November 13, 2025 • 18 mins
Ever had one of those parenting days — where you lose your cool, say the wrong thing, and immediately wish for a do-over? In this episode, Justin and Kylie Coulson get real about what happens when we mess up, why rupture can lead to repair, and how connection - not perfection - is what truly builds a happy family.
From teenage meltdowns to dinner duty disasters, the Coulsons share honest lessons on letting go, apologising, and finding calm after chaos.
KEY POINTS
- Delegating family responsibilities isn’t always smooth — but it’s worth persisting.
- Why “getting it wrong” can be the doorway to deeper connection.
- Repairing ruptures teaches kids accountability, empathy, and love in action.
- The magic of family moments that start messy but end meaningful.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“You don’t know everything as a parent — but if you’re lucky, your kids will show you what really matters: the relationship.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- Episode #1481 'When Every Night Is a Meltdown'
- HappyFamilies.com.au for parenting tools and insights
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Pause before reacting. Step away and breathe before addressing your child’s behaviour.
- Own your mistakes. Model humility by admitting when you got it wrong.
- Repair the rupture. Circle back for a calm conversation and reconnection.
- Share responsibility. Let kids take part in family life — even if it’s messy at first.
- Celebrate small wins. Connection grows in the moments you choose grace over perfection.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, this is the Happy Families podcasts and November fourteen,
inching closer to the end of Term four, inching close
to the end of year twelve exams for those of
you who've got big kids that are just about ready
to finish school forever, and we're inching closer to another
at the end of another week. Every Friday and the
Happy Families podcast we give you insight into the lives
(00:27):
of the Coulson family, what we're doing right, what we're
doing wrong, what we're celebrating, and what we are commiserating about.
And in today's episode of the pod, find out how
I got it right but wrong at the same time,
probably more wrong than right. I'm giving myself more credit
than I deserve, because sometimes raising teenagers can be exhausting,
and you think you know everything, but they think they
know everything and it all blows up. I'm going to
(00:48):
tell you how I blew up, where I was wrong,
and how it ended up being all right. Plus missus
Happy Families with a story about delegating responsibility because sometimes
enough is enough and it can actually work out well.
Thanks for joining us. That and a whole lot more
coming up right after this. Hello and welcome to the
(01:11):
Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions every single day. This
is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And we are Justin
and Kylie call some parents of six kids. I'm the
author of a bunch of books about raising happy families.
And Kylie. We have some housekeeping, as we always do
every time we kick off our Friday plot. It's kind
of like our news day. I really enjoy it. I
get to we get to be a bit vulnerable about
(01:33):
our lives. I was surprised that you've been busy in
our living room doing things that I think it's way
too early in the year to be doing.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Are you a grinch?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Well, I'm not a grinch. I just don't It's mid November.
It's too early to be a grinch or to be
putting up a Christmas tree. Really, yes, I mean it
looks amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I just had a conversation with Miss eleven, who said
it's really sad that Christmas is only one day, right,
And I said, that's why we put it up so early,
so we get to enjoy the spirit of Christmas with
so much longer. I can't believe you're winging about.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
This Christmas tree is up. It looks great, it's official.
I love it. I mean, I do love it, but
it just feels like a lot. Miss.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I did something a little bit crazy this year. I
added pink to the tree.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Pink, yeah, pink and red and green and everything else.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I'm pretty traditional. I stick with my red and white.
I like it, but this year I decided to add
a little bit of flair.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Actually I love it. Do you know how many days
to Christmas? Just so that I can maintain my grinch
for a moment longer.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Well, not that I'm counting, but forty one.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
That's too many days, Like, I'm sorry, too many days.
But that's great. So that's how are you prepared? That's
our first bit of your presence. The tradition is in
this house that I say, we're not doing Christmas this year.
