May 20, 2024 • 15 mins
On Tuesdays, we answer listener questions about making your family happier!
Separation anxiety at school drop-off is a daily struggle for many families, including Kirsty and her 5-year-old son. Justin shares some helpful tips that will make saying goodbye easier for both the parent and child.
Mum of 3, Michala, is dealing with constant sibling rivalry and conflict. Listen in for some important, ongoing conversations to have with your children as you help to build their character, and teach empathy and kindness.
In this episode:
- Sibling rivalry, conflict, and strife
- Building character
- Teaching compassion and empathy
- Repairing relationship ruptures
- Separation anxiety
- Emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA)
- Making mornings calm
- Validating emotions
- Basic psychological needs
- Strong parent-school partnership
- Flexibility
Related links:
- 10 Steps to Reducing Sibling Conflict - Happy Families
- Teaching Kids Kindness - a Happy Families webinar
- School Refusal - Happy Families
- Developmental Milestones | Preschool - Happy Families
Leave a voice memo here or email your questions/comments to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
Find out more about joining THE QUEST at our website
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers Now. Welcome to
the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson.
I'm the co host and parenting expert on Channel Lines
hit TV show Parental Guidance and the author of a
bunch of books about how to make your family happier.
Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions about
(00:25):
making your family happier, getting things working the way they
need to. To submit a question, please go to happy families
dot com dot au, click on the podcast link, and
then push the record button. That's all you got to do,
super simple. Here's our first question from Kirsty.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm the mum of an almost
five year old boy who's in four year old kinder.
I'd really love some advice on separation anxiety with drop offs.
I've tried different approaches and nothing seems to make a difference.
He's fine about five minutes after I leave, but it's
the initial leaving that makes him really upset and crying
(01:01):
for mum. And Yeah, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I don't know how to stop it.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Please help, Oh one of the most heartbreaking aspects of parenting.
I absolutely hate this, being through it with all of
our kids in different ways at different times, kids want
their parents with them. That's really what's going on here.
It's biologically, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally at every level, it's normal
for kids to want their parents to be there. We
(01:26):
are their secure base where what makes them feel safe,
and as they move into a novel environment, even if
they've been there many, many times, there's still that natural, biological,
visceral desire to be close to mum or dad, especially
especially when they're just little, totally normal, developmentally appropriate. What
we're really asking them to do when we drop them
off at school, especially at the age of three or four,
(01:48):
or five or even six, we're asking them to do
something that is not part of the natural order of things,
which means, in some ways it's kind of hard to
come up with some useful answers why well, we're asking
them to go against their natural biological and psychological urges.
In spite of that, there are a handful of things
cursey that I think can be helpful and can move
(02:10):
us in the right direction. So let's see how we go.
Number one one of our basic psychological needs is the
need for relatedness, strong relationships, a feeling of connection, connections,
feeling seen, hurt and value, a feeling of belonging like
I matter. And when I think about this relatedness need
in relation to your context, you're always going to be
(02:31):
the top of the heap. Okay, the hierarchy has mum
followed by dad, usually followed by grandma. Like that's the hierarchy,
and there literally is a hierarchy. Kids have got strong
preferences in terms of who they're going to be related
to or want to connect with. But if we work
well with the school on this, we can also create
(02:52):
really strong relationships at school. So there might be a
strong relationship with friend. Friends are oxygen to our children
inhale their friends and say, oh yeah, this feels good,
especially as they get older. But it starts from around
about that age of five or six and builds from there.
Maybe a teacher, maybe their classroom teacher, is the person
(03:13):
that they can really connect with and bond with. Maybe
they've got a really compassionate, loving teacher who's there with
open arms saying I'm so glad you're here today. Let's
have some fun. It could be that there's an animal
in the classroom that the child feels like they bond with.
