
want to jump his bones, So I can't relate five
kids aging from fifteen years to fifteen months, and we
run a business full time.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
What a great response, any bone jumping going, Let's not
go there. Danil was talking about the difficulty of finding
time for intimacy when you've got teenagers. Can so relate
right like once the kids start staying up later than you,
Oh my goodness, so frustrating. She was mentioning how difficult
it was, and the Happy Families team jumped in and said,
I reckon a solid could you leave us alone? Your
(04:07):
father and I trying to have sex should make the
team scarce.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
For a while.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Love the Happy Family's team and their sense of humor.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I have a close friend who actually tells her children
Sunday is sex day, so leave us alone.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't know if I've heard that story in launch.
I feel about it. I guess if it gets anyway,
let's move on. Linda from the UK said this is
a real thing and it could be for the following reasons.
Number one, we just went through a pandemic and we're
fearing World War iie, so there's just the whole there's
a bit of stuff going on. Number two, Also, there
are global economic crises which have increased inflation and created
(04:48):
more stressing couples. So I think that's more likely than
the first one, just the stress in couples. Number three
pornography addiction for some men, which creates contempt and resentment
from their wives for having to have them as their partner.
Received a number of private emails people just email as
podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au, emphasizing how
big of an issue explicit content online is. Number four,
(05:12):
screen addiction, which creates mental overload on top of the
most overloader generation. Now, I would add to what Lindida
has said here just being on your phone, because when
you're on your phone, you're kind of sending this signal
to everybody else that the phone's more important, and therefore
you're not willing to engage with them. That is an
intimacy killer. I had it when I come into the
bedroom and you're on the phone, and I know you
feel the same way when you walk into the room
(05:34):
and I'm on my device. Whereas when that phone is
down and you have eye contact and you look at
each other and smile and say, how about it, There's
just something different right. Number five raising children without a village,
which is a deviation from how humans were raised in
the past. Number six, All of the can impact mental health,
and there was a whole lot more that Lindida from
(05:55):
the UK through and there. I think that all reasonable,
some of them much more than others. It's tough when
there's so much going on that takes up your cognitive
headspace and doesn't allow you to step into the intimate zone.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Eliza said, I feel like a lot of women need
to be wooed in order to feel in the mood
for intimacy. There are so many things on our to
do list, and we struggle to compartmentalize. If there are
things to do on the list, then I can imagine
some may struggle to start another task or to relax
to enjoy time together. If my list is done, my
mind is quiet, and it's easier to relax and enjoy intimacy.
(06:32):
If hubby contributes to my to do list, it's even
easier to relax and enjoy that intimacy.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
There is something about that, isn't there. I hear it
all the time. Notice the responses that we've had have
one hundred percent all been from women. There were only
two men who jumped on. Both of them, well, both
of them didn't do the best job in what they said,
and one guy in particular really created a bit of
a storm. His name was Jace Jays. Jumped in there
(07:00):
and said or.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Reading a lot of the comments from women that complain
about housework stress, being tired, the men not being a
mind read, etcetera, etcetera. It's all these cop outs. Start
looking for the reasons why it should be happening, not
justifying the reason it's not. Look after him, ladies, or
you'll kill your marriage, that simple ouch.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
I can see why that wasn't necessarily the most popular response,
and our last one I wanted to share is actually
from Kylie. She said, oh boy, can definitely relate. Menopause
has finished off my already struggling libido.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Did you just say, Kylie? I hang, I know it's
not you because not going to say anything about menopause yet.
But you're not there yet. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
My husband is pretty understanding, but it's something else to
feel guilty about, because physical intimacy just feels like something
else on my to do list nowadays. I miss the
old me and I hope I come back at some stage.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Oh boy, So many many comments that we haven't really
talked about. The cognitive load, the fact that women are very,
very tired doing so much around the house and often
feel like they have to be the mother not only
to their children but also to their husband. And when
they move into the bedroom, they don't want to continue
(08:15):
to feel like their mum. They want to feel like
something else. But quite often they're so tired that they
just their head hits the pillow and it's all over.