We need to buckle our belts, we need to tighten
our belts whatever it is, and stop spending money. And
then on Christmas Eve I have a massive panic attack
and go and join the throngs in the shopping center
(02:58):
and spend far too much money, spoil everybody. So I
plan on doing that again this year. Right now, I'm
not buying anything for anyone and I'm not planning on
shopping on Christmas Eve, but I'm pretty sure that's what
I'm going to end up doing. Again.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Well, you might've got cranky at me the other day
because I took a line of our children's shopping because
they're at the point now where it's not even worth
trying to surprise them with anything.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Hang on, background here, background. You had a conversation with
me a couple of weeks ago and said, what do
you think we should set as a budget for the
kids for Christmas, just so we don't overspent, because lately
the last couple of Christmas is we have spent too much.
And I made a suggestion about a number, and you
mocked me and laughed and said, we can't possibly do
Christmas that cheaply. So the other day we stopped in
(03:40):
at DFO in Brisbane on the way back from being
out of town and you bought some stuff for that child.
And I'm finishing your story for you because the amount
that I suggested you quadrupled it.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well, I came up with a plan and.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I said, well, now you've just set the bar for
all five of our other children as well as our
son in law and who knows who else, and I
don't think we can afford Christmas this year.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Well, I've just worked out if I give her a
few of them now, then she'll be in the budget.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So no, no, no delay gratification. She can wait till April
till she has her birthday. Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing
it to her now.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Wow, you really are a grunt.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Okay, other housekeeping, May I move on, of course? Okay,
last Monday, so we're going back like twelve days. I
know it's the way back, but we just sometimes we
can't squeeze everything into the pod when we want to.
Last Monday, we did a podcast episode. Well we talked
about getting kids to go to sleep when every night
is a meltdown and you're having those explosive evenings. And
(04:42):
I thought we did a really good job on that pod.
But we got this voice message from the Happy Families
website happyfamilies dot com dot you. Sharon from Newcastle jumped
on and I think that she should actually be hosting
her own podcast because this was brilliant. Here's what she said.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Hi, I'm Sharon and I'm from Newcastle, New South Wales.
I was just listening to your podcast on when every
night is a melkdown. I just wanted to let you
know a couple of things about my family. I've actually
always put my kids to bed, and I was inspired
by two people. My best friend at high school her
dad would talk to her before bed every night when
(05:20):
she was a teenager, and another friend she'd put her
son to bed and she'd say something like, oh, the
light's too bright, and when she turned the light off,
her teenage son would start divulging his feelings and talking
a bit more. My kids are currently eleven and thirteen,
and they have half an hour with me each night.
(05:40):
I was a single mum, but they know every night
they are with me that half an hour of time
is theirs. For my daughter, that's evolved from like playing
card games or doing talking teddies. Sometimes we do role
swap where I'm her and she's me, which is always hilarious,
or we just ask each other question. For my thirteen
(06:01):
year old son, that has been things like reading together
to now playing the word at bedtime, talking and cuddling titties.
I'll also add, as a single mama, bedshare with my
eleven year old daughter because I cannot afford to rent
anywhere else and yes, sometimes we still have those nights.
My daughter just wants more time with me, so she
(06:22):
comes out to me in the lounge room where I'm
having time by myself. These notes. I think it's going
to be like this forever, and I genuinely really feel
upset and angry, like it's going to go on for ages.
But when they were little, I used to think, well,
they've only been on the planet for eight years or
five years or whatever it was, so maybe they're just
(06:42):
not ready for something, or maybe they need more connection
or something right at this moment in time. And now
it's no different.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
How awesome is that?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's pretty awesome?
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So thank you very much Sharon
for sending that through. I just wanted to play it
because it underscores the stuff that we're talking about. Relationships matter.
It's all about relationships.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
What I love about what she shared was again for her.
She's a single mum. There's no one else backing her up,
and yet she's made this a priority. She's been so
intentional about how she chooses to spend time with her children,
and sometimes, like most parents, at the expense of her
own time.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, make the investment. It's worth it and the kids
need it, all right, Kylie before the break you're older,
but it tomorrow. It's fairly quick. One from you today,
So let's hear what's going on, what's working, what are
you excited about? Because you'd had enough.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the fact
that we decided that we were going to outsource our
cooking to the kids. We still have five children at home.