I know a lot of schools have therapy dogs. Some
classrooms have frogs or fish or lizards or other animals
that the kids can really be excited about. And while
(03:33):
that's not going to be the same level of relationship,
there's that thing that gets them there because they get
to have some kind of a connection. Second idea ties
into the second basic psychological need that I talk about
all the time, and that's the need for competence, a
need for a sense of master real like I can
get this. See, when a child's not doing well emotionally,
when they get dropped off at school, they already feel
a little bit incompetent. By helping them to feel competent
(03:57):
at school, they're much more likely to be motivated to
be there. So if school is a safe place, we've
got that ticked relationships sorted. And that's so important. The
second thing is is there a job that I can
do when I get to school? Is there somebody that
I can help? Is there some reading that I can do?
Is there some classroom setup or craft organization or something
that I can do that is supportive. Maybe I can
(04:19):
play with somebody who needs a play mate. These kinds
of things. Having a job to do, an autonomously chosen job,
a job where there's been some interaction with the teacher,
and this feels good to me to do it, and
that's why I'm going to opt in. That's the second
thing that could be a really strong way to reduce
the anxiety around departure of parents from the school drop off.
But let's go back a step or two, back into
(04:40):
the house for a sec. I think there's value in
just pausing and considering what your mornings feel like. If
your mourning is a tornado, that is not going to
lead to a nice, calm start for the drive and
for the drop off, that chaos, that craziness, that carnage
at home can really contribute to anything but a calm
(05:04):
transition into the school. So I'd been wanting to make
sure that the setting at home feels good, it feels comfortable,
it feels safe, And we've got a child who feels
good as they're getting up, but they're still on purpose,
they're on track, they're moving towards a reasonable entry into
the school day. The next thing I'd say about being
at home is if you've got a child who is struggling,
giving them the cold shoulder, giving them a short shrift,
(05:26):
just saying, hey, you know what, kid, I suck it up,
drink some concrete, harden up, build a bridge, get over it.
Tough enough, princess. That approach does not build resilience. It
makes kids feel more incompetent, and the connection that they
have with you now gets battered as well. It just ruptures.
So this is not a helpful approach. Instead, I would
say empathy. Now, Please note I said empathy, not apathy,
and not therapy. Empathy is what kids are going to
(05:50):
do best with when it comes to parents who are
saying goodbye under challenging circumstances. Empathy looks like this, I
know it's hard. I get it, it's really hard. Give
us a hug. All right, we're going to be brave.
Let's go and get in there, because this is what
we need to do. Empathy is saying what you can see,
validating the emotion, and then moving towards positive action, adaptive,
(06:14):
healthy action that gets a strong outcome. Now, quick pause
on this one as well. If you're dealing with a
child who is not just sort of struggling a bit
as you are, Kirsty. But then after five minutes, I say,
your child is fine. If you're dealing with a child
who is needing to be restrained, if you're dealing with
a child that you're literally dragging out the door. In
other words, a child who has emotion based school avoidance,
(06:35):
a child who is absolutely doing everything they can to
not be at school. These ideas are still going to
be helpful, but we're going to have to be a
bit more sensitive and probably work a lot more closely
with the school or even with a therapist. I'd love
to talk more about this idea of emotion based school avoidance,
but we just don't have enough research for me to
(06:56):
give you a really strong guidance on that right now.
So we're going to stay with this situation where we've
got a kid who's happy enough to be there once
they're there, but the first five minutes and the actual
separation are tough. So I've got empathy, not apathy, and
not therapy, saying what we see and then moving towards
adaptive outcomes. And the last thing that I'll say that
can really help to minimize reduce anxiety in a child
(07:19):
and support them as they make that transition into the
school context is for them to either a get there
with enough time to settle in. I mean, if you're
dropping them off and it's rushed and they're racing into
school and everything's happened in an absolute fluster, that's not
going to feel good. But secondly, if they can have
a chat with the teacher and get an idea of
the road map for the day. Kids are literally flying
(07:42):
blind and some of them want a sense of certainty.