Lots of conversations around perimenopause, menopause and just so much
to do, sheer exhaustion getting in the way. We are
not sex therapists, but we have some ideas that we
(08:37):
think might be helpful. If you're worried that it is
just you and that you're not getting enough noggy, you're
not getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom,
let's dive into it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
According to Emily Knagoski, author of Come As You Are.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
One of your favorite books in history, and it's a
good book. Hey, I liked it as well. You've got
me reading it, and I mean I already knew it
all you at all.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Science taught justin that there are three essential characteristics of
couples who sustain a connection over the long term. And
none of them were the characteristics you might have guessed.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Interestingly, not really about cognitive load, certainly not about global
warming or World War three or any of that sort
of stuff. The three characteristics are number one. If you
want to sustain a strong sexual connection, you've got to
like each other. Like no, I know that sounds really obvious,
but you've you got to look at that person and
think you really mattered to me. I want to prioritize
(09:34):
you and trust you. I admire you. You're the kind
of person that I would like to share this intimate
experience with So.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
I'm going to go a little bit further. The girls
were asking me the other day to kind of just
retell our story how we.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Met, and all the girls has in our daughters.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, And as I was talking to them, I shared
with them how it felt the day we got married.
I remember waking up that morning and just being so excited.
There was no anxiety, there was no concern about whether
I was making the right choice or not. I was
just so excited that today I was going to be
(10:11):
making a commitment to spend the rest of my life
with my very best friend. And over the years, we've
both shared that we had that exact same feeling.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
I had that conversation with my best man as we
were driving to the wedding venue.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
And I think for anyone who chooses to spend a
lifetime with someone, we've had those experiences. We've had that
feeling of wanting to spend a lifetime together, but the
next step is actually choosing them every single day.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, And just on that, I can't tell you how
many people that I've spoken to who just have this
sort of simmering underbelly of resentment towards their spouse or partner.
They feel like they're taken for granted, they feel like
they do the line's share of the work, they carry
the majority of the load. They do this, they do that,
and the other person never does this or never does that.
There's sort of like this white anting of the relationship.
You have to love each other, like really really want
(11:06):
to be with each other. That friendship, the quality of
the relationship, the trust, the admiration, the feelings of we're
better when we're together, those kinds of feelings have got
to come first. You're not going to prioritize any kind
of intimacy if you don't feel that way about each other.
So if you're listening to this podcast and you don't
feel like that, it's time to do some work on
(11:27):
the relationship. It's time to rebuild the connection. Connection means
feeling seen, hurt and valued. So find ways that you
can see and hear and value each other again and
get that get that going, because oh my goodness, it's
so good when you do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
It's not one person's job. It's not your husband's job,
it's not your partner's job. We both have to take
responsibility for that connection.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, here's the second thing. In addition to liking each
other and being friends. The couples who sustain strong sexual
connections prioritize sex like they actually decide that it matters
for their relationship, and they find opportunities to have that
physical intimacy together. It might not always be inter course,
it might be any number of other forms of physical
(12:07):
closeness and intimacy, but they absolutely prioritize it. They make
sure that they make time to get it on.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I think about the enormity of the task of being
a parent, you're going.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
To say, and the normaty is something else for a second.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
And how much effort we go to to be the
very best we can for our children. And yet in
a handful of years, your children are going to leave
the nest and you're going to be stuck with the
other person that's left in the house.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I remember Huey Lewis used to sing, I'm happy to
be stuck with you, and I mean, I just I
can't think of anything better than being stuck with you.
That would be my dream, that's my ultimate fantess. Anyway,
carry on. But it's the prioritization, right, the prioritization of
the intimacy in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Well, and I think when you kind of do an
inventory of your life and your relationships, where are you
putting most of the energy. Is it into your children
and building those relationships to the detriment of your marriage
or relationship, or are you finding avenues to actually give
priority to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Okay, here's the third one. Instead of accepting other people's
opinions about how they're supposed to do sex in their partnership,
the people who have genuinely strong sexual connection prioritize what's
genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.
So they're not looking at the articles on news dot
com dot are you that tell you how many times
the average person does this or does that, or it's
(13:40):
just not relevant. What you focused on is what works
in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And that means being able to have open dialogue and
communication with each other.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Yes, that's where the healthy conversation comes in. Now, we
also need to acknowledge sometimes you're not interested and it's
got nothing to do with you or or your partner.