So literally, if all of those kids, five of them
cook one meal, that means you can cook a meal,
and I can cook a meal. That's one meal a week.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Seven people in the house. Everyone does I mean, even
our eleven year old can get on board with this, right,
But we've got four kids older than fifteen. We got
three eighteen and above. Yeah, three adults, so pull your
weight kids. Basically, the conversation we had politely.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
I'd like to say the first week went brilliantly. It didn't.
It was absolute shamuzzle for me. I needed structure, and
so I just said, all right, let's start youngest to oldest.
So Emily did the first meal that night, and she
cooked what she would consider the best bolonnaise she's ever like,
ever tasted, not cooked ever tasted. She had three helpings. Yeah,
(08:27):
this is a kid who doesn't often eat dinner at nighttime.
She loved it, But the rest of the week kind
of just was.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Kids with crazy routines and weird schedules.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
And the oldest said she couldn't do the Friday, and
it just all kind of you know, we ended up
having a muck in again and I was getting it
a little bit frustrated, so we tried it again. We
rearranged things. The oldest now cooks on a Monday, not Friday.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
And week two was great, right, Well.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
No, it still was a bit messy because the oldest
wanted my input in that she wanted me to make
the decision about what we were cooking. She wanted me
to make sure everything was there for her, she wanted
me to tell her how to do it. And yes,
she needed a little bit of handholding because she wanted
to try something new. But the whole reason I wanted
this was because I'm tired of having to make the
(09:17):
decision about food.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
That's fast, I don't know what's for dinner. I'm tired
of deciding what's for dinner someone else decided.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So I got a little bit frustrated with her, and
it didn't end well very well.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Well, the meal was good whatever happened. I mean, the
meal was good. I missed all the background stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
But week three, Week three has been delightful. And why
it's been delightful again, it's still being messy. One child
who was supposed to cook on their night didn't come
home in time to cook dinner. I got a phone
call from another child and said, who's on dinner tonight, mum?
And I said it's your sister and she said, yeah,
she's not here. I said, no, she's not going to
(09:53):
make it home. Would you like me to do it?
She stepped up. She just said, I wasn't able to
do my meal last night, so I'm really happy to
do that one And a few times through the week
that's happened and somebody has stepped up. They're now so
much more aware of the fact that dinner needs to
be done and somebody is in charge of it, not me,
And when they realize that person's not there, they're actually
(10:14):
stepping up. And I'm loving it. And what has blown
me away? One of our children, she was very creative
in the kitchen. You were very nervous about eating her food.
Actually didn't want to come into the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
I mean you're saying creative, I'm saying disorganized and doesn't
follow the recipe and is literally just throwing ingredients in
and making it up.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
This is the kid who you give her a boxed
cake mix and she looks at it.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And goes, that looks too boring. Let's yeah, let's add
this and this. But she has no base or foundational
knowledge on which she is leveraging those decisions. She's just like,
I think we should put carrot or pumpkin or chimrick,
or like, she just chucks stuff in because this looks
in interesting.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I had to coax you into the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Tea.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Yeah, but it was delicious. She did such a good job.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I think that. I mean, I hope that she's not
listening right now. I would call it delicious compared to
what I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't
call it objectively delicious. I think she did a great job.
She did.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
We had another mishap. We ran out of paprika, and
so the girls decided to improvise curry powder.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
But you know what, this is the thing they haven't
really had to do it you're such a good cook
and you've always cooked. And even the kids that have
moved out of home, they didn't do a lot of
cooking when they moved out of home. Now they come
back and they're sort of saying, we don't really have
the skills, and now that they're cooking every week, they're
developing the skills. They're actually saying, I'll make the decision,
but mum, will you come in and work with me
(11:49):
on this because I want to learn how to get
it right. And we're seeing we're seeing improvements in the
scheduling and in the routine and the structure, but also
in the quality of the food that we're eating bit
by bitest thing for me is that we're going back
to eating the same foods that we've been eating for
the last twenty five years, because it's the stuff that
they love, the spaghetti bonnais and lasagna and the chicken
broccoli and the casserole.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
But they're also recognizing they're going to leave home in
the next couple of times and they need to be
able to work things into their budget.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So what's to take home message?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Get creative, Recognize that when you try new things, it's
going to be messy. It's not going to work all
at once, but it doesn't mean that the system's broke.