They want some form of cognitive closure. What am I
doing today? How can I feel safe and secure? Where
are we headed? If I've got a sense of direction,
I'm going to feel so much better about being at school. Ultimately,
we're talking about nurture at home and at school. We're
also talking about flexibility at home and at school. And
(08:04):
I've really got to emphasize a strong relationship with a
really beautiful alliance in terms of communication between home and school. Kursey,
hope that makes a difference and helps your little guy
to settle into school with that little bit more comfortably.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Question number two, Hi Justin, Hi Kylie. My name is
Michaelaar and I a mum of three young kids, twin
boys eight years old and a little girl who is
six years old. What I'm wondering is, can you change
sibling dynamics? Our little guys have three very different personalities.
(08:44):
The boys are best friends, one is very ruler binding,
the other one loves to push boundaries. And my daughter
is quite independent and strong, but also quite sensitive. The
outgoing boy will DeFi to picking on her if he's
tired or hungry, which is basically all school term. He
(09:06):
can pick on her that's too much, honey, or she
can give him a side look and here reacts hugely,
either verbally or sometimes physically. I've tried a lot of
different avenues, but my main concern is it will affect
my daughter's overall confidence as she is continually picked on.
(09:28):
Hope he can help shed some light. Thank you?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Okay, Mikayla. Two boys twins age eight, a six year
old girl and can you change sibling dynamics? Well, the
short answer is yes, you can do something about sibling dynamics.
In terms of personalities, maybe not so much. Siblings are funny,
right like, if you don't want to have sibling rivalry,
there's only one solution. That's to not have siblings. Clearly
with three kids, too late for you to get away
(09:53):
with that one. And it's so curious as well, because
parents will always say, oh, they're so different, and yet
when we look at who we are compared to our
own siblings, we're usually so different. So it's also a
reality that there's going to be conflict and strife in
every relationship. You're just not going to stamp it out.
Kylie and I have what I would consider to be
an absolutely first class marriage. We are just crazy about
(10:16):
each other. We are two people who have literally chosen
one another to live with, to be together, to do
life together, and we still have conflict. And so I
think the central thing that I want to emphasize here
is you're probably not going to change the personalities. You
may be able to shift the dynamics, but that comes
through character education. It comes through a process of helping
(10:37):
your children to know who they are and to tap
into what they value. And this is the sort of
process that does not happen as quickly as teaching a
kid how to type up their shoelaces that takes long
enough as it is, or write their name. We're talking
about something that takes a lot longer. One of my
great regrets, one of my absolutely most painful regrets of
(10:57):
my upbringing, is how awfully I treat my younger siblings,
specifically my sisters. They're four years younger than me, they're twins,
and I was absolutely awful to them. There's nothing redemptive
about the way that I treated them. I picked on them,
called them names, I used to hit them like that
was just what I did, and Mum and Dad were
desperate to get me to stop. And at some level
(11:19):
I knew that it wasn't helpful, and yet I had
to really grow up before I sort of grew out
of it. It was just awful. There was no kindness, there
was no consideration. And what's really curious to me is
I don't know. I don't know if there are any
residual effects in terms of they've grown up to live
lives that. I don't know that the impact of my
(11:42):
horrible big brother behavior toward them has had any effect
on who they've become as people. I just I don't
know that. But what I do know is that we
don't have the closeness that I wish we had, and
it's a source of ongoing probably lifelong pain for me,
You're with your siblings longer than anyone else. Like your
parents die maybe twenty or thirty years before the end
(12:04):
of your life. You don't meet your husband or wife
or partner until your twenty or thirty years into your life.
But your siblings they come along when you're little, and
they usually live for about as long as you've got
them for life. And not that this is all about me,
I've met this into a personal therapy session. I'm so sorry,
but one of my great regrets is the residual effect
I think of my awful behavior towards my sisters specifically,
(12:28):
is that we don't have tremendous closeness even as adults,
even though I've apologized and try to make things right
and so on. Anyway, enough about me, let's get back
to you. Ultimately, what I think we need to do
is have a couple of conversations ongoingly with the boys.
Conversation Number one. A real man helps the people around
him feel safer and stronger. If you are engaging in
(12:50):
behavior towards your little sister that does not leave her
feeling safer and stronger, then that is not manly behavior.