This could be a medical issue, or it could be
a psychological issue, so it's important that you go and
get help. If that's the case we're out of time.
So there are two other things that I've learned from
(14:11):
that book comes you up by Emily and de Gooski.
I want to share them and any men who are listening,
this is especially for you. Number one, you need to
understand the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Most
men tend to be spontaneously desirous. That they see something
that they like and they become desirous of that thing.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And as a society we have been, i want to say,
brainwashed to think that spontaneous desire is the only way
to have a fulfilling, loving relationship, right.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Because that's the whole Hollywood trope, and it's also completely
what pornography is about as well. There's something else though,
that's called responsive desire, and that's the desire that builds
over time when you feel seen, hurt and valued, when
you feel like somebody cares about you, they're trying to
build trust with you. That responsive desire is the thing
where maybe right now I'm not feeling like it, but
(15:03):
in ten or fifteen or twenty minutes or thirty minutes
of cuddling and talking and feeling loved, I might start
to feel like it my body or my psyche starts
to respond. Difference between responsiveness and spontaneity when it comes
to desire is huge. The other thing that I think
is critically important here is men are ready to go
in I don't know, anywhere between ten seconds and two minutes,
(15:26):
whereas for women, there's some pretty strong evidence that indicates
a good forty minutes minimum to get things warmed up
and humming so that we can have a high level
of a highly pleasurable experience. So men, don't rush it,
don't rush it at all. The second point that I
want to make is that you've got to emphasize female pleasure.
(15:47):
It's not about you. And if you emphasize female pleasure,
you are going to have a good time guaranteed. Like
you're going to have a good time anyway, but if
you emphasize female pleasure, then you're your wife is going
to have a great time, which means that you're guaranteed
to have a good time because you'll be glad that
she had a good time, which makes your time even better.
(16:08):
Is what I'm trying to say. So I don't want
to have share, but I'm just going to say this.
I have two rules when it comes to our relationship
and the opportunity that we have to be together when
the kids aren't banging on the door or whatever it is.
Rule number one, slow things down. And rule number two
it's not about me. And I've found that those two
rules have served I was going to say me served us. Well,
(16:30):
you're just looking at me and blushing right now. Should
I have not shared.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
That I only have one rule, right let's be in
the moment.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
What a great rule, What a great rule.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
We hope that this has been a compelling podcast for you.
We hope that it's given you a few ideas to
reinvigorate your love life and hopefully make your family happier.
Thank you so much, Justin Roland from Bridge Media, who
is our podcast producer. Also a big thanks to Craig Bruce,
our executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,
visit happy families dot com dot e
It's the Happy Families podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, just before we dive into today's podcast, a quick
content warning. Today we will be talking about all things intimacy.
Well not all things, but a lot of things intimacy related.
The content of today's podcast is not for children. It's
for grown ups. So if you've got the kids in
the car or wherever you are, and you're listening, and
you usually listen to this podcast together, this is your
(00:30):
last chance to say, hang on, kids, this one's not
for you, because this one's just for the grown ups.
I'm a little bit nervous about this one, Kylie. Can
I tell you why? Because our son in law and
our daughter might be listening if they listen to the podcast,
and I know what we're going to be talking about today,
(00:52):
all right, so let's dive into it. Content warning is
taken care of. The question came through to podcasts at
Happy Families dot com dot au. We started a new segment.
It's called is it just Me? Is it just me?
And somebody sent you on is it just me?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
For us?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
They said, is it just me? Or am I the
only one who has zero interest? In being intimate with
my partner. Is it just me or are other people
feeling the same way.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
I remember, not long after we'd had baby number three.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Just be careful with what you say here. I'm really
nervous about whether this's going to go.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Walking into the doctor's office and said, I don't think
I care if I ever have sex again.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm glad that changed clearly. We had three more kids,
so it did. I said, there.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Must be something wrong with me. He didn't even take
it up. We didn't even have a conversation about it.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Just move on next thing. So a quick experience that
I had. I was running a presentation in Sydney many
years ago. I was at a private girls school talking
to a group of well being stuff. We were doing
a wellbeing session and I was talking about some science
that shows that when you are mindful and thinking about
what you're doing, your happiness levels are higher. When you're
(01:59):
not mindful, that is, when you're thinking about something other
than what you're doing, your happiness levels, your well being
levels are lower. And there was a research paper that
was published in the highly prestigious journal Nature and the
number one thing, the number one thing on the list
highlighting what people are doing and thinking about it at
the same time, so therefore they're feeling happy. Was And
then I stopped and looked at the group of people
(02:19):
in front of me and said, well, what do you
think the answer is. I listened to this half a
dozen or this dozen strong group of women as they
came up with every answer they possibly could, trying to
work out what it is that you do and think
about it while you're doing the same things. Like eating,
I'm like, no, people don't think about what they're eating.