You just actually need to massage it, work with it,
be patient, and the fruits will come.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Okay after the break, I got it wrong, but I
got it right. I'm pretty sure I got it right
more than I got it wrong. It ended up all
right even though I didn't get it right. Maybe more
to come, stay with us. This is the Happy Families podcast.
Welcome back. This past couple of weeks, one of the kids,
(13:00):
I'm just going to say, our fifteen year old, and
she listens to the podcast. I've caught her listening to
the pod. She wants to hear what we're talking about.
She's listening right now, no doubt, But a couple of
weeks ago, she just was just attitude, big, horrible, mean,
nasty attitude, really hard to get along with.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
That doesn't sound like any fifteen year old I.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Know treating her sisters badly, Like it was just really
really really hard and I had enough, like I was
just a jack of it. And so I went looking
for her so that I could tell her that I'd
had enough, and also to tell her to hurry up
and ge rif school because she was going to be late.
I walked past her bedroom, calling her name. There was
no answer. I walked down the hallway calling her name,
there's no answer. I checked the bathroom. I called her
(13:43):
name again, called her four or five times. And then
as I walked back down the hallway and could see
directly into her room, she was sitting there the whole time.
And I walked in the room. I'm like, I've just
called you five times and you've ignored me. She does that, right,
You call her name, she just doesn't answer, and it's
so rude, so disrespectful. And then I started to proceed
to tell her how rude and disrespectful she was, and
then she gave me some attitude. And it's like this
(14:04):
vicious cycle. You say something and they say something, and
fifteen year olds, they're never humble about this. They're never
you know what, Dad, you're right, thanks for pointing out
my inadequacies, and I'll try to do better. They never
say that. They're just angry. And I stormed out of
the room. I like fair income, Like just own it right,
use your ore, your ownership, your accountability, and your responsibility.
(14:25):
Get out of bed. Stop being in blame, excuse, and denial.
So I gave her my favorite like she she pushed
the right button and off I went stormed out of
the room, and I don't know she managed to get
herself to school, and that afternoon she came home and
she must have been stewing it an all day, because
she walked into the office and she said, can I
talk to you about this morning, please?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Dad?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
And I said sure, And then she just owned it.
She took full responsibility for everything she'd done wrong. She
also pointed out that my perception of what was occurring
and the reality of what was occurring were not perfectly aligned.
But she did it quite respectfully. She did it carefully.
And when she'd finished, I looked at her and smiled,
(15:07):
and I said, You've put a lot of work into
that little speech, haven't you, Just because she'd been thinking
about her all day, it was obvious in the way
that she was articulating and expressing herself and saying, here's
what happened, and here's what you did, and here's how
I felt, and here's how you were feeling. Like she'd
really done the work to make sure that she could
communicate it well. I got it. Wrong. My perception in
(15:29):
that moment was wrong, and I had to apologize to
her for that. Then we ended up in this vicious
cycle together where we antagonized one another and we both
got it wrong, and she took responsibility for it. It
was amazing to see her get it. I was wonderful.
And then she made a commitment that we would work
(15:50):
harder on it that night and subsequently, and she has
and we have, and it's been That's the win that
came out of the loss. And the take home message
is you don't know everything as a parent. You think
you do, but you're so often so off the mark,
flying off the hand, or doesn't always work. In fact,
usually it doesn't work. But if you're really lucky, you'll
(16:11):
have amazing kids who will recognize that the relationship really matters.
They'll put in the time and the effort, they'll own
their stuff, and they'll work with you on better solutions
and finding ways out of the problems you're having.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Recently, we were recorded for another podcast and we were
talking specifically about ruptures and relationships.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yeah. It was a marriage therapy podcast. Yeah, I mean
we weren't being therapeutically, no, we were sharing. Yeah, Okay,
carry on, and.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
The host he called you out on something when you
talked about the fact that you really, you know, kind
of are unhappy when there's ruptures in the relationship, and
he talked about how priceless those experiences were because as
you had shared those really difficult ruptures that had taken
place in different relationships within our family over at different times,
(17:02):
there was this opportunity to reconnect and to repair and
to heal. And those experiences are actually the ones that
bind us together. They're the ones that connect us deeply
because we recognize our imperfections and we're able to take responsibility,
acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, and move forward.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
And you get to demonstrate the love that you have
for that person, because if you didn't love them, you
wouldn't be trying to repair. You don't make those kind
of repairs attitude.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Your love's bigger than whatever that problem was.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Yeah, nice wrap up Onny. That's great. Hey, We really
hope that you've got something out of this podcast today.