That is not powerful behavior that is not strong, that
is weak. If you, as a boy who is three
years older than your little sister, feel a need to
belittle her and to denigrate her, to pick on her,
and to make her feel less than so that you
(13:11):
can feel strong and powerful, you're doing it wrong. That's
not how it's supposed to be. You're not making her
feel safer and stronger. So to me, that is probably
our first conversation, kindness, consideration safer and stronger. The second
conversation is that all relationships are tricky. Even when you
live a thousand kilometers away from your siblings, sometimes it's
still drincky, and regardless of the context of the relationship,
(13:34):
you're going to fall into mistakes consistently. Therefore, if there
is a rupture, we need to know how to repair,
how to repair effectively, how to repair with empathy, how
to repair with kindness, how to repair in a way
that shows that we are all human and we don't
mean to make mistakes, and when we do, we're willing
to own those mistakes, be responsible for them, and work
again towards helping those around us feel safer and stronger. Now,
(13:57):
to me, if you can work on those two conversations
with your boys. You're going to go a long way
to raising really really great men, men of character, men
who get it now. They're not going to get it
straight away. They're eight. You're going to have this conversation
a lot of times of these conversations, many many, many
times that they don't care about what it's going to
be like when they're older. They don't get what it's
(14:17):
going to be like when they're older, which means this
conversation has to kind of be on repeat. This is
exhausting for parents, But I don't know any other methodology
that's going to get you there. It's just not fully
going to go away for a long time. But this
messaging around being stronger and safe when I'm in your presence,
that's it. And conversations like well, how did you feel
when you said that to her? How did she feel
(14:38):
when you said that to her? How did our family feel?
We're teaching empathy here, we're teaching character, we're teaching consideration
of others. Anyway, Mikayla, I hope that's helpful. Fingers crossed.
It makes your family happier and the conversations going a
productive direction. Thanks so much for your questions. If you
would like to submit a question to the Happy Families Podcast,
(14:58):
I answer them every Tuesday. Just go happy families dot
com dot you, click on the podcast link and press
the record button. Leave us a voice memo. Voice memos
get answered way faster, and we love to hear from
your Happy families dot com dot you click on the
link for podcasts and then push the button to record
the voice memo. Let me know what's on your mind.
I'm glad to help to make your family happier. Thank
(15:19):
you so much for listening to. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
is our executive producer, and if you'd like more information
about making your family happier, check out our range of
books at happy families dot com dot A you
It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers Now. Welcome to
the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson.
I'm the co host and parenting expert on Channel Lines
hit TV show Parental Guidance and the author of a
bunch of books about how to make your family happier.
Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions about
(00:25):
making your family happier, getting things working the way they
need to. To submit a question, please go to happy families
dot com dot au, click on the podcast link, and
then push the record button. That's all you got to do,
super simple. Here's our first question from Kirsty.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Hi, Justin and Kylie. I'm the mum of an almost
five year old boy who's in four year old kinder.
I'd really love some advice on separation anxiety with drop offs.
I've tried different approaches and nothing seems to make a difference.
He's fine about five minutes after I leave, but it's
the initial leaving that makes him really upset and crying
(01:01):
for mum. And Yeah, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I don't know how to stop it.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Please help, Oh one of the most heartbreaking aspects of parenting.
I absolutely hate this, being through it with all of
our kids in different ways at different times, kids want
their parents with them. That's really what's going on here.
It's biologically, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally at every level, it's normal
for kids to want their parents to be there. We
(01:26):
are their secure base where what makes them feel safe,
and as they move into a novel environment, even if
they've been there many, many times, there's still that natural, biological,
visceral desire to be close to mum or dad, especially
especially when they're just little, totally normal, developmentally appropriate. What
we're really asking them to do when we drop them
off at school, especially at the age of three or four,
(01:48):
or five or even six, we're asking them to do
something that is not part of the natural order of things,
which means, in some ways it's kind of hard to
come up with some useful answers why well, we're asking
them to go against their natural biological and psychological urges.