They just put food in their face. Exercising like, no,
(02:40):
people often think about anything except the exercise because it hurts.
They kept on coming up with somebody said sleeping. I'm like,
nobody's thinking about anything when they're sleeping.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
The one thing they wouldn't say was sex. They wouldn't
say intimacy. And when I finally told them that was
the answer that was top of the list, most of
them scoffed. They did the full on the guff or
the kind of thing like they just couldn't imagine that
that was really the number one thing.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
But it was.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So we've asked the question on Facebook, is it just me?
Or am I the only one who has zero interest
in being intimate with my partner. So we asked the
question on Facebook. We have used some voice actors for
some of the responses, and some of you sent us
your voice memos via the very easy to use button
(03:24):
at Happy Families dot com dot au. You just go
to the podcast page, click the button and start talking.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I loved Vanessa's response, she said.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Maybe hit weeds, but I can't relate to this at all.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
And a follow on from that was from Apollonios. She said,
my husband just has to look at me and I
want to jump his bones, So I can't relate five
kids aging from fifteen years to fifteen months, and we
run a business full time.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
What a great response, any bone jumping going, Let's not
go there. Danil was talking about the difficulty of finding
time for intimacy when you've got teenagers. Can so relate
right like once the kids start staying up later than you,
Oh my goodness, so frustrating. She was mentioning how difficult
it was, and the Happy Families team jumped in and said,
I reckon a solid could you leave us alone? Your
(04:07):
father and I trying to have sex should make the
team scarce.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
For a while.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Love the Happy Family's team and their sense of humor.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I have a close friend who actually tells her children
Sunday is sex day, so leave us alone.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't know if I've heard that story in launch.
I feel about it. I guess if it gets anyway,
let's move on. Linda from the UK said this is
a real thing and it could be for the following reasons.
Number one, we just went through a pandemic and we're
fearing World War iie, so there's just the whole there's
a bit of stuff going on. Number two, Also, there
are global economic crises which have increased inflation and created
(04:48):
more stressing couples. So I think that's more likely than
the first one, just the stress in couples. Number three
pornography addiction for some men, which creates contempt and resentment
from their wives for having to have them as their partner.
Received a number of private emails people just email as
podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au, emphasizing how
big of an issue explicit content online is. Number four,
(05:12):
screen addiction, which creates mental overload on top of the
most overloader generation. Now, I would add to what Lindida
has said here just being on your phone, because when
you're on your phone, you're kind of sending this signal
to everybody else that the phone's more important, and therefore
you're not willing to engage with them. That is an
intimacy killer. I had it when I come into the
bedroom and you're on the phone, and I know you
feel the same way when you walk into the room
(05:34):
and I'm on my device. Whereas when that phone is
down and you have eye contact and you look at
each other and smile and say, how about it, There's
just something different right. Number five raising children without a village,
which is a deviation from how humans were raised in
the past. Number six, All of the can impact mental health,
and there was a whole lot more that Lindida from
(05:55):
the UK through and there. I think that all reasonable,
some of them much more than others. It's tough when
there's so much going on that takes up your cognitive
headspace and doesn't allow you to step into the intimate zone.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Eliza said, I feel like a lot of women need
to be wooed in order to feel in the mood
for intimacy. There are so many things on our to
do list, and we struggle to compartmentalize. If there are
things to do on the list, then I can imagine
some may struggle to start another task or to relax
to enjoy time together. If my list is done, my
mind is quiet, and it's easier to relax and enjoy intimacy.