Thanks so much for listening. The Happy Famili's podcast is
produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammon's provides research. Adamin
and a whole lot of other support. For more info
about making your family happier, visit us at happy families
dot com, dot you and have a great weekend. Talk
to you under
Hello, this is the Happy Families podcasts and November fourteen,
inching closer to the end of Term four, inching close
to the end of year twelve exams for those of
you who've got big kids that are just about ready
to finish school forever, and we're inching closer to another
at the end of another week. Every Friday and the
Happy Families podcast we give you insight into the lives
(00:27):
of the Coulson family, what we're doing right, what we're
doing wrong, what we're celebrating, and what we are commiserating about.
And in today's episode of the pod, find out how
I got it right but wrong at the same time,
probably more wrong than right. I'm giving myself more credit
than I deserve, because sometimes raising teenagers can be exhausting,
and you think you know everything, but they think they
know everything and it all blows up. I'm going to
(00:48):
tell you how I blew up, where I was wrong,
and how it ended up being all right. Plus missus
Happy Families with a story about delegating responsibility because sometimes
enough is enough and it can actually work out well.
Thanks for joining us. That and a whole lot more
coming up right after this. Hello and welcome to the
(01:11):
Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions every single day. This
is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And we are Justin
and Kylie call some parents of six kids. I'm the
author of a bunch of books about raising happy families.
And Kylie. We have some housekeeping, as we always do
every time we kick off our Friday plot. It's kind
of like our news day. I really enjoy it. I
get to we get to be a bit vulnerable about
(01:33):
our lives. I was surprised that you've been busy in
our living room doing things that I think it's way
too early in the year to be doing.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Are you a grinch?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Well, I'm not a grinch. I just don't It's mid November.
It's too early to be a grinch or to be
putting up a Christmas tree. Really, yes, I mean it
looks amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I just had a conversation with Miss eleven, who said
it's really sad that Christmas is only one day, right,
And I said, that's why we put it up so early,
so we get to enjoy the spirit of Christmas with
so much longer. I can't believe you're winging about.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
This Christmas tree is up. It looks great, it's official.
I love it. I mean, I do love it, but
it just feels like a lot. Miss.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I did something a little bit crazy this year. I
added pink to the tree.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Pink, yeah, pink and red and green and everything else.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I'm pretty traditional. I stick with my red and white.
I like it, but this year I decided to add
a little bit of flair.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Actually I love it. Do you know how many days
to Christmas? Just so that I can maintain my grinch
for a moment longer.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Well, not that I'm counting, but forty one.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
That's too many days, Like, I'm sorry, too many days.
But that's great. So that's how are you prepared? That's
our first bit of your presence. The tradition is in
this house that I say, we're not doing Christmas this year.
We need to buckle our belts, we need to tighten
our belts whatever it is, and stop spending money. And
then on Christmas Eve I have a massive panic attack
and go and join the throngs in the shopping center
(02:58):
and spend far too much money, spoil everybody. So I
plan on doing that again this year. Right now, I'm
not buying anything for anyone and I'm not planning on
shopping on Christmas Eve, but I'm pretty sure that's what
I'm going to end up doing. Again.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Well, you might've got cranky at me the other day
because I took a line of our children's shopping because
they're at the point now where it's not even worth
trying to surprise them with anything.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Hang on, background here, background. You had a conversation with
me a couple of weeks ago and said, what do
you think we should set as a budget for the
kids for Christmas, just so we don't overspent, because lately
the last couple of Christmas is we have spent too much.
And I made a suggestion about a number, and you
mocked me and laughed and said, we can't possibly do
Christmas that cheaply. So the other day we stopped in
(03:40):
at DFO in Brisbane on the way back from being
out of town and you bought some stuff for that child.