In spite of that, there are a handful of things
cursey that I think can be helpful and can move
(02:10):
us in the right direction. So let's see how we go.
Number one one of our basic psychological needs is the
need for relatedness, strong relationships, a feeling of connection, connections,
feeling seen, hurt and value, a feeling of belonging like
I matter. And when I think about this relatedness need
in relation to your context, you're always going to be
(02:31):
the top of the heap. Okay, the hierarchy has mum
followed by dad, usually followed by grandma. Like that's the hierarchy,
and there literally is a hierarchy. Kids have got strong
preferences in terms of who they're going to be related
to or want to connect with. But if we work
well with the school on this, we can also create
(02:52):
really strong relationships at school. So there might be a
strong relationship with friend. Friends are oxygen to our children
inhale their friends and say, oh yeah, this feels good,
especially as they get older. But it starts from around
about that age of five or six and builds from there.
Maybe a teacher, maybe their classroom teacher, is the person
(03:13):
that they can really connect with and bond with. Maybe
they've got a really compassionate, loving teacher who's there with
open arms saying I'm so glad you're here today. Let's
have some fun. It could be that there's an animal
in the classroom that the child feels like they bond with.
I know a lot of schools have therapy dogs. Some
classrooms have frogs or fish or lizards or other animals
that the kids can really be excited about. And while
(03:33):
that's not going to be the same level of relationship,
there's that thing that gets them there because they get
to have some kind of a connection. Second idea ties
into the second basic psychological need that I talk about
all the time, and that's the need for competence, a
need for a sense of master real like I can
get this. See, when a child's not doing well emotionally,
when they get dropped off at school, they already feel
a little bit incompetent. By helping them to feel competent
(03:57):
at school, they're much more likely to be motivated to
be there. So if school is a safe place, we've
got that ticked relationships sorted. And that's so important. The
second thing is is there a job that I can
do when I get to school? Is there somebody that
I can help? Is there some reading that I can do?
Is there some classroom setup or craft organization or something
that I can do that is supportive. Maybe I can
(04:19):
play with somebody who needs a play mate. These kinds
of things. Having a job to do, an autonomously chosen job,
a job where there's been some interaction with the teacher,
and this feels good to me to do it, and
that's why I'm going to opt in. That's the second
thing that could be a really strong way to reduce
the anxiety around departure of parents from the school drop off.
But let's go back a step or two, back into
(04:40):
the house for a sec. I think there's value in
just pausing and considering what your mornings feel like. If
your mourning is a tornado, that is not going to
lead to a nice, calm start for the drive and
for the drop off, that chaos, that craziness, that carnage
at home can really contribute to anything but a calm
(05:04):
transition into the school. So I'd been wanting to make
sure that the setting at home feels good, it feels comfortable,
it feels safe, And we've got a child who feels
good as they're getting up, but they're still on purpose,
they're on track, they're moving towards a reasonable entry into
the school day. The next thing I'd say about being
at home is if you've got a child who is struggling,
giving them the cold shoulder, giving them a short shrift,
(05:26):
just saying, hey, you know what, kid, I suck it up,
drink some concrete, harden up, build a bridge, get over it.
Tough enough, princess. That approach does not build resilience. It
makes kids feel more incompetent, and the connection that they
have with you now gets battered as well. It just ruptures.
So this is not a helpful approach. Instead, I would
say empathy. Now, Please note I said empathy, not apathy,
and not therapy. Empathy is what kids are going to
(05:50):
do best with when it comes to parents who are
saying goodbye under challenging circumstances. Empathy looks like this, I
know it's hard. I get it, it's really hard. Give
us a hug. All right, we're going to be brave.