(06:32):
If hubby contributes to my to do list, it's even
easier to relax and enjoy that intimacy.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
There is something about that, isn't there. I hear it
all the time. Notice the responses that we've had have
one hundred percent all been from women. There were only
two men who jumped on. Both of them, well, both
of them didn't do the best job in what they said,
and one guy in particular really created a bit of
a storm. His name was Jace Jays. Jumped in there
(07:00):
and said or.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Reading a lot of the comments from women that complain
about housework stress, being tired, the men not being a
mind read, etcetera, etcetera. It's all these cop outs. Start
looking for the reasons why it should be happening, not
justifying the reason it's not. Look after him, ladies, or
you'll kill your marriage, that simple ouch.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
I can see why that wasn't necessarily the most popular response,
and our last one I wanted to share is actually
from Kylie. She said, oh boy, can definitely relate. Menopause
has finished off my already struggling libido.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Did you just say, Kylie? I hang, I know it's
not you because not going to say anything about menopause yet.
But you're not there yet. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
My husband is pretty understanding, but it's something else to
feel guilty about, because physical intimacy just feels like something
else on my to do list nowadays. I miss the
old me and I hope I come back at some stage.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Oh boy, So many many comments that we haven't really
talked about. The cognitive load, the fact that women are very,
very tired doing so much around the house and often
feel like they have to be the mother not only
to their children but also to their husband. And when
they move into the bedroom, they don't want to continue
(08:15):
to feel like their mum. They want to feel like
something else. But quite often they're so tired that they
just their head hits the pillow and it's all over.
Lots of conversations around perimenopause, menopause and just so much
to do, sheer exhaustion getting in the way. We are
not sex therapists, but we have some ideas that we
(08:37):
think might be helpful. If you're worried that it is
just you and that you're not getting enough noggy, you're
not getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom,
let's dive into it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
According to Emily Knagoski, author of Come As You Are.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
One of your favorite books in history, and it's a
good book. Hey, I liked it as well. You've got
me reading it, and I mean I already knew it
all you at all.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Science taught justin that there are three essential characteristics of
couples who sustain a connection over the long term. And
none of them were the characteristics you might have guessed.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Interestingly, not really about cognitive load, certainly not about global
warming or World War three or any of that sort
of stuff. The three characteristics are number one. If you
want to sustain a strong sexual connection, you've got to
like each other. Like no, I know that sounds really obvious,
but you've you got to look at that person and
think you really mattered to me. I want to prioritize
(09:34):
you and trust you. I admire you. You're the kind
of person that I would like to share this intimate
experience with So.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
I'm going to go a little bit further. The girls
were asking me the other day to kind of just
retell our story how we.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Met, and all the girls has in our daughters.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, And as I was talking to them, I shared
with them how it felt the day we got married.
I remember waking up that morning and just being so excited.
There was no anxiety, there was no concern about whether
I was making the right choice or not. I was
just so excited that today I was going to be
(10:11):
making a commitment to spend the rest of my life
with my very best friend. And over the years, we've
both shared that we had that exact same feeling.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
I had that conversation with my best man as we
were driving to the wedding venue.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
And I think for anyone who chooses to spend a
lifetime with someone, we've had those experiences. We've had that
feeling of wanting to spend a lifetime together, but the
next step is actually choosing them every single day.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, And just on that, I can't tell you how
many people that I've spoken to who just have this
sort of simmering underbelly of resentment towards their spouse or partner.
They feel like they're taken for granted, they feel like
they do the line's share of the work, they carry
the majority of the load. They do this, they do that,
and the other person never does this or never does that.
There's sort of like this white anting of the relationship.
You have to love each other, like really really want
(11:06):
to be with each other. That friendship, the quality of
the relationship, the trust, the admiration, the feelings of we're
better when we're together, those kinds of feelings have got
to come first. You're not going to prioritize any kind
of intimacy if you don't feel that way about each other.