And I'm finishing your story for you because the amount
that I suggested you quadrupled it.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well, I came up with a plan and.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I said, well, now you've just set the bar for
all five of our other children as well as our
son in law and who knows who else, and I
don't think we can afford Christmas this year.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Well, I've just worked out if I give her a
few of them now, then she'll be in the budget.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So no, no, no delay gratification. She can wait till April
till she has her birthday. Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing
it to her now.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Wow, you really are a grunt.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Okay, other housekeeping, May I move on, of course? Okay,
last Monday, so we're going back like twelve days. I
know it's the way back, but we just sometimes we
can't squeeze everything into the pod when we want to.
Last Monday, we did a podcast episode. Well we talked
about getting kids to go to sleep when every night
is a meltdown and you're having those explosive evenings. And
(04:42):
I thought we did a really good job on that pod.
But we got this voice message from the Happy Families
website happyfamilies dot com dot you. Sharon from Newcastle jumped
on and I think that she should actually be hosting
her own podcast because this was brilliant. Here's what she said.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Hi, I'm Sharon and I'm from Newcastle, New South Wales.
I was just listening to your podcast on when every
night is a melkdown. I just wanted to let you
know a couple of things about my family. I've actually
always put my kids to bed, and I was inspired
by two people. My best friend at high school her
dad would talk to her before bed every night when
(05:20):
she was a teenager, and another friend she'd put her
son to bed and she'd say something like, oh, the
light's too bright, and when she turned the light off,
her teenage son would start divulging his feelings and talking
a bit more. My kids are currently eleven and thirteen,
and they have half an hour with me each night.
(05:40):
I was a single mum, but they know every night
they are with me that half an hour of time
is theirs. For my daughter, that's evolved from like playing
card games or doing talking teddies. Sometimes we do role
swap where I'm her and she's me, which is always hilarious,
or we just ask each other question. For my thirteen
(06:01):
year old son, that has been things like reading together
to now playing the word at bedtime, talking and cuddling titties.
I'll also add, as a single mama, bedshare with my
eleven year old daughter because I cannot afford to rent
anywhere else and yes, sometimes we still have those nights.
My daughter just wants more time with me, so she
(06:22):
comes out to me in the lounge room where I'm
having time by myself. These notes. I think it's going
to be like this forever, and I genuinely really feel
upset and angry, like it's going to go on for ages.
But when they were little, I used to think, well,
they've only been on the planet for eight years or
five years or whatever it was, so maybe they're just
(06:42):
not ready for something, or maybe they need more connection
or something right at this moment in time. And now
it's no different.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
How awesome is that?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's pretty awesome?
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So thank you very much Sharon
for sending that through. I just wanted to play it
because it underscores the stuff that we're talking about. Relationships matter.
It's all about relationships.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
What I love about what she shared was again for her.
She's a single mum. There's no one else backing her up,
and yet she's made this a priority. She's been so
intentional about how she chooses to spend time with her children,
and sometimes, like most parents, at the expense of her
own time.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, make the investment. It's worth it and the kids
need it, all right, Kylie before the break you're older,
but it tomorrow. It's fairly quick. One from you today,
So let's hear what's going on, what's working, what are
you excited about? Because you'd had enough.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the fact
that we decided that we were going to outsource our
cooking to the kids. We still have five children at home.
So literally, if all of those kids, five of them
cook one meal, that means you can cook a meal,
and I can cook a meal. That's one meal a week.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Seven people in the house. Everyone does I mean, even
our eleven year old can get on board with this, right,
But we've got four kids older than fifteen. We got
three eighteen and above. Yeah, three adults, so pull your
weight kids. Basically, the conversation we had politely.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
I'd like to say the first week went brilliantly. It didn't.
It was absolute shamuzzle for me. I needed structure, and
so I just said, all right, let's start youngest to oldest.
So Emily did the first meal that night, and she
cooked what she would consider the best bolonnaise she's ever like,
ever tasted, not cooked ever tasted. She had three helpings. Yeah,
(08:27):
this is a kid who doesn't often eat dinner at nighttime.