Let's go and get in there, because this is what
we need to do. Empathy is saying what you can see,
validating the emotion, and then moving towards positive action, adaptive,
(06:14):
healthy action that gets a strong outcome. Now, quick pause
on this one as well. If you're dealing with a
child who is not just sort of struggling a bit
as you are, Kirsty. But then after five minutes, I say,
your child is fine. If you're dealing with a child
who is needing to be restrained, if you're dealing with
a child that you're literally dragging out the door. In
other words, a child who has emotion based school avoidance,
(06:35):
a child who is absolutely doing everything they can to
not be at school. These ideas are still going to
be helpful, but we're going to have to be a
bit more sensitive and probably work a lot more closely
with the school or even with a therapist. I'd love
to talk more about this idea of emotion based school avoidance,
but we just don't have enough research for me to
(06:56):
give you a really strong guidance on that right now.
So we're going to stay with this situation where we've
got a kid who's happy enough to be there once
they're there, but the first five minutes and the actual
separation are tough. So I've got empathy, not apathy, and
not therapy, saying what we see and then moving towards
adaptive outcomes. And the last thing that I'll say that
can really help to minimize reduce anxiety in a child
(07:19):
and support them as they make that transition into the
school context is for them to either a get there
with enough time to settle in. I mean, if you're
dropping them off and it's rushed and they're racing into
school and everything's happened in an absolute fluster, that's not
going to feel good. But secondly, if they can have
a chat with the teacher and get an idea of
the road map for the day. Kids are literally flying
(07:42):
blind and some of them want a sense of certainty.
They want some form of cognitive closure. What am I
doing today? How can I feel safe and secure? Where
are we headed? If I've got a sense of direction,
I'm going to feel so much better about being at school. Ultimately,
we're talking about nurture at home and at school. We're
also talking about flexibility at home and at school. And
(08:04):
I've really got to emphasize a strong relationship with a
really beautiful alliance in terms of communication between home and school. Kursey,
hope that makes a difference and helps your little guy
to settle into school with that little bit more comfortably.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Question number two, Hi Justin, Hi Kylie. My name is
Michaelaar and I a mum of three young kids, twin
boys eight years old and a little girl who is
six years old. What I'm wondering is, can you change
sibling dynamics? Our little guys have three very different personalities.
(08:44):
The boys are best friends, one is very ruler binding,
the other one loves to push boundaries. And my daughter
is quite independent and strong, but also quite sensitive. The
outgoing boy will DeFi to picking on her if he's
tired or hungry, which is basically all school term. He
(09:06):
can pick on her that's too much, honey, or she
can give him a side look and here reacts hugely,
either verbally or sometimes physically. I've tried a lot of
different avenues, but my main concern is it will affect
my daughter's overall confidence as she is continually picked on.
(09:28):
Hope he can help shed some light. Thank you?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Okay, Mikayla. Two boys twins age eight, a six year
old girl and can you change sibling dynamics? Well, the
short answer is yes, you can do something about sibling dynamics.
In terms of personalities, maybe not so much. Siblings are funny,
right like, if you don't want to have sibling rivalry,
there's only one solution. That's to not have siblings. Clearly
with three kids, too late for you to get away
(09:53):
with that one. And it's so curious as well, because
parents will always say, oh, they're so different, and yet
when we look at who we are compared to our
own siblings, we're usually so different. So it's also a
reality that there's going to be conflict and strife in
every relationship. You're just not going to stamp it out.