So if you're listening to this podcast and you don't
feel like that, it's time to do some work on
(11:27):
the relationship. It's time to rebuild the connection. Connection means
feeling seen, hurt and valued. So find ways that you
can see and hear and value each other again and
get that get that going, because oh my goodness, it's
so good when you do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
It's not one person's job. It's not your husband's job,
it's not your partner's job. We both have to take
responsibility for that connection.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, here's the second thing. In addition to liking each
other and being friends. The couples who sustain strong sexual
connections prioritize sex like they actually decide that it matters
for their relationship, and they find opportunities to have that
physical intimacy together. It might not always be inter course,
it might be any number of other forms of physical
(12:07):
closeness and intimacy, but they absolutely prioritize it. They make
sure that they make time to get it on.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I think about the enormity of the task of being
a parent, you're going.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
To say, and the normaty is something else for a second.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
And how much effort we go to to be the
very best we can for our children. And yet in
a handful of years, your children are going to leave
the nest and you're going to be stuck with the
other person that's left in the house.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
I remember Huey Lewis used to sing, I'm happy to
be stuck with you, and I mean, I just I
can't think of anything better than being stuck with you.
That would be my dream, that's my ultimate fantess. Anyway,
carry on. But it's the prioritization, right, the prioritization of
the intimacy in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Well, and I think when you kind of do an
inventory of your life and your relationships, where are you
putting most of the energy. Is it into your children
and building those relationships to the detriment of your marriage
or relationship, or are you finding avenues to actually give
priority to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Okay, here's the third one. Instead of accepting other people's
opinions about how they're supposed to do sex in their partnership,
the people who have genuinely strong sexual connection prioritize what's
genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.
So they're not looking at the articles on news dot
com dot are you that tell you how many times
the average person does this or does that, or it's
(13:40):
just not relevant. What you focused on is what works
in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And that means being able to have open dialogue and
communication with each other.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Yes, that's where the healthy conversation comes in. Now, we
also need to acknowledge sometimes you're not interested and it's
got nothing to do with you or or your partner.
This could be a medical issue, or it could be
a psychological issue, so it's important that you go and
get help. If that's the case we're out of time.
So there are two other things that I've learned from
(14:11):
that book comes you up by Emily and de Gooski.
I want to share them and any men who are listening,
this is especially for you. Number one, you need to
understand the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Most
men tend to be spontaneously desirous. That they see something
that they like and they become desirous of that thing.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And as a society we have been, i want to say,
brainwashed to think that spontaneous desire is the only way
to have a fulfilling, loving relationship, right.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Because that's the whole Hollywood trope, and it's also completely
what pornography is about as well. There's something else though,
that's called responsive desire, and that's the desire that builds
over time when you feel seen, hurt and valued, when
you feel like somebody cares about you, they're trying to
build trust with you. That responsive desire is the thing
where maybe right now I'm not feeling like it, but
(15:03):
in ten or fifteen or twenty minutes or thirty minutes
of cuddling and talking and feeling loved, I might start
to feel like it my body or my psyche starts
to respond. Difference between responsiveness and spontaneity when it comes
to desire is huge. The other thing that I think
is critically important here is men are ready to go
in I don't know, anywhere between ten seconds and two minutes,
(15:26):
whereas for women, there's some pretty strong evidence that indicates
a good forty minutes minimum to get things warmed up
and humming so that we can have a high level
of a highly pleasurable experience. So men, don't rush it,
don't rush it at all. The second point that I
want to make is that you've got to emphasize female pleasure.
(15:47):
It's not about you. And if you emphasize female pleasure,
you are going to have a good time guaranteed. Like
you're going to have a good time anyway, but if
you emphasize female pleasure, then you're your wife is going
to have a great time, which means that you're guaranteed
to have a good time because you'll be glad that
she had a good time, which makes your time even better.
(16:08):
Is what I'm trying to say. So I don't want
to have share, but I'm just going to say this.
I have two rules when it comes to our relationship
and the opportunity that we have to be together when
the kids aren't banging on the door or whatever it is.
Rule number one, slow things down. And rule number two
it's not about me. And I've found that those two
rules have served I was going to say me served us. Well,
(16:30):
you're just looking at me and blushing right now. Should
I have not shared.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
That I only have one rule, right let's be in
the moment.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
What a great rule, What a great rule.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
We hope that this has been a compelling podcast for you.
We hope that it's given you a few ideas to
reinvigorate your love life and hopefully make your family happier.
Thank you so much, Justin Roland from Bridge Media, who
is our podcast producer. Also a big thanks to Craig Bruce,
our executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,
visit happy families dot com dot e
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