She loved it, But the rest of the week kind
of just was.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Kids with crazy routines and weird schedules.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
And the oldest said she couldn't do the Friday, and
it just all kind of you know, we ended up
having a muck in again and I was getting it
a little bit frustrated, so we tried it again. We
rearranged things. The oldest now cooks on a Monday, not Friday.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
And week two was great, right, Well.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
No, it still was a bit messy because the oldest
wanted my input in that she wanted me to make
the decision about what we were cooking. She wanted me
to make sure everything was there for her, she wanted
me to tell her how to do it. And yes,
she needed a little bit of handholding because she wanted
to try something new. But the whole reason I wanted
this was because I'm tired of having to make the
(09:17):
decision about food.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
That's fast, I don't know what's for dinner. I'm tired
of deciding what's for dinner someone else decided.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So I got a little bit frustrated with her, and
it didn't end well very well.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Well, the meal was good whatever happened. I mean, the
meal was good. I missed all the background stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
But week three, Week three has been delightful. And why
it's been delightful again, it's still being messy. One child
who was supposed to cook on their night didn't come
home in time to cook dinner. I got a phone
call from another child and said, who's on dinner tonight, mum?
And I said it's your sister and she said, yeah,
she's not here. I said, no, she's not going to
(09:53):
make it home. Would you like me to do it?
She stepped up. She just said, I wasn't able to
do my meal last night, so I'm really happy to
do that one And a few times through the week
that's happened and somebody has stepped up. They're now so
much more aware of the fact that dinner needs to
be done and somebody is in charge of it, not me,
And when they realize that person's not there, they're actually
(10:14):
stepping up. And I'm loving it. And what has blown
me away? One of our children, she was very creative
in the kitchen. You were very nervous about eating her food.
Actually didn't want to come into the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
I mean you're saying creative, I'm saying disorganized and doesn't
follow the recipe and is literally just throwing ingredients in
and making it up.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
This is the kid who you give her a boxed
cake mix and she looks at it.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And goes, that looks too boring. Let's yeah, let's add
this and this. But she has no base or foundational
knowledge on which she is leveraging those decisions. She's just like,
I think we should put carrot or pumpkin or chimrick,
or like, she just chucks stuff in because this looks
in interesting.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I had to coax you into the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Tea.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Yeah, but it was delicious. She did such a good job.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I think that. I mean, I hope that she's not
listening right now. I would call it delicious compared to
what I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't
call it objectively delicious. I think she did a great job.
She did.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
We had another mishap. We ran out of paprika, and
so the girls decided to improvise curry powder.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
But you know what, this is the thing they haven't
really had to do it you're such a good cook
and you've always cooked. And even the kids that have
moved out of home, they didn't do a lot of
cooking when they moved out of home. Now they come
back and they're sort of saying, we don't really have
the skills, and now that they're cooking every week, they're
developing the skills. They're actually saying, I'll make the decision,
but mum, will you come in and work with me
(11:49):
on this because I want to learn how to get
it right. And we're seeing we're seeing improvements in the
scheduling and in the routine and the structure, but also
in the quality of the food that we're eating bit
by bitest thing for me is that we're going back
to eating the same foods that we've been eating for
the last twenty five years, because it's the stuff that
they love, the spaghetti bonnais and lasagna and the chicken
broccoli and the casserole.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
But they're also recognizing they're going to leave home in
the next couple of times and they need to be
able to work things into their budget.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So what's to take home message?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Get creative, Recognize that when you try new things, it's
going to be messy. It's not going to work all
at once, but it doesn't mean that the system's broke.
You just actually need to massage it, work with it,
be patient, and the fruits will come.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Okay after the break, I got it wrong, but I
got it right. I'm pretty sure I got it right
more than I got it wrong. It ended up all
right even though I didn't get it right. Maybe more
to come, stay with us. This is the Happy Families podcast.
Welcome back. This past couple of weeks, one of the kids,
(13:00):
I'm just going to say, our fifteen year old, and
she listens to the podcast. I've caught her listening to
the pod. She wants to hear what we're talking about.