Kylie and I have what I would consider to be
an absolutely first class marriage. We are just crazy about
(10:16):
each other. We are two people who have literally chosen
one another to live with, to be together, to do
life together, and we still have conflict. And so I
think the central thing that I want to emphasize here
is you're probably not going to change the personalities. You
may be able to shift the dynamics, but that comes
through character education. It comes through a process of helping
(10:37):
your children to know who they are and to tap
into what they value. And this is the sort of
process that does not happen as quickly as teaching a
kid how to type up their shoelaces that takes long
enough as it is, or write their name. We're talking
about something that takes a lot longer. One of my
great regrets, one of my absolutely most painful regrets of
(10:57):
my upbringing, is how awfully I treat my younger siblings,
specifically my sisters. They're four years younger than me, they're twins,
and I was absolutely awful to them. There's nothing redemptive
about the way that I treated them. I picked on them,
called them names, I used to hit them like that
was just what I did, and Mum and Dad were
desperate to get me to stop. And at some level
(11:19):
I knew that it wasn't helpful, and yet I had
to really grow up before I sort of grew out
of it. It was just awful. There was no kindness, there
was no consideration. And what's really curious to me is
I don't know. I don't know if there are any
residual effects in terms of they've grown up to live
lives that. I don't know that the impact of my
(11:42):
horrible big brother behavior toward them has had any effect
on who they've become as people. I just I don't
know that. But what I do know is that we
don't have the closeness that I wish we had, and
it's a source of ongoing probably lifelong pain for me,
You're with your siblings longer than anyone else. Like your
parents die maybe twenty or thirty years before the end
(12:04):
of your life. You don't meet your husband or wife
or partner until your twenty or thirty years into your life.
But your siblings they come along when you're little, and
they usually live for about as long as you've got
them for life. And not that this is all about me,
I've met this into a personal therapy session. I'm so sorry,
but one of my great regrets is the residual effect
I think of my awful behavior towards my sisters specifically,
(12:28):
is that we don't have tremendous closeness even as adults,
even though I've apologized and try to make things right
and so on. Anyway, enough about me, let's get back
to you. Ultimately, what I think we need to do
is have a couple of conversations ongoingly with the boys.
Conversation Number one. A real man helps the people around
him feel safer and stronger. If you are engaging in
(12:50):
behavior towards your little sister that does not leave her
feeling safer and stronger, then that is not manly behavior.
That is not powerful behavior that is not strong, that
is weak. If you, as a boy who is three
years older than your little sister, feel a need to
belittle her and to denigrate her, to pick on her,
and to make her feel less than so that you
(13:11):
can feel strong and powerful, you're doing it wrong. That's
not how it's supposed to be. You're not making her
feel safer and stronger. So to me, that is probably
our first conversation, kindness, consideration safer and stronger. The second
conversation is that all relationships are tricky. Even when you
live a thousand kilometers away from your siblings, sometimes it's
still drincky, and regardless of the context of the relationship,
(13:34):
you're going to fall into mistakes consistently. Therefore, if there
is a rupture, we need to know how to repair,
how to repair effectively, how to repair with empathy, how
to repair with kindness, how to repair in a way
that shows that we are all human and we don't
mean to make mistakes, and when we do, we're willing
to own those mistakes, be responsible for them, and work
again towards helping those around us feel safer and stronger. Now,
(13:57):
to me, if you can work on those two conversations
with your boys. You're going to go a long way
to raising really really great men, men of character, men
who get it now. They're not going to get it
straight away. They're eight. You're going to have this conversation
a lot of times of these conversations, many many, many
times that they don't care about what it's going to
be like when they're older. They don't get what it's
(14:17):
going to be like when they're older, which means this
conversation has to kind of be on repeat. This is
exhausting for parents, But I don't know any other methodology
that's going to get you there. It's just not fully
going to go away for a long time. But this
messaging around being stronger and safe when I'm in your presence,
that's it. And conversations like well, how did you feel
when you said that to her? How did she feel
(14:38):
when you said that to her? How did our family feel?
We're teaching empathy here, we're teaching character, we're teaching consideration
of others. Anyway, Mikayla, I hope that's helpful. Fingers crossed.
It makes your family happier and the conversations going a
productive direction. Thanks so much for your questions. If you
would like to submit a question to the Happy Families Podcast,
(14:58):
I answer them every Tuesday. Just go happy families dot
com dot you, click on the podcast link and press
the record button. Leave us a voice memo. Voice memos
get answered way faster, and we love to hear from
your Happy families dot com dot you click on the
link for podcasts and then push the button to record
the voice memo. Let me know what's on your mind.
I'm glad to help to make your family happier. Thank
(15:19):
you so much for listening to. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
is our executive producer, and if you'd like more information
about making your family happier, check out our range of
books at happy families dot com dot A you
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