She's listening right now, no doubt, But a couple of
weeks ago, she just was just attitude, big, horrible, mean,
nasty attitude, really hard to get along with.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
That doesn't sound like any fifteen year old I.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Know treating her sisters badly, Like it was just really
really really hard and I had enough, like I was
just a jack of it. And so I went looking
for her so that I could tell her that I'd
had enough, and also to tell her to hurry up
and ge rif school because she was going to be late.
I walked past her bedroom, calling her name. There was
no answer. I walked down the hallway calling her name,
there's no answer. I checked the bathroom. I called her
(13:43):
name again, called her four or five times. And then
as I walked back down the hallway and could see
directly into her room, she was sitting there the whole time.
And I walked in the room. I'm like, I've just
called you five times and you've ignored me. She does that, right,
You call her name, she just doesn't answer, and it's
so rude, so disrespectful. And then I started to proceed
to tell her how rude and disrespectful she was, and
then she gave me some attitude. And it's like this
(14:04):
vicious cycle. You say something and they say something, and
fifteen year olds, they're never humble about this. They're never
you know what, Dad, you're right, thanks for pointing out
my inadequacies, and I'll try to do better. They never
say that. They're just angry. And I stormed out of
the room. I like fair income, Like just own it right,
use your ore, your ownership, your accountability, and your responsibility.
(14:25):
Get out of bed. Stop being in blame, excuse, and denial.
So I gave her my favorite like she she pushed
the right button and off I went stormed out of
the room, and I don't know she managed to get
herself to school, and that afternoon she came home and
she must have been stewing it an all day, because
she walked into the office and she said, can I
talk to you about this morning, please?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Dad?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
And I said sure, And then she just owned it.
She took full responsibility for everything she'd done wrong. She
also pointed out that my perception of what was occurring
and the reality of what was occurring were not perfectly aligned.
But she did it quite respectfully. She did it carefully.
And when she'd finished, I looked at her and smiled,
(15:07):
and I said, You've put a lot of work into
that little speech, haven't you, Just because she'd been thinking
about her all day, it was obvious in the way
that she was articulating and expressing herself and saying, here's
what happened, and here's what you did, and here's how
I felt, and here's how you were feeling. Like she'd
really done the work to make sure that she could
communicate it well. I got it. Wrong. My perception in
(15:29):
that moment was wrong, and I had to apologize to
her for that. Then we ended up in this vicious
cycle together where we antagonized one another and we both
got it wrong, and she took responsibility for it. It
was amazing to see her get it. I was wonderful.
And then she made a commitment that we would work
(15:50):
harder on it that night and subsequently, and she has
and we have, and it's been That's the win that
came out of the loss. And the take home message
is you don't know everything as a parent. You think
you do, but you're so often so off the mark,
flying off the hand, or doesn't always work. In fact,
usually it doesn't work. But if you're really lucky, you'll
(16:11):
have amazing kids who will recognize that the relationship really matters.
They'll put in the time and the effort, they'll own
their stuff, and they'll work with you on better solutions
and finding ways out of the problems you're having.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Recently, we were recorded for another podcast and we were
talking specifically about ruptures and relationships.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yeah. It was a marriage therapy podcast. Yeah, I mean
we weren't being therapeutically, no, we were sharing. Yeah, Okay,
carry on, and.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
The host he called you out on something when you
talked about the fact that you really, you know, kind
of are unhappy when there's ruptures in the relationship, and
he talked about how priceless those experiences were because as
you had shared those really difficult ruptures that had taken
place in different relationships within our family over at different times,
(17:02):
there was this opportunity to reconnect and to repair and
to heal. And those experiences are actually the ones that
bind us together. They're the ones that connect us deeply
because we recognize our imperfections and we're able to take responsibility,
acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, and move forward.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
And you get to demonstrate the love that you have
for that person, because if you didn't love them, you
wouldn't be trying to repair. You don't make those kind
of repairs attitude.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Your love's bigger than whatever that problem was.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Yeah, nice wrap up Onny. That's great. Hey, We really
hope that you've got something out of this podcast today.
Thanks so much for listening. The Happy Famili's podcast is
produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammon's provides research. Adamin
and a whole lot of other support. For more info
about making your family happier, visit us at happy families
dot com, dot you and have a great weekend. Talk
to you under